I have worked as a dental hygienist for 18 years in po dunk South Carolina, glitsy Beverly Hills, celebrity filled Malibu and now for a periodontist (gum surgeon). I am an Extended Functions Dental Hygienist which means I give injections, nitrous oxide (laughing gas) and anesthesia.

These are 50 things you should know about gum disease:

:: 85% of all of you reading this have, or will have, gum disease - 85%!

:: Plaque looks like tons of BUGS under the microscope

:: Your gums do not get inflamed around nothing

:: Your gums bleed or are puffy because of plaque

:: Plaque calcifies after 2 weeks and turns into little bits of cement called tartar (calculus)

:: It takes a professional cleaning (sharp tools) to get calculus off of your teeth and away from your gums

:: Plaque is NOT food

:: Plaque is bacteria in your saliva that clumps together

:: Plaque is anaerobic bacteria - meaning it likes to be away from oxygen

:: Plaque loves to go deep under the gums

:: Especially under the papilla (pointed tissue between teeth)

:: Your gums get puffy and bleed within 2-3 days of plaque not being removed

:: Bone holds your teeth in your mouth and jaw

:: After 3 months of inflammation, your bone begins to break down around your teeth

:: Most people should get their teeth cleaned every 3 months

:: Your dental insurance company could give a shit about the 3 month scientific fact

:: A toothpaste company in 1903 came up with the saying "see your dentist twice a year"

:: Most people have millimeters of bone loss every 6 months after 30 years of age

:: Years of this break down lead to loose teeth and tooth loss

:: Inflammation in your mouth drags on your entire immune system

:: Hormonal changes (pregnancy, puberty, menopause, hormone treatments) can cause your gums to react more violently against the bacteria in plaque

:: The more you massage your gums, the healthier they will be

:: When you floss, floss deep - up each side of the pointed tissue between your teeth

:: Most people don't floss

:: Most people who do floss, floss incorrectly

:: Most dental hygienists are nags

:: Most dental hygienists are lazy

:: It takes a good hygienist an hour to clean MY teeth

:: If you are getting your teeth cleaned in 30 minutes, you are getting a sucky job !

:: Most dentists do sucky work

:: Pregnancy gingivitis is very common

:: Gingivitis is related to heart disease

:: Bleeding is the first sign of gum disease

:: Most people ignore the bleeding and think it is normal

:: Most people don't brush the necks of their teeth at the gumline

:: Only use a soft bristle toothbrush

:: A medium or hard bristle toothbrush is too hard for your gumline and roots

:: Sonicare toothbrushes are awesome

:: Sonicare toothbrushes penetrate 4-5 mm beyond a regular toothbrush

:: Most people don't use a Sonicare correctly

:: Hold the Sonicare at the gumline with light pressure and do NOT brush back and forth

:: Hold the Sonicare still for a few seconds and then move it, hold it, move it etc...

:: Most people brush their teeth WAY too fast

:: Dentures are uncomfortable

:: People who wear dentures are uncomfortable every day of their lives

:: Dentures make it difficult to eat most foods and affect digestion and thus health

:: Molars have three roots, anterior teeth have one root

:: Molars generally have deeper pockets (bone loss)

:: People lose their back teeth first

:: The canines (eye teeth) are usually the last to go - they have one root and long roots

:: Tartar forms fastest on the bottom front teeth because of a duct under the tongue

:: Bacteria is rampant in your bloodstream after a teeth cleaning appointment (prophy)

:: If you have a heart murmur, you need to take antibiotics one HOUR before you get your teeth cleaned - you could DIE

:: I (hygienists) do not care more about your teeth than you do

:: It is amazing how many patients have an attitude

:: Tooth whitening (Bleach) is awesome

:: Dental tooth whitening bleach - NOT CLOROX

:: Active ingredient is hydrogen peroxide and is strongest strength in dental offices

:: Crest white strips suck

:: Dental office bleach trays and bleach are much more cost effective than over-the-counter whitening

:: Most people bleach their teeth incorrectly

:: Do not bleach back teeth or at gumline (can cause severe sensitivity)

:: I touch up my teeth with my whitening trays (that are 4 years old) every 3 months

:: My teeth look awesome

:: A good teeth cleaning is like a good facial

:: A good hygienist should be thorough and gentle

:: Most hygienists are hacks (did I say that already?)

:: Most dentists do sucky work (did I say that already?)

:: I am NOT a dental assistant..........I SUCK as a dental assistant

:: Dental Hygienists have their own rooms with their own scheduled patients

:: HEALTHY GUMS ............DO NOT BLEED!

:: IF YOUR GUMS BLEED, CLEAN THEM BETTER THAN EVER

:: BLEEDING TELLS YOU WHERE THE BACTERIA IS

:: I have seen miracle healing when patients clean their teeth properly

:: You could save thousands of dollars by taking care of your gums and teeth


I don't know if this is 50 things everyone should know. I don't have the patience to count. If anyone has questions, I will answer brutally, and honestly.

After my last failed IVF, I went to Las Vegas to see my mother and sister who were visiting sin city from South Carolina.

