Finding the Next
Trying to Breathe Effortlessly After Infertility
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After The Dream Fails
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

I am completely overwhelmed with the continued support that I receive from the magnificent people out there in the blog world. I suppose a one year update is in order, and no, there are no miracles over here at Julianna’s abode.

The worst years of my life were when I was undergoing infertility treatments and so, in that, I want to thank everyone again who held my hand along the way during that very difficult time, I will always be eternally grateful for all of the love and support from so many people around the world. Perhaps, it is because I was always so lucky in life that my fertility failures wobbled my world so much. My core beliefs have changed, I now know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I cannot always get what I want, no matter how much I try and how hard I fight. Having a family is such a core desire and one that I never thought would tumble my life.

Even as a small child, I knew that my life’s desire and happiness revolved around a family. I loved my baby dolls and couldn’t wait to be old enough to baby-sit. My mother was the youngest of nine children and I always loved that huge family dynamic, at family reunions, it is not uncommon for 150-200 blood relatives to attend. I adore huge families. I even chose my college major because dental hygiene was one of the only careers that paid a good sum of money and allowed for a 1-2 day work week when I did have children. I knew that I always wanted my children to spend more time at home with me, than at a daycare center. That was the major factor in my decision to choose my career at the age of eighteen.

All I ever wanted in my life was to be a mother.

When we didn’t get pregnant in our first year of marriage, I really felt that if we tried hard enough, went to the best doctors, had the most aggressive treatment, kept at it, we would succeed. After enduring numerous procedures and spending well over a hundred thousand dollars, I finally had to wave the proverbial white flag.

I suppose I have gone through many of the steps of recovery: anger, denial, depression, resentment but it’s not like what I thought, I find all of the steps to be like a continuing escalator and although I may have stepped off of one, it will come around again.

I ride the waves better now and my lows are shorter in duration. I am finding ways to jump off that step when I happen upon it.

My mother used to always tell me that “an idle mind is the devil’s workshop” - that comes from the Bible somewhere so it is not her original quote but we heard it over and over and over again growing up.

I have been keeping busy and I have been getting happier. I find that I am much more sad when I have an idle mind.

I joined a golf course and have been actively playing and improving my golf game. I am a pigeon-toed, clumsy, un-athletic, prissy woman who can somehow, miraculously, drive the ball 200-240 yards. My short game is getting much better and thus, my handicap is improving. I am a happy person 90% of the time I am on a golf course.

I am very active with our local winegrower’s association and have been on the board of a local tourism, hospitality and culinary foundation that provides scholarships and fund raiser’s for youth. Most of my days are rich with assignments and meetings and as much as it becomes stressful and hectic sometimes, I am forever grateful for the lack of an idle mind. In order to continue to stay away from that ever-revolving depression escalator step, I know that I must keep busy.

So, I am doing well. I am still trying to come to grips with “never being a mother” and that failure still saddens me on a daily basis. Honestly, what gripes me the most is when I hear of all of the famous actresses who are pregnant later in life, the statement seems to be that “they sought fertility treatments” and thus, they succeeded. They beam, they glow, they are beautiful and they feel so blessed - where are the women who sought treatment and failed? Sometimes, I feel like I am the only person in the world who is left childless after aggressive and numerous treatments.

I still have my empty nursery room that is chock full of all of the nephew hand-me-downs and baby books. I can’t seem to do anything about it, even after all this time.

All in all, I am lucky. I am extremely blessed and very healthy and have a wonderful, loving family and so, for that, I am eternally grateful. Sometimes, I feel like slapping myself when I get down or sad because so many people have had much more difficult mountains to climb.

In all this time, I still cannot imagine how someone goes on after losing a child. If they can carry on, then surely, so can I.

The joy of my life is my adorable little Sophia Loren Scarlett O’Hara:


Yes, I am “one of those” obnoxious pet owners.


Sophie is a delight and a sweet little angel pie. My flickr account is chock full of her pictures and I am forever bragging about her prowess. She will never take the place of a child, but she has helped me with my desire to be a mother.

In other news, I entered some of my oil paintings in the fair. I was nervous regarding the certain embarrassment and failure exposed but I forced myself to be vulnerable. Imagine my complete surprise when every single painting that I entered won an award.


My “bowl of cherries” painting won the coveted “Best Originality” award which encompassed all of the fine arts (including professionals) and all of the photography and sculpture submissions. I was beyond ecstatic, humbled and overwhelmed. My sunflowers won for “best floral” which also included professionals.


I am now working on a large painting of a country porch with rocking chairs WORK IN PROGRESS!:


So, I have plenty to keep me busy. Plenty to be proud of and even more to be grateful for in my life.

I am learning to focus on my blessings and in so doing, I am coming to realize that my happiness revolves around my ability to appreciate all of the positive and the good in my life. I will always fear that sadness and failure escalator step but am forever hopeful that I can have the strength to step off in a timely manner when it is sure to round the bend. Through my husband, I am forever grateful for a sense of humor - he makes me laugh and he gets me like no one else on this earth.

Thank you again for all of your amazing support and I truly hope that all of your lives are rich with health and happiness.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Jan 26 2008 4:16 PM Updated: Sun, Apr 6 2008 1:40 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Still Searching
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

It was a year ago that my final IVF failed miserably and left me in the gutter of despair. I changed the name of my blog to “Finding The Next” in the hopes of coming to some sort of resolution with my sad state of affairs.

I have learned to try to roll with the punches, to be a good sport, to look on the bright side and appreciate what I do have but it still does not make the broken bits of my heart go away. I ache for a family and am coming to realize that I need to adjust to my fate. Of course, I still pray for a miracle but am more aware of another plan that I have resisted. I have learned that no matter how hard I try or wish or meditate or fight, some things are just not meant to be and are out of my control.

I really used to think that I could succeed at anything if I put my mind to it and tried hard enough. I have learned a very ugly lesson these past few years, to never give up does not guarantee success. I am much more jaded now. Truth be told, deep inside of me, at my core, I am still bitter about everything that I went through and the past several years have been the worst of my life.

Why is it when IVF is featured on television, it always works? Hell, a couple will get two good embryos and get pregnant with twins. They never show the women who produce eggs a fish would envy with fortunes wasted for one failed cycle after another. When you go to interview with an RE, he tells you that your chances are 20% and even that leaves the patient with false hope. I remember thinking that of course it will work for me, I never heard of it NOT working. I suppose no one likes a loser and that is why stories are only written about the successes. If 80% of IVFs fail, fair and balanced reporting is in order. A friend of mine is getting ready to start her first IVF and is asking tons of questions and she has that “I know it will work for ME” innocence that every novice enjoys. I get the feeling that she really thinks that I am somehow damaged goods, they just never found the cause, and she will be different. Good for her that she knows me, because everyone I know in real life who suffers from infertility does indeed get pregnant, and it usually happens with the IUI or clomid cycle just before IVF and then they go on to have two more children. I should start selling little bags of fertility good luck charms…hmm….perhaps a lavender sachet that I have spit in…kidding……………..kind of.

I don’t know how people survive the loss of a child. The emptiness and sadness that I feel for my imaginary child, that fairy tale life where I change my babies diapers and teach him how to walk and he learns to anticipate the garage door indicating his father’s arrival and the excitement that would follow and even the teenage years and college and grandchildren and holidays when I am old. Every vision I have had of myself since I was a small child has been altered by my lack of ability to have children. I cannot imagine feeling that loss with the tangible experience of being a mother. My heroes are the women who survive that kind of real loss and are able to carry on. Surely, I can buck up and have a productive life after the loss of my imaginary children.

I am hell-bent on being a happy, healthy person and am climbing that ladder with a vengeance.

I smile more, I ohh and ahh at babies again and I sense a lightness that I hope keeps getting brighter.

I still adore not working and have been volunteering. The battered women’s shelter was too depressing for me. I felt that I was in a dark gutter and subjecting myself to horrible events that did absolutely nothing for my mental health. My psyche suffered which surprised me. I really thought I would feel better about myself and my life by being involved in that way but I couldn’t have been more wrong. My last miserable job was roses and lilies compared to the way I felt working at the shelter. It was awful for everyone involved and because I am no Mother Teresa, I now volunteer for the local winegrower’s association and am much happier there, no surprise! They even want me to become president and I leave those meetings feeling excited and motivated. There is a huge function coming up that I will be heading up and I am rejuvenated and active on a daily basis with many goals and projects to complete. I was proud to volunteer for the battered women’s shelter but it took it’s toll on me, the winegrower’s association suits my needs in a very simple and shallow way. Salute’!

I have lost my IVF weight, I have really blonde locks that I adore and I have a tanned glow to my skin thanks to my new BFF: L’Oreal sun bronzer. I finally feel like I look better and more alive. I have been redecorating my house, doing intensive spring cleaning and I also bought a new wardrobe. I still love oil painting and I am getting back into yoga again. I miss playing golf and now that the weather is getting gorgeous, I am hopeful to get out on the course soon.

I have spent so much time away from my computer and my blog friends. There were so many times the past two years that I spent way too much time on the internet. I really do believe in the blog addiction theories but there is also a camaraderie here that I would have never experienced had it not been for the generosity of so many bloggers out there in cyberspace. I feel a bit of guilt for my absence but I really needed to get out amoung the living in real life and I hope that I have not hurt too many feelings by pulling away in this way. I suppose people go out with a bang or a whimper. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all of the tremendous support and I hope to still stay in contact and even update occasionally. I find myself wondering about people who I used to read and are gone now, I wonder how they are, what their life is like and if they are happy and I treasure being able to catch up on the people who are still blogging.

All I have to blog about these days is my new look, my new furniture, oil painting, wine functions and my travels to the South which give the illusion that I am “GREAT!” and I’m really not, I’m managing okay but I have a long way to go before I would consider myself healed. I am still looking for my next and hold onto the pipe dream that somehow, someway, someday, I will get a miracle.

In the meantime, I will continue to put one foot in front of the other and soldier on.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Mar 13 2007 9:56 AM Updated: Tue, Mar 13 2007 1:56 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Greatest Gift
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

My cousin and his wife are fun and funny. They never wanted children and they have a great life. They seem to have been able to grab life by the horns and ride it well. Tonight, at dinner, we were discussing our most treasured gift. Our guests both agreed that their recent purchase of a second home (a condo in a beach resort area near Charleston) was their best and most favorite gift to each other.

I had a difficult time naming one gift so I said my wedding ring (which I lost two years ago and have yet to replace) and then I mentioned the ipod M gave me for value and daily use and then I thought of so many other things that I treasure and it soon became difficult to really name just one so I just went on and on and on.

It was then my husbands turn to name his favorite gift and I expected him to opt out of the conversation.

We have a family game called “high/low” and when we are on vacation or have guests, we will often take turns naming one low and one high of the day. We end with the highs to keep it on a positive note but believe it or not, the lows are generally the most enlightening. Like when my sister and her friend were here, one night while playing “high/low” I said that the low of my day was when I was ugly to my sister in the elevator of a San Francisco hotel because she wasn’t “mashing the floor button fast enough” and so it was a good way for me to acknowledge my bitchiness and apologize and she said that her low of the day was the same incident and I embarrassed her in front of a man who was standing beside her in the elevator and I made her feel stupid. To my defense, we had to use a key card to get to a certain floor and she had exactly one floor’s distance to insert the key card and get access to the floor, she was waiting for everyone to enter the elevator and the door to close before she inserted the card and pressed the button, hardly enough time for one floor’s distance. At the end of the day, we both had acknowledged the reality of the day and made the appropriate apologies and moved forward.

M hates the high/low game and usually rolls his eyes and doesn’t participate so I was expecting the same reaction when his turn came at dinner to name his most treasured gift.

He was last so he had plenty of time to come up with something if he chose to participate. I was fully expecting him to say he wasn’t going to play and then we would then all move on to another topic.

Color me shocked when M began speaking…

“The greatest gift that I have ever received is when Julianna tried so hard for us to have a family”

I would have expected something like that had it ever worked, if we had succeeded in having children, it would be predictable…”the greatest gift was our children” but I never, ever expected to hear that my effort to have children is the greatest gift.

For me, the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to me is my repeated attempts at IVF and the subsequent failures that resulted. If it had worked, it would have been the most wonderful thing but it didn’t so it doesn’t and it sucks.

My high for the day and the week and the year and most possibly my life is my husband. He will never read this and never really understand how profound his statement was tonight.

I so adore him for being with me and supporting me in my journey to have a child even though I failed miserably.

He is my granite and the love of my life.

Tonight, at this very moment, I am lacking nothing.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Feb 7 2007 8:49 PM Updated: Wed, Feb 7 2007 9:56 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Room At The Inn
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

One of the best things about living in such a wonderful place is that I get visitors who are in a good mood and full of anticipation for the Julianna Marathon Vacation Tour. My sister and her dear friend recently left and faster than I could change out the bed linens and clean the guest bathroom, my cousin and his wife have arrived from the East coast. They are here for a well known golf tournament at Pebb1e Beach so it is likely that I will be carving a path to and fro the golf course for the coming week. No sooner than that ends does my girlfriend from Los Angeles come for a long awaited visit so I don’t know how long I will be out amoung the living and not inside the computer.

In other news, it ends up that my doctor did speak to a group of hospital big wigs and the heads, they did roll. I got two phone calls - one from the head of the emergency room department and the other from the CEO of the hospital, both men were extremely apologetic and expressed their outrage at my care. I am feeling more like my old self again and for that, I am grateful.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and emails. I do look forward to catching up with the many blogs I have missed for so very long.

I hope all is well with all of you.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Feb 4 2007 9:15 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Love On The Internet
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I have had the pleasure of meeting some very fine women in real life after corresponding through our infertility blogs. The few times that I have met bloggers in person, I was always nervous. It is so very odd to know someone so intimately and not know who they are on the street.

So many of us have shared our innermost fears and anxiety and unbearable heartbreak to strangers through our blogs. I know that I have been comforted in ways that I never imagined by people who were with me through whatever journey I had just endured.

There is one person who not only read and comforted me through my infertility hell journey but she was almost always on the road with me. I think we had three IVFs almost at the exact same time and shockingly, we kept having the same dreadful outcome. My infertility was unexplained and of course, age was a factor because when “they don’t know, it’s the old” but Amanda was in her twenties. She had a diagnosis that IVF should have cured. She responded well to the medications and always got nice looking embryos, much like me. As much as my failures devastated me, I didn’t know how Amanda stood it. It should have worked for them, if not the first time, definitely the second time.

I remember when her husband changed jobs and they were struggling financially like most young couples enduring infertility and Amanda had to drive several hours to and from her RE’s office, they had just moved and her RE was in her previous hometown. There was a terrible storm and flooding and I remember Amanda blogging about being scared to drive back and forth but she had to do it. She was afraid of getting caught in the storm and she needed to see her doctor again two days later, if Amanda made it to her RE’s office okay, she really needed to spend the night in a hotel so she could be sure to keep the following days appointments. Anyone who has experienced IVF treatments knows there is never an option of rescheduling an appointment. Amanda had to be able to see her doctor during that storm, come hell or high water. I believe this was Amanda’s last treatment, hell, she had so many IVFs, I can’t keep them all straight.

Anyway, I did a very tacky thing. My heart hurt for her so much, I felt like I would if my sister was in a bind. I wanted to help. I sent Amanda an email through paypal and asked her to please accept it as a gift and stay in a hotel, I couldn’t imagine her getting there in that storm and turning around and driving back again. She returned the email and said that she could not accept and that she would be okay. My husband travels a ton and we have thousands and thousands of Hy@tt points so I asked if there was a Hy@tt near her doctor, there would be no money exchanging, just stupid hotel points. Amanda refused. She did end up staying in a hotel and she was fine. I hope I didn’t insult her by offering to help, I just love her. I really do love her.

Amanda is the one of the kindest, gentlest souls on the internet. After her seventh and final try, Amanda finally got pregnant. She has been holding her breath, scared to death, afraid of the darkness that only that kind of heartbreak can bring and she has hung in there. I am so very proud of her and my heart is exploding with happiness and anticipation at the thought of her finally bringing home her baby.

If I was ever in Texas and had the chance to meet Amanda, I think I would be a sobbing, blubbering bumbling fool. My IVF sister.

Amanda is in the hospital today, she is being induced and she is all I can think about.

I pray that she will bring that baby home and everyone will be okay. She is so scared and I am scared for her. Women have babies every day but women like Amanda don’t so this is a very special day.

Her husband will update her blog when he can.

Sweet, sweet Amanda. I wish I could hold your hand.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Jan 10 2007 12:41 PM Updated: Wed, Jan 10 2007 7:05 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Fifth Fundamental Force Of Nature
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I have learned that the holiday season is a terrible time to fall ill and I am so very grateful for having a day like yesterday where I felt no pain and I had a normal temperature for the first time in ages.

Thank you for your lovely emails and kind words after “the terrible incident”.

Even I begin to sigh and get lost at the ridiculousness of the emergency room clusterfuck (thank you Susan for my new favourite word).

I have seen four different doctors this week and they seem to all agree that the cyst was filled with bloody, gelatin-like ick and my body is fighting to get rid of it. I am on heavy duty antibiotics and an anti-inflammatory which is really messing with my wine consumption. The bottle says my stomach may bleed if I drink alcohol and well, that would not be good.

On Friday, my OB/GYN wanted me to come into his office for another ultrasound and BP/temperature check. He asked me about my emergency room visit while he was preparing the wand. He is very active on their board and I can only assume that he asked because they are having problems at the local hospital. I was laying on the table naked with a sheet of paper covering my bits and a condom draped wand readying for action which is probably the least likely vision I had of myself spilling the clusterfuck beans.

I surprised myself by suddenly becoming so overwhelmed with the fuckiness of the clusters of clusterfucks that I just said, “you don’t really want to know“.

(going for a record here with my NFW -new favourite word)

He said that he did want to know and I said it was such a long, drawn out, ridiculous, hard-to-believe story.

After the exam (fluid still present/diminishing - BP starting to stabilize - temperature normal - see me in 2 weeks - continue meds as prescribed), he asked me to get dressed and come into his office. He pulled a little yellow post-it from it’s holder on his desk and wrote a number 1 and circled it and said, “Okay, tell me about the emergency room“.

Well, I’m looking at his little sticky note and all I could think about was how I was having a difficult time organizing my thoughts on a single piece of typed business paper and he was expecting to get the gist on a post-it note? There was a sense of dread that surprised me and I just wanted to say “oh, nothing” and go home. Really. It does get so very ridiculous and I just pictured myself looking like a crazy ass for trying to remember everything and I knew I needed to say it in such a way that it was credible and not emotional and dramatic.

He encouraged me, saying, “I really want to know everything.”.

So, I started with triage idiot nurse and her views of IVF and “find a baby in a dumpster” comment and how I just tried to ignore her. She was from Tennessee, that is all I knew - unfortunately people like her give people like me a bad name - country bumpkin and all.

The doctor didn’t seem to be too surprised and then wrote a number 2 and circled it. I told him about the morphine and no check for 40 minutes and my BP was skyrocketing. Still, no reaction, he just wrote abbreviations and notes.

Well, then something happened. I got lost in that night and those moments and I said everything step by step by step. He kept with his circled numbers and kept grabbing more post-its and sticking one on top of the previous one until he had about five stickies on my chart.

He seemed most outraged at the amount of medications in a short period of time and commented that the hallway nurse probably didn’t write that injection down in my chart immediately and the male nurse didn’t ask or know that she had given me an injection of pain medicine and he probably didn’t believe me when I said a nurse gave me a shot in the hallway. Obviously, the nurses didn’t write my latest blood pressures either so the doctor didn’t know, that, or God forbid, he didn’t read my chart.

I told Dr. RunningOutOfPostitNotes that I was scared to go home that night. I knew I wasn’t stable and was afraid that I would do something dreadful like blow up and die.

He told me, “It always comes down to survival and that it is another lesson in no matter where you are, always trust your instincts and it always comes down to the fact that you are always ultimately responsible for your own survival.“.

How many nurses would I have let come into that room and give me shots? How many would my husband have allowed? It reminds me of that old experiment with the “lab coat researchers” who got participants to administer lethal doses of electricity to strangers on the other side of a wall. I should have looked after myself better. I’d like to think M. would not have allowed another cluster of fucks but hell, we did get dressed and go home for me to die so who knows. We both knew that I was hardly stable.

So, I lived.

I am woman hear me roar.

Looking at the notes of fuck ups pile up on my chart on my doctor’s desk, I said, “oh yeah. They sent me home with my radiology report. My husband read it to me when he put me in bed. Enlarged uterus, No fetal pole, no heartbeat………I grabbed my report, wondering why they didn’t tell me I was having a miscarriage and then I saw the name Maria S….o at the top of the page“.

My doctor looked at me extremely perplexed. He wasn’t writing notes anymore, he was just looking into my eyes. He had to have seen that I was completely serious because he stood up immediately and started walking out his door and I was only left to follow, he said “That’s it! I don’t want to hear anymore.”

I kept a steady pace two feet behind him and said “that poor lady was in the emergency room the same time I was...”

He turned and looked outraged “She probably went home thinking she had a ruptured ovarian cyst. That’s enough. I mean it. I don’t want to hear anymore.”

I thought of the famous Jack Nicholson line “You can’t handle the truth!!!” after being chided to spill his beans.

Further proof of my theory that there is only so much that one can comprehend.

I’d like to call it the Clusterfuck Theory.

To review:

The four fundamental forces of nature are:

1. Gravity - the force due to mass

2. Strong- the force that binds the nuclei together

3. Weak- the force that dictates radioactive decay

4. Electromagnetic- the force due to electromagnetic charge

I would like to submit for approval a fifth fundamental force of nature:

Clusterfuck- The force that causes matter to break down due to its fucked upedness




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jan 7 2007 1:51 PM Updated: Sun, Jan 7 2007 7:03 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
An Autopsy May Be What Reveals The Truth
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Paris was lovely, the emergency room was not.

My dear husband surprised me with a new set of luggage to be opened immediately and then presented me with airline tickets and our agenda for the coming weeks. He was going to France on a business trip the week before Christmas and arranged for me to accompany him. I would have thought my first blog entry would be about comings and goings and pictures of the Champs-Elysées lit up for holidays. But alas. My digital camera erased every single picture when I changed the batteries - nice. Very nice. At least I have the memories in my mind and I am even more appreciative of the opportunity for such a lovely trip should I die of unknown causes.

I would love to say that I am glad that my ovary decided to rupture upon my return to the United States, but given my horrendous medical care in the emergency room, I would have been better off in a foreign country in which I did not speak the native tongue.

My husband tells me that the entire emergency room staff hated me towards the end of my stay and demanded my immediate departure, in spite of me telling them that I was hardly stable. They didn’t care.

I must preface this by saying that I am still groggy, they gave me enough narcotics to kill an elephant and in spite of that, I was still conscious enough to keep calling them on their incompetence. If not for my husband being my witness, I would have truly thought I was going insane because of being gaslit so much.

It started with stabbing, sharp pains in the area of my left ovary in the middle of the night. I was startled awake several times and thought that perhaps I had twisted my ovary while sleeping on my side. Oh, why the hell not. It sounded reasonable at the time and I took some motrin when I woke up. The stabs increased with frequency throughout the day and of course at 5:15 p.m., just after my doctor’s office had closed, I decided it was time to seek medical attention. My temperature was almost 100 and the motrin was no longer putting a dent in the stabbing pains. If not for the pause between stabs, I would have been unconscious.

I checked into the emergency room without much ado and was immediately sent to the triage nurse who ended up being the biggest idiot on the planet but hey, I needed to be nice because, after all, my life was in her hands and I do sometimes know when to shut up.

I have to warn medical staff of my low blood pressure because it averages 100/60 and can sometimes go lower - a reading of 95/50 would not be too unusual for me. Even before all of IVF treatments and egg retrievals, they checked my history of low blood pressure and usually remarked about it.

Imagine my surprise when the triage nurse asked how long I have had high blood pressure - acting as if she did not hear a word of my LOW blood pressure warning.

“I have LOW blood pressure. Not High” I responded, thinking she misunderstood me.
“You have High blood pressure”, “It’s 147/110“, she said.

“Well, that’s impossible. I’ve never had high blood pressure in my life“, I said.
“You’re probably just nervous. Scared we’ll put you in the stirrups and someone you don’t know will be examining you.” she said.
“No, I’m not nervous. I have undergone four IVFs in less than five years and have had many strangers looking at me through the stirrups” I said.
“You’re probably nervous“, she said again as if I spoke to no one there.

I then repeated about my multiple medical visits and surgical procedures that never revealed a high blood pressure reading. I wanted her to take that seriously, I wanted to prove to her that something was very wrong. I wanted her to believe me.

She then went into some bullshit tirade about how ridiculous it is that people do so many IVFs when they could just adopt a baby and I swear to all that is holy that that lady told me to go to a dumpster, that I could probably find a baby that someone disposed of in a dumpster.

Like I said, I felt she was my window to help and I shut my mouth. I may have even managed a fake smile.

She immediately put me in a room - this room had doors, not curtains like most ER rooms. She said it was the OB room and she got my husband so that he could be with me. M. does not do drama and is really very quiet. When the nurse left I told M. what a fucking idiot she was and that she told me to go find a baby in a dumpster. He looked at me as if he didn’t believe me. Like, perhaps, I was delusional. HA! He soon would witness far worse and was my reality check amoungst all of the unbelievable events that followed.

The doctor came in and seemed nice enough. He said they would run a panel and order an ultrasound and he mentioned an ectopic pregnancy or ruptured ovarian cyst. I told him that with five years of infertility and no pregnancy, “an ectopic would be highly unlikely and frankly, it would be a huge pisser“. He was not amused. He said that he would order a shot of morphine for the pain.

Triage idiot nurse gave my shot of morphine at 17 after the hour, I watched those minutes ticking on the wall clock, wondering when I would get relief. I told M. that I was getting sleepy but my pain was still very intense.

A new shift female nurse came into the room at 10 till the hour and took my blood pressure. It was 180/120 and I started to cry. I told her that something was terribly wrong and that I was groggy but I was still feeling the stabs and my blood pressure rising was really scaring me. She said that I should have been getting relief from the morphine and would give me something else. She left the blood pressure cuff on and my husband watched it fluctuate between 188/128 to 175/119. She said my high blood pressure was because of the pain.

The ultrasound tech came into my room to roll me to the ultrasound/radiation area of the hospital. M. followed and the new shift nurse came and asked for us to stop so she could give me another injection in the hallway before the ultrasound tests. She said that I would be asleep when I returned to the ER.

I am told that I was entertaining myself during the ultrasound. When the U/S tech asked for my birthdate, I followed it with a resounding “IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD” and because I thought that was so funny, I kept repeating dramatically “IN THE YEAR OF OUR LORD!“. Apparently, I am the only one who found me amusing.

When I returned to my walled ER room, a male nurse came in and gave me another shot. When my husband asked what it was for, he said for pain. I told him that I had just received a shot in the hallway and he looked at me as if I was making it up.

This was followed by the new shift nurse coming into my room 10 minutes later and asking me if the shot had taken effect. I told her that the last shot had just been administered and although I was groggy and having a difficult time speaking, I was still very much feeling the stabbing pains. She said that she was the last person who gave me a shot and that was 30 minutes ago. I told her that a male nurse came into the room, he gave me a shot. She said “no, no male nurse gave you a shot“……..

Thank you sweet Jesus that my husband was with me and my sane witness. He said that a male nurse had indeed just given me a shot.

Obviously, they missed each other in the communication and although I could not speak clearly, I documented my stabbing pain by putting my hand in the air and pinching my thumb and index/middle finger as if a lobster claw to indicate the times I was feeling the stabs. I remember wishing I had a clicker. M. said that I kept saying that even though I may not be able to speak, it doesn’t mean I am no longer in pain. I said that they just wanted me to shut up about the pain, that’s what the shots were for.

The doctor came into the room and said that an ovarian cyst had ruptured, my abdominal cavity had fluid, most likely blood and the inflammation from that is what was causing the pain and he said that I could go home.

I told him that I was hardly stable, my pain had not decreased in spite of massive doses of pain medicine and that my blood pressure is steadily sky rocketing. He said that I don’t have high blood pressure.

I looked over at my husband. He told the doctor that I did have high blood pressure. The doctor said 147/110 is not really considered high and when M said it was up into the 180’s, the doctor rolled his eyes and said he would order another BP check. The male nurse came in with an attitude and took my final blood pressure that was onefiftysomething/oneteensomething.

The doctor returned with the female nurse and said that I was being discharged and she began stripping my gurney. I told the doctor that I was afraid that I would go home and blow up. He said I wouldn’t and I haven’t, so I suppose, he was right in that.

I’ll probably regret writing all of this. I don’t feel like spell checking etc…

I will offer as proof, in case I die of an overdose, the discharge slip with the shots that were administered:



Morphine
Demerol
Phenergin (sp?)
Teradol (sp?)

Oh yeah. Upon arriving home to blow the fuck up, my husband was reading my discharge notes. He asked what a fetal pole was 8 weeks gestation. Still, in my drunken haze, I knew that something was terribly wrong. This is what they sent home with me, my radiology report:



You can click it and enlarge it if you wish. It really is quite amusing.

Because we never got that far, my husband never heard of “fetal pole”, you’d think reading “no heartbeat” would have clued him in.

I grabbed the piece of paper and read it, not believing my eyes and really, wondering if I had finally lost my mind.

Then I noticed the name at the top of the radiology page, “Maria S….o”

They sent us home with someone else’s results.

Fuckin’ people. I tell ya.

It’s a wonder I’m still alive.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Dec 29 2006 5:21 PM Updated: Fri, Dec 29 2006 9:40 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I’m A Leavin’… On A Je……
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

A very quick “Happy Holidays” to everyone in the blog world.

See you after the new year!




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Dec 14 2006 10:52 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Yeah….But My House Is Clean
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

I am still deep in the throws of trying to finish my painting escapade. This is the first time that I have painted an entire furnished house and it will be the last. I suppose I should say “I had people paint” because it took a crew of eight men four days to finish. I hope to have everything back in it’s place by this afternoon so that means I need to think of another project because the holidays are going to suck this year. The “a” word is not looking feasible for more than a few reasons that I cannot go into here - all that I can say is that I will most likely never be a mother.

Sometimes, I just cannot believe that yet another Christmas is coming and I have no child to adore. When I think of what my life would be like had we had children, I feel a deep void and could get very sad if I let myself. It helps to keep busy but sometimes, nothing helps. I was walking the other day and saw the neighborhood children playing with toys and riding Barbie jeeps and G.I.Joe hummers, I wondered what my children would have been like, would I have bought them things like that? One girl really sticks out, she is probably four years old and loves her pink Barbie jeep, it seems so decadent, but seeing how much that little girl adores driving that little jeep around and around on their cul-de-sac, I would have probably bought one for a child of mine.

When I think of our children, I always imagine them as adorable, smart, funny and fulfilling. I imagine baby years and adolescence and college and grandchildren. It is always rosy and peachy and perfect. In that fairytale, my husband and I are overwhelmed with gratefulness and ooze of happiness - we glow.

Instead of visualizing a prissy little adorable blonde daughter and a super bright little boy, I think it may help me cope this holiday if I think of how having children can be a nightmare.

Going on a show like “Changing Spouses” would be great for me. If I swapped with a family with ridiculously bratty children, I would come back to my quiet home a much more grateful person. I can picture the split screen, me going crazy with a house full of hellions and their mother being bored to tears in my silent house. Better yet, perhaps she would never want to leave my house and she would give me feedback about how thankful I should be for my like-new freshly painted walls because they will most likely stay that way for years.

It also might help me cope if I start to google things like “children who ruined their parent’s lives”, “siblings who went on to ruin the world”, “children who grew up to be murderers”, “children who murdered their parents”, “children who murdered their grandparents” …. ohhhh………..i don’t know…………..i’m sure i can come up with some others but the murderous thoughts bring me the greatest comfort.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Dec 10 2006 10:34 AM Updated: Sun, Dec 10 2006 11:48 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
B. V. A.
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

I am deep in the throws of getting quotes from painters and door people to finally do some much needed renovations. Funny that every single construction worker who has come in here seems to think that they are also an interior designer. The last people on the street that I would pull aside to ask for decorating advice would be construction looking men. I want my walls painted the color that I picked and I want the french doors that I said I wanted. I’ve waited four years for this green light, I’ve had plenty of time to contemplate my choices.

I am getting every single wall in this house painted which means that I might as well move. My husband’s only request is that I get all of this done when he is on a business trip. Next week is D week - when he gets back in town, not only will every wall be painted, there is a very good chance that the furniture will be rearranged which is sure to send him over the edge. He doesn’t do change well. Let’s be real, he doesn’t do change at all.

My husband is starting to worry about what this house will look like when he returns.

When he commented about my dreadful manicure and pedicure, I told him that I was trying out the new wall color on my nails to see if it suits me.

Be Very Afraid.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Dec 1 2006 10:24 AM Updated: Fri, Dec 15 2006 10:03 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Holiday Gift Idea Exchange
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

‘Tis the season to be shopping…….. fa la la la la…..la la…..la…..la somebodyshootme la la… la……la

I absolutely suck at buying gifts. Really, I do.

In the hopes of getting some ideas from the lovely people who happen upon my blog, I would like to offer a gift idea exchange. I will list my favorite items that I use or have used (some of them FREE) and would adore to hear about your favorites.

Because I often feel that I am giving useless gifts, I am going to list items that I still enjoy or that I still enjoy giving. Unfortunately, I am tapped out of any other ideas and that is where I am hoping that you will come in. Please share your favorite gift ideas (if on your blog, please provide the link) - Thank you!

NUMBER ONE:

This item has changed my life …………. drum roll please………..



yep…….that’s right. It’s a stove top smoker. It can also go into an oven, on a grill or on hot coals. I often take cooking classes from a lovely woman who has a television program and one of the classes featured this cooker. She smoked salmon, pork, chicken and vegetables. This smoker comes with different flavors of wood chips, I now buy apple wood chips that can be purchased from most stores that sell grills. The food is delicious, easy to cook and the clean up is easy. Hints: put foil on the drip plate for easy clean up, put a tablespoon’s worth of wood chips under drip pan (it doesn’t take much wood!) and cover on high until it starts to smoke - place food on grate and close - turn down to medium - leave it alone - do not turn or open frequently - after about 20 minutes, check for doneness - cooking time is longer because it is being smoked, not grilled - salmon (skin side down) takes about 25 minutes, pork loin about 35 minutes and chicken breasts about 35 minutes - depending on thickness, of course. You will have delicious, healthy no fuss meals. Target has them for sale ($50) - much cheaper than what I paid for mine - here is the link.

NUMBER TWO:



Tassimo Beverage Set. This does make great tasting coffee and tea, it is perfect for single use and even reception areas. I do have some beefs - the coffee discs are very expensive - the amount of coffee is minimal (I like large cups of coffee) - the cappuccino tastes good but the idea of fake milk makes my stomach ill. I have had my machine for over a year and it is perfect when guests come (they can choose from different flavors) and it is great for parties or gatherings - very easy to use. Target has them for sale ($130 which is much less expensive than ours) - here is the link.

NUMBER THREE:

IPOD. They cost $130 and up and can be purchased almost anywhere. Old news I am sure, but I do still love my ipod. I was thinking that a good gift idea for someone who loves their ipod is if itunes has gift certificates - $20 could buy at least four of someone’s favorite songs. I just thought of that and because I am on a roll, I can’t go check it out right now. Itunes should offer gift certificates if they don’t already.

NUMBER FOUR:



(Note to self: must make this description short…..must not go on and on…..) I worked as a dental hygienist for more years than I care to remember and spent much of that time in a perio office (gum disease) so I know a little bit about electric toothbrushes. Sonicare is outstanding. Far superior than anything else - their technology is different and patented - no other toothbrush is like it, regardless of their “sonic” claims. The newest Sonicares have an angled neck and smaller bristle head - use with LIGHT pressure - keep brush completely still at gumline - after a few seconds move head to adjacent teeth - light pressure and not back and forth brushing - let the brush do the work. Two minute timer is usually enough time to get to all of the teeth (inside gumline and out - don’t forget gumline on bottom front teeth)….okay, I’ll stop preaching. Target also has these for sale ($89 and $119 for the one with the traveling case) there are two heads that are color coded so two people can use it - here is the link.

NUMBER FIVE:



While I am on a dental roll, I might as well mention tooth whitening. Target also has these for sale and any whitening bleach that is for sale is going to be safe as long as you USE IT SPARINGLY. People use WAY too much bleach - only use on front teeth, who cares if molars are whiter, and don’t get on the gumline - teeth are sensitive at the gumline if you have any recession - try to keep bleach on top 2/3 of teeth - bleach will last longer. Target has this set for $15 which is a great deal, here is the link.

NUMBER SIX:



Please indulge me, when I first learned of Riedel glasses, it was in a class being offered by the same lovely lady that I mentioned under item one. I thought it was rubbish at first, the idea that wines need to be drunk from the proper glass but after a blind taste with these glasses, it truly did make a huge difference. Now, at that time (3+ years ago), the Riedel glasses cost $30 - $100 EACH and to own one was a splurge, especially the way that I break things. They have wonderful decanters and a huge selection of specialty glasses and their port glasses are like no other. Imagine my surprise when I saw Riedel glasses at Target. A set of four and even decanter sets are $40 and less - granted, I am certain the quality is not as fine as the one’s we used to purchase, but they are still very lovely for the wine connoisseur and will be much adored and appreciated. For less than $40 A SET! I still can’t believe it. Here is the link.

NUMBER SEVEN:



I love, Love, LOVE this online store. They have gift baskets for any occasion and even offer a kosher selection as well as spa packages. This is my all time favorite stand by for last minute gifts, they ship promptly. Gifts range from $19 and up - here is the link.

NUMBER EIGHT:

Now for the FREE stuff! My cousin put together a little booklet of family recipes and I still treasure it. I have another girlfriend who puts her most popular recipes on beautiful paper, trimmed with scrapbooking scissors and a little magnet strip on the back. The side of my refrigerator is beautiful with her recipes that I have received over the years.

NUMBER NINE:

My husband’s favorite gift from me is a list of treasured memories. Some people do it for the number of years together but since that would only be five in our case, I chose his age. I listed my fondest memories with him and read them out loud. I put on his present “To M, For Julianna to open” - he still has it on his desk.

I look forward to reading your gift ideas.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Nov 24 2006 12:04 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Back In One Piece
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Lo and behold, no accidents befell me.

I had a magnificent three weeks with my family. I spent hours and hours helping my sister with her new office and then spent the weekends rescuing my nephew from that evil, dark place that is known as his college. I realized that there is a limit to which I can emotionally absorb and after that, I just flip a mental switch and ignore the reality of my surroundings. I suppose it is fight or flight. I have resorted to responding to those surroundings as if I am watching a movie. My nephew and his friends are still ever so grateful for the getaway car and the hotel room reprieve. They are not allowed to leave campus for overnights and if they do get some hours on the weekend, they must remain in uniform and are still subject to scrutiny if walking the streets of Charleston so a hotel suite with an efficiency kitchen and food and soda and a suitcase full of normal civilian clothes is Utopia for them.

They still tell their stories dramatically, performing as if in a skit - each of them is so busy living their fresh hell behind the gate that they are eager to share their experiences with each other in the sanctity of the hotel room, bouncing off one crazy event after another and there is no shortage of them topping each other.

I must say that the Friday parades are awesome, 2,000 plus students in uniform who march in unison and look like toy soldiers. It is a huge tourist attraction and every day tour buses full of foreigners glare out of their window to witness the prisoner looking knobs walking the gutter. Knobs are not allowed to speak or stop and must walk so many paces a minute - they must about-face for every turn and while in their barracks, they have to “drive” - elbows tight on body, arms bent at a sharp angle and they must ask permission to pass every upper classman up the four flights of stairs to the knob floor. Sometimes, it can take over an hour to simply drive the stairs to get to their room.

One boy has to keep a certain junebug alive - it is his duty to keep the bug comfortable (he had to build a house for it) and he must constantly prove the bugs health and alertness by retrieving the bug when ordered which, of course, involves driving the stairs yet again to his room, presenting the bug and then returning it to it’s home which often makes him tardy - needless to say, the boy is dreading the day that bug dies. Who knows what the upperclassmen sadists will do when they are presented with a bug in rigor mortis. The knob’s clever mother was able to find some back-ups - I hope the bug passes at a time when she can smuggle the stand-in to her son.

