The party went on until 11:30 last night. I assumed that since it was a Sunday, and most people have to work on Monday, and since it started at 2:00, that people would leave early.

I actually, surprisingly, had a fantastic time. Usually, I get a bit stressed making sure everything is going as planned that I don't allow myself to fully enjoy my own parties. Yesterday, it was different.

The lemon centerpieces turned out well and one of my guests took all of them home with her. This particular woman loves freezing the zest and juice for year-round use. She told me there is tangerine in the genetics of these particular lemons (murphy or murray lemons?)but since they are more prone to disease and have a thin, sweeter skin, they are not sold in stores.


People are funny. Some people really amuse me.

One person, in particular, was amusing the hell out of me yesterday.

The couple came (I had met them once before, briefly), and his wife was carrying her own wine glass to the party. I thought to myself "wow, she doesn't like drinking wine out of plastic either", but to bring a glass, well, okay. She looked surprised when she saw our table of glasses and I helped her husband to a glass and a wine charm, I mentioned to her that she may not need a charm since she'll clearly know which glass is hers (it was actually a "tasting" glass from a wine function she had gone to and our glasses were the large red wine kind - I'll be childish and bitchy now to say that our glasses were better. there.)

So, this lady is a bit snooty. She is originally from Beverly Hills and lets you know it within the first 5 minutes of talking to her.

Now, I was busy, there were a lot of people here and everyone else was amazing and delightful. I guess there has to be one in a crowd.

Mrs. Hills asked me where I was from and when I told her South Carolina, she said: "I have never been to the south before. I have always been afraid. Do you think it is safe for someone like me to travel to the south?"

"What do you mean?" I asked, seriously.

"I wonder if I would experience hostility from locals because I am not 'one of them' and then, I just picture getting pulled over by a highway patrol and suddenly disappearing because I don't belong there." She went on to explain.

"People are like me, but friendlier. It is not like 'Deliverance'." I said.

I can imagine the conversations this lady has had about "people like me". Honestly, being married to a Yankee has its advantages. If I was married to another Southerner, she would be able to talk about the "hick" party she went to over the weekend.



The big hit of the party were not my satanic eggs, but my hush puppies.


Hush Puppee Fixin's 

I actually get my hush puppy mix from Hyman's Seafood in Charleston. A lot of people had never eaten hushpuppies and I served them hot. These are made with beer and are the best I have ever tasted. I actually made 3 different batches throughout the evening because they are best hot out of skillet.


Pretty Pups 

The history of hushpuppies is that when farmers/hunters cooked outside (ex: frying catfish) the hunting dogs would bark and bark from the smell of the food so what they used to do, is put spoonfuls of batter in the hot oil and then they would throw those to the dogs to keep them quiet.

Now, two batches had already made their rounds earlier and everyone was lovin' 'em so, for my last batch, a friend said she would pass them around for me. I was busy cooking away and my friend came back and said Mrs. Beverly Hills wanted some honey.

"What does she want honey for?" I asked.

"She said the hush puppies need honey." My friend told me.

So, I went over to Mrs. Hills and said, "you want honey? with the hushpuppies? have you ever had hushpuppies before?"

"No, they are good. I just thought it would be nice to serve them with some honey." she said. "You don't have to run to the store and get me some, they just remind me of a Mexican dessert and I thought honey would be a nice touch."

Good that she stopped me from fetching my car keys.........yeah, right.


So, good times were had by all, except, possibly, Beverly Hills. I had ordered a cake and put some candles on it, just because that is what you do with cakes like that and then I thought, what are people going to sing and before I could get the last candle lit, one guest started up singing "Hit The Road Jack" and everyone chimed in, it was hilarious. "Don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more............" for a going away party!!!


I have been cleaning most of the day. I had two dishwasher loads of wine glasses and guess what, Mrs. Hills left me hers.



As the evening went on, and people were getting more loose (read: tipsy), I walked around with my deviled egg serving dish and asked "would you like a kissmyass deviled egg?" and when I told the story of how many hours it took me to make them the day before and I wanted people to be kissing my ass while they were eating them, I heard other horror egg stories. Apparently, brown, fertile, organic eggs are notoriously difficult to peel and everyone agreed, they need to be old and not so fresh. They were delicious, just the hush puppies were outstanding.

I loved walking up to Mrs. Hills and asking her, "would you care for a kissmyass deviled egg?". She said she can't eat eggs. Too bad.

Deviled Egg Recipe

Eggs - old, white, non-organic, non-fertile (we'll call them Julianna eggs)
Mayonnaise
Dry Mustard
Sweet pickle relish
Beau Monde
Pepper
Olive slice/sliver to garnish
Paprika to garnish


Boil eggs by placing in pot with cool water, allow to boil for 10 minutes. Place in ice water. Peel eggs when cool and slice lengthwise. Place the yellows in a bowl. Start with one tablespoon of mayonnaise (depending on number of eggs) and add teaspoon of relish, teaspoon of dry mustard, teaspoon of Beau Monde (or salt), pepper. Mix vigorously with a fork and keep adding mayonnaise until fluffy. Lot of stirring to get the fluff going. Taste and add more relish if desired.

Place in center of egg halves. Add paprika just before serving (gets mushy otherwise) and put a sliver of olive on each one if you so desire.

Nothin' like spending a weekend preparing for a party.

I am in love/hate with myself for volunteering for this madness.

Right now, this very afternoon, I am in a very, very pissy mood.

I got a beautiful manicure and pedicure yesterday.

I have been busy all day preparing for the big day tomorrow and I am only about 1/10 of the way done. It is clearly evident that there is no way in hell, I will be able to do everything that I wanted for the party.

I am actually cheating and ordering a cheese platter and wraps (veggie, ham, turkey wraps) platter. I will promptly place everything on my own serving dishes and they won't know what I made or what I bought by the time I am done.

The party is for a good friend who is moving to Tucson next week.

There is a group of about 12 men who will be playing golf all morning and around 2:00 they will be descending upon my house. Everyone else will be here between 2:00 and 3:00 and I even have 8 people coming after 5:00 - so I will have many hungry men and I need food that will be good for many hours - not things that will get cold. It looks like there will be 45 - 50 people now, actually, the numbers don't scare me. The more, the merrier, as far as I am concerned.

We have plenty of wine glasses and I let people pick their own charms so they know which glass is theirs all day. That is the only thing that I splurge on, good wine glasses (we bought in bulk a year ago). I can't stand drinking wine out of plastic. For the food, however, I have plastic plates and they even have a notch to hang wine glasses. I got those from a fund raiser last year. They are cheap but so much better than paper plates and, anyway, I do not have enough dishes for that many people.

The main clean up comes with my wine glasses and everything else can be thrown away. It makes it easy.


I love adding a southern flair when I can so I will be making some little hush puppies and my aunts amazing deviled eggs. I will also have celery stuffed with pimento cheese as snacks.

I called my Aunt Mary Alice to get her recipe. Mayonnaise, dry mustard, sweet pickle relish, Beau Monde (WTF), pepper and sweet paprika. Paprika to be added just before serving, not the day before - it gets mushy.

Me: "If I leave Beau Monde out, will it make a difference?"

Aunt M.A.: "No. Just add salt then."

Me: "Okay, thanks. They just finished boiling so I am off to peel."

Aunt M.A.: "I hope you have old eggs."

Me: "No, I just bought them this morning, why would I want old eggs?" Personally, I am tired of having old eggs.

Aunt M.A.: "Because you can't shell fresh eggs. The membrane doesn't separate."

Me: "Well fuck. (not really but I thought it)"

Aunt M.A.: "Go put them in ice water and crack the shells a bit and hope that it loosens up."



I have been in my kitchen for the past two and a half HOURS, trying to pick teensy, itsy bitsy pieces of egg shell from the embryonic chicken bastards.

Most of them are dented and picked to death. They will not be pretty but I will present them in such a manner tomorrow that they will be the hit of the party because those motherfuckers are not going to beat me.

My beautiful manicure looks like hell.

I have lemons year round in my yard. Sweet, juicy, amazing lemons. Last week, the tree was leaning so much that I picked a paper bag full and took them to work for everyone there. This is my tree today, remember there were twice as many last week!