I got off the plane and headed for the Luxor hotel and casino where they were awaiting my bruised and saddened body.

I got a van. A taxi van. For just me.

I asked the driver if I could sit up front with him.

I wouldn't want people up front with me if I were a taxi driver but I must have looked non-threatening enough that he allowed me to sit beside him.

Taxi man: "Where are you headed?"

Sweet Me: "Luxor"

Taxi Man: "So you meeting your husband?" he must have seen my wedding finger

Sweet Me: "Nope. I am meeting my mother and sister who are here from South Carolina."

Taxi Man: "So, you have any kids?"

evil me thinking: Jesus! WILL IT EVER END?

Sweet Me: "I can't have kids"

this was the first time I ever uttered that sentence from my mouth

Taxi Man: "What?"

Sweet Me: "icanthavekids"

Taxi Man: "What do you mean you can't have kids?"

Sweet Me: "I just finished a cycle of IVF. It was a complete, unadulterated failure. complete, positive failure."

Taxi Man: "What? You believe you can't be a mother? Doctors don't know anything."

Sweet Me: "I should be having my babies embedding inside of my uterus right now but instead, I am here with you on my way to get consoled by my mother."

Taxi Man: "Let me see your right hand. ........no..........put it in a fist..............now..........show me your pinky side of your hand."

Taxi Man: studying my hand intently while driving down the strip "You will have a baby. Doctors don't know anything. I see that you will have a baby. What do you think about when you make love to your husband?"

Sweet Me: "what?"

Taxi Man: "Have you ever noticed that stupid women have lots of babies? It is because they don't think of anything when they are making love. What do you think about when you are making love?"

Sweet Me: "umm.......well............I think ..............that fucking sperm better find my fucking egg."

Taxi Man: " see! you need to think of nothing. Like stupid women do. Stop thinking of anything. You will have a baby. I see it in your creases."

Sweet Me: "so.......you really think I will have children? you think I will have a baby?"

Taxi Man: stopping at the Luxor entrance "That will be $12.50. You'll have a child. It is in your hand. Doctors don't know anything."

Sweet Me: "So.....you think I will be a mother? You think I will have a child? My creases say that I will have a child?" me .....not wanting to leave him

Taxi Man: "Yep. $12.50. Quit thinking so much when you make love."

Sweet Me: giving him a $20.00 bill and telling him to keep the change "Thank you."

Taxi Man: "You'll have a baby. Don't worry. Doctor's don't know anything."

Sweet Me: "Thank you. You really think I will have a baby?? No......really??"

I don't give a crap if he was a quack taxi driver. I loved him that day. I needed him that day.

Okee dokey.

We have ignition. We have lift off. I think I am going to vomit.

I just phoned my doctor. Even though I started my period a week and a half late, my IVF schedule stays the same. I will just not take as many of the BCP's.

I have said "yes" to being a guinea pig at Stanford.

I was part of a PGD study last month (they were trying to find out if PGD reduces the rate of miscarriage and increases pregnancy rates in women who have never been pregnant). I was lucky enough to be in the study group and not the control group. I think they were disappointed in my results as there were none to transfer. At least they had nine embryos to test.

This time I am enrolled in a Letrozole study. They are interested in finding out if adding letrozole to IVF schedules increases the quality and quantity of oocytes. Letrozole is similar to Clomid. I spent a few hours doing my copernic search and I decided to go ahead with the study. Letrozole is more often used as a breast cancer drug.

What I am worried about:

I am worried that I am messing with a good thing. I responded really well with the last IVF meds.

I am worried that I will reduce the quality of my eggs by taking letrozole.

I am worried that because this is my last shot at becoming pregnant, I will never forgive myself for screwing up what had already proven itself to be a good thing.

I am worried that I will struggle more with this IVF just knowing that THIS IS IT.

What I am hopeful about:

I am hopeful that letrozole gives me one or two more embryo possibilities.

I am hopeful that I respond as well as I did last month.

I am hopeful that I will stay as stress free as I did last month (when the time comes).

I am most hopeful that I will have an occupant for my nursery.


Sometimes when I am weak and need guidance, I imagine a wise old man on a mountain and I listen to him. I get the message. He is my wise self. I pray a lot too but this is different than God.

Last night while I lay in bed, I imagined my October Julianna instead. She was not happy. She had her head down and she walked slowly towards me. I thought she would run like a lunatic if it didn't work but instead she was calmly sad. I felt what it felt like to be sitting in the agony of "it is completely over".

I got the message that this is the journey I must take. This is where I need to go and what I need to do - no matter what.

I will be okay.




*Note to self: Do not tell every Tom, Dick and Harry you run into that you are doing IVF - keep your mouth shut!!! Do not tell everyone the due date of the future baby. Do not tell everyone the astrological sign of the baby and how compatible it will be to M. and I. Do not tell every person within earshot about when the first trimester will be over. SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE for once!

I started what will be my last period for the next 9 months. I don't really consider the period with the pill to be a REAL period so......... this is it.