Most of the knobs hate all the tour buses and tourists, they feel like they are on display at a zoo. Some tour bus drivers explain the fourth class system whilst driving through the campus which results in the knobs being stared at even more… my nephew’s friend likes to mouth “HELP ME…….. H E L P …. …….M E ! ….” to concerned faces as the buses pass by - of course, if an upperclassman ever catches him doing that, he will be in huge trouble. For those that don’t go crazy, their humour is what sustains them.

I wish I was good with words so that I could explain why people still go to the Cit@del. I used to think that it is a southern thing and most specifically, a South Carolina thing. I think that part of the accolade they receive is because they made it through their knob year and a difficult environment in order to get their college degree. There is a 100% employment rate for graduating seniors - those that aren’t working after graduation, didn’t want to work. Only a small percentage (I think 30%?) go on to a military career. I have noticed that the knobs from out of state (the yankees) do generally desire a military career after their college education (one of my nephews friends wants to be a Navy Seal and the Cit@del was the only place that offered his major and another wants to be a helicopter pilot). For the rest of their lives, they will be part of an esteemed society for those that wear the ring. I did meet the author of “Prince 0f Tides” and “L0rds 0f Discipline” - he was signing books at the campus and when I asked him to sign a copy for my nephew, he asked what year he would graduate. I said, “2010″ and Mr. C0nroy said “he’s a knob? it is horrible……… h orr i ble………..knob year is horrible“, he then signed the book, “To Knob LastName ‘10………… who will wear the ring………….P@t Conr0y ‘67”

It is surreal that so many years later, that barbaric class system is still thriving. For those that don’t understand, it is probably more insane that students still actually apply to attend that college. The line heard over and over and over again is: “he will be set for life if he makes it through“, as my girlfriend says, “he’ll be set for life if he goes to Berkley or Stanford“. I don’t really know what made my nephew choose that institution, I think he had a good friend that went there and it intrigued him.

Okay, on to happier things!

I can’t believe I am writing so much. I have a ton of stuff to do - most importantly, I need to unpack my suitcase to hopefully re-pack a smaller version. My lovely husband has been away on business as I was back in my homeland harboring knobs and painting walls. He is off work this week so we are trying to plan an impromptu Thanksgiving wine tasting trip which means that I will be on the road again.

My sister and I were never able to get it together enough to hold the open houses for her new business. There are still so many loose ends (internet connection, website, thus email address for business cards etc…etc…etc…) Not to mention, the murals.

An interiour designer friend of my sister’s helped pick out and place some murals. One mural was small and only fit in the center of a wall and looked unfinished - they were thinking of framing it out and another mural came from Germany and needed a certain glue adhesive and because they didn’t read the instructions, the ocean scene looked like ripped thin tissue and whales and fish and turtles had missing parts or tails in other areas. It looked horrible.

Even though I have never painted murals, I said that I would try to help. The worst thing that could happen is they would still be ruined.



This room was named after a little girl named Jerry who passed away several years ago. She loved the water, swimming and taking baths so her mother picked out this mural for “Jerry’s Journey” room. This is the one that was a complete disaster - the mural was like tissue paper with rips and very uneven seams, most of the fish were broken up - tails not lined up etc… I wish I had a before picture - I was surprised that I was able to paint it with acrylic paints to this finished product. The top part of the mural did not go to the ceiling so I extended the sky to the crown molding - these were 10 foot ceilings - I almost killed myself falling off the ladder twice. I painted some fish on adjacent walls and painted a dark sky with horizon line after Jerry’s mother requested that I add more to the rest of the room to bring it all together.

Please remember, this was not my creation. I merely copied colors and figures from the original artists design.





Perhaps the next time I go back, I will paint the water around the room and add more fish - I only had time to finish off the sky on the other walls. Jerry’s mother was very pleased so that is all that matters.

The next room is named after a little boy who passed away last year - his name was Ethan. His mother picked out this mural because it had a ladybug in it and Ethan loved ladybugs. After he passed away, she saw ladybugs regularly and felt that her son was letting her know he was okay. Ethan had severe special needs but his passing was sudden and unexpected. I still remember my sister being so emotional after she got the news. He was a very special boy who touched many lives.

The mural for Ethan’s room was small, if you look closely, you can see where I extended it for the whole wall.



Ethan’s mother was very emotional when she saw the mural but after seeing Jerry’s room, she asked if I could paint another mushroom and pointed to where she thought it would look nice. I also suggested that I could paint some ladybugs around and she said that would be very meaningful for her family.



I was surprised and disappointed that it took me most of a day to paint another mushroom on the adjacent wall, I was hoping to have time for more grass and flowers but that would have led to flowers and grass and mushrooms around the entire room - it gets out of hand after awhile.



I painted some ladybugs on the knobs of this piece of furniture and barely had time to put the final glaze over the mural before traveling back to California.

It was about 11:00 p.m. when my sister and I got back to her house after my final day of marathon painting/glazing/finishing. We were both exhausted and I still needed to pack my suitcase before heading to bed. I was telling my sister that I hoped that Ethan’s mother liked his room and that I just didn’t have time to add more on the other walls. My sister offered me a glass of wine and I plopped myself on her sofa and said that I would relax for a few minutes. As she was bringing my glass of chardonnay, she noticed something covering bits of her carpet near some french doors in her living room. She walked over to see what it was and started to cry.

There were more than thirty ladybugs spread out in a wide enough area to make their presence known. Had there just been one or a few, we would never have noticed them. She has never, ever had a ladybug in her house before that night.

I guess Ethan liked his room.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Nov 21 2006 11:24 AM Updated: Wed, Nov 22 2006 11:32 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Temple Of Womb
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

I am filled with dread and anxiety as I get set to board my flight to travel across the country. Thankfully, I don’t let the fear of death and dying stop me from living so I will get on that plane and I will try to contain myself. It won’t be until I surrender to the thoughts of doom that I will finally start to feel better.

My husband travels all the time. It must be nice to be anxiety free. If we were strangers and happened to sit next to each other on a plane, I have a strong feeling that he would be annoyed by me. I don’t care how loud my music is and I will fiddle with papers and puzzles and ask for more wine and I may go to the restroom a few times and I might even try to strike up a conversation to get my mind off of myself. Yes, I’m quite sure that he would be irritated by a stranger like me.

I am not sure that I will be able to post while I am away so I hope that everyone has a lovely next 3 weeks and should I make it back alive, I may post more pictures of my travels. I did promise to publish my current paintings and my progress to date, so I leave you with my art gallery. I have much to learn and mountains to climb. My last private art lesson was wonderful, my teacher is brilliant with oils and she lets me be me. She told me that creativity comes from the chakra that is the womb, it is where creation begins and thus where creativity emanates. Needless to say, that could be disastrous for me.

I cannot take my first painting to my sister - it just got it’s final glaze and is not ready to be signed or framed for at least 3 months. I will be working on a mural for her so I hope that will be suffice.



This is the best picture that I could get because the final glaze was so wet, I got terrible glares:



The next painting is my sugar dish. I learned a great deal while painting this little canvas. First of all, I will never paint another still life while outside without any reference photo. The sun moves so fast that the shadows and colors turn before I can capture it and then I get a mess. I also had difficulties with so many aspects but that is fine. I needed to make this mistake:



This is what Oliver thinks of it:


The next painting that I completed is my first still life set up. I wanted to paint the inside of an apple to see if I could do it and I also wanted a painting with a tablecloth set that was a wedding gift and because I am clever and I do learn from my mistakes, I took pictures and good thing! because the cut bit rotted at an alarming rate:

12 hours after being cut this is what the apple looked like:


The set up photographed:


My painting:



I took out the back bit because it was distracting and not needed - and also, because I could.

This is what I am working on now. This is just my initial attempt to capture values (lights and darks), this will be dry enough when (if) I get back in town and then I can really start on the details. This is nowhere near to being completed - definite work in progress:



I hope it will be what I want it to be when it is completed.

This is my inspiration:


Slideshow of paintings in progress can be found here

Thank you for visiting.

I told my lovely husband that I will miss him and that I hope that I see him again. He already knows that I want my ashes divided into three different lots and I have given him instructions for the dust that used to be me. I did add another spin tonight and told him that I have the perfect song for him to play at my funeral and I wanted him to listen to it and write it down. That was a bit much and he said that I was crazy and that I would be fine. I wrote down the song anyway, just in case.

This is it. A youtube version that I adore http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEm-rQkGZMw .

It would be perfect for us. Especially the line “I wanted to be the father of your child”….ohhhh

If a conservative looking woman happens to be sitting next to you on the plane and if she is listening to too loud ghetto fabulous music on her ipod and then it grows silent and you see that she is suddenly crying, that would be me, when James B1unt’s “G00dbye My L0ver” is playing.

I hope to see you on the other side.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Oct 30 2006 7:59 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Full Assembly Required
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I got my hair done yesterday and I really adore my new hairdresser. I love having a good cut and color. Sometimes, natural is overrated and when it comes to my hair, well, I bow to the foil.

So, my hair is done, my nails are next and I did purchase some new outfits and am down almost a stone in weight - hip hip hooorahhhh! Pity that I will be seeing people that I haven’t seen in years and their first thought will probably be about how much weight I have gained - little do they know! ha

I have my last private art lesson in a couple of hours and because I have been painting every single day, I need a U’Haul to take my canvases. I suppose I will spend more time today discussing my mistakes than actually putting oils to canvas. I do so adore my teacher, she is so loving and supportive - it’s like she understands that insecure little girl inside of me and encourages her to be bold and brave. Fearless. She wanted me to “paint, paint, paint!” and have many paintings going on at the same time and by damn, that is what I did. Some are very unfinished because I have no clue what to do next so today should be incredibly educational. I may post some of what I have been doing to get over my fear of rejection and failure - believe it or not, it actually helps me get over my fears to post pictures here because if I can do it in a sometimes hostile environment, then I can do it anywhere. I need to get to where I am not worried about being judged - when it comes to my art, I desperately need tough skin.

I have a new friend. His name is Greg. He works at the company that makes the Carolina Easel that almost sent me over the edge last week. Because sometimes I just need to vent and I feel better when I do, I sent an email to the easel company to let them know how insanely ridiculous their assembly instructions were and because I didn’t think that anyone would really ever read it, or care for that matter, I explained in great detail how much easier it would have been for me to spot a maple tree, chop it down, engineer my own easel design and build my own than to spend two days trying to figure out their sorry excuse for assembly instructions.

Color me surprised when I got a clever email from Greg, apologizing for the atrocious instructions and that they were working on re-writing the nonsense and that he would walk me through any issues that I was having and help me finish it. Sometimes, the instructions had the parts laying on the floor and described “facing up, facing down” etc… and sometimes it meant from the floors perspective and other times it meant when it is in the vertical standing position. It also had me using the wrong size screws so that my center mast has about 6 mm of screws that came through the front which made it impossible to put the canvas holder on and because the purpose of an easel, last I heard, is to hold canvases and this particular one raved about being able to be adjusted, well, I’d say that it is important to be able to put the canvas holder on the easel.

There was a part that wasn’t even listed or mentioned - I came up with a purpose for it and Greg agreed with my recommendation. Because I spent two days and ohhhh, I don’t know…….I read the instructions about 1,834 times and I know all of the parts enough to identify them blindfolded, Greg asked me to help him identify areas of confusion. I told him that it might me good to change the bold faced title of the page “CHEK ALL PARTS”. So, Greg is sending me a new easel. Isn’t that nice! Seeings as how I stripped every screw hole and made the wooden dowels whittled down to thin remnants of their former fat selves, and Lord only knows what else is wrong with it, I think I could use a fresh start. I actually think that I could win an assembly contest when I get my new easel……….I can name that tune in…… or, I can put that piece of shit together in 30 minutes.

Greg was funny and witty and charming. My husband thinks that the guy is probably just placating me and really could give a crap about my woes. It was nice to get validated by Greg. Isn’t that sad, I was going crazy trying to put that damn thing together and because some stranger said “you are right. you have a reason to be frustrated. this is awful” - I felt better.

I did manage to get it together and just in time because I am going to start a painting of some sunflowers and the canvas is huge. Here is my work in progress on the easel from hell:



There is nothing more boring than reading assembly instructions.

I’m quite certain that a blog entry about assembly instructions is right up there.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Oct 27 2006 7:31 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Pass The Kool-Aid
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I just saw on “Geraldo At Large” that Chris Rock’s mother is claiming discrimination against Cracker Barrel in South Carolina because of poor service.

Remember the pictures of the food from my last trip back there? That was at the Cracker Barrel. They have great southern dishes like fried chicken livers and fried catfish and fried okra and hell, almost anything you could ever want is on their menu.

So, color me shocked when Chris Rock’s mother was filmed at the same Cracker Barrel where my food photos were taken.

Apparently, this is getting quite the publicity.

CNN did a story about it: and according to my sister, it is all over the newspapers back there.

Reverend Al Sharpton is even involved in the discrimination case and is being interviewed everywhere about the incident.

When I was at the Cracker Barrel a month ago with my mother and sister, we were seated promptly and our server did get us some tea. After about 15 minutes and not seeing our server again and witnessing a family with small children get seated, order and served by their waitress, I was beginning to wonder what in the hell was going on. Even the girl with the sweet tea was ignoring us!

Finally, our server came to our table and got our order.

Another 20 or 30 minutes went by without seeing our server again and by this time, the family beside us who had come in after us had left and another family was seated and had already ordered and were eating.

Because back there it is so very rude to be impolite and my mother would never, ever complain or make a fuss, I was trying to be patient.

I was hungry.

When I am starving, I get cranky.

It was so beyond ridiculous and I finally asked for the manager. I said that we had not even seen our server in 30 minutes and pointed to the other tables who had been served ahead of us.

Not that it should matter, but FYI, all three of us were well dressed and polite and in good spirits until this incident.

The manager apologized and said that perhaps our server was on break or there had been a shift change and I could see the manager asking other employees where our server was and if anyone had seen her. Within minutes, our server showed up WITH AN ATTITUDE and asked if we wanted more tea. I said I wanted to eat. FINALLY, we got our food. It was almost an hour after we had been seated.

It would have never, ever occurred to me to assume they were discriminating against us.

Our server was another race, could that be why she didn’t want to serve us?

I don’t suppose Al Sharpton wants to hear about my little experience because it wouldn’t serve his purposes.

Cracker Barrel is in dire need of experienced wait staff but wow, to take it to this level?

I should have asked the manager if this was the day for “black people” or shall I come back another day like Chris’ mother did - but because it is okay for her to say something like that and not me, I didn’t.

Damn, she and I had similar experiences.

She stands to make millions of dollars.

We didn’t even get a free dessert.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Oct 24 2006 12:15 PM Updated: Wed, Oct 25 2006 11:33 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
It’s Not Easy Being Me
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

I spent 36 years of my life being self sufficient and I would call myself a handy person. Hell, I have even taken out a drop ceiling and installed new light fixtures and several ceiling fans. If I want to fix something, I really feel that I am capable.

I used to say that if I was born a man, I would have been a contractor. Building a home is a bit like seeing a puzzle materialize. I have dug footing before for a house and I am a great drywaller. I was told that women are the best at drywall because they treat it like icing a cake, versus plopping the seams into place and needing to sand so much until it is smoothed.

Once, I got curtains delivered and my husband said that he would hang the curtain rods and because I was so very excited about seeing my master bedroom finally come together, I was anxious to see the final product. After about SIX hours - I am not exaggerating - my husband was finally satisfied with the two pencil marks on the wall that were to be drilled sometime in this millenium before he would even think of putting a screw into the wall. There were about four more curtain rods in the future and about four times as many pencil marks that needed to be achieved. Needless to say, I had to leave the house.

If I want to hang a picture, I put a pushpin in the wall, hang the picture and that is usually suffice. Sometimes, I may need to adjust it once.

My brilliant husband may have his level and his measuring tools that take everything into consideration but what he doesn’t realize is that it really doesn’t matter. If someone walks into my bedroom and sees that the drapes hang 1/2″ lower than another side, well, frankly, they have more issues than my little drapery bits.

Perhaps, sometimes, the earth is not level.

Did anyone ever think of that?

The earth is probably not level.

Sometimes, I wonder about myself.

Like, we live in a golf course community. I adore living here and it is all very nice and good. Because golfers need to be told that damage done to homes or property are the responsibility of the person who is playing golf, there are about A HUNDRED signs to remind golfers of their liability.

I really wish I had a picture - I should have taken a picture but I do think it says where I live so that would probably not be a good idea ………… anyhoo………..you have to trust me here.

The hundred or so signs that someone ordered, someone paid good money for, someone printed, someone delivered, someone reviewed the order and then someone posted each of the signs and NOT ONE PERSON NOTICED THE MISSPELLING:

“You Are Resposible For Damage To Personal Property”

It drives me crazy.

How is it possible that no less than one hundred of those metal signs were ordered, printed, delivered and posted without anyone noticing “resposible“?

How does that happen?

Lord knows, I am not the best at grammar or spelling or writing for that matter, but damn.

Sometimes, I just have to give it up. I have to let it go.

For instance, I put this stuff on my hair after I wash it.

This stuff says to use on sopping wet hair and to not towel dry and to dry normally and not be alarmed by the steam and smoke whilst blow drying said hair. So, I sit there at my make-up mirror and I just know in the core of my being that this is not right, it can’t be. To witness plumes of smoke emitting from my hair in a round brush cannot be good. It must be some big huge experiment like those people who shocked other people with lethal doses of electricity because they were told to do so, “just ignore the signs of despair and crank it up another notch” as I burn my locks.

So, after my drapery ordeal with my amazing husband, I have never, ever, ever, ever, ever asked him to assemble another thing and will not as long as we both shall live.

Color me irritated when I got my new easel and it involved a ridiculous amount of assembling - it actually wanted me to assemble the twenty bits and then disassemble it so that I could then use wood glue for the wooden plugs - I mean really. Who is going to spend hours assembling a piece of furniture to then take it all apart to then glue the wooden plug bits into place so that it is as sturdy as any piece of long lasting furniture.

I just want an easel that I can put a canvas upon and I can stand or sit and it will be steady and it really, really should be no big deal. How much does a canvas weigh? Two pounds?

Why can’t someone write and print easy assembly instructions for something?

Why is that impossible?

Who writes that stuff and who prints it and who tests it to make sure it makes sense?

I think it is just one big joke on us.

I read the full assembly instructions twice, organized my wood parts and screws and dowels and knobs and it says that the first part is extremely important because it is the base of the easel and the rest of the assembly will be much easier after the base has been constructed. It says at least twice that it is “extremely important to follow exact instructions” and there is one part that puts it in bold letters “EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO HAVE KNOBS FACING INWARD” - now, this is the final step for the all important base and frankly, it just doesn’t make sense.

Why would knobs be on the inside of the easel base? How could I ever adjust them when everything else is in place?

I looked at the picture on the box because of course, they couldn’t have decent pictures in the instructions and lo and behold! The picture on the box clearly shows the knobs facing outward! To put them inward would be like putting draw pulls on the inside of draws for goodness sake.

Indulge me here if you’ve made it this far in my rambling vent.

The knobs are shown here, at the bottom - they are clearly facing outward, correct?



That makes sense. Whoever assembled the one in the photo thought so as well and they did as they damn well pleased and put the knobs facing outward like I am going to do.

My husband came over to see what I was moaning about and whilst peering over me as I sat on the floor with tools in hand, he said that I should follow the instructions and especially when it clearly states that it is “Extremely Important That The Knobs Face Inward” and I should ignore the photo. “Put the knobs inward“, he said.

I told him without looking up that “it’s all one big secret experiment to see who will just go along and follow like cattle. I bet there is a researcher sitting in a room somewhere who is holding his side and gasping for air he is laughing so hard“.

My husband walked away and mumbled something that sounded something like “crazy” but I’m sure he wasn’t referring to me.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Oct 23 2006 8:13 AM Updated: Mon, Oct 23 2006 6:49 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Old MacDonald Does Not Live Here
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

The joke was on me at my weigh in. Ohhhh………it was quite hilarious.

I mocked that they would ooooooohhhhhh and awwwwwwwwww over ounces lost and oh .,…..goodness…….it was soooooo funny……….because when I stood on that paper towel covered scale, I HAD GAINED WEIGHT!

It was only 2 ounces which could have been the gum that was in my mouth to stave off the hunger pangs.

Needless to say, I was shocked, stunned, angry, hungry, starving and pissed…. how is it possible to gain 2 ounces with the minimal calories I have been consuming and the miles that I have trod?

I am going to be helping my sister with two open houses for her new business so I have about a week and a half to lose 20 pounds. I had visions of a thinner me greeting everyone……… instead, it will be me in all of my rolled glory.

I remember telling a therapist once about “feeling fat” when he asked what I was feeling at that very moment and he said that most women spend most of their waking moments thinking about their weight. He said that while I am being self conscious about my extra ten pounds, no one else is noticing much because they are too busy thinking about their own rolls. I do like to feel pretty and I don’t like it when I don’t, especially when I will be around people that I haven’t seen in years.

I am sure that I will get over my self-absorbed fat self when I am greeting the parents of all of the special needs children that my sister will be serving. She is opening her own private practice after working for the public school system for 15 years and because she specializes in very young children with special needs, she has had many stumbling blocks as far as accessibility in her new building. Most of them are in wheelchairs and because they are probably not going to stay away from the walls with their wheels, they had to think of a solution for the certain damage - an ingenious interiour designer thought to put Formica up to a chair rail type molding so that all the scuffs can just be wiped off instead of the walls needing to be painted monthly. They say the walls look like marble and it came out beautifully. I can’t wait to see her new office, I am extremely proud of her.

In other news, we have visitors.

Meet Oliver. He looks innocent enough:

It’s not my dog, mind you. It’s my neighbor’s. For some reason, he lost his bloomin’ mind yesterday.

His ball has possessed him and he spent no less than FOUR hours on my deck crying and whining and flipping his ball and slobbering and doing an excellent job of bugging the shit out of me. I wasn’t even able to paint anymore because each brushstroke was filled with the ick of irritation.

Oliver and his ball:


He is two years old, I think he must be going through puberty. I need the services of Caesar, the dog whisperer.

I love animals, but things are getting a bit out of hand. Here are the kittens we helped nurse after they were abandoned by their mother:



I keep cat food out for a gorgeous white cat that loves to visit almost every night:





…and the other night when I heard the dish being slammed around and quite a ruckus was ensuing, I thought Oliver was up to no good, it was way too noisy to be the cat.

It wasn’t Oliver…….



I actually thought that I would scare him when I walked to the sliding glass door (thoroughly smudged and filthy looking thanks to Oliver’s daily peering in for me visits) and then, because my husband was out of town and I knew that he would think that I was exaggerating because well, umm…….he thinks I tend toward the dramatic, I wanted to take a picture. I thought for sure the flash would scare him off, but noooo……….this is actually the second picture that I took - he was really annoyed that I was bothering him.

I didn’t dare open my door.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Oct 15 2006 3:16 PM Updated: Mon, Oct 16 2006 11:29 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
I’m Hungreeee
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

I am four weeks into my diet and it sucks. I’ll find out this afternoon how many ounces I have lost. It is so pathetic that it gets down to that - ohhhh how they cheer and ohhhh and ahhhh over 6 ounces of weight loss. As much as I sacrifice, I want to see and hear POUNDS and STONES lost, not ounces.

My amazing art teacher tells me to paint every day. She says that if she waited to be inspired, she’d never paint. I suppose that is a good analogy with most things. I need to eat right, walk three miles a day and paint every single day, inspiration be damned.

I think that she is infertile as well. I have spent many wonderful hours with her and she has never asked me about my children and has never discussed babies. We have talked about many, many things - just not that. There’s gaydar and now there is infertdar. I never, ever ask someone if they have children - never, ever, ever. If they discuss their children, then fine, but I don’t ask that kind of leading question because deep down, I am afraid that it could be a sore subject for them like it is with me. I suppose this is a common infertile behaviour.

My mother and father and sister didn’t think it was brilliant that I wanted to send a care package to my nephew. They all said “vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord” and because I am obviously not the Lord, then I obviously shouldn’t be doing vengeful deeds. My father even said that it isn’t happening and that my nephew is making it up - gaslight anyone?

I am definitely the only person in my family who doesn’t turn the other cheek. About nine years ago, a car dealership/service center kept trying to fix an oil leak and after about $3,000 and five visits and tons of hours lost and still leaking oil, I took my car to an independent mechanic who said that it was a fifty cent metal clamp on a hose. He replaced the clamp and my car was fixed. I went back to the dealership and spoke with the manager - I had a letter from the mechanic, three months worth of records and receipts. The manager was impossibly rude and crude and basically told me to shove it. This was the only dealership of it’s kind in a two hundred square mile area so people who had that make of car, had to get it serviced there……. I witnessed so many disgruntled patrons the many hours I had to sit there while they were “fixing” my car - their attitude was atrocious. This was in the South where people are usually extremely polite which made it all the more mind boggling to me. I was in the process of buying domain names for a business venture and happened to check their domain - it was available.

I bought theirdealershipname.com and nothing really came of it until three years later, it was a week before I got married and I got a phone call from the owner of the exclusive car dealership. He and his people had somehow tracked me down in California. I was nervous, afraid I was going to be in trouble and when I told M about the whole sordid drama, he told me not to back down. I did nothing illegal. People made tons of money buying and selling domains, I even heard of someone who made a fortune buying state names.com and selling them - same for McD0nalds and other well known names. I knew that I could buy available domain names - I just didn’t know what they would do or try to do to get it back. The car dealership owner kept saying, “how can someone buy someone else’s name” and then he offered to pay me $5,000 for his and his father’s name.com.

I declined.

It wasn’t about the money, it was the principle. They screwed so many people and I figure that they have lost hundreds of thousands of dollars because of people going to the website www.theirdealershipname.com to find “Sorry, this page is under construction” - people don’t know that they have to add the make of the car after theirdealershipname to really get their homepage. I gladly pay the nominal yearly fee to keep that domain.

So, yes. My family knows that I would send the care package, they know it all too well. My husband was the only one who said to go ahead and do it.

Funny that people don’t mess with my husband, yes, funny that. In the words of my sister, “he don’t play“.

Although I refuse to be wrapped up in negativity and deal with the imbeciles of the world, I struggle with turning the other cheek. I have never known cheek turning to stop unwanted behaviour but perhaps, that is just me.

I don’t know why I typed all of this just now. I suppose I am procrastinating going on my walk and painting my next empty canvas.

Must make oneself do unwanted things.

Must make oneself do unwanted things.

Must make oneself do unwanted things.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Oct 11 2006 1:24 PM Updated: Wed, Oct 11 2006 1:31 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
My Name Is Julianna And I’m An Everything….
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

I have become obsessed with my painting. I tackled a huge project and am finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I am very proud of myself for going for what I liked because I still, in spite of the endless hours, adore my inspiration picture. My teacher wants to see me for one private lesson to work on warm and cool colors and then, she said, it will be done.



This is where I am now, I cannot imagine that it will be completed after a two hour private lesson. Secretly, I wonder if she will keep me at her studio all afternoon. Hell, I can’t even finish off the cup and saucer and vase in two hours. She didn’t want me to work on it anymore because oils stay wet for so very long - by Friday, it will be dry enough to finish the warmth and coolness. Who knew that highlighted areas need to be warm and receded areas need to be cool??!! Now, when I look at paintings, I see that everyone knew it but me. Sigh.

Enough of the painting.

I am working and obsessing on it too much, albeit, enthusiastically.

My sister is opening up a private practice in my homeland for special needs children and I am to fly back there for three weeks to help her finish off her office and help prepare for two open houses - one will be public and one will be for professionals. I want to give her this painting for her private office. I hope it comes out well in the end. I am pushing it timewise for it to be dry enough to frame and I don’t know how in the hell I am going to ship it. Surely, I can’t take it on the plane with me.

ENOUGH OF THE PAINTING!!!!!!!!!

This is what it looks like on a wall.

ENOUGH ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jessica is a genius and found the source of the Rickter Scale worm warnings that some people were getting when viewing my lovely blog. Who knew I had parasites!

Sometimes I am in awe of people online. How in the hell did I meet the computer genius Jessica? She is so very young and we probably have nothing in common, other than being in love with physicists/brainiacs. How did I meet the many UK lovelies whom I have grown to love so much? Why is it that I cry at night when I think of some hurting woman who happened upon my blog while surfing for fertility answers and then happened to email me. Why is it that I still remember when I was so incredibly heartbroken after my first IVF failed and while searching online for answers, I kept getting getupgrrl’s blog and I emailed her and she emailed me right back. She was so very busy - I had no idea. She was so very gracious and loving and kind and supportive to me.

There were too many times that I let the ugliness of the internet shadow so much of the good. For every troll, there are thousands of amazing and wonderful people out there. I do still despise the thought of typing and someone is delighting in my journey of pain. Why do people read blogs when they hate the author? I just don’t get it.

Now, for the interesting. If not for my nephew, I would not be an Aunt. I absolutely adore this boy and my heart breaks for him while he is enduring his college journey. I have blogged about it enough, it is weird, difficult to describe……..but he is not like most college freshmen. He is in the land of “L0rds 0f Discipline” and it is surreal. The stories that he tells are unbelievable - truly. I cannot even repeat some of what he has told me. The book and the movie have nothing on reality. I struggle with understanding the mentality of that college - daily, I struggle.

I love that boy. You can bet that every day that I can when I am back there, I will sit on a bench at that campus and hope for a glimpse of him doing his knob walk in the gutter.

He has lost 30 pounds. My nephew didn’t need to lose weight - all knobs look like war camp prisoners by Thanksgiving.

Hmmmmmmmmm………….hold up……………….wait A MINUTE……..

………..

……

Perhaps I should start college. They do let females enroll now and I would be amazing 30 pounds lighter.

I suppose I’m too old to be a knob.

Sorry. I got off track there. I am still doing my diet and after my fourth week check in, I am down eight pounds. Honestly, I would think I would be down more by now as much as I am sacrificing. Geez. And now I will be going back to the land of southern comfort food and I will have to resist shrimp and grits and hash and rice and bar-b-que and fried everythings….not to mention that I am not smoking anymore so that means I will not be able to walk on the dock at my mother’s house and sip on a glass of wine whilst watching carp settle at dusk whilst savoring and flourishing with each and every toke of my light cigarettes…….ohhh……….the thought of it makes me want to inhale carcinogens.

Okay, I am getting WAY off track here.

Back to my nephew.

Anyone who has read my blog regularly knows how much I adore my sweet, sweet mother. Honestly, I don’t think she has ever said anything bad about anyone. If someone was rude to my face when I was younger, my mother would say that “they didn’t mean it” or “you took it the wrong way” or “it’s night and things are always worse at night” - she truly sees the best in everyone and forgives so much rudeness.

The thing is, my sweet mother has one grandchild, my piece of my soul nephew. My sweet, sweet mother sends him daily emails and every other day, she sends him care packages. These care packages have to be in a “size one/A” envelope because that is what fits in his black knob bag. She sends him hard candy and slim jims and sweet notes. When I was back there, she spent $100.00 on cards for him.

My mother had the candy care packages set up in advance and took a month’s worth to a mailing company like mailb0xesetc and she instructed the mail carrier to send the candy/care packages every other day.

Fine…..

Dandy……….

My mother got word to stop all care package shipments.

The upperclassmen have become aware of his slimjimminy goodness and they take his grade one/A packages from his black knobby bag and indulge and mock and savor his food and cards. They read the card outloud and over emphasize the goodiness and flavors of the food gifts.

Of course, one of the main creeds at that institution is that “one should not lie, cheat or steal and they do not tolerate people who do” so they ask the fourth class citizen knob if he would like to share his goodies and of course, he says “Sir. Yes. Sir.”, so then it is called sharing and not stealing and then the upperclassmen make themselves at home and over indulge and become dramatic and leave nothing for the poor knob.

So, long story longer……….. My nephew was told to keep having his family send the care packages so they could “savor in the delights of their wonderfulness” AND he has been given specific instruction to go to the upperclassmen when he receives his care packages so that they can all “delight in the wonderfulness”.

So, I need a recipe for slim jim laxative and hard candy diarrhea assuredness. They can delight in the wonderfulness of my care package.

If I weren’t afraid of being in prison for the rest of my life, I would do it.

So, that’s about it with me………for now.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Oct 4 2006 8:34 PM Updated: Thu, Oct 5 2006 12:55 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
It’s Not Contagious
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

Apparently, my blog is sending certain virus alerts through the roof - I’ve heard it’s quite impressive. I’m told my blog is not ill, nor does it have a fever so although I’d like to say it’s all a figment of the imagination, too many people are writing to me and complaining about my impressive illness. I am at a loss. If anyone has any suggestions or has suffered through such an ailment, I’d appreciate some input for this faux blog flu.

Very well, okay, hopefully, I’ll get it fixed soon.

In the meantime, since most people can’t come here and read, I’ll post my art. Yes, that’s right. My art.

So, I started with a little tray of cherries and then decided to undertake a simple painting of a kitty in a basket.



Well, I don’t particularly like cats and I have a huge block when it comes to painting eyes so I got bored. It took me two hours to paint this and then I was ready to move on.

I needed something that inspired me, something that made me want to paint. It has taken me many hours, every day, all week and I am finally at the point where I can start fine tuning and working on details.



I took pictures of my progress everyday and after sending the flickr links to my family members, I have heard the same thing over and over and over again.

Them:“What in the hell made you pick something so complicated for your first painting?!”

Me: “It’s not my first painting, it’s my second. The silly kitty was my first.”

My Father: “The flowers look good…..”

Me: “You think?! They still need some detail and some leaves but I have to be careful not to make it so crowded.”

My Father: “I meant the ones in your garden. They sure do look healthy”

……………

I have my second class with the local artist tonight. This time, we will be working on an abstract. That doesn’t thrill me, but neither did the thought of cherries and that turned out alright. I may post what I paint just to get over my fear of failure.

I plan on asking the art teacher if she can help me with some private lessons - I am going to take my current work to get some suggestions for the details - I don’t want it to be too worked over - that is the difficulty - knowing when to say “when”.

I have a feeling she is going to ask me the same question, “what in the hell made you pick something so complicated”

In the meantime, I’m going to try it make better before she critiques it tonight. I have only blocked in the cup and glass and white vase so that bugs me right now.

I have a lot to do in a few short hours.

Any help with my computer bird flu would be greatly appreciated. I am told that I am not really sick over here, in spite of McAfee virus sirens.

Can a blog have the bird flu?




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Oct 2 2006 12:10 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Curvacious Learning
By Julianna on Adoption

I get glimpses of my naive IVF self as I embark on this new journey. I am so filled with hope and wonder and positiveness - I think that somehow it will be easier for me, it will work the first time and it will be all worth it in the end. I remember leaving my first RE appointment full of anticipation, I heard about the process and I felt the weight of what I was about to embark, but I truly did think that it would work the first time, I would get over the painful injections and grueling appointments and it would all work out and be ohhhhh….soooooo……worth it.

Of course, five years later, I look back and see the hamster’s Ferris wheel that I had been riding, all for naught.

Truth be told, I am not telling people about the “a” word. One of the attorneys that I interviewed actually told me to not talk about it, he even suggested not listening to other people talk about it. He said that every experience is different and there are horror stories but there are also wonderful stories. He said that people tend to worry about all sorts of things and none of which will most likely happen. It’s the things you never fret about that actually happen so it is useless to drive yourself crazy about imaginary problems. I think that can be said for most things in life - my mother used to say “Worrying is only borrowing trouble“.

Honestly, I just want it to be easy. I am so sick and tired of fighting. I would love to only be involved in the process after the baby is born and the mother has signed over her rights - I don’t want to be wrapped up in the drama and story and waiting and wondering - I am so very tired of waiting and wondering and hoping. I want to fast forward to the end but that is not likely to happen.

I should probably be writing my honest thoughts and feelings in a bedside journal somewhere because Lord knows, my gut level truth can be off putting. I only remember reading adoption stories that are politically correct. I find myself writing lists of what is important to me and wondering if I am being a bitch or unreasonable or too naive.

I absolutely despise it when I find myself having to justify myself as a worthy mother. When I start to write about it or speak of it, I stop myself. I have absolutely no doubt that I will be a wonderful mother - hell, my maltese was the envy of children in my neighborhood - now I have to prove my worthiness? I am having a hard time with that one. There are so many sick and evil people in this world and I know that the powers that be need to see that I am not one of them and that is important, but damn. It’s almost like being asked to prove that I am not a felon - oh wait, that will probably be done with the background checks - nevermind.

So, I’m learning a ton. I will be getting a home study and I have read about people preparing their house for it. Right now, I have cups in the sink and oil paints scattered about and lavender bits in a spare room and I need to vacuum and clean my hardwood floors but even now, this very second, if someone knocked on my door to do a homestudy and interview me, I would be hard pressed to apologize for being me - my everyday self. If someone could come here and interview me and listen to me answer their questions and walk away thinking that I would be unfit as a mother, then something is terribly wrong with this world. I am really struggling with feeling like I have to “prove myself”.

I have absolutely no doubt that I will be a magnificent mother but how do you speak of it so a stranger really gets that? Surely, it must be clearly evident?

I would like to journal my experience. When I receive letters from complete strangers telling me of their IVF heartache and how finding my blog helped them in some way, it makes all the trollugliness insignificant. I’m sure much of what I say will make people cringe but I cannot apologize for being anywhere other than where I am right now. It kind of reminds me of reading newbie IVF blogs and I have to stop myself from giving them a reality check - I hope that my lovely readers will be gentle with me. I have a heavy heart and I come from 5 years of infertility hell.

I used to think that I would have tons of children, biological and adopted. I knew that I would love all equally and unconditionally. If I was trying to adopt my fifth child, the stakes would be much different than what they are right now. My adoption experience will be different than had I embarked on it at a different time.

In other news, I am a painting fool! I absolutely adore my oils. I have painted another cherry tray, a canvas of a cat in a basket of flowers and I am currently working on a very busy still life. I think I bit off more than I can chew with my latest work - it is much more difficult than I imagined. I am a bit lighter on my feet, seven pounds lighter in fact. Losing weight and painting are doing wonders for my soul.

In still other news, I feel bad about blogging about Rev Run and his wife being so very smug about wanting their fifth child, she is 41 and of course, she got pregnant immediately. I just read that their little girl died this week, apparently, she was born prematurely:

Even though I think that I have been through so much pain, I cannot even begin to imagine what they must be going through right now.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Sep 28 2006 8:29 AM Updated: Thu, Sep 28 2006 9:03 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Cherplumpples
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

“Shiny happy people…..” I keep singing that song for some reason which means that I have obviously taken a drastic turn in the psychological department.

One might say that it is because I am actively researching adoption but that is most definitely not the reason for my shiny people happiness. If anything, the lack of correspondence and the general inability of others to return messages has me irked to no end but alas, I am just glad to be speaking of such matters - for now. Incompetence is rampant everywhere.

My lightheartedness has more to do with sniffing paint. I had my first oil painting class this weekend and absolutely adore my teacher. She is just a lovely, lovely person and so encouraging.

My artistic confidence has been shattered to bits since I had a bad experience with a commissioned work when I was in the 4th grade - one might say it is time to get over it.

My new paints are glorious and although I was not thrilled with the subject matter of my first class (a serving tray with three cherries painted on it), I knew that I would learn a great deal about basics. Working wet on wet (they don’t really dry for weeks) - oils can be a challenging medium.

Part of me wanted to hide my tray because deep down I was afraid that my husband would look at my project and feel the need to be polite. I love painting but hate being judged. I am so very weird like that but I need to remember that I am re-learning and need to be kind and gentle with myself and because I need to get over my fears, I am going to post a picture of my tray here (I reserve the right to immediately delete it). It will just do me good to show it and be okay with where I am right now.



The subject matter was a picture of three cherries, but honestly, they didn’t even look like cherries and they certainly don’t look like cherries on my work. They are a cross between cherries, plums and even a tad of apple. I just painted what I saw and there it was - a new fruit!

I figure it will make a nice gift the next time I am stuck searching for a last minute present for someone.

I have about five canvases of all sizes that I am plowing through - I am currently working on a kitten in a basket. I’m trying to finish one a day.

Even if the end result is crap, the process is therapeutic.

I feel as if I am healing the shattered bits of me.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Sep 25 2006 12:20 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Swimming Upstream Again
By Julianna on Adoption

Does it ever get easy?

Must it always be a struggle?

Are there signs sometimes that yell and scream when one must “MOVE ON!!!” - “STOP!!!” - “YOU ARE NEVER, EVER, EVER GOING TO BE A MOTHER NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU TRY!!!” - “PAY ATTENTION!!!“.

