For these few days that my embryos are outside of my body, I feel I can crumble. I will buck up again tomorrow when I need to. Like I said before, this IVF will NOT fail because I was stressed, I will only do what is helpful to myself - last week it was me bowing to my ovaries and the coming week will be me bowing to my embryos. Sometimes in life, there are so many more important things going on that you just have to let the world go on without you.

I am so upset today for Amanda. I am crying so hard for her right now. I think it just brings back memories of that kind of pain and it also could be a nightmare I live through again in the coming weeks. It is just TOO much sometimes, that awful hurt when you have done everything you can. I told her to lay on the floor and cry and collapse. There will be a day, when she is ready, to stand up again but not now. Amanda, if you reading this, I am so truly very sorry for your loss.

M. just came downstairs and asked what in the world was wrong. I said "I am just scared." He said "why...why are you so scared". I said "I am scared to have hope again and scared of the pain if it doesn't work this time. I don't want to ever feel that again." He said "oh baby, everything will be okay this time."

Like I said, today I will allow myself to be on the floor a bit. Tomorrow is a big day.

I love blogging. I have found such support here, on the internet. I have found a community to which I belong. I'd love nothing more than to not be able to type that and it be true but here I sit in the shit with them and at least we can all smell the same smells and talk about it.

After my transfer tomorrow morning, I will be going to a hotel. I will relax and be happy and think only good thoughts. I will imagine my little babies being happy enough in there that they will want to stay.

My lovely M. gave me a cool laptop about 8 months ago. I have wireless cable, I can sit on my deck and type without cords and such. Unfortunately, there is a great possibility that I will not be able to post from the hotel. We are there for the first 24 hours after transfer.

So, if I don't write tomorrow, it is because I am without a connection.

My lovely husband is an Idiot Savant. He has a PhD in Physics and he has a Masters in Computer Science. You would think, I mean REALLY, that he could figure out a way for me to have my computer up and running in a hotel room?

Me: "I want to take my laptop to the hotel"

He: "What are you going to hook up to?"

Me: "Ummm.......a wall?"

He: "You won't have the same wireless cable there. How are you going to connect to the internet?"

Me: "So, get me a telephone cord hook up"

He: "You don't have an internet provider there"

Me: "So, if I had my old AOL, then I could get online there?"

He: "yes."

Me: "Well then, we'll get one of the hundred discs from AOL that come in the mail and install it on my computer and take advantage of the free trial offer and then I will get to hook up"

He: "no........AOL sucks. You don't want to download it on your computer."

Me: "ummmm..........yes. Yes I do. I want AOL on my computer so I can still get online if I am not home."

He: "It's not that simple, you have to register and download and install and ..........(me getting fuzzy headed)..... You can go a day without the internet."

Me: "so......let me get this straight, you can compose and design complicated satellite systems and yet you can't get my little laptop to connect to the internet from a hotel room?"

He: "correct"


So, to make a long story, longer........I may not be able to post until late Tuesday. I can't stand it when someone in blogland announces an important event (doctor's visit, test results,meetings, etc....) and then they don't post again on their blog for hours and sometimes days. It is like telling a room full of people.....oh.....something so important happened to me today......I'll tell you all about it.........and then leave them all hanging until whenever. This has happened a few times and being on the end of re-freshing and re-freshing a blog is annoying.

I feel that I owe it to my readers, even if I only had one reader, to be polite and not leave them hanging. I'll get a life one day : ).

I also love playing NL Hold Em tournaments on party poker.com. For $5.00, I can play in a tournament that may last 45 minutes to an hour. I have actually become quite good at poker and love the tournaments. I have made more money than I have lost so far.

So tomorrow, I may be left to talk on the phone for endless hours while I am at the hotel room. Perhaps, I will watch some movies. I wish I could blog and play poker though.

I am actually starting to feel better after writing all of this nonsense. Forgive me if it is rambling and difficult to follow.....welcome to my friends little world!

I hope and pray that we have great looking blastocysts in the morning. I am not ready for my world to crumble yet.