I should be at the Oscars tonight.

No, really, I should be there and I don't mean as an audience member but as a nominee or perhaps a presenter because of winning "Best Actress" last year.

That is what I reached for from the age of 25 - 35. I left my family and friends and headed for Hollywood. I really believed that if I dreamt it, and I worked hard at it, it could happen and I was willing to make all of the sacrifices for that to happen. I climbed the ladder of goals (agents, and AFTRA and SAG and one line and five lines or less and as a featured) but it took its toll. It got old.

The truth is, I didn't have what it took. I was inconsistent. Sometimes, I was absolutely brilliant and then other times, I would embarrass myself with how bad I sucked.

I had come so far and sacrificed so much and yet, I needed to let it go.

I found that as long as I am creative (drawing, painting, decorating, tatting or even crocheting), I am happy. I get the same "high" no matter how I use my right brain. I hated the process of being able to finally act (auditions and call backs and drama) and all I had to do to paint was take out a canvas and not depend on so many other people to get to that creative place that I love so much.

One might say that I sacrificed 10 long years of my life to fail. I am where I am right now because of the steps under me and for that, I am grateful.

Ten years ago, I would never have imagined me being in a place where I haven't even seen the movies nominated. The most amazing thing is that I do not care. I am so completely okay with where I am and that my acting dreams failed. I have no pain in my heart or aching for my life to be different. I won't watch with envy or dread and I won't have any pain in my heart when I see everyone there get their due.

Perhaps, acting is a lesson to teach me that it doesn't matter how much I fight and climb to get to my goals, I will know when it is time to shift gears and I will still be just fine. Just as I did not stay in Hollywood beating a dead horse, I will know when it is time to move on if I keep failing at this dream.

Maybe one day I will not look at mothers and babies with envy. Maybe one day I will be able hear of unexpected pregnancies and births and be genuinely happy for the families. Maybe one day I will decorate that room that is to be a nursery and make it into something that pleases me.

Right now though, I wish I had to quit typing here because my baby is waking from a nap.

I have been inspired to write about wine.

vines 


This will not be about my infertility, perhaps I will make it a Friday event if there is enough interest.

Sometimes my infertility woes get on my own nerves so I offer some levity.


barrels 



I have learned an enormous amount and still know very little about wine. I used to only like white wine coolers (people in the South drink diluted wine and I will defend that practice by saying that it is HOT there and you need something refreshing in the summertime - there is nothing wrong with it).

I guess I am a bit defensive because those are my wine roots - wine coolers.

I find myself in wine country now. We have wonderful friends who own an award winning winery and my husband helps out on the weekends with tastings. I used to help out with tastings (I think I lasted three festival events) but people got on my nerves so bad that I decided to be a participant and not a "pourer".

There are so many wine snobs and people try to be intimidating with their questions when they taste wines. I cannot tolerate these people. My husband, surprisingly, loves the challenge of the queries. He has studied a lot about wine and I am amazed with his answers to pretentious questions.

1. Don't ever let anyone make you feel insecure about your wine knowledge.

2. For every "correct" way, there is another way.

3. There are many arrogant people who sip wine.

4. You can mix fish and red (zins), and meat with white wine if that is your preference. The people that bend the rules are the ones who invent the next trends.


I think the things that surprise me the most are that the older the vines, the more the roots go deep into the earth. The deeper the roots go into the earth, the more flavors get into the grapes and the vines don't even need to be watered. They are getting their water very, very deep down. These wines are usually labeled "dry farmed" because they don't require irrigation. They are usually more flavorful or "beefy" as some might say.

The longer the grape is on the vine, the more flavorful the grape.

When you have very hot days and very cool nights, the grapes can stay on the vine for several weeks longer than other regions and thus provide more full flavors.

Some wineries never prune "reduce" their grape clusters so they have a lot more yield per acre. The more preferred wines generally reduce their grape clusters so that each vine only produces a certain amount and that insures that the grapes are more flavorful.

Cheap wineries never reduce their crops. Reducing crops = less finished product = more flavorful wine. Thus the price point comes into effect.

You can buy cheap, good wine.

My tastes have changed to full bodied reds but I used to only enjoy fruity white wines.

You can make a cheap bottle of wine taste exponentially better by using a decanter. Get a decanter that is very fat so more air can contact the liquid line. I could get my husband to explain the logistics scientifically but it has something to do with the air molecules mixing with the wine molecules and breathing. We all like to breathe.........no?


Decanter 

Red wine LOVES to breathe. That is why their glasses are fatter than white wine glasses.

Recommendations for some affordable red wines:

Rosemount Cabernet or Shiraz


Rosemount 

the blend is nice too - the longer you let it breathe, the more delicious the flavor.

Kendall Jackson RESERVE

Kendall Jackson 

always delicious when decanted. If you put this bottle in a decanter for 30 minutes, it will taste like a very expensive bottle of fine wine.

Two Buck Chuck


Two Buck Chuck 

at Trader Joe's stores. Let it breathe and air for a long time - put it in a decanter for an hour and you will delight your palate with it's flavor. TWO DOLLARS!!!!