I am beginning a new journey. After writing and re-writing and deleting and writing again the “perfect” email, it bounced back - “undeliverable”. This morning, I decided to pick up the phone and call but when the lady answered the phone, I found myself tongue tied and nervous and worried about what I should say or not say and how I didn’t even know how to start that kind of a conversation out loud, especially to someone who could help me, so I merely asked for their correct email address because the one on their website is bouncing.

I did like the receptionist’s voice, which reminds me of my previous RE experiences, come to think of it. So, my getting a good “vibe” from the receptionist doesn’t mean anything either.

I am getting into another kind of boxing ring and I am scared of the upcoming blows that are sure to come my way.

I can’t seem to give up, not yet anyway.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Sep 18 2006 10:09 AM Updated: Mon, Sep 18 2006 12:32 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
It Was Nothing, Really.
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

In no certain order, I have managed to stay on my diet, I have begun a mini painting, and I have celebrated quitting smoking by smoking.

In spite of myself, I am still on my diet. Because I have dieted before and I know how very difficult the first couple of weeks can be, I came up with an ingenious idea to get me motivated. I went to my first meeting after a weekly food fest with my family, I was bloated and so premenstrual that my belly was noticeably swollen and I had a large lunch and much water just before my meeting, I wore heavy clothes and I didn’t even take off my shoes for the initial weigh in. I figured that would give me a good 7 pounds of fluff that would seemingly fall off with ease. I would even get my 5 pound ribbon at the next meeting! It was all going to be so very brilliant!

I have managed to buy a ton of art supplies and then promptly return most of them because a very talented artist friend noticed that I didn’t purchase the best grade, even though I paid for the equivalent. Because my gorgeous oils:

are coming from the East coast and I have the patience of a gnat, I decided to start a little painting with my old acrylics. I found an adorable photo in a calendar of a cement bench against a cement wall that is covered with climbing roses - beautiful and soooo my taste. I didn’t prime the canvas thinking for some stupid reason that I didn’t need to, and although my sketch excited and pleased me greatly, the painting has become shit. The acrylics are drying so fast and not covering the canvas well and my difficult to sketch properly bench that I was so very pleased with now looks like a mistake in the wall. That bench was my focal point. It really is doing nothing for my confidence and now I am wondering how I will hide my art work from my husband so he doesn’t wonder what in the hell made me talk him into buying $1,000 worth of art supplies - I told him that I was talented and I had a “gift” as a child - geez, could I get any more ridiculous.

Because I was incredibly irritated with my diet and art, not to mention that my husband has been out of town and I could smoke with wild abandon without the risk of being discovered, I celebrated my one week without a cigarette by buying a pack of cigarettes for $5.50, removing four and running the rest under water (just to make sure I wouldn’t later dig them out of the trash). Am I ill?

So, back to my brilliant idea about packing on the pounds before starting a strict diet…. I followed the diet perfectly all week, hunger pangs and all. I didn’t even go to a huge and wonderful wine and food tasting event this weekend because I knew that there would be too many temptations. My Wednesday meetings are at 5:00 p.m. so I starved all day and didn’t drink any water after one o’clock, I even wore a lightweight skirt and blouse. I stood in that line excitedly thinking to myself how awesome my book was going to look with all those pounds gone and then I took off my shoes and proudly stepped on the napkin covered scale….the smile was abruptly wiped off of my silly face when the lady said, “congratulations! You lost THREE pounds!”.

Thus, the cigarettes.

I’ll give myself another month to get this show on the road, after that, it is back to my heathen ways.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Sep 15 2006 9:55 AM Updated: Sat, Sep 16 2006 9:32 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Eat Much?
By Julianna on IVF#4

Forgive my lack of cohesiveness and rambling thoughts.

I have started a new diet and am running on fumes. I am burning many calories by merely sustaining my life and breathing, I suppose I could count typing as exercise. Honestly, they don’t give me enough food to feed a hummingbird.

I don’t even want to mention what diet I am on NOW because it is really pissing me off so badly at the moment that I will have nothing good to say and could be sued for slander. I have never liked a diet, nor stayed on one for that matter. We’ll see how long I can endure this torture.

By the photos in my last blog entry, it is not surprising that I feel so fat. Who can eat fried chicken livers and hash and rice and shrimp and grits with wild abandon? Certainly, not me.

I think I saw my husband do a double take when I got off the plane. I’m just sayin’

This new diet distributes points to wine - 2 points for each 4oz serving………I asked my leader about using ALL of my allotted points for wine and after pausing for a bit and giving me the once over with her eyes, she said “yes,….why, yes…..you can………if you must drink wine”

So, I have something called core foods that I can gorge on and I can use my weekly bonus points in wine - if I walk for 50 minutes at a brisk clip, I can earn another glass of wine.

I hear the clue phone ringing and I already know what the voice on the other end is saying…….”drink much?”

Well, frankly, Mrs AAOperator, I don’t drink much….well, I do have wine daily but I don’t NEED a glass of wine. I just enjoy it and our lifestyle is such that our WINE functions dictate drinking wine………so, there, and don’t call me again. (as I sip on a wonderful glass of chardonnay that is most assuredly going straight to my head due to the lack of calories in my body)

I hate dieting but I hate feeling fat more.

Why don’t they let you end sentences with “more”? That is perfectly acceptable when speaking, but it looks like crap when typed.

The other thing that really sucks is I quit smoking the very same day I started my diet - last Wednesday. The only problem is that when you are a closet smoker and sneak cigarettes and therefore really enjoy the hell out of them when you can smoke them, it just sucks to give it up and not be able to tell anybody. I love smoking and I miss that more than the food. My husband would faint if he saw me smoke - it would be like me catching him smoking a joint…..it would freak me out. I have always missed smoking and began secretly sneaking the lovelies after my last IVF failed.

Truth be told, I have been partying like a rock star since my last IVF failed. I was so very sick and tired of 5 years of following rules and restrictions that I relished in doing as I pleased. Thus, the food and the cigarettes. I smoked for years in my late teens and early twenties and then quit for 10 years and then dabbled again and then quit again and then dabbled again and now I must quit again.

I don’t understand the former smokers who are so vigilant and disgusted. No matter how long I have quit, I have always missed it. I wish someone would invent healthy cigarettes…..like lavender, vanilla or lemon………..ohhhhh……….I wish I could smoke just one right now.

Speaking of my IVFs and five years of hell (they are the WORST years of my life, by far), I struggle to understand so many details. I used to say that I have no regrets, but lately, I do have second thoughts. What would have happened if we had used donor sperm for half of our last 31 eggs? That would have been a cheap way to rule out sperm problems and some allergic theories or rejection/antibody issues. What if I had let my sister get two of the best embryos? That would have ruled out issues with my useless uterus and rejection and implantation theories.

The truth is that I would never want anyone to go through any of what I went through. I would feel terrible if my sister jumped through hoops to get some of the embryos transferred …….all, for naught. I can’t imagine asking anyone to do IVF for me. It was terrible and heartbreaking and a hellacious rollercoaster ride.

I don’t miss my infertility treatments at all. It is a sad luxury to have a period and not have a broken heart. I don’t expect anything anymore, not even an itsy, bitsy bit. For the first time in six years, I don’t even know where I am in my cycle. Pity that it is like clockwork and my FSH is 4.3 and my husband’s sperm is excellent and none of that ever mattered.

I have been walking 3 miles a day (because I need to earn those points) and it saddens me. I see children at every corner and baby strollers and gym sets in yards and infant seats in cars. I find myself wondering why it never worked for me, why trying so hard and not giving up was so very brutal.

I wonder what life lesson I needed to learn and the only thing that is certain is that it was a great lesson in “trying hard and succeeding” is bullshit. You don’t always succeed when you try hard. I never knew that like I do now.

I still cannot imagine myself without a family, without children. Sometimes, I envy my husband for being so fulfilled with just the two of us. He is an only child and an only grandchild………I have a huge family and I think therein lies the truth. I know what I am missing….he doesn’t.

I was at the grocery store and there was a father with four young daughters (aged 6 - 1?) and he looked overwhelmed, unhappy and ungrateful. I stood there, at the cold cut section of the super market and wanted to tell him how thankful he should be for his beautiful family, I stood there for a full minute watching him ignore his girls and as I was caught in the moment of looking at each girl and wondering what their life is like, the baby in the seat of the shopping cart looked at me and held out her chubby little arms at me and begged me to pick her up with her “mommma……momma……” she wiggled her fingers as she stretched her arms as hard as she could……….she wanted me to get her……….I wanted to hold her and hug her and love her endlessly. The father chuckled and shrugged and I found myself grateful for my sunglasses.

Oh well. Shit happens.

Shit happening sucks.

In healing news, I am trying to get happy. I know that my passion is creativity and after much ado, I am going to start oil painting classes again. I began with oils when I was in the first grade - fourth grade and I don’t think I have used oils since then. I have done many crafts and projects and acrylics and sketching but I haven’t really pursued my passion. There is a woman whom I highly respect who is offering oil painting classes so I decided to sign up. My husband happily offered to pay for all of the items on the “list of supplies” and is still in sticker shock - oil paints are very expensive - a single tube of paint can cost $20.00 - and that is for a small tube. I figure that with the canvas and all of the supplies and the cost of the class, my first oil painting will have us $1,000 in the red. I need to make up for it with future paintings.

In spite of this dreary post, I am carrying on. I am okay for the most part.

Okay, with a broken heart.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Sep 10 2006 4:53 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Southern Things
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

There is so very much that I savor about my roots (pronounced ruts). Although I found my trip fascinating, I know when I am over the edge with my verboseness. In 24 hours, I have managed to exhaust my husband’s and friend’s eardrum bones.

I am used to cultural code switching when I get off the plane. I say “ma’am” and “sir” after every “yes” and “no” (to anyone who is older than me) and I try very, very, very hard to not yell and scream in the car when everyone who drives there is really in no hurry to go anywhere. When the light is green, they slow down because the light could turn yellow at any moment. When the light is red and finally turns green, they take an excruciatingly long time to “mash the gas” because, you never know, someone may want to turn in front of you. My mother seems to wait until she has visually inspected every car until she finally proceeds into an intersection. The only horns I heard blowing were when I was driving, and frankly, I couldn’t help myself.

Ohhhh, the food! The food! I took some pictures and in downloading them, I realized that none of it actually looks appealing, except perhaps, to dogs. I’ll add them in a second. Charlest0n was lovely. The heat index ranged from 80 - 109 degrees and I glowed. People say that Southern women have such good skin and I swear it is because of the weather, it feels so good to have so much moisture in the air, I love feeling the air enter my lungs when I breathe. Hurricane Ernest0 made it’s way towards the coast and brought along some wonderful thunderstorms. Hell, I enjoyed everything.

I can’t even start on my experience with the military college that my nephew is attending. In the same way that South Carolina is so much different than California, the Citade1 is in a world of it’s own. The college is state funded, 140+ years of tradition, and open to the public. It is actually a large square and a small campus. I sat for hours on a bench there and when my nephew hustled down the gutter in front of me, I didn’t even recognize him. He has lost 20 pounds in 3 weeks and all the freshmen (knobs) have shaved heads, walk in a designated gutter to get everywhere, and can only look straight ahead and obey orders. Forty percent of graduates enter some type of military branch as officers and the other 60% who graduate as civilians have job offers by the middle of their senior year (100% of civilian graduates have jobs when they graduate). Their education is highly respected and it is a very tight knit group. Because it is state funded, women sued and began attending about 10 years ago. Why a woman would want to go to a strict men’s military college is beyond me. It is very clear that they are NOT welcome - I suppose they are making a point. I would think that there are plenty of wealthy alumni to make the college private, surely, someone else has thought of that as a solution to their “female problem”.
I spent the weekend days with my nephew and four of his mates, I am most certain that they talked too much and will soon learn to keep the secrets of their experiences. Many of the stories were very upsetting. I struggle with understanding it.

Now, without further ado, my photo album (clicky the piccy to enlarge):

THE FOOD:

MY FAVORITE SOUTH CAROLINA DISH: HASH AND RICE w/ BAR-B-QUE


FRIED CHICKEN LIVERS w/ TURNIP GREENS, MACARONI & CHEESE, STRING BEANS:


FRIED CATFISH w/ STEAK FRIES & SLAW:


CHARLESTON:

THE BATTERY, START OF THE CIVIL WAR:


SHRIMP BOATS:


CHARLESTON HOMES w/ VERANDAS:


COBBLESTONE ROADS:


SWEETGRASS BASKETS AT THE SLAVE MARKET:


THE LOWLANDS/ MARSH:


THE CITADE1:

KNOB WALKING THE GUTTER:


GUTTER LINE:


BARRACKS QUADRANGLE:


THE ELITE SUMMER@LL GUARDS PRACTICING, KNOBS MUST CLOSE THEIR EYES AND BOW THEIR HEADS IF ONE PASSES:


SENIORS READY FOR DRESS PARADE:


THE COLOR GUARD AFTER CHURCH SERVICES:





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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Sep 6 2006 11:23 AM Updated: Sat, Sep 9 2006 8:03 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Have X@nax, Will Travel
By Julianna on IVF#4

No matter my age, I still get very excited when headed back to my homeland. I love going back there and adore visiting my family.

This time, it will be different. My nephew is now in college and my sister and I will be holed up in a hotel room waiting for his rescue call. Unfortunately, there is much in the news today about his esteemed college and it’s continued hazing.

“Haze is the effect of molecules of hydrogen and oxygen on or near bodies of water, especially in the morning, sir, yes sir”.

I send him daily emails with what I think are funny headers; “Hut One! Hut Two!”; “PIVOT!”; “AHH TEN TION!”; “Right, Left, Right. Left. Right.” - I am either annoying the shit out of him or making him smile a bit. He is the only grandchild - born three months premature and has been through so much. He and I are very close, he truly has a piece of my soul. I cannot wait to see him. Depending on whether he passes inspection, he may be able to get away for 8 hours during the weekend day. All of the freshmen have shaved heads and are called “knobs”. They cannot walk around the city of Ch@rleston normally, they must constantly be on alert and do their little knob walk/run no matter what - the only way for him to relax is if my sister can meet him and take him to a hotel room. She was told that he will be very hungry and sleepy. He has made it through he11 week, which is huge. It is hard to explain why someone would pay for a college education to be tortured like that, if he can make it through the first year, he will have a very promising future. P@t C0nroy had his ring taken away for writing the book and the movie is considered an exaggeration by those who do not know.

The older I get, the more anxious I feel when I travel on a plane. I get a claustrophobic feeling when the flight attendant shuts that cabin door; I envision myself jumping up and making an ass of myself, begging to be off the enclosed capsule. X@nax is a must. My crack of choice.

I suppose this means that I am getting neurotic again. Funny that.

Speaking of being neurotic, I had a revelation this morning. I am going to a new hairdresser today and I don’t know why I never thought of this before but I have noticed that if I go to the hairdresser looking like crap, with my hair in a pony tail, I leave looking like crap. If I dress nicely, place make-up expertly and spend hours trying to make my current in-need-of-repair-mane presentable , I leave with an awesome hair-do. I think that it raises the bar for what they need to accomplish. Kind of like if someone goes to get their teeth cleaned and they haven’t brushed in days, why should a hygienist kill herself for perfection if the person obviously doesn’t care. That’s my new theory. We’ll see if I get a good cut and color today and if my hypothesis is correct.

I hope to come back from my vacation with lovely pictures - I adore Ch@rleston.

If you hear of flares and helicopters and much commotion in the place of L0rds 0f Discipline, that would be me, saving my nephew.

Tally Ho




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Aug 24 2006 9:36 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Hello, Please Leave
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

The birthday party was a smashing hit and the Beaufort Stew was awesome.

Unfortunately, my MIL was a weight that I had to endure, but I survived AND managed to keep my mouth shut. I realized that she and I speak a different language. Her glass is always half empty and she gladly states the emptiness of her glass at all hours of the day and night.

About 47 people came for the party and only 12 ended up RSVPing. I think that next time I will put “regrets only” on invitations.

One woman who did not RSVP ended up bringing her younger sister who she wanted me to meet and she ended up calling three friends who were visiting from San Francisco. One of the thrice removed “friends” was a very flamboyant male and before I knew it, he had taken over my house. He was telling everyone where to go and who to sit with and then he started following me around and began washing cheese platters in my new stainless steel sink that scratches very easily and saying how much he wanted to be with me and hear me talk and he would beg me to speak. Now, I do NOT have very much of a southern accent anymore. I learned very quickly that it drew unwanted attention and I took great pains to rid myself of my slow, southern drawl many years ago; I was getting very irritated with this jackass wanting me to be his monkey. The party started at 4:00 and everyone had eaten by 7:00 - not a single person had left by midnight and Mr. Flame’s lover came at 11:45 to partake in the libations.

It is well known that I adore my husband. He is a very brilliant man and with that, comes quirks. M is an only child, an only grandchild, and therefore, does not like to share. He has everything in it’s place and I do not dare enter his office sanctuary or cross the line in our walk-in closet. Cleaning ladies are instructed to not enter his office and any children know about the forbidden rooms. If I go into his desk drawer to get a stamp or even a pen, M notices.

My sister is a speech pathologist and works with special needs children. She has diagnosed my adorable husband with a syndrome that I cannot spell nor pronounce. Suffice is to say, my precious husband can relate to Howard Hughes before he went off the deep end.

After about the third time of him coming home to me and some friends ignorantly sipping very expensive wine on our deck, M. began keeping an updated inventory of our wine cellar with red dots, yellow dots and green dots beside each listing so that I do not open a forbidden fruit while he is away. It’s like “red light”, “green light” - Mother May I? This is all common knowledge and friends joke about M. putting a zapper in the wine cellar so that I get a little shock next time I try to get a forbidden bottle.

Imagine my horror when Mr. Flame and his lover were trying to open the wine cellar at midnight - little did they know that my special husband keeps the door locked and carries the key in his pocket during parties. Yes, he does that, yes, I love him. They kept trying to pull the door open and because everyone except my MIL and I were outside at the bonfire, it was up to me to stop them. They really had NO idea how taboo that was of them and they REALLY should have stopped when I asked them. There was plenty of wine outside on the serving table. They then followed me into the kitchen and began commenting about my new kitchen faucet and it’s resemblance to a clit0ris and if that is why I bought it. I looked at the clock, it was 12:10 am. Everyone was outside having a grand ole time and I was perfectly miserable. I did feel quite protective of my MIL and I asked them to stop being so vulgar in front of us. He made one more comment about wanting to back up on my faucet and I proceeded to go outside to tell my husband that some assholes were trying to get into his wine cellar and they were being disrespectful in front of his mother. M. said something that I could not understand and I knew then that he was in no position to handle the matter. Fast forward to me grabbing my best friend and telling her how miserable I was and that I wanted everyone to leave. She managed to wrangle the troops and said something about “neighbors may start complaining” so they all went to the Country Club down the road where they sang karaoke until the wee hours of the morning.

Needless to say, I am in no hurry to entertain again.

One of my favorite cousins flew in the following day and I had to clean my purgatory room/craft room/ebay mailing room/disaster area because my MIL was in the good guest room. I do have a comfortable day bed that I had bought several years ago that was to be where I would nap by the crib when my babies needed attention. Needless to say, it has been serving as a clutter perch instead.

So, I had 24 hours with polar opposite guests and then my MIL left and my cousin and I have proceeded to tear up the coast of California. She just flew back and I miss her already.

In other news, my only nephew has just started college and it upsets me greatly. He is going to the place of “L0rds 0f Discipline” and the first two weeks are truly abusive. Sure, when he graduates he will be a man and honorable and go very far, but for now, he is being tortured. It is a strong southern tradition and makes everyone very proud. I am sick about it. I spend my days watching a video cam on cit@del.edu and waiting for my time to come up in the queue so that I can control the camera and watch them practice drill on the parade field. I am flying there in a week and will spend the weekend in Charleston with my sister with 2 hotel rooms for all of the knobs that can get away for a few hours during the day - we are told that they can get off campus for only a few hours and all they want to do is shower, sleep and eat pizza. I just want to hug all of them and charter a plane and help them escape. It is unspeakable, but the book is true and much of it still goes on today. I shouldn’t blog about it. They have their first parade this Friday and it is a very popular tourist attraction - every Friday afternoon they will be in their toy soldier looking wool uniforms in 100 degree heat performing for the masses. He has managed to smuggle 2 emails during the wee hours of the night and says that it is very difficult but he is making it. Lord, I love that boy - soon to be a man.

So, that’s it with me, I hope all of you are well.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Aug 20 2006 10:16 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Répondez S’il Vous Plaît
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Uggghhhh

T minus 5 days and counting until my MIL is on her way back to her beloved homeland in the North East.

I have been a trouper and have kept my mouth shut; even in spite of her announcing to everyone at the ten top wedding reception table that I did not need dessert. Yes. She did say that. Yes. I did smile and pretend that all was well.

I could go on and on about my MIL but I don’t want to be a drag.

I have a birthday party to prepare for this Saturday and will let nothing stand in my way. This is her son, my beloved husband. I will bite my tongue ’till it bleeds if necessary. Fifty (50!) invitations were mailed two weeks ago announcing the wonderful occasion and FOUR (4!) people have RSVP’d. One might think that this is a bad omen but I know it as a lack of etiquette. I have heard through the grapevine of at least thirty eight (38!) people who are attending, not that they bothered to call the number on the invitation to let me know, mind you.

If I had the nerve (and I don’t), I would set up two serving tables at my function this weekend. I would have an RSVP table and an RSVPnot table. Those that RSVP’d will get unlimited amounts of Beaufort Stew and drinks and those that RSVPnot’d will be directed to a table of crackers and bottled water.

While on the subject, what is it with “Thank You” notes? I sent seven graduation gifts this year and have received ONE “thank you” note. If one can hand calligraphy invitations, surely, one must be capable of a “thank you” note. What is up with that?

I have been wondering what to do with my life since my fertility failures and I do believe I have found my calling……………..I will start an etiquette class with discounts for my “friends” and in-laws.

Geez.

Oh yeah! My email is completely screwed up at the moment and I have not been able to receive anything for the past week from this web address. I had about 2,900 million emails saved and now they are vanished into cyber air.

At least, I have an excuse for being so rude.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Aug 9 2006 11:25 PM Updated: Wed, Aug 9 2006 11:43 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
“The Next” And Everything Else
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I am happy to announce that I am much less sad. It hits me in waves and I have better up curves than down.

There are many things that have been going on, some good, some bad. One is probably going to break my heart into more shattered bits…….because I really haven’t had enough teeny bits shredded.

:: Gardening is my salvation. I absolutely adore being outside and tilling the soil. If things couldn’t grow in my uterus, then by damn, they WILL grow in my yard. I just finished a massive re-landscape job and am very pleased with the results.

:: My mother-in-law will be here in 5 days and I can feel myself start to withdraw when I imagine it. I still think it is best to keep my mouth shut because I only see her once or twice a year - the cultural differences are enormous and I can only hope that time passes quickly while she is here.

:: My husband will celebrate a birthday in 2 weeks and I am in the midst of planning a party for him. It will be a “Low Country Beaufort Stew” party, which should be interesting because no one here knows what that means and certainly, my husband and his mother have never heard of it. One great thing is that if the Beaufort Stew gets ruined, no one will know! They’ve never had it before. The RSVP’s I am receiving are humorous - one lady has a dog named “Beaufort” and she wondered if it was a joke. Her husband said that I wanted to boil their dog! Beaufort Stew is also called “Frogmore Stew” - hate to think what people would have thought was being served had I called it that.

:: this is the secret that i cannot discuss that will probably break my heart deeper and cause more tears and make me wonder why i even fight this battle……..make me want to shake myself and ask why i continue to insist on swimming against the river………i have been in contact with a wonderful family, they are dealing with an unw@nted pregn@ncy - they live where i was raised and there are about 5 degrees of separation between them and my f@mily and the b@by is due the first week of November - i think of that b@by and family every single day and sometimes, i get my hopes up too much - they like it that i live where i live and that i am from where i am from - if that makes any sense. i just heard from the family and the birthm0ther is having second thoughts about the ad0pti0n - so there will probably not be pictures of an infant’s feet on my blog with the month starting with “N”. how dare i even discuss it.

:: I LOVE not working! Absolutely love being a SAHW (Stay At Home Woman) - it does get a bit weird when I meet new people - they want to know what I “do” and I really don’t have any good excuses to tell them. My gardening and crafts tend to bore them.

:: I have started selling on Eb@y! What a horrific learning curve that is! GEEZ! okay. I read a lot about Eb@y do’s and don’ts before endeavoring and am only starting to realize how much I really don’t know about selling OR buying there. First off, I am the world’s worst mailer…..I am late with birthday cards, with almost anything that needs a stamp so to think of HAVING to mail stuff promptly was a challenge. I could write an entire chapter on my Eb@y experience. Why is it that I am always fighting to win bids (just got into sniping and still lose most) yet most of my auctions expire without bids. The twelve or so things that I have sold all had bids on them days before the auction ended and those bids stood - I would NEVER bid on something I wanted days before! Hell, I can’t win bids a minute before sometimes, what is up with that? People don’t buy crafts, no matter how many pictures and how well described - NOTHING helps. People adore vintage linens but want to steal them for a song and a dime. I have been collecting vintage/antique linens for years and decided to make lots of the stuff I am no longer interested in keeping………….it kind of makes me sick. People are buying at my minimum price and I really feel bad for the people who spent hours and sometimes days crocheting, tatting, embroidering, candlewicking etc……these fine items sell for less than a T@rget pillowcase - pathetic. So, what have I learned? Auctiv@ is AWESOME! I can list and schedule and post up to 16 pictures for FREE! My Eb@y expenses have been cut to a minimum and my templates etc…look very nice. Aucti0n Sniper is a good service but I am out of my free snipes and I really don’t want to pay to bid. Eb@y IS the place to buy nice items for super cheap. Most listings expire without bids which I never realized before my selling experience. Shipping fees are much more than I ever expected and I have eaten half of my shipping fees AND 5! of the purchasers have YET to leave feedback! I need feedback as a seller so that really sucks. The absolute best thing about trying to sell on Eb@y is www.fatfingers.com - they search for typos on Eb@y - things that would never, ever get noticed and I have been able to snatch amazing deals. “anique limoge cup sauser”; “vintage lace tableloth”; “rare gold cion”; “antiqu embriodery”….I actually feel bad for some of the people and I write to them about their typos so they can fix it. Misspelled words will never show up in Eb@y searches. So, ummm yeah, I need to stop buying things.

:: I still love living where I live. It’s nice to be content in that area.

Thank you for all of the WONDERFUL suggestions regarding my Murder Mystery Dinner at the 1936 English Manor - it was a huge hit and I could not have done it without you! I’m sure that most of my items were not correct but it was much more perfect than had I done it all alone so THANK YOU! M. will get a trifle instead of a birthday cake this year.



I’m sure that trifle and Beaufort Stew have never been served in the same house on the same day - I may call Ripley’s.



I hope all is well with all of you.

I think of wessel every day, many times a day.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jul 30 2006 3:07 PM Updated: Sun, Jul 30 2006 11:34 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

This is most assuredly filed in the “Jumping The Shark” category. I do find great joy in writing about something other than my uterus and eggs.

I need some help, advise, suggestions and recipe ideas.

I am hosting a Murder Mystery this weekend and the setting is an English Country Manor in the year 1936.

I am ever so hopeful that some of my brilliant UK friends along with anyone else who has some knowledge of British life can help me.

I need hors d’oeuvres suggestions and hopefully some recipes.

Any first course suggestions? Salad? Greens? Pasta? - I am at a complete loss

I am slow cooking a roast and carrots and potatoes for the main course (this will be in my crock pot and very easy) - any other easy ideas are welcome!

I took a cooking class once and made Yorkshire Pudding and although I found it delicious, I was a bit confused. It wasn’t pudding at all, it was more like delicious bread. Is Yorkshire pudding served with the main course? (Please excuse my ignorance - I told you I needed help!)

What are some dessert suggestions?

I am serving 10 and we will be eating on my antique English bone china dinnerware and everyone will be dressed in costume - I am pulling out all the stops on this one and am hoping it will be fun.

For cocktails, is wine okay? Is there another cocktail idea?

Forgive my rambling, I am busily preparing the house and have been panicking a bit and then I thought…………ask your blog to help! So, there you go.

Thank you in advance!




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Jul 12 2006 12:07 PM Updated: Wed, Jul 12 2006 4:28 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Wrap Music
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

Ohhhh, I don’t know.

It is very clear that I no longer know what I am doing with my life, much less this blog.

There was a time when I was such a good blogger, I updated regularly and tried as best I could to keep up with all of my blog friends and acquaintances. I used my blog as a raw, venting journal and appreciated the love and support of so many people who understood that part of me.

My heart is healing. I still have waves of sadness that equal in intensity but the frequency seems to be stretching out with time.

Yesterday caught me by surprise. I was sitting around watching my regular trash TV and because I am nosey (and possibly simple), I really like reality shows. Now, one of my favorite all time songs is “Let’s Get Married” by RunDMC and Jagged Edge (remix edition) - I still have it in my ipod and turn it up and shake my grove thang every time it plays. So, I enjoy watching “Run’s House”, it’s not that I time it like I do Kathy Griffin’s show (LOVE HER!) but nonetheless, I watch “Run’s House” when I happen to catch it. So, yesterday, his 40 year old wife spent the show walking around saying “i want another baybeee” in a squeaky voice, he asked if she was serious, she even began buying baby shoes and a pink baby dress then, THEN, they sat the other six children down and asked if they wanted another family addition and everyone said “Yes!” and “A girl this time!“. Rev. Run ends each show by text messaging to his congregation while in a bubble bath and yesterday, of course, it was all about the blessings of children and being fruitful.

Now, more than a few thoughts were spinning through my head.

Could they be so arrogant that it would happen that they actually sat the children down to announce they were going to TRY and THUS SUCCEED at having another child? Did she really buy those baby clothes before she even knew she was pregnant? Surely, she already KNEW she was pregnant and they were all just pretending? But even if that was the case, could they really be so bold to announce it and film it knowing she was very early in a pregnancy?

Finally, if I was on Rev Run’s text messaging list and I got that as my daily devotional, I would have sent him a text back that would have made him pray for my soul. I mean, really.

Then, the rest of the afternoon, I was in a pissy mood and very sad. Of course I looked it up and YES, she is pregnant and due at the end of this year.

M came home from a very stressful day at work and as I was serving him his dinner, I told him that I was having a bad day. I said that I was sad.

M: “why? Why are you so sad?”

Me: “well, today, Rev. Run and his wife were ……..(noticing the bewildered look on M’s face)……… he’s one of the first great rappers and he has a reality show on MTV and his wife is FORTY and they announced that they WANTED another child and the whole ……….(noticing the bewildered look on M’s face)……………..

M: ……………

Me: “how’s your chicken?”

So, the rest of the night I remained irked, knowing that I couldn’t explain it and wondering why that little thing pulled the rug out from under me. I suppose I will have ups and downs and just have to trust that with time, it keeps getting better.

Now, as for this blog, it has been such a huge part of my process and healing and yet I have no real place right now in the infertility blogosphere.

Sometimes, I look at my sitemeter and I actually feel bad for the people who are googling and find their way here. “Cramps during 2ww“, “Rescue ICSI - is that bad?”, “IVF success” (still don’t know how I ever end up in THAT search!), and the list goes on and on.

I actually can feel my heart sink when I read some of the searches and imagine some hopeful woman sitting at her computer only to find my story. I still stand by my assertion that most information on the internet is about the successes because those of us who failed HAVE to move on. It still irks me that the 44 year old woman who authors an IVF site writes gleefully about her IVF, her story is all about her 44 year old eggs and her first IVF and her poor response and her crap embryos and of course, she got pregnant - it gives a false appearance. So, I suppose, this is another reality of infertility.

Sometimes, sometimes……….NOTHING WORKS. And it sucks so bad to try so damn hard and still be no closer in the end.

You actually DO know when it is time to quit. It is clear. You just know.

There are times when I click on what people have read here, things I have written, and I am appalled and embarrassed. I wonder what in the hell made me write something like that and then sometimes, I read something that I wrote that makes me laugh and that makes up for the embarrassing entries.

I never had a plan when I began a post, I wrote from the cuff as if this is a journal. That has gotten me into BIG trouble and it has hurt many people whom I love more than anything in this world. I suppose anyone could read through my archives and get very offended by something that I have said or written. I think that I have made it very clear how close I am to my family and how much I love my husband, but, even they could read every word, and get very upset by some of my entries. I owe an apology to my sisters who were hurt by my words here.

I still believe that there is no reason to blog unless one is being honest. Pretending serves no purpose and is a waste of time. I have received unimaginable support from so many people out there in the cyber world.

Of course, there is the ugly side of blogging. There are really some mean and nasty people in this world and the anonymity of the www seems to agree with them. I suppose ignoring them is the way to go even though that never suited my personality.

Being completely honest here is risky and I am now fully aware of having to be very cautious of what I share. This is NOT a journal anymore. I still appreciate the people who are brave enough to be raw with their emotions and truths on their blogs.

Sometimes, I think of all of the people that I have befriended online, people I genuinely care about and who seem to genuinely care about me. I so appreciate still being able to catch up by reading their blogs. I should comment more when I eavesdrop.

Through about four degrees of separation, I still have a thread of hope. I think of it every day but am too afraid to let my mind take it very far. It is not something that I can blog about, I think that I am finally learning about discernment.

If I ever do get a miracle, I’ll be sure to put it out there for anyone who is interested. It will probably be a picture of feet, too small for my vintage collection. It will be in a month starting with “N”.

I am very cautious of Hope now, I immediately put on armor and lift a sword to protect my heart from her wrath.

The reality right now is that I must carry on. My crafts are my salvation. I still dream of a little store to sell my wares.

So, I don’t know about this blogging thing anymore or my place in it. I also don’t know if it serves a purpose for those people searching for answers - I feel like these are answers they never wanted to find.

I do know that I appreciate so many people out there who still have the courage to put their stories out there - their honest stories.

Foo-foo is easy.

I suppose that I will continue to have ups and downs and I will always try my best to suck the blood out of the good times. I will be okay, no matter what.

I won’t be blogging for a while but will try to keep in touch.

Thank you for being there and I truly hope that everyone finds their happy ending.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Jun 23 2006 11:33 AM Updated: Tue, Jun 27 2006 10:57 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Another Bloody Sunday
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

There was a time when I blogged about some ingenious ideas I have running through my wee brain that I am certain will make someone a gazillionaire one day. I don’t have the patience to find the blog entry so you’ll have to trust me, it was brilliant.

I do know one idea was to make some awesome ceiling posters for doctor’s offices that would have to be changed out regularly (thus causing re-orders, of course) - I had many ideas for dental office ceiling posters and OB/GYN’s and then, the dreaded RE office ceiling. The RE office posters would have to be the most entertaining - any ideas welcome.

So, today, I got to thinking. I keep seeing all of these advertisements about Father’s Day this weekend and I wish there was some way for me to celebrate.

There should be Hallmark cards for the parents who will never have a crayola scribbled card from a child.

They would be found in the “Phantom Child” section:

“Wish I was there!”
“What Could Have Been…”
“Hey! You’ve had uninterrupted sleep all of your life thanks to me!”
“If your IVF had worked, I’d need a car by now!”
“If you got pregnant when you were trying, I’d be in college by now!”

Hell, there could be a whole series of “If your IVF had worked” or “If you got pregnant when you were trying” section that could totally make up for all of those “1st Birthday”, “3rd Birthday”, “Holy Communion”, “Graduation” etc….cards.

Okay. Not a good idea.

Perhaps, this Sunday, I will get pen to paper and write my husband a very long love letter.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Jun 16 2006 3:43 PM Updated: Fri, Jun 16 2006 4:26 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Due To Popular Demand
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

okay!!!

Here are step by step instructions - WITH PICTURES - on how to make a lavender wand.

This is the only time of year that wands (aka bottles) can be made.

They last for years and are relatively easy to make.

These were some of the earliest ways of making fragrant sachets and Victorian women used to keep them in their drawers and suitcases.

As the lavender wands age, simply squeeze and the aroma releases.

Enjoy!!!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/77368017@N00

CLICK ON ANY PICTURE TO ENLARGE

I also added my popular soap petals - simply melt Neutr0gena soap in a pan and dip petals and leaves - give as gifts or keep in guest bath rooms.

I’d much rather be posting pictures of my baby….but………..alas…………..




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jun 11 2006 10:34 PM Updated: Sun, Jun 11 2006 11:30 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Lavender And Roses
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Afraid that I will somehow cause a kink in my current state of mind due to the mere fact that I have the unmitigated gall to verbalize it, I must spill the beans - I have been happy for the past week - not just haha, giggle giggle, but a deep rooted happiness that runs through my entire being.

I search in vain for the magic bullet, as if there really is one. I want to know what caused this change in me so that I can unrealistically bring it back should this be just a passing fancy.

I have made lists for myself. Lists of what I need to do to make me happy. I listed eating healthy, exercising, walking more outdoors, entertaining friends, doing yard work and playing golf again.

I showed my husband my happy list and told him that I was trying to make myself do at least two of the things on my list everyday. I didn’t want to get into a deep funk like I did last time and because this truly was the end of all of our infertility drama, I needed help.

After hearing me rattle off what I would do or try to do to get happy, he said that he couldn’t believe that I never wrote down any of my creative outlets. He said that is my passion, that is what clearly makes me happy and yet I never even listed painting, crocheting, tatting, or any of my hundreds of craft projects. I have no idea why in an effort to do what makes me happy, I left off the very things that bring me the most joy. I suppose I could go to therapy to find out………or………..I could just make a creative list and get on with it. I chose the latter.

Towards the end of IVF#4 3/4, I had gained fifteen pounds - TWELVE of those pounds being in the final week - the week of transfer. I had never gained that much weight and twelve pounds in one week was alarming and depressing. I have had two regular cycles since then and it now appears that my hormones have equalized and at least twelve of those pounds are gone.

The weather has been wonderful and my garden is responding to all of my attention. I keep fresh roses with sweet smelling jasmine in vases throughout my house. I need to remember to keep bringing fresh flowers indoors, it just makes every room better and it makes me focus on beauty.

Where there are roses and wine, there is lavender. This is the season for the lavender blooms and I am busy weaving my little lavender wands and making lavender sachets and lavender wreaths. Because the lavender has to be freshly picked in order to be pliable enough to weave, this is the only time of the year that I can make my lavender wands (like little baskets that encapsulate blooms).



Large wands take much longer to make than the smaller ones.



Mind you, it takes about an hour to weave each wand and it has to dry in a cool, dark place for three weeks and when you add the time it takes me to harvest, well, they are the perfect hostess gift. My husband says that I should start selling on Eb@y - I saw that one person is selling TWO lavender wands for $20.00 - no thanks. I’d rather give them as gifts than make 10 cents an hour.

My back deck is shaded after noon so it is the perfect outdoor studio. I even went and bought a hummingbird feeder to put near my work table to add to the ambiance.

After five years of fighting infertility, I am feeling relief for getting out of the boxing ring. I don’t have to look at calendars and arrange dates and doctor’s visits and ultrasounds. I didn’t realize how tied down I was until I became untied. I don’t even know when I will ovulate this month and I don’t care. Five years of Americ@n Express pocket calendars are filled with circled dates and O’s and count downs and doctor’s visits.

I will never be pregnant.

I will never have a child with my husband’s amazing eyes and intelligence.

I will never have that little girl that I pictured teaching how to tat like my grandmother taught me.

But it is okay. I gave it my best shot. There are no more options and I am sitting in it.

Now, when people say “ohhh, it will happen!”; “you will be a mother!” - I stop them in their tracks and there is something that they see in my eyes and hear in my tone of voice that makes them pause.

“I will never be pregnant“,

“We have done everything“,

“It will never happen“,

that is my truth.

And I am okay.

I hope this lasts.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jun 6 2006 10:22 AM Updated: Wed, Jun 7 2006 12:34 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Gathering The Pieces Of Me
By Julianna on IVF#4

I think it was after IVF#2 failed that I started to think that I might end up here. I was so afraid of being in this place, this final landing strip. I make an effort to make it pretty, knowing all the while that I am making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. I am bound and determined to make it comfortable and perhaps even pleasant.

My husband and I just celebrated our fifth wedding anniversary. I never imagined the first five years of my marriage would be spent trying so hard to have what comes naturally to so many others. Furthermore, I never imagined that I could be driven and try so hard for so very long and still fail. This experience has certainly jaded me. I always believed with every fiber of my being that if I tried hard enough, I would succeed. This experience has rocked my core beliefs, in all ways.