Yep.

I want to fast forward my movie now.

Scroll the pages of my blog up to October.

If I am getting a tampon up there, I want the woman on those pages to come back to me flailing her arms and screaming to stop.

Perhaps if I yell loud enough, she will come save me.

In my sweet Southern accent, I phoned my local doctors office today and demanded to be seen ASAP. Stanford is two hours away so I opted for my local obgyn who I like very much.

Nurse who I can't stand but am nice to only because I am so desperate was on the phone:

Ratchet: "Mrs. M. the doctor can see you Monday."

Sweet Me: "I believe I have an ectopic pregnancy and will most likely be dead on Monday. Today will have to do."

Ratchet: "Mrs. M. , What are your signs and symptoms?"

Sweet Me: "Ummmmmmmm.....Wayell (translation = well) I have just completed a very involved cycle of IVF"

Ratchet: interrupting me "so did it work? are you pregnant?"

Sweet Me: "Wayell, noooooo and that was last month and this is my first cycle after IVF and I am 10 days late for my period and I know that something is seriously wrong with me. I am having occasional sharp pains on my right ovary side."

Ratchet: "So, let me get this straight. You went through IVF at Stanford and it didn't work and now you think you are pregnant?"

Sweet Me: "Stranger things have happened."

bitchy, condescending silence on her end of the phone

Sweet Me: " It COULD happen."

longer bitchy silence

Sweet Me: "Shall I come now and wait or can you find an opening?"

Ratchet: "We'll squeeze you in at 1:15"

Sweet Me: hung up on her

M. took me to the doctor because I just knew I was destined for the hospital and emergency surgery to remove my right fallopian tube due to the miracle embryo who was too stupid to embed in the right place.

It took me forever to get dressed for the appointment. For some reason, when I want to be a bitch and have an attitude .........well.......... I like to look good.

I walked into the office and signed my name in calligraphy .......well........ why the hell not!

My sweet doctor asked me some questions and immediately performed an ultrasound after I went over the past two hellacious months with him. He even asked "So, you think you got pregnant AFTER the IVF cycle?" I just smiled with my newly whitened teeth and nodded.

The ONLY thing he saw on that ultrasound was the possibility of an uncollapsed follicle that could be filled with blood. He said everything really looked great and there were no explanations and it didn't look like I would start my period within the next 5 days! That would make me more than 15 days late.

Nurse Ratchet smiled at me condescendingly when I left. I smiled back.

Monday I will call Stanford and inform them of my terrible fucked up cycle and the need to reschedule all of the next IVF dates.

If I am so inclined, I may just get them to give me a second opinion on my ectopic pregnancy.

No Miracle Positive

Perhaps my body is rebelling from all of the injections last month.

If my "what is wrong with me and something is definitely wrong" thoughts continue then I may phone my local doctor.


P.S. It is now two hours post HPT and I finally did my copernic search. It revealed that it is normal for your first cycle to be late after a failed IVF cycle. Thank God for copernic. You can search anything and get more answers than you could ever hope for: http://www.copernic.com/en/products/agent/basic.html . It searches ALL of the search engines and categorizes previous searches and it is FREE. It is my encyclopedia online. The only thing is that it gives you so many choices, I am usually reading for hours.

Okay, I must say that I feel bad about calling bloggers "self important assholes". I should have said "self important people". Everything else I wrote last night still feels true in my heart.

I used to invest heavily in the stock market and that is the last time I was involved with internet relationships. I guess I thought blogging would be the same type of thing but once you start writing and reading other bloggers you click on more and more names and FOR ME, it just loses its point sometimes.

In reading here, I hope one either walks away thinking "oh....i'm not the only one who thinks that way" or "she's got more problems than me! boy, do I feel better!".

I can only blog from my heart. I was looking for the "right way" or the rules but I found high school type cliques.

We are in pain and the last thing we need is MORE PROBLEMS from blogs! Geez!

Okay, hopefully that is my last time commenting about what I am doing. It would be like commenting about my diary concept while I am supposed to be just writing in it.

If this were my diary, I would be making every page beautiful. I love roses and I have a lot of really beautiful vintage rose stickers I put on letters or envelopes. I would put a sticker on every page if this were my diary. I may start adding more rose pictures here.

My paranoid self came into play today. I have never been this late for a period.

As a side note, I work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. When I am working, I cannot get anything else done and I also hold things off until my days off. If I took my HPT this morning, no matter what it said, it would affect my day.

If it was negative, I would wonder what in the hell is wrong with me. Do I NOW have hormonal problems? Then my thought pattern would take off: "it doesn't make sense and the only reason for being this late and a negative HPT is that I have cysts on my ovaries from the last IVF that are about to rupture or it is an ectopic pregnancy and the blood work will reveal that I have to have surgery and be laid up for a week or two and there could be permanent damage on that side and not to mention the depression ensued for being FINALLY pregnant and it attached to the wrong place.................."

God am I a morbid drama queen.

