I am very pleased to announce that TBW is NOT pregnant. Her beta was negative. Apparently she is okay with it and ready to begin IVF #2 ASAP. She will be in the office tomorrow and although many scenarios have filled my head, I will take the high road. I have been very affected by her passive aggressive maliciousness towards me and I needed some distance from the situation to try to sort it out.

I discovered that I am more upset with myself for standing silently while she carried on with her insensitive antics. I am mad at me. I am pissed at myself for not taking care of that little girl inside of me who was hurting so much.

She is The Bosses Wife and she abuses that "power". The truth of the matter is that I don't need to work there so she really has no power over me, not like if I was single and trying to make a mortgage payment.

The dilemma has been that I like to have my own money. My husband is as tight as a tic and I make good money. When we moved here 2 years ago, I left 6 (six!) dental offices before I found this one that I love. There are so many unethical dentists and I absolutely refuse to work for someone I wouldn't want working in my own mouth. I finally found a dentist with great professional ethics and values.

It is very important for me to get out amoung the living. I love my schedule, I work two days a week. Everything has been splendid until TBW graduated from dental hygiene school two months ago and is now working in the office of her husband. She even has the nerve to tell me what to do. That gets my gall. I have been a dental hygienist for 17 years, in much more prestigious offices than her husbands, and she has the absolute nerve to tell me what to do and how to do things. I am a snotty bitch deep inside and I have absolutely no regard for her but I am left to pretend.

I hate pretending.

I stand there smiling or staring at the floor as she spews ridiculous sentences from her mouth. She is evil with a big huge grin. I find myself at a loss.

I still don't know what I will say or do tomorrow when she comes into the office. If I were less than what I am, I would tell her to get another dog or any number of echoes of herself.

I do know that I could not have stood another day there if she had been pregnant. It would have been intolerable.

I cannot stand that woman but hating her only gives her power over me.

I will wish her well and probably ask that she not discuss IVF with me anymore, that it upsets me too much. I need to set the boundaries and protect myself from her. I want to be proud of the way I handle the situation and that is the struggle.

I am extremely pleased that her IVF did not work. Extremely pleased.

I feel a change in the air. A very good change. It seems that there has been so much bad news in blogland, but recently, there is good news around. Today is the first day that I have felt light. I feel hopeful again. I am ready for my next IVF. I am finally ready to start that ball rolling.

I do not want to have high hopes. I want to temper myself. It is so very difficult to go through everything that involves IVF and remain logical and distant. It is impossible. To do IVF, one must have unending hope.

I am trying to stay balanced while walking an IVF tightrope. I don't want to get hurt so that means I must not hope so much.

I am a hopeful girl.

Wow! Modern transportation! I find it awe inspiring that I can fly from coast to coast in half of a day. What a huge difference from one end of the United States to the other.

It was very nice to see my husband after almost two weeks. It looks like I may be ovulating in the next day so the timing is perfect. Oh Lordy, I have to laugh at myself for still trying naturally. I know I don't stand a chance in hell of getting pregnant the old fashioned way but I just can't bare to let an egg go unnoticed. I would be pissed if I were still in South Carolina and saw this lovely cervical mucus that teases me so.

Hell, I might even use the rest of my medrol and progesterone suppositories that are left over from my abominations of IVF's that I just finished, I mean really, what does it matter? Why should I take those medications for only IVF cycles when they are all equally useless. I might as well use them this month because IVF months are just as dismal.

None of my family discussed my unmentionable much while I was back home for Thanksgiving. I guess it dulls the mood in the room when I begin to talk about my empty nursery. Better to pretend all is well, I reckon.

I did get some cooking secrets from my awesome Aunt Chessie that I will share for anyone who is interested : Aunt Chessie's hints.

I am exhausted. I got up at 4:00 a.m. EST and I have been traveling most of the day. I have slept only 4 hours in the past two days. I have so much to catch up on in the blog world. I was in internet hell at my mother's house. I knew the internet would be slow, but I did not count on viruses (about:blank is a bitch) and blinding pop-ups.


