MyEggsAreCooked: Picking Up The Pieces Of Me

Friday, October 22, 2004

Picking Up The Pieces Of Me

From Anna's Garden

What a difference a week makes. Just a week ago, I said that there was not enough glue in the world to put the pieces of me back together again and I am now mostly pasted together.

I still find a piece here and there that I need to put back, but I'm coming around.

Having a goal helps tremendously. I am thinking of IVF#3 and what that might mean. At least I can think of something that gives me hope.

I have not talked to M. about it again since he brought it up last weekend. It is not time. I am not ready.

I have been wrapped up in my own little ovary world since June. I have spent this summer stimming and waiting and praying and hoping. I have had my heart ripped to shreds.

My body has produced over 2 years worth of eggs in the past several months. It has done me proud. It was not without a price however.

I am having a hard time accepting the fact that it all failed. $33,000 and countless hours of doctor's appointments and traveling to and fro and the toll on my body and a summer of my life dedicated to the aggressive treatment to no avail.

I am usually very lucky. I work very hard for something I want and I usually get it. I am very blessed that way. Sometimes, it is interesting to see people like me fall on my face, to see me fail. Homecoming Queen has shit summer of 2004.

My girlfriend asked me a great question. "If you could give up everything you have, your loving husband, your beautiful home, living in wine country with all of your social activities or still being single and having a baby, what would you choose?"

Without a doubt, I'd rather be me, right here. But I want it all. Waaaa waaa waaaa.

Part of my life luck is that I look on the bright side of things. I make myself be grateful and I try not to be a victim so it gives the false impression that everything in my life is wonderful.

So, here I begin my journey of getting back into the world. I am going to sign up for yoga classes this afternoon. I used to do yoga 4 - 5 times a week until we moved here but now there is a new yoga studio so I will go sign up. Yoga did not help me get pregnant my first year and a half of marriage when I wasn't stressed so I am not thinking that it will be the magic bullet that pushes me to pregnancy.

I am thinking of acupuncture. I used to have a great acupuncturist in L.A., but the man I want to see here is an hour away and I don't really know that I am up to committing to the many appointments and commute hours. I am tired of commuting and appointments. What if acupuncture is the magic bullet? Oh well.

All these magic bullets just piss me off when everything fails. It is just fuel for my bitter, angry fire.

That is also why I need a break. I am pissed that I did everything right. I could have made more plans, gone to more parties, played golf more but the worst is not wanting to make plans because of IVF. I can't plan trips or make future commitments. That is what pisses me off later. Everything that I stopped in my life, put on pause for nothing. It completely sucks.

Just last week, I didn't want to make holiday plans. I will not fly when I am pregnant. I just think what flying does to my ears, I don't want to do anything to the baby. So, now I can make my holiday plans. We are going to South Carolina for Thanksgiving and Boston for Christmas. It feels good to be free to plan.

I would love for IVF#3 to begin in December. By that, I mean I want to start taking the BCP's in December so when I get back, I will be ready to start stimming again.

I may be jumping the gun because M. and I have not even made a follow up appointment with Dr. Beautiful. She may say that I am hopeless. That is my fear anyway.

So, anyway, I am going to go to the driving range this afternoon. Dusting off my shoes and twisting my ovaries out there. I know I am going to hear over and over again "Where have you been!" because most of them didn't know my life's story. I think I am just going to say "I have been ill" or "I have been having medical treatment" but that only leads to more questions. We'll see how it goes. Perhaps no one will even notice I've been gone. How arrogant of me to think that anyone really cares out there.

That would be funny. Really shit summer of 2004 and no one even knew she was gone!

Here is to me and getting back in the swing of things.

posted by Julianna · 10/22/2004

8 Comments:

At 11:23 AM,

Anonymous said...
Julianna,

It's never fun watching someone fall on their face, which is why I can't stand reality t.v. and all the laughing and pointing at someone else's misery. You also shouldn't have to choose between a baby or anything else. If you want a baby, you should have one. Yeah, yeah, we're not promised anything, blah,blah,blah. Usually that is heard from someone who has a baby or has never suffered a truly deep loss like those of us who suffer from infertility do. And the thing about this loss is that it's unique -- it lingers, it just keeps going on and on.