If it was positive, I would faint on the floor. After coming to my senses (or lack thereof - hahahaha my attempt at a cute sentence) I would have to call into work sick because of euphoria. I would probably cry for three days and be numb for three days just like I was when my IVF failed. I would then make signs for my yard.......not "It's a Boy" or "It's a Girl" .........I would make awesome, beautiful yard signs with roses on them that said "I'M PREGNANT!!"

God that would be awesome. The goal is to have a child but I have never passed the first step so I will celebrate in a huge way just as I have mourned in a huge way. Perhaps the next time I mourn, I will get a beautiful white wreath for my front door.

It is now late on Monday and still nothing. Makes you want to go hmmmmmmm.

I may take another HPT tomorrow morning. The last one was Saturday but that should have shown positive given when I was ovulating.

I think it is rude to post such suspense and then not post again for a few days. I have hated it when I have started reading about someone and they leave everyone hanging for 2-3 days until they post again.

To be honest, I am rather disillusioned with these other blogs. I am reading a lot of cute stuff from a cute clique. A bunch of buddies that I eavesdrop on.

I have so much going on in my life and it mostly has to do with heartache and pain. I SO do not care to read so many "cute" entries.

I don't even care if anyone reads this.

This is for me. This is my journal and the only reason I am not writing in a book by my bed is that perhaps there is ONE woman who is going through the same thing as me and gets some relief from her pain.

Shit. this sucks.

Everything about it sucks.

I think that I search for comfort from anywhere and I need to look inside myself. I have to fight the big fight and if I lose, then I need to carry on with my life.

I am at the end of my struggle. After my failed IVF, I was completely paralyzed for 3 days. DEVASTATED and could not find comfort. During my "failed IVF" research, I found some blogs. Some LOVELY blogs and then I started this one. This is such a new world to me and I am learning a lot; what I like and what I don't like.

I'm not finding a lot that I like at the moment. It could all be stemming from me but I find a lot of self important assholes who blog.

This is not a game. This is not bullshit. This is my life and my future and my heartache.

I WANT TO HAVE A BABY!

I don't know what is going on with my body. I am so tenderly, naively, hopeful that it could be a miracle. And it WOULD be a miracle if I am pregnant right now. I have never been this late and that makes it hurt and suck more.

Tonight I was thinking that perhaps the next cycle after IVF is askew. I thought of doing a "copernic" search to read all I could about "first cycle after IVF failure" but I don't have the energy. I could spend two hours reading so much and only the future holds the answer.

If I decide to do the HPT in the morning then I will post if it is positive. I will also post if I start my period. Only because I have hated being on the other end of wondering.

My blog will know before anyone. This is my haven. My secret. My sanctuary.

It is late Sunday night and I STILL have not started my period. This is cruel and unusual punishment.

I know in my brain that there is NO way that I can be pregnant given that 11 eggs couldn't fertilize in nutrient solution in a petri dish in July.

Having a period used to be painful and depressing but I have gotten used to that disappointment but being unusually late is torture. I have an angel and a devil on opposite shoulders.

Devil : "Stupid girl, you can't be pregnant. I mean really..........how ridiculous are you? You are actually quite funny to play with because you are so damn gullible. Ohhh.......how I laugh at you and love to tease you."


Angel: "Oh ye of little faith. How late do you have to be to take another pregnancy test? Don't you feel the signs and aren't you believing yet? It is time for good things to happen to you and you don't have to go through another torturous IVF. God loves you. Your miracle prayers are being answered!"

I have my BCP's ready to go on CD3. Stanford has me scheduled for a tentative retrieval date of September 28th. I am completely off of that schedule right now since I didn't start Friday or Saturday.

The paranoid me is afraid that I have jinxed myself into having hormonal problems now that I have been so cocky about my hormone levels. The devil hates me.

Okay......slap.........slap.........shake.

Whew........I needed a good slap in the face.

It is what it is. Everything is out of my control. If I start tomorrow or Tuesday or whenever, Stanford can change the IVF dates and adjust.

Everything will be okay. I am doing the best I can do and that is all I can ask of myself.

Well, actually M. is a physicist who manages rocket scientists.

Me,.......well...........I just had to spell check physicist .....enough said.

This is what i know:

It is extremely doubtful that I will ever get pregnant given the accumulated data.

This is what I believe:

New data can come about and change the previous conclusion. The earth was flat at one time.

I believe in the future and surprises and miracles. I do not look backwards for the answers.

I woke from my pregnancy fatigue nap and couldn't resist any longer. The symptoms have been mounting and still no sign of red. I peed on the stick an hour ago and I usually leave it by my trash can just in case the results change later. I'll still keep checking it until tomorrow.

M. saw me kneeling at my bathroom sink and I fessed up. "Well, I just took a home pregnancy test because technically I should have started Wednesday but I could have started up until yesterday but now it is Saturday and I am exhausted and I have all the signs so I took it and I am checking to make sure it is still negative even though it was over an hour ago because you never know I could have a faulty test." (I usually ramble with no pauses in my sentences when I am excited).

M. said he will get a magic marker and paint it positive for me.

He is such a doll!