I have realized a lot of things being away and gaining distance from my situation. I need to work on my attitude. I need to watch my language - I curse WAY too much. I need to exercise more. I need to seek friendships with women more my own age.

I wish I were still on vacation. I dread work tomorrow. TBW had her beta today and I cannot tell you how much I dread going into that office tomorrow. It will be very, very difficult to pretend all day that I am okay if she is pregnant. Ugghhhhhh.


I have tons to do and all I want to do is go to bed. I must temper the jet lag.

Take care.

So .........I'm off.

I'll be in the country with a very, very slow dial up internet connection so I am not going to be surfing much.

I'll be back in about ten days.

TBW had 14 eggs, 6 fertilized, they transferred what was left which was 4 eight celled embryos today. She will have her beta just before I get back in town. There is no way I can stay there if that....that....... there isn't even a word that I can fit in here to describe what I feel about her........ gets pregnant. I am going to have a very, very difficult time if she gets a positive, I am going to be delighted if it is negative. I may wish I never stayed there long enough to find out.



Tomorrow is another day.

Oh my fucking goodness gracious! I am sitting here with the television on, catching up on blogs and I just saw Fritz Hollings (D) from South Carolina who gave his farewell speech to the Senate, and I kid you not, I am sitting here with my hands on my wide open mouth and half embarrassed to be a southerner. Fritz could be a democrat or a republican but first and foremost, he is a southern man and he made a caricature out of himself.


Unfortunately, I cannot find a transcript of his speech which is probably a good thing. Southerners go on and on and on .......... so it is best that you see the news clips, and commentaries:


WASHINGTON (AP) - Sen. Fritz Hollings, one of the last of the larger-than-life Democrats who once dominated politics in the South, delivered his final Senate speech Tuesday and chided his colleagues as he has for 38 years for their spending and free-trade policies.

"I know that we can do better," said Hollings, 82, closing a political career that spanned more than half a century as a state legislator, governor and senator from South Carolina.

In a rambling, irreverent speech - a Hollings trademark - he rapped Republicans for driving up federal deficits with tax cuts, expressed outrage at the failure to reform Social Security and complained that Washington was giving away jobs, including South Carolina textile jobs, with free trade policies.

He lamented that lawmakers today must spend much of their time raising money for the next election. "The main culprit, the cancer on the body politic, is money," the tall, white-haired lawmaker said in his deep, southern drawl. "We don't have time for each other, we don't have time for constituents except for the givers. ... We're in real, real trouble."

But Hollings, who will be succeeded by Republican Rep. Jim DeMint, also praised his colleagues.

"I don't leave with the idea that the Senate is not what it used to be... We've got a way better group of senators," he said, recalling that when he arrived in Washington in 1966, "We had five drunks or six drunks."

He said now, "We don't have time to be drunks."

Hollings noted that there was only one woman, Margaret Chase Smith, R-Maine, in his first years in the Senate, and that she was "outstandingly quiet."

"Now we've got 15 or 17 and you can't shut them up," he joked. There are 14 women senators.
Hollings graduated from The Citadel, served in combat in World War II, earned a law degree and entered the state Legislature in 1948. He was elected governor in 1958 and is credited with leading his state peacefully into the age of integration.

He ran unsuccessfully for president in 1984 and has the distinction of being the longest-serving junior senator in history. He finally became his state's senior senator last year when the late Strom Thurmond retired at age 100.

Sen. Lindsey Graham, R-S.C., who succeeded Thurmond, said Hollings' time in the Senate "will be felt by South Carolinians as long as there is a South Carolina. You have made our state a better state to live."

Hollings in turn said he was ceding his Senate chamber desk, once used by South Carolina's John Calhoun, to Graham, his 49-year-old colleague.

Hollings, who cast more than 14,000 votes in his career, has a long record of legislative achievements, most notably the 1985 Graham-Rudman-Hollings act that reined in deficit spending.

