I need to add a note to self:
1. Even though not decorating for Christmas makes the season more depressing than usual, not having to un-decorate, almost makes up for it.




My lovely M. is off work for 2 weeks and today he cleaned the house while I had to go to my gaslight job. I came home and my house was spic and span clean........immaculate............. my sweet honey had "Merry Maids" come over for Spring cleaning and I was surprised to find an amazingly clean home when I walked in the door.

It took 4 ladies FIVE hours to clean my house..........that is either very impressive or very embarrassing. I am simply pleased.



The boss of my one-foot-out-the-door job gave me a raise today.......... Does he know? Have they been reading my mind? Or...........God forbid...........have they been reading my blog? ohhhhhhhhhhh............wait..........he would have fired me if he had found my blog. His wife would have hired a hit man to knock me off if they had found my blog.


After dinner, my lovely husband told me that he has surprise reservations for us to go on an excursion for the next few days...........after I work tomorrow........he is taking me somewhere. We are going to a local place, not on a plane,...... and will be gone for 3 days. I am to pack tonight before I go to work tomorrow because as soon as I get home from work...........we are going to our secret destination.



Is this a dream?????



Am I for real??????????



Am I conscious????????



Am I alive?????????



What is going on!



Do good things happen sometimes????????



Is life okay sometimes in spite of my infertility?





I think a lot of this has to do with an ass chewing I gave my lovely husband because he got another new computer and has spent endless hours in his office setting up said computer and he has been completely ignoring me. I must hand it to that man.........he knows how to step up to the plate when need be.


I am getting very ready for IVF#3. I am so hopeful that if I try just one more time...........ONE MORE TIME............I will get pregnant. Lord knows how I want us to have a family, I wish I had a husband who wants a baby MORE than me. That would be amazing, to be married to a man who pushed ME to the next level! Instead, I am blessed with an amazing man who loves me so much that he jumps through more hoops than he ever imagined for us to have our imaginary children.


I love my husband.


I am very blessed, in spite of my empty nursery.

I don't know, I just want to write a lot in my journal. I tend to mull things over here and come out purged by the time I click "publish post". I wonder if I would feel as purged if I never clicked the button? Something about putting it all out there in all of its glory makes the difference - different than keeping it in the closet.

Sometimes I look at my sitemeter and find it curious why some people find me. There are several boards who come here sometimes and I can tell by the meter run that they must have been discussing me. I go there then and read what they say. It completely touches my heart sometimes that anonymous strangers can be so sweet. One board was discussing my 2nd IVF and as they followed along, they all wished me well to each other and then all agreed they didn't have a good feeling about it working. Ends up they were right. I hated reading that the day before I had my beta, I was eavesdropping on a private discussion about how hopeless I am to others and it makes me wonder how obvious it is that I should give it up. Even now, I still have hope for myself. Anyway, I am rambling, but one discussion board was discussing how they thought I was crazy. Now, THAT was interesting to read about. There was one woman who understood me, she gets me but the others clearly didn't. I found it very amusing that I could appear so crazy that a discussion board could have a hay day debating about it.

I am of the firm belief that everyone is crazy to some degree. Everyone is insecure to some degree. Everyone is scared to some degree. It is the degrees of separation that make the difference in compatibilities (says Dr. Julianna).

So anyway, now I find myself wondering how honestly I want to reveal my core and should I? As crazy as I have ever been or felt in my life, I was blessed with a therapist who validated my feelings and made me feel normal and I realized that everyone is a bit off balance sometimes and that is okay and normal.

I spent the first half of my life being unsure, insecure, and scared. It is so powerful to have some chutzpah. I am still a pussy underneath and I am entirely too sensitive. I still work on toughening up my tender heart.

I will never finish working on me.

I will never "get it".

I will never completely be free.



Yesterday, I found myself being more insecure than usual. I could get to the core and peel the layers but suffice is to say, we were spending Christmas day with someone else's family. My husband loves to help out on weekends at the winery so he is completely comfortable with the group and surroundings up there. I have never spent such a personal holiday with someone else's family. In a way, M. and I were the needy being adopted this holiday season. They knew we were here without family and insisted on us coming up to the winery. I think that is it.......I just realized......ironic that it actually ended up being us who were the needy at Christmas.

The first hour at the winery was awkward for me. The women were in the kitchen and the men were outside cooking the meat on the massive cooker/barbecue.