Lemons Aplenty 



Here is a better view to show how much it is leaning:



Lemon Leaning 



This is my first experiment with my digital camera so hopefully I did it right.


Anyway!! As you can hopefully see, this tree needs to be plucked!!!

I was going to make something (lemon pie or some other baked item) but I am running out of time. So, I am thinking of picking all the lemons and decorating with them. Perhaps I will put them in glass vases, I could also scatter lemons on the serving tables or maybe I will give them as hostess gifts - just kidding!. If anyone has any ideas, SIMPLE, that would be great.


Our friends that own a winery are bringing a wine barrel full of cabernet, so people will be able to use a "thief" to get their wine which will be cool.

I will have plenty of food, the weather is going to be beautiful and now, we will have amazing, limitless wine.

What to do with the lemons!

Okay, time for me to get back to work. This was a nice little break. Sorry for the rambling and spelling ahead of time. No rest for the weary.

I'm off to get my flowers in order before I get back to those fucking oocytes. I haven't even sliced them yet to get the yellow out. I will never, ever make deviled eggs again as long as I live.

For the most part, I laugh when I see what some people search for to find their way to my blog. Yesterday, I had "my day is sucking and could be a hell of a lot better if only I had passed that Algebra exam".........now....how in the hell did they get here, on my blog, and I was one of the first ones listed for the poor soul. They must have really thought they were in hell. I can't imagine what I have typed that would have led them here.

Lately though, I have been getting a sinking feeling in my heart. This past week, I have had a huge increase in hits because of searches regarding RESCUE ICSI. I guess I have mentioned it enough, that I appear on searches, closer to the top.



Rescue ICSI was performed on my 11 oocytes 23 hours after retrieval and although 9 miraculously fertilized, PGD tests revealed severe chromosome abnormalities in all nine. I recently found the PGD results that my husband had simply filed away without telling me, one of the embryos had both XX and XY as the sex! Now, that is impressive! (oocytes cannot be fertilized at all after 24 hours):

http://humrep.oupjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/17/9/2423
"CONCLUSIONS: Although unfertilized oocytes after IVF can be fertilized by ICSI, the developmental potential of the ensuing embryos is very poor. Therefore, rescue ICSI after total failure of fertilization is not recommended."

If you are one of the ones here because of a "rescue ICSI" search, I am truly sorry. I know what you have been through to get to where you are, you just finished your (most likely) first IVF and you have been excited to see your follicles grow on the ultrasound, you were thrilled with the number of eggs retrieved and you waited anxiously the next day to hear how many embryos divided and you never expected to hear "we have a problem". Unfortunately, I got my hopes up when I heard that nine responded to the rescue, I had no idea that things were still looking very very bad for success.

I am sorry to be so blunt, I am sorry you are here, but I wish I knew more about rescue ICSI while I was going through it. I could have started grieving earlier.


My lovely husband got home last night. Sometimes I just cry. Sometimes it is just too much.

After dinner, I said "I am actually ovulating today, I was kind of hoping that I would ovulate while you were out of town just so I could have a peaceful month. Then, the pathetic child in me thinks maybe it is meant to be that I am ovulating with perfect timing of your arrival. It really gets to be pathetic after a while."

"My baby isn't pathetic." He said.

He came to sit by me on the couch and rubbed my legs that I had strewn across his lap.

"I feel like such a failure." I said.

"My baby is NOT a failure. I am so proud of you. You have no idea how proud I am of you." He said.

"What could you possibly be proud of?" I said as I wiped the tears from my face.

I went on to tell him about the TBW updates and that if she finds out she is pregnant, I just cannot stay there. He completely supports me quitting whenever I want to but he also knows that it is important for me to work a little bit, it gets me out among the living more, I have my spending money without asking him for donations, I went through six different offices when we moved here before I found someone I respected enough to work with, so I know it will be hard to just "find another job".

When I told him about her triplet comment, he said I should have said: "Only if I can get pick of the litter.".

I know why she gets under my skin so much. I know the deep down gut level reason. It is because she is stupid, offensive, insensitive, childish and downright ridiculous and I find myself being a pansy to her antics. I am a willing victim and I don't fight back. I have been avoiding her like the plague but still, I don't fight back. In any other situation, I would call an idiot on their behavior. I would be a smartass back just to let their inner child know not to fuck with my inner child. I have been letting her child beat the shit out of my child and I am pissed at myself. Her husband is my boss. I really, really love my job. She just started working in the office 3 months ago. I can avoid her most of the day (I am busy with my own patients all day), but damn, when she gets me, she gets me good.

I think deep down, she hates me. She must.

I even called (feigning concern) to see how many embryos they transferred yesterday. Honestly, I was hoping that the office manager would say "none made it" and then I would know that I can keep my job for the next few months.

I am keepin' it real. Ugly isn't it?

The office manager wasn't sure how many were transferred but said the doctor said they looked "better than last time and he was almost certain this time it would work" - I remember their doctor made such promises last time too.

So, I am in a 2ww of a different kind. When I do quit, I will simply say that I need to take time to focus on us starting a family. They will never know that I am quitting because TBW is intolerable. I learned a long, long time ago not to say anything to a boss about his wife. When I first graduated from college, I worked in an office with an impossible TBW and I was honest with him about why I left. I actually said "many people will come in and out of here and you will never really know why, so I am here to tell you" - his wife still works in his office.

I just need to take care of myself.

So, too many things are out of my control right now. That is what gets me down.

I am getting my ass kicked right now, by my infertility and now by my bosses wife.

I need to get my power back.

I told M. that I want to talk to Dr. Beautiful, that I already know what she is going to say "we don't know why", but I want to hear what she thinks about IVF#3. M. encouraged me to call her. He knows where I am headed. I am trying to give him time. Unfortunately, I feel a bit under the gun.

So, that is the gist of my angst. I have no power or control in my life and I am tired of getting my ass kicked.



On another note, I am hosting a going away party for a good friend of ours on Sunday. There will be 40 - 45 guests so I will be a busy bee all weekend. The weather is supposed to be delightful and I will make sure the mood is grand.

It's amazing how I can pull it all off. Crying on the inside, dancing on the outside. You should come watch me pull it off. It will be quite impressive.

I was so glad to get off work early today. How lazy am I, that I work two days a week and I still grab any chance I can to get the heck out of that place.

The Bosses Wife stories later (doing IVF#2 - 14 eggs - 7 fertilized - transfer is tomorrow and she told me today that if they have triplets, she'll give me one!). I don't think I need to say anymore about TBW. That is it in a nutshell. I can't stand her.

So.........I'm drivin' home, mindin' my own beeswax and the car in front of me is weaving abruptly and I realize the driver is hitting the passenger. On a two lane highway (double yellow lines), he is hitting the passenger over and over and over again while weaving. I see the passenger hits back a few times and then the driver grabs a pony tail and that is when I realized he was beating a woman. He grabbed her pony tail and shoved her face down in his crotch two times - she didn't stay down long. For a good six miles, I was keeping my distance behind them watching the terror and I noticed there was a baby seat behind the driver and I swear I saw toddler arms waving a couple of times.

The highway ends in my town so I figured they lived here and I headed for where I thought the police department was located. I have lived here for 2 years and never needed to know where the police station is until today. I have no cell phone, as of last month, because I got a $360.00 bill and was pissed and told them to discontinue my service and I haven't bothered to go somewhere else to get a phone. So, after about 15 minutes of getting lost, I finally found the sheriff's department and went in with my notes on an elliptical machine brochure - the only paper I had in my car.

Anyway! I go in there, still shaking from the drama and the nice sheriff lady said my hand writing was awful.

I said: "I know. I was driving, I was nervous, that was the only paper I had and my ball point pen wouldn't write on that waxy brochure......wonder why that happens with pens on that kind of paper.......and of all times to have that kind of paper and only a ball point pen....."

It was about then that the nice sheriff lady gave me that look. The "WTF" look.

So, I shut up.

She kept writing down the wrong license plate number and car information because she was reading what I wrote and not listening to me tell her what my scribble meant. I knew how to read it, that is all that mattered.