Among the acts he sponsored were those initiating the Women, Infants and Children (WIC) program and Corporate Average Fuel Economy (CAFE) standards. He helped found the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration and wrote the National Coastal Zone Management Act.

Recently, as top Democrat on the Commerce Committee, he has been involved in telecommunications issues such as increasing competition between long-distance carriers, and security issues. He was a sponsor of the Aviation Security Act after the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks and has been a leader in pushing for better port security.


Two more renditions:
The State newspaper

Paul Greenberg




I am currently mulling over my heritage and this speech has hit a nerve with me. Southern men are so hard to explain. Southern men, I think, have the most power of any culture in America. I have experienced and witnessed their power. While watching Mr. Hollings speak, I immediately felt inferior. I can't even, with good consciousness, call him Fritz. He is an elder and a man and I must call him "Mister Hollings" and heaven forbid I don't say "sir" in regard to him. I don't guess it ever leaves you when you were raised to be so submissive to the southern man's voice. Perhaps that is why I married a man with a Boston accent, so I don't have those bad memories.



This is not a political blog or a southerner hating blog but please endure me this moment.



In 48 hours, I will be at my mother's house 3,000 miles away and I am very excited. I will be in the country in the deep south.

"Yes ma'am"

"No ma'am"

"Yes sir"

"No sir"

just practicing.............over and over again.

Okay. Admittedly..........I should not be posting right now.

My lovely husband and I have just returned from a magnificent wine event that started this afternoon and I may have had too many tastings. I know I had too many appetizers but I never seem to be able to admit when I have had too much wine. I sooooo needed a magnificent day like today. The weather was beautiful and the company was fantastic...........I can't even begin to tell you how magnificent the surroundings were.............I would link the winery's website but that would out me, so... I must resist. Suffice is to say, they have a wonderful area for social functions.......lavender imported from France and a lake with two mating swans to boot. I am as full as a tic. The food was incredible.

I got home about two hours ago and after catching up on some blogs and adding to my new one, I became possessed to post again here.

The internet if full of millions and millions of people. With those millions of people, comes infidels. Thousands upon thousands of infidels. It is so hard to remain unblemished in this blog world.

It is difficult to remain vulnerable and honest. The easy thing is to put on a happy, amazing, brave face. THAT is what is easy. To make oneself vulnerable and to continue to do so, in spite of comments from morons of the universe, is amazingly brave.

FUCK THE TROLLS.

That is what I say. FUCK THE TROLLS.

If I ask for advise, I will be very clear. If I don't ask for advise, then don't bother.

I am guilty of giving assvice on some blogs. I hope that the recipients found the humor and love somewhere deep down inside of my stupid meaning.

After reading some of my favorite blogs, I became inspired to write this post tonight.

I HATE THE BOSSES WIFE.

I ABHOR HER.

She has been stimming for a couple of weeks and her tentative retrieval date is tomorrow morning. I should not tell you how I wish for that bitch to have a failed IVF. I should never really type that or really mean it like I do.

Anyone who has read my blog recently knows my history. I have had two back-to-back failed IVF's that have almost destroyed the thought of me ever having a gut belly laugh again as long as I live. I have not laughed really hard in the past several months since my heart has been so incredibly broken.

TBW (The Bosses Wife) still laughs shallowly and stupidly when she talks to me about her fear of her first IVF and she chuckles while she tells me she is so scared of it really succeeding because she tells me every Tuesday and Wednesday that I work in her husband's office, that she really doesn't want a baby.

If I had a voodoo doll, I would stick pins in her groin. I REALLY WOULD.

That fucking bitch is going to get pregnant with her first and irritating IVF and she will probably have boy/girl twins.

Last week this is what The Bosses Wife said:

"I have five follicles on my right side and six on my left but I am a "late bloomer" they said...........so I have had to double my medications but the great news is my doctor said that I have a 75% chance of this working! Isn't that wonderful!"