I try to lay low when I am feeling out of sorts.

I noticed tiny things, like all the women pulled their hair back when they were in the kitchen, I had no scrunchie or barrette so even something as tiny as that made me uncomfortable. I was just not comfortable in my skin there.

I knew everyone, but I still had meaningless conversations for the first hour or two. I wanted to be outside with the men where I could let my hair down (literally and figuratively). Then something happened, one woman and then another started peeling the onion of themselves back more and I noticed how much more comfortable I was. It is in sharing the craziness in each other that bonds us sometimes. The more they really talked and made themselves vulnerable, the more comfortable I became.

We had a lovely afternoon and evening and I have new found friends, true friends.

I got to know their "ick" and they got to know some of mine.

The ick that binds.

I have two minutes to fret here.

Perhaps I should be jumping in the shower again in these two minutes but hey, I am already dressed and I just can't start all over again - not that it is even an option.


I love Michael body cream. It smells yummy and feels amazing on my dry skin. I really needed a good moisturizing going on so I lathered myself up. I am not a perfume person and this body cream is loud for my tastes, but it is delightful. I figured what the hell, it is always nice to smell good and I usually get compliments about my "perfume" when I have it on.

I opened a Vera Wang perfume and lotion present last night from my mother-in-law and fell in love with that fragrance. The box was perfect for the scarf I had made for our hostess today.

We are headed to a Christmas gathering with some friends of ours who own a winery.


I made a beautiful scarf (it is the yarn that makes it so magnificent) and I put it in the Vera Wang box and while I was at it, I sprayed a hit of that perfume on the scarf for good measure before wrapping it ever so creatively.

My husband just passed me on the stairs and said "don't wear so much perfume, they hate perfume at the winery."


So now, I will not only be thinking of how fat I am but also about how strongly fantastic I smell and I will cringe when she opens her perfumed filled scarf box!


Time to put on a happy face and enjoy myself!

1. Not decorating for Christmas does not make the season go away. If anything, it makes it a bit more empty.

2. Go to Boston every year from now on. It is wintry and Christmasy there, it is not either of those things here in California.

3. Make exciting plans that interest and inspire instead of being non-active.

4. Overstock.com was an excellent way to do my Christmas shopping and the shipping costs ($1) were unbeatable.

5. It is always good to have made extra scarves or gift baskets for those people who suddenly need a gift.

6. It is more depressing going through the holidays heavier than ever, try to lose weight before the festivities begin. It is a bitch to run into people at holiday functions and be preoccupied with how tight my clothes are or how bloated I feel. Being heavier makes me self absorbed and I don't pay attention to other things outside of myself enough.

7. People could give a shit if I have gained 10 pounds.

8. People are not thinking the whole time they are talking to me about how much weight I have put on.

9. Better still to feel and look fantastic than feel fat.

10. All I want for Christmas is an IVF - just one more, until that one fails and fills me with so much hope because I came so close, then just another please. It may never end, that line that I draw that keeps getting moved.


Most of all, adore and love my lovely M. who is magnificent and brave and strong and remember that he is sad too. He has done so much and I don't acknowledge his pain enough. Even though he doesn't wear it on his sleeve like me, he is hurting too. Love him and be kind to him.

Julianna, be even more kind to yourself. Love yourself and pat that little girl inside of you on the back and hug her more. She has a rough time sometimes and tell her how proud you are of her. It is okay if she is fatter than usual.


Be Nice!

"13 Teachings of Rabbi Y'srael Salanter"

TRUTH - Do not say anything unless you know in your heart that it is true.

ALERTNESS - A minute is too precious to waste. Time must be properly utilized.

DILIGENCE - Decide what needs to be done, then do it enthusiastically and well.

RESPECT - Honor every person. He may not be your friend but he is a human being.

PEACE OF MIND - Be calm and composed and let it show in everything you do.

GENTLENESS - Wise men speak gently. Develop the habit and you will find yourself being listened to.

CLEANLINESS - Respect your body and clothing. Keep them clean.

PATIENCE - Whatever happens, often it will be unpleasant - accept it with calm and patience.

ORDERLINESS - Make your willpower the master of your time. Plan, organize, and follow through.

HUMILITY - You are not perfect. Recognize your weaknesses. Ignore the faults of others.

RIGHTEOUSNESS - Always do the right thing, plain and simple, what moral law demands and more.