I guess I'll soon find out when my CD1 will be and then I begin IVF #2.

I believe in believing.

Okay, I hate to be graphic but if not here, where?

I have my birth control pills and am ready to take them on cycle day 3. Today should technically be cycle day 2 and yet still no period.

In three years, I have been late for my period twice. So it's not that it hasn't happened before, it is just that it is a teasing torture.

I am generally a 26 day cycle girl and I am now at day 29 and it is the evening. I am pretty certain that I will pee on a stick in the morning and that pretty much guarantees that I will start within the next few hours of that and be pissed I wasted the money on the home pregnancy test. God, I am so cheap sometimes.

M. is sitting here in this room and I want to tell him but that is cruel. I have promised myself not to drag anyone else who loves me into this hope filled hell I live in. He has been drug through this way too many times and the next time he finds out I am pregnant will be because the doctor called with this next IVF or because he gets served an amazing dinner with a baby silver spoon. I have had that dinner planned for a long time.

Anyway, back to the unmentionable. I just did that dive for the future look. I think that is all I should say. Even here. It was void of any red color.

hmmmmmmmmm. This is my first cycle after IVF so I may be askew.

I am just getting home from my appointment. Stanford is about 2 hours from my house so I had a long drive to try to absorb a lot of information.

My husband whom I will now refer to as "M" was not able to be there. Secretly, I was glad. I can give him the information with my spin.

So, here I sit with a glass of wine. I live in Wine Country for God's sake, you can't blame me for drinking alone.

I was actually on the verge of tears waiting in the room. I felt so desperate now that I look back on it. It also brought back so many memories being in that building. I love that little girl inside of me who was so brave and positive last month. She had no idea what lay ahead just as I sit now. I have no regrets.

My questions were answered:
1. All of my 11 eggs looked excellent. They do not test for "maturity" unless ICSI is being performed because of the cell layer that needs to be removed around an egg but even 23 hours later with the rescue ICSI, the notes were that they looked good.

2. I told her that intuitively I feel that there is something wrong with the mix of M and I. Two post coital tests showed no moving sperm and some of his test results have shown low motility. M had an excellent sperm sample on the day of retrieval. Motility was 79% and they really only want over 40% so he was well above the minimum. Even on day 2 for the rescue ICSI, there were motile sperm. Dr. Beautiful doesn't know if there is something amiss with the mix of us.

3. My low FSH (3.4) is excellent for my age. My low FSH does not guarantee great eggs. Now is when I piped in again about my outstanding lineage of grandmothers having children so late (my grandmother had my mother at 46 and my father's mother had he and his twin brother at 39). My lovely doctor was still unimpressed. I mean, hell, if heredity has so much to do with bad stuff why can't I cash a good chip in??? But .....no. I am old at 41 even though I just turned 41 two weeks ago.

4. There is one study that we can be a part of but it only helps with meds. We were actually in a PGD study last time and that is how I was so fortunate to find out about my terribly fucked up embryos before they transferred them to me.

Lovely Dr. Beautiful told me that I had twice as many eggs as women my age and that they just don't know what happened. She was shocked too when none fertilized and was pleasantly surprised when so many responded to the desperate rescue ICSI. She said that they don't know and even past experience and previous IVF's does not mean the same thing will happen again. Every cycle is different.

I told her I am so close. Either to having a baby or having an answer. I said I wanted ICSI and PGD if I do IVF again. She said she didn't recommend PGD for me. That was a huge surprise. I have been so thankful for PGD and now she doesn't recommend it for me again. Her thoughts are that my goal is to have a baby. PGD or no PGD will not change the results of a live birth. Unhealthy embryos will not implant and grow (I guess my seriously fucked up ones won't anyway). She said that they are very aggressive with transfers. If I have 9 good looking embryos, they will put all 9 in!!!! I DID tell her about my lineage! She said that she can count on one hand the number of multiples of a woman my age. GEEZ

Okay, now I am done with my glass of wine and I actually thought writing all of this down would help me get settled. Right now, I still want PGD. It is over $4,000 on top of everything else but I was so grateful for it last time.

Long pause here.......

There has been a gap of 15 minutes since I last typed.

M just called. I told him we could talk when he got home that I had so much information but no clear answers. He asked some questions so of course I spilled the beans. Everything I could remember.......she said........then I said.

I am crying right now and so filled with love for my husband. He said that we will try again. One more time. He said that I was amazing and that this is our only option for having our baby.

I want a baby for my nursery. God help me if you will.

Tender breasts, fatigue, queasiness, dark spotting, thicker mucus, shortness of breath, sleeplessness, circles under eyes, pimples, darker nipples... etc.... And please do not tell me what your first symptoms of pregnancy were because I am sure to get them next month. My cycles are like clock work so 2 days before I am due, it begins.

A huge segment of my brain is dedicated to "possible symptoms remembrance".

For 3 years, I have had some sign that gave me much hope. For 3 years, I was depressed, sad or angry when I got my period.