"I don't know if Dr. Boss can take off work when they transfer the babies to me and when I told my RE doctor that I could come alone, he said "what are you going to tell your twins when they ask where their father was when they were given life" and TBW laughed so much between every word when she told me what she told her doctor..........: "I will tell my twins that they have two fathers, the doctor who transplanted them and their real father who had to work.........hahhahahaahahahahahahahahhahaa"

"Julianna, since you don't work on Fridays, do you want to come to my appointment with me to see how big my follicles have gotten? You can come for the retrieval too if you want to."


This will be a great week to leave. TBW will not be able to work Tuesday and Wednesday so I will not be subjected to her crap.

How can TBW's doctor really tell her that her chances of success are so huge right now? She has eleven follicles, she is a late bloomer and she is having to double her stim meds? How can her doctor be so incredibly positive?

More than anything, I cannot understand how anyone can be so insensitive that they would say so much to me........someone who is honest and clear about her pain.

I can only surmise that TBW is a cunt.

When I get to the low country of South Carolina, I am going to seek out the voodoo princess who was featured in "Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil" and I will pay her whatever she wishes to place a magnificent hex on my bosses wife.


I will be so incredibly happy if that bitch doesn't get pregnant.


I will be so incredibly PISSED OFF AT THE WORLD if that bitch has a positive beta in two weeks.





A note about my new blog. I wanted to document a separate, less infertile account of my journey south. It is a very raw account of personal experiences and is written for me to deal with some life experiences. Infertility is very much there, but it is not the center of my angst, so I decided to blog about it separately. I may be venting a lot over there but I will surely be back here in two weeks.


Another note to my hateful troll: unlucky for you, my husband used to be involved with an internet security company and although he is not interested in my blog, he did come here to find out a lot about you. Even though I deleted your latest comments, I have them copied. When you wished for my plane to crash and my dog to die...........well............you kind of went a bit far. My husband has found out a lot about you and if you post one more time you will be hearing from us/him. Take my advise........listen to me clearly..........KNOCK IT OFF.



there............



very good..................................




time for night night.

A week from today, I will be in my home country. South Carolina is as far removed as another country can be. I love California and I love South Carolina. I can't wait to see my family. I miss them so very much. My mother, my sisters, my nephew but almost most importantly, my dog. When I met M. and he told me he was allergic to dogs I consulted my sister who is a NP in an allergy specialists office. She confirmed that even though my baby is marketed as a dog to get if you have pet allergies, no animal is allergy free. M. could be on allergy medications but after 2 weeks he gets very bad headaches and he couldn't live on them (we were thinking positively that our new relationship would prosper). I spent three days deciding what to do. M. was on the fence and my Chelsea Belle almost won. I could not imagine giving her up. That dog always adored my mother. So much so, that when we would go there to visit, Chelsea Belle would sigh and roll her eyes when it was time for us to leave. The transition was very easy for them, I was a wreck for the first few weeks I was with M. in Malibu.



Chelsea Belle 




I had Chelsea for 8 years and now she is almost 12. Her nose is no longer black but everything else about her is just as beautiful as when she was 1 year old. We had so many routines. She loved to pull on my hair scrunchies when I first walked in the door. It was her way of greeting me, our little game. Now when I pack, I always make sure I have a scrunchie so that I can put it in my hair just before I walk in the door. Chelsea still does what she did when she lived with me. I know she knows me. She just doesn't miss me. I play little baby games with her - "round and round the garden, goes a teddy bear, one step......two steps........get her right there right there" as I tickle her belly and she begs for more. She still remembers her puppy school hand signals. I can't wait to see her.

What I miss about South Carolina:

:: Sweet Tea
:: Moss on the oak trees
:: Humidity
:: Grits
:: Fishing at the lake
:: Manners
:: Dressing up to go to the mall
:: Hash and Rice
:: Sunday dinner
:: Spending a day on the boat
:: Hearing shag music
:: Country Ham and Bacon
:: Family reunions
:: Thunder storms
:: State Fair

There are so many other things I miss. It is very different there. Women care about how they look. They would never leave the house in sweats and a t-shirt. Children are respectful. I still say "yes ma'am", "no ma'am", "yes sir", "no sir" to people older than me when I go back. The men are chivalrous and polite. The pace is slow and relaxed.