THRIFT - Every penny should be spent carefully. Money can do too much to be wasted.

SILENCE - Choose your words carefully. Don't talk unless you have something worthwhile to say.

Apparently, I am hard to take.

I think I fester about things that bother me and then once I get the courage to speak my mind, my tongue is like a machete.

So, Miss Kathy called me again last night and said that instead of me taking the twin 6 year old girls, she would rather I adopt the 2 year old little girl. She had so many people responding that she was trying to divvy the children out differently.

I don't know.

Perhaps I should have just had some grace and kept my pretty mouth shut but I just couldn't stop myself.


"I must tell you that I have had some reservations regarding the best way to handle your request. It is very important for me to know how the gifts will be distributed to the children and I strongly disagree with any notion of the mother distributing the gifts to her brood as if she is the provider."

"Oh no, Santa will be delivering the presents."

"I just don't agree with rewarding this kind of behavior and I just keep reminding myself it is all about the children."

"I have a lot of people wanting to help now so if you don't want to adopt one of the children, it is okay."

"It is not that I don't want to adopt one of the children, it just gives me some pause." Me, wanting to tell this lady what a shit year I have had trying to get just one little baby of my own.

"So, you'll take the two year old girl?"

"Yes, okay. I thought of getting mainly books when it was the 6 year old twins, maybe I can find a great pop up book I recently heard about, plus some clothes."

"They don't need books, they need toys."

"No, this book was on "Regis and Kelly" and was touted as a great book for young children, it looked awesome."

"Whatever you decide." Kathy was ready to get off the phone.

"Okay, I'll see you Thursday morning with the gifts." I said, thinking how annoying all of this has become.



FAST FORWARD:


Message on answering machine when I got home tonight:

"Julianna, this is Kathy and I just wanted to let you know that you don't need to bother with helping out the children. Thank you anyway."








WTF????????

Unfortunately, I answered the phone today, around noon.

"Julianna?"

"yes"

"Hi, this is Kathy and I was given your phone number from the Chamber Of Commerce and I was told that you may be able to help me. I know a family who is in dire need this Christmas season. I have a neighbor with nine children, aged 11 years to 6 months. The children have different fathers and the mother is not able to get by on her own, they are on food stamps and extremely poor. The mother is currently 5 months pregnant with her tenth child and is not able to provide for her children. I was told that you may be interested in adopting one of the children."

"The baby?"

"Whichever one you want. I need people to adopt each child, so whichever one you want."

"Well, I need to speak with my husband, this is rather sudden, I am speechless."

"Ohhhhhhh, no.......I don't mean adopt adopt, I mean adopt as in giving presents for Christmas to whichever child you choose."

"oooooooooohhhhhhhhh, of course."

After my first failed IVF, I found myself heart-smashed at a depth I had never experienced in my life. I just couldn't get myself up. I never considered that IVF may not work.

All of our tests were perfect and I kept telling myself "there is no reason it won't work". I was even so arrogant that I told anyone I came in contact with about my pending pregnancy.

When you finally make the decision to take it to the nuclear level, you can't consider the negatives, or at least I couldn't. I knew that IVF is what I needed and I was excited.

Take the excitement up in a hot air ballon and then crash that motherfucker as fast and hard as you can - that was me. In crumbled bits and confused.

I couldn't move and breathing was a bonus the first few days, I was completely paralyzed and after day 3 I finally got online to research "failed IVF", "rescue ICSI", "8 celled embryos", "PGD success rates", "percentage of people fucked up forever because of trying IVF"......etc. etc. etc...


I use an awesome search engine called "Copernic" (google is only a small part of the search engines so you get immeasurable answers to your queries).

The words chez and miscarriage kept coming up in my searches.


"That is so not funny" I thought.

"Who in the world is making light of miscarriages".

"What in the hell kind of meta tags does this person have to keep appearing in my painful searches".

"Okay, so very not funny, what in the hell is so chez about miscarriage".

I finally clicked on the link, reluctantly. I did not want to read about some ass making light of women having miscarriages.


This was in August of this year, I had never heard of blogs and actually was pronouncing it "blogue". I was lying on my sofa and started laughing. It took me a while to figure out that to read at the beginning, you have to go to the end, so I went to her beginning and started reading.

One of the funniest things ever posted in the blog world is here.

I spent the better part of an afternoon reading her story and for the first time, I felt lighter, I could see myself moving on and I got the strength to stand up on my own two feet and I even managed a smile.