You should have your baby because you want it, not deserve, because you should be entitled to it, just the same as anyone else out there. You don't have to justify or feel guilty about having a good life AND wanting a baby. Plenty of people have both, PLENTY. Besides, the desire to have a baby and being upset over not having one isn't the same as the desire to have a million dollar home and not getting it. People, well stupid people, anyway, seem to lump the loss over the biological connection into the same category as a 'material' possession such as a car or house. It's the only way, in my mind anyway, I could think they could justify the utterly stupid comments that come out of the their mouths.

Good luck with the next IVF and sending lots of love and prayers your way. Enjoy your life until then.

Love,
Emily
scrambledeggs

At 3:48 PM,

Jeangenie said...
Good for you, Julianna. One day at a time. I'm still hoping for luck for you.

At 7:53 PM,

Rebecca said...
I have been waiting for a more appropriate time to bring this up. I didn't want to let you think I had and "answer" for your pain, because I don't. But one of the only things that keeps me going some days is the love and comfort I get from my doggie fur-babies. You said that you'd love to get a dog but there are allergy related issues. I just wanted to let you know that there is a dog called a "Labra-doodle" that is half poodle and half labrador, cute as heck,(you can find breeders by googling) and they were "created" specifically for dog lovers who couldn't own due to allergies. Just a thought. I have been praying for you and I wish you nothing but peace and happiness.

At 1:41 AM,

Jeangenie said...
Just as a reply to Becky's comment about Labradoodles - being crossbreeds, only about 50% of them are non-allergenic, and you won't find out if the one you get has inherited the non-moulting properties of its poodle parent, or the moulting ability of its labrador parent. There are many purebreeds which are non-allergenic, which are more reliable than the gamble of a cross. That also depends, of course, whether it is the shedding hair that is the allergen, or (more likely) the animal's dander or saliva.

Keep doing what you're doing, Julianna. You're getting there in the time that's right for you.

At 6:06 AM,

Anonymous said...
So glad that you are feeling better! No guilt allowed for wanting a good life - it's not like you want other people to be unhappy, you just want your own share of good things, and why not? You are a strong woman, Julianna.
Kim

At 8:03 AM,

Julianna said...
Hi everyone. Becky, thank you so much for your especially kind suggestion, I know it is difficult to suggest something that might help. I had never heard of the labradoodle - it sounds adorable!

The ironic thing is that I had a Maltese which are known for their non-allergenic qualities. People that are allergic to dogs, get Malteses. I wish I had a scanner so you could see my beautiful Chelsea. She and my mother are very happy but I miss her tremendously. Maltese's are also wonderfully docile (after their puppy year) and they don't shed or have dander. They were bred for royalty to be lap dogs. They are very smart and full of personality too. Chelsea is 11 now and just as wonderful and healthy as when she was 2.

My sister is a NP in an allergy specialist office and she says that there are no non-allergenic animals. Like Jean said, sometimes it is actually the saliva of the animals.

I was so maternal with my little Chelsea, it was a wonderful substitute while waiting for Mr. Right. She was my baby. I was the obnoxious woman who took her dog everywhere and frequented restaurants that allowed me to bring her. I wish the U.S. was like Europe in that way - more animal friendly.

The even sadder, honest truth is M. doesn't even care for dogs. He grew up with a cat named Ralph and loves cats. I am so allergic to cats, I can't touch them. Honestly, I don't like cats as much either.

So, there you go. We do have visiting animals from the golf course. One cat we feed daily we named Gracie and two beautiful lab's from next door who come over to play and get treats. It is better than nothing I guess.

I wonder if I can get one of those dolls that teach kids not to have sex. The real like babies who cry and you have to feed and change and get up in the middle of the night with. It is supposed to make kids not want to have babies, perhaps that would be good for me.

At 10:37 PM,

Anonymous said...
Julianna, you are a brave soul, and I am in awe of your ability to pick yourself up.

People do get pregnant on third ivfs. Keep going after your dream as long as you can!

Patricia
http://laf.typepad.com/

At 1:49 PM,

Sandy said...
I'm here on the east coast, raising a glass (ok...a can of diet coke, but the sentiment stands...) to you for picking up a piece or two of you. One step at a time....one piece at a time ... can you hear the gentle thunk of the diet coke can as I toast you my friend??