I am in 1 ww. I will count down the days. Then, after I am there for 10 days, I will think how much I miss California and all it has to offer.

My sisters will get a poncho. I found a better, easier pattern and it will fit them unlike the other one fit for the statue of liberty. I also have made two scarves so far. I have a sore spot on my right palm from my crochet hook. The yarn is magnificent - almost like angora.

I miss my family. I can't wait to see them. I can't wait to go home.

I spoke with a psychologist once about relationships and meeting people in various ways. Here is what I learned:

During a certain period in my life I decided to let friends set me up on blind dates. After spending wonderful hours on the phone and getting very excited about Mr. SoPerfectForMe, I was always stunned with disappointment when I actually sat with the man in person on our date.

I was starting to question myself and my instincts. How could I be so interested and involved on the phone to only have it fizzle when I saw them. I never, ever had a good blind date. The worst part was telling friends why I didn't like their other wonderful friend who I was to have so much in common with.

This psychologist told me that when you meet someone face to face, you can't project what you want onto that person like you can on the telephone. Face to face, you pick up on body language, eye contact and gestures. On the phone, it is only speech tones and inclinations. I could project more wonderful qualities I wanted in a man on them when I was on the phone.

This psychologist even went on to say that people meeting on the internet are even further removed. You can project many more things onto the typed words of people online.

Projecting can be good or bad.

If I went to a website about how to be a good salesperson, I will probably project my dislike for pushy sales people onto any brilliant advise and it is doubtful that anyone on that website will say anything that makes me think highly of them.

On the other hand, if I went to a website about how to be a volunteer for let's say......Meals On Wheels, I'd be more impressed with what those people had to say only because I am already projecting good things onto the volunteers and project.

At first, going to infertility blogs, I really liked everybody. Even if they had drastically opposing views, I still really liked them in spite of differences in lifestyle or whatever. As you go through the process, you get attracted to some blogs more than others.

There are so many blogs and it is impossible to read all of them regularly. The natural progression is to go to the ones you are attracted to for whatever reasons. So, my projections on others, made me pick my "favorites list".

If I am face to face with someone and we are disagreeing, I am more apt to be more civil. If I am on the phone with someone, I am more apt to get a little bit more harsh and if I am upset online and typing, then it can be even more raw. I assume this is the same for just about everyone.

Personally, I only want to read infertility blogs, not religious or political blogs. Things change, people change, blogs change.

I think it is prudent of me to always remember the projections that I am extending and also the projections that I am receiving.

It is more prudent of me to remember that emotions are more volatile online. What can't be said in person is ranted easily here on the internet.


I don't have much to say about my infertility lately other than it is still here. I finally ovulated about 10 days late and timed intercourse and feel rather silly. I'm glad I am taking a break from IVF for a few months. I need to rest. I am tired.

I have spent a little over 3 months in this infertility blog society and I said so many times "I have finally found a community to which I belong" and I have received amazing support and information here.

I imagine us in a huge banquet room with round cloth covered tables and a podium in the front of this room. When you walk in, it is filled with the sounds of chatter and laughter. There are the usual high school lunchroom type dynamics going on but if one woman in that room is hurting, everyone surrounds her and protects her from the world. We are a support group for the infertile. There is a television monitor for the lurkers to watch who do not want to participate. The lurkers get so much from our room as well. Some women get up on that podium and read their ready for publication brilliant entries and others, like me, read their journal type emotional day to day tribulations.

Bits and pieces are taken from everyone and the purpose for me being in that room is to deal with this nightmare I find myself living in. Unfortunately, it is a true story and personally for me, I am trying to deal with the pain of never having my own child.

Maybe the purpose of me finding this room was to be held up by everyone when I was all alone the week I found out my second IVF failed. My eyes still begin to well up when I think of the love and kindness I got from the women in this room. It was honestly the only thing that helped me. Thank you, thank you, thank you for surrounding me then.