When I was on birth control pills in June for my pre IVF cycle I had the most delightful period. I was not disappointed when it came. I did not have pregnancy symptoms (well maybe a little - it HAS happened before - women have been known to come up pregnant on the pill). I didn't even get bad cramps with that period.

Ever the hopeful optimist, I am a bit queasy and my nipples look a bit darker (the light bulb out on my vanity couldn't be the cause could it?)...........so I begin to daydream.

The wonderful Pollyanna excited girl inside of me thinks how grand that would be! To finally get pregnant after a disastrous IVF and just before the final IVF. What a story! I did get drunk and do it in the back seat of the car after I had given up any hope and I stopped trying so hard. That is what people say....."get drunk"....."stop thinking about it"....."relax"........."don't even look at a calendar"......"adopt and then it will happen"....and on and on and on.


When will Thursday get here? I will start BCP at day 3 which will probably be Saturday. That is, of course, if I'm not already pregnant.

You know those moments in life when so much is riding on it? When you couldn't wait for the calendar and clock to flip to there?

Today would have been my time but now I have to wait until Thursday for my "why did my IVF fail so miserably" talk with my doctor.

In the pool of calm though, it is still okay timing for me to start IVF next cycle. deep breaths....easy.......calm...... deep breaths.

"Pool of Calm" is my special place surrounded by concrete (my husband) where I don't worry about anything. Nothing can ripple the water I float in because stress is not allowed to penetrate beyond the concrete. It is a wonderful and powerful place. My first experience with the pool of calm was last month with my first IVF. My husband was great concrete for me.

As the days progress, I am more and more hopeful my husband will support me in my decision to try IVF one more time. Why am I the only woman in blogdom who's husband has to be pulled to "yes"?

PGD is Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis performed on embryos. Many genetic abnormalities can now be discovered at an amazingly early stage of development (usually day 3 embryos).

PGD saved my heart. It saved my heart more ache. Had it not been for this amazing technology, I would have had several great looking embryos transferred and we would have frozen the rest. We had 9 microscopically good looking embryos on PGD day.

PGD determined all 9 to have severe chromosome abnormalities so I was spared the transfer, miscarriage, thaw, transfer and miscarriage.

PGD is illegal in Germany. It is extremely controversial. "60 Minutes" just had a show about PGD and the main story was a woman with several healthy boys who wanted a girl. Now she has twin girls to go with her many boys thanks to PGD. A small bit was about the true purpose of PGD and the amazing technology. The spin on that show was how selfish people get what they want with PGD.

Rescue ICSI was performed on my 11 oocytes 23 hours after retrieval and that has been shown to result in more severe chromosome abnormalities (oocytes cannot be fertilized at all after 24 hours):

http://humrep.oupjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/17/9/2423
"CONCLUSIONS: Although unfertilized oocytes after IVF can be fertilized by ICSI, the developmental potential of the ensuing embryos is very poor. Therefore, rescue ICSI after total failure of fertilization is not recommended."

I like to believe that for some simple reason my husband's sperm cannot penetrate my eggs. My eggshell is too thick or his tails don't whip enough to break through. We did not expect such initial failure with IVF and it is amazing that 9 of the 11 fertilized after rescue ICSI.

Call me "selfish" or "arrogant" but I want to have a baby. A healthy baby. Mine and my husband's baby.

I believe that God gave us PGD. I believe that God gave us ICSI and IVF. I believe I am going to have a healthy baby because of and ONLY because of this technology.

I want to try IVF one more time. I want ICSI performed immediately after retrieval (when it is usually performed) and then I want PGD. THAT PGD will be the most important thing in my life.

PGD is my only hope right now.

Okay, so I can contemplate my naval and watch my fingernails grow while I wait for my life changing consultation next week or I can get my clever mind out of hibernation.

My husband does not want to do another IVF. He has found the results of the first IVF to be very clear. "Resounding failure" is how he worded it. The diminished checking account is painful for him.

Now I wait for a consultation that makes my husband say "yes".

It is down to two theories :
1. My eggs are to blame for such poor PGD results.
2. The rescue ICSI at 23 hours post retrieval is to blame for such poor PGD results.

I want to try it again and have ICSI immediately and PGD at day 3. Then we will know. That may be a sentence I look back on and laugh. Every step I think "then we will know".

The money is the issue for my husband. Only the expense. He thinks it is throwing good money after bad.

So I have come up with some possibilities:

1. I will contact TLC and Lifetime and propose a new show : "An Embryo Story".
They have such success with "A Baby Story" , "Birthday" and "An Adoption Story", hell, why not jump on the infertility train and film me going through IVF with ICSI and PGD. Sure to be a hit.

2. I am the queen of PartyPoker.com and playing real money tournaments. I have enough hours of practice and am positive with my money flow. I am sufficiently arrogant enough with my NL hold em skills and I had such great luck in Vegas when my embryo's should have been implanting. I think I am ready for the World Series of Poker and I will be the next surprise Binions WPT champion.

3. I can get cameras set up in my house and sell myself over the internet. If Big Brother 4 can be such a big hit, then surely I can get some interest.