Motherhood was never an option for me, I think the first thing I held was a baby doll and I couldn’t wait to be old enough to baby-sit and I would sit and dream of my husband and my children and their names. If people asked what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always answered, “a mother”. I chose my career because it was the best for having a family. On the second date with my husband, he said that he never thought much about having children and I told him that there was no need to date again because we were clearly not headed down the same path. He was a career bachelor and I wasn’t going to waste my time with a man who did not desire a family. He said that he never thought that much about it but it was not something he was opposed to so we continued to date and fall in love. To say that he has gone above and beyond is an understatement. I will forever be grateful for him saying “yes”, again and again and again.

I really can’t say that it was all worth it. I still believe those words are for the people who succeed. The only consolation is that when I am seventy years old, I will look back and know that we did everything. This is where I instantly feel the “just adopt!” solution coming from others and my need to explain. The facts are that it is almost impossible to adopt domestically and it is getting more and more difficult to adopt internationally. Read any adoption forum or adoption blog and it becomes very clear how grueling and long that process can be and many times, heartbreaking. I do have the occasional daydream that one of my thousand cousins will have an unplanned pregnancy and miraculously choose ME! to be the mother. Minus a miracle, I will never be a mother.

I still have my purgatory room, you know, that special room when house hunting that was to be the perfect nursery. We don’t need another guest room and right now it houses a daybed and my make-up vanity and a little book shelf and oh yeah, the vintage baby shoe collection and my nephews little rocking chair that my sister gave me five years ago for my children. I painted it white and because someone told me that I needed to clear out my crafts in the “nursery” for feng shui reasons and open it up to new life and our baby, I wrote a little note on the bottom: here is proof.

So, ummm, yeah. I need to do something about that purgatory room.

Having a child is so very universal. I still nod when I hear people tell of their biggest achievement or greatest happiness, it doesn’t matter if they are famous or powerful or poor or ill, they give the same answer, “their children”. For now, I would have to say that my greatest happiness has been my marriage and my family. I have so much to be grateful for and I need to spend my energy appreciating what I have and not what I have lost.

And now, to all of you. It is hard to believe that I have been blogging for over a year and a half. This community has been amazing and invaluable and I am so very appreciative of the love and support and the guidance and the wonderful advice that I have received. I cannot imagine going on this journey alone. The wisdom and humour that so many of you have offered to me has made all of this bearable. To say “thank you” is not enough, I am grateful and touched beyond belief.

Thank you for letting me lean on you and having the strength to support me when I didn’t know if I could carry on.

I truly hope that each and every one of you finds your happy ending.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, May 23 2006 6:42 AM Updated: Tue, May 23 2006 7:04 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Perserverence
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I would love to write and say that I am okay and everything is jolly and that I am such a trouper and that I am coming to terms with the state of my life, but that would be a lie.


I am not okay.

I cannot wrap my arms around the fact that I will never be a mother.

My immediate challenge is trying not to blame myself. I notice that when people get pregnant easily, I sense how viril they are, how incredibly healthy they must be and how easy it can be for people who have “it”. Therefore, the opposite of that is that I must be lacking. I must be flawed in some deep and fundamental way.


I will never be a mother. I will never have a child with my husband’s eyes. He has that kind of blue hue that makes people pause, it was the first thing that I noticed about him.

We will never have a generation below us to carry on anything. Darwin’s law in effect. Survival of the fittest.


I still have my Vivelle glue lingering on my thighs and belly, I have the fading bruise from my final beta on the inside of my left arm and I have yet to start to my period.


I have had mini seconds where I wanted to google “really pregnant after fourth failed IVF and beta of 8″ but that would be cruel because you want to know what I would find? I would read the urban legends of the people that actually were pregnant after their doctor told them “no“, “not you“, “not ever“.

I know this because I googled “failed IVF#4″ just to read about how maybe other people have carried on and you want to know what I got? A big huge list of people who got pregnant by taking herbs after failed IVF#4, or the lady who got pregnant after her failed IVF#4 because she prayed hard enough, and there were plenty who got pregnant after failed IVF#4 naturally - and there were even more examples from an acupuncturist who lists case after case because of her treatments.

I guess the people who really failed and had to suck it up and move on somehow never found the urge to blog about it or post it on a message board. I reckon the people who indeed did find the end of the road disappear somewhere never to be heard from again and maybe I will meet them someday and maybe I won’t.

I really don’t know how people handle the loss of something bigger, I am weak indeed.

Everywhere I look, I see families. I have never tried so hard at anything in my life and failed so miserably. This is something that will follow me around forever. How many times will I hear questions about our children and have to answer that we don’t have any and pray secretly that we can change the subject without explanations.

I have an Aunt Lorene who is now in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. Do you want to know what is the only thing she says on a daily and regular basis? “I was never able to have any children” - over and over and over again. She doesn’t talk about her marriage or her travels or her house, she seems to only remember that she was barren. Infertility is that profound and that deep and lingering.

Unfortunately for me, I have learned that I must go through this and not around it in order to get to the other side and that is what sucks so terribly bad at the moment.

I refuse to be sad and depressed my whole life. I must find some way to carry on, but not only that, I desire to be happy. I will fight with every ounce of strength within me to live a happy and fulfilling life. I have to trust that I will be okay.

I also need to get past the angry and although I have not entered that stage yet, I hope I get through it fast. I am not pretty when I am angry.

None of it was worth it. None of it. That is for the people with the happy endings. Perhaps when I am 75 and look back on my life, I will have peace because I will know that I did everything - ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I could at the time. Perhaps, then, I will have no regrets and then I can say that it was worth it.

I feel the need to respond in some way to the amazing outpouring of kindness that I received from so many of you. It has touched our hearts and made the pain less - truly. Thank you and I do hope to personally respond to the amazing emails in the coming days.

So, callistawolf made me pretty. She did the awesome design of my previous blog with the vintage baby shoes and offered to give me a makeover. She is the WordPress expert in blog design and an angel to boot. If anyone is thinking of a new blog design and especially if you are thinking of WordPress, please give her a jingle. Thank you Callista!
I don’t know where this blog is going, if anywhere. I just couldn’t bear to see those vintage baby shoes anymore and I do so adore geraniums in picture windows and Callista was so very kind to fix it all for me. I wish it were as easy to fix the sorry state of my life.
I just opened the mail and noticed the distinct swell of baby booties on some sort of invitation. I am invited to a baby shower next month! It is a girl for the hoochie momma and her unemployed loser ex-boyfriend and in spite of me telling her (in as gracious a way as possible) when she told me she was going to invite me to her baby shower, I said very clearly, “Please don’t take it personally but I have not been to a baby shower in four years. It is just too painful. Everyone is discussing their pregnancies and birth stories and baby names and frankly, that is heartbreaking for me.” She said she understood.
I have a good mind to call her and ask her what exactly she thought she understood about my frankness with her and then explain in great detail how incredibly insensitive it is that she sent me an invitation in spite of my pleas.
Yep. I think I am entering the anger stage, thanks in large part to Sarra.
Yep.
Darwin’s Law.
Survival of the fittest.
Another thing that really pisses me off is that Dr. Next explained to my lovely husband that the only conclusion to draw is that it comes down to maternal age and genetics. ALWAYS REMEMBER RULE NUMBER ONE: When they can’t find anything else, always blame the eggs.
My FSH is 4.3. I have produced over 70 something eggs over the period of the past two years. We have had over 40 grade A number ONE embryos and because it is just a numbers game (until it never adds up - OF COURSE), it is the woman’s fault. I wonder what they tell the 27 year olds with the same history? I guess then it is just poor luck.
I must be hella retarded in the egg department.
So, I am making lists.
Today, I took a shower AND I washed my hair.
I even blew out my bangs.
Baby steps.
Tomorrow, I may even shave my legs.
























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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Apr 3 2006 6:33 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Perseverance
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I would love to write and say that I am okay and everything is jolly and that I am such a trouper and that I am coming to terms with the state of my life, but that would be a lie.

I am not okay.

I cannot wrap my arms around the fact that I will never be a mother.

My immediate challenge is trying not to blame myself. I notice that when people get pregnant easily, I sense how prolific they are, how incredibly healthy they must be and how easy it can be for people who have “it”. Therefore, the opposite of that is that I must be lacking. I must be flawed in some deep and fundamental way.

I will never be a mother. I will never have a child with my husband’s eyes. He has that kind of blue hue that makes people pause, it was the first thing that I noticed about him.

We will never have a generation below us to carry on anything. Darwin’s law in effect. Survival of the fittest.

I still have my Vivelle glue lingering on my thighs and belly, I have the fading bruise from my final beta on the inside of my left arm and I have yet to start my period.

I have had mini seconds where I wanted to google “really pregnant after fourth failed IVF and beta of 8″ but that would be cruel because you want to know what I would find? I would read the urban legends of the people that actually were pregnant after their doctor told them “no“, “not you“, “not ever“.

I know this because I googled “failed IVF#4” just to read about how maybe other people have carried on and you want to know what I got? A big huge list of people who got pregnant by taking herbs after failed IVF#4, or the lady who got pregnant after her failed IVF#4 because she prayed hard enough, and there were plenty who got pregnant after failed IVF#4 naturally - and there were even more examples from an acupuncturist who lists case after case because of her treatments.

I guess the people who really failed and had to suck it up and move on somehow never found the urge to blog about it or post it on a message board. I reckon the people who indeed did find the end of the road disappear somewhere, never to be heard from again, and maybe I will meet them someday and maybe I won’t.

I really don’t know how people handle the loss of something bigger, I am weak indeed.

Everywhere I look, I see families. I have never tried so hard at anything in my life and failed so miserably. This is something that will follow me around forever. How many times will I hear questions about our children and have to answer that we don’t have any and pray secretly that we can change the subject without explanations.

I have an 85 year old Aunt Lorene who is now in a nursing home with Alzheimer’s. Do you want to know what is the only thing she says on a daily and regular basis? “I was never able to have any children” - over and over and over again. She doesn’t talk about her marriage or her travels or her house, she seems to only remember that she was barren. Infertility is that profound and that deep and lingering.

Unfortunately for me, I have learned that I must go through this and not around it in order to get to the other side and that is what sucks so terribly bad at the moment.

I refuse to be sad and depressed my whole life. I must find some way to carry on, but not only that, I desire to be happy. I will fight with every ounce of strength within me to live a happy and fulfilling life. I have to trust that I will be okay.

I also need to get past the anger and although I have not entered that stage yet, I hope I get through it fast. I am not pretty when I am angry.

None of it was worth it. None of it. That is for the people with the happy endings. Perhaps when I am 75 years old and look back on my life, I will have peace because I will know that I did everything - ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING I could at the time. Perhaps, then, I will have no regrets and then I can say that it was worth it.

I feel the need to respond in some way to the amazing outpouring of kindness that I received from so many of you. It has touched our hearts and made the pain less - truly. Thank you and I do hope to personally respond to the amazing emails in the coming days.

So, callistawolf made me pretty. She did the awesome design of my previous blog with the vintage baby shoes and offered to give me a makeover. She is the WordPress expert in blog design and an angel to boot. If anyone is thinking of a new blog design and especially if you are thinking of WordPress, please give her a jingle. Thank you Callista!

I don’t know where this blog is going, if anywhere. I just couldn’t bear to see those vintage baby shoes anymore and I do so adore geraniums in picture windows and Callista was so very kind to fix it all for me. I wish it were as easy to fix the sorry state of my life.

I just opened the mail and noticed the distinct swell of baby booties on some sort of invitation. I am invited to a baby shower next month! It is a girl for the hoochie momma and her unemployed loser ex-boyfriend and in spite of me telling her (in as gracious a way as possible) when she told me she was going to invite me to her baby shower, I said very clearly, “Please don’t take it personally but I have not been to a baby shower in four years. It is just too painful. Everyone is discussing their pregnancies and birth stories and baby names and frankly, that is heartbreaking for me.” She said she understood.

I have a good mind to call her and ask her what exactly she thought she understood about my frankness with her and then explain in great detail how incredibly insensitive it is that she sent me an invitation in spite of my pleas.

Yep.

I think I am entering the anger stage, thanks in large part to Sarra.

Yep.

Darwin’s Law.

Survival of the fittest.

Another thing that really pisses me off is that Dr. Next explained to my lovely husband that the only conclusion to draw is that it comes down to maternal age and genetics. ALWAYS REMEMBER RULE NUMBER ONE: When they can’t find anything else, always blame the eggs.

My FSH is 4.3. I have produced over 70 something eggs over the period of the past two years. We have had over 40 grade A number ONE embryos and because it is just a numbers game (until it never adds up - OF COURSE), it is the woman’s fault. I wonder what they tell the 27 year olds with the same history? I guess then it is just poor luck.

I must be hella retarded in the egg department.

So, I am making lists.

Today, I took a shower AND I washed my hair.

I even blew out my bangs.

Baby steps.

Tomorrow, I may even shave my legs.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Apr 3 2006 6:33 PM Updated: Mon, Apr 3 2006 11:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
The End.
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

My beta was 8.

What are the odds that the same exact two numbers would come up out of all the numbers in the world.

I have grown to appreciate the number zero. The zero’s were much easier than these pathetic chemical pregnancies.

I feel like I have been gut punched.

I am completely shattered to bits.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 30 2006 2:07 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
PURGATORY!
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Neither the Grim Reaper nor Hope with a stunning bouquet of flowers is at my door.

Dr. Next called M. and said he is cautiously optimistic.

He really should have had me get my beta on Thursday because of the FET and the stage at which they were frozen (2PN on day 1).

So I am how many days past transfer (March 17th - I can’t add now.)?

Dr. Next said that my beta should be between 5 and 10 today - he said he was sorry for miscalculating - and they want me to come back on Thursday.

My beta was 5.

My beta was 5.

On the low end of what he would expect today.

My beta was 5.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Mar 28 2006 1:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
48 Hours And Counting
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I am starting to feel the knots forming in my stomach.

Will it be the Grim Reaper at my door or Hope with flowers?

I do not believe in HPTs, so there will be none of that over here.

Of course, if I get bad news on Tuesday, I will not be around at all much so I would like to take this time to thank everyone for their kind wishes and support. It really does make it worthwhile whilst putting it all out there for the world to read.

It is just all so raw, so deep, so incredibly difficult to go through alone so I thank those of you out there who helped me along the way.

I’ll see you on the other side.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Mar 26 2006 10:56 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Palace. It is High and Indeed Bright
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

My qi (formerly spelled chi) is high and lifting and the bright light is emanating from my baby palace.

That is what they call the uterus, the “baby palace” and there are acupuncture points on the top of the head that are referred to as the “palace points”.

My palace is lovely, thank you.

I have been seeing the acupuncturist daily, meditating at least three times a day and working on some of my crafts. I am actually tatting some things at the moment.

I am very much at peace and extremely relaxed. When I think of Tuesday, I get scared. So, I don’t think of Tuesday.

I have to believe that I will be okay, no matter what. I just hate having my heart broken again but that is the risk that I took in trying one more time.

Today, Anna said that she felt like I was pregnant, that implantation had taken place. My first reaction was to stop her. I protect that tender part of me whether someone is positive or if I am thinking negatively. I just cannot go there right now. Neutral is best.

The problem is that every single IVF has the high stage and I am currently smack dab in the middle of it. It is after transfer and before the beta. This is where Hope shows her lovely face and begins dancing and skipping in every room I enter, she even has the nerve to greet me at restaurants.

If we didn’t believe it COULD happen, none of us would try over and over again. By the way, congratulations are in order for Br00ke. SEVEN IVFs to have her first daughter, and now she is pregnant naturally? How is that possible? Personally, I don’t think people get pregnant naturally anymore. Natural pregnancies are an urban legend. You heard it here first.

So, I am sufficiently lifted and glowing.

Don’t mind me while I tat the time away.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 23 2006 9:49 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
The $100,000 Pedicure
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I got a wonderful pedicure today before my acupuncture appointment.

Because I happened to get a lucky draw and sat in the chair of the Foot Queen, otherwise known as Lucy, I chose the “Deluxe” pedicure from the menu and after the 10 minute timer went off, signaling Lucy to massage the other foot for 10 minutes (no more, no less), I asked her if I could extend the time of the hot oil massage.

I was careful not to turn on the vibrating massage chair, lest I jiggle the embryos loose. Technically, today is Day 6 so that means that I need to change my meditation tape to the implantation phase because the blastocysts should be hatching today or tomorrow. I do believe that the white light that engulfs my uterus should be apparent to almost everyone, but alas, no one has said they notice it.

So, Lucy massaged each foot/calf for 20 minutes and I was blissfully unaware of where I was as I closed my eyes and sucked the blood out of every single second of the entire 40 minutes. It was glorious.

One thing I have never gotten used to around here is how incredibly cheap the nail services are in these parts. In South Carolina, a NOT very good pedicure costs approximately $30.00. Today, my deluxe pedicure WITH an additional 40 minute massage cost $25.00. I mean really.

I then went to my new acupuncturist, named Anna. I love the name Anna - just thought I’d throw that out there. Because I was a new patient, I had to fill out about 20 pages of medical history - honest to goodness! - GEEZ.

When was my last period?Well, I have no earthly idea.

Am I on any hormone replacements?Ummm….yeah.

Are you pregnant? Ummmm…..well…..yes…

Do you have a white, coated tongue?Do you have a mirror?

Do you have protruding, tangled veins under your tongue?Mirror??!!! PLEASE.

So, later that afternoon, when I finally finished her book of queries, Anna called me back.

I said, “Please forgive my sandals, I just had a pedicure.” It was 54 degrees outside. I HAD to explain.

Anna: “I hope they didn’t massage your feet.”

I said, “Not hard really, not too hard, just good, why?”

Anna: “That drops your chi. Don’t get your feet massaged, don’t let your husband massage your feet, don’t even pay attention to your feet.”

I said, “Well, that stinks. I may have just had the most expensive pedicure in the history of mankind. For the first time ever, I requested an extra FORTY minute foot massage.’

Anna: (horrified look) “That’s okay. We’ll reverse it. Don’t massage your lower back either, that pushes the chi out, you need UP! UP! UP!, keep those babies in there. If you massage anything, massage your head. No more DOWN.”

I said, “No. More. Down. got it.”

I go back tomorrow and the next day so Anna can try to undo the damage done by Lucy.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Mar 21 2006 6:46 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Disassociative Parenting
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

What does a girl do with $100,000 worth of embryos in her uterus? Why……she takes long drives, of course.

I am also working on some art projects (pictures forthcoming) and meditating like crazy. I got some awesome post-transfer meditations and I think I have it memorized by now. The only complaint is that Ms. PeacefulVoice asks me to visualize each of the embryos and their cells and the white light and their love of my chamber of death but she only gives me time to visualize about two and then she is off to the next step….geez….doesn’t she know that I have ten I need to attend to? So, now, I make a point to quickly say “soooo proud of YOU!” to each of them so as not to miss out on the beautiful, perfect uterus part for the remainder of the meditation.

Okay, a side note. You know I love you, you KNOW I appreciate all the kind words and I also know it is so very difficult to keep track of everyone and their history but if nothing else, just remember that IVF#2 resulted in THIRTEEN excellent, Grade A, number one DAY 3 embryos that were pushed to blastocysts. Needless to say, that didn’t work. I am very fortunate and get excellent embryos, I’d rather be fortunate and have some stick around awhile. With my history, multiples are not a concern.

I am actually very much at peace. I don’t know if I am jaded, disassociating, or just plain crazy.

I have done every single thing that is imaginable and I am very, very proud of myself. I have to keep taking care of that little girl inside of me. That is the most important thing right now.

So, this weekend, M. was working at the winery again. They had a huge, once-a-year party and I sooo desperately wanted to go work there. Usually, at those functions, I am the greeter and because it is so good to keep busy, I actually thought of doing it. I knew that I would have to be on my feet a lot, so then I thought better of it.

Instead, I got in my car, pumped up the ghetto fabulous music and went on long drives with my digital camera in tow.

clicky piccys to enlarge


Grandma’s House


Connected


We Have Company


Pot O’ Gold


Wild Mustard And Cherry Blossoms


New Vines

And to think, the week before we had snow!:


Rare Deck Snow


Granite Veins


Do NOT Overfill


Va Va Vivelle


THE MURAL!!!!!

Projects I am currently working on:


OUCH!


Vintage Shoes

Next! Pictures of the Purgatory Room. Suggestions with what to do with that “extra” room that was going to be the perfect nursery, during the 2 ww and beyond.

Yep. I’m keepin’ busy.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Mar 20 2006 8:54 AM Updated: Mon, Mar 20 2006 11:35 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Fighting Irish
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Because my uterus doesn’t take kindly to being skewered, I have to take Vicodin and Valium before transfers, so forgive me, I am quite high, or more appropriately, I am rather stoned.

I am also a bit queasy but I think that is because of myhusband’s driving skills, or lack thereof.

I am off to bed but wanted to quickly post.

The acupuncturist was beautiful and delightful. It was wonderful and they didn’t even have me change rooms, the doctor came in after my pre treatment and then she added different needles for the post treatment.

I still have some needles in my head. I can’t remember what she said they were for, but I do remember “keep them in as long as I like” so I think I’ll let them rust there.

We got excellent news.

Ten excellent Grade A number ones.

I can’t remember the specifics.

Something like,

One 6 cell
Four 4 cell
??? 3 cell
??? 2 cell

It all added up to ten when he said it.

Because they were frozen at the 2PN stage, today is like a day 2 for them…or something like that.

He was very pleased and positive and so are we.

More than anything, I am relieved and tired.

My beta is March 28th (I think),

thank you again for your amazing support and kind wishes. we really appreciate it.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Mar 17 2006 1:53 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Ohhhhm…Ohhhmmmmmm
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

When the doctor calls, it is bad news.

The nurse called.

All ten are surviving!

I am beyond relieved.

Of course, much can happen in the coming hours, but right now, this second, all ten are doing well.

I am very grateful.

I will update when I can tomorrow afternoon, in the meantime, I am busying myself with getting this house in order for the coming days.

Thank you again for the good thoughts and well wishes, we really appreciate it.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 16 2006 1:22 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
So Long….Farewell……
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

The end is here!

No more lupron!

I have a very cool picture of the carnage but need M. to help, so it may be a while.

I started the doxycycline and medrol today, my first PIO shot will be tomorrow and I am still up to the three Vivelle’s.

I almost feel like that should be a pack of cigarettes or something….”Vivelle’s”. Or the name of a sports car, surely, something much more exotic than estrogen patches!

I actually learned a lot about Va Va Vivelle’s and would like to share my wisdom with the cursed people who have been lucky enough to get a prescription:

1: Do NOT put them on your arms. Arms are not listed in the list of “where to apply”. Umm….yeah.

2. They are indeed waterproof and will withstand temperatures of up to 102 degrees Fahrenheit, unless you are sitting in the seat in the jacuzzi that has the deep massage pressure, then, you can kiss those little puppies goodbye.

3. Do NOT use alcohol to remove the remaining adhesive. It will irritate your skin and become very red and you will be left with a lovely inflamed remnant for at least a week.

4. Instead, use baby oil to remove the adhesive. It is quick, soothing and painless.

5. For me, when they doubled my dosage, that was the worst day. The estrogen rushes can be very alarming.

.

Very well.

We’re getting this show on the road and I am very excited.

We will be getting the call on Thursday afternoon to let us know how many of the embryos survived the thaw, the estimate is that 80% should make it since they were frozen at the 2PN stage.

Crossed digits and prayers to Deities are much appreciated!

Thank you for everything.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Mar 14 2006 2:30 PM Updated: Tue, Mar 14 2006 6:07 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Soooo MANY Things!
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

First, I MUST get a dog. I have been keeping my girlfriend’s lovely pup (she is STILL out of town - so very rude of her, she better be back Wednesday is all I’m sayin’) anyway, Meg and I have been having a blast. It is such a strange weekend here, snow is everywhere, I even have pictures of it on my deck. I will post them when I can get M. to retrieve them for me. Yesterday, Meg and I went up to a state park on a mountain top and it was absolutely breathtaking. I imagined us running and playing and her so very happy, but alas, she didn’t like the snow. She just stood on the pavement and didn’t want to move. I found that she was actually happiest in the car. So, today, I took her on a long drive. My little Chelsea Belle used to sleep within minutes of getting in the car, but Meg stayed awake the entire time. I think we were gone for 5 hours. M. had to work at the winery both days this weekend, they have been very busy, so it was just Meg and I. Ohhhh, she is such an angel. I very much miss having an animal.

Second, I am sufficiently looking like a patchwork quilt of redness. Today is my first day with the three Vivelles and M. was having a hard time finding a clear place on my back. I will not be able to use the jacuzzi after this week (of course!), so I am still trying to suck the blood out of every moment possible and when the Vivelles are on my back, they come off sometimes. At $8.00 a piece, the jacuzzi is becoming a money pit of estrogen.

Third, I am so very excited about this week. I feel wonderful, and am in great spirits. I am still blown away about the acupuncturist coming to the doctors office and more grateful that my lovely doctor is accommodating us for 2 hours. I know it was a pain for them to arrange the schedule and I appreciate it. Because my mother raised me right, I have a basket of goodies for them and also a little gift for the acupuncturist who is reserving her morning for me.

Fourth, my mural is gorgeous! I have two interior designers who are meeting me on Wednesday to decide on what kind of frame we are going to use and they are also bringing plenty of example backsplash ideas. The tile that I am favoring at the moment takes three weeks to get here, which is a pain. I can’t help but dread what I will be like in three weeks. I was hoping my kitchen would be done before the beta.

Fifth, I am so grateful to the internet. There are so many people out there who are a constant source of inspiration and support. Thank you.

Sixth, I wish I could be as brilliant as Jessica. She rocks.

Seventh, I LOVE my husband. He is so amazing. Truly, truly amazing.

Eighth, I am getting ready to make calamari for the first time ever, wish me well!




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Mar 12 2006 5:35 PM Updated: Sun, Mar 12 2006 7:36 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Momma Bear
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

How far is too far?

When is enough, enough?

How long do you let bullies ram and crash into everyone and everything they choose?

So, there are these people who have this website. It’s all about trashing people and they have left much carnage in their wake.

Unfortunately, most people can’t fight back. They either don’t have the means, or they just don’t have the courage.

Sometimes, it is best to just ignore the imbeciles of the world and carry on.

I would never have known about these people had they not chosen me as their next victim. So, what do you do? Really, moving on is easiest. The bullies will soon get another victim and then I will be but a shadow, and as I move further and further down their blog page, I will receive fewer and fewer visits to my lovely blog from those of their ilk.

These cowardly bullies have been spreading their carnage and have hurt many, many people. Celeste is one of those victims and it just so happened that she started her own blog about them the day before they made the ill-fated decision to bring me into their little mix of jollies. Celeste has now pulled some of her information because apparently, the trainwreck site has decided how far is too far.

The moral incompetents of this world do not set the bar for fairness and justice.

It is very hard to stand alone and fight back, especially when you know that these cowardly bullies are also attorneys. I can just imagine them using their “lawyer” card and intimidating anyone who has the audacity to defend themselves and perhaps even deliver some well-deserved retaliation.

Unless these trainwrecks write a formal letter of apology to me, to everyone they have ever insulted AND pull their site, I will never, ever remove their personal information from my blog.

I used to ignore trolls, then I would get cute and funny with them, but none of that really works. The trolls keep on trollin’ along.

The only way these anonymous bullies will stop is if someone has the courage to “out” them, as Celeste has done (the timing was quite fortuitous for me - more of the goodness and glory that abounds!) and to keep outing them until they stop their emotional destruction.

So, for any of the future victims of Trainwreck, Inc., please be aware that there is a ton of personal information about these losers on my blog and it is yours for the asking. If anyone has more information to share, your additions will be welcome.

The losers are the ones who are linking here; they know this information is out, so be it.

The bullies usually cry on the playground when they finally reap the wrath of their victims.

Unfortunately, I have a most important week ahead of me and haven’t the time nor the energy for such negativity. There is nothing that will stand in the way of my taking care of myself this week and doing what I need to do for that little girl inside of me and also for what will hopefully be a little boy or girl in my future.

It brings to mind one of my favorite movie scenes:

Jules: “The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

Ezekiel 25:17




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Mar 12 2006 7:09 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Breaker, Breaker, One Nine
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

GREAT THINGS ABOUND!!!!

There is news of people that I just received via email who are having an absolutely lovely time being snarky on some blog, someone told me that their latest victim is…..ME!!!. They just love hatin’ on people. Funny that!

They are saying that I am the next trainwreck to watch. Even funnier that!

YES! They say I am a train wreck! Isn’t this most exciting??!!! WOW! Will I let them down? Will I delight and excite? Tune in…and find out! After me, perhaps we can all witness a leg amputation and place wagers as to whether it is below the knee or above!!!!!!! ohhhhhh!!!!!!!! the delights!!! the excitement!!!!!!!!!!!!

Apparently, from what I have been told, these people are particularly driven to the infertility blogs….OHHH…it IS so much fun to make fun of people!

To find out more about these people, go here:

http://trainwreckingwindbags.blogspot.com/

::

::

Now, where was I?

Much goodness to report.

I was running SO low on my lupron and when I called my lovely flower named nurse, she said that she would call in a new prescription at my local pharmacy. She promptly called me back and said that the pharmacy does indeed have lupron, perhaps of the gold variety, because it was going to cost me $875.00 to get the teeny tiny bit that I will need to complete this HMCYT protocol. She said that she wished she had given me some in a syringe when I was in on Monday so that I would have enough to tide me over. I told her that for $875.00, I would drive the two hours to their office and back home again because, after all, I am unemployed right now and I would much rather buy some new shoes or lipstick than more lupron. Being the clever one that I am, (always thinkin’….gotta always be thinkin’), I decided to load as many syringes as I could so that I could see just how short I really am, I am the Queen of getting every drop out of a vial (inject air to help with pressure and draw needle out to almost the tip and then fill)…..so, as I was making Jesus miracles with the amount of lupron and it was multiplying greatly, I remembered my envelope! In my car! For when I am away, my emergency stash of pre-loaded lupron syringes! I couldn’t remember how many I had used, nor how many I started with and I needed at least three…..and the earth shook and the skies parted and the sun shone and the envelope had three! Exactly enough with a tad extra if need be!………..

much wonderfulness was had by all (umm…me)…

but then,

wait!,

there is EVEN more magnificentness!

My dear, dear friend Kathy volunteered to give me my painful progesterone in oil shots even though she knows not what she is doing. I figured I could ask anyone and everyone for pointers, and for her as well (should she stab, dart, go slow, ice? - feel free to help in the comment section - any and all advice is much appreciated) but anyway, back to my LONG story……Kathy’s step-mother was so rude as to become deathly ill and so K had to go out of town, 5 hours away, to be with her father and help in the final days - her SM had been fighting lung cancer for six months.

So, Kathy would call to keep me updated and I had to get clever again, thinkin’, always thinkin’ and I needed a plan B for my shots. I can’t give them to myself, not that, not now and my lovely husband DEFINITELY can’t, he doesn’t even watch when I give myself injections………I did ask him to place two Vivelle patches in the middle of my back because I needed a fresh place and he seemed pleased to assist for once, only he got a ruler and a level and a compass and forty five minutes later, I had two of the most precisely placed Vivelle patches in the history of mankind……okay, I’m exaggerating, but only slightly.

So, M. is out. Kathy may be out. What could I do? Ask my nurse practitioner of a sister to fly out here and give them to me?…. not likely. Drive two hours to my RE each day?….not appealing. Then I thought I could send out a mass email to all of the lovely infertile women who lunched in December and see if anyone of them would be willing to meet me somewhere, a truck stop? TEN FOUR GOOD BUDDY…..but I DO hate to be a pain and I do hate to ask for such grandiose favors and then, just now!, Kathy called to say that her lovely step-mother passed away last night so she will be back in town for my shots! So, very well. Problem solved. It was very kind of her step-mother, very nice of her. (kidding!, lest i get more hate mail).

But wait!

That’s not all!

Two brilliant women helped me with an ipod issue and I now have meditation/visualization CDs for the weeks following the embryo transfer! It was a miracle that I was actually able to do something that technical, I did lose every song I’d ever downloaded in my life on my ipod………the damned thing kept saying “replace existing file” and I had TWO choices only: “yes” and “cancel”……….well, I could SEE the list of all of my songs that it was asking about and I kept clicking “cancel” because of course, “yes” would mean that my massive list of songs would be “REPLACED” and because I am so very, very clever and I know what “REPLACE” means, I clicked the only other option : “cancel”, and after three times of absolutely nothing happening because we all know that “cancel” means that the issue was aborted…………so then, because I think I am so clever and always thinkin’, I finally clicked “yes”, because “cancel” was so incredibly useless………..and LO AND BEHOLD!!!!!……….my awesome meditations are on my ipod………….nothing else is……nope, no scrolling hundreds of songs for me! Just two choices. Very well! I am just pleased to have them.

But wait!

There is more!

Many studies show the benefits of acupuncture pre and post transfer and I decided that I was going to seek an acupuncturist who specializes in infertility and M. would have to be my driver for the day and take me to wherever the acupuncturist was and then to my RE for the embryos and then back to the acupuncturist. I also knew that he would be irritated by this, because he is the world’s worst person behind the wheel of a car, he’s a good driver, just everyone gets on his nerves and he is so very ill mannered and well, let’s just say, that any other time both of us are in the same car, I am always the driver. The only time I am NOT behind the wheel is if I am heavily medicated. It has saved our marriage. My father said it is because M. is from Boston and apparently, “all Boston drivers are that way“….hmmmmmmm….very well. Long story, longer, I don’t fancy riding with my husband and it was looking like it was going to be a LONG day in the car with him on a day that I need to be the most relaxed.

BUT!!!

Because this post is filled with goodness and glory!!!!

I finally was put in touch with a wonderful acupuncturist who specializes in infertility, has been doing this for years, I have heard wonderful things about her, and because the first person I called couldn’t see me, nor their referral/partner, I got a call this morning that they found an amazing woman who happens to be available next Friday and because really, I am so very desperate, I didn’t care if she was in San Diego and I had to fly there but no! because this is all magnificentness! this wonderful acupuncturist is only 10 minutes from my RE and they actually met each other last month at a seminar and they discussed her coming into the office so they could work together and so they are trying to make it so my acupuncturist is able to come to the office so I don’t have to go flitting back and forth! How many millions of people live in this area???? What are the chances that a thrice removed acupuncturist is right next to my doctor and they were talking of working together!??? So, they are working the schedule to see if I can take up a room for 1 1/2 hours, that is the only detail that is tricky. She wants at least 20 minutes pre…..and then 20-30 minutes post transfer.

I am getting many things accomplished around the house and still anxiously awaiting my mural that was supposedly shipped last Friday, that would just be the icing on my pie if the doorbell rings and it is the UPS man with my mural.

**********PLEASE, PLEASE, LET THIS BE THE SIGN OF THINGS TO COME! IT IS NOT MORE THAN AN HOUR AFTER I POSTED THIS AND MY DOORBELL DID INDEED RING AND IT WAS INDEED MY MURAL AND IT DOES INDEED LOOK DEVINE! ……….excuse me while i go get some lottery tickets………




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 9 2006 3:01 PM Updated: Tue, Mar 14 2006 3:06 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Hollah!
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Wow, so this is what it’s like to wake up without an alarm on a Tuesday!

I give myself a grade of C- for my resignation speech. I did say a little much to exaggerate my need for an immediate departure. I think I said something about cysts and ultrasounds and disturbing blood work and worried doctor’s eyes and well, it was disgraceful. The only thing I was truthful about was that I was dying…..I mean really, we all are, you know.

Okay.

D- then .

It’s not like I could tell the truth, truth. Well, I suppose I could, but really, let’s not get carried away here.

So, I have to call back this afternoon to inform them of my faux follow-up appointment today and then that should put a nail in the coffin of my work experience with that God awful place.

Okay.

F it is.

It is just not like me to be vague and distant and if I really was on the verge of canceling this cycle or having massive disturbing estrogen filled cysts, well, I just had to be dramatic and emotional and weepy and well, I did rush to get off the phone because I was just so upset about my fictitious ailment.

Okay.

I SUCK!

I get an F- .

It is almost all behind me now and it feels good, F- be damned.

.

I hadn’t been to my doctor’s office since last August. The nurse and receptionist hugged me upon seeing me and asked if I was excited. Ummm….well…..”no“, I said, “I’m scared to death deep inside” and then the lovely flower named nurse told me that it was normal to feel that way but they were all so very hopeful for me.

After drawing my blood, I was taken to the exam room and on the way there, my favorite nurse who has my exact same birthday! led the way:

It started off well, when the nurse asked how I was feeling, I answered with a question, “has this protocol been done on anyone other than lab animals?”

She asked if it was bad, and I answered, “let’s just say, it would be nice if lab rats could talk”

She said at least I don’t have to do retrieval this time, and I answered, “I’ve been giving myself two shots a day since the end of January!, I would have already had a beta result by now which means….oh wait, you may have a point….. that means that I would probably be in the dark depths of hell right now, so, yes, I suppose I should be happy that I am on this never-ending protocol”

When leading me into the exam room, she said that I didn’t have to take off my skirt if I didn’t want to, that I could just pull it up. I said, “good, I want to look nice for the doctor, do I have to take off my panties?”

She said that he would be in shortly to check my lining and I said, “well, it better be the best, most luscious and glorious and stupendous, magnificentest lining he’s ever seen in his life.” and then she told me she has missed me and then shut the door.

Because I was there fifteen minutes early, I ended up being alone in that room for a while. It was the same room where they performed my last transfer. Hearing the familiar sounds and feeling the warm hugs made me weepy and I tried to stop myself because I didn’t want to cry there, I wanted us to chuckle and laugh and be happy and silly and light-hearted because I didn’t know if I could stop if I did start crying.

When Dr. Next came into the room, I wept immediately. I love that man.

He said he was glad to see me, that I looked wonderful and then he hugged me. I said that I was scared. And he said that he knew. He knew.

The nurse gave me a tissue and I said I was sorry for being so emotional. I told them that I am being as positive as I can, I am taking care of myself, and it was just a bad moment right now.

Dr. Next was very encouraging when he performed the ultrasound and said that anything over 10mm is gravy, but it is good gravy and that my ovaries are completely silent so he has lowered my lupron to 3 units, twice a day, instead of 5 units. He said that he would call me next Thursday afternoon to let us know how the embryos were looking and that he would see me that Friday morning for the transfer. “You mean I don’t come back before then?, I won’t see you until transfer?, I don’t have to have more ultrasounds and bloodwork? I am left on my own until then?” and he said that “everything looked perfect and unless my bloodwork showed something, there was no need to do anything than look forward to St. Patrick’s Day.”

We then discussed “The Straws”. They put two embryos in each straw before freezing them and he wanted to talk to me about how many straws they were going to withdraw from the deep freeze. I told him that I was under the impression that we were thawing all of them and he said it was up to me, I had a brief positive when they put in seven Grade 1’s for IVF#3, and I could be aggressive or conservative. Nothing makes sense other than to thaw all ten embryos and he agreed. I think they just want to make sure that I know that I had the final say in it all. Therefore, I am fully responsible for any and all consequences.

For me, that is probably the hardest thing about being out about my infertility. When I am asked how many were transferred, I feel the gasps and nods of disapproval. People want me to get pregnant but only if it involves the least amount of risk. If I was 23 years old and they were being this aggressive, well, that is one thing, but alas, I am 42 with a history of failed IVFs in spite of my glorious eggs and embryos so it is “damn the torpedoes” for me.

Thankfully, there is an embryologist who has given me such sage advice as well. Thank you “bcc” for mentioning him once, because that made my blog come up when he googled his name. He has been extremely honest and forthright about his professional opinion about my particular case. Thank you Dr. T.!

So, I am to keep on keepin’ on until next Friday.

I do hope to redeem myself this afternoon when I put the nail in my work coffin. I want to make myself proud…

I am not a wuss….

I am NOT a wuss….

I AM NOT A WUSS…..




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Mar 7 2006 10:53 AM Updated: Tue, Mar 7 2006 1:36 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
PERFECT!
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I SO heart my doctor.

Lining = 12 mm
E2 = Excellent

SIG: continue on HMCYT protocol

Rx: 3/16 - thaw date
3/17 - transfer the mother load




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Mar 6 2006 5:50 PM Updated: Mon, Mar 6 2006 7:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Finding Me-mo
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I almost ripped off my Vivelle patches today. The patches were on my left hip and within an hour, that ovary felt like it was growing cysts at warp speed. I feel antsy, achy, extremely emotional, I can’t concentrate and I make no sense. I walk into a room to get something and forget what I am after…..I find myself standing in rooms and being lost because I can’t remember what brought me there.