I don't have a blogroll. Milenka and Julie have the most amazing blogrolls and although I tried to copy and paste my personal blogroll about 8 times in my blog template, it never showed up on my main page. I soon gave up and realized it was for the best because my personal list changes weekly. I wouldn't want to hurt someone's feelings by not having them on my special list and I would also find it hard to remove someone publicly. I know I wouldn't update it like I should so that is yet another reason why it is good that I have no favorites list on my blog.

If I did have a blogroll, I would be crossing off a lot of people right now.

This room has turned into a political room. The women now get on their podiums and preach to the masses about how terrible everything is but not only that, they get up there and insult those of us who didn't think the way they thought. They spew insults at people who voted for someone other than their candidate.

I have zero tolerance for the far right and the far left. I keep my political views to myself because I am so incredibly humbled by the fact that my way is not the only or the right way.

I know a pea size amount about politics and government. I am intelligent and well informed enough to make a judgment but hardly informed enough to make judgments on everyone who doesn't see the world my way.

I would post links to the insulting blogs but it would take me forever and I would be pissed when I realized the people I left off. Anyone who is here in this room or watching has seen the change.

It is not the politics or discussions of differences - IT IS THE BLATANT, ARROGANT INSULTS SPEWN AT THE PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR BUSH. This is not because someone doesn't like Bush, it is because they took it to a whole other level.

I have a very close relative who has been active in politics for 40 plus years. He is now one of the most senior members of the House Of Representatives and he is a Democrat I might add. I have seen the hours, weeks, weekends, holidays spent trying to make this country a better place and this is just one little person in politics. I cannot imagine the logistics of the complications of an entire government. My uncle is even humbled by the process.

So how can so many women sit on their little chair at their little computer in their little house in their city wherever they are in this great, vast world and be so arrogant and insulting. Go out and make a difference if you are that passionate or go find your Paradise Island somewhere. This is a huge, magnificent world that has so much to offer. I would bet that most of the very angry people would find their ick follows them wherever they go and they would probably be ready to leave their little Paradise Island after a few years of living there.

I have heard for 20 plus years about back alley abortions and the doom and gloom and the sky is falling. I will eat my hat if abortions are illegal in this country again. Bush has been in office for 4 years and the sky has not fallen.

There are extremists. Extreme Republicans who ignite this hatred in the extreme lefties.

This is the internet. It is your own blog. It is a free society.

I was never involved in politics in real life and certainly not online. The passions that people have can get a bit out of control.

I no longer like being in this room. I could slip out the back door or I can stand up here on my podium and yell.

I miss the old room.

I damn sure am not going to stand up on that podium and be vulnerable and show my pain to a room full of women who have insulted me.

It must be amazing to truly be that arrogant that your way is the only way. It must be wonderful.

I am leaving.

I have no time to spell check or re read this so excuse the rambling and errors.

A quick note to getupgrrl. THANK YOU. It is because of you that most of us are in this room. I don't want to say that someone deserves something more than someone else but you so deserve for this next cycle to work. My thoughts and prayers are with you and I am so very hopeful for you.

To the other wonderful women - I LOVE YOU. Hang in there. You are amazing.

Thank you for everything.

I was going to write my weekly update on The Bosses Wife (TBW) ridiculous statements of the week - OHHHHHHHHh - what the hell. I'll be quick. To refresh: TBW is the only woman on the planet who is doing IVF#1 and she doesn't want to have a baby. She started her injections on Monday. Said by TBW this week:
TBW: "Julianna, I am so scared."
Me: "What are you scared of?"
TBW: "I am scared that I am going to get pregnant and I like my life the way it is"
Me: "Well, I'm scared you'll get pregnant too then."

NEXT
TBW: "Julianna, I have my two dogs in my car today. I want you to come see them"
Me: going reluctantly to her car to see her dogs
TBW: "Which one do you want to take home? It will make you feel better."
Me: "I wish it was as simple as getting a dog"

NEXT
TBW: "Look at these pants, they are extra small and look how much they are bagging on me. Do you think I'll get bigger the more I do injections?"
Me: "Get out of my fucking room you fucking cunt" okay.......that is a lie.....I didn't say that, I just thought it.

