Sometimes I just wonder.

I must start off by saying that I can say without a doubt, I am not crazy. After many years of therapy and thousands of dollars in said therapy, I can honestly say that I am normal and healthy. Admittedly, I have not sought therapy in the past 4 years so it is possible that things have changed.

I am neurotic. Confirmed neurotic.

I have found that I don't do well when the seasons change. Fall has always been the worst for me. The days are different and the nights are longer. I am always in a bit of a funk at the start of Fall.

I am a bit melancholy. Not really depressed and crying a lot but just melancholy. The opposite of this feeling is when Spring arrives. I am filled with hope and anticipation. Now is not the time for me to make major decisions.

I am very sensitive. Too sensitive.

I have trouble with the Fall Season. I can tell it is about to happen about a week before the actual conversion. I get a sense of dread. I am gloomy and in a funk. I get more into my funk as the change occurs. For me, Fall is ugly. Fall is not when the leaves turn pretty, it is when they die. I usually get a cold or flu about now just to make my entire body feel what my psyche feels.

I hate Halloween. It is dark and depressing and dreary. This is not a happy time for me - ever.

The plus side to my season sensitivity is that I LOVE the Spring. I am so happy inside and eager when Spring arrives.

I have to take the good with the bad, the up and the down swing.

So, I know this. I GET IT. I am neurotic and this is a crummy time for me usually.

I lay low. I know that now is not the time to make big decisions and I try to settle into the funk as much as possible.

I can write this, I can tell myself this, I can know this but it is still funky here.

I want to quit my job. I know I should lay low but I can't stand my job anymore.

The reason I hate my job is the boss' wife (TBW) has started working there. She is the one who is the only woman on the planet who is doing IVF#1 and she doesn't even want kids. So, this morning, she comes into my room and is telling me about this woman she saw this weekend and she couldn't stand it and she was so scared and she was going to call me this weekend because THE WOMAN WAS PREGNANT and looked so uncomfortable and TBW said she doesn't want to get ugly like that and she won't be able to walk and she was telling her hubby (Bossman to me) that she can't go through with it.

She said about 10 other stupid things throughout the day and then topped it off with a doozy as I was leaving this evening: She said "I'm only having this baby for you and Bossman so both of you can have a baby to play with"

Just so I know it was ridiculous, let me write it again: She said "I'm only having this baby for you and Bossman so both of you can have a baby to play with"

I don't even know this woman. She started working there just several weeks ago. She knows EVERYTHING about what has happened to me.

Honest to goodness. I didn't even know what to say or do or think. Here I am feeling all gloomy in this Fall funk and then I am trying to register this crap out of this woman's mouth.

Am I really here? I could be dead. I could be dreaming.


Sometimes, I just want to call myself and see if I am here.