MyEggsAreCooked: For The Death Of Me

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

For The Death Of Me

I want a baby.

I am getting older.

I am very, incredibly bummed lately about being 41. It has happened so fast. It has stumbled upon me.

I am very clearly aware that I may never have my own child and the thought of that crumbles the deepest part of me.

Everyone who has just turned 40 or 41 says "but I don't feel that old" and I may also add, I don't look that old. I am incredibly vain. A secret is that I have had botox twice. I love botox. In high school, I used to get kidded about my forehead lines when I raised my eyebrows. After botox, I have a forehead a mosquito would slide off of. I actually stopped doing botox when I was going to do IVF. I mean really, what if it makes a difference.

I will blog in the future about all of the fucking things I have changed because what if it makes a difference. MALNOURISHED CRACK WHORES HAVE BABIES - IT IS NOT ANYTHING THAT I AM DOING THAT HAS CAUSED MY EGGS TO REBEL. That is another fucking thing, I don't want it to be my fault. I don't want all of this to be because of me. There is not a single fucking test that has shown that it is my fault and yet I can only blame myself. That is all that is left - it must be me. I am 41.

FUCK MY FSH for being 3.4 (WAY TOO EXCELLENT FOR MY AGE) - FUCK ALL THE TESTS THAT SHOW I AM SO ABOVE NORMAL. FUCK ME FOR HAVING 17 GODDAMN EGGS AND 14 FERTILIZE. FUCK ME HARD IN THE ASS THIS TIME BECAUSE 10 EIGHT CELLED EMBRYOS LOOKED SO GOOD ON DAY 3 THAT THEY TOOK THEM TO BLASTOCYSTS. FUCK ME UNCONSCIOUS WHEN THEY PUT 4 BLASTOCYSTS IN MY UTERUS ON DAY 5.

So, now my botox has worn off. It has been about 6 months and I am back to my lined forehead. I liked it much better smooth.

So my pooch belly and my lined forehead and my useless ovaries have taken their toll on me.

I am tired.

I am so very tired of hoping.

I am tired of having my heart broken.

I am tired of crying.

I am so very tired of crying for the loss of my hopes of a baby in my future.

The biological clock has just slammed into me like a semi truck. I am sad I am 41. I am sad I am 41 and have never had any hope of a pregnancy.

Reality is hitting me.

It doesn't look good.

I am Pollyanna-grab-yourself-by-the-bootstraps incarnate so I'm sure I'll fool myself into thinking that my little baby is just around the corner.

I am not tired of trying. I am not even out of breath from trying. I want it that badly. Since I was 37 - that is how many months I have tried. What if after all this time, I am almost there. If IVF#3 is it, then I will boast that I knew I was just around the corner.

I guess when I am tired of trying is when I will give up. I may die trying.

posted by Julianna · 11/02/2004

10 Comments:

At 2:32 AM,

ankaisa said...
The worst thing about all this is the not knowing part. It is not an exact science by a long shot! So you just might have had bad luck so far. Then again there just might be something that keeps you from getting pg. You never know. That's why it is so tempting to keep trying. Hell, that's why I keep trying. One day everything has to click! Or I'll die trying, too.

At 12:16 PM,

Anonymous said...
Julianna,

I so know how you feel. I've been trying since I was 37 too. Except for me, I don't have FSH as excellent at you do (My inhibin B though is 148 and something even a 25 year old would kill for, but alas, wasn't enough), so it limited my choices. Most months I am incredibly frustrated at knowing we 'time' things right and I always have a classic bi-phasic chart and nothing. Absolutely nothing. I wish I knew why. It's so unfair and it makes me want to scream.

Thinking of you.

xxxooo,
Emily
scrambledeggs

At 1:26 PM,

Lori said...
I'm 41 and also look younger than my age. I hate it, hate it, hate it, when asshats say "Oh you're still young!" when I respond that I don't have kids yet or that we've been trying (for 7 years!). I usually say "oh, not THAT young" or give in and whisper my age, to which they reply with raised eyebrows or a nice comment that I don't look it.

The monthly dye job may cover my gray but alas, my eggs and FSH apparently do reflect my age.

At 8:51 AM,

Anonymous said...
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT.

April

At 12:00 PM,

Anonymous said...
You have got one set of titanium balls there. I don't agree with your politics but I admire your hutzpah. I also find you to be very likable in spite of not wanting to like you.

Signed,
A troll for you

At 4:41 PM,

Miss X said...
I am so sorry Juliana. Life just absolutely bites a huge chunk of the time. It is so unfair. You have been such an encouragement to me and I know you deserve this so much.
Tons of prayers and blessings to you.

At 5:55 PM,

Anonymous said...
Julia-

If you would fuck my cock, I could score one baby for you! I'm the most fertile stud I've ever seen, have gotten a few women pregnant, even my neighbor who thought she was infertile as well.

My swimmers are highly effective.

At 6:20 PM,

Julianna said...
Hi Anon.

WOW! You are so romantic.

First: get the name straight......Jules could be okay .........it could kill a lot of the "J" names with one stone - just for future reference.

I have no doubt that your cock gets ridden well and often.

Congratulations on your neighbors pregnancy. That is wonderful.

Thank you for your kind and generous offer but I don't think my problem is the swimmers as my husband has olympic medal swimmer contestants waiting anxiously in his swollen testicles.

I did get my positive OPK today, about 8 days late, so I will be riding my husbands cock tonight, not that he knows it yet - poor fella. It really is humorous that I am still trying. Don't you find that funny? That I won't just let an egg go? It is really very, very funny.

At 6:52 PM,

Anonymous said...
Anonymous, you are really a sad fuck. Do you kick puppies too?

FUCK OFF.

April

At 9:00 PM,

suzinalexa said...
Hi - I just found your blog from Cecily's. I liked the comment you made on the whole Holly thing. And I wanted to say that I am in the same boat as you are...I posted about it too over at my blog http://www.post-coitalbabble.blogspot.com/. We have to stick together here - it's a different place to be than the other infertiles, no? An entirely different set of rules it seems at times. But hang in there....