If positive thoughts were what helped with childbearing, I'd have ten children by now. I never thought negatively my first year of marriage. After I discovered OPK's, I had pregnancy symptoms after the positive surge signal and was shocked when I started my period. My first IUI, had me with early morning sickness signs after the first few days.
My first IVF, left me wondering what I was going to do with the triplets and then the problem of so many frozen embryos that would most assuredly be left over.
Being positive has knocked me on my ass. I have been bitch slapped for years by positive thinking. I was slapped so hard back in July that I didn't know that I would every walk upright again.
Interesting that when I had my little episode of fear and anxiety associated with the idea of possible failure, I heard more than five - 5 - people say that I was going to harm/bother/hurt/cause failure to my embryos that are hopefully still somewhere inside my vast uterus of hope.
Dear friends and family,
If my positive thoughts for the past three years were not able to make a DENT in the possibility of a positive pregnancy test, 36 hours of fear and anxiety is not going to abort the current situation so please leave me the fuck alone and let me be scared if that is what I need to be right now. I happen to be scared shitless and I refuse to pretend to be anything other than what I am. If crack whores can have babies, my slight anxiety will not cause these embryos to stop embedding if that is what they decided to do at day 7 of their little fertilized lives. I am actually doing amazingly well but I think I have spoiled you with my great spirits. My spirit is fragile. I am weak and I am scared and that is okay. I have a lot - as in hell of a fucking lot - riding on Tuesday. It is enough to cause one anxiety and fear.
The End.
I am actually still 80% positive that I will get good news Tuesday but, alas, that is my nature. The other 20% has a voice this time that I hear. I wish I was deaf.
Tic ........tic.................tic.............toc