She immediately got on her cb looking thing and called out to the troops and then came back to the bullet proof glass where I was and asked for my phone numbers - ("no....of course I don't have a cell, or I would have called y'all 30 minutes ago!") soooooooo........I came straight home and wouldn't you know that the sheriff called me about 45 minutes later.

"Mrs. Julianna?"

Before he could ask me any questions, I told him the entire story detail for detail until he stopped me and said they were at the subjects house. They were being questioned but they were both denying it and said they were playing a little bit with each other but nothing like what I described.


I said he hit her for 10 minutes or more and she fought back about 10% of the time - 90% of that time he was hitting her. I even described the pony tail head jerk and also mentioned that I thought I saw toddler arms in the car seat.

"Did you ever see them endanger the child?" he asked.

"No. I never saw them hit towards the back seat where the child was seated." I said.

"Well, they are both denying that any of that happened." he said.

"Excuse me sir, but I hardly made it up. Look at that ladies left arm......her upper arm. There is absolutely no way that I saw what I saw and her not have marks. That is where he was hitting mostly, on her upper left arm. He was driving wrecklessly and I was expecting to see an accident at any moment. He went over the double line at least twice onto oncoming traffic............" I remembered everything.

"They are both cooperating and say they were just playing." he said.

"You know what, I take it back, if they are both saying they were playing around then they were endangering that child and everyone else who happened to be on the road at that time.."

The conversation then turned to the road endangerment and he listened intently and said they would get back in contact with me.

I hope they were both hauled off to jail.

Fuck 'em.



So, that was my lovely afternoon off.............I wish I had stayed at work with TBW promising her left over babies to me.





*******UPDATE, NEED INPUT**********
Okay, I would love, ADORE, some opinions. M. is out of town (as he is many weeks) and when he phoned last night, I told him about my day. He is very upset that I turned them in. He says that I should have minded my own business and not gotten involved. He says that at best, we will be left alone. At worst, some thug and his lady have our information now and are most likely VERY pissed. When I told him that she was denying it, he said "of course and she will probably be with him for years and here you are trying to save the world". In all fairness, my husband is a Yankee, born and raised in Boston where he learned to mind his own business. Of course, I was raised differently. What would you have done?

His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools and ran to the bog.

There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.

The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

"I want to repay you," said the nobleman. "You saved my son's life."

"No, I can't accept payment for what I did," the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.

"Is that your son?" the nobleman asked.

"Yes," the farmer replied proudly.

"I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy. If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of." And that he did.

Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.

What saved his life this time? Penicillin.

The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son's name?

Sir Winston Churchill.

I have been heavy. Not so much as in weight but in the heart. I have been heavy- hearted.

I was laying in bed with my husband this morning and I told him I wanted to start skipping through life again. "I want to be like Tinkerbell", I said.

"I want you to be happy." is all he said.

"I haven't REALLY, REALLY been happy in a long time. I am completely consumed with my infertility. I am fighting and struggling and afraid that if I give up now, I will regret it later. I feel so under the gun with time. I feel I have wasted so much time in our marriage waiting and hoping and we should have been aggressive a lot sooner. Seventy five percent - 75%! - of any given day is consumed with my empty nursery. I want to be happy and light. I want to be like Tinkerbell flitting through this world."

"That's my baby." is all he said.

"I get so very tired of hoping and trying and wishing and everything is completely out of my control. I can wish and hope and I can relax and not think about it, I can dive into IVF with a vengeance and I can be as positive as the next person......but none of it........NOTHING helps me fill that nursery down the hall. I get angry at people who have it so easy. I used to only get pissed when I heard someone got pregnant and didn't plan it, now I find myself getting pissed if someone gets pregnant doing their first IVF. I am not pissed at them though......I am pissed at my body. I think that deep down, I hate my ovaries and uterus for betraying me. I never, ever imagined I would have these years of infertility hell. I want it fixed, I want it gone, I want to be normal."

"Well, how about you try to be Tinkerbell and I will make an effort to be Peter Pan for you." he said.

"Ewwwwwwwww.........nooooooooo........that would be a turn off to be married to Peter Pan. How about if you continue to be my granite and I will try to be like Tinkerbell."

"That's my baby." is all he said.

Joanne came up with this question/answer exercise for infertiles.

I must say that it was very therapeutic (as in therapy) to purge and re-group. It is kind of frightening when you see the toll of infertility. It makes me want to be more kind to myself. Damn! I have been through a lot in the past couple of years.





INFERTILITY TREATMENT

What professional infertility treatment/therapy are you currently undergoing (if any)? waiting on IVF#3

What's the most painful medical infertility procedure you've experienced? The HSG (x-ray of the fallopian tubes) - I was rushed to the emergency room because my autonomic nervous system shut down. I heard the radiologist call the ER doctor and say "I think we're losing her". I was alone because I was told an HSG is no big deal. My husband was PISSED when the ER nurse called him at work. He was pissed because I was all alone and he was 2 hours away.

What's the all-things-considered, most unpleasant infertility treatment/procedure you've experienced? The HSG

What procedure that you stayed awake dreading beforehand, turned out to be much simpler than expected? Retrieval surgery

What's the most crazy-making medication you've taken? What did you do while on it that had you worried about your state or country's involuntary asylum committal laws? Clomid. I was "fit to be tied" - that is the only way I can describe the antsyness I felt.

What feared medication ended up agreeing with you? All of the injectables agreed with me - very surprisingly.

What are the worst physical side-effects you've experienced as a result of treatment? Clomid - extremely painful right ovary for months.

What medical treatment(s) did your spouse undergo? Willingly or unwillingly? Several semen analysis, urology appointment and of course the collection room escapades for the five IUI's and two IVF's.

Please list all the infertility professionals you've consulted: GP, 5 REs, urologist, OB-GYN.

What is the most helpful thing a medical professional ever said to you in re infertility? "Don't worry about it, it will happen." my OB-GYN

What is the least helpful thing an infertility professional ever said to you? "Don't worry about it, it will happen." my OB-GYN (love/hate sentence)

Have you jettisoned any doctors in the course of infertility? If so, why? I could get pissed and second guess many things but I try not to - it drives me crazy the thousands of things that need examining.

What self-prescribed treatment/therapy/behavior are you currently undergoing in hopes that it will improve fertility? I was recently told "get your heart rate up and you'll get pregnant", so I am starting to run.

What self-prescribed treatment/therapy have you continued for wellness reasons even though it hasn't helped the infertility? Not taking advil.

What's the most annoying-in-retrospect self-prescribed infertility treatment/therapy you've tried? Doing shoulder stands for 10 minutes after sex when I knew I was ovulating. Not a pretty sight for DH, I can assure you.

What's the dumbest self-prescribed infertility treatment/therapy you've refused to try? Who suggested it? I've tried everything. Nothing is too stupid for me!

Which is worse for you:
Blood draws or ultrasounds? Blood draws
Too much Internet medical information or not enough? Not enough
Unconcerned doc or judgmental one? Unconcerned
Undergoing treatment or waiting to undergo treatment? WAITING!
Giving up coffee completely or drinking some and feeling guilty? Giving it up completely
Two-week-waits or high school algebra class?Two-week-waits

ADOPTION PROCESS

Where are you in the adoption process? Nowhere. My husband is not on the same page ........ yet?

What's been the most difficult part of the formal process? my husband not even wanting to discuss it yet.

What part of the process did you most dread beforehand, that turned out to be easy as a recliner?

What life changes have you made that you will immediately discard after the homestudy?

What life changes have you made for the home study that you will continue indefinitely?

What paperchase steps has your spouse taken on? Willingly or unwillingly?

What is the most helpful thing an adoption professional/authority ever said to you?

What is the least helpful thing an adoption professional/authority ever said to you? "You know, a lot of places add cumulative ages, so you and your husband need to start immediately or you'll never be able to adopt" I am 41, he is 46.

Have you ever lost your temper with an official you're supposed to be buttering up? If yes, please explain: Not to do with adoption but I had a complete bitch session with my RE's nurse - down and dirty - back and forth - she hung up on me. She lied to me and I was furious and I called her on it.......it was clear she was used to being "buttered - up" and not called on her negligence. I later imagined her going into the lab and "spilling" my embryos.