I didn't understand the blog logistics, I was just reading her diary. Having no idea that she was getting tons of emails, I wrote to her. Probably more like, I sobbed to her. She wrote me back immediately and said something to the effect "I know where you are, stay there as long as you need and when you are ready, there will be people here to help you get up".


Most of you who read here already know getupgrrl but for those of you who don't, she is a brilliant writer and an amazing woman who has been undergoing fertility treatments for years and she has been through hell and back.


She is going through hell again at the moment. After finding out that due to DES, she has a t-shaped uterus that was never able to take a baby to term. All of her IVF's and pregnancies were doomed for failure, she has just completed an IVF cycle with a surrogate. Grrl's eggs (great response) and her husband's sperm (what a trouper!) produced excellent blastocysts which even passed the rigorous PGD screening and two beautiful blasts were placed in her gestational surrogate (Sarah) who promptly became pregnant with twins. That was several weeks ago.

Now, Sarah is bleeding. Things are scary.

I could hardly handle my own selfish little baby drama so I am not capable of understanding the depths of anxiety after taking it to that kind of nuclear level. They have been through so much, everything couldn't have been better this time, they need intervention.

I believe in prayers and anyone who is willing, if you could send a little wish or hope or prayer for grrl and her family, they need it right now.

It is not up to us to decide who gets what in life, and life is not fair sometimes but sometimes life is wonderful and miracles can and do happen every day.


Praying for your miracle grrl.

I am trying to watch my language. I have washed my mouth with soap, for now. FOR NOW. I am not making any promises.

ohhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,it's hard not to curse so much.


So, my thoughts lately resonate around and about my fate. I had no idea my life would become this .........this...........hellish fight.


I find myself fighting for a child and I am bitter when I see others take reproduction for granted. Why do I have to struggle, fight, scream and cry for such a natural event.


I was prepared when I first met my husband to leave him on the third date when he said that he wasn't sure about children.

"You and I are not headed down the same road. I know I want a family. There is no reason to keep dating when we are clearly not on the same path." I said matter-of-factly.

"I never said I don't want children, I am just stating that I never thought much about it." He said to cover his ass (oops.......bottom).

"Children are not negotiable for me." I said.



I never considered that we should have taken this conversation further.......like...........

"Okay, what if we can't get pregnant easily, what are you willing to do?"

"If we can't have a child in a year, are you agreeable with IUI (intrauterine insemination)?"

"After five IUI's fail, will you consider IVF?"

"If our first $20,000.00 IVF fails, how would you feel about another?"

"When the ever so promising IVF #2 fails, will you let me do IVF#3?"

"Will you allow me to keep going and going and going until my ovaries are ruined?"


Those are the questions I wish I had asked because now I am stuck with a man who has been a trouper through IVF#2 but who is now at a stop sign. I want him to go. I want him to give me more.

He has given so much, so very much more than he ever imagined and yet, I need him to give me more. At least, one more chance.


I know he sees no stop button for me.



I would ruin my ovaries and uterus to have a child.



I so desperately want what is so easy for so many others.

Lake Tahoe is beautiful. I just wish my husband had been with me. I really missed him. I am usually so glad to be out among the living but last night, I was just glad to come home.



Unfortunately, we had made prior arrangements to meet friends for dinner and I had to meet everyone (including my husband) at the restaurant. There was no time to go home and change from my pink "Lake Tahoe" sweater, black winter pants, ugly Uggs and my hair in a high pony tail. Everyone else was dressed appropriately. I was so very happy to see my husband that I found it difficult to concentrate on anyone else. I saw and heard them but I was not really listening. I just wanted to go home, take a shower, and have some peace.



Before my very eyes, the conversation went from the three couples discussing going to Europe in a year, to actually deciding the itinerary and a brainstorming session of who wanted to go where and what month would be best (Spring or Fall) and I found myself nodding and smiling and getting wrapped up in the moment. Italy (Lake Como), Greece (Isles), and adding in wine tasting (Rhone region). Somehow, I felt disconnected but hey, I like to travel, I have a hard time getting my husband to commit to a vacation and it all sounded so fantastic.



It wasn't until I was back in my car, driving home, that I realized the reason for my angst.



I should have been racing home from dinner to see my children, I should have had to relieve my babysitter, I should have never been able to go to Lake Tahoe with girlfriends because of my children or child or at the very least, because of my pregnancy.