I looked up the drug information on Vivelle and really, I should know better. Not only did I have most of the side effects but I actually increased my symptoms ten fold by the mere power of suggestion.

I told M. that if I could, I would pull rip these little band-aids from hell off but I can’t and won’t because that would mean that I have to start this FET all over again and I have to get those embryos because I want this to work more than anything and I have almost killed myself for the past four years and it all comes down to this and why does it have to be so incredibly difficult and……. He told me to try to take a nap and so he put me in bed and turned the television on so I could get distracted and not think of my rupturing ovary and crawly skin, and I ended up sleeping for four hours. I have never been so uneasy before in my life. I am not myself.

This is my first day with two fresh Vivelles and I think I OD’d a bit. I imagine myself going for my ultrasound and blood draw on Monday and they tell me something horrible is happening. This cannot be normal.

I am such a baby. I swear to goodness, I admire Amanda so much. She and I have been through about the same number of IVFs at about the same time and she has had TWO of these HMCYT (How Much Can You Take) FET protocols. I don’t remember her whining about it, she took it like a champ. AND, I might add, she is only 28, she was 23 when she started all of this infertility crap.

I swear, I cannot do this anymore. I hate to type that and scare someone because I may feel better tomorrow, but damn, this is awful. This is far worse than any of my IUIs or IVFs……..this kind of brings back the clomid nightmare memories, how I was so out of sync with myself but even worse.

I’m quite sure that none of this is making sense, how do you make something clear when it comes from such a mumbled place?

I can’t describe my uneasiness other than it reminds me of when I used to get anxiety attacks, that displaced type of feeling, only I’m not panicky about it……..I’m just dull but also extremely weepy and emotional.

Of course, I will discuss all of this with my doctor and my favorite flower named nurse who loves me so much and I am sure that they will say, “Julianna, you are fine. Julianna, you are doing great. Julianna, not too much more.”

Only there is more, two whole weeks more and then what?

I swear to goodness, if my embryos all die during the thaw, and I did this for nothing, I will ask them to give me some heavy duty barbiturates. Since I am such a pussy and I have never done drugs, I don’t even know what to ask for……….General anesthesia for a week?

I also wonder what happens after the FET, so they wind me up, suppress me so fully and totally to then release the handle of my jack-in-the-box so I come flying out with great energy and speed and it takes me forever to gather my bits and re-assemble myself? I imagine myself like a top being wound tight and when they let me go, I will be chaos in action. How do they expect my body to recover on it’s own? Sure, I’ll have the progesterone, I think I will still have these damned patches until beta day, and then what? If my beta is what it has always been, a resounding failure, they just let me go? How will I collect the shattered pieces of me? What then?

That will make a negative beta ten times suckier with my body so completely and thoroughly out of whack.

I had a little dinner party last night and I made a complete and total ass out of myself. No, REALLY. At one point, I noticed they were all looking at each other and looking at M. with that “WTF, DO SOMETHING!” type of look and I just kept going and going and going…………

It all started jovially, we sat to eat and I made a toast to myself about being a housewife and of course, they asked why I quit my job, and well, because I just cannot SHUT UP! and because it is such a long and detailed story and because I am so very verbose, I went on and on and on about the office drama, I started at day one and didn’t catch my breath until at the end where I noticed that most of them were done with their salads and I hadn’t made a dent in mine, I think that it was about at the end of the first quarter of my story that the tears started and because I am me, my sobs accelerated at great speed until I was finding myself heaving and having to take deep breaths in order to continue…………I noticed their horrored faces and I didn’t know if it was because of the story I was telling or because I was making such a huge and complete ass of myself sobbing like that. They were gracious enough to let me finish and because I had such swollen eyes and a really snotty napkin, well, let’s just say that it was downhill from there. I proceeded to drink way too much red wine and well, there is nothing worse than a very tipsy, sobbing, snotty napkined hostess who not only wipes her nose and blows large sums of snot dramatically, but also wipes her eyes and mouth with the same cloth. Yep. Not my best moment.

Poor M. Poor him. He just sat there, not knowing what to do.

They did all agree that it was one fucked up story but that I needed to gather hold of myself. Okay. Good. Very well. I do wish I could just forget about it but it’s not like I can flip a switch. I have got to concentrate on me right now and trust that everything is being done that can be done.

Here is my test. It does take ten times the effort to be happy and I need to fight for myself more. Whining and being a baby are not conducive for anything right now and this is the fight of my life. It is time to suck it up and soldier on.

I’ll be damned if this FET is going to fail because of anything to do with me or my stress level.

I want my main concern to be whether I get in my jacuzzi two, three, or four times in any given day and how to keep those damn Vivelle patches on in the process. Since I have to switch off every other day, I soak with reckless abandon on day 2, when I know they will be replaced. On day one, since I have had them on my arms, I have been able to keep them isolated but now I am out of arm room and we have moved to the hips so I need to figure out a clever way to isolate the patches so I can soak as much as my heart desires on any given day.

So there. What a dilemma!

My mural should arrive in the next few days, so then I will have to make such huge decisions as which backsplash idea I like the best and how pretty I can make things around here. Do I go on the diagonal with the tiles or keep it square like the mural will be, what tiles will I choose, will I go full back splash on the end walls or will one row be suffice, will I pick the tile that can get here in two days or the tile that takes at least three weeks, should I put tile under the barstool area to make it look more finished?……………ho hum. What a tough life.

I do think I am going to lay off on the entertaining for a while. I am clearly sinking fast in that area.

Very well.

Carry on.

Pump Up The Volume.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Mar 4 2006 6:12 PM Updated: Mon, Mar 6 2006 7:05 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Can’t Eat, I Can’t Sleep
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I may have slept two hours last night, if that. I am very deeply disturbed and completely shocked at my lack of ability to see what was really going on in front of my eyes.

It was almost the perfect crime.

Nothing seemed to gel with their niece from day one, unfortunately I added up all of the weird events and chalked it up to Jill being stupid and a delinquent.

It all started when they brought her to the office unexpectedly, she had a uniform that matched ours and she had a name tag (which means it was ordered weeks before her arrival).

They never mentioned Jill coming to work, not even to the office manager. We were all shocked to see their niece, ready for work, fresh from the Kansas Plains.

.

They said Jill wanted to go into dentistry but her actions showed that she had absolutely no interest in anything going on in that office. I even called her “Useless” behind her back………”Did Useless do this?”, “Did Useless do that?”, and Angel and I would laugh and laugh.

.

I found Jill odd, she didn’t make eye contact. I remember thinking that she had the body language of an abused child. However, I knew she was 18, came out to California to follow a dream (or so we were told), and she just seemed apathetic and lazy. Eventually, I lost all respect for her work ethics because she was Useless in the office. Conversations were never easy, unless she was alone (without TBW and bossman), then, she changed. Now I see that it was like she was begging to be saved like a kidnapped child might at a 7-11 if given the chance.

In the few weeks of her working there, I added up the facts as I saw them and concluded that Jill was a lazy, irresponsible, incredibly immature, liar. It was just TOO hard to believe that her aunt and uncle were keeping food from her like she said……….The first time we had lunch, she gulped up four CocaColas and begged me not to tell her aunt…………well, that was odd, I thought. Jill was odd.

When I heard that TBW was extremely involved and chaperoning all of the social functions between Jack and Jill, well, I always knew TBW was weird and I could totally see her trying to be young and cool and hip.

Jill was very lonely and homesick her first week, she wanted to fly back home so TBW thought that getting her a peer would keep her in California, that is why TBW beckoned Jack. Jack and Jill got too close. That was the fatal flaw.

Jack DID have to make sure Jill was home by 8:00 pm and Angel even asked TBW about the curfew. TBW said that she is the sole responsible party and she would die if anything happened to Jill under her watch………well, TBW is odd, soooooooo…..okay.

I noticed Jill had ZERO interest in dentistry and I asked her what her passion was and she said “emergency room nursing“. Huh? I thought she came out here for 6 weeks because dentistry was her passion?

Everything, in my mind, kept adding up to Jill being odd. Hell, I knew her aunt was odd, so the acorn and all that.

I have just broken the world’s record for using the word “odd” in consecutive paragraphs. I am at a loss for words. “Odd”, it is.

Angel and Jill went to lunch one day and they had very little time, Dr. bossman asked where they were going and when Angel said “McDonald’s“, he scorned Jill and said that she knew she was not allowed to eat fast food. (Ummmm…..HELLO!……..The clue phone was ringing loudly but no one was home). Angel said they would go to the deli then……….the deli was full and so they ended up going to McDonald’s after all and as soon as they came back to the office, Dr. bossman asked where they went and they both said “McDonald’s” and he was obviously VERY pissed. When Angel told me this, I thought how weird that is and then assumed that Jill has some issues that we were not aware of………when 1 + 1 does not equal 2, something is missing. I imagined Jill had an eating disorder? Hell, that was the only thing that made sense to me……perhaps she purged and gorged????? She WAS tiny! What the hell do I know?

The last time I took Jill to lunch, she again sucked down as many sodas as she possibly could and again complained of the lack of sugar and caffeine and her strict diet at their house. She also complained about how lonely she was, she wanted to go home but her mother was coming in a few weeks. I asked Jill if she did something that she wasn’t telling me, I asked if she stayed out way late one night and she said “no“. I asked her if she was in trouble in Kansas, is that why she was sent here? and she emphatically said “no!”. I told her that things didn’t add up, why would TBW and bossman be so strict with her and she said that “they are trying to be my parent and they don’t know how“. Wellllll………..oooooookkkkkaaaaaayyyyyyy.

So, I see this very apathetic, lazy girl at the office who supposedly moved here for a few weeks to learn dentistry and I hear these TALL tales that make no sense.

Then, when TBW told me that Jill said that I made her try wasabi at lunch and she was in tears, well, that was it. I wiped my slate clean of Jill. She was not worth my time. Clearly, the girl was disturbed.

Why in the world would TBW exaggerate the wasabi lunch story to me? It made no sense. It HAD to be Jill. Jill HAD to be a compulsive liar.

I never asked her to lunch again and I barely acknowledged her during the day.

I don’t play games.

It was ALMOST the perfect crime. Had Angel’s son not befriended this sad and lonely girl, I would never have known the truth. The last I heard, Jill was caught on the phone with her brother in Kansas and was overheard talking about what a bitch TBW is and how miserable she is and how she wants to go home. That is all I would know about why Jill suddenly disappeared. I would assume that Jill was shipped off, had it it not been for Angel.

The timing of TBWs cycle never even occurred to me. She is crazy and does things every single day that don’t add up…………we are even moving into a brand new office next week and that is when she is supposed to be doing the heavy duty drugs for IVF. I even asked her about that timing and she said her RE runs on 3 month cycles and even though she doesn’t want a Christmas baby, bossman didn’t want her to wait longer. I think the real deal is that they needed to work with Jill’s schedule, she took a break from school for this.

Jill seems poor. I imagine her mother is poor from everything that was said……$15,000.00 is a lot of money to them. I remember TBW telling me that she hadn’t seen her father in 18 years and he lived in Kansas………I don’t think that TBW is close to her family. I think that Jill had only met her aunt once before coming out here. So, AGAIN, odd.

Angel told me that part of the deal is that Jill is to never, ever speak a word of it. So, since she told Jack, and Jack told his mom, and his mom told me, and I told the internet……….well, Jill may be shit out of luck with the money.

As of now, Jill is isolated at the TBW house. They are controlling every single aspect of that girl’s life, they own her.

The even sicker part is that TBW and bossman have zero consciousness of guilt. If they get busted, I am sure that they will be outraged that anyone thinks they are doing anything unethical and immoral.

Jill’s mother is coming to be with her during the retrieval surgery and recovery.

Jill is forbidden from leaving the house un-escorted and she is banned from ever seeing Jack again. Jill calls Jack secretly during the day. Jill will not be coming back to the office.

Jill talks to her mother every single day.

Honestly, what Jill is doing IS a form of prostitution. She needs the money, her mother is pushing her to do it and technically, Jill is an adult.

Why doesn’t her mother love her enough to rescue her own child? I am SURE that Jill is telling her mother everything.

The cold hard truth is that TBW and Jill’s mother are USELESS (that may be a new world record for the word “useless”, I’m on a roll). Jill is extremely immature and is being used by everyone.

What was TBW talking about when she hinted at frustrations with her RE? Do they hear clue phones ringing???? Surely, they must sense something is wrong.

I have to analyze why all of this bothers me so……………it has rocked my core.

I think that a lot of it has to do with the fact that I have always considered myself extremely sensitive to the human plight. My heart aches for people in need and although I don’t waste time on delinquents, I pride myself in going above and beyond for those who are desperate and needing. I thought I was so intuitive.

My younger sister is a single mother and I try to help out as best I can………..if I ever hear of a child needing ANYTHING, I will do whatever I can to help……….A.N.Y.T.H.I.N.G……..

I just thought I was more in touch than all of this.

I am ashamed that I snubbed this very desperate and lonely 18 year old. I am obviously not as in touch with the human spirit as I thought I was…………..

Looking back, I now see the cries for help that I ignored.

I am completely heart sick.

I remember seeing her panicked eyes when I answered her question about “how do they get your eggs out with IVF?” and I honestly told her what it is like without sedation. I said something like, “It is like being harpooned to death, only it won’t kill you“. I took that look to be of innocence and I never imagined it was actually horror that I was seeing in that girl’s eyes.

I now see that TBW desperately had to keep Jill away from me and I also know that TBW may be many things, but she is, above all else, very smart. I have always felt the sub-conscious volleyball match between us. I despise TBW but there was never anything I could directly point to, it was all subtle evilness, it was never anything that I could really call her on and be validated about. TBW knew that if she exaggerated the wasabi story, I would not want to be with Jill. It worked brilliantly.

TBW has some serious psychological disorder that I don’t know the meaning of as yet. Is she a sociopath? A schizophrenic? Is she just a sick bitch?

I must limit my circle of influence right now.

My husband is such an amazing asshole because he truly believes that there are any number of thousands of idiots in the world who can interfere with one’s day and he refuses to let other people affect him. He simply does not let the morons of the world penetrate his space. Honestly, he doesn’t even give them any regard.

.

.

I went into work and I spoke to Angel privately.

.

I told Angel that I was still very disturbed about Jill. “My heart is sick“, I said.

“Mine too.”, Angel said.

.

I told Angel that Jill needs to be protected but she also needs to be supported.

Angel said that her son is very disturbed by everything and she knows he will try to help her.

I told Angel several things:

1. Jill needs help ASAP.

2. Jill may need the money desperately so she may choose to suffer the consequences - technically, that’s her business and she is an adult.

3. Jill should seek out a social worker to help her

4. Jill could talk to an attorney about her fears and tribulations and have a counsel that she can trust. I even mentioned that I thought the minimum age was 21 for egg donors, so she needs to look into that.

5. Jill could talk to the RE head nurse about her captive state in the TBW home.

I am concerned about Jill talking to the RE. TBW is very smart and powerful. Jill doesn’t stand a chance against her.

I am hopeful that Jill will seek legal counsel.

.

I need to protect myself.

I really cannot believe how incredibly out of touch I was about everything.

At the end of the day yesterday, TBW came into my room and saw me drinking water.

She said, “I have decided that I am not going to change any of my habits for this pregnancy . I’m not drinking water, I’m not changing my diet, it is more stressful to follow all the rules than it is just to live normally.”

I stared at her long and hard. I was hoping that if I really paid attention, I would see the hints of her evil heart coming through. There was nothing.

She kept talking about how she is relaxing this time and she kept referring to her pregnancy.

I looked deep into her eyes for a long time, she probably thought I was admiring something, there was absolutely no hint of deception anywhere.

She is one sick puppy.

They don’t know it yet, but they will never see me again.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 2 2006 7:38 AM Updated: Thu, Mar 2 2006 9:34 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
It Just Gets Better And Better
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Sometimes (very few times!), I am completely shocked at how incredibly wrong I can be.

I think I have a form of ADD when it comes to the written word. When I start to read something and there are more than three characters involved, well, I just go numb in the head. I can’t keep track of everyone anymore and I just get annoyed. This is going to be one of those kind of posts. I may even get on my own nerves.

Here are the coming characters:

Bossman: my boss whom I respect and admire professionally
TBW: The Bosses Wife, whom I abhor (she just graduated from dental hygiene school and I have been practicing for 20 years, she tells me how to do my job, she behaves like she is my boss)
Angel: the new assistant in the office whom I adore, she is my age and has 4 children (aged 3 - 23)
Jill: TBW’s very immature 18 yr. old niece who lives in Kansas
Jack: Angel’s very responsible 23 yr. old son

As most of you know, I work with the only woman on the planet who hates children, thinks pregnant women are fat and ugly, she has no maternal instincts whatsoever and yet she is about to undergo her THIRD! IVF. She also happens to be scheduled for her embryo retrieval and transfer the exact week AND DAY! that I am to get my much loved embiciles. Honestly! What are the odds of that? St. Patrick’s Day is the scheduled transfer for both of us. That means that I am going to be doing a 2 ww with this “thing (TBW)” and hearing about how she doesn’t even like babies. The only good thing is that I will get my beta before she does because I will not be getting an HCG shot, so my beta can be ASAP. (remember that I said I have never been so wrong in my life)

I haven’t even blogged about how inappropriate she really is and I have a gut feeling that I am about to get busted talking about her so freely here and I imagine myself getting fired rather abruptly.

Somehow, that doesn’t stop me from venting in my personal space. I have had three dreams that I got called into bossman’s office and he confronted me about my blog and then promptly fired me, thankfully, even in my dreams, I never apologized or was remorseful. The truth hurts; none of this is exaggerated, nor fictional.

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Angel has worked in the office for about two months (since Sarra left) and I get along with her splendidly. She is very quiet, smart and sensitive.

I am not in the closet about my infertility and multiple IVFs. The office knows about my heartache and struggles, on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, bossman has even been giving me my 9:00 am lupron shots so that my thighs and belly can get a break.

Angel asked me a few weeks ago how I can deal with TBW. She said that TBW gets on her nerves so badly and she is so inappropriate when she talks about pregnant women and getting pregnant and how ugly infants are and how she knows she will get triplets and she will take them in a box to a grocery store with a sign “free to good home” and how she asks constantly about how old a child has to be to be put in boarding school and Angel has even noticed that TBW has ZERO maternal instincts when it comes to babies or children.

Angel said that she wanted me to know that she cannot imagine how hard it is for someone like me to listen to such bullshit, that if it bothers her so much, she knows it must drive me crazy.

I told Angel that she had no idea how difficult it has been for me.

Angel then told me that she had a present for me and it was a candle that was scented with baby powder and it actually has a little (teeny-tiny) plastic baby inside. She also said that her mother is gifted with prayer and she asked her mother to pray for me and my embryos.

I tried not to cry as hard as I needed to, I just let a few tears well up so I didn’t make too much of a fool of myself.

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TBW’s niece came to live with them for six weeks because she was taking a break from college and was thinking of going into dentistry. We’ll call her “Jill”. Jill is a VERY immature 18 year old. She fainted the first day she was in the office, flat on her face and out for at least 5 minutes FAINTED! She was pale and not well for the rest of the day.

Jill has been in the office for three weeks. I took her to lunch that first week and she told me how much she hated her aunt and she went on to tell me many horror stories about her treatment at their home. Jill said that her aunt tries to control every move she makes and that she is not allowed to eat sugar, fast food, caffeine, salt or many carbohydrates. Jill said that she fainted because of the lack of sugar in her system and she was only given fruit for breakfast. She said that she is in bed at 8:00 pm every evening and she is not allowed to eat french fries. Jill is 5′2″ and I don’t think she weighs 100 pounds. She is VERY thin.

TBW asked Angel to bring her son (Jack) to the office so Jill could meet someone her own age. Jill needed a peer while in California, and Jack fit the bill.

Jack and Jill got along fabulously. Jill may have even gotten a crush on Jack. Jack was very polite and took Jill to dinner a few times but TBW demanded to tag along as an escort. Jack told his mother how weird TBW was and he thought she wanted to be young and hip and cool, like them.

Angel and I took Jill to lunch last Tuesday. We went to a sushi restaurant and since Jill is from the state where Dorothy and Toto hail, she had never had sushi. She vented much more about her aunt and uncle and said she was miserable. She hated them even. We had Jill try some california rolls and teriyaki chicken and when she thought wasabi was guacamole, we told her to taste it. She put an eraser sized amount on her fork and I told her that was way too much and she needed to try a tiny dot. She put a pin point amount on a tine of her fork and was laughing at how weird it tasted, she said it reminded her of paint.

The following day, TBW came up to me and told me that Jill is forbidden from eating lunch with me because I made her try wasabi and TBW said that Jill told her she was almost in tears because it hurt her throat so badly.

So, I flitted away as I always do when TBW speaks to me and said that Jill seemed to have a lovely time at lunch.

The more I thought about it, the more pissed I became. I took Jill to lunch twice, she vented mercilessly about her hatred for her aunt and uncle and I supported her. I never said anything bad about her relatives because I knew how immature she was, but I supported her emotionally. I told her that I cared about her and that I was very concerned when she fainted. I encouraged her to talk to her mother and she said that she talked to her mother daily and her mother was flying out here in two weeks to confront TBW. In my mind, after all of this, Jill had the nerve to go to her aunt and bitch about ME???!!!!

Sometimes people lie. I believe that it is important for people who lie to be confronted with the truth. They need to know that it usually, always, comes back to you. Jill is extremely immature and obviously!, she lied. TBW may be incredibly odd, but I could not imagine her starving her already emaciated niece. I could not imagine TBW making her anorexic looking niece go to bed at 8:00 pm………OBVIOUSLY, Jill was a liar.

I confronted Jill while we were passing in the hallway and asked her why she told her aunt that she wanted to cry at the sushi restaurant. Jill said that her aunt was lying and then she promptly ducked into the bathroom looking like she was in tears.

I thought she was embarrassed, and she should be, and it was good that she got busted lying. I don’t play. Jill should learn her lesson about lying and the sooner, the better, as far as I am concerned.

Well, last week, Angel told me that her son (”Jack”) was very concerned about “Jill”. Angel told me that Jill cried constantly about her state of affairs and that TBW (her aunt) overheard her talking on the phone and she (Jill) was saying how much she hated TBW and she wanted to fly back home (where Dorothy and Toto hail). Jill desperately wanted to go back home and TBW and bossman wouldn’t let her leave. Jack told his mother (Angel) that something is terribly wrong with this picture.

Angel whispered to me that Jill is banned from the office and that she won’t be coming back. I asked if she got sent back to Kansas, and Angel said, “no”.

This afternoon, Angel told me she had something she needed to tell me but that I had to not tell anybody. Is my computer anybody?

Angel’s son is forbidden from ever seeing Jill again. Jill calls Jack secretly, he is her only friend out here and she feels very isolated. Jack told his mother (Angel), in confidence, that he is very concerned for his new friend Jill.

Today, Angel told me the secret.

Angel pulled me to the side and said that she thought I should be warned:

TBW is probably going to get pregnant this time because Jill has been brought to California to be an egg donor.

Jack is forbidden from seeing Jill ever again and Jill is forbidden from coming into the office.

My heart is completely sick for that poor girl.

Jill is getting paid $15,000.00 to be TBW’s egg donor. Jill said that her mother (TBW’s sister) made her do it and she is scared and miserable out here.

Jill is TBW’s egg slave. TBW is controlling every little moment in that poor girl’s life. TBW is making her go to bed at 8:00 pm, TBW is making her eat certain foods, TBW is micro-managing every detail of that poor girl’s life. TBW did not want her to have lunch with me, TBW did not want to risk her niece hearing about my IVFs or any of my truthful experiences. TBW is a controlling, evil, witch.

TBW told me just last week that she “is not as sensitive about IVF, like I am“!!!………….

I really, Really, REALLY wish I had a great therapist out here so I could find out the root of why this bothers me so much.

How dare that bitch poo-poo my heartache and pain.

There are so many things that I cannot bring to the surface that bother me to the core about this entire situation.

The chances are 40-60% that she will get pregnant with her egg donor, I cannot imagine enduring her wrath.

Obviously, she will have a beta ASAP because she will have no HCG in her system.

The odds are very good that I will be unemployed in about three weeks.

I cannot and will not work with her if she is pregnant and I am not.

I cannot and will not withstand that kind of torture.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Feb 28 2006 9:38 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
“Before” And “During”
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

click any picture to enlarge



BEFORE - my dinner party three weeks ago



AND NOW

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It all started with Starting Over II, every time those women walked into that kitchen, they were upstaged as far as I was concerned. I have only been able to find one picture of that kitchen and unfortunately, these women are in the way so I can’t see the backsplash area well, nor the hardware. The tone of the cabinets was the same as mine, so I knew the yellow/gold tone granite would work well.



BEFORE - wet bar



BEFORE - with mural idea



What the mural will look like - artist in Texas is transferring image on 6×6 tumbled tile



BEFORE bar nub



Disgusting sink and MASSIVE grout lines



Enough said



Disgusting stove and MASSIVE grout lines that will never stay clean



BYE BYE UGLY BLUE



ALMOST GONE



HELLO GRANITE!!!!



My BFF Justin



My BFF Hector



Freaky Holes



END OF DAY ONE



Before the corbels, just a tease



My Bad Ass Super Deep Sink



the wet bar granite



Counter sunk round sink with offset faucet



Corbels in place



The granite up close



END OF DAY TWO



Hard to believe in less than 48 hours so much has been accomplished… the drywall is fixed and now it is decision time for the backsplash.

As always, these pictures are temporary.

I opened a new flickr acct for the remodel and more pictures are visible there under a slideshow option if you’re feelin’ particularly nosey…but, of course, not for long.

I am playing around with the backsplash tile and have a few more samples coming in this week so I should have some awesome options available.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Feb 26 2006 11:02 PM Updated: Mon, Feb 27 2006 9:08 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Cough….cough….AHHHchhhooooooo
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Damn, remodeling a kitchen is not only stressful, but I believe I may be getting dust lung (a new disease I just made up).

I cannot tell you how sweet it is of so many of you out there to send me good luck wishes and even offer such wonderful condolences and I enjoyed reading examples of how others made it through - thank you for the emails!

I still find it amazing that all of this began Thursday morning. I am still holed up on Sunday morning in my bedroom. The heat is still off so as to not spread the dust disease throughout our home. We are doing a good job of keeping it self-contained.

So, I will have “Before And During” pictures this afternoon………….who knows when the “After” will get here.

I am definitely over the hump.

This was an absolutely brilliant idea to keep my mind off of my “How Much Can You Take” FET (HMCYT FET), time is not only flying by right now but it is at warp speed.

I have been going non-stop since Thursday and am completely exhausted.

My new BFFs are Hector, Luis and Justin. They rocked the house, literally.

****pictures to follow this evening****




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Feb 26 2006 9:29 AM Updated: Sun, Feb 26 2006 10:06 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
I’m A Bloggin’ Fool
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

It is very late.

I have completely, totally, and thoroughly prepared for the demolition experts to enter my home tomorrow in the a.m..

My Sharp’s container is getting happily filled, my first ever Vivelle patch is still adhering itself to the middle of my back.

I must admit that it itches quite terribly and I catch myself scratching that little hormone filled bubble of a band-aid.

I never looked at the Vivelle patches until this morning, well, of course, that is mostly due to the fact that they are sealed in a hermetically whatever package.

They are quite tiny.

Perhaps 3″ by 1″……………

Still, I could easily trim them to be a lovely, little flower.

So, here we are.

Lupron filled.

Menopause induced.

Estrogen fueling.

I’m ready for the take off, but not quite ready for the landing.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Feb 22 2006 11:15 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Does Lupron Cause Psychosis?
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

So, I don’t know, I’m not even half way into my “Let’s See How Much You Can Take” FET protocol, my itty bitty Sharp’s container is 3/4 of the way full of my used needles and syringes and I can finally, FINALLY start my Vivelle patches tomorrow in the a.m. which is a huge milestone that I thought I would never see come because looking at the start date calendar way, WAY back in January, the patch start seemed as far away as Mars…………

Forgive me, that was getting ready to be one hell of a long sentence…………

I may not use alcohol swabs anymore for my millions of injections, but I am stabbing myself like clockwork, 12 hours apart…………9:00 am and 9:00 pm…………..I can’t imagine missing it, everything I do revolves around those chimes on a clock…………..I keep loaded syringes in my car, just in case I am out somewhere, or at work, or if I mess up and spill some, I will always have a backup………already, I have used my car stash. I was at a friend’s house, helping her reupholster dining room chairs and I saw the clock passing 8:30 and then 8:45…………..normally, I would have had to go home, but because I am brilliant, I merely went to my car and got a fix from my envelope.

My girlfriend (who has never held a syringe in her life) even gave me the shot in my hip because my thighs and belly are becoming too used.

The lupron headaches have started up in the past three days, and although tempted, I have not yet called my flower named nurse for some kind of narcotic. I am really, really, really trying to stick it out with the ES Tylen0l, the nausea seems to be waning.

She told me that the headaches are because of the estrogen so I am hopeful that tomorrow, when I begin the estrogen patches, my pain will cease.

I finally looked at my Vivelle patches, all of them are .1 mg………….I am to change it every other day, never reapply to the same area in any given week, and soon, I will be up to twice dosage (two patches) and finally, in the end, I will be up to three patches…………….do they think I am an elephant? How in the hell am I supposed to come up with a fresh spot on my “back, shoulders, hips, chest or abdomen” if I am going to be up to THREE! 3! patches every other day?????

Also, please, PUHLEASE!, help me understand where my chest is if I am under strict bold written warning to “never, ever, ever apply the patch to the breasts”.

Do I have a chest that is not my breast?

Is there something that I am unaware of with human anatomy?

So, that leaves my shoulders, hips, back and abdomen - building up to three patches, every other day, and not to apply patches to the same area in a given week.

I imagine myself looking like a child who is trying to get attention with band-aids in the end.

I have many entrepreneurial ideas, one of which is making cool ceiling posters for dental offices and OB/GYN offices…….something that would be humourous, pretty, or better yet, calendar themes that would have to be changed monthly to guarantee repeat orders…………….but now, seeing these dreadful estrogen patches, I have an even better idea……..I want to make these patches pretty, I want to be able to pick from a box of Vivelle-aids like I would pick postcard pictures….or flowers…………..

okay.

very well.

If anyone ever does my little ceiling poster idea, they will make a fortune!




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Feb 21 2006 10:13 PM Updated: Mon, Feb 27 2006 8:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Let Me, Introduce You…
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

First, I must confess, this wired-hub runs out on March 17th (isn’t that ironic it is also my transfer date), so I have a conflict on my hands….Approach/Approach? Approach/Avoidance? Avoidance/Avoidance?Nevertheless………..Houston, we have a conflict.

I haven’t decided if I am going to renew for another full year. It’s kind of like paying for a years worth of parking on a jalopy.

If there is no blog here one day, and everything goes POOF into the galaxy, I will be at my old blogspot space until beta day (I am guessing around March 27th).

Since all of my family is 3,000 miles away and because I have a ton going on in the coming weeks, AND because this is coming to an end, I am going public to my family members.

I will delete this post before sending them the URL, I anticipate our new guests on Friday. Now, mind you!, once, when I was on “H0llyw00d Squ*ares” and I told everyone the air date, not a single family member saw it….they claimed it didn’t air there, or they forgot, or whatever…..so, all of this may be for naught.

I will be watching my language (please, PLEASE stay away trolls), and I also need for people out there to know who is who so that they don’t inadvertently slam one of my family members when they say they are praying for me and that everything happens for a reason and that I need to pray more or that I need to move on.

Here are the coming characters:

Mother (Momma/Mom): She is an angel, very sweet, never says anything bad about anybody and gets nervous easily. Her heart hurts for me and she tells everyone who will listen about my IVFs and then she tells me with eagerness some urban legends when she hears about them. Her entire church is praying for me and I am sure that she reports minute by minute updates so that the prayer chain can be properly updated. She will be 62 on March 21, she is praying that she gets a miracle this year on her birthday and even though I told her that we will not know until probably March 27th, and she knows the odds, she still believes. My mother had three daughters, one year apart, by the time she was 22 years of age.

I am the middle daughter, and my sisters and I could not be any different.

April: my older sister, we are only 14 months apart. April is not religious, is very athletic, is a Nurse Practitioner, very pragmatic and is married to an equally athletic man for many years. They have a great life, travel often and well. She has never wanted children and cannot understand my pursuit. She cannot relate to my pain and deep down, I think that she probably thinks that I bring heartache on myself. She thinks I should appreciate my great life and move on. She doesn’t even ask me about my infertility anymore. I think she thinks it is futile at this point. If she ever comments, it should be interesting…hopefully, we won’t argue here, in front of everyone. She is also a die hard liberal, despises Bush, and hates that I am a Republican. Neither of us back down whilst debating, our husbands finally ask us to stop already.

June: My younger sister - YES…I know…. “April and June! Why wasn’t I named May!!!”……. June is 14 months younger than me. She goes to church often and is becoming more and more religious. She actually left her second husband, eight years ago, because he said he changed his mind about children, she wanted more children but alas, she is still single. Her first marriage produced a magnificent son, she was 22 years old when she had him, he was born three months premature (she had pre-eclampsia), he weighed 1 lb 9 oz at birth and was in the NICU for over three months. It was life changing for all of us. The medical bills were over $1,000,000.00 and since her husband couldn’t handle the stress and left her when my nephew was still in the hospital, we all pitched in. June had to move close to the hospital, we got her a furnished apartment, and after my nephew was released, she had to perform courageous medical treatments on him, the worst of which was inserting a tube down his little baby nose, into his lungs to suction out any mucous until he was one year of age - he screamed ferociously the entire time, but she knew she had to do it….it broke my heart to see them go through their twice daily ritual for an entire year. June is a Speech Path0l0gist for Special Needs Children.

Debbie: She is my best friend since the second grade. We can go six months without talking to each other and it still feels like yesterday when we catch up. She finally got married at the age of 35, had to wait no longer than 3 months for each planned pregnancy and she is very wise. She is my rock, very stable and extremely honest. She has two wonderful daughters and is a magnificent mother. For those that have found my hidden picture on my blog, the thin brunette is Debbie (that was us on a cruise doing the chicken dance or macarena or some damned thing). Her husband sent us to Belize last year for her birthday, he flew me to Orlando (where they live) and we had a magnificent time on our cruise. She will be there to catch me forever, no matter what and vice versa. She is amazing.

Aunt Mary Alice (Aunt M.A.): my father’s sister. very wise. very opinionated. never had children although they tried for many years, she divorced after 30 years of marriage, she is very independent and intellectual. I will be VERY self-conscious of my writing skills with her around, she is a reading/writing snob. She and June read ferociously and think that it is such a waste that I don’t open myself to the wonders of that knowledge. In spite of everything, Aunt Mary Alice can usually be counted on to give the best advice for any ailment. Aunt M.A., April and my father all live near each other in Florida.

My Father (Dad, Daddy): He is married to his third wife, left all of us when I was in the 9th grade because he was in love with another woman. It took years and much therapy to get over it. He loves me and my sisters and tries very hard to make up for any and all of the indiscretions. He is married for the third time to a woman who is 52 and was diagnosed with a debilitating illness called Pi*cks Disease, the frontal lobe of her brain is deteriorating, she is very childlike, not capable of taking care of herself and needs 24 hour supervision. She looks wonderful, probably seems odd/on drugs, her life expectancy is less than 2 years. My father, or Aunt M.A., or April have to wear a necklace when supervising her that says “I Am The Caretaker Of An Adult With A Disability” so if there is a car accident, medical emergency, etc… medical personnel will know that my step-mother is not to be left alone. It is very sad. My father has to shower her and brush her hair and teeth. If he ever comments here, it will be brief with many misspelled words (he always had a secretary).

M. (my husband): He will never come here, never comment here. He is my soul mate, the love of my life. He is involved with the day to day drama that is called my life and has no desire to prolong that drama by reading it on a blog. I suppose if I ever had a medical emergency, and I asked him to post for me, he would. It would be brief and matter-of-fact. One drama queen is plenty in any family.

So, there you have it. The cast of characters.

Because I get asked often…..April, Julianna and June had nothing to do with the months…..my father loved the name “April” so he named the first girl……I am named for two grandmothers “Julia” and “Anna”, so my mother put it together………June was supposed to be a boy and my mother was exhausted and after three days of “Baby Girl” she had to choose something and my grandmother’s best friend named June.

Please be kind to my family should they present themselves here in the comment section.

I don’t think any of them are familiar with navigating blogs, so they are sure to do some silly things.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Feb 19 2006 9:13 PM Updated: Mon, Feb 20 2006 7:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Chess On Wheels
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Who knew that curling was so fascinating!

For me, I am not impressed with the Olympics thus far, most of it has to do with the extremely late broadcast and no reasonable replay the day after….I am missing all the good stuff because ummm….hellloooo!!!!…… i can’t stay up until midnight, there are SO many commercials, I just get incredibly bored.

We have HDTV on satellite which means there is a secret, complicated thing-a-ma-jig that means we only get HDTV on a few channels that we pay for and even though CBS, NBC etc….say they are HDTV, that doesn’t mean us…..however, we do have HDTV for some special needs channels and somehow hockey and curling show up live during the day there. I am lovin’ the curlin’. It takes such skill and it is like chess in that you have to anticipate not only your opponents next move, but their next three moves. Of course, I am still hopeful that my little girlfriend will come through for me when it is time for the figure skating, and I will make myself stay awake for that competition.

I count things off by days and weeks….

In one week, I will have my granite countertops installed….

In two weeks, the Olympics will be over…..

In four weeks, I will have my transfer……..

sometimes, when I am feeling desperate, I imagine my worse case scenario, that I go through all of this, and nothing thaws that can be transferred.

I really don’t believe anymore that thinking these thoughts will put some kind of ick in the air, because all of the positive thoughts have never put some kind of good mo-jo in the air.

If I get the call that nothing survived the thaw, I will ask for sedatives and hopefully, I can be put to sleep for a few days….I will have deserved that rest after six weeks of hell.

So, even that, is accounted for…..

Very well…..

In the meantime, I can only take it day by day and continue to fill up my Sharp’s container….

They really should have sent me two and I know that they knew that there was no way that one Sharp’s was nearly enough…..

Funny that Sharp’s containers are the ONLY thing that I get for free and they didn’t give me an ample supply.

I am actually doing much better with my injections, I am thinking of them more in the terms of an old band-aid being ripped off one’s skin…

I used to have my alcohol swab and decide on the target, which freckle or dot or spot shall I aim…and then I would carefully rub that area with the alcohol while pinching the skin and then gently insert the needle and inject slowly and then apply adequate pressure for a full minute in the end.

Now, I just aim, stab and go.

I’m clean, the needle is sterile, to hell with the alcohol.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Feb 19 2006 11:27 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Cursed
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

What a difference a good cry makes!!!!

I am a firm believer in feeling my feelings when I feel them.

It does make it difficult to love me.

My poor husband. He has learned to sit with me while I purge my soul and I see him nod “yes, yes” as I finish my tales of woe. If I am upset, I know that there is a good, gut reason for it and I try to bring it to the surface so that I can heal faster. It is normal to be sad, just as it is normal to be happy.

If I have a contagious belly laugh when I am thrilled and excited, why is it that I shouldn’t also have a soul wrenching sob when I am sad or scared? It is the yin and the yang. The belly laugh is fun, the broken heart is excruciating. It is the price I pay when I choose to suck the blood out of every moment of my life.

I have had my ass kicked butt (sic) good the past four years of my life.

One thing I am certain of, is that I will be okay. I have to find some kind of way to be okay. I refuse to be a seventy year old woman with a sour heart and soul.

I will fight against that like I fight for my child right now. Actually, I may fight for my happiness more, because if I am miserable forever, what is the point of my existence?

I do believe that it takes ten times the effort to be happy than it does to be sad or miserable. It is so very easy to be miserable.

So, do I deserve this? No.

Will I be okay? Yes.

I have no choice and no matter what it takes, I will fight to be happy and enjoy my life.

Lately, I’ve been reading about some wonderful women who are having “survivor’s guilt” about getting pregnant or having their baby after their first IVF, or first IUI, or even, OMG! by accident!!! Some feel guilty after getting pregnant at all.

Now, when I had my first IUI, I think I was a good year and a half into my marriage and therefore had a YEAR AND A HALF of negative pregnancy tests, broken hearted periods and dashed hopes and dreams.