How often is it helpful to play the adoption card when trying to get a bureaucrat to do something?


PERSONAL LIFE

Please list any fertility or adoption superstitions/rituals: Never have our wedding picture on the "bad wall" - fung shui - painted bedroom yellow, try to will it to happen with wonderful, positive, sickening thoughts.

Please list any fertility or adoption charms, and the people who gave them to you: Kokopelei, certain stones, prayer cards, prayer pendants, too many to count - given by many family members.

Have you gained even deeper appreciation for anyone in your life because of the challenges posed by infertility or adoption? If yes, whom? Husband, parents, my younger sister, my best friend Debbie who is fertile myrtle and gives me much strength in spite of never experiencing the pain of infertility.

Has the experience of infertility or adoption made you distance yourself from anyone in your life, even though you still love him/her? If yes, whom? My older sister and I did not speak for a month because she was emailing gory detail news of her sister-in-laws homebirth and pictures (her third unplanned child that they cannot afford) - my sister was emailing me all of this the very same week my first IVF failed. When I emailed her and told her to take me off her "announcement" list, she thought I was being bitchy and too sensitive. Many other people get on my nerves now.

What's the most ignorant-but-well-meaning comment you've heard related to infertility or adoption? "Just try IVF again!" as if it is cheap and easy

Who in your life has earned your everlasting enmity because of their attitude toward your infertility or adoption challenges? The Bosses Wife (TBW)

What's the most deliberately awful behavior someone has hit you with -- something that by rights should land them in some deeper level of hell than even Dante knew about? TBW because she is an idiot on so very many levels.

What's the most delicious thing you've said about or wished on this person in return? I wished her IVF failed and was very pleased that it did.
She will find out next week if her IVF#2 worked. I'll have to quit my job if it did.

What infertility or adoption stereotype makes you angrily pull out your soapbox? That it wasn't meant to be.

What song epitomizes infertility or the adoption process for you? "I Would Die For You"

What irreversible physical development do you like to blame on infertility treatment or the adoption process? gaining 10 pounds even though I lost weight while injecting meds.

If you have pets, do you treat them like children (e.g., refer to yourself and your spouse as "Mommy" and "Daddy," etc.)? Would you do this regardless of your childless status? Yes.

Do you have any guilty pleasures you wouldn't want your doc or social worker to know about? If so, what? I drink red wine often.

Is there a television show you've stopped watching, or a book you've stopped reading because of issues related to infertility or adoption? Do you actually yell at the TV or throw the book? I hate "The View".....I have to turn it off anymore. With Elisabeth and her gloating, and now Star with her proclamations of waiting a year before having a baby and that bitch is 42 already!!!!

Do you eavesdrop on people in various waiting rooms? If so, what's the most interesting thing you've overheard? There was a woman who always came in with her ovum donor and it was interesting to see their interaction. The older (45?) woman seemed to treat her early 20's donor like a child. It was interesting to see their interaction.

Have you proposed over-the-top alternative life plans to your spouse in case it's not possible to become a parent/expand the family? If so, what? Become foster parents.

If you were forced on pain of toe-piercing to name a silver lining to infertility treatment or the adoption process, what would it be? Sorry, I'd have to get my toe pierced through the bone. I cannot think of one silver lining.

What has infertility or adoption taught you that you're glad you learned? What do you regret learning? Both lessons would be that, no matter how hard you try, no matter how much you don't give up, no matter how many positive affirmations you utter, there are so many things that you cannot control or make better.

How often do you think of your infertility on any given day? 75%

So, I have my ballot for the SAG Awards and I need to mail it this week. The show airs on February 5th at 8:00 p.m.

Since I have been in SAG for about 15 years, I get to vote.

Unfortunately, I have not seen a lot of these films yet. Usually my husband helps me with my voting, but he is as useless as me this year.

So, for those of you who are interested, I would love some input.

note to SAG: before you take my ballot away, this is no different than asking friends for their opinions.





11TH ANNUAL SCREEN ACTORS GUILD AWARDS® NOMINATIONS

THEATRICAL MOTION PICTURES

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Leading Role
::Don Cheadle / HOTEL RWANDA
::Johnny Depp / FINDING NEVERLAND
::Leonardo DiCaprio / THE AVIATOR
::Jamie Foxx / RAY
::Paul Giamatti / SIDEWAYS

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Leading Role
::Annette Bening / BEING JULIA
::Catalina Sandino Moreno / MARIA FULL OF GRACE
::Imelda Staunton / VERA DRAKE
::Hilary Swank / MILLION DOLLAR BABY
::Kate Winslet / ETERNAL SUNSHINE OF THE SPOTLESS MIND

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Supporting Role
::Thomas Haden Church / SIDEWAYS
::Jamie Foxx / COLLATERAL
::Morgan Freeman / MILLION DOLLAR BABY
::James Garner / THE NOTEBOOK
::Freddie Highmore / FINDING NEVERLAND

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Supporting Role
::Cate Blanchett / THE AVIATOR
::Cloris Leachman / SPANGLISH
::Laura Linney / KINSEY
::Virginia Madsen / SIDEWAYS
::Sophie Okonedo / HOTEL RWANDA

Outstanding Performance by a Cast in a Motion Picture

::THE AVIATOR - Miramax Films
Alan Alda - Senator Ralph Owen Brewster
Alec Baldwin - Julian Trippe
Kate Beckinsale - Ava Gardner
Cate Blanchett - Katharine Hepburn
Leonardo DiCaprio - Howard Hughes
Ian Holm - Professor Fitz
Danny Huston - Jack Frye
Jude Law - Errol Flynn
John C. Reilly - Noah Dietrich
Gwen Stefani - Jean Harlow

::FINDING NEVERLAND - Miramax Films
Julie Christie - Mrs. Emma Du Maurier
Johnny Depp - Sir James Matthew Barrie
Freddie Highmore - Peter Llewelyn Davies
Dustin Hoffman - Charles Frohman
Radha Mitchell - Mary Ansell Barrie
Joe Prospero - Jack Llewelyn Davies
Nick Roud - George Llewelyn Davies
Luke Spill - Michael Llewelyn Davies
Kate Winslet - Sylvia Llewelyn Davies

::HOTEL RWANDA - United Artists
Don Cheadle - Paul Rusesabagina
Nick Nolte - Colonel Oliver
Sophie Okonedo - Tatiana Rusesabagina
Joaquin Phoenix - Jack Daglish

::MILLION DOLLAR BABY - Warner Bros.
Clint Eastwood - Frankie
Morgan Freeman - Scrap
Hilary Swank - Maggie

::RAY - Universal Pictures
Aunjanue Ellis - Mary Ann Fisher
Jamie Foxx - Ray Charles
Terrence Dashon Howard - Gossie McGee
Regina King - Margie Hendricks
Harry Lennix - Joe Adams
Clifton Powell - Jeff Brown
Larenz Tate - Quincy Jones
Kerry Washington - Della Bea Robinson

::SIDEWAYS - Fox Searchlight Pictures
Thomas Haden Church - Jack
Paul Giamatti - Miles
Virginia Madsen - Maya
Sandra Oh - Stephanie

PRIMETIME TELEVISION

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
::Jamie Foxx / REDEMPTION
::William H. Macy / THE WOOL CAP
::Barry Pepper / 3
::Geoffrey Rush / THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS
::Jon Voight / MITCH ALBOM’S THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Television Movie or Miniseries
::Glenn Close / THE LION IN WINTER
::Patricia Heaton / NEIL SIMON’S THE GOODBYE GIRL
::Keke Palmer / THE WOOL CAP
::Hilary Swank / IRON JAWED ANGELS
::Charlize Theron / THE LIFE AND DEATH OF PETER SELLERS

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Drama Series
::Hank Azaria / HUFF
::James Gandolfini / THE SOPRANOS
::Anthony LaPaglia / WITHOUT A TRACE
::Jerry Orbach / LAW & ORDER
::Kiefer Sutherland / 24

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Drama Series
::Drea De Matteo / THE SOPRANOS
::Edie Falco / THE SOPRANOS
::Jennifer Garner / ALIAS
::Allison Janney / THE WEST WING
::Christine Lahti / JACK & BOBBY