NEXT
TBW: "I am doing IVF and I don't want it to work" to every Tom, Dick and Harry who happens to have a conversation with her.


I am so out the door of that place if that woman gets pregnant. Actually, I have one foot out the door already.

Between her and Star Jones, I will vomit if either of them get pregnant. Star was getting pregnancy advise on her show today because she wants to get pregnant ASAP. The gall to announce something like that on TV and at her age. I want her to publicly suffer from infertility and I wish upon her many failed IVFs.

I know..........I'm going to hell.


Now, for what happened this afternoon.

I had one of those stone massages. It was an hour and a half of pure delight. The massage therapist was very zen-like and healing.

I was on the verge of sleeping but I didn't want to miss the bliss.

As I was leaving, she told me to be kind to myself. She said that so many women are too difficult on themselves.

I was waiting to hear how I need to relax etc. etc....etc......

But she went on to say that I needed to be kind to my body. She said that many women punish their bodies for failing them. She said that my body has done amazing things and to be kind to it.

I have been cracking a whip on my body and then punishing it after working so hard. I need to be kinder to myself. I need to nurture that little girl's body inside of me. I need to be kinder to her.

I need to practice random acts of kindness on myself.

I want a baby.

I am getting older.

I am very, incredibly bummed lately about being 41. It has happened so fast. It has stumbled upon me.

I am very clearly aware that I may never have my own child and the thought of that crumbles the deepest part of me.

Everyone who has just turned 40 or 41 says "but I don't feel that old" and I may also add, I don't look that old. I am incredibly vain. A secret is that I have had botox twice. I love botox. In high school, I used to get kidded about my forehead lines when I raised my eyebrows. After botox, I have a forehead a mosquito would slide off of. I actually stopped doing botox when I was going to do IVF. I mean really, what if it makes a difference.

I will blog in the future about all of the fucking things I have changed because what if it makes a difference. MALNOURISHED CRACK WHORES HAVE BABIES - IT IS NOT ANYTHING THAT I AM DOING THAT HAS CAUSED MY EGGS TO REBEL. That is another fucking thing, I don't want it to be my fault. I don't want all of this to be because of me. There is not a single fucking test that has shown that it is my fault and yet I can only blame myself. That is all that is left - it must be me. I am 41.

FUCK MY FSH for being 3.4 (WAY TOO EXCELLENT FOR MY AGE) - FUCK ALL THE TESTS THAT SHOW I AM SO ABOVE NORMAL. FUCK ME FOR HAVING 17 GODDAMN EGGS AND 14 FERTILIZE. FUCK ME HARD IN THE ASS THIS TIME BECAUSE 10 EIGHT CELLED EMBRYOS LOOKED SO GOOD ON DAY 3 THAT THEY TOOK THEM TO BLASTOCYSTS. FUCK ME UNCONSCIOUS WHEN THEY PUT 4 BLASTOCYSTS IN MY UTERUS ON DAY 5.

So, now my botox has worn off. It has been about 6 months and I am back to my lined forehead. I liked it much better smooth.

So my pooch belly and my lined forehead and my useless ovaries have taken their toll on me.

I am tired.

I am so very tired of hoping.

I am tired of having my heart broken.

I am tired of crying.

I am so very tired of crying for the loss of my hopes of a baby in my future.

The biological clock has just slammed into me like a semi truck. I am sad I am 41. I am sad I am 41 and have never had any hope of a pregnancy.

Reality is hitting me.

It doesn't look good.

I am Pollyanna-grab-yourself-by-the-bootstraps incarnate so I'm sure I'll fool myself into thinking that my little baby is just around the corner.

I am not tired of trying. I am not even out of breath from trying. I want it that badly. Since I was 37 - that is how many months I have tried. What if after all this time, I am almost there. If IVF#3 is it, then I will boast that I knew I was just around the corner.

I guess when I am tired of trying is when I will give up. I may die trying.