If I got pregnant with my first IUI, I DESERVED it by damn, because I had struggled for so long.

After over EIGHT IUIs (truly, I lost count), I would have certainly DESERVED it if I got pregnant with my first IVF.

You can bet your sweet ass that IF I get pregnant with this ALMOST FIFTH IVF and ALMOST FIVE YEARS OF INFERTILITY HELL, I will have DESERVED it.

we all know that with my history, the odds are not good…we are not fools but we do not discuss such things now because we are in the midst of fighting the good fight

I will do nothing but give this all I’ve got right now, because there is no other option. It makes no sense to fight so hard if I am already waving a white flag. In all honesty, I will probably still be shocked that it failed, after all of the this…that is how much I have to have hope right now.

So, if I had been spared all of this pain, and if I had a baby, let’s say, after my first IUI, I would probably still be sitting with family and friends discussing how difficult it was to get pregnant….and everyone would agree, “a year and a half of heartache, wow, that was awful!”. If I get pregnant now, my friends and family will consider it a miracle.

If I get pregnant next month, or never, that should not take away from the miracle of another’s joy, whether it took them a year, or two years, or an IUI, or an IVF, or multiple IVFs.

I will not feel guilty if I get pregnant now, or if I got pregnant three years ago, or if my husband happens to look me in the eyes and say “yes” to adoption, I will not feel guilty for any of it, any time.

(i had a patient who came into the office 6 months ago and she was 42, just got married, first marriage for both, they both got so drunk that they had alcohol poisoning on their wedding day …i saw her the week after their wedding, she was still green, her husband was still in the hospital -I SAID THEY HAD ALCOHOL POISONING! I WASN’T KIDDING!! HE WAS IN HOSPITAL FOR TWO WHOLE WEEKS!!!!,so anyway, as I was saying, she didn’t want x-rays because she was trying to get pregnant….she came back last week - 6 months later - and she is 6 months pregnant…….she got pregnant on their drunken honeymoon……she doesn’t have survivor’s guilt….she is BEAMING……..because of my history, should that shadow her glee? NO —– did it make my heart sink when I saw she was so obviously pregnant when I went into the waiting room and called her name? YES —– but that is my problem. I wish I was so lucky. She has no idea about infertility, or that pain, and she will probably get pregnant with her second child when she so chooses………does she have survivor’s guilt? ABSOLUTELY NOT! ——- should she have survivor’s guilt?? ——— ABSOLUTELY NOT. It took her 42 years to find her soul mate and I am certain that she and her family will talk about how long it took for her to have a family and they will probably rock that baby and lament about how very long the road was to that child)

I don’t know if I am making sense anymore.

I know that I have been fighting for a long time. I am in the middle of my last round of my last fight.

As one of the cursed, I wish this on no one.

.
.

So, suck the blood out of every moment……

and when it is good………

Suck Harder!




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Feb 14 2006 10:06 PM Updated: Tue, Feb 14 2006 11:37 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
They’re Trying To Kill Me
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I am still struggling with my FET schedule.

I cannot wrap my arms around it, I cannot understand it, and worse, I am questioning it.

Is it bad that when you go to google your ailment, your blog keeps coming up?

Like I can help myself! Geez.

I am going to call my flower named nurse again today to question her yet again about why exactly, they have me on the Eternity Protocol.

I counted last night and I will be giving myself 78 (SEVENTY EIGHT!) lupron injections for this cycle.

I have a very low FSH, I respond very well to meds, my cycles are like clockwork, I have never had any lining issues. They swear that this is their standard FET protocol for everyone. My RE started up the Stanford clinic, I didn’t pick a novice in the field of infertility. Why is it that I feel smarter than him at the moment?

Honestly, part of me wants/needs help from you wonderful internets, but the other part of me feels like I am at the point of no return and therefore I am afraid of losing more confidence in this process. It’s kind of like jumping off the high dive and then hearing suggestions, I’ve already jumped and I am flailing and it will take me five more weeks to land (well, six and a half weeks, if you count until beta day).

I interviewed so many doctors before I started this hellacious journey and I even switched REs after my second failed IVF, there comes a time where I need to trust the doctors that I chose for my treatment.

Every day I cry. Every single fucking day. I know a lot of it is the lupron and I am SOOOO very thankful that my migraines have not surfaced yet, that would send me over the edge, honestly.

I wish I knew how to show a calendar of my protocol at a glance, but alas, I am not computer savvy.

So, this is the best I can do:

Oral Contraceptives: 1/23/06 - 2/12/06 —-> so, I took my last BCP last night
Lupron start date: 2/06/06 - 3/14/06 —-> 5 units twice a day, 12 hours apart until hell freezes over
Expected menses start: 2/15/06 —-> it will probably be that day or possibly the 16th
Start Vivelle o.1 mg patch start date: 2/22/06 —-> one FULL week after menses?
2/24/06 - replace patch .1 mg
2/26/06 - replace patch .1 mg
2/28/06 - replace patch .1 mg
3/02/06 - replace patch .2 mg
3/04/06 - replace patch .2 mg
3/06/06 - replace patch .2 mg
FIRST Ultrasound & E2 —> 3/06/06 ——> this is NINETEEN days after my last period!
3/08/06 - replace patch with TBD dosage
3/10/06 - replace patch with TBD dosage
3/12/06 - replace patch with TBD dosage - ADD extra Vivelle patch.1mg
3/14/06 - replace patch with TBD dosage
start Doxycycline
Last Lupron injection in the p.m.
3/15/06 - Remove extra Vivelle patch .1 mg
First Progesterone 50mg IM
THAW 3/16/06 —–> ONE MONTH - 29 DAYS after last menses!!!
3/16/06 - replace Vivelle patch with TBD dosage
Progesterone 50 mg IM
EMBRYO TRANSFER 3/17/06 —>This is 30 days after last menses, when I would normally start next period!
3/17/06 - 100 mg IM Progesterone
Last doxycycline
3/18/06 - 100 mg IM PIO
Replace Vivelle every other day
3/19/06 - 300 mg Progesterone vaginal capsules

At least my BETA date will be ASAP because I will have no HCG in my system. My doctor said that he would test as early as possible.

It still blows my mind that TBW is going to be having transfer about the same time. What are the friggin’ chances of that? The only good thing is that I will have my beta before her, I need to shelter myself from her somehow, I haven’t figured out just yet how I am going to do that. I really cannot handle her bullshit right now and since her husband is my boss, I have to check myself before I say something. It is a form of prostitution, like I have to bite my tongue or else not have a job. If she gets pregnant, there is absolutely no way that I can work there and since it took me a year to find that job, I will probably retire from dental hygiene. M. doesn’t understand why I let the dumbasses of the world bother me, he thinks I should just ignore her. Men are a different species.

So, I am completely on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Everything I know about having a baby, and I know a lot, involves the embryos implanting mid-cycle, why in the hell am I getting my embryos when I would normally be starting my period? Why are they not transferring the embryos in two weeks? Does this protocol make any sense to anyone out there in blogland?

What fury hath I wrought to deserve such hell?




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Feb 13 2006 9:55 AM Updated: Mon, Feb 13 2006 10:38 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Because I Like “Rocky” Movies
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I adore the Olympics, the opening ceremony was just incredible and I REALLY appreciate distractions right now.

However, and not surprisingly, I am already sufficiently annoyed.

If that little bitch Michelle Kwan doesn’t get her whiney ass out on that ice and compete then I think she should be banned from any future competitions.

She insisted on special treatment in order to get an exemption to compete due to a previous groin injury. Is there some reason that she is surprised that her groin is tight? She says she stayed out in the cold for four hours during the opening ceremony and that made her not as fresh, well, didn’t everyone else spend hours out in the cold?

Emily Hughes competed in National’s, placed third, and therefore earned her spot on the Olympic team.

.

Special note: Emily Hughes’ sister, Sarah Hughes, kicked Michelle’s ass in the last Olympics and won the Gold medal:


.

Cue to Princess Michelle asking for rules to be bent so she could go to the Olympics.

Cue to Emily being booted off the team and Michelle moved in her place.

Now, on day one of practice, Michelle didn’t “feel lose enough” and “wants to listen to her body” before deciding whether or not she will withdraw. Personally, I think she chokes, is arrogant, and displays enormous acts of selfishness.

If this were a movie, and I was writing it, I would have three endings for the producer’s to choose from:

Optional Ending 1: Michelle would withdraw and Emily would move back into her much deserved place on the Olympic team and skate like her sister did in Salt Lake City. The last scene would be of Emily getting bombarded with bulbs flashing and people yelling her name and reporters begging for interviews and Michelle would be seen in the distance looking for her fans and it takes her minutes to realize that no one cares anymore.

Optional Ending 2: The Olympic coach tells Michelle that she is out and puts Emily in so she can practice accordingly. Of course, Emily would still become Cinderella forever and Michelle would still be a flea on a gnat’s ass in the final scene.

Optional Ending 3: Michelle gets some courage, gets some fight in her, decides she will compete with her last breath because she owes it to all the people who bent rules, believed in her, and she would also know that she would owe it to Emily to skate well for her team. Michelle would tear an achilles and a meniscus the day of the competition but she would still insist on fighting the good fight….she will enter the rink with a smile and a determination that makes the audience weep….she will be so injured that she cannot even bear weight on her leg, she will collapse on the ice, unable to get up, but she will still go through the motions as best she can, she will have elegant arms and keep in perfect time with the music and when she would normal do a triple toe loop, she will swirl on her ass three times because that is the best she could do……and it will be the performance of her life, not because she was a good skater, but because she was a great Olympic athlete.

We’ll see how reality plays out.

In the meantime, I’ll continue shooting up lupron twice a day and wishing I could really write my own little story with a perfect little ending.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Feb 11 2006 10:56 PM Updated: Sun, Feb 12 2006 12:07 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
When It Rains, It Typhoons
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I know that title isn’t proper English, but I don’t care.

So, I had a little mini breakdown and if you ask me, I was a champ considering the circumstances.

Obviously, I got all of my meds for this FET and my schedule. I have been on BCPs for three weeks now and lupron since last Sunday morning. My doctors are either trying to kill all their patients or they are shutting down their entire system, I think they call it “false menopause” so they can control every minute detail of my body. Well, I’m not diggin’ it. I’m just sayin’.

I put off transferring my grueling FET details into my 2006 calendar until this past Monday. Honestly, I never even looked at my FET schedule until then. I knew when I had to start the BCPs and I knew that Sunday was my lupron start date, that is all. If I was seeing a psychologist, he/she may find that amusing/telling.

First of all, I must mention that I held a fabulous dinner for 8 of our dearest friends on Sunday. We have been saving our nice Riedel glasses because well, I guess we were waiting for the Queen of England to come visit. So, reluctantly, my husband poured wine from the lovely Riedels. Each glass runs about $30 and I have a reputation for breaking wine glasses. Amazingly, no one broke a glass during the gathering.

I had a roast in the slow cooker all day and with guests seated at the rarely used dining room table, I placed the very tender, hot roast on a porcelain, somewhat heavy weight, serving tray. Carrots and aus jus (who am I kidding) juice were poured on top and I was walking to the table I heard and felt a POP, the serving tray split right down the middle, juices seeping down, getting on my blouse and skirt and large, plopping drops on my hardwood floors. I squeezed the two halves as hard as I could and I made my way back to a counter and quickly ran for another serving tray and transferred the meat and other crap. It was no big deal at the time, I handled it well, and dinner was most delicious. Shit happens and I saved the meal.

I never, ever clean when I have dinner guests and personally, I don’t like it when I go to parties and the hostess starts cleaning immediately after everyone. Now, my mother doesn’t clean with guests there but she will stay up until 4:00 am if she has to, she can’t sleep with a dirty kitchen. Me? I sleep like a bear, even if my kitchen is condemnable.

So, Monday, I woke to a filthy mess in my kitchen. It took me three dishwasher loads and I scrubbed the floors and tile where I had spilled the roast crap. I had an appetizer tray (large, rectangular, about 2″ lip) that I decided to soak because it is too big for my dishwasher and frankly, I was sick of cleaning. So, I filled it 3/4 of the way full of hot water and left it on my counter….(remember this).

Because I break wine glasses, M. said to soak the Riedels and he would hand wash them when he got home. I filled the large part of my sink with hot water and dish soap and although 8 glasses fit easily on the bottom, the other 2 were added on top but since it was full of water and doesn’t water make matter lighter? I added the extra two on top. Because I didn’t seal the stopper, water slowly leaked out of the sink and because a top Riedel was full of water and a bottom glass was tilted as such that it became empty, well, the top glass smooshed the bottom glass and they both broke. I heard it. I cleaned it. I wept.

M. came home and I told him what happened, he kind of scrunched his nose like someone would if something smelled and then got to washing the remaining eight lovelies. He broke the stem off the first one he tried to wash. I went to grab the broom again to begin sweeping again and then he picked up my large, rectangular appetizer tray (remember it?), and about a small buckets worth of water spilled all over my hardwood floors. I ran upstairs and grabbed three towels and trudged with my feet like a huge, human mop handle until it was all dry. We now have seven Riedel glasses and a very clean kitchen floor.

Another minor item to mention is that my brilliant remodel idea came crashing down on me that same day. I did not order a “custom” or “special order” kitchen sink at the place where DeeWayne works because my granite man needed the sink templates ASAP….so, I went to “In Stock” and picked out a very lovely sink, actually LOVE IT! and thought how fortuitous of it all! Well, where I come from, “in stock” means, well, it means that the item is in stock. Apparently, in California, “in stock” means that they may get it in three days and if not, then it will be TWENTY FOUR DAYS. According to a phone manager on Monday, even though every other store does indeed have the sink “IN STOCK!”, they cannot guarantee a store to store delivery before TWENTY FOUR DAYS! I actually looked at myself in the mirror while this imbecile was talking to me just so that I knew that I was here, I was awake, and indeed, it did not make any sense. Now, I could drive to their store in Oakland and pick up the sink and take the chance that their “in stock” means that it would indeed, be there. All I know of a place named Oakland is: 1. it is far 2. some sports team plays there 3. it may not be a good place for a WASP to get lost

So, I had to call the granite man, the drywall man, the handyman/contractor, the tile man and the plumber to tell them next week is not a “go” and I had no idea when I would get the stupid sink from the stupid people at the stupid place.

All of this occurred on Monday, but wait, there is more….much more.

Whilst waiting for the dishwasher to finish one of it’s many loads, I decided to get out my calendar and see what lies ahead. So, two shots of lupron each day to be continued until hell freezes over, Vivelle patches that are to be switched every other day and then a second added and then on off days, as days tick by, I am to switch new and old and even add up to three patches - I still don’t know what they look like. I can’t bear to open that box. I think that starts next week, so I will look then.

I then have ultrasounds and bloodwork and for the first time ever, PIO (long needle in my ass full of painful oil) shots for several days prior to them thawing the embryos and then they double the dose and then triple it on the day of the transfer. I am to stay on lupron 2X a day and also have to add Doxycycline and Prenatal vitamins and baby aspirin at specified dates. My thaw date is March 16th and the transfer date is March 17th. Isn’t that SIX WEEKS AWAY????!!!!!! I have to continue this dreadful, painful, bruise-making journey for six MORE weeks????!!!! What the hell.

Lupron makes me crazy, I cry a lot and I get massive headaches (so far….I need BIG WOOD to knock…slight headaches …please….please….please, i beg of it, please be kind to me).

St. Patrick’s Day is on a Friday. My husband thinks it will be lucky. I must add that he is one of the most cynical people I have ever met, but he is so positive for me. I think that he knows he has to be, no other option is conducive for any kind of progress right now.

Another note is that our guests were looking at my chairity items and M. said that he hated for me to get rid of the rocking horse.


He told everyone that he loves it and wished I’d keep it. All of the guests said that I should indeed keep it. I said that I had already sent the pictures of chairity items and had committed to the three pieces. None of them cared, and said I should keep it. One guest is a feng shui expert and she said that I should keep it and place it in a high place above our front door (we have a ledge there and high ceilings). Now, the thing is that I know that deep in the heart of my husband, he is hoping that we get lucky and he will see our child riding that little horsey. So, that means the little red horsey will either be a source of great reflection and happiness or a dark reminder of the heartache we have endured for the past three years. I imagine myself smashing the hell out of it on beta day. I still don’t know what to do, I could say that my finishing varnish didn’t take well and keep the damned thing, but geez, it just opens myself up to more pain in the future.

It just breaks my heart to know that my cynical husband loves that little horsey so much.

So, after I finished putting everything in my calendar and realizing what a tremendous haul this FET is going to be, I had a vision of us getting to the doctor’s office for the embryo transfer and the doctor telling us that nothing survived the thaw and that all of the two months of gruel to get to that point was for naught.

I still cannot think of myself on that transfer table without tears welling up.

It just all comes down to that moment and I can’t bear the weight of it right now.

So, after mopping the floor and cleaning the glass from everywhere in my kitchen, the phone rang and for some reason, I answered it. It was TBW.

She wanted to know when my “IVF” was scheduled and if I needed to take time off of work. I told her it wasn’t an “IVF” but a “FET” and that date did not interfere with my work schedule. She asked when. I said, “St. Patrick’s Day“.

TBW said, “I am going to cycle again and I am on birth control pills now and I start shots and since my doctor has everyone on the same schedule and we all have to cycle together, THAT is my transfer date also! March 17th is about when I will be getting my embryos and my retrieval is scheduled for March 14th! I told the nurse today that I don’t have time for their appointments much less a baby….ha ha ha….she didn’t think I was funny and gave me a dirty look and I told Steve that I don’t want to have a baby at Christmas because he will be ruined forever having his birthday at Christmas and I just hope I don’t have twins or triplets because I will be taking them to the nearest grocery store with a sign that says: FREE TO A GOOD HOME! ha ha ha ha Won’t that be funny if we are pregnant at the same time! ha ha ha” note: TBW is 42 yrs old, never pregnant, 2 failed IVFs but doesn’t like babies. She thinks IVF is cute and trendy.

Me: “No. That won’t be funny, that will be a miracle”

I just cannot even think that she and I will be on a 2 ww together. I cannot handle the thought of her IVF drama while I am undergoing the most important cycle of my entire life.

I simply cannot go there right now.

After getting off the phone, I was completely spent. It was still MONDAY!!!! What a day.

I went into the family room, in tears, and M. said, “ohhhh,,,,noooo……please….!!!!! 24 just started.”

So, I grabbed my computer and got even more depressed seeing how many people have a baby since I started blogging and how sad I feel that so many women have been getting such sucky news lately and it is always the same sad lot of us and how incredibly heartbreaking it all is and then I saw my house pictures and wondered what in the hell kind of crack I have been on.

I do not feel comfortable with house pictures on my blog for any length of time. If I post personal pictures in the future, it will be temporary.

Given the day that I had on Monday, I am happy to say that nothing else bad has happened yet (NEBHHY)*.

I think that I cried for six hours that night and about ten times a day since then. I just need to let the good cry out before it starts to tear me apart. It is hard for M. to see me so emotional (except for 8:00 pm on Monday nights), but he knows that I need to purge my soul.

.

I actually feel better after purging here. It IS just too much sometimes.

I fear that this is going to be a bumpy ride.

.

*TM getupgrrl (revised)

.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Feb 8 2006 8:14 PM Updated: Fri, Feb 10 2006 7:05 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
It’s Not Fun, It’s Not Funny
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Obviously, I’m feeling a bit vulnerable. I’m sure much of this has to do with the lupron kicking in, my headaches are starting to come to the surface, my emotions are already there.

It is just too much sometimes.

I’m in a rough spot.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Feb 6 2006 9:20 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Am Either Really Clever, Or NOT
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

So far, my kitchen remodel idea is working brilliantly to keep my mind off of my other, ummm, “issues”.

My granite will be installed soon, that is, unless my kitchen sink remains MIA. Who knew a sink template was so important. Hopefully within one week, I will be rid of my hideous blue tile with gargantuan grout lines.

Most of the granite work is done off site so they will be able to demolish the old and install the new, all in one day.

I am getting countertops and some appliances.

I am not gutting the place.

I have to work with what I’ve got so therefore, “Do-It-Herself” will be an important factor in the fine details.

Have power drill, will use without fear or prejudice.

Fortunately, I love my floors and equally as fortuitous, I am handy and know how to stain my cabinets and install hardware. Interior designers make everything so much more complicated than it needs to be….I will decide on my backsplash and cabinet hardware after I see my granite installed. I will probably be staining my cabinets darker. Luckily, I will be able to drill whatever holes will be necessary after I decide on my hardware…you know, two screw holes, one screw hole, centered or not…..so many decisions!


laundry room sample doors, far left is what I used to have everywhere

Two years ago, I stained the wetbar cabinet and added some hardware…I have always hated my wetbar and have struggled with trying to make it attractive:


I glued on the wooden decals (squiggly things were glued upside down, what the hell did i know)


My secret weapon is this:



Literally, it’s as easy as wiping the cabinets with a cotton cloth…it stains and varnishes and seals all in one fell swoop!

I chose a dark granite for this area. I do not want it to look like the kitchen at all. We’ll be getting a little round sink and new faucet there as well. I may re-do the walls, I am growing tired of that wall effect. In due time!

So, I have not touched my kitchen cabinets.

Because, I am on lupron now, and possibly insane, I now present the “before”:



I taped the mural picture up before mailing it to the artist. It will take her two weeks to make the mural from that picture, I can’t wait to see the finished product.



So, imagine that picture on tumbled tile with a nice tile frame around it (of course the white part will not be there)…I think it will look nice.

Kitchen overview:


I’m working with a bit of a U- shape, my sink is over to the left and looks out onto a family room.

Obviously, I have mountains to climb.

It’s hard to believe that in two weeks, my granite and mural will be installed.

Clearly, I have a ton of crap to clear out in the coming days…geez, what a mess.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Feb 5 2006 11:16 PM Updated: Mon, Feb 6 2006 2:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
SHOW ‘N TELL
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

So, like I was sayin’, I got my items from Goodwill. They were a sight. I bought two of these, they were going to be my “Pottery Chairs” but this one had a slight split in the seat so I will be giving it back to Goodwill. Last year, most of the chairs were funky and not really functional. I wanted to make items that I would use in my own house. So, without further ado…..


before


after




The split chair was going to be like the blue pottery.

I really like the idea of “Pottery Chairs”. I may get my four favorite pottery pieces and make a set of chairs for my breakfast area.



I wish I had a before of this little rocking horse, he was really in sad disrepair, now, he is…let’s say…”unusual”.


Toile:




The Trilogy:
i don’t know why some of these are so damned blurry.


THE END




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Feb 3 2006 11:13 AM Updated: Fri, Feb 3 2006 12:05 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Jumping The Shark
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jumping_the_shark

“Jumping the shark” is a metaphor used by US television critics and fans since the 1990s to denote the moment when a television series is (in retrospect) deemed to have passed its peak.
The phrase was popularized by Jon Hein on his website, jumptheshark.com. It alludes to a goofy scene in the TV series Happy Days when its popular character, Fonzie, is on water skis and literally jumps over a shark.

The term has also come to be used to describe for whom a drastic change was seen as the beginning of the end.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Feb 2 2006 9:06 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Really Am Insane. No, Really
By Julianna on Jumping The Shark

This has nothing at all to do with my infertility so if you are feeling a little depressed about your nethers, this may be the post for you. I am going to start a new column called “Jumping The Shark”! ohhh …. brilliant!

I will be posting pictures of my current art projects - TOMORROW (M. has to help me retrieve them from the camera). I am painting for a “Chair-ity” and currently have three items for their silent auction. My husband’s cousin is very involved with the charity and our Boston relatives visit every June so they can attend this amazing festival:



YIA makes it possible for children to pursue their artistic interests. It provides art supplies, musical instruments etc… for underprivileged children who might not otherwise be able to afford necessities and support.

The main fund raiser is a breathtaking street painting festival that happens one weekend a year just north of San Francisco. Spaces are rented, street artists come from all over the world and they start on Friday and finish by Sunday. It is all washed away by Monday morning.



The Sistine Chapel ceiling.

This was my favorite artist, I spent hours watching her:


Melanie Stimmell photo by Joy Phoenix

To help raise more money, YIA held a silent auction last year and it was a huge success. This year, they are going to display “chairity” items in store front windows for two months to help advertise the festival and also to generate interest in the donated projects.

This will be the second year for the silent auction so I was asked if I could please help out by decorating a chair or two. I said, “Of course! I would love to!!!”.

It doesn’t HAVE to be a chair, last year they had some stools, even little chair ornaments.

Like I said, relatives fly in town for the event and it ends up being a weekend family reunion. All of us meander through the maze of artists and spend much time in the wine and food section.

I am so incredibly insecure about my art work that I almost wish I hadn’t volunteered. I am feeling VERY self-conscious.

I used to be very talented as a child. While my sisters were taking jazz, tap and ballet, I was in oil painting classes. Every Wednesday night, I took my toolbox full of oil paints and brushes to my teacher’s studio where I received three hours of private instruction from a very patient woman. I was six years old when I started my oil painting lessons.

I remember getting so much attention and my family was extremely proud of me. After I would complete a painting, they would frame it and display it proudly. My grandmother encouraged me so much and would actually request certain still life’s. Her living room was full of my framed works of art. Somewhere along the way, I became self-conscious and as I entered my teens, my artistic talents were well below mediocre.

I never paint on canvas anymore. I adore crafts and projects and I do know that creativity is my passion, but somehow, I’ve never been able to experience the creative freedom that I once enjoyed and embraced.

I do remember a turning point. The first painting that I ever completed was a doll-like clown sitting on a bucket. I was in the first grade. An Aunt requested that I do a painting like that for her about two years later, she wanted to pay me - this was going to be the first time I received money for my work. It took me about four classes to complete the painting and when it came time to give it to her (unframed), she asked how much she owed.

My father told me that it was my art and to think of what I wanted for the piece. Well, I asked how much my classes cost, then I added in the cost of the canvas and I said that she owed me $130.00. It made perfect sense to me.

Bless my parents for leaving it up to me, but, really, they should have intervened. Even today, $130.00 would be considered extremely excessive.

Well, when I presented my Aunt with the painting and the cost, she wrote me a check. It didn’t take long for other young cousins and even older relatives to inquire about how much I charged Aunt Elise, and “You charged her what!!!!” and I just sensed an overall ick regarding my work and especially the fee.

What the hell did I know.

I can say that it ruined me from ever charging anyone for anything, I only give gifts and it also took my naive creativity away. I started becoming self-conscious with my oil paintings and soon lost interest.

So, this is the real reason why I am so angst ridden about my current project. I know that I am just donating for a cause but deep down, I am afraid that all of my in-laws will be embarrassed and secretly wonder why in the hell I thought these projects were worthy enough for that silent auction at that AMAZING festival filled with those AMAZING street artists. I know. SICK.

Like I said, my husband’s cousin works full-time for this charity (notice I don’t link there), so I am particularly concerned about embarrassing her.

For my tastes, the silent auction chairity entries last year were a bit on the funky side and most of them were not really practical. Here are examples:


This was the featured chair last year which was also the most practical one there (i liked this one):


I went to Goodwill and found chairs and even a little wooden rocking horse - all of them were in dire straights - ugly, old, wooden brown but they had good bones. I used some red toile fabric for one, I used a piece of pottery for inspiration for another, and the little wooden rocking horse looks like a ….well, I don’t know what….let’s just say, he is “interesting”. I even hot glued hair on him for his mane and tail.

So, tomorrow I will be posting my pictures and I reserve the right at any time to pull them immediately and without warning.

This charity speaks to me and I really should just get over myself. My lovely husband said that he guarantees that I will not have a blank bid sheet in front of my entries because he will buy them if he has to…he IS a dear.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Feb 2 2006 10:36 AM Updated: Thu, Feb 2 2006 2:04 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I See Dead People
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

…and they are all employees at the Home Expo Design Center

You’d think I was walking in there with a full mouth series of dental x-rays and asking them to diagnose and treat me.

Who knew that the most intelligent, helpful, non-flippant employee would be a flaming Black Queen from San Francisco with the longest, most gorgeous manicure who goes by the name of “DeeWayne”.

Something is seriously wrong with the morale of the employees at that place.

I asked to speak with the manager and said that I am not driving over an hour and a half with a shopping list chock full of major appliances that need to be purchased STAT to be dismissed by so many of his employees.

HA!

He asked me who and I happily escorted him around the store and pointed to each person and cited the incident…

kitchen design man: rude, rude, rude…annoyed by any and all questions, not helpful at all

sink design man: dismissive and patronizing, after waiting for him to finish scribbling something on a piece of paper that almost looked like doodling and there were no other customers anywhere in sight, he said to me in a rude tone of voice, “you need sinks in 2 weeks! Lady, you need to go over to In-Stock…other end of the store” and then he went back to doodling.

help desk woman: while on the phone with a friend, asked me what I wanted. I was showing her my piles of paperwork and said that I really needed her to give me her full attention as I had a complicated re-model in progress and I had many questions….she continued to talk to her friend on the phone…..about their landlord…..and as I stood there staring at her she actually turned her back on me to continue her conversation.

HA!

Those employees were shocked, stunned and pissed while I complained about them to their face, in front of their boss. Fuck them.

Then, I went to DeeWayne in appliances and I told the manager how amazing he was to do business with and then I pointed to his snotty female co-worker who had actually walked away from me as I was showing her the dimensions I need for my double oven. She actually walked away from me! to help a man who came into the showroom! She told the manager that she thought I was with the male customer.

HA!

DeeWayne helped me with the most complicated of purchases, my double oven and cook-top with internal exhaust…

DeeWayne is my new best friend.

Everyone else better be glad that I haven’t started my lupron injections yet.




Comments
Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Jan 30 2006 10:00 AM Updated: Mon, Jan 30 2006 11:37 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
How Rude!
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I never call,

I never write,

I never blog….

Brilliant of me to redecorate my kitchen! I highly recommend it for anyone who would like to ignore the pink elephant in the room.

Not only am I moving mountains in the remodeling world, but I am also completing some art projects!

Baby What?

Baby Huh?

I would post some “before” pictures of my kitchen but since I am still living in it, well, it is rather embarrassing and I imagine comments such as:

“Get thee to the nearest demolition expert!”

“A wrecking ball would be a good thing”

“Molotov cocktail?”

“A major earthquake could be useful”

“You cook meals in there?”

My granite man will be ready in about 2 weeks and he can demolish and install all on the same day. I still find it hard to believe.

Perhaps I will document his progress with pictures and timelines.

I am getting a tiled mural backsplash behind my cook top that will look like this:



We are having the artist change the wine bottle to reflect our favorite local winery (subtle though) - this silly mural will be the thing that takes the longest, in six weeks it may be ready for installation. I already have the “frame” tiles but I am waiting to pick the rest of the backsplash tiles until the granite is installed…I may even go with bricks on the backsplash areas… With the granite countertops (a warm golden yellow tone) and my current cupboards (I may need to stain them a bit darker), the tiled mural should really pop and be a wonderful focal point. As it stands right now, I have about four different tile samples for the rest of the backsplash.

I picked my granite slabs in ten minutes. Who knew that would be the easy choice!

Hell, I’ve been ripping pages out of decorating magazines since we moved here three years ago.

Here is an example of a “framed” mural backsplash:



For some stupid reason, the builders in this area put in wetbars. I have always hated it, it is just around the corner from the kitchen and it is an eye sore. So, when we first moved here, I tried to do something with my most dreadful area and I turned it into a wine station.

Here is a picture from a couple of years ago, I have actually decorated it better now, but you can get the gist of what I am dealing with here:



I have picked a completely different granite and new sink and faucets so hopefully, it will be attractive and not look like it is some kitchen continuation. I don’t want it to resemble anything in the kitchen. My British granite man calls it my “butler’s pantry” - HA!, it wishes it were a butler’s pantry!

Okay…….Yes, that is the tile that is in my kitchen as well.

Now, you feel me?

Coming attractions include pictures of my current art projects - I have had to decorate chairs for a “chairity” event and am almost done with three projects. I have a deadline that is nearing, so I hope to finish them by the end of the week.

So, welcome to my “Infertile, Remodeling, and Craft blog”!

I figure in six weeks, I will have conclusive, definitive, answers to all of my queries. It should be entertaining, if nothing else.

***Updated to add: I just received an email from the mural artist and the pretty fruit picture will not work because of some complicated dimensions. So, for now, I think I may just do flowers, I love flowers, not sooo kitchen”y” and with the warm yellow and gold tones, this will fit beautifully:



Until she tells me that won’t work either, which will probably be tomorrow…and then I may nix the idea completely…….




Comments
Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Jan 28 2006 8:08 PM Updated: Sun, Jan 29 2006 12:06 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Long “Goodbye”
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

This train is on it’s way, there are no stops, the destination is set. I sit here with a strict schedule in hand and a lap full of needles and drugs and an empty Sharp’s container. It will take me six weeks to get to my final destination.

One of two things is going to happen:

Either I get off in Utopia or I get off into the depths of Hell.

.

For the slim chance that I get a miracle, I already have a plan:

Initially, I will faint. Then, I will wrap myself in bubble wrap for three months. As I enter my second trimester, I will ask to be hospitalized so that the baby can be monitored 24/7 and after being in the hospital for what will hopefully be an uneventful six month stay, I will get an emergency C-Section at the first sign of any distress and there will be strict orders to rip out all of my innards if that means the baby is delivered safely.

So, Utopia is the easy one, However…….

If this train is really destined for Hell, there are several choices and none of them are pretty. As I see it now, all of my scenerios involve me being in a nursing home at the age of 80 with no family to come visit me and I will spend my days stealing everyone’s candy.

.

In either case, I figure I have about six weeks of ignorant bliss until this gravy train stops.

.

I am doing what any sane woman would do and I am remodeling my kitchen. I figure that will pass time nicely.

.

Bon Voyage!




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Jan 23 2006 10:29 AM Updated: Mon, Jan 23 2006 12:05 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Not For Everyone
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

As I embark on my much dreaded IVF #4.75, I am filled with complete dread.

I just hate to be at the end of this road. I have prolonged the inevitable for as long as I can and now I must put on my boxing gloves and head gear and get in the ring. It is important for me to not just get into the ring, but I need to enter it like a champion. I am giving myself this weekend to cry and be scared but come Monday, I will muster the courage of a lion.

This is my last round.

I really don’t have it in me to keep trying. I am fucking killing myself here people.

I have an incredible life.

Unfortunately, all I ever wanted was to be a mother.

IVF is not a finite science and nor are the choices under that huge umbrella. Every case is different and as time passes, and you have more IVFs under your belt, the protocols and recommendations change.

Hell, I remember after IVF#1, I was singing the praises of PGD and even blogged about it endlessly and swore that that was the answer for me and everyone. “PGD for EVERYONE!!!”, I shouted in my head.

Imagine my surprise when Dr. Beautiful recommended that I NOT get PGD done again. She said that it would not increase my chances of having a “take home baby” and although it would be an interesting comparative study, it would not help me reach my goal. It is also incredibly expensive ($4,000 +) and it pushes the embryos to their max shelf life - five days in the petri dish.

So many people here have asked about PGD and I will answer again as I know that IVF#1 was so very long ago on a far away old blog. For IVF#1, I was chosen to be in a PGD study at Stanford. They were doing research as to whether women who perpetually miscarry and women who were over 40 who were not able to conceive, would have increased chances of pregnancy with PGD. In theory, only put in the perfectly genetic embryos and see how fast they died did in comparison to untested embryos.

Okay, so, we went through a battery of tests to rule out any possible cause for infertility before starting that study. An additional $8,000 worth of blood work to be exact. It was definite that we were unexplained and due to my very low FSH, my doctor was actually very positive about IVF for us.

That IVF, I had the least number of eggs retrieved (11) and as we waited for the fertilization call the next morning, I was wondering what in the hell we were going to do with eleven children! We would transfer the best two, freeze the rest. After the twins were past their year birthday, we would keep thawing the rest until we were the “Waltons”. Ohhh, how I envisioned future Christmas’!

Well, Dr. Beautiful called to tell us that they were shocked that none of my beautiful eggs fertilized. She recommended Res*cue IC*SI and we got a call, “FIVE have fertilized!“, then a few hours later, “NINE have fertilized!!!“. Apparently the doctors and fellows and embryologists were surprised at my egg revival. Needless to say, it was the beginning of many big, huge, happy mind fucks.

So, they did PGD on all nine embryos. They ICSIed my eggs 23 hours after retrieval. It is impossible to ICSI (force fertilization by putting sperm directly in the egg) after 24 hours. Imagine a fresh cracked chicken egg….now imagine it 23 hours later. So, for me to get fertilization of nine after having laid around for 23 hours, well, that was impressive.

The reason I “*” the Resc IC*SI, is because it breaks my heart when I see people come here from that google search because I know that RI gives one false hope. Dr. Beautiful said that she had never seen anyone take home a baby after RI. So, really, that is waste of another $3,000-$4,000 but, who is going to say “no” after going through an entire IVF cycle? I used to post numerous studies on my old blog about RI and how even if fertilization occurs, severe chromosome abnormalities exist. Well, my PGD ended up verifying that study. My embryos were so abnormal, there wasn’t even a name for some of what they saw….I remember finding the PGD results later (M never told me about them) and one or two were both XX and XY. So, I don’t want someone who just got RI news to come here and read this. They are hurting enough right now.

Needless to say, nothing was transferred and I was highly encouraged to do IVF#2 but this time with immediate ICSI (the way it is supposed to be done). There was no reason to ICSI before, but now it appeared we had a problem. Either my egg shell was too thick, M’s sperm couldn’t quite whip through, or my gorgeous looking eggs were really bad. Whatever the case, it was still promising. Even if it was my eggs (advanced age ya know), I got enough to help with the numbers game. Eventually, we would find a good egg.

Personally, I still believe that there is something else wrong that no one knows about, like in 10 years I’ll be rocking my cats and I’ll read about some new infertility discovery and then I’ll have an answer.

In the meantime, I am left to interview, study, and re-interview every good infertility doctor with a 100 mile radius of where I live. Lucky for me, renowned doctors are included in that search.

After IVF#2 failure, I decided to interview doctors again. I wanted to know what some of the other REs thought of my case after two failed cycles and more information. Every single one of them said “unexplained” and “it’s a numbers game“. They also were encouraged by my response - for IVF#2, I had a whopping 17 eggs which apparently is rare given my ahem…advanced age.

Unfortunately, IVF#2 had me with 13 (THIRTEEN!) gorgeous embryos on DAY 3 so they were pushed to blastocysts and I was left with only 1 (ONE) gorgeous blastocyst, two others were not perfect looking.

My current doctor was the only one who questioned my protocol for #1 and #2. He said that it was clear that I responded well after #1 and instead of laying off on the juice, they pumped me more. He analogized it to a plant sprouting in 14 days, like with ovulation. Sure, you can pump fertilizer and make the sprout pop at 8 or 9 days, but you aren’t going to have an ideal sprout. He also said that they never do blasts, nor PGD. They site study after study that shows that the petri dish is the death chamber for embryos. They actually do a lot of 2 day transfers. So, I went with Dr. Next. I got a brief positive beta with IVF#3, I had 14 eggs and 7 fertilized and were grade 1 and all seven were transferred. He said that Grade 1 embryos have a 30% chance of making it so mathematically and statistically, we were looking at a max of twins. hahahhaha ohhhhhh stop.

Now why in the hell I got 31 eggs for IVF#4 is beyond me. But, I did. We had 13 embryos, the worst 3 were transferred and they froze the best 10 at the 2PN stage.

So, I have been here before ( IVF#2: thirteen grade 1’s on day 3).

If I had a doctor who said “let’s transfer two and then see what happens” to me, at this stage in my game, I would question his intelligence and also wonder if he was trying to rack up money with the $4,000 FET fees.

M. and I have discussed our options and we are very clear on our decision. This is not anything that I would suggest for other IVF patients, however it is the right decision for me, given my case and my history.

IVF is not pretty.

That is why we will be transferring everything that I have and if I hear one more word about being irresponsible or taking unnecessary risks, then I am going to have to kill someone (and i’m not talking about a quadruplet).

This is hard enough to go through, much less blog about, and then to get assvicey emails from people who are too afraid to comment, well, I’m done with being nice. I couldn’t be more clear about my case, not that I should be in the position to defend myself.

Capeesh?




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Jan 20 2006 10:59 AM Updated: Fri, Jan 20 2006 11:34 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Wo Ohhhh Oh, She’s A Ladeee
By Julianna on Miscellaneous



A little known secret in the real world is that when a dental professional has a cold, runny nose, or allergies, they often stuff a cotton roll up each nostril, easily hidden under the mask, to make life bearable whilst tending to patients.