Outstanding Performance by a Male Actor in a Comedy Series
::Jason Bateman / ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT
::Sean Hayes / WILL & GRACE
::Ray Romano / EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
::Tony Shalhoub / MONK
::Charlie Sheen / TWO AND A HALF MEN

Outstanding Performance by a Female Actor in a Comedy Series
::Teri Hatcher / DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES
::Patricia Heaton / EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND
::Megan Mullally / WILL & GRACE
::Sarah Jessica Parker / SEX AND THE CITY
::Doris Roberts / EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Drama Series

::24 - FOX
Reiko Aylesworth - Michelle Dessler
Carlos Bernard - Tony Almeida
Elisha Cuthbert - Kimberly Bauer
James Badge Dale - Chase Edmunds
Joaquim De Almeida - Ramon Salazar
Dennis Haysbert - David Palmer
Vincent Laresca - Hector Salazar
Mary Lynn Rajskub - Chloe O’Brien
Paul Schulze - Ryan Chappelle
Kiefer Sutherland - Jack Bauer
DB Woodside - Wayne Palmer

::CSI: CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATION - CBS
Gary Dourdan - Warrick Brown
George Eads - Nick Stokes
Jorja Fox - Sara Sidle
Paul Guilfoyle - Jim Brass
Robert David Hall - Dr. Robbins
Marg Helgenberger - Catherine Willows
William Petersen - Gil Grissom
Eric Szmanda - Greg Sanders

::SIX FEET UNDER - HBO
Lauren Ambrose - Claire Fisher
Frances Conroy - Ruth Fisher
James Cromwell - George Sibley
Idalis de Leon - Sophia
Peter Facinelli - Jimmy
Ben Foster - Russell Corwin
Sprague Grayden - Anita
Rachel Griffiths - Brenda Chenowith
Michael C. Hall - David Fisher
Peter Krause - Nate Fisher
Justina Machado - Vanessa Diaz
Freddy Rodriguez - Federico Diaz
Mathew ST Patrick - Keith Charles
Mena Suvari - Edie
Justin Theroux - Joe

::THE SOPRANOS - HBO
Lorraine Bracco - Dr. Jennifer Melfi
Steve Buscemi - Tony Blundetto
Dominic Chianese - Corrado “Junior” Soprano
Vincent Curatola - Johnny “Sack” Sacramoni
Drea De Matteo - Adriana La Cerva
Jamie-Lynn Discala - Meadow Soprano
Edie Falco - Carmela Soprano
James Gandolfini - Tony Soprano
Robert Iler - Anthony Soprano, Jr.
Michael Imperioli - Christopher Moltisanti
Steven R. Schirripa - Bobby “Bacala” Baccilieri
Tony Sirico - Paulie “Walnuts” Gualtieri
Aida Turturro - Janice Soprano
Steven Van Zandt - Silvio Dante
John Ventimiglia Artie Bucco

::THE WEST WING - NBC
Stockard Channing - Dr. Abigail Bartlet
Kristin Chenoweth - Annabeth Schott
Dulé Hill - Charlie Young
Allison Janney - C.J. Cregg
Joshua Malina - Will Bailey
Mary McCormack - Kate Harper
Janel Moloney - Donna Moss
Richard Schiff - Toby Ziegler
Martin Sheen - Pres. Josiah Bartlet
John Spencer - Leo McGarry
Lily Tomlin - Deborah Fiderer
Bradley Whitford - Josh Lyman

Outstanding Performance by an Ensemble in a Comedy Series

::ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT - FOX
Will Arnett - George Oscar Bluth II (Gob)
Jason Bateman - Michael Bluth
Michael Cera - George-Michael Bluth
David Cross - Tobias Fünke
Portia de Rossi - Lindsay Bluth Fünke
Tony Hale - Buster Bluth
Alia Shawkat - Maeby Fünke
Jeffrey Tambor - George Bluth, Sr.
Jessica Walter - Lucille Bluth

::DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES - ABC
Andrea Bowen - Julie Mayer
Ricardo Antonio Chavira - Carlos Solis
Marcia Cross - Bree Van De Kamp
Steven Culp - Rex Van De Kamp
James Denton - Mike Delfino
Teri Hatcher - Susan Mayer
Felicity Huffman - Lynette Scavo
Cody Kasch - Zach Young
Eva Longoria - Gabrielle Solis
Jesse Metcalfe - John the Gardener
Mark Moses - Paul Young
Nicollette Sheridan - Edie Britt
Brenda Strong - Mary Alice Young

::EVERYBODY LOVES RAYMOND - CBS
Peter Boyle - Frank Barone
Brad Garrett - Robert Barone
Patricia Heaton - Debra Barone
Monica Horan - Amy McDougal-Barone
Doris Roberts - Marie Barone
Ray Romano - Raymond Barone
Madylin Sweeten - Ally Barone

::SEX AND THE CITY - HBO
Kim Cattrall - Samantha Jones
Kristin Davis - Charlotte York
Cynthia Nixon - Miranda Hobbes
Sarah Jessica Parker - Carrie Bradshaw

::WILL & GRACE - NBC
Sean Hayes - Jack McFarland
Eric McCormack - Will Truman
Debra Messing - Grace Adler
Megan Mullally - Karen Walker



Screen Actors Guild Awards 41st Annual Life Achievement Award
James Garner

Screen Actors Guild Awards®

It started when I was in kindergarten, I had a cute little dress that must have been too short.

Why my Mama let me out of the house, at that age.....with a mini dress on...is beyond me.

I remember I had an umbrella so it must have been raining and I must have been late because I remember the class was full. There was a closet just inside the classroom and as I opened it to put my umbrella in (I guess those were the rules), my umbrella fell and as I bent over to pick it up, the entire class saw my holey panties. I remember hearing laughter and teases and snickers and my teacher called me to her desk and said I needed to remember to throw those panties away when I got home. I wanted to disappear. My teacher reminded me again at the end of the day, to throw those panties away. I remember thinking "no shit." - I had a foul mind even at that age.

That is my first embarrassing moment, that I can recall.

I think embarrassment comes from being stupid or just downright, not paying attention. Every time I have been embarrassed, it has been of my own accord.

Not too long ago, I borrowed my husband's new nose trimmer. I had never used a nose trimmer. Unfortunately, I went to my make-up mirror with the fancy trimmer in hand, and even put my mirror on the high magnification mode. As I placed that clipper to get the few hairs that bugged me, I became entertained. I found that contraption rather amazing. I made another swoop with the clipper and it was incredibly satisfying to see all those hidden hairs fall onto my make-up vanity. Who knew there were so many hairs way up there in one's nose! I had a project now and I went at it. Painlessly, I removed every hair that that little trimmer could reach without going into my sinuses.

DON'T EVER DO THAT!

Your nose hairs are there for a reason, they act as filters for your body.

After about two days, all those hairs began to come back and it took me about 2 weeks to stop sneezing and itching. I drove everyone crazy around me. "Stop itching your nose!", "Why are you pinching your nose?", "Damn, would you stop sneezing!" - yep, I surround myself with love.


So, I went to Wendy's for lunch.

Surprisingly, there was no one ahead of me in line and I ordered a cheeseburger (no onion) and fries. There were many people seated and about 5 people came in behind me.

I stood at the counter for about 4 minutes (which is long for Wendy's) and finally my tray with french-fries was placed in front of me. I was starving, and started eating my fries off of the tray while waiting for my burger. I LOVE Wendy's fries. A man came up who had been seated and wanted a drink refill. He was standing beside me, to my left. I was in front of my tray. Everyone else was lined up to my right. I continued to eat one fry at a time and finally my burger was placed on the tray........ only.........it looked like a double burger and not the single burger that I ordered and it also looked like there were some onions visible. I proceeded to unwrap it so that I could tell the girl behind the counter that she made a mistake because I ordered a single.

About that time, the man to my left said, "When your food comes, can I put my fingers all over it too?".

He must have been there just before me and had simply gone to claim a table. Obviously, he gulped his drink fast if he was already needing a refill.

