May I introduce you to my children?

This is Anna and over here is Patrick.

They are the loves of my life and have fulfilled me in every way imaginable. I am so very proud of them and my heart skips a beat every morning when I see their sleepy little eyes.

Anna is full of piss and vinegar. When I let her play with my lipstick, she is enthralled with the image of herself in the lighted make up mirror. She insists on wearing dressses everywhere, even the playground. The world can be amazing and devastating to her in a matter of minutes. If her little bucket sand castle gets demolished by the upcoming tide, she is completely distraught for 30 minutes. If a butterfly lands on her little flower patterned dress, she is completely ecstatic and a glow actually surrounds her. The world is either crumbling or amazing in her little life. I have to comfort her and help her through the rough times and I can sit back and enjoy when she is going through her amazed times. She loves dolls and babies and is extremely needy and affectionate. She is very sensitive. A stern look is enough to make her bottom lip tremble when she has done something wrong. She loves her daddy and dances and jumps when she hears the garage door open every evening when he comes home from work. Anna greets her father with twinkling eyes and big hugs and kisses and tells him how much she loves him. She is a daddy's girl. M. adores his little girl and his day is never better than when he comes home and sees her adoration.

Patrick is a handful. He is very smart and quiet and intense. He is very hard on himself and extremely impatient. He plays games or tries puzzles and gets incredibly annoyed and frustrated if he doesn't solve it after only a few attempts. I have to show him patience. I have to be tender and loving and make things more fun for him. He is extremely bright and sensitive. He can throw toys and stomp around when he is upset. He is petulant. When he loves a toy or game, he is completely oblivious to his surroundings. I love watching him so intensely happy with his solidarity. When he hears the garage door signaling his father's arrival, Patrick is annoyed that he has to stop doing what he is doing. I have to make him go to the door to greet his father. He politely greets his father but then wants to go back to his activity. M. gets into his comfortable clothes and then sits with little Patrick and involves himself with whatever activity Patrick is participating in.

Anna hates to go to sleep at night. She would love to stay up until midnight and fall asleep wherever she is when the tiredness overcomes her. She is just as happy on the floor, on the sofa or in a car as she is in her beautiful bed. She likes the night and likes to be awake. Anna despises being awakened. I let her sleep as late as she pleases for now because she will have many, many years of early rises.

Patrick lets me know when he is tired and is ready for bed. He likes to go to bed sleepy and then falls asleep silently after about 20 minutes. Patrick is an early riser and is very happy in the mornings. He wants his breakfast and he likes his routines. Patrick can't wait for kindergarten.

So, these are my children that I am so eager to find. It doesn't matter if Anna actually becomes an athletic lesbian activist or if Patrick is a hyperactive child with learning disabilities. I will love them all the same and I promise to be thankful every single day of their existence.

I cannot give up on them. I cannot quit yet. As long as I have blood running through my veins, I will continue on the quest.

This is my family that I am so desperately struggling to have.

This is why I can't give up.

This is why we do what we do.