In order to not clog the brain, I offer one more piece of assvice:

Taking the cork out of the bottle does not let the wine breathe. It needs a lot more air space than that measly neck of a bottle. Rather pour it in glasses and swirl it if you don't have a decanter.

I am sitting here waiting for my boss to call and after calling my husband at work (which I never do but I needed his guidance), I called my mother.

"Hi my sweet angel mommy."

"Well, hi darlin'. What are you doing?"

"I'm just waiting by the phone to get fired so I thought I'd whittle some time away and call you. Isn't that amazing? For the first time ever in my life, I am getting fired from a job!"

"What in the world?" She didn't think it was funny.

"Well, he wants me to go to a seminar and ......(oops, wasn't going to tell her about my next IVF).....well, I have an appointment with a new doctor next Thursday to look into more procedures and my boss is upset that I didn't prioritize his stupid staff seminar.......so, I just spoke with his wife and told her I would not be changing my appointment for his meeting and she told me that 'I needed to leave a message on his voice mail that that was going to be a huge problem and she was sorry to hear that I wasn't able to make other arrangements'."

"Y'all are going to do another IVF? Praise the Lord. I'm so glad that y'all are trying one more time."

"Well, I wasn't going to tell you because I don't want you to get wrapped up into my drama again but anyway, that is why I am getting fired, because my boss thinks that I show a lack of dedication to his practice."

"Well, of course you do and of all people, he should be able to understand that. Call me after he calls you but just remember to have class and be nice. Don't say anything you will regret. Just tell him that you are sorry he feels that way and that you are grateful for the experience of working with him."



Ummmm........how old am I? I guess I am never too old to seek wisdom.





***UPDATED TO ADD:***
Phone call at 5:30 p.m.:

"Julianna, it's Dr. and I got your message about not being able to make arrangements and I hate to tell you that I am extremely disappointed that your priorities were what they were..."

"Please forgive me Dr., but at the risk of being disrespectful, I feel that I have been put in a position to pretend or make excuses and I find myself smiling stupidly because I know that what you want to hear is not how I feel. The truth is that I am extremely happy and excited about my doctor's visit on Thursday. I understand that your seminar is extremely important to you and your practice but I just cannot say anything that is honest that will make you feel good about my choices. I am glad I am seeing my doctor sooner than expected and I understand that is not what you would like to hear."

I could tell that he was surprised and then he went on to tell me that he appreciated what I was saying and that he was feeling that there are two sides to every story and now he understands my side and hopes that I understand how important it is for him and he said that he wanted us to work it out and at the risk of me looking "special" to his other employees, he wants me to get there as soon as I can after my appointment and although it is not ideal for him, he thinks it is a nice compromise.

I felt like I did when my first boyfriend and I were getting ready to break up with each other. At least, I don't have to look for a new job anytime soon.

Wow, I have so much to say, write, type.

Bad news first - I have gained 3 1/2 pounds since I started my new diet and exercise regime. We could all be lovey dovey and say that it is muscle but if I took a picture of my lumpy thighs and posted them here, well, we'd all have to sigh in agreement.

My diet is along the lines of the original Weight Watcher's which happens to be the recommended daily food groups diet. Unlike South Beach, I can eat carbs! Obviously, my fat cells are loving the carbs in spite of my ball rolling and walking and running for 10 seconds. I even bought more exercise tapes at Target - one is a hip hop dance routine that makes me look like J. Lo on acid. In my mind, I am so coordinated and cool but reality is different. My husband was amused by my dance moves. hmmmmmmm

I got ALL of my medical records from Stanford for my upcoming consultations and I was amazed at the manila envelope. It was not bulging. It could fit in my mailbox. Is that what $36,000.00 worth of medical treatment looks like? I wish I had stopped at "consult".

I am in a rush to copy it several times to forward to my new doctors.

Between you and I, I know who will be my next doctor. I feel like coming up with a moniker already, before I meet him next Thursday. The other offices are getting on my nerves with calling me because of their errors or omissions and Dr. Next's staff seems extremely competent. Dr. Next, how's that? Kind of boring, but appropriate. I reserve the right to change his name once I meet him. What am I hoping for? Dr. Humorous - now, THAT would be awesome, if I found a doctor with some humor. I just hope he gets me.

There is one doctor (we'll call him Dr. Celebrity because he is written up in magazines and quoted often) but he has a shit receptionist. She has called me three times in an afternoon to have me repeat information because her computer lost it or she needed to verify something and EVERY time she asked for "Ann". Now how many times does it take to get it right? I hear "Juli" or "Julia" or "Jules" even "Julian" but rarely do I hear "Ann" by itself and this lady did it three times in a span of a couple of hours. No way in hell is this man going to be my next doctor. Come hell or high water, he will not be my doctor. I am even tempted to cancel my consult appointment with him - that could be $675 saved for the upcoming medications. Hell, I could buy a nice outfit for that amount of money.

SO MUCH TO SAY, WRITE, TYPE!!!