.

I mean, really! How often do you see a health professional running out of a room to blow a nose or sneeze?

.

I have allergies.

.

Today, I had bad allergies.

.

My nose was running incessantly and since I have an entire hour with each patient, I particularly appreciated the cotton rolls today.

.

I went all morning with cotton rolls stuffed strategically up my nostrils - you have to go out of the room after seating the patient, put them in, and re-enter the operatory with mask firmly in place so each patient has no idea what lies beneath.

.

My last patient before lunch is a wonderful old man whom I see every three months. He is hard of hearing.

.

With cotton rolls and mask firmly in place, I noticed more than halfway through the scheduled appointment an alarming missing cusp on #31.

.

Me: “It looks like you have broken a large piece of your back molar.”

Patient: “What?”

Me: “It looks like you have broken a large part of your back molar.”

Patient: “What did you say?”

Me: (louder) “It looks like a tooth is broken!”

Patient: “What?”

Me: (pulling my mask under my chin so he can read my lips) “It looks like your back tooth is broken.”

Patient: (shocked look and glaring at my nose tampons)

Me: (removing my mask completely and then removing the nose tampons as if this is completely normal) “It looks like you have a broken tooth.“.

Patient: “So does that mean I need a crown?”

.

God Bless Him.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jan 17 2006 10:12 PM Updated: Tue, Jan 17 2006 11:13 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Think I May Be A Genius
By Julianna on Wine Night Knowledge

A mere year ago, I met Mrs. Beverly Hills.

She was so memorable in fact, that I even blogged about her. You don’t have to read it, it is just proof that first impressions last. To sum it up, she insulted my Southern upbringing by saying that she is afraid to go to the South and she also wanted me to serve my famous and delicious hushpuppies with honey. She walked around my home with judgmental eyes and never said a positive thing the entire evening.

Fast forward to tonight.

My husband and about eight other men volunteer at our friends winery on the weekends. M. works there about every 3rd weekend. For being such an introvert and anti-social, M. surprisingly thrives in that environment. He loves wine, knows a lot about it and also enjoys the many varietals that this region has to offer. Many tourists go to the winery on the weekends and often times, limousines bring the eager patrons. So, it can be very busy and so many questions are being asked but M. handles all of it with ease.

When they have wine functions (ie: New Release parties, Winemakers dinners, Harvest party, Members appreciation events), I also work there. I do not pour wine, I am the greeter. I love it. I welcome everyone with open arms and a nice big tasting glass.

So, Mr. Hills volunteers at the winery also. That is why I am so fortunate to have his snotty wife in my social circle.

Since it is the new year, all of the men needed to get together to coordinate their volunteer schedule and Mr. and Mrs. Hills hosted the event at their house mansion. I was to bring the hors d’oeuvres for twenty people.

I knew that whatever I brought would not be appreciated, therefore, I didn’t sweat it. I bought some veggie wraps and sliced them on a nice dish and then I bought some freshly made baguettes and sliced them (thin) and put dollops of goat cheese and a slice of sundried tomato and broiled them for a minute and then headed to their party.

So, about twenty people gathered in their grand kitchen and people nibbled on the appetizers. Ironically, EVERYONE was told to bring hors d’oeuvres, so there was a ton of food out. Equally, ironically, my two were the hit of the party. Who the hell knew that herbed goat cheese and bits of sundried tomatoes on a tiny piece of bread could be so delicious. I blame the goat cheese.

Mrs. Hills never commented on what I brought, nor did she taste them for that matter. As a matter of fact, I don’t think she thanked me for her little hostess gift (a two bottle wine carrier - with two nice bottles of wine). WHATEVER. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and acts like a duck, I am no longer surprised that it’s a duck.


The only thing that I was jealous of the entire evening was Mrs. Hills’ roasting pan. It was a sight to see.

So, the hostess was heating her entree on the stove (it covered two burners), and she kept commenting about how easy her recipe was….. in the meantime, I noted what she was adding, most of the ingredients were sliced/diced/ and previously prepared in zip-lock bags that she kept pulling from her refrigerator.

These were the ingredients that I can remember. I am not kidding :

Broccoli
Cauliflower
Peppers (Yellow and Red)
Carrots
Zucchini
Corn
Black beans
Eggplant
Onions
Garlic
Green Beans
Tomatoes
Artichoke Hearts
Squash
Chicken (Breast slices)
Almond slivers
Fresh Pasta (spinach and plain)

She kept saying that it was “sooo easy!”. I am quite certain that it took a month of Sundays to prepare all of those vegetables for that pan.

I mean really. When she was at my house last year and my deviled eggs had given me such a fit, I didn’t go around telling everyone “how easy they were!“….nooooo, in fact…..I went around asking guests if they wanted a “pain in my ass deviled egg” because they took me forever to peel and prepare.

My new pet peeve may be the people who go on and on about how easy something is to make when it is so evident that it is really a huge pain in the ass.

Once we were all seated in their fancy dining room and served her famous pasta dish, I was not impressed, nor, was I hungry. Thank goodness for the previous hours of grazing.

As a matter of fact, I sat at my place setting the rest of the evening wondering how it is possible for something to be so tasteless with that many ingredients in it. Campbell’s Chicken Broth has more flavor than that entree.

Honestly, that should be impossible.

Then, in the bore of the night, I had time to ponder on it further and came up with the fifth fundamental force of nature.

.

To review:

The four fundamental forces of nature are:

1. Gravity - the force due to mass

2. Strong- the force that binds the nuclei together

3. Weak- the force that dictates radioactive decay

4. Electromagnetic- the force due to electromagnetic charge

Up until now, that was it. Just four.

Until now.

Welcome world to number five! :

5. TMI - “Too Many Ingredients” or “Too Much Information” - the force due to the overload of stimulus

That’s right.

Just like if someone is going on and on and on (much like this post) and you just zone out, the same can be said for objects. The stimulus just get to a breaking point and cease to exist if pushed too far or over-stimulated with excess information or ingredients.

Yes, her entree failure was due to the fifth fundamental force of nature.

When we FINALLY got into the car to come home, I eagerly told M about my revelation. My husband was not impressed with my discovery.

Of all people, I thought he would get it immediately and I even imagined him being excited.

But, alas.

I am left impressing myself in the dull of the night.




Comments
Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jan 15 2006 8:55 PM Updated: Sun, Jan 15 2006 10:07 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Think I May Be A Genius
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

A mere year ago, I met Mrs. Beverly Hills.

She was so memorable in fact, that I even blogged about her. You don’t have to read it, it is just proof that first impressions last. To sum it up, she insulted my Southern upbringing by saying that she is afraid to go to the South and she also wanted me to serve my famous and delicious hushpuppies with honey. She walked around my home with judgmental eyes and never said a positive thing the entire evening.

Fast forward to tonight.

So, my husband and about eight other men volunteer at our friends winery on the weekends. M. works there about every 3rd weekend. For being such an introvert and anti-social, M. surprisingly thrives in that environment. He loves wine, knows a lot about it and also enjoys the many varietals that this region has to offer. Many tourists go to the winery on the weekends and often times, limousines bring the eager patrons. So, it can be very busy and so many questions are being asked but M. handles all of it with ease.

When they have wine functions (ie: New Release parties, Winemakers dinners, Harvest party, Members appreciation events), I also work there. I do not pour wine, I am the greeter. I love it. I welcome everyone with open arms and a nice big tasting glass.

So, Mr. Hills volunteers at the winery also. That is why I am so fortunate to have his snotty wife in my social circle.

Since it is the new year, all of the men needed to get together to coordinate their volunteer schedule and Mr. and Mrs. Hills hosted the event at their house mansion. I was to bring the hors d’oeuvres for twenty people.

I knew that whatever I brought, it would not be appreciated so I didn’t sweat it. I bought some veggie wraps and sliced them on a nice dish and then I bought some freshly made baguettes and sliced them (thin) and put dollops of goat cheese and a slice of sundried tomato and broiled them for a minute and then headed to their party.

So, about twenty people gathered in their grand kitchen and people nibbled on the hors d’oeuvres. Ironically, EVERYONE was told to bring hors d’oeuvres, so there was a ton of food out. Equally, ironically, my two were the hit of the party. Who the hell knew that herbed goat cheese and bits of sundried tomatoes on a tiny piece of bread could be so delicious. I blame the goat cheese.

Mrs. Hills never commented on what I brought, nor did she taste them for that matter. As a matter of fact, I don’t think she thanked me for her little hostess gift (a two bottle wine carrier - with two nice bottles of wine). WHATEVER. If it walks like a duck, talks like a duck and acts like a duck, I am no longer surprised that it’s a duck.


The only thing that I was jealous of the entire evening was Mrs. Hills’ roasting pan. It was a sight to see.

So, the hostess was heating her entree on the stove (it covered two burners), and she kept commenting about how easy her recipe was….. in the meantime, I noted what she was adding, most of the ingredients sliced/diced/ and previously prepared in zip-lock bags that she kept pulling from her refrigerator.

These were the ingredients that I can remember. I am not kidding :

Broccoli
Cauliflower
Peppers (Yellow and Red)
Carrots
Zucchini
Corn
Black beans
Eggplant
Onions
Garlic
Green Beans
Tomatoes
Artichoke Hearts
Squash
Chicken (Breast slices)
Almond slivers
Fresh Pasta (spinach and plain)

She kept saying that it was “sooo easy!”. I am quite certain that it took a month of Sundays to prepare all of those vegetables for that pan.

I mean really. When she was at my house last year and my deviled eggs had given me such a fit, I didn’t go around telling everyone “how easy they were!“….nooooo, in fact…..I went around asking if people wanted a “pain in my ass deviled egg” because they took me forever to peel and prepare.

My new pet peeve may be the people who go on and on about how easy something is to make when it is so evident that it is really a huge pain in the ass.

Once we were all seated in their fancy dining room and served her famous pasta dish, I was not impressed, nor, was I hungry. Thank goodness for the previous hours of grazing.

As a matter of fact, I sat at my place setting the rest of the evening wondering how it is possible for something to be so tasteless with that many ingredients in it. Campbell’s Chicken Broth has more flavor than that entree.

Honestly, that should be impossible.

Then, in the bore of the night, I had time to ponder on it further and came up with the fifth fundamental force of nature.

.

To review:

The four fundamental forces of nature are:

1. Gravity - the force due to mass

2. Strong- the force that binds the nuclei together

3. Weak- the force that dictates radioactive decay

4. Electromagnetic- the force due to electromagnetic charge

Up until now, that was it. Just four.

Until now.

Welcome world to number five:

5. TMI - “Too Many Ingredients” or “Too Much Information” - the force due to the overload of stimulus

That’s right.

Just like if someone is going on and on and on (much like this post) and you just zone out, the same can be said for objects. The stimulus just get to a breaking point and cease to exist if pushed too far or over-stimulated with excess information or ingredients.

Yes, her entree failure was due to the fifth fundamental force of nature.

When we FINALLY got into the car to come home, I eagerly told M about my revelation. My husband was not impressed with my discovery.

Of all people, I thought he would get it immediately and I even imagined him being excited.

But, alas.

I am left impressing myself in the dull of the night.




Comments
Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jan 15 2006 7:45 PM Updated: Sun, Jan 15 2006 8:36 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Word To Your Mother
By Julianna on Miscellaneous



IF you happen to be a breeder of gorgeous Maltese puppies AND you happen to get a phone call from a serious buyer who wants to buy a puppy AND you want an outrageous amount of money for the little girl that was born in December,



……..You may not want to be such a bitch.

I’m just sayin’.

.

.

my mother is ready for a new dog. since SC has zero reputable breeders with desirable puppies, i am left to search adjacent states and found these gems in NC, about 5 hours away from my parents home but doable. i was not expecting to be corrected about “the plural of ‘maltese’ is not ‘malteses’, if you want to sound knowledgeable you need to know what to say” and this woman’s overall snottiness (is that a word?)…perhaps i will phone her back and ask her if it is “snottiness” or best to just say “snotty attitude“, I’m sure she’d know.

unfortunately, she does have the most gorgeous puppies and her feedback even acknowledges her “intimidating adoption process” but also praises her dedication to the breed, so, she may be getting my money in a month in spite of her ugliness.




Comments
Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jan 15 2006 12:25 PM Updated: Sun, Jan 15 2006 1:07 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I’m Just Sayin’
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Apparently, it is the annual de-lurking week and it is a great time for bloggers to find out about the people who often read but rarely comment on their blogs.

Probably, the thing that has touched my heart the most during this terrible, terrible infertility hell, has been the amazing support that I have received from the strangers out there reading and encouraging me with their love and wisdom. I get so much from blogging. I cannot imagine going through 2005 without the amazing help from most of you who read here.

Literally, you have carried me at times.

I hope that in some way, I am supportive of my fellow bloggers. I know that I have let many people down, but all in all, I hope that I have reciprocated in some way.

Everyone is busy. Life goes on. It can be difficult enough to get through a regular day without the internet, much less coming online and supporting people. I know this.

I just find it odd that some bloggers want people to de-lurk and leave comments when they rarely comment themselves. I am not talking about commenting on this blog, I am saying that I have rarely seen them leave comments or support anywhere.

So, before you ask for people to de-lurk, how about ask yourself how much support you have extended and how about next year, spend some time saying “hello” or “thinking of you” or “i hope you are well“. It doesn’t have to be profound or clever.

I am not asking for people to de-lurk here as I have received copious amounts of love throughout the year that spill over onto my down time.

So, for de-lurking week, I would like to say “THANK YOU!” and I would also like to ask for anyone who is so inclined to please go back over to cancerbaby because her friend is going to print out all of her comments on the most recent post and take them to her in the hospital.

I think that it would be wonderful if her friend has to go buy more paper and ink for the printer and cancerbaby has to spend so much time reading that there are some moments that she gets lost in the papers before her and she forgets, for even a moment, about her pain.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Jan 13 2006 10:43 AM Updated: Fri, Jan 13 2006 11:35 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Very Good!
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

Wow, I have been on a roll!

If someone asked me, “what is your worse trait?”. I would answer without pausing, “procrastination“.

There is something weird inside of me that instantly resists anything that must be done. Ohhhhh, how I have played games with myself……pretending that things don’t have a deadline, setting up rewards for when I finish something that I have been putting off, even hiring people to do detestable deeds for me. I rather like the last option but there is nothing like the pride I feel after I have completed a task or chore.

For some unknown reason, I am motivated.

It has nothing to do with IVF#4 3/4, of that, I am certain.

I just like the feel of 2006. When I am playing p0ker online, I always pick even numbered tables. If I saw a tournament table numbered “2006″, I would click on it faster than you can say “I …“.

So far, a mere TEN days into this new year, I have:

:: filled out my 2006 pocket calendar. A new record. Usually, I am well into August before I finally switch calendars.

:: done at least ten loads of laundry. Including those loads that were questionably dirty (ie: guest room hand towels, duvet covers in unused rooms because they may contain dust, all of my hot mittens and pot holders)

:: organized all of my receipts from last year (well, for me, this means that all of my 2005 receipts are piled in a grocery bag to be tallied on April 14th)

:: called my RE and set up my next cycle, including ordering the meds and injection paraphernalia

:: kept my kitchen spotless

:: removed my home of clutter

:: gone through every magazine and either thrown them away entirely or torn out the pages of articles that may interest me in the future (ie: kitchen and bathroom remodel ideas)

:: unpacked my suitcase (usually this task alone takes me several weeks)

I was even fortunate enough to get a virus. Well, not me, but my computer got violently ill. It was awful.

At the risk of discussing more than I should, I would like to braggedly proclaim about my husband’s high intelligence. He has a PhD in Physics and a Masters Degree in Computer Science. He is not a rocket scientist, he supervises them. Actually, he is the supervisor of more than a hundred rocket scientists.

I am extremely proud of him. It goes without saying that we are complete opposites.

Now, when my computer gets a virus, this should be the equivalent of a gnat on his ass. I mean, really. He puts satellites into the orbit (orbits?) of the earth…..he can surely fix my little laptop.

So, a few days ago, I told him of my illness. He said that he would fix it and even intimated that my BFFFFFF (aka, laptop) may not be ill, it was, probably, just something I was doing wrong.

Well, after about two hours of this little computer being on his lap, he told me “you have really done it now“.

He said that I had “really fucked up my computer……..badly“.

Honestly, adding “badly” after “fucked up” is rather redundant, no?

So, he wiped out my mother board (or whatever the hell it is called) and he installed all new programs. So, in a sense, I have a brand new computer!

Unfortunately, I have lost all contacts and favorites and previous emails. Please forgive me if I have ignored you or if I seem to ignore you in the future.

The great thing is that I am flying through links and connections and sites. I am zooming through the internet faster than a pregnant crack whore on speed with two toddlers in tow.

I actually love my empty computer.

Even that virus was serendipitous.

So, dare I say………. I am off to a wonderful start this year.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jan 10 2006 9:29 PM Updated: Wed, Jan 11 2006 6:09 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Whatever You Do
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Whether it be crossing fingers,

or burning oils,

praying to any and all Deities,

or just sending good wishes….

Cancer Baby needs whatever you are able to give.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jan 8 2006 1:34 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Need Vicodin And Some Bullets
By Julianna on IVF#4 3/4

I do not understand and am completely bewildered. I need a little help from you brilliant, beautiful, internets.

Notice, if you will, that I have had to add yet another category to my blog. And to think, I thought I would have a mommy blog by now! So, I am calling this next THING, “IVF#4 3/4” because I am really at a loss. Technically, it is not IVF#5 because there will be no retrieval (hallelujah) but it is going to be ripe with shots, guns and rock-n-roll. Okay, not rock-n-roll.

I just got off the phone with my lovely flower named nurse….we’ll call her Iris.

I have been reading infertility blogs for quite a while now and have never, ever, ever, ever heard of anyone having to do so much for a FET.

To recap: my progesterone was too high after IVF#4 so they froze the best of my embryos. Ten currently on ice. I like to call them my precious embicicles.

They are very aggressive at my current RE’s office. Everything that thaws will be transferred. Remember, if you will, that I had seven (my lovely emsepbryos) for IVF#3 that were transferred which only ever amounted to a brief positive beta. So, my lovely Dr. Next has told me he will transfer as many as I have, the most he has ever transferred was 19. NINETEEN! He said that patient got pregnant and had a singleton. So, for Dr. Next, ten is nothing. For me, it is everything.

I know that I have said it before, but this is my last shot. Even I, am done. I said that I would walk a mile on hot coals if it meant I could be a mother in the end. I even said that I didn’t care if I had nubs for feet in the end. I am now down to the equivalent of nubs and I still have no baby in my arms.

I have been beaten and bruised but I have rested now and am ready for the last round. I feel strong.

If I write something like “a lot is riding on this“, it is just too simple of a sentence and yet I cannot think of anything profound and heavy enough to convey the importance of the coming months.

I can feel a long blog coming on because I am just that fit-to-be-tied right now. Bear with me, please.

So, my lovely flower nurse has just given me my protocol:

:: BCPs when I start my period on or around Jan. 23rd.
:: Lupron injections twice a day after about 10 days on BCPs
:: After 3 weeks on BCP, I will have a “period”
:: I am to continue lupron injections morning and night throughout
:: I will have estrogen patches (she said they look like band-aids)
:: I will be up to as many as 3 estrogen patches a day
:: I will have to do the dreaded intramuscular (LONG NEEDLE IN MY ASS) progesterone in oil shots
:: I will be monitored via blood work and ultrasound until T-Day (Transfer Day)

All of this takes about six to eight weeks.

They did say that I can get a beta as early as possible, since I will have no HCG trigger in my system.

Now, I could time a clock to my cycles. I have never had hormone irregularities, I still get thick, beautiful, useless mucous for Pete’s sake. My lining has always been rich and full. I still have heavy periods with cramps. I can even tell them with great accuracy that I will start my next period on Jan. 23rd! Why, oh why, do I have to do all of this?????!!!!

I have never heard of anyone having to do all of this for a FET.

Again, I have a lot riding on this and I will stand on my head and wiggle my toes and sing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” if they tell me that will help.

I might also add that lupron gives me the most vicious of headaches. During previous cycles, I have found myself vomiting from the pain with little available for relief, except Tylenol. My husband has drawn many a bath for me and held a washcloth over my forehead and talked to me while I cried from the pain.

They say that the lupron headaches are because of the estrogen. I was also told that lupron puts one in pre-menopause and prevents dominate follicles.

Why, for the love of Pete, do I need lupron for my FET? I do not have to worry about a dominate follicle since I will not be gonal-effing.

Lovely Iris told me that they want to control every aspect of my cycle. They want to be in control of everything and the lupron enables them to do that.

She did say that I can use any pain medicine I choose until 5 days before transfer since the follicles will not be a factor and five days before transfer is plenty of time for everything to be out of my system for the embryos.

I told her I will need Vicodin and I will tell my husband tonight that I need him to get me my bullets.

See, he took the bullets out of my gun when we got married. Somehow he was not amused by a pistol packing wife. He is such the city boy.

Puhlease! I was raised in South Carolina where the most expensive living room furniture was the gun cabinet filled with trophy rifles and shotguns, most of them loaded. I was raised with a huge appreciation and respect for guns and I was taught how to shoot one at a young age. I took to it well. Unfortunately, that is not something that I can brag about often.

My loaded handgun came in quite handy when I lived alone for so many years in Santa Monica. There were a few nights that I heard strange noises and my gun was my safety blanket. When scared, I would assume my position….crouched on the other side of the bed, elbows steady on the bed and my trigger eye aimed squarely at the locked bedroom door. One time, I had to call 911 because I just knew someone was breaking into my balcony door and after telling the operator that I had a gun and I knew how to use it and if someone came through that door, the chamber would be unloaded on the poor soul who was unlucky enough to pick my home…..she only told me to make sure I waited until they were in my condo, not before. Pity that he never made it past the bolted locks, yes, pity that.

The only thing that bothered me somewhat was that my sweet, gorgeous Chelsea Belle slept on the pillow on my bed that hid my loaded gun. To see that beautiful maltese with flowing white hair and the sweetest of faces and knowing what lay under her pillow….well, that was odd. But then I knew that I had never heard of a dog firing a gun so then I would rest easily.

For some reason, my husband is not used to pistol totting women and insisted on removing and hiding my bullets. He travels a lot and after much whining on my part about how I needed to feel safe while he was away, he said that we live in a gated community, there is no crime here, and he was concerned about coming home early from a trip one time to face the red, hot blaze of my gun.

So, I relinquished. I now have a useless, empty gun that is supposed to be my protection.

Sorry, I digress.

Anyhoo, if I need to shoot up lupron for SIX weeks, and if the Vicodin doesn’t do the trick, I could always shoot a toe or something. You know how they say that the best way to get rid of pain in an area is for another area to hurt more? Well. That is the only option that makes sense. I could shoot a digit and that will surely distract my excruciating headaches.

No?

I doubt that I could talk lovely M. into handed over the bullets anyway.

So, back to my question for the gorgeous lot still reading this very long entry……..have you ever heard of anyone doing such an involved, drug-induced FET?

Does shooting one’s digits help with the excruciating pain of a migraine?




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Jan 5 2006 2:44 PM Updated: Thu, Jan 5 2006 3:34 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Recherché Adjectives Needed
By Julianna on IVF#4

…


.

Two glorious weeks.

It never rained during the rainy season the entire time we were in Hawaii.

I sucked the blood out of every minute. Every. single. minute.

I even rode in a helicopter. Me. Miss Neurotic, former agoraphobic, getting more claustrophobic the older I get……ME!…… I RODE IN A HELICOPTER!!! I didn’t even make a scene either.





Granted, I couldn’t sleep the night before and I was so nervous that morning that I couldn’t eat or drink anything……except a mimosa. Sometimes, I have to push hard on the walls that try so desperately to close in on me.

Now, it is time to push back on my infertility walls and fight the good fight.

I actually had to look up good adjectives because I use them so rarely and I found a new favorite word: “recherché” - adj. Uncommon; rare. Exquisite; choice.



May You Have A Recherché 2006!




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jan 3 2006 8:02 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
My List
By Julianna on IVF#4

After four back-to-back IVFs, over four years of infertility treatments, multiple doctors and every physical exam, blood test and anything else you can imagine, I have experienced just about everything . Some things were easier than expected and other things knocked me on the ground so viciously that I thought I would never get up again.

My stats: 8(?.. i lost count) IUIs, 4 IVFs : total of 73 eggs retrieved, 43 embryos, 10 embryos on ice because my fourth IVF was almost the death of me.

What I Have Learned:

:: Doctors still don’t know a lot about infertility

:: It is a numbers game

:: I used to be lucky

:: I used to believe that if I tried hard enough at anything in life, I would succeed

:: I have seen more people get pregnant with a poor response from IVF - (few eggs, minimal embryos) than people who respond well to treatment (many eggs, many embryos)

:: Having a low FSH doesn’t mean squat, except you’ll probably get a lot more useless eggs that will break your heart

:: Having a high FSH then should not be the death sentence many people think it is

:: No matter how beautiful your embryos are, it doesn’t mean anything

:: I’d rather have a diagnosis, than be unexplained

:: I have never experienced such high’s and low’s

:: When the doctor calls, it is usually bad news

:: Aligning oneself to a wonderful nurse is vital for one’s state of mind during treatment

:: A positive beta does not mean anything

:: A negative beta means a ton

:: Clomid was a nightmare for me - I felt like I had ants under my skin and I couldn’t sit or walk easily

:: In the coming years, they will find out how much Clomid ruins one’s body

:: An HSG hurts worse than almost anything I have endured

:: For shots, pinch the skin hard, it makes it so much less painful when the needle goes in, don’t stab, go easy

:: Aim for a freckle or spot, it makes it so much easier psychologically

:: Once the needle is past that spot, you usually won’t feel anything else

:: Put pressure with the alcohol swab for a full minute after removing the needle to help with bruising

:: I still hate Star Jones

:: If two IVFs have failed, go talk to other doctors, no matter how much you love your RE

:: Drink lots of water

:: Always have Extra Strength Tylenol on hand because that is the ONLY thing you can take for pain

:: I still believe in meditating, deep breathing….not for success as much as peace during a cycle

:: Embryos are smooshed between tissue, not in mid air, they won’t fall out

:: Know that it is not your fault if a cycle fails

:: Love yourself, that little girl inside of you

:: Never, ever, have retrieval without an anesthesiologist if at all possible

:: Retrieval while conscious is like laying on a table and being tortured with a harpoon that won’t kill you

:: Retrieval with an anesthesiologist may leave you nauseous all day, but trust me, it’s worth it

:: IVF is a racket

:: In my next life, I want to be an RE

:: What other occupation allows for failure, costs a fortune, and if it fails, it’s always the patient’s fault

:: If infertility treatments work, it will always be worth the expense - physical, material and psychological

:: Infertility bloggers are very brave to put themselves out there

:: Lurkers are very important in the blogging experience

:: Without an audience, even a Broadway show is meaningless

:: Blogging will be worth it for me, if at least one person has learned something valuable from my experience

:: If one blogs, one must get a sitemeter or statcounter

:: When the trolls come, and they will, don’t ignore them - rather, out them

:: Star Jones did not get gastric bypass because no doctor would approve that for a woman trying to conceive

:: I am very glad Star did not get pregnant right away

:: I am a bit jealous that Milania did right after she married the Don

:: Infertility treatment is very stressful on a marriage

:: Infertility treatment has been very detrimental to many of my friendships/acquaintances

:: Humour is vital for survival

:: Everyone thinks there first IVF will work

:: Hell, I remember when I thought my first IUI was definitely going to work

:: I even remember when I thought IUIs were difficult - ha!

:: I wish I could go back to that woman of four years ago and hug her and warn her of the coming years

:: Some people get lucky

:: I am not as lucky as I thought I was

:: 2005 has been the worst year of my life

:: I am glad that I decided to take a break from treatment to catch my breath

:: “Mele Kalikimaka” means “Merry Christmas” in Hawaii. When the missionaries and other Westerners first brought the custom of Christmas to the islands, the Hawaiians had difficulty pronouncing “Merry Christmas” and turned it into words that rolled more easily off their tongues.

:: “Aloha” means hello, goodbye and love. “Aloha” is a recognition of life in another. Years ago, no Hawaiian could greet another with “Aloha” unless he felt it in his own heart. If he felt anger or hate in his heart, he had to cleanse himself before he said “Aloha”.

:: I soooo want to suck the blood out of every single moment while I am on vacation

:: I want to experience lightness and laughter again on a regular basis

:: Looking back, I am sad about the heaviness that infertility has put on every aspect of my life

:: It is very difficult to not let the black hole of infertility suck the life out of everything else

:: Balance has been a huge challenge for me this year

:: I have never known the extent of love like I feel for my husband

:: He is my granite, my rock, my soul mate

:: I could never do this without him

:: He hoists me up and carries me when I can no longer get up

:: He has no idea what he is missing by not being a father

:: He is completely fulfilled with just me and yet he supports me with my mother goals

:: Still, there were a few times that I imagined myself driving across country, alone, with a u-haul

:: I am glad I stayed

:: Infertility is extremely stressful on all relationships

:: I hope that 2005 was just a fluke and that 2006 is better

:: If it ever works, I hope that I never, ever, ever forget what it took to get me there

:: If it never, ever, works, I hope I can get up

:: No matter how my story ends, I hope that I am always glad I had the courage to dance

.

.

“Aloha!” until 2006.

.

.

What have you learned?




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Dec 19 2005 10:39 AM Updated: Tue, Dec 20 2005 8:39 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
YooHoo VooDoo!!!!!
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Sarra (aka: hoochie momma) was fired! No more belly rubbing, no more morning sickness talk, no more lunch bitch for me!!!! Yippeee…….Yipppeeeee……..Dance…….Dance…..

She told me today that she was going to miss me and she wants me to come to her baby shower in June.

Her

Baby

Shower

In

June!!!!

What does that make her? THREE months pregnant? I wanted to ask if she wanted a Junior High graduation present for the child as well (Junior High because high school grad is pushing it for her lot) …………..who the hell plans a baby shower so early?! Fuck me. Well, really, fuck her. One thing I am quite certain of, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is that she will never, ever, ever see the likes of me ever again….ever.

On to brighter things, well, not really.

First, I must confess that I AM THE BIGGEST LOSER because I am not staying on that diet. Lord knows, I tried. It all started this weekend in San Francisco as I ate gluttonous rice at a Dim Sum restaurant in Chinatown…..yep, that was my downfall. I went down that road never to look back again.

The people who sat at my table at the blogger luncheon also witnessed me falling off the wagon when I ordered the pasta….I also cleaned my plate. God, I love rice and pasta and bread.

I used to date a guy who said that the way a woman eats her food is very telling of how she lives her life. Needless to say, I was quite impressive.

I am waiting to hear news that I have won a huge prize at “Emeril Live”….I entered every day for two months and they will be announcing the winner within the next few days. Yep, waiting for that phone to ring….any time now………perhaps tomorrow? The winner receives $10,000, a trip to New York and Las Vegas, umpteen kitchen gadgets and a taping of his cooking show. I AM SO THERE! My husband, Mr. Cynic, could be messin’ with my mojo…..he can’t believe I am actually expecting to win something, especially with the year we have had.

Before all of this infertility crap, I was actually very lucky.

Instead of “Hello“, I may answer the phone all day tomorrow with “Emeril?”.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Dec 15 2005 7:43 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Yes, Please, May I Have Another?
By Julianna on IVF#4

My neighbor just informed me that I should have been at her church service on Sunday because it was like the sermon was meant for me.

Hmmmm……I pondered the possible subjects of the Pastor’s message…”drunkenness”?, “wine for communion only”?, “curses for cursing”?, “gluttonous rice eating?”, “absentee church members”?……

I was at a loss.

The sermon was about the infertile women in the bible and how they are the truly blessed ones. My neighbor came and knocked on my door to tell me this……just now……it’s dark outside.

I told her that although I may be blessed in many areas, however, I am definitely not blessed because I cannot have a baby.

She said that because the world is evil and I am not bringing another person into the world to suffer, I have been blessed.

I wondered if that sermon made her regret having her three children? I hadn’t the nerve to ask.

I did however say that I guess all those malnourished crack whores who have babies are REALLY being punished then……now, I get it!

My list of women who need Voodoo dolls is growing considerably. Perhaps, I will ask Minerva if I can get a bulk discount.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Dec 12 2005 7:45 PM Updated: Tue, Dec 13 2005 12:52 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Hello!
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

It seems like forever since we last met. I have many reasons for being such a bad blogger and the best of which is that we had our infertileblogapalooza meeting this weekend. A lovely time was had by all and it was truly amazing to get together with SEVENTEEN! other women who were more magnificent in person than I ever imagined - really, Really, REALLY extraordinarily, magnificent women.

I am sorry for being so silent and I am okay and thank you so much for the lovely emails.

TBW is still a crazy, lunatic bitch and all I want for Christmas is a voodoo doll with her name on it. Not to be too greedy, but I wouldn’t mind a Sarra voodoo doll as well. My Aunt in South Carolina knows a woman who is a voodoo princess so I really could go “Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil” on their ass - it is not beyond reality for my wish to come true. I don’t guess that is really in the Christmas spirit though.

I must go for now but will post again soon and thank you so much for everything.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Dec 11 2005 9:19 PM Updated: Sun, Dec 11 2005 11:59 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Ugliness Of Being Me
By Julianna on IVF#4

Wow, dieting is a bitch. Even though my latest adventure has me eating throughout the day, I still find myself irritable. At least, I am blaming it on the diet. Honest to goodness, I don’t know what I am thinking sometimes….going on a strict diet during the holidays and I am going to be on vacation for two weeks?? I am an idiot.

I am also struggling TREMENDOUSLY with my stupid work situation. I feel like I am having an out of body experience when I am there or perhaps, better yet, I feel like I am in the Twilight Zone. I am especially sensitive to bullshit like that, the whole “Gaslight” thing. Every week I tell my husband that I just cannot deal anymore and he tells me to quit already and yet I continue to subject myself to the ridiculousness that is called my job.

Sometimes, I try to find the humour and it is rather entertaining and as a girlfriend of mine says, it does give me something to talk about…..unlike, if I was not working at all…….I guess then I would discuss such things as how I contemplated my navel all day and watched my fingernails grow.

For those just tuning in, I work a mere two days a week, I love my boss and admire his work and I make an ass load of money for those two days and my husband, although lovely, is as tight as a tic, so I need to have my own money to buy my foo foo things, lest my marriage fall apart.

So, Sarra is what? three months pregnant now? She has been rubbing her belly almost from day one and although she is nice enough, she is young (23) and immature and incapable of having any sensitivities towards me whatsoever. Perhaps, I shouldn’t expect her to tread lightly around me, but I do. She has witnessed my last two IVFs and being that I was an open book, she and everyone else I work with has been privy to every detail of my heartache.

If truth be told, not that people really go there, I think that Sarra senses me pulling away and since I am not all wrapped up in her happiness, she thinks that I am a selfish bitch and she is hurt by that…..honestly, that is what I really think is going on under the surface. If I wasn’t suffering so much, I could give a shit if she had twenty children, however, I am in pain, I am heartbroken and struggling and I cannot be there for anyone in her situation. She has enough support and I need to protect myself.

So, Sarra has other people doing her dirty work because she is “having a baby!” and frankly, I resent it. I keep busy in my own room with my own patients and find many things to do to disassociate myself from her. I have been a dental hygienist for a long time and I have never worked with a pregnant woman who refused to do so many things. Not only will she not develop x-rays (simply put them in an automatic developer in the dark room) because she says the chemicals stink…..yeah, they do for me too…..however, they are not toxic. The walls are lead lined in a dental office….that is why the operator always runs out of the room to push a button, a full set of x-rays (20 pictures) is less radiation than a day out in the sun due to the fact that the film are so small, more and more sensitive and you don’t have to go through a lot of matter to get a dental x-ray……so, long story longer, why can’t she take ONE x-ray when she is on the OTHER side of the lead wall when she clicks the button? After all, I am working on the other side of that wall all day long, so I am really up the creek if the lead lined walls don’t work. The fact of the matter is that Sarra wants attention, she wants special treatment and she wants people to do things for her that are not necessary. I am not helping her because it irks me on so many levels.

That is the ugly truth.

Sarra’s loser boyfriend drops her off in the mornings and she has been going to lunch with me….she and another lady (Angelica). Most days, Angelica doesn’t have a car either so they both get in my car and go with me…..since Sarra got pregnant, she now dictates where we go because of what she is craving or capable of eating that day. My favorite sushi place has been out of the question and before I know it, I am left sitting at a Mexican restaurant (because that is her favorite) and I listen to her pregnancy trials and tribulations and bullshit.

Honest to goodness, what has come of my life? I am now driving this girl to lunch every Tuesday and Wednesday, eating food that I don’t care for, and hearing about stuff that I have absolutely no interest in.

Somehow, I have become Sarra’s lunch bitch.

I know how it happened. All, ever so gradually……the three of us used to go to lunch and have a grand ole’ time….laughing and carrying on and mocking the ridiculous TBW, ohhhh….how our lunches would fly by for the fun that was had by all…..

Then, Sarra did the unthinkable and became pregnant……an unwanted pregnancy with her loser boyfriend who had just left her and who also has many other illegitimate children that he doesn’t take care of………that is when things changed.

It’s not like I am going to tell Sar, “ummm….see, we used to have fun and all, but now that you are pregnant, I don’t want to be around you anymore“……so, I carried on.

I didn’t stop Sar during lunch conversations and say, “ummmm…..see, I don’t want to talk about you anymore, now that you are pregnant and all“……so, I carried on.

I didn’t put my foot down when Sar started dictating lunch locations and say, “ummmmm…..I want sushi, I always eat sushi and this is my car, so if you want to eat where this car is going, then maybe I want company and maybe I don’t“…..so, I carried on.

That is how I became her bitch.

Probably more than anything, I hate people who are victims so I get especially annoyed with myself when I find myself being the “v” word.

So, imagine my delight when I realized that my new strict diet has perhaps solved my lunch situation at work.

It all went horribly wrong that first day, last Tuesday. I brought my celery/peanut butter snacks, my tuna lunch and crackers and my apple snack. Angelica is out of town, so when Sarra came bouncing into my room, rubbing her belly and asking where we were going for lunch, I told her that I was on a strict diet and I brought my lunch. So, I went to the little kitchen area and began eating and reading “People” and thought what a lovely, peaceful time I was having…..until………..Sarra came into the room and was heating up some soup. She said that she was starving and didn’t feel well. In all fairness, there is PLENTY of food there (soups, crackers, yogurts, sodas, peanut butter and tons of chocolate snacks)…..but, my heart broke for her. I offered her some of my tuna, she said she can’t eat tuna. I offered her my celery and peanut butter but she said “no”. I gave her my crackers but she is tired of crackers. Then, I offered her the keys to my car to go to lunch. She went to “Jack In The Box” and brought it back to the office. The next day, she brought her lunch and said that she thought we should start going to a certain park to eat from now on……uggghhhh……I can’t tell her I don’t want to be around her, I can’t speak the ugliness in my heart.

I want to be bravely honest with her. I want to get it all out on the table. A simple, “Sarra, I am sorry that I cannot be here for you during your pregnancy, you have so much support and I am just not capable of going to certain places right now, I am happy for you, but still sad for me. I hope at some level, you can understand.” Perhaps, next week, I will try to say something like that, I just hate all the pretending when everyone knows that so much is under the surface.

TBW and the boss seem to be in a rough spot with their marriage so she is not there every day - thank you Jesus! I cannot stand that woman and she gets more and more bizarre as time goes on. I find myself looking at her and wondering if she really listens to herself, I must have an inquisitive look on my face as she speaks her nonsense. I already spoke with the boss about her when I went in to give my notice several months ago so she is aware of my lack of respect for her as a quasi boss…..she has absolutely no authority over me and I have gotten better about dismissing her.

However, I did want to drop kick the bitch when she asked when my next IVF was because “it can’t be in February or March” because that is when she is going to do IVF#3 even though she “hates babies, will never have twins, and she thinks pregnant women are ugly and so fat, and she doesn’t want to lose her size 2 frame” all the while giggling and acting stupid.

Honest to goodness, I just looked at her emotionless and stared at her. My mouth may have dropped open a bit when she kept saying when I can and can’t do my IVF because of her schedule…..she truly does have delusions of grandeur. It gets so surreal…..honestly, I can almost hear the theme song for The Twilight Zone when I speak with her.