4. I can have an estate sale the next time my husband goes on a business trip. He will come home to an empty house except for the future nursery.

5. Get my husband to pony up some cash. I could give him lap dances for our baby fund.

Out of the 5, there is sure to be a winner before my eggs are completely well done.

I will write to the producers at TLC and Lifetime. I think it is the most plausible of the 5 options.

Keep an out for "An Embryo Story" on your local cable channels. I think this could work.

I will know so much in a week. My husband and I are scheduled to go back to our doctor at Stanford. I have a list of 4 questions. Depending on her answers, I will start my second IVF at my next cycle.

My husband does not want to do another IVF as long as we live. I would do 10 if we could.

I am the Mother of all mothers. I was the baby with baby dolls. I was the little girl who couldn't wait to be old enough to babysit. I was the teenager who only wanted to be a mother when she grew up. I never answered "what do you want to be when you grow up" with a college worthy title. I always said "I want to be a wonderful mother to many children and I want to be a good wife". People encouraged me to get a "real job".

I could have married several guys before I married my husband when I was 37. I am still glad I waited for him.

He had never been married either and on our second date he said he didn't have a big desire to have children. I said there was no reason to date again because that is all I have ever wanted........being a mother is my nature. I said "at best we could date and fall in love and I already know we are not headed down the same road in life". He said " wait.....whoa.......I didn't say I never wanted children, I just never thought much about it". I made it clear that being a mother is when I will be in my element. I wanted a family.

We fell in love and were engaged within a year. He is my granite.

My husband is so happy. He thinks we have a wonderful family even if it is just us.

I have a deep hole in my heart weeping for the child that isn't here.

There are some men who say that they never knew the love they could feel for another human being until they had their child. They never knew what they were missing. My husband is ignorant of his love loss. I am fully aware of my love loss.

I am a woman who mourns what I am missing and I am married to a man who is fulfilled.

I saw Celine Dion on Oprah once and I will be exactly like her as mother. Obnoxious. Positively obnoxiously in love with her son. She feels her life began when he was born. I completely comprehend. I comprehend it with every cell of my body.

God love my husband. He is so happy. He is so fulfilled. He is so awesome.

God help me. I should be grateful for so many amazing things and yet my motherlessness overwhelms me.

My questions to my doctor next week.........the consultation that has my lifelong hopes and dreams all balled up suddenly in every second ticking in the 15 minute appointment.

I want to call her with the answers that will satisfy my husband. The answers that he wants to hear to give me another shot. I know I can do this.

I am emotional and feeling. My husband is logical and analytical. I have everything I need before that appointment. My husband will have everything he needs when he leaves.

My questions:

1. What does FSH really mean? If my FSH is 3.4 how can my eggs possibly be the blame?

2. Everything I have read about "rescue ICSI" suggests that severe chromosome abnormalities are the result. Of the nine embryo's that fertilized, how can my eggs be to blame for the severely fucked up embryos?

3. Were all of my eleven eggs mature?

4. Are there any study groups that we can be a part of? ( The money is a huge deal to my husband. We are now looking at ICSI and PGD on top of everything else. My dear love is not about to get a loan or mortgage our house. It is all cash for him. It makes it much more painful when you pay cash.)

I will know in a week.

Perhaps I will slip my doctor a cheat sheet.

Look at that beautiful baby

I only wanted to be a mother and wife. "Career minded" and "too success driven" are not my reasons for not having a child by now. I simply never found the right man until 3 years ago.

The first year of our marriage produced no missed periods but I wasn't worried. My husband traveled every week and anyway, isn't it good to have that first year together? My ob/gyn wasn't concerned either.

The second year found me in Ovulation Predictor heaven. What an amazing device........so....... now it would happen. Give it 3 months or so, I told myself.

We moved and I got a new doctor. He wasn't concerned and said "lets just start some tests to rule out anything - not to worry" . Hormones - excellent, Ultrasound - excellent, X-rays - excellent. Post coital test - every single sperm DEAD. Second post coital test - notta - all dead. My husband was sent to a urologist for more semen analysis. His doctor said that everything was fine.

Fine?

I read his two semen analysis and although his sperm count was excellent, his motility,especially after 3 hours, was poor. POOR

"Poor" and his doctor says "fine". "There is nothing with his sperm that can be fixed nor does it make it impossible to fertilize an egg" the urologist said. Except (OF COURSE ) for my age.

That is when I first felt the finger pointing in my direction from the medical field.

So my doctor recommended artificial insemination which we performed 4 times. I had a clomid challenge test - initial FSH 5.2 and after clomid challenge my FSH was 4.3. My doctor called about how that was such great news and much better than he expected for a 40 year old woman.

After three IVF consultations, my husband and I decided to give it a go at Stanford University. I told my husband that I wanted the nuclear bomb effect to finally get pregnant and that at least then we would know.

hahahahaha ...... oh God...... the child inside of me thinking "then" we would finally know.

I had no idea I would have more questions after IVF.

My FSH for the IVF cycle was 3.4 and I got a call from my IVF doctor about how excellent that number was for my age.

