So, when is it time to throw in the towel?
I think that you hear of so many:
"Oh, on the 7th IVF, Brooke Shields finally had her beautiful baby";
"It usually takes three IVFs for it to work";
"You're so close"....
You never hear of the failures. I can't recall hearing:
"My neighbor tried 7 times and finally gave up";
"That couple is still paying the debts from their 4 IVF loans that failed";
"By the time they were done throwing away $78,000.00 for IVFs, they were too old for adoption to be an option, they should have adopted sooner".
Right now, honestly, I am at peace.
I HAVE FOUND PEACE!
I know it is temporary and mainly because that bitch Hope is in my house.
I am gripping onto my towel as if I am in a terrible storm in the midst of the Pacific Ocean.
I have been depressed and angry because having a baby is not supposed to be this difficult. I never, ever thought I couldn't have children. I have been gut punched but I also need to learn to cope.
Right now, today, this week, I feel empowered. I am tired of getting my ass kicked by infertility.
Life is short. I refuse to let this ruin the rest of my living days.
I will be in a grave one day.
I have lived a wonderful life, it is just not perfect.
I am so blessed to have found my husband. I wish I had met him sooner but I wish a lot of things.
I need to take control.
I have to be positive and calm and relaxed. None of my IVFs have failed because of stress. I have been extremely proud of myself for rising above the enormous pressure of injections and doctors visits and blood work and surgeries and two week waits.
I have to dive off the cliff now.
I'll know the outcome only when I hit the water.
My best girlfriend (Debbie) lives in Orlando, Florida. She flew out to visit me last summer with her two daughters - aged 3 and 6 years. At the end of our week vacation, we were sitting on our deck watching her daughters play badminton and Debbie asked me why I was going to be so aggressive with IVF#1.
I asked her, "Can you imagine your life without your girls? Can you imagine not being a mother or grandmother one day? What would you do if you didn't have your children?"
Debbie said, "I'd be sitting here on this chaise lounge telling you about the magnificent trip to Europe that my husband and I were able to take and I would be able to tell you how much I appreciate my husband and how precious our relationship is. Instead, I can tell you about poop and potty training and art classes and social skills. I am consumed with my children. I never knew how much work was involved. I'd never take it back, but appreciate what you have too."
If this is not meant to be, if everything that I fight for becomes a complete panty waste, then I have to move on. I will have to find something within myself that gives me courage and strength to move on.
If I have the courage to fight, then I must have the courage to survive also.
I not only want to succeed, but I want to be happy for as long as I shall live and that is the challenge - being able to play the cards that you are dealt.