I am probably going to get fired. From. my. job. F.I.R.E.D.! Never, ever in my life have I been fired from a job but my boss is P.I.S.S.E.D. and I am being a B.I.T.C.H..

I DO NOT CARE ANYMORE.

I requested an appointment as soon as possible with Dr. Next and the first available was 6 weeks away so I was excited when his office manager called to get me in sooner.

I have my empty 2005 calendar next to my 2004 calendar because I need to exchange information. I know it is the end of February, but that is how I do things.

I get the call from Dr. Next to come in soon and I am there! "YES! PEN ME IN!"

The problem is that I am to be at a continuing education event in San Francisco next Wednesday to Friday evening. I mentioned to my boss yesterday that I have a conflict with the seminar next week and he went ballistic, he blew a gasket, he completely lost it. This is a stupid goal setting seminar (Tony Robbins-ish) and I only work two days a week. I can't stand the rah rah , moo moo Tony Robbins-ish mentality and I'll be damned if I am going to change my doctor's appointments around my bosses office protocol.

I think there comes a point where the female infertile must become a "fertilehomemaker" because we have to be completely available for doctors visits and procedures. I really don't think it is possible to hold down a full time job and it is becoming increasingly impossible for me to hold down a two day a week job. I have my priorities and my life and goals are more important than my bosses life and goals.

We'll see what happens next week.

I might be willing to suck it up and drive to San Francisco after my early morning appointment but ONLY because I LOVE S.F..

One more thing on my mind, I am going to try to keep IVF#3 a secret. I want to keep my big mouth shut as much as possible. I especially don't want to tell my family in South Carolina because it is torture for them. Their pain is almost worse than my own pain after the failure. If I could spare them, that would be awesome.

I talk to my family very often on the phone so it will be a challenge.

Other than that, nothing much is going on in my little life. I am still surprisingly peaceful, in spite of my drama. I don't even care that I have gained weight. I chalk it up to new diet confusion.

I am healthy, I am grateful.

So, when is it time to throw in the towel?

I think that you hear of so many:
"Oh, on the 7th IVF, Brooke Shields finally had her beautiful baby";
"It usually takes three IVFs for it to work";
"You're so close"....

You never hear of the failures. I can't recall hearing:
"My neighbor tried 7 times and finally gave up";
"That couple is still paying the debts from their 4 IVF loans that failed";
"By the time they were done throwing away $78,000.00 for IVFs, they were too old for adoption to be an option, they should have adopted sooner".

Right now, honestly, I am at peace.

I HAVE FOUND PEACE!

I know it is temporary and mainly because that bitch Hope is in my house.

I am gripping onto my towel as if I am in a terrible storm in the midst of the Pacific Ocean.

I have been depressed and angry because having a baby is not supposed to be this difficult. I never, ever thought I couldn't have children. I have been gut punched but I also need to learn to cope.

Right now, today, this week, I feel empowered. I am tired of getting my ass kicked by infertility.

Life is short. I refuse to let this ruin the rest of my living days.

I will be in a grave one day.

I have lived a wonderful life, it is just not perfect.

I am so blessed to have found my husband. I wish I had met him sooner but I wish a lot of things.

I need to take control.

I have to be positive and calm and relaxed. None of my IVFs have failed because of stress. I have been extremely proud of myself for rising above the enormous pressure of injections and doctors visits and blood work and surgeries and two week waits.

I have to dive off the cliff now.

I'll know the outcome only when I hit the water.

My best girlfriend (Debbie) lives in Orlando, Florida. She flew out to visit me last summer with her two daughters - aged 3 and 6 years. At the end of our week vacation, we were sitting on our deck watching her daughters play badminton and Debbie asked me why I was going to be so aggressive with IVF#1.

I asked her, "Can you imagine your life without your girls? Can you imagine not being a mother or grandmother one day? What would you do if you didn't have your children?"

Debbie said, "I'd be sitting here on this chaise lounge telling you about the magnificent trip to Europe that my husband and I were able to take and I would be able to tell you how much I appreciate my husband and how precious our relationship is. Instead, I can tell you about poop and potty training and art classes and social skills. I am consumed with my children. I never knew how much work was involved. I'd never take it back, but appreciate what you have too."

If this is not meant to be, if everything that I fight for becomes a complete panty waste, then I have to move on. I will have to find something within myself that gives me courage and strength to move on.

If I have the courage to fight, then I must have the courage to survive also.

I not only want to succeed, but I want to be happy for as long as I shall live and that is the challenge - being able to play the cards that you are dealt.

I just don't think it is appropriate of me to leave my last happy days post on top because my heart is breaking right now for the sweetest girl in the world.

Sweet, sweet Amanda just completed her third IVF cycle, she finally got a positive beta three days ago but now, it is over.

Amanda, you know I love you. I just wish I could help. I am so sorry.

I am in the happy atmosphere and I rather like it up here.

I am Tinkerbelling along and life is soooooo much more pleasant.

Just as I get S.A.D.D. before winter, I get H.A.P.P.Y. before Spring. However, I have ruled out the H.A.P.P.Y. theory because the weather has been unusually sucky, even gloomy.