I offered to buy his lunch but he just grabbed his tray and was pissed. I mean really, I had eaten a lot of his fries! After I got my tray, I walked to his table and again apologized and offered to at least give him my full fries. He was still pissed and said "forget about it".

No matter my age, when stuff like this happens, all I want to do is go home and go to bed and pull the covers over my head and disappear.

Blogger (blogspot) is really deteriorating. For many months, the profile page has been completely screwed up. It shows that my last post was several months ago and anyone who has started a new blog, it just reads n/a.

It is getting increasingly difficult to post and I am finding it impossible to comment on other blogs.

I shouldn't complain because it is free.

However, at this rate, blogspot may be on borrowed time.


(just when I am paying someone to make my blog pretty)

Norma McCorvey (aka: Jane Roe) was just on television discussing how she is going to file a petition tomorrow to vacate her previous claims more than 32 years ago in Roe v. Wade.

I have known for a while that she has had a change of heart about abortion, but now, she is actively trying to overturn the ruling. She is the only one who is capable of doing it. Apparently, she has to file a complaint to explain that new information has come about in the past 32 years that should be considered. She names "sonograms" and "3-D pictures" and "increased suicide rates in women who have had abortions" as being proof of her change of heart.

She claims that she never knew the consequences of her actions back then.

She and her attorney stated that the suicide rate has risen in women who have had abortions and that they (the women who had abortions), never even knew their doctors in most cases - ummmm, how do they know that?

When asked to back their claims, neither seemed to be able to submit proof.

When asked to prove their suicide rates, she and her attorney were silent.

When asked about the death rate and permanent damage of the women who were forced to have back alley abortions 32 years ago, she said that she wasn't aware of that kind of data.

She looked like an idiot and her attorney even looked embarrassed a few times while she was talking (they were on FOX NEWS - Hannity & Colmes).

She says that three generations have been "lost" because of her original beliefs and she doesn't want to see more generations "lost".

I think she is an egotistical, self-absorbed, activist who wants the rest of the world to swing where and when she swings.

Wouldn't that be amazing to be so arrogant as to think that because you want something, the law should be changed, and then, when you change your mind again, AND AGAIN, the law should be changed, depending on your moods!

THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND ME AND MY PERSONAL BELIEFS ON A DAILY BASIS!!!

Wouldn't that be amazing to be so arrogant???!!!

Let's keep it real, 'cause I'm keepin' it real.

Many things run through my crazy head.

I think of my blog as my journal and need to remember that someone may be reading it so I try to spell check and place commas and periods where they belong (I still question my apostrophe's - should there be one after comma and period? and should I have put one after apostrophe?). I try to make it more understandable by occasionally editing myself. I am nice like that.

I totally appreciate the talents of good blog writers but sometimes I sense their effort and I wish they would just write, don't worry about the grade, just keep it real. I probably think this way because I don't appreciate their perfect sentences as much as I appreciate their honesty and their drama and their story.

I have even read some comments about "your best writing yet!" etc... and I think that puts pressure on one to be "talented" here in blogland. I have even sensed there is a writing clique and I imagine them editing each others posts before they click "publish".

So, I am raw. I despise the idea of someone reading this and grading me. To those people, I say "please don't tell me what would have made this better and how I could have organized my paragraphs better". Occasionally, I get emails from someone who loves to critique me. Actually, I think that is a very arrogant place to position yourself - high up above me and snooting about how much better my post could have been.

I AM NOT A WRITER. I HAVE NEVER CLAIMED TO BE A WRITER. WHEN I ASK FOR YOUR OPINION, IT WILL BE CLEAR (as in the apostrophe question above). OTHER THAN THAT, KINDLY QUIT READING MY BLOG WITH YOUR TEACHER'S PEN.

Why? Because it fucks with my mind. It makes me think of things I shouldn't be thinking about. I am here to purge my soul and my soul does not punctuate while it purges.


Another thing on my mind:

I have been very aware of my mortality since I was a little girl. I guess that makes me a bit neurotic - who knew! So, I just read a brilliant piece about death and dying and procreating and leaving generations in this world. I was actually such an asshole, that I told her it was "magazine worthy" - like who the hell am I now?


Another thing on my mind:

I need to purge my panty drawer. I am more worthy than most of those panties and I am going to buy new underwear today. I may even throw some socks and bras away while I am at it. Yesterday, I wore a bra that was so old it squeaked! Apparently the underwires are wearing thin. Yep, I am more worthy than most of those things in my drawers.


Another thing on my mind:

I am going to have start putting the pressure on my husband about IVF#3. I am completely hopeless without it. In the deepest part of me, I know that is my only chance of ever having a child. We will be married 4 years at the end of May. I have never been more aware of my age than since I turned 40. I want to have a consult with Dr. Beautiful and hear what she has to say, even though I think I already know - "we don't know why this happens", "we can only guess it is the eggs", "I'd really like to see you try it again", "you have excellent response from the meds and excellent fertilization rates with ICSI".....yadda ...yadda.....yadda.

I just don't want to have any regrets when I am in my grave.

I live my life like I am dying. It is actually a good place to be. I want to try IVF one more time before I die. My husband will wonder if I will ever give up, he is already happy and fulfilled. A child would be a great bonus to him, but leaving behind a generation is not anything that he really thinks about.

I want my granddaughter's daughter to hear how much she reminds everyone of her great-grandmother. Yes, I want that.

Is that too much to ask?

If you are ever on "Millionaire" or if you ever happen to get asked this question-

I believe it was during the second date with my husband that we were discussing physics.

He was telling me about when he used to teach physics and I asked him to teach me something then.

It took me about 6 dates, but I finally learned a very basic lesson.


What are the four fundamental forces of nature?

I never knew there were four fundamental forces of nature, much less know how to describe them.

So, for everyone like me, here is the answer:


1. Gravity - the force due to mass

2. Strong- the force that binds the nuclei together

3. Weak- the force that dictates radioactive decay

4. Electromagnetic- the force due to electromagnetic charge

There ya go!

I just took my shower and I got a glimpse of myself in the mirror, yep, we DEFINITELY need to get that treadmill this weekend. Yep. For sure.

I remember I dated a guy once who said that there is absolutely no reason for a lady to be ugly, that no matter how unattractive one might be, they can still take care of themselves and dress well and be attractive.

First the excuse, we have separate tub/shower areas and I just got some lovely bath oils and soaps so I have been taking luxurious candlelit baths. I hate to scrub my big bathtub and have found that when I don't shave in there, I don't have to clean it as much. Especially with the bath oils, the shaved hairs stick to the side and well, it is disgusting.

I hoped in the shower this afternoon and I had to pause when I saw the forest under my arms.

What has come of me?

Clearly, I need to start taking better care of myself.

I just saw this free name analysis on Ankaisa's blog and tried it out.

"Although the name Julianna creates an active mind and a restless urge to explore new ideas, we emphasize that it causes a blunt expression that alienates others. This name, when combined with the last name, can frustrate happiness, contentment, and success, as well as cause health weaknesses in the solar plexus, and tension or accidents to the head.

The influence of Julianna makes you positive, self-assertive, and independent. You can be creative, inventive, and ingenious in practical matters, such as handicrafts. When you have the opportunity to pursue your own goals and interests free from interference, you can feel very agreeable and express a buoyant optimism. On the other hand, you can be impulsive and forceful when opposed, and act without due forethought and discretion. Hence you have many bitter experiences and generally rather unsettled conditions in your life, with little progress and financial accumulation. You cannot tolerate any domination by others, or circumstances that restrict your freedom and independence. You are inclined to make changes abruptly in your life as an escape from such conditions."



Thankfully, I have had no accidents to my head and I don't know what a weak solar plexus feels like but I am known for my crafts and creative genius (well - we won't go that far!), but I am extremely creative and crafty so I was shocked when my first name revealed that very side of me! It is also very true that I love to be independent and free and I cannot tolerate any domination at all from others and I make changes abruptly in such instances.

I also added some family members first names and it was pretty accurate - except for one sister - it was WAY off with her name.

Apparently it also matters what your last name is but I am not going to pay for that analysis.