I am going to call my friends today and inform them that my lovely M. and I will not be going to Europe with them. I will not be a part of the next meeting and I will not be researching on the internet all the who's what's and where's of Lake Como, the Greek Isles, and the Rhone region of France.



Those places will always be there for me. I want a child. I want a baby. I want to be a mother.



I told M. when we got home and settled that I didn't want to go on the trip. That I can't go on that trip. If I keep planning that trip, that means that I am completely giving up on my babies. To be able to go on that trip, means that I failed at becoming a mother. If I am beebopping around Europe in the Fall of 2005 or the Spring of 2006, that means that I never got pregnant. I am not going to plan for that failure.



My husband looked at me with caring, sad eyes. I knew in his look that he has given up on our children. He is very brilliant and very logical and he knows it is extremely unlikely that we will ever have our own child. He gives me the gift of letting Hope stay in our home.



Hope is not the bitch, Surrender is.



I feel so under the gun.



I can't stop trying.


I can't stop crying.

I have not even been home with my husband for two weeks and I have already submitted a trip for his approval to Lake Tahoe with girlfriends. This weekend. Tomorrow. Thursday through Sunday.

I have missed my husband and enjoyed spending the past week with him but I mean really, I have never been to Lake Tahoe, the weather is awesome right now, he has a lot of work to do and could use the time alone............I just want to go.

I want to go to Lake Tahoe whether I had been spending every waking hour for the past year with my husband or if I just got back in town a few days ago. I WANT TO GO!

He said "okay" without a hesitation. He thought it would be good for me.




Huh???

What!!!!

Is he having an affair?

Why does he suddenly support my travels umpteen weeks in a row?

HMMMMMMMMMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...........


Oohhhhhhhhhhh, just kidding, I trust my husband mindlessly. I never thought I could get to this point in my life. I am so absolutely adored and I so absolutely adore him back. It is quite lovely. I am very blessed.



So, I am off to Lake Tahoe and my good wishes are for everyone to get wonderful news in blogdom and I hope.......that I return with no broken bones.




I told my magnificent husband that I am feeling so fat. I gained 8 pounds in two weeks when I was back home for Thanksgiving. I didn't know that was possible - to gain 8 pounds in 2 weeks!! YIKES! I told my lovely other half that I was concerned about fitting into my ski clothes, that I may be uncomfortable and I may be so fat that I can't ski like I think I can, moderate, down the blue runs kind of skier that I am, I am afraid I will be a tangled mess at the chair lift at the bottom of the bunny slop.



My lovely M. said, "What are you talking about! You'll ski better! Fat goes fast!".

He really did say that.

I really did not take offense.

Gironemo!!!!

I want to audition for the "Starting Over" house.

My dear husband said that I am crazy and I don't need it to be publicly displayed on national television. I am capable of spilling the beans of my broken infertile body and seeking the answers of how to truly start over if I can never get pregnant. I am very good at peeling the layers of myself to reveal the deep down honest ugliness that lingers at my core.

For those of you who are too sophisticated to watch daytime crap television, "Starting Over" is a reality show about several therapists working on six women who live in a beautiful home together for about eight weeks. You witness major transformations and can also be a fly on the wall to other people's breakdowns and delight in the fact that you really are normal.


Honestly, I would love to go on that show but moving away from my husband for 8 weeks and thus having two months of absolutely no hope of getting miraculously pregnant are what stop me from really going for it, that, and the fact that I have no video camera to record my audition.

I can see it now. I will be rooming with a 20 year old girl who is trying to deal with her unwanted pregnancy because the therapists will have thought that we would learn ohh so much from each other and I will sit at the daily group sessions only interested when my turn will come so that I can purge my soul and at night, I will dream of strangling the girl in my room or perhaps, I will convince her of giving me her little unwanted baby because I am just so deserving of being a mother and she isn't.

My graduation will occur only after the women have surrounded me and convinced me that it is useless, that my eggs are useless, that my uterus will never house a baby. I am to swear off OPK kits or anything resembling monitoring an ovulation cycle and I will no longer live my life around my menstrual clock.

Come to think of it, I don't want to go there.

I will just have to start my own self over when the time comes.

I am told I need to pray about my situation.

So, why doesn't God want me to have children?

I know why.

I am dying.

I will be dead in a few years, and as family and friends view my body in my casket, they will speak of how the Lord knew what He was doing in not allowing me to ever have a baby.