That only leaves two things - Hope and Exercise.

I have a goal and a mission and I am thinking very good thoughts about my upcoming IVF.

I have also started exercising again. I walk 3 miles a day (I try to run some of that time but that lasts about two minutes) and as stated earlier, I have my ball friend.

It's been a long time coming, I don't want this hot air balloon to land.

No, really.........I've had a ball.

on my hips

on my stomach

on my lower back

under my belly


I'm doing the ball exercise. I have a video tape and I roll all over an inflated big ball.

I don't know if I like it or not.

I get a headache after all the tumbling and rolling.

We shall see if I get some results.

I am on a mission to lose weight ..........AND fast!..I lied to my new doctors and told them that I weigh 10 pounds less than I do.

Honestly, I think my scales are broken............and, while we are at it, my clothes have shrunk in the dryer.

I need to lose 10 pounds in 2 weeks.

I want to be healthy for my next IVF/ pregnancy (Pollyanna IN THE HOooouUSE!!!!).

I am getting nervously excited.

I have spent the day completing forms for two of my upcoming IVF interviews. I am trying to find humor with a lot of my answers because after all, if I'm not laughing, I'm crying and I'd rather be cracking myself up.

One of the doctors wanted me to fill out my forms online, via email. There were so many files that I could not read because I needed "adobe" and was instructed to click the "install adobe free here" little icon and after 15 minutes of downloading onto my fancy new laptop, Adobe has now completely taken over every aspect of my computer, including this page - EVERYTHING I tell you.

I am very pissed. Now I will be in computer hell because I want everything back the way it was and once I get my Computer Scientist Masters Degree Physicist PhD husband to fix it, I will not see the light of the world wide web for several days. He can design satellites that get rocket launched into the atmosphere but he will claim that my little laptop is kicking his ass and it will take him all weekend to clean it up.

I just want my computer back, the way it was, before I started filling out all of those online medical forms.

I want to email the RE office and tell them I am none too pleased but that is not conducive for the nice office visit that I envision in 2 weeks.

I'm not sure they will appreciate my humor and if I add some true bitchiness into the mix, I'm pretty certain that I'll have a big fat PITA stamped on my chart.

The questionnaires took me about an hour and half to fill out for each office. It didn't matter if it was by hand or online, via email. Many questions were the same but it still takes forever.

When asked about previous IVFs, I stated the facts but called the embryos from IVF#1 mutants (after Rescue ICSI, we had 9 really impressive mutants - one was even XX and XY - or so the PGD results said) and I referred to the embryos from IVF#2 as brats because when 10 excellent embryos turned into 4 blastocysts and all of them preferred the petri dish to my tunnel of love, well, fuck 'em - they were brats.

When asked about any comments, I just stated that I am sad and tired of tests that reveal nothing and that $36,000 in eight months is a hell of a lot of money to spend on nothing and I ended it by welcoming them into my little world.

I really don't care what they think. I am tired. I am SO not interested in more tests.

When asked about financing, I responded that I could also probably get financing for a really fancy new motor home but my husband wouldn't go for that either. He doesn't believe in debt or credit card balances.

So, welcome to my fresh hell. If I don't come back for awhile, know I'm sending you kisses and fairy dust.

I hate arrogance. I cannot stand it when someone acts better than everyone else around them and I love to see those kind of people put in their place.

There will always be someone more popular, more important and more sought after.

I had a patient today who thought I should know about her. I am rather new to the area and don't know her family name. Apparently, they bottle herbs and spices, especially garlic mixes (BFD!). She was a B.I.T.C.H and an arrogant one to boot. Here she was thinking she was so famous and important and behaved terribly towards everyone in our office and I was completely unimpressed. I actually was tempted to tell the bitch that I have been around far better but had to bite my tongue. I let her spray the room with her importance.

I used to work in offices where major celebrities were patients. It seemed that the more famous the celebrity, the more humble and kind they were, it was the has beens who were the most difficult. One precious afternoon, an impossible famous has been insisted on being seen in the office immediately and after being given a specific time, he came into the office anyway. I was completely DELIGHTED to be witness to his sunken face when he walked into the waiting room and saw not one, but two very well known and loved celebrities. It was the first time that the has been sat down and waited his turn. It's pathetic that he really does think he is more important than everyone else except those more famous than him.

When I first learned about this hierarchy, I was in the 9th grade. I was with my two sisters at an airport in South Carolina. Our uncle was flying his plane from Atlanta and we were excitedly waiting for him at the private airport section which is completely removed from the public airport. We were outside, along a fence, because we wanted to see who would be the first to spot his plane in the sky.

The Doobie Brothers had a massive plane in the private section and I found it mildly amusing. I liked the Gap Band and K.C. And The Sunshine Band and wasn't too much into the old Doobie Brothers. They had performed at the Carolina Coliseum the night before so that is why they were in Columbia.