As I commented in my previous post, I did the nasty yesterday morning. I tested with a home pregnancy test and I saw where the second line is..... but only a faint bit of it. I thought, what kind of crappola is this! I am seeing a bitty piece of a faint line........like a 3 mm piece of a faint second line.

I obsessed over that piece of line and even allowed myself to hope.

I have never seen a faint line before, I have never even seen where the other line is for that matter.

I woke up this morning with heavy cramps and bleeding (my first day is always heavy) and of course, I had to work all day - I mean really...... I work two days a week. Why couldn't it have happened tomorrow. I am too ill to be depressed right now but not too ill to be pissed.

I am pissed at myself for listening to my body hints and pissed at myself for testing, I despise HPT and even blogged about it just ........ummmm......what was it? ....... the previous post? I actually blogged about how I shouldn't test early on my previous post!

I wish I knew how to work my digital camera so y'all could see the shit I got dealt yesterday in that little piece of a line.

1. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
2. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
3. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
4. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
5. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
6. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
7. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
8. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
9. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
10. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
11. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
12. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
13. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
14. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
15. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
16. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
17. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
18. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
19. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
20. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
21. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
22. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
23. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
24. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
25. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
26. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
27. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
28. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
29. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
30. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
31. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
32. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
33. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
34. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
35. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
36. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
37. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
38. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
39. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
40. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
41. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
42. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
43. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
44. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
45. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
46. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
47. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
48. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
49. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
50. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
51. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
52. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
53. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
54. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
55. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
56. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
57. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
58. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
59. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
60. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
61. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
62. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
63. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
64. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
65. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
66. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
67. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
68. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
69. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
70. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
71. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
72. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
73. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
74. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
75. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
76. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
77. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
78. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
79. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
80. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
81. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
82. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
83. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
84. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
85. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
86. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
87. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
88. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
89. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
90. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
91. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
92. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period
93. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
94. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
95. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
96. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
97. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
98. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
99. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.
100. I will never do another HPT unless I am at least one day late for my period.

I would never buy the EPT Certainty test because it has a digital reading. It only says "pregnant" or "not pregnant". It denies one the privilege of the elusive faint line.

No, I will not use one of those digital HPTs until I hear of someone getting a " ...ot pregnant" and the next day perhaps " ...t pregnant" and then finally "pregnant".

I can imagine the conversations:

"I took a HPT and the 'n' was missing!!!!"

"It could be residual HCG if the "n" is missing but not if the 'n' and the 'o' are missing."

"I have a faint 'n'......what does that mean?"

Hell, I think it would be a good idea if the HPT threw confetti and made some noise - perhaps a bugle sounding. I guess that would be a bad thing for all those who don't want to be pregnant.


Some months I hope more than other months and this is one of those months. I know I will feel like a fool and a loser by the end of the week.......but in the meantime, one can dream.

I will do the deed on Thursday.

The recent events have stuck with me. It brings back memories. Memories of a devastating earthquake when I lived in Santa Monica.

I had just bought my first condominium near the Brentwood area of Santa Monica. I was just off of Montana Avenue, a few blocks from the beach. I was single, had worked many years as a dental hygienist and was also a struggling actress. I was so excited that I was finally a homeowner.

I bought my condominium in December of 1993, one month before the "Northridge Earthquake".

It was just after the new year in 1994. It was a little past four in the morning and I remember my little dog Chelsea Belle waking me up. She always slept in my bed with me and I just remember her being very needy and waking me up and then a mere seconds later.....

I felt what a train coming would feel like........but I was not near any train tracks....

I heard a rumbling in the distance and knew something was wrong.

It was only seconds, from when my dog woke me to feeling to hearing and then I only remember holding my dog in my arms as I bounced high in the air and landed back in my bed and all I heard was glass crashing and furniture crumbling.

I immediately thought that I needed to get out of my condo. I felt very vulnerable. I think the first aftershock was within a few minutes.

I knew something devastating had just happened.

I had my dog, still in my left arm, close to my chest, and I proceeded to try to exit my condominium. I started to walk and then soon realized that my feet were being cut with glass so I needed to crawl. I remember thinking that it was better if my knees and calves got cut than the bottom of my feet.

I finally made it from my bedroom to my living room and it was so dark. Pitch black dark. I was on my hands and knees with my sweet Chelsea in the crook of my left arm and I was trying to feel my way out.

The things that blocked me, I could not make out. I was feeling furniture pieces in the dark while I was in the living room and I did not realize that some of the broken pieces actually came from my dining room.

My feet were hurting me and now, my knees were starting to get cut also.

It was so dark.

So completely black.

My eyes were opened but they might as well have been closed.

I was trying to crawl to where I thought my front door would be.

I heard my neighbor (Dan) right outside my door. He was yelling for me.

I was yelling back.........

"Please come get me!!! I can't get out!!!"

He told me that my door was bolted shut and he couldn't get me........he said I needed to keep trying..........I needed to get to the door.

It seemed like forever.

I felt wood and glass and debris in the darkness and couldn't figure out where I was. Nothing made sense.

I kept heading to where my door should be.

I kept heading for Dan's voice.

Finally, I felt the door handle, and I unbolted my door.

I was exhausted and crying and collapsed in his arms. He took me to the street, away from buildings and we heard so many explosions. I think it was gas tanks exploding.

We sat outside with everyone else for a few hours until the sun finally came up.

Chelsea was shaking in my arms. She was incredibly nervous.

There was after-shock after after-shock.

It is very hard to talk about.....still.

I actually got classic symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I came so close to dying.

The "Northridge" earthquake was actually a "rolling" earthquake that jumped up and down the earth's service and my neighborhood happened to be a bump in the journey.

Many homes were "red-tagged" - meaning condemned and absolutely no entrance was allowed ..... or buildings were "yellow-tagged" - meaning restricted entry but still dangerous.

My building was yellow-tagged.

I remember being told that I needed to go to FEMA in Santa Monica on 4th street. I went there, with my dog still in my arms (she shook for weeks), and I was completely taken aback by what this country has to offer when one is faced with such a disaster.

FEMA got all of my information, sent out an inspector and helped me re-build.

So many people complained "I only got $25.00 for my television from FEMA!" and I only thought about how much FEMA added up for all of my destroyed goods and how amazing it was that they helped me so much. FEMA gave me over $9,000.00 for my personal disaster. Granted, it ended up costing me over $150,000 (I had not yet bought insurance for my condo thinking I would get it in due time) but the FEMA money helped me tremendously and I was so grateful.

SBA (Small Business Administration) also gave loans up to $10,000.00 for people who were affected by the disaster and I gladly took them up on it. I still pay $44.00 per month for that loan. It was only 3.5% interest and was a huge help.

This government did not owe me anything. I was so completely humbled by the generosity of those around me.

I remember waiting in the FEMA line and Red Cross volunteers were handing out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and bottled water. I sat with my dog in my arms and cried while I ate that sandwich.

I could not believe my life had come to this.

A Red Cross and government hand-out after going so far.

This is a long story, but one I needed to tell.

I love this country and everything it has given to me. I am so completely grateful of the handouts of others in my time of need.


I would like to donate money to UNICEF. That is what touches my heart right now - the children in SE Asia after the tsunami.

Over 1/3 of those killed in the tsunami were children and over 100,000 children are left homeless.

Tens of thousands of children are orphans now - tens of thousands!

I will donate one dollar for every comment in the next 48 hours (if getupgrrl links me, I may need to borrow from my husband!), all you have to do is comment - I don't care if you just type "donate".

May God Bless all those hurting.

Yep, that is what my life has become.

A big huge friggin' coo-coo and hoo-ha watch.

I should be getting a child ready for pre-K, hell, I could even have a child starting college at my age.........at the very least I should be changing dirty diapers and not examining my coo coo for color changes - thank you Cricket for the new symptom!

I should be embarrassed but I am not.

Welcome to my little world during my 2 week wait.

I will spare the details from here on......in the meantime, I will take care of my queasy, tired, veiny breasted, dark nippled, shortness of breath, baggy undereyed, purple coo-cooed self.

For three and a half years, I have had pregnancy symptoms.

You would think that I would get desensitized, you'd think that I would not hope so much each and every month.