It would be such a terrible fate to have their mother die so young.



This does not sit well with my loved ones when I answer their consoling "everything works out for the best", "God has a plan", "the Lord knows best", "trust in the Lord".

For some reason, they gasp when I tell them that I have figured out why I cannot get pregnant.

If it is truly meant to be that I not have children, there is only one reason that makes sense.

I am doomed to death soon.

I could survive a divorce with my children.

I could survive the death of my husband with my children.

I am not saying that it would not be difficult, but what would be impossible is if I died young, and my husband was left with small children. Most likely, they would need to live with one of my sisters. Not that my dear husband would be a bad father, he is just not capable of being a mother also and he would know that my children would need a good mother.

So, if all of this is truly the Lord's will, I know why.

May God bless my soul.

I wish I didn't know what I know.

I wish I could skip along in this big wonderful world and not pause.

I pause at things that most people bounce over in life.

I never had a "now we will start a family" and it happen as it should.

I never had a positive pregnancy test that came with an anticipated happy end.

I am taken aback at normal conversations.

If I hear someone announce "we are going to start a family now", I pause.

When I hear someone announce "it's time for our little Johnny to have a sibling", I stop.

I backstep when I hear someone blissfully announce when their baby will be born and how the nursery will look.

My sister had my nephew 3 months premature. He weighed 1 pound and 9 ounces. He looked like a little bird in a nest. Saying "it changes your life" is an understatement. The world stops turning and nothing else matters. My brother-in-law had to get back to work so I moved to be with my sister to take her to and from the hospital every day for 4 months until he was finally able to come home. I sat in that little labor waiting room, surrounded by blissful families who had normal deliveries and births. It was very difficult to witness so many people skipping. Day in and day out, my sister sat and massaged and talked to her son. Only parents and grandparents were allowed in the NICU, so I could only occasionally see his isolete through the glass if he was close enough. One time the doctor allowed me to scrub up and go in and it was the first time in my life that I felt my soul extend, trying to comfort this little fragile being with all my might. Words mean nothing. I had the sense that it is possible to surround someone with love in an unexplainable manner. My nephew is miraculously fine, with the exception of scars near his nipples where the chest tubes were and teeny, tiny scars all over his wrists and ankles, he is an amazingly normal 16 year old.

I was with my sister when the blissfully pregnant Julia Roberts was interviewed on the Oprah Winfrey show. Julia had no pause, no stop, no backstep. I discussed this with my sister who said, "let her have that", "let her have that naive bliss", "how wonderful it would be to not be ruined forever by simple, normal everyday things".

It made me think a bit about how I am ruined.

I am ruined of ignorant bliss.

Luckily, I had a very busy day at work today so I was able to avoid TBW like the plague.

I dodged her antics just before lunch by feigning hunger and my need for nourishment immediately and quickly bolted out the door.

At the end of the day, she came into my room and said she needed to tell me what happened with her IVF. She said that her doctor was shocked that she was not pregnant and guaranteed that she would get pregnant by IVF #3 and that she had an 80% chance of IVF#2 succeeding.

I told her that I was shocked she wasn't pregnant, that I thought her doctor said she had an 80% chance of getting pregnant after she had 6 fertilized eggs. I also told her how impressed I was that her doctor guaranteed a positive result by IVF#3 and asked how the guarantee works, "does he give you your money back?". TBW said that she may have misunderstood her doctor, that maybe he didn't really say that.

TBW proceeded to show me her ass. She has been getting PIO injections in her bum for the past 2 weeks and assumed I had received the same. I was lucky enough to have been prescribed 3 progesterone vaginal capsules daily and was spared the painful intramuscular progesterone in oil injections during the 2 week wait.

She had 4 beautiful bruises with knots underneath the skin and one in particular, in which she begged me to rub and feel, was the size of a golf ball on her size zero hip.

Forgive me, I thought I was above this, but sometimes, you have to just take what is given to you and I just couldn't resist.

I told TBW that she needed to rub the bruises and knots to help them breakdown. I told her that it would be painful, but she needed to break the knotty bruises down by vigorous massage. My boss came into my room about that time and I exhibited the correct way to massage and break down the painful, bruised knots on TBW's still bare ass and even suggested he use his knuckles (she did have a nice pair of beautiful silk black thong panties).

I know. I should be ashamed of myself.