I was excitedly watching the sky for my uncle's plane when we noticed a lady opening the door of the Doobie jet and waving us up to her. I exchanged bewildered glances with my sisters and one of them said we should see what the lady wants so we approached the Doobie plane. She informed us that they only had a few minutes and we must hurry. I followed my older sister up the steep stairs and we were handed pictures of each of the band members and we were told we needed to be quick with getting their autographs.

Here I was, not giving a shit about the Doobie Brothers and wondering if my uncle's plane was approaching and I was standing in the aisle of a plane with pictures of these men who I didn't much appreciate and I will never forget their annoying, irritated glances at us while they did us a favor and signed their pictures. I especially remember the long haired men being the kindest and Michael McDonald was the most annoyed. I just held his picture in my hand and let him sign it with his irritated penmanship.

We were polite and let them sign their pictures but I SOOOOOO wanted to tell them why we were really there. I just let them be rude and dismissive and superior to us but it is still one moment in my life that I would love to play differently.

I don't know what would have been perfect but I do know that they would have been knocked off their high horse a bit.

So, that is why that lady bugged the shit out of me today.

I felt like that little 9th grade girl again.

I am happy to report that I am happy.

Hope springs eternal. Hope makes me happy. Without Hope, I am sad.

So, I have welcomed Hope into my home. I love her. She is beautiful and sweet and loving and an awesome guest. She tells me wonderful things about myself and I believe her.




On another note, my sister thinks that I am "being ugly" when I am not happy for other people getting pregnant. She thinks that I shouldn't expect others to monitor their happiness or good news because of my sensitivities.

When I keep thinking about something, I believe that I need to investigate it further. So, I need to examine this.

If I had breast cancer, should I expect everyone around me to not mention breasts or bras or lactating? Would that mean that they are being insensitive? For how long should others be sensitive because of my trials?

If I lost my spouse, should I expect everyone around me to not mention their husband or marriage or engagement?

If I had a painful divorce, should I expect everyone around me to not mention their loves?

Perhaps I am being too sensitive. Perhaps I do expect too much of others around me.

I find that people whisper about births or don't mention someone's "good news" and I find out about things later now that I am "infertilely outed".

If I had breast cancer or lost my spouse or had a painful divorce, it would be unreasonable of me to expect everyone to be sensitive to my particular predicament.

That leads me to believe that it is unreasonable to be infertile and expect others to not talk about pregnancies and births and babies.

However, HOWEVER......... it still hurts when I hear of someone else's fertile news.

I cannot explain it. I cannot rationalize it.

I don't know what the answer is, I only know how I feel.

I do not want to hear about what eludes me.

I will not squash my feelings only because I cannot articulate my pain. I know that I feel a stab in my heart when I hear of pregnancies and I always hold the messenger responsible for my heartache.

Perhaps, I should start pretending but that is not my nature.

In the meantime, I don't want people in my real life to tell me about pregnancies or births or anything baby-related because I will find them to be incredibly insensitive and cruel.

I don't care if I am being unreasonable. If you love me, you should know.

I seemed to have forgotten how complicated and detailed everything is when interviewing IVF clinics.

I have requested all of my medical records (they say that it takes two weeks) and I have appointments starting in two and a half weeks. The offices that I am interviewing all require the records at least one week before the appointment so, needless to say, I am cutting it close with my first appointment.

Before I picked Stanford, I had interviewed four other doctors. I am going to be re-visiting one of them but the second place is new to me.

I assume there is a reason that everyone in blogland keeps their RE clinic anonymous so I will try to do the same.

The timing of my first appointment in 2 1/2 weeks is good for my cycle so that may be the determining factor in who I choose.

The soonest the second office can see me is just after I start my next period which means that I will be yet another month behind.

I am hoping to jump on this IVF train ASAP.

The first wants to examine me, perform an ultrasound and have a mock transfer at the consult appointment. I had to beg the forgiveness of the nurse while telling her what I wanted.

"Please forgive me", I said. "The most important thing to me is the consult part. You can examine me, you can perform an ultrasound but you cannot stick a catheter in my uterus because I almost die if I am not premedicated with Valium and Vicodin and being drugged is not conducive for a good consultation."

She said, "Oh, your autonomic nervous system shuts down when your uterus is dilated, that is not so uncommon. That is fine. I will let the doctor know that he will not be doing a mock transfer. The fee will be adjusted then to $685.00."


I mean honestly, I am tempted to start BCPs this month so that I can be ready for injectables sooner.

Hell, I don't know if I need ovary rest. I don't want to delay this another month and isn't one of my ovaries resting anyway?

Wait a minute, I could even begin injectables. I have tons of needles and syringes from my other cycles and I have about $1,000 worth of Bravelle left over from the last study I was in......

Maybe I can time the injections with my consult appointment and just tell the doctor what we will be doing.

"Hi. Nice to see you again. In order to get down to the nitty gritty, I have already begun stimming myself so this ultrasound timing should be perfect to see how I am responding. You'll need to see me about every other day now until the retrieval in about a week. I want the most experienced embryologist to perform the ICSI procedure and I don't know, I think we should put all the embryos in at day three.....no need to push it to blastocysts again."


Would that make me a controlling patient?

Let me just brag and say that my husband rocks.