I don't talk about it anymore to people in my real life. It is truly old and hurts those who care about me. I had them ride my roller coaster of hell way too many times.

The calmest months of my marriage have been when my husband has traveled while I was ovulating so I wasn't so upset when the toilet paper showed the first signs of pink as my uterus began its contractions. I still get terrible cramps and have heavy periods, even at my age.


I used to work at an office full of women who knew my cycle and we would all hone into my symptoms excitedly and then I would tell them that I miscarried when I started my period. They would tell me how horrible it was......that I started my period AND that I was joking about it. Humor is what pulled me through and then we would all count on the next month as being THE month.


My dog used to have false pregnancies. After she was in heat, and about when she would be delivering, she turned into the demon dog knocking over lamps and acting crazy because she was trying so desperately to build a nest for her upcoming imaginary puppies. Thankfully, dogs don't go into heat every month, I think it is only a few times a year. Even so, I finally had to get her fixed because her false pregnancies got worse and worse with every cycle. My vet even offered a pet psychologist for her. Leave it to me to have a dog that needs therapy. The hysterectomy took care of her psychosis.

I am cursed with having false pregnancies for the past 40 months. I don't act a fool like my lovely Chelsea did but I can see how it could happen. I totally relate to her, getting excited about babies and then wanting to tear up the house.

If someone tells me a symptom, I get it. Shortness of breath? Tiredness? Twinges in the breast? Gingivitis? Bags under the eyes? Lower back pain? Discharge that is different? Veiny breasts? Nausea? Cravings? Emotional? ....... i could go on and on.


Because I have completely exhausted those around me with my hopes every month, may I indulge you here?

Grab a chair, let me tell you all about it! I ovulated exactly a week ago. I had beautiful mucous when my husband and I were on our mini vacation, the first day no less! Wouldn't that be a wonderful place to conceive!! I know exactly when I ovulate, I am so lucky that way! My uterus started twinging on or about day 5 post ovulation, about when my blastocyst would be nestling in (maybe even plural! blastocysts! twins do run in my family!). My breasts are sore and I do think that I have more veins than usual.


I have had a cold and have been very careful of the Theraflu - just in case! I am very cautious of my actions while I wait like this........I know, I know........after over 3 years of this two week wait, I should just let loose and not be so careful.........but........what if!!! What if it finally happens to me! This month! Right now! I won't know for sure until next week, so in the meantime, I will not take the Theraflu, or too many advils, or drink more wine than I should, I will also be careful of spending time in the jacuzzi, I will eat well and rest plenty. I will provide my embryo with the best possible chance........just in case. Sometimes at night, I even place my hands on my lower belly and imagine peace and glowing health and happiness and I even encourage our little embryo on its journey.....just in case.

When I talk like this, do you look away with knowing eyes? Do you not hold out hope for me either?

When I come here next Wednesday and tell you that my cramps have started, will you be surprised? Will you wonder why I am disappointed?

Will you wish I would just let you know if it ever happens and spare you all the dramatic details too?

I am on my fifth month of blogging and........well........I need to get a life. I am well aware of how easy it is to get wrapped up here in cyberspace.

This experience reminds me of when I was investing in the stock market (1999 and 2000) and I was spending a lot of time on the bulletin boards. I posted a lot and got quite attached to fellow investors. The shorts would come onto the scene and bash our beloved stock, not much different than the trolls or drunks here in blogland.

At least in the stock market, if I was doing well, so were my fellow investors. If everything was crashing, it crashed for all of us. We were all on the same rollercoaster, experiencing the same thing.

Here, I feel as if I am in an auditorium watching so many people graduate and although I clap and cheer and am genuinely happy for them, I am sad for me.

I am tired of clapping now.

Five months ago, I was in a room with women who were trying to get pregnant and now I am sitting around many empty chairs. It is even more painful to see those people who I just welcomed into the room get up so soon to put their cap and gown on.......excuse me if I move the empty chairs from around me. As a matter of fact, I think I might just take my fat ass to the back of the room and pout like a little baby, petulant one that I am.

Other things I feel but do not say:

Hmmmm........wow.........my uterus is cramping 5 days post ovulating and it may be a miracle embryo embedding in my loveliness. After all, I was attacked by a shark, no really......so the odds of me being pregnant must be just as likely. What is that? a twinge? in my breasts?


And another thing I should not say:

I don't know if I am really ready for IVF#3. It is like I am just getting better, I am progressing through the grieving process and I don't want to body slam myself again. I don't want to revisit that dark place of failure. It is impossible for me to go into all that IVF entails with an indifferent attitude. I must really believe it can work or I will never have the courage to try one more time ("no, seriously honey........just one more time....... I really mean it this time.......just one more time.......we are so close.........I just know it"). With that, comes such excitement and hope.........I hate to think of climbing through the ruins again.

I want things to be easier.



screeeeeeech........bump.......bump.....screech bump bump bump....screech.....

that is me dragging my chair on the floor

screeeeeeechhhhhhhhhhhh........clankity, clank clank.....screech.........

no, I will not pick it up

screeechhhhhhhhhh......bump.......bump........screech


Yes, excuse me while I go to the back of the room and pout.

1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?

IVF #1 and #2

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Last year it was the South Beach Diet and I kept it for about nine months - great fad diet and the longest I had ever stayed on a diet. No, I have not made any resolutions for the coming year - I need a new fad diet.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

No. Thank God.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. It was horrible and too difficult to talk about......still.


5. What countries did you visit?

Great Britain.........It was magnificent. I especially loved Oxford and Bath. I also went to Belize.

6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?

A baby, of course. Or at least a positive pregnancy test. At least a faint second line on a HPT.

7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

April 10th, when Mary died.


8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

aggressively trying to have a baby even though I failed miserably.


9. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I feel like I did. Does a heart injury count?

10. What was the best thing you bought?

Our jacuzzi and gazebo. I love getting naked out there and no one can see me. We still savor it.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Mary, on her death bed, dying suddenly and unexpectedly.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

My bosses wife who was incredibly insensitive and immature when my heart was crumbled to bits.

13. Where did most of your money go?

IVF #1 and IVF #2


14. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My ten excellent embryos on day 3 of IVF#2.

15. What song will always remind you of 2004?

"Yeah" by Usher.

16. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder?

sadder.

ii. thinner or fatter?

the same.


iii. richer or poorer?

Poorer.

17. What do you wish you'd done more of?

IVF's

18. What do you wish you'd done less of?

IVF's

20. How will you be spending or did spend New Year's?

Eating caviar and cream cheese on crackers with champagne with my husband.

21. Did you fall in love in 2004 ?

Yes, with my embryos who never made it and I am more in love with my husband.

22. How many one-night stands?

Clearly, this questionnaire is not usually given to married people. None, of course.

23. What was your favorite TV program?

Discovery HDTV, Survivor, Amazing Race and I also enjoyed The Apprentice #1.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

No. I am no longer friends with some people but I don't HATE them.

25. What was the best book you read?

I am not a book reader. I would rather live a book than read a book. My sister just sent me "Tear Soup" and that was a naive, sweet book about grieving.

26. What was your greatest musical (re)discovery?

I have a carry over from 2003 and that is Irish Folk music and dancing (clogging).

27. What did you want and get?

nothing. I have been consumed by wanting a child.

28. What did you want and not get?

Pregnant

29. What was your favorite film of this year?

I don't have one, I really want to see "Sideways" though.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

My best friend's husband sent us on a cruise to Belize. We both turned 41. She has two small children and needed a break and I was getting ready to start IVF#1.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

getting pregnant

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?

Bobbie Brown make-up.

33. What kept you sane?

I am not so sure I am sane.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Curt Schilling of the Boston Red Sox with his bloody ankle.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?

The hatred spewed to Bush voters by supposedly sympathetic Democrats.

36. Who did you miss?

My mother in South Carolina..........and my dog Chelsea in South Carolina........and my sisters in South Carolina....oh hell.....everyone in South Carolina.

37. Who was the best new person you met?

Roselyn, who just moved here from London.

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:

So many things are out of my control. I can want desperately, but that does not pull any weight to the universe.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"I would die for you"

40. Where do you want to be this time next year?

In my babies room rocking her/him to sleep.