I only wanted to be a mother and wife. "Career minded" and "too success driven" are not my reasons for not having a child by now. I simply never found the right man until 3 years ago.

The first year of our marriage produced no missed periods but I wasn't worried. My husband traveled every week and anyway, isn't it good to have that first year together? My ob/gyn wasn't concerned either.

The second year found me in Ovulation Predictor heaven. What an amazing device........so....... now it would happen. Give it 3 months or so, I told myself.

We moved and I got a new doctor. He wasn't concerned and said "lets just start some tests to rule out anything - not to worry" . Hormones - excellent, Ultrasound - excellent, X-rays - excellent. Post coital test - every single sperm DEAD. Second post coital test - notta - all dead. My husband was sent to a urologist for more semen analysis. His doctor said that everything was fine.

Fine?

I read his two semen analysis and although his sperm count was excellent, his motility,especially after 3 hours, was poor. POOR

"Poor" and his doctor says "fine". "There is nothing with his sperm that can be fixed nor does it make it impossible to fertilize an egg" the urologist said. Except (OF COURSE ) for my age.

That is when I first felt the finger pointing in my direction from the medical field.

So my doctor recommended artificial insemination which we performed 4 times. I had a clomid challenge test - initial FSH 5.2 and after clomid challenge my FSH was 4.3. My doctor called about how that was such great news and much better than he expected for a 40 year old woman.

After three IVF consultations, my husband and I decided to give it a go at Stanford University. I told my husband that I wanted the nuclear bomb effect to finally get pregnant and that at least then we would know.

hahahahaha ...... oh God...... the child inside of me thinking "then" we would finally know.

I had no idea I would have more questions after IVF.

My FSH for the IVF cycle was 3.4 and I got a call from my IVF doctor about how excellent that number was for my age.

"My grandmother had my mother at 46 and my paternal grandmother had my father and his twin brother at 39. I come from a long line of child bearers and it is unfathomable for me to believe that it is ME and my age that is causing my husband and I not to have a family." I told my IVF doctor when I first met her.

She was unimpressed with my amazing heredity.

I began my shots. I handled it like a trouper. I said that if someone had to hit my fingernails with a hammer 10 times a day for me to have a baby, then I would do it gladly and never wince.
I never complained.

I was the model patient. Stanford is 2 hours from our house and at each ultrasound appointment I was only pleased to see the doctor was pleased. I never asked how many follicles or how big or is there a dominate one. If my doctor was pleased, then I was pleased.

The morning of the retrieval was filled with excitement when my nurse told me that I had 11 good eggs. My doctor came in while I was waking up and said she was .......you got it.......very pleased. She said that they got twice as many good eggs as they normally do for a woman.....you got it.........of my age.

I told my husband that I told my doctor at that moment that I loved her and that she told me she loved me back. He said "for sure you dreamed that, I am quite certain your doctor did not tell you she loved you". I still think she did.

We were told to expect a call the next morning letting us know how many fertilized.

The phone rang at 8:10 a.m. and it was the doctor telling my husband that NONE - notta - fertilized. She said they could perform "rescue ICSI" if we wanted. Of course we wanted. This rescue ICSI was performed at 23 hours post retrieval. At 24 hours the eggs are completely unfertilizable.

The next long day a nurse called and said that there were 5 eggs at 2 pn.

We were to be a part of a PGD study and at day 3 the biopsies were to be performed. The nurse would call to let us know if there were any to biopsy.

The call came the next afternoon from the nurse that when the embryologists went to check there were not 5 but 9 - NINE - fertilized embryos. Several 7 and 8 cells and the rest from 2 cells to 6 cells. Many of the embryos looked excellent. The PGD was being done and the results would be back the next day. The transfer date would be the same day 5 even though it was technically day 4 for my embryos.

We were very excited. All of my family lives in South Carolina; my mother had a prayer chain going and she was keeping everyone abreast of the miracles happening in California.

The doctor left a message the next afternoon and said she wanted to update us on the embryos. I wondered how many she was recommending to be transferred and then how many would be left for freezing.

I just KNEW I was going to be pregnant with twins and now I wondered about the possibility of triplets. I knew, because of my age, they would implant more blasts because of the rate of failure to implant.

Remember, my doctor didn't pay much attention when I told her about my amazing blood line so I knew she would put more in me than I really needed and I stood a good chance of getting triplets.

ohhhhhhh.............triplets...............too funny!

I now get it that when the doctor calls it is BAD news, when the nurse calls, it is good news. I got it now.

The doctor called the morning of the transfer and told me that there were NO embryos to transfer. That PGD showed them all to be severely chromosomeably abnormal. "Downs Syndrome is nothing compared to these severe chromosome abnormalities."

Did she not get it about my bloodline and superior reproducing genes? "This is not happening" I thought.

"I am numb" I said to her on the phone.

She said that she would like to see me try it again. That she has seen women who have nothing to transfer have a baby with the next IVF. I said "thank you for everything. i appreciate everything you have done. i loved having you as my doctor."

She did not tell me she loved me back that time.

So anyway, that was last week. Two days before my 41st birthday. I just knew this was going to be the most amazing birthday of my life. Instead, it became the worst.

My mother and sister had planned a trip to Las Vegas long before my IVF journey. They convinced me to come to Vegas to keep my mind off of things. My husband said I should go.

So, I did what any heart broken IVFer would do and I went to Vegas and played craps and poker until the wee hours of the morning with still freshly bruised arms and buttocks and kicked ass.

In two weeks I have a consultation with my doctor to discuss things. I have fervently been searching the internet for answers and have only found comfort from the blogs I accidentally stumbled upon.

I do know that "rescue ICSI" has very bad results; most of the fertilized embryos will be severely abnormal.

My husband has accepted that we will never have children. He believes that the scientific results could not be any more conclusive - failure - resounding failure. He is a physicist and deals with the facts. I am a woman and I deal with my emotions. I believe that it can work, I believe that I can have a baby.

I believe in believing.