We have had a rough time. Both of us, as individuals, have had to find a compromise.

There will be an IVF#3.


THERE WILL BE AN IVF#3!!!!!


I will not be going back to Stanford.

I am going to interview doctors in the coming weeks.

If anyone has suggestions about doctors in the Northern California area, I would appreciate some input. Good and bad experiences - you can email me, if you wish.

Needless to say, a lot has been going on in the past few days.

I am struggling with how to cope with the next IVF.

My nature is to be positive, kind, and loving to myself during the nightmarish hell of IVF. I call it my "pool of calm". I have to find a peaceful place and I relax and think good thoughts and caress my belly and encourage my body to keep doing such a good job.

There is so much that is overwhelming, I just have to put myself in another place.

Is it possible to provide a cushion for the fall?

The only thing that gives me the courage to keep trying, is knowing that I am capable of climbing up out of the hole of despair if it should fail again.

I don't stand a chance in hell of getting pregnant without IVF.

I want to have a family, I want to be a mother and grandmother.

I want my family tree to grow more branches.

I am not okay with not being a mother.

My husband wants to have a family. We want a family. He wants us to have the perfect life and is willing to work towards that goal with me.

Did I mention that my husband rocks?

Forgive me for not being able to do this better, but my girlfriend has sent me a few clips of this woman called "The Fruitcake Lady". She is Truman Capote's 93 year old aunt who lives in Alabama.

She now has segments on the Jay Leno show and unfortunately, that is the only way that I can figure out how to post them here. You can click on each segment to watch her in action.

She reminds me of my older relatives in South Carolina.

So, I kind of lost it last night.

It was a nail in my coffin that I did not need.

My ex boss (in Southern California) called me last night. We have been playing phone tag. A lot has happened in the three years I have been gone, he married the office manager (a gorgeous bimbo who had one daughter out of wedlock and about 5 abortions in the span of a few years that we worked together). Her pregnancies were always "accidents" and she used abortions like people use BCP's. Needless to say, we were never close. She absolutely drove me crazy and is the most self-absorbed person I have ever met.

We'll call her Barbie. Barbie is a stunner. She is more beautiful than most models. When she walks into a room, heads turn. She is very sweet, just stoooopid.

I shouldn't have been so shocked when she left a message a few months ago to tell me that she is now married, to the doctor. They did not date while I worked there, but I knew he was taken by her looks, hell, everyone was taken by her looks. She got away with a lot and I am sure he enjoys being her sugar daddy.

Barbie is 39 and the he is 58. Her daughter is probably 5 now and the doctor has several grown children. He never wanted more children (had a vasectomy with his first marriage) and clearly, Barbie didn't want children either.

You know what's coming don't you?


Yep. They left a message last night (I happened to be blogging and didn't answer the phone - thank you Lord). They said they want to come visit and they are so happy and in love and then Barbie excitedly announced "We're pregnant!!" and he laughed and said "Barbie wanted me to tell you we're pregnant" and they giggled and laughed and said they'd call me today to set up a time to come visit.



I was frozen by the answering machine. I asked my husband if I really just heard that. I didn't move for about 3 minutes. It took a while to register.



I said, "they are not coming here".

M. said, "you've been blowing them off for too long, it's just a weekend."

I said, "there is no fucking way that I can handle them for 3 days! Are you kidding me? I CANNOT HANDLE IT!!!! It is NOT going to happen, no way, no how, not in this lifetime."

M. said, "look, all the dentists around here suck, we are going to go there if we ever need any kind of dental work and we need to quit blowing them off. It is just a weekend!"



It ain't gonna happen. Over my dead body. I mean it. I cannot handle that.



So, I even woke up in the middle of the night tossing turning about this.

I am at my wit's end. No way in hell are they coming here and I geared myself up to stop them in their tracks.

At 9:00 the phone rang, caller ID showed it to be them, I snatched that phone up so fast and my head was spinning.

It was the doctor. He was on his cell, on his way to Santa Barbara and said we had so much to catch up on.

I stopped him right there and said in a calm, nice manner that everything was wonderful here and we loved where we live but that I have been extremely depressed because of not being able to get pregnant. He knows how much I loved babies and children and he worked with me long enough to know that all I want is to be a mother.

And I said it, "how in the hell did y'all get pregnant??"

He gave a little WTF chuckle, and said that they were just kidding and that Barbie felt bad after they left the message because she knew how hard we had been trying.


NOT FUNNY.

Will it ever end?


They're still not coming here. I don't care if my teeth get shitty work for the rest of my life.

Sometimes, I miss a blog party while I am busy scraping away the day.

How to clean teeth and stay connected to the internet at the same time:

1. Put very dark safety glasses on the patient so they cannot see very well. Place computer on patients lap and situate it at the proper angle so it easy to read at a glance (and out of patients view). Give the impression that your computer is displaying their periodontal probings and emphasize the importance of knowing how deep to go in the sulcus of the teeth. The more you look at your screen, the more pleased the patient will be.

