Tender breasts, fatigue, queasiness, dark spotting, thicker mucus, shortness of breath, sleeplessness, circles under eyes, pimples, darker nipples... etc.... And please do not tell me what your first symptoms of pregnancy were because I am sure to get them next month. My cycles are like clock work so 2 days before I am due, it begins.

A huge segment of my brain is dedicated to "possible symptoms remembrance".

For 3 years, I have had some sign that gave me much hope. For 3 years, I was depressed, sad or angry when I got my period.

When I was on birth control pills in June for my pre IVF cycle I had the most delightful period. I was not disappointed when it came. I did not have pregnancy symptoms (well maybe a little - it HAS happened before - women have been known to come up pregnant on the pill). I didn't even get bad cramps with that period.

Ever the hopeful optimist, I am a bit queasy and my nipples look a bit darker (the light bulb out on my vanity couldn't be the cause could it?)...........so I begin to daydream.

The wonderful Pollyanna excited girl inside of me thinks how grand that would be! To finally get pregnant after a disastrous IVF and just before the final IVF. What a story! I did get drunk and do it in the back seat of the car after I had given up any hope and I stopped trying so hard. That is what people say....."get drunk"....."stop thinking about it"....."relax"........."don't even look at a calendar"......"adopt and then it will happen"....and on and on and on.


When will Thursday get here? I will start BCP at day 3 which will probably be Saturday. That is, of course, if I'm not already pregnant.