"My grandmother had my mother at 46 and my paternal grandmother had my father and his twin brother at 39. I come from a long line of child bearers and it is unfathomable for me to believe that it is ME and my age that is causing my husband and I not to have a family." I told my IVF doctor when I first met her.

She was unimpressed with my amazing heredity.

I began my shots. I handled it like a trouper. I said that if someone had to hit my fingernails with a hammer 10 times a day for me to have a baby, then I would do it gladly and never wince.
I never complained.

I was the model patient. Stanford is 2 hours from our house and at each ultrasound appointment I was only pleased to see the doctor was pleased. I never asked how many follicles or how big or is there a dominate one. If my doctor was pleased, then I was pleased.

The morning of the retrieval was filled with excitement when my nurse told me that I had 11 good eggs. My doctor came in while I was waking up and said she was .......you got it.......very pleased. She said that they got twice as many good eggs as they normally do for a woman.....you got it.........of my age.

I told my husband that I told my doctor at that moment that I loved her and that she told me she loved me back. He said "for sure you dreamed that, I am quite certain your doctor did not tell you she loved you". I still think she did.

We were told to expect a call the next morning letting us know how many fertilized.

The phone rang at 8:10 a.m. and it was the doctor telling my husband that NONE - notta - fertilized. She said they could perform "rescue ICSI" if we wanted. Of course we wanted. This rescue ICSI was performed at 23 hours post retrieval. At 24 hours the eggs are completely unfertilizable.

The next long day a nurse called and said that there were 5 eggs at 2 pn.

We were to be a part of a PGD study and at day 3 the biopsies were to be performed. The nurse would call to let us know if there were any to biopsy.

The call came the next afternoon from the nurse that when the embryologists went to check there were not 5 but 9 - NINE - fertilized embryos. Several 7 and 8 cells and the rest from 2 cells to 6 cells. Many of the embryos looked excellent. The PGD was being done and the results would be back the next day. The transfer date would be the same day 5 even though it was technically day 4 for my embryos.

We were very excited. All of my family lives in South Carolina; my mother had a prayer chain going and she was keeping everyone abreast of the miracles happening in California.

The doctor left a message the next afternoon and said she wanted to update us on the embryos. I wondered how many she was recommending to be transferred and then how many would be left for freezing.

I just KNEW I was going to be pregnant with twins and now I wondered about the possibility of triplets. I knew, because of my age, they would implant more blasts because of the rate of failure to implant.

Remember, my doctor didn't pay much attention when I told her about my amazing blood line so I knew she would put more in me than I really needed and I stood a good chance of getting triplets.

ohhhhhhh.............triplets...............too funny!

I now get it that when the doctor calls it is BAD news, when the nurse calls, it is good news. I got it now.

The doctor called the morning of the transfer and told me that there were NO embryos to transfer. That PGD showed them all to be severely chromosomeably abnormal. "Downs Syndrome is nothing compared to these severe chromosome abnormalities."

Did she not get it about my bloodline and superior reproducing genes? "This is not happening" I thought.

"I am numb" I said to her on the phone.

She said that she would like to see me try it again. That she has seen women who have nothing to transfer have a baby with the next IVF. I said "thank you for everything. i appreciate everything you have done. i loved having you as my doctor."

She did not tell me she loved me back that time.

So anyway, that was last week. Two days before my 41st birthday. I just knew this was going to be the most amazing birthday of my life. Instead, it became the worst.

My mother and sister had planned a trip to Las Vegas long before my IVF journey. They convinced me to come to Vegas to keep my mind off of things. My husband said I should go.

So, I did what any heart broken IVFer would do and I went to Vegas and played craps and poker until the wee hours of the morning with still freshly bruised arms and buttocks and kicked ass.

In two weeks I have a consultation with my doctor to discuss things. I have fervently been searching the internet for answers and have only found comfort from the blogs I accidentally stumbled upon.

I do know that "rescue ICSI" has very bad results; most of the fertilized embryos will be severely abnormal.

My husband has accepted that we will never have children. He believes that the scientific results could not be any more conclusive - failure - resounding failure. He is a physicist and deals with the facts. I am a woman and I deal with my emotions. I believe that it can work, I believe that I can have a baby.

I believe in believing.

Here begins my journey into blogdom. I sat with my husband telling him that I am finally finding some peace of mind on the internet. I told him that I was searching on the internet and stumbled upon this grrrl's journal. I told him that I found more peace reading about her and other stories (Karen ,Julie and Tertia) than I did reading all of the medical journals on "failed IVF", "rescue ICSI", "chromosome abnormalities".

He asked where I found these people and who they were. I said it is like a journal that I read of theirs. I am reading about feelings inside of me that someone else typed. I found this grrl's by accident in a search and I saved the link and ended up getting caught up in her book.

I said I need to look up this word. It must be from the UK and slang for "gathering" or "friends in common".

I asked if he ever heard of "blog" (I pronounced it blogue - like rogue). He laughed and explained it all to me.

Now I sit with my own blog - pronounced like log.