2. Have instruments and the computer on the same tray. Elongate the keyboard so that it can accommodate sterile instruments on their sterile sheath. Place plastic cover on keys to maintain sterile environment so that it is possible to point and click with tools instead of fingers. When things get real exciting, just change instruments often so patient does not become suspicious. When sterilizing the room between patients, simply change the plastic covering on the keyboard like everything else that has been contaminated.

3. Have a computer in the room that looks like any other dental office computer. The screen saver can be demonstrating the progression of periodontal disease but as the foot switch reclines the patient, it also changes the computer to the world wide web (out of the patients view) so an operator can stay in touch while performing ones job. The foot switch controls the screen, DOWN chair = ON computer, UP chair = OFF computer.

4. The mirror is the only instrument that is always in the patients mouth so use that to your advantage. Invent a mirror with a computer screen on the back and wear super magnifying safety glasses.

5. Change the schedule allowing for internet time between patients and expect to get paid the same amount of money because a happy hygienist makes a happy patient.




On the other hand, sometimes, it is good to be left in the dark.

Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."



Quentin:

I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it, it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker before you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin' made me think twice.

Now I'm thinkin': it could mean you're the evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. .45 here, he's the shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.

Or, it could be, you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But that shit ain't the truth.

The truth is...... you're the weak. And I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin.

I'm tryin' real hard to be the shepherd.

Yipppeee..........yipppeeee.......dance ..........dance.

No positive beta for her.


I'm mean and vindictive and hateful to people that are cunts to me - so FUCK OFF TROLL. Perhaps, now I am cursed forever.

YIPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE.............YIPPPPPPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...........DANCE>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>DANCE................

So, tomorrow I will find out if my bosses wife got a positive beta.

My husband thinks that she is enough of a bitch that if she got a postive beta, that she would have called me to rub it in.

I will find out in the morning. I cannot tell you how much I dread the day if I hear that she is pregnant. I will have to put my acting skills into play.

The Hills 


I am learning with my digital camera. I still need to learn to crop and tweak the zoom feature but these will have to do, for now.

By nature, I am nosy. I love to see pictures on peoples blogs. I won't post anything that outs me too much, but I do want to start adding life to these words.


Cows 

When we drive up to our friends winery (6 miles up a mountainous road), I love looking at all the cows on the hills. Sometimes I will ask my husband to pull over so I can try to get close. I walk slow and I try to be friendly, but they still moo and raise hell. They are none too pleased that I am visiting.


Leave already 



What Is Your Problem! 




I think I like the cows so much because it is so new to me. In South Carolina, you don't see vast hills and there are so many forests and trees that the cows don't stand a chance of having a life like this. I guess California cheese commercials are accurate, cows are happiest here.

I was talking to a cattle rancher once who told me that it is extremely common for cows to have twins. Unfortunately, the mothers hate having twins, so they usually abandon one. The ranchers find the lone babies out in the fields and try to save them. Sometimes they can get another cow to adopt it, but more often, he has to take them back to the barn and he gets his children to adopt them. This man's children get paid for each baby that they nurse to health. When he sells those particular cows, his children get the money (most of it in their college fund).

So, when I look at the hills, I am always looking for babies that are alone. In this picture, there are two small heads visible and it made me wonder if they were abandoned:


Baby Heads In Background 

But then I saw this super foster mama:



Super Mama 



super mama 

She was looking after three babies. She looked back every now and then to make sure they were all keeping up. It was very sweet.

By this time, my husband was in the car, beeping the horn because he had had enough of my cow time. I told him how cool it was that the mama was looking after three babies and how odd that is. He pretended to care, sometimes he just can't get what fascinates me.

I am still in a funk. I refuse to live my life being depressed. I have so much to be thankful for and sometimes we don't get what we want.

My goal is to have a baby, not to just have IVF#3. I wouldn't even want to stop if IVF#3 failed. Deep down, my husband knows that.

I love him. If I could, I'd adopt many children. Unfortunately, the rancher in this house doesn't think the way I do.

I admire people that can be like that cow on the hill.

As I try to figure out what I am going to do, I am busy cooking.

I cannot imagine that this is really over. Between you and me, I am not quitting. Not yet.

If/when it is over, I had to wonder about a new category for the blogrolls.

Perhaps, Got Their Ass Whooped or maybe, Bankrupt Babes Without Babes.

I'll let y'all know when I need to be moved.

Shout out to BlogMoxie who is supposed to be making my blog pretty! Um....Hello??? My shabby chic and vintage baby shoe idea may be outdated soon.

I was going to have the web designer help me with a blogroll of my own because my template is full of so many attempts that I am surprised my blog still publishes. I still love Milenka and Julie's for infertiles but I have other friends - shout out to the U.K. blogs I adore! That would be nice if I could link the other blogs I read. In the meantime, this will have to do because I am a tech moron.

I received a neat gift from one of my party guests this week:


Deviled Eggmania 

Did you know?

1. If you place the egg carton on its side the night before cooking, the yolks will be perfectly centered?

2. Place eggs in a pot with cold water (single layer with water 1 inch above eggs) and when it comes to a boil, take it off the heat and cover for 10-15 minutes. They will be perfect and tender with bright, yellow centers.

3. Place in ice cold water and start to peel after chilled. The longer you wait, the harder they can be to peel.

4. Start at the fat side of the egg, there is an air pocket that will usually loosen the shell and membrane.

5. The fresher the eggs, the more difficult to peel.

6. Doesn't matter if you use brown, fertile, white, raised in a cage or free to roam, they all devil up the same.

7. Eggs are very delicate and need to be cooked as such, the heating of the sulfur in the yolk is what turns the yellows green and makes the whites rubbery.

8. The whites are very porous. You have to seal the eggs tightly in the refrigerator or the whites will absorb the other flavors nearby.

9. They are best if you can refrigerate overnight.

So far, I have made four of the recipes from the book, including one with caviar!

I am going to turn into a deviled egg.



So, in an eggshell, I am sad. I am trying to work through some stuff and I don't know where it will lead me.

In the meantime, would you care for an egg?

I spoke with Dr. Beautiful today. It went as expected. She doesn't know why, she would like to see me try again. She mentioned many times how well I respond to the meds. She kept saying "you have no idea how well you respond, and I don't mean for 40 year olds, you get great response for women in their thirties"

She went on to say, "I'd like to see you try it again. There are no guarantees. We don't know why it didn't work, but you sure do respond well enough to give it another go."

To my surprise, she never mentioned donor eggs.

She told me that I was an excellent patient, she wished all of her patients were like me and she also said: "you would be an amazing mother and it would be so wonderful if we could get it to work for you".

I asked her if she would change my protocol. Her answer was "no".

I wanted to ask about her not checking my E2 level but thought that would be something to request during IVF#3.

She said that I did not need to waste a month on BCP's for "ovary rest" and I could begin injectables after I start my period in a week.

She mentioned that they know that from all of the studies and research, age is a factor.

I asked about getting brownie points for a 3.4 FSH and because I get so many eggs, or because all of my tests were above normal....... do I stand a better chance?

She was silent. Awkwardly silent.

As much as doctors make a big deal about all of these tests and how you have to pass, their tests are only for the Grade of F - you never get an A.

YOU WILL NEVER MAKE AN A.

In 4 years, I have subjected myself to so many tests that it actually is making me sob right now just thinking about it. I am sobbing silently because my husband is in his office and will hear me if I really let it go like I want to.

As long as I am silently weeping, he won't poke his head in here while I type this.

Every single test that I have subjected myself to has resulted in flying colors and accolade on the lab slip but has done little to impress my doctors.


I'll tell you a secret. There is a huge statue of the Virgin Mother off of the 101 Freeway on my way to Stanford and every single fucking time I had an appointment, I took her roses from my garden. I wrapped the bottoms with wet paper towels and I would lay them at her feet and say a prayer. I felt a bit unworthy because I am not Catholic and I thought she would know that I was never raised to pray to her, but I needed her help. I would place the wet paper toweled roses in a baggie for the commute. One time, I noticed a drop of blood inside the baggie and I took that as a sign. Back then, I took it as a good sign but now I see it as a warning. A metaphor of wasted blood, sweat and tears that might as well have been leaked into a baggie and thrown away.


I had a dear family member die suddenly last year. Her name was Mary and I cannot talk about everything yet, it is too much. I flew back to South Carolina for her funeral but she miraculously stayed alive when everything in her body had shut down. I sat with her family and mine at the hospital for two weeks as she fought death. I always thought people succumbed when it was time, that they found peace, but she made it clear that "it sucked" and she was not ready to go. She told me many times "don't give up on your babies, keep trying,....DON'T give up".

The last thing that I talked to Mary about was our upcoming IVF and I promised her that if I ever had a daughter I would name her "Mary Elise" or "Mary Anna Elise" and Mary said that she thought they were both "pretty".

Oh Lord. This is hard.

I just told M. about my conversation with Dr. Beautiful.

He said, "I can't see us doing IVF again. Not now. Not anytime soon."

I said, "It is now or never, I don't have time on my side anymore."

He said, "I don't see it happening."


I don't think he has noticed how much I am blowing my nose or how silent I am trying to be. I think it may be time to go to bed.

I have had many cycles of responses to the question "do you have any kids?"; "how many children do you have?"; "do you want children?".......

I don't want to make these people feel uncomfortable and yet, I don't want to be vague, and I also don't want to talk about IT sometimes because I get a sinking feeling in my heart and my bottom lip wants to quiver and my voice begins to shake and I don't want to get tears in my eyes so I must find a way to stop it from escalating.

What I do now is tell them the truth. My intentions are to be honest and fill in as many blanks as possible in a three sentence period of time.

So, what do I say?

"We would love to have children and it has been a bit involved. We recently completed our second IVF that has been difficult to recover from........things are not looking good and it breaks my heart. It has been hard."

50% of the time, I get compassion.

50% of the time, I get advice.

100% of the time, my cards are on the table. I genuinely believe that people care.

Right now, for me, saying the pat sentence says it all in a nutshell.