Even Sarra has mentioned how inappropriate TBW has been with her, saying things like “oh god! seeing you sick makes me really know that i never want to get pregnant, when i do, someone better just put me to sleep until it is all over with“.

There was a beautiful 3 week old baby girl who came in the office and TBW didn’t want to have anything to do with her and then kept going on and on about how ugly newborns are and that she really doesn’t like any children until they are walking and talking and taking care of themselves. So, Sarra asked her why she was doing IVF again if she didn’t want to be pregnant, TBW said because they “want teenagers one day, and they aren’t babies forever“.

It is just so crazy, that it really gets to be unbelievable and beyond ridiculous.

I actually had a dream a few months ago that TBW found my blog and I went into work one morning and was called into the Dr’s office and both of them confronted me and I just said that yes, that was me and then I was promptly fired. I left by saying that it was interesting that it was when she was reading about herself, her own behaviour, that she became so disgusted.

So, I have a lot of drama, just not the good kind.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Dec 4 2005 10:52 AM Updated: Sun, Dec 4 2005 4:33 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
So, THAT will never happen again!
By Julianna on IVF#4

I just spent the last hour or so responding to everyone who commented on my previous entry. Perhaps, in a perfect world, every blogger SHOULD do that, but I don’t see how it is possible to read blogs, comment, respond and still have a normal everyday life!

So, enough of my preaching.

In other news, I have started a new diet. It is the “Biggest*Loser” diet and I pay about $20.00 a month and I get to pick from some awesome food plans and they want me to eat breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner, snack and it is all about 1200 calories and I am not even hungry. I have been riding my L*feCycle for 30 - 40 minutes each day and I need to start some of the strength exercises about 3-4 days a week in order to be fully compliant with this latest trend of mine. Of course, this means that I am cursed for being so bold as to brag about my latest diet. I am on Day Three……..funny that my BL journal entries online keep getting rejected for profanity……funny that.

I do look forward to that shows finale tomorrow night. Those people look amazing!

Here is an example of two days on the diet:

DAY ONE:

BREAKFAST: English muffin with cream cheese; and a half grapefruit
Grapefruit, 0.5 fruit (3-3/4″ dia)
Low Fat Cream Cheese (Neufchatel), 1 oz
Whole Wheat English Muffin, 0.5 muffin
Whole Wheat English Muffin, 0.5 muffin

SNACK: Strawberries; and a hard-boiled egg
Hard Boiled Egg, 1.5 large
Strawberries, fresh, 1 cup, halves

LUNCH: BLT with turkey bacon
Bread, whole wheat (including toast), 1 slice, thin (3-3/4″ x 5″ x 3/8″)
Louis Rich Turkey Bacon, 3 serving
Mayonnaise, regular (mayo), 1 tbsp
Red Ripe Tomatoes, 4 slice, medium (1/4″ thick)

SNACK: Cucumber w/hummus
Creamy Hummus , 1 serving
Cucumber (with peel), 1 cucumber (8-1/4″)

DINNER: Ryan Benson’s Portobello; asparagus; and mashed potatoes with butter
Asparagus, fresh, 5 spear, medium (5-1/4″ to 7″ long)
Mashed Potatoes, 0.5 cup
Ryan Benson’s Portobello , 1 serving
Smart Balance Buttery Spread, 0.66 tbsp

SNACK: Apples; and mozzarella cheese
Apples, fresh, 0.75 cup slices
Mozzarella Cheese, part skim milk, 1 oz

All of this equals =

CALORIES: 1,142
CARBS: 134 g
FIBER: 24 mg
PROTEIN: 53 g
FAT: 49 g
SATURATED FAT: 17 g
CHOLESTEROL: 418 mg
SODIUM: 2,553 mg

DAY TWO:

BREAKFAST: Cream of Wheat w/milk; and a tangerine
Cream of Wheat Cereal (Without Salt), 0.5 cup
Cream of Wheat Cereal (Without Salt), 0.5 cup
Milk, nonfat, 1 cup
Tangerines, 1 large (2-1/2″ dia)

SNACK: Tomato-Lentil Soup; and apple juice
Apple juice, unsweetened, 3 fl oz
Tomato-Lentil Soup, 1 serving

LUNCH: Peanut butter and jelly sandwich; and celery
Bread, whole wheat (including toast), 1 slice, thin (3-3/4″ x 5″ x 3/8″)
Celery, raw, 2 stalk, large (11″-12″ long)
Jams, preserves, jelly, 1 tbsp
Peanut Butter, smooth style, 1 tbsp

SNACK: Salad w/italian dressing
Kraft Light Done Right Italian Salad Dressing, 2 tbsp
Tossed Salad, 2 cup

DINNER: Pork tenderloin w/peppers; and mashed potatoes w/butter
Green Peppers (bell peppers), 0.5 cup, strips
Mashed Potatoes, 0.5 cup
Pork Tenderloin, 2 oz
Smart Balance Buttery Spread, 0.66 tbsp

SNACK: Low fat vanilla ice cream; and blueberries
Blueberries, fresh, 0.5 cup
Lowfat Vanilla Ice Cream, 0.5 cup (4 fl oz)

All of this equals=

CALORIES: 1,181
CARBS: 178 g
FIBER: 21 mg
PROTEIN: 52 g
FAT: 33 g
SATURATED FAT: 8 g
CHOLESTEROL: 61 mg
SODIUM: 2,205 mg

Honest to goodness, I am bound and determined to lose some weight before they put those embicicles in me.

BOUND AND DETERMINED.

COME HELL OR HIGH WATER.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Nov 28 2005 8:47 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Blogging On Blogging
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I’ve been at this blogging thing about a year now and I have learned much.

I could lie and say that I have gained an enormous amount but the truth of the matter is that I have also been hurt a great deal as well.

I can only assume that this is universal as I have read hints of it on other blogs. I also assume that I have been on the giving end of some hurt feelings.

I’ll be raw right now. In my real life, I am a complete shit when it comes to keeping in contact. I don’t return calls immediately and I am much better at spur of the moment excursions than planned events. This is how sick I am: I have a surprise birthday party to go to tomorrow and although I am sure it will be fun, I dread it. However, if I had gotten a phone call tomorrow morning about “let’s surprise Denis today!”, I would have been the first one getting the troops together and I would have had the most fun.

My best friend since 3rd grade is just like me. We can go 6 months without speaking to each other and neither of us takes it personally. I know she loves me and vice versa. She, nor I, have ever said “why didn’t you call me?!”. I never even liked men who wanted to call me everyday.

I have lost many friends because of my lack of correspondence. I tend to attract myself to people who have a lot going on and therefore, don’t get their feelings hurt so easily if I don’t call them back immediately.

I have never, ever, ever said “why didn’t you call me????” waaaaa; “call me! i’m worried about you” because someone didn’t return my phone call, or “are you mad at me???” waaaaaaaaaaa.

In real life, I have met a ton of people. I have become good friends with a very small amount of those people. That is universal. For me, just because I am good friends with someone does not mean that I will be friends for life. If I have a great date with a man and let’s say, we even become girlfriend and boyfriend, this does not mean that we will be friends forever. I have been engaged four times and had too many to count boyfriends (I got married at 37 people!) and I am only “friends” with one of my exes. “Friends” means I still care about him and think of him fondly and we speak on the phone about once a year to catch up on each other’s lives. Every other man who I have dated, loved, been engaged to even, is completely wiped out of my life.

Girlfriends are no different for me. Just because we were friends, good friends, roommates, bestest of bestest soulmate friends, does not mean that we will be in contact forever. I can’t count the number of girlfriends I have had and I am in contact with very few of them.

I have moved around a lot so perhaps that has something to do with it. I am not the same person I was 2 years ago or 4 years ago or 10 years ago or 20 years ago. It is like several lifetimes for me. It is like different water levels in a pool, there are only so many people who are swimming with me at any given time. It’s not like I wish everyone else would drown, we are just at different places and for me, that is normal. I don’t try to hold my breath for someone who has moved to another place, nor do I expect anyone else to hold their breath for me.

I don’t even know if this is making any sense anymore. I am just trying to make a point about how I am in real life. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I also think that I am very kind and loving and generous. I think that deep down, everyone is insecure to some degree. Everyone wants to feel important, be heard, and feel special. I have zero tolerance for bitchiness or hatred and yet I have no problem with shuffling the people in my life like cards in a deck. If we are growing apart, I tend to find that a natural process of living and growing and do not take it personally.

So, why is it different here? Why do I sometimes take things more personally here than anywhere?

When I first started blogging, I tried to read everyone and even everyone on their blogrolls. I tried to comment as much as I could and I so appreciated the attention that I received. There were some people who I corresponded with in the beginning whom I no longer keep in contact with and there are some people who I have become closer to over time that I did not correspond with in the beginning.

When I see people blogging about how much they want comments, appreciate comments, need feedback etc…. I am amazed at how few of them actually GIVE comments to others. Some people treat this as a stage and they want applause and yet they don’t reciprocate. I could name a ton of people who I rarely see comment on ANYONE’s blog.

I know that my political views have turned many people off (which I find interesting) - God FORBID anyone have an opposing view. I have never wiped anyone out of my life because I didn’t agree with them politically……..however, I have wiped tons of people out because I found them to be hateful. I had one best, bestest of the best soul mate girlfriends who married a man in a cult from India and after going to that compound for three weeks after 9-11, she and I had breakfast together and as she was giving me these cool bracelets she had bought for me she was telling me how ashamed she was to be an American and that after traveling around the world (India?), she realized how evil we are as a country and that we deserved what we got and that we actually should be destroyed as a nation. I looked into her eyes and all I could see was a distant, cold, emptiness. I felt sick immediately and excused myself to go to the bathroom and my instant diarrhea was very telling of my emotional state. Standing in the parking lot, I told her that I could no longer see her if she truly believed that so many innocent lives should have been taken and she was shocked and appalled at my inability to have an open mind and she admitted that even more lives needed to be lost in order for “us” to get the point. It wasn’t her political views, it was her hatred that made it impossible for me to remain friends with her.

The last time I spoke to my bestest, bestest girlfriend Uta, she was going on and on about she was fucking her handyman/next door neighbor whilst his girlfriend/fiancé waited for his phone calls and she went to dinner with a girlfriend that night at a restaurant and as she looked around the place, she noticed how ugly everyone was and she said that she just had to leave. She was serious. It was the unkindness that made it impossible for me to remain friends with her.

I refuse to surround myself with anyone who is unkind to anyone in a malicious way.

Wow…………this may be my world record of longest blog post. Perhaps, I should be more disciplined with my writing.

Back to my blogging point, if there is one, is that I am a shit when it comes to reading and commenting and I am very sorry if I have hurt anyone’s feelings. My lack of correspondence is usually no reflection on my admiration. My shitteth runneth over here just as it does in real life.

So, why do I get hurt when I feel shunned here? Why do I take shunniness (new word) as a personal negative when in my real life, I actually appreciate and understand it? Hell, I don’t expect people to read or applaud when I am blogging about everyday crap but by damn, when something earth shattering is happening to me and my life, I expect support. I remember when I was in IVF#3 hell and got a kind of sorta positive beta and then a kind of sort of almost doubling even worse possibility number, I was more hurt by the people who I knew came and read about my pain and yet continued on their way.

I think that my mistake has been in assuming that this is a support group. Although, I have received an enormous amount of love and support and actually cannot imagine how I could have carried on without the amazing outpouring of love from so many wonderful people, I have also been hurt by some unkind people. Being “unkind” does not mean “intentionally hurtful”. I think that this medium welcomes more misunderstandings.

So, even as I have been hurt, I have also hurt others. I have never really emailed commenters to say “thank you” on a regular basis. I do not even acknowledge most of them. I rarely get to my blog emails (which is on a complicated, overrun with spam thingamajig.wired-hub.thingythatisapaininmyass) and so I am not consistent with any correspondence. I do not read new blogs and find it almost impossible to keep up with the people who I am familiar with and I often find myself overwhelmed with how far behind I am and what a shit friend I am in the internet world.

However, I will never, ever ask “do you still like me?”, “are you mad at me?” and I will never expect to get more than I give.

I will, however, promise to always be encouraging to anyone who I read about, hear about, or link about who is having a tough time or waiting for their beta or is having a miscarriage or getting a divorce - always. I cannot imagine reading about such heartache and clicking away, to do so, in my mind, would be unkind.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Nov 26 2005 3:11 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
If M. Could See Me Now
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

There are only a few things here that I would be ashamed of writing if my lovely husband came upon my blog.

Naively, I really don’t think he is interested in reading this. For us, it would be a bit like him going into my purse or me going into his wallet.

I make an effort to not speak ill of my husband here and that has more to do with the fact that I admire him so much and would never want to disrespect him. Even if we are going through a rough spot, and we do, I don’t blog about it. He is my other half, he is my husband, my life partner.

There is one entry that I can remember that I would be horrified about if he did read this journal. It was when he needed to donate his sperm for IVF#3 and we were at a new doctor’s office and it took him FOREVER. Since that has never been a problem, I didn’t want to make it an issue and so I just made light of the situation and arranged for us to stay in a hotel come retrieval day……….it was my little blog secret. So, if M. did come here and he happened to read there, he would feel betrayed and embarrassed. He had to jack off in a little toilet room with a little window and nothing else, so, for eff’s sake, I think that most men had problems with their sperm samples. Nevertheless, M. never knew that I felt more comfortable about staying in a hotel close enough to use the little specimen cup since we live two hours away from my doctor’s office.

My family knows about my blog but has never asked about how to get here and honestly, I am such an open book with them, they probably don’t feel the need to read about my drama when I so readily speak it.

I did have a girlfriend who wanted to read my blog. She had my url and said that she enjoyed reading it. We have since broken up and I have wondered if she still reads here. I imagine that she wonders if I ever did get pregnant, if nothing else. She and I have had three falling outs in our 15 year history. We are both very loving, emotional, honest AND sensitive. For me, she is very intense at times and can be snooty and pretentious. Uta, if you are still reading here, I am sorry, but it is true. I wish you well.

I never openly blogged about my friendship falling apart because I knew that I would censor myself and it wouldn’t be completely gut honest.

That is the gift of blogging, the gut honesty part.

It is also incredibly rewarding when people who read give such amazing support.

That being said, if my older sister happened to read my little entry just two weeks ago about their upcoming visit, she would be hurt and I don’t even want to think about the hurt and pain if my MIL read everything that I said about her!

So, how does one blog honestly and still protect loved ones? Personally, I think it is impossible.

In a perfect world, I would have a blog/journal that only kind people read and it would be hidden from everyone close to me so that I could really vent and purge without the fear of discovery.

Perhaps a bedside diary with lock and key wasn’t such a bad idea after all?




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Nov 25 2005 8:54 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Ohhhhh……….Happy Thanksgiving Already!
By Julianna on IVF#4

This is my first Thanksgiving alone with my husband. You might think that this is a good thing, but, in fact, it is not. I miss South Carolina. I miss my mother and I miss my relatives and I miss the South. I miss getting off of the plane to the smell of thick air and changing leaves. I miss my bed at my mother’s house and the smell of her cheap Folger*s coffee in the morning.

I have done what any good wife would do, and I have made reservations for Thanksgiving Dinner at a wonderful restaurant. WHAT????? Did you actually think that I am going to cook a turkey and fixin’s for just me and my husband??????????? really???????????? ohhhhhhhhh……………….

Not to whine, because I will be spending two weeks with my family in Hawaii at Christmas time, my mother has even arranged a Christmas Day Luau for all of us. (A total of 12 family members). So, enough of my Thanksgiving grief!

Ahhhh…….Christmas and New Years in Hawaii!

Okay, honestly…….. M. and I will spend one week with the family and then we are headed off to a remote island for the final week to re-group as a husband and wife. We will be about to venture on our all important FET of our IVF#4……(shhhhh……..but i am scared).

Honestly, FET of IVF#4!…………..damnation……….if i was reading that about anybody but me, i would just nod negatively and sigh for the poor couple.

Without Hope, one has nothing. Please dear Lord, let one of the frozen ten stick. That is right, my lovely Dr. Next will transfer everything that thaws well. If all ten thaw, all ten will be transferred. It brings new meaning to the term “mother load”.

That is also why I am so discouraged by my lack of energy and my failure to lose weight. I gained 15 pounds with my last two IVFs, and I cannot lose a pound, in spite of my new LifeCycle.

It is all I can do to rise above it all. My lovely Dr. Next said that my weight is by no means a factor and that I will be fine. I so HEART him. For Hope’s sake, I want to be thin and healthy for a potential pregnancy.

I am finally recovered from my flu and have actually been exercising for the past four days. Not that it matters on the scale. I am getting very discouraged and depressed.

Soooo, ….wow………….this ended up being a bummer of a post.

Initially, what I wanted to blog about was my infatuation with the internet/blog world.

Like>………………..>>>>>>>>>>>>

I sooooooooo miss getupgrrl.

I miss her voice, her humour, her genius, and her kindness.

It was getupgrrl who was so kind to me when my first IVF failed and I was so desperately searching the internet about “Failed IVF”, “Rescue ICSI”, “What In The Hell Will I Do With My Spare Bedroom Planned Nursery and Will I Live Through This” and she so sweetly replied with amazing empathy and encouragement whilst going through her own hell.

I also adore the British blogs that I read regularly. Just the other night, I was laying in bed and I was laughing…..gut-belly laughing about a blog and a contest that I had entered. My lovely husband asked me what in the hell I was laughing about in the middle of the night and I could barely get it out that “it ….is…..,….just…………tooooo……………..funnnnnyy…………………what………….i……………..thought of………ohhhhhhhh,” with tears streaming down my face…………….

Lovely Husband at 1:00 a.m : “you are laughing like this about something you read on the internet, it’s the middle of the night?”

Me: “Ohhhhh……………it is toooooo funnyyyyy!!!! Henry The Thirst had a straw in his mouth and I entered the contest……………and I said that this was how Henry blew his brains out………..ohhhhhhhhhhhhh……………….ohhhhhhhh………..” I couldn’t finish I was laughing so hard.

My lovely husband: “Do you think you may be spending too much time on the internet?”

It’s the little things, people.

Thank you for the opportunity to laugh when I didn’t think it was possible.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Nov 20 2005 9:02 PM Updated: Mon, Nov 21 2005 3:07 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
A Sad Time
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Just as I am posting away about an upcoming party! and, oh what fun!!! and, do come!!!!!! won’t you!!!!!!!!, I am filled with sadness for my sisters in pain after reading terrible news.

Chris just got home from her much anticipated, exciting appointment, only to find out that there is no longer a heartbeat. Her SEVENTH miscarriage. Chris, my heart is completely shattered for you.

To all of the parents who have been waiting for their babies in China, my heart breaks for you as well. It seems that there is a huge stall of some kind and all of these wonderful nurseries will sit empty for another 12 months or more. Another year. Just torture.

This is yet another bad spot in the blogosphere of pain.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Nov 18 2005 1:31 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
For A Good Time……….
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

We have 15 (FIFTEEN!) confirmed attendees for the Bay Area Festival of Infertiles. Susan is doing an amazing job organizing this fun little get-together. The requirements are that all attendees are infertile and if anyone brings a small child, I will take them home with me. I think some of the Southern California/ West Coast afflicted should think of coming up for the weekend! You need not have a blog to attend, so please, join us won’t you?!

…………………………………………


……………………………………~~ 2:00 p.m. - 5:00 p.m. ~~…………………………

~~ Location: Top Secret - conveniently located to all Bay area locations ~~

~~ RSVP: Please email Susan and she will forward the all important details. ~~





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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Nov 18 2005 11:10 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
It Will Probably Hurt and I May Get Sick
By Julianna on IVF#4

Normally, after my sister visits, I am left wondering what farm animal raised her, but this time, she was very well behaved. She didn’t talk to me much at all about my infertility so, perhaps that is the trick to us getting along.

She has told me many times that she thinks I have wasted precious time and energy fighting the odds and she also thinks that I spend too much time being bogged down by my motherless ness.

We went to a nail salon today and since she needed all of the extras with her pedicure and manicure, I was left waiting in the crowded sitting area.

A mother walked in with her two sons. The youngest looked to be about 5 and the oldest was around 7 years of age. Now, why in the hell a woman would think that her children would be good at a nail salon is beyond me.

One of my pet peeves is people who insist on bringing their small children to adult events and then demand that they behave. We used (USED) to have good friends who insisted on bringing their two year old to all of our dinner functions and not only was he a terror, they never bothered to bring the child toys nor food. Once, I had a pasta meal prepared with Caesar salad and the mother asked me not to add spices and olive oil to some of the tomato sauce so her son could eat also.

Of course, if when I have a child, I will be an amazing mother. If, for some unimaginable reason, I am not able to get a baby sitter and I am still expected at a function and it is imperative that I be there, I would arrive with a suitcase full of activities….I imagine a blow up castle that substitutes as a playpen and the child will be so incredibly entertained that no one else will even know that he/she is in the house and I would bring enough food for a week, just in case of an emergency…….and the sun and the moon shall shine brightly and I will live happily ever after …..and……..sorry, got carried away there.

So, for sure, definitely, and without question, I would never bring two small boys to a nail salon and expect them to behave for an hour.

The little 4 year old sat in the only vacant seat, which happened to be beside me, and his older brother sat on the floor facing us.

The 4 year old was whining and fussing and swinging his little legs back and forth, almost kicking his brother. The mother could have cared less as she was all the way across the salon getting her pedicure.

The little one was adorable and perfectly beside himself with anger at having to sit there forever.

Me: “Are you going to get your nails done?”

Little One: looking at me with big brown wet eyes but no longer fussing, “no.”.

Me: “I bet your feet would love a nice pedicure”

Little One: (smiling a little) “boys don’t get their feet done“.

Me: (pointing to the case in front of us that displays the earrings for piercing) “you could get your ears pierced while you’re here.”

Little One: “Boys don’t get their ears pierced”

Older Brother: “yes they do! and i have a cousin who got her tongue pierced and then her daddy made her take it out and she said that it hurt a lot but now she has a big hole in the middle….here..(as he pointed to the middle of his tongue)”

Little One: “Do you have your tongue pierced?”

Me: “no”

Little One: “Do you have your belly button pierced?”

Me: “no”

Little One: “Do they pierce tongues here too?”

Me: “I don’t think so, I think they do that at tattoo parlors”

Little One: “Do you have a tattoo?”

Me: “No, I just have my ears pierced”

Little One: “Did it hurt?”

Me: “Yes it did”

Little One: “Does it still hurt?”

Me: “no, it only hurts for a second when they first pierce it”

Little One: “my baby cousin got her ears pierced right after she was born because they said that babies can’t feel anything and it didn’t hurt her”

Me: “I wonder if she cried when they did it”

Big Brother: “I bet it did too hurt!”

Little One: “are you waiting on your daughter?”

Me:“no, I am waiting for my sister”

Little One: “do you have any kids?”

Me:“no”

Little One: (looking up at me with doe eyes) “do you want any kids?”

Me: (me, wondering if he would like a new momma) “yes, I’d love to have children”

Little One: “It don’t hurt”

Big Brother: “It does too hurt! my mommy had my big sister and my daddy was in there when my sister was being born and he said that it was such a mess and he was there in the room and my sister still wasn’t born yet and my daddy had to tell everybody he had to go to the bathroom and he went in the bathroom and he fro’d up!”

At that, my sister was done with her appointment and we needed to leave. I said my goodbyes and as I was gathering my purse, the 4 year old had one last word of advice.

Little One: “Well, you still should have kids even if it might hurt and you might fro up.”




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Nov 14 2005 8:39 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
“Infertility Fun” For 5,000 Alex
By Julianna on IVF#4

It seems that many infertiles are gathering in various cities and it made me ponder the possibilities. By the way, some Bay area infertiles are planning to meet LIVE and IN PERSON in the coming weeks, so if you live in the area and are interested in joining us, please send me an email (julianna@myeggsarecooked.wired-hub.com).

The last time I was back home in South Carolina, I had the pleasure of meeting a fellow infertile. We did it southern style and actually went to each other’s houses. I visited her husband and had the great honor of meeting their two heathen orphaned children whom they rescued from China. Lorrie came to my parents home and met……well,…….well…….she met my parents. Lorrie never had a blog and only commented a couple of times on mine so when we started exchanging emails to meet face to face, I felt vulnerable. What if she really hated me? What if she was a troll?

She turned out to be wondrously warm and friendly and so incredibly hilarious. Her story just completely blew me away and I begged her to start a blog. After much ado, she finally has her wonderful family and her girls are growing.

Lorrie herself is adopted so she takes zero nonsense about “you’re not my real momma!” because she quickly tells them “well, I don’t have a real momma either so just be glad you’re not going to inherit these hips and teeth!“. Of course, I am paraphrasing, Lorrie says it much more eloquently.

Meeting Lorrie makes me wonder about other bloggers/commenters/lurkers and I hope that when people are planning these outings, that the blogless also venture out like Lorrie did with me.

In a perfect world, I imagine these infertile gatherings as actual showers where every person is the guest of honor. I mean really, it may be the closest many ever come to having a real baby shower.

The room would be decorated with tons of sperm balloons and then there would be one lone half-filled egg balloon because we all know what a bitch those eggs are.

Everyone could play showeresque games:

Instead of “Pin The Tail On The Donkey“, how about “Stab The Belly With The Needle“? Whoever gets closest to the proper injection technique while blindfolded will receive 100 individually wrapped alcohol swabs.

Instead of “Guess The Due Date!“, how about “Guess My FSH!“? Whoever gets closest, without going over, to guessing the cumulative FSH levels of the attending women, will receive 50 progesterone suppositories.

There could be cupcakes decorated like 2-cell, 4- cell and 8-celled embryos.

Of course, eggs would be featured……deviled eggs, boiled eggs, decorated eggs, egg custard…….

Everyone will leave with a little plastic stork filled with baby dust or possibly, a bottle of vodka?

Other game prizes could include a box of 3/4 inch - 27 gauge needles, a week’s worth of HPTs, a box of Kleenex…….for sure a box of Kleenex…

Ohhhh, the possibilities are endless………..




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Nov 9 2005 6:50 PM Updated: Thu, Nov 10 2005 12:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Where Are My Bootstraps
By Julianna on IVF#4

I do believe that the #1 greatest invention of all time is TheraFlu.

Perhaps the faux food poisoning symptoms were actually the hint of things to come.

I would also LOVE to know why I still am not losing any weight.

I had been riding my new LifeCycle before these microorganisms decided to ravage my body and I even did a very stupid thing and bought some TrimS*pa because you know, Anna Nicole and all. Honest to goodness, that bottle of TS cost me about $45 and I could not tell a bit of difference with anything.

I have run a fever of about 101 all weekend so if nothing else, you’d think that all that sweating would have amounted to some kind of drop in poundage.

I really do want to get into shape before they put the embryos in and January is right around the corner.

I am rather in a funk about it all to be perfectly honest.

I keep telling myself that I get S.A.D.D. this time of year and I am also the worst flu baby so feelings are just more magnified at the moment.

I will also have a new occupant for my guest room in a few days as my sister and brother-in-law are gracing me with their presence. I am always so pleased to see them and even more pleased to see them leave.

This is my sister who is one year older than me who never wanted children. She cannot understand why I am going through so many treatments to try to have a child. She is also a Nurse Practitioner and she thinks that I am ruining myself.

Not to be overly dramatic, but I really don’t care if I am ruining my ovaries. I don’t think that I will ever regret trying so hard.

I do not know what I will do with myself if my last ditch effort fails. I just cannot go there right now. The really pitiful thing is that if I do have a baby, I will sing the praises of IVF, however, if it was all for naught, then I will be very pissed off for a very, very, very long time.

Family trees are such a given, I would have never guessed that I would be left with such a sorry stump.

Perhaps I am due for another dose of TheraFlu and I can sleep through this nightmare that is called my life.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Nov 6 2005 4:14 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Chicken Bog
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

My favorite food growing up was something called “chicken bog”. It is a South Carolina dish made of chicken and rice and occasionally people also add sausage.

I really wish I had not seen the sausage ideas because now, I believe I may have murdered my husband and I.

My family chicken bog recipe is really simple:

1 whole cut up chicken
4 1/2 cups of water
2 cups rice
salt and pepper

Simply bring the water to a boil with the chicken and then put on low for 45 minutes (covered). Take the chicken out and de-bone and skin the chicken and place it back in the chicken water and add the 2 cups of rice. Bring chicken bits and the water to a boil and then put on low simmer (covered) for 35 minutes. Stir about every 10 minutes and keep covered. Salt and pepper to taste. It makes a wonderful rice dish.

I decided to read about chicken bog on the internet, because I am so scholarly and all, and that is when I noticed that many people also add sausage.

“Well, that would be good“, I thought. Yes, we rather like sausage and I believed I had some of the best in the whole wide world - Aidells chicken and apple sausage! YUM!!!!

So, whilst ripping the cooked chicken to bits, I also cut up four links of my sausage into bite sized pieces.

I have had the sausage in my refrigerator’s meat compartment for some time and I knew it needed to be eaten.

I decided that I just had to have a big bowl after tasting for rice doneness and flavors because it was probably the best bog I have ever made.

D.E.L.I.C.I.O.U.S

About an hour after eating it, I started to not feel right. Just kind of icky and I got a massive headache. I took 2 ES Tylenol and then my lovely husband came home.

He immediately smelled the home cooking and asked excitedly if I had made bog for dinner and I replied, “why yes, yes, I have“.

He actually requested the bog the night before. It is a great dish that we both love and it also provides us with about four nights worth of dinners.

I happily served him his plate and M. even requested seconds. There was something about the different colors in the cooked sausage that gave me pause.

I heated M.’s second helping and fetched the sausage wrapping from the garbage can.

It is recommended that it is eaten within 3 days of purchase or frozen. I found an expiration date on the back that was stamped AUG 05.

I don’t have the nerve to warn M.

In a really sick sort of way, I’ll know for sure if my symptoms are food poisoning related if he comes down with symptoms shortly.

I know that if I mention it to him, he will immediately become violently ill……so I have decided to not give him any bright ideas.

Time is ticking.

Writing this has helped distract me from my migraine and M. is looking well. He is about an hour into the experiment.

.

***Updated to add: Well, he never got ill. He can have the rest.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Nov 3 2005 8:12 PM Updated: Fri, Nov 4 2005 10:59 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Random Things I Am Pondering Tonight
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

1. Am I the only one who sometimes fails the spam blocker tests for comments on blogs? I mean really, who knew that “q”, “j”, “g” and sometimes “y” and “j” and also “m” and “n” were so difficult to distinguish? Who knew.

2. Bless that patient I had today who informed me that her OB/GYN informed her that Xylocaine would be fine for any dental treatments and she could have x-rays and when I asked her if she was pregnant, she replied “no, but we’re trying!“…..she is 39 and just got married two months ago. Bless her little heart. She is so excited. I remember when I used to think like that.

3. Bless my heart for simply stating that I didn’t have any children when she just. had. to. ask.. Bless my soul for not even hinting at the pain that answer gives me.

4. How do Julie and Milenka do it?!? They keep awesome blogrolls and are able to keep up with so many wonderful new blogs and seem to continue to have a regular life. I also sometimes wonder how they keep people on their list who they don’t really care for, I mean, surely they don’t like everyone they link. Hell, they may not like me. Also, secretly, I wonder how Julie still stays so in touch with so many new infertile blogs when she has clearly moved on with her gorgeous Charlie.

5. Why does my husband love me so? I know what he gives me (1 + 1 ALWAYS= 2) and I have to wonder what he gets from me.

Wait, I’ll ask. He doesn’t read my blog so I can talk about him like this.

Me:“M…..M!!!!!!,……..MMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

hmmmmm, he seems to not be able to hear me.

Yep, he is in his office and has his pilots ear phones on……he says that his game sounds awesome with them… he plays some kind of really, really geeky game called “Neverwinter Nights” and he gets to get unicorns and castles and he kills dragons……and oh……who knows what else….

ohhhhhhh! wait! he is answering me!

Me: “My baby. Why do you love me so?”

Him: “Because that’s my honey!”

Me: “What do you love most about me?”

Him: “What are you writing?! Are you writing in your blog?!”

Me: “What do you love most about me?”

Him: “I love everything about my baby.”

So, welcome to my little world.

I can’t remember my other ponderings.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Nov 1 2005 6:56 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Ohhhh, How I Have Cried
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

It seems that infertile bloggers are showing their wedding rings and telling their love story.

Here is my ring:

.

.

.

.

That’s right.

I don’t have one.

I just lost it.

About a month ago.

and I am sick about it.

It kind of looked like this but there were pave diamonds circling the entire diamond as well.



We went to this amazing jeweler and after he got my ring size and found out my tastes, he and M. designed my ring together. I actually found a picture of my ring in an ad for Peter’s store, but it is difficult to see. I tried to crop it but I don’t know what I am doing and truthfully, it just upsets me so.

Here is my actual ring (it is the one on the far left):



The last time I saw my ring was a month ago. I have never lost a piece of jewelry in my life and I cannot imagine that it is actually gone.

I have little jewelry dishes near every sink in my house and since my ring was tight, I had to use soap and water to remove it.

I never wear my ring when I work because I have to wash my hands constantly and I go through a ton of gloves all day and frankly, it just gets in the way.

I was not feeling well that week so it was easy for me to retrace my steps and clothes and well, it is just too upsetting to get into…..i cannot accept that it is actually gone.

I didn’t sleep for three nights and when I did drift off, I would wake up suddenly with a new bright idea and do things like run downstairs and move the sofa and slip covers and fluff the down and roll up throw rugs and disassemble chairs and ottomans ….all in the hopes of finding a miracle.

I even had a dream that floss fell out of a pants pocket while hanging in the closet and it was in a shoe I never wear…………I immediately shot out of bed at 2:30 a.m. and shook all of my shoes and felt all over the corners of my closet and M. found me there, on the floor, of our closet and I told him about the dream and he asked what floss had to do with my ring. I had to explain that floss was a metaphor for my ring and I really thought I was getting a vision………..and ohhhh….. how he thought I was crazy.

So, I HAD a ring.

The ring was insured, and State Farm was so awesome and so amazingly accommodating - we actually received payment on Friday.

I could call Peter and tell him what happened and show him the ad that I found with a picture of my ring in it and I could ask him to please re-make it for me but I just don’t have it in me. It just won’t be the same. It was the love and the attention and the surprise and the drama that made that ring so special.

It was the energy within that ring that I will forever miss.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Oct 30 2005 12:05 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Heel My Pain
By Julianna on IVF#4

No really……my fucking feet hurt like a mother…..

ohhhhhh……alright…….i’ll quit cursing.

But truly, it is amazing how important one’s feet are

Damnation

I have been walking a vigorous three miles every day since BEFORE I began my IVF#4…..numero quattro….Quattro Falsetto…..perhaps I can come up with a more clever numbering system…..I mean really, #1, #2, #3, #4, #4 3/4……it really is rather boring after a while.

IVF #1 = “Decorate The Nursery!”
IVF #2 = “For Sure, NOW!”
IVF #3 = “Will I Live Through This?”
IVF #4 = “God, Help Me”
IVF #4 3/4 = “Who Am I Fucking Kidding”

Sorry, I got off track……

I tend to do that when I am trying to find some kind of humour with my amazingly disastrous failures.

My husband adores me and he makes me laugh more than anyone in the world and he also picks me up and carries me when I can no longer find the strength to go on.

I have said it before, he is happy. He is fine if we never have children. He wants this for me…..oh….yes…..he will be a wonderful father and I know that it will change his life. He just doesn’t know how wonderful it will be until it happens and I am cursed with knowing now.

So, the real truth is that with “Decorate The Nursery!” and “For Sure, NOW!”, I actually lost weight. Now, let’s not get carried away. I am a woman….a full breasted, fully hipped woman and have worn a size 10 for the past ten years. I have been arrogant enough to feel like I looked good and I embraced my body and it’s curves.

Imagine my surprise when I gained fifteen pounds with “Will I Live Through This?” and my eating habits were the same. I completely attribute it to the lupron and the Long Protocol. I went right into “God, Help Me” without a break and was afraid of gaining more weight.

I started my vigorous walks just before the injections of IVF#4 (aka “God Help Me“). Every single day, I walked the three miles, even just before retrieval and the day after retrieval. Dr. Next said that it was fine for me to walk as long as I felt up to it. The day after they took my 31 eggs, I put on my summer hat with iPod in tow, and I started my walk. After being gone an hour, I saw my husband in his car looking for me. He pulled up beside me and asked if I was okay and did I want a ride home. I told him “no”, that although I was walking in baby steps and taking my time, I was really okay and I wanted to stay healthy. He crept his car beside me until I finally got home another 45 minutes later. I drank large sums of Gatorade and water and I really felt like I was defeating any OHSS symptoms with my daily routine.

There are some moments that will forever linger in my mind when I think of my love for my husband and him, in that car, with brakes on and windows down, rolling with me because I might have needed him, will forever be at the top of my list of fine moments of love.

I continued to walk, even when I was sleeping 20 hours a day for the month following “God, Help Me” and doctors could not find anything wrong, except that my hormones were probably out of whack. You reckon?

Imagine my surprise, when after regaining my strength and my mother was visiting, I was experiencing the most terrible foot pain when I woke up in the morning. It would get better about an hour after waking but it progressively got worse until three weeks ago, when I could no longer carry my weight.

Dr. Google quickly, and correctly, diagnosed me with plantar fasciitis and so, then, my walking ceased.

I have not lost a single pound…………not a single pound with all of that walking. It did help me psychologically and so, for that, I guess it was worth it.

I bought some Dr. Scholl’s shoes and I bought four different kinds of shoe/heel/gel inserts. I am finally feeling better.

However, I have not been exercising and I feel like a tub of lard.

Surprisingly, I have not gained any additional weight.

My lovely husband bought me a LifeCycle and the three delivery/assembly gentlemen just left my home. They showed me how to program the computer and they told me how lucky I was to get such a wonderful “present”.

So, here is to getting healthy and hopefully, to losing weight.

I did go to lunch today with a girlfriend and then we went to a lovely clothing boutique and I bought three new outfits. I am tired of looking frumpy.

I even fixed my hair myself. I bought some of the over-the-counter highlighting stuff and after two tries, I think I look rather decent.

I don’t know how “Who Am I Fucking Kidding” will end, but, just in case it ends with me being pregnant (insert uproarious laughter and light the applause sign > here), I need to be healthy.

It doesn’t hurt to feel purty either.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Oct 27 2005 3:51 PM Updated: Thu, Oct 27 2005 8:36 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Useless Mucous
By Julianna on IVF#4

I’m just biding time until my next hellacious treatment begins.

I have really, really, really tried to be a trouper but four years later and a year and half of back to back IVFs has me a bit shell shocked.

Perhaps I have post traumatic stress disorder.

If I was watching this movie of mine, I would wonder why the star was still so hopeful.

I have had two blessed months of relief.

Seeing my gorgeous, thick, mucous this weekend had me announcing to my lovely husband,”I am ovulating! Exactly on schedule!” For the first time, I saw it in his face. Even he has lost faith in us.

I am not ready to accept defeat.

I will enjoy my next month and a half of a reprieve because I really don’t know what I am going to do if it never works.

In the meantime, I will continue to be amazed at all of the parents of the world and remain exceedingly heartbroken.

So, I need to look on the bright side.

Ummmm….yeah.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Oct 24 2005 3:07 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Chop Chop!
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

No matter how sad I am, when I can make myself go out into the world, I always feel better. Always.

Y’all have been troupers, I mean, with my bad hair and all.

Now, we are going to my most favorite destination!



We are going to a small street called Moonstone Beach Drive in Cambria. Cambria has a charming enough downtown area and is about 10 miles South of the Hearst Castle. Moonstone Beach Drive is a bit of a hideaway and has many charming Inns. I have stayed in just about all of them and my favorite is Pelican Suites (now called Pelican Cove) because it is one of the only places that has ocean view rooms with a balcony on a second floor. This way, we can sit out on the balcony to enjoy our surroundings and smoke .



I started going to Cambria when I first moved to California to become a big movie star. It grabbed my heart and soul immediately and I cannot count the number of times I have been to this sacred place. For me, it is peaceful, calming, centering, and rejuvenating.

Every close girlfriend that I have had since the age of 24 has spent at least one weekend with me in Cambria. We would drive up from Los Angeles which is about four hours away and now, I live only two hours north. Nothing compares to my time with my husband. He loved it there as well and after knowing me for six months he took me back there to ask me to marry him. We walked down this path to a bench that had our initials still visible from a previous trip and he proposed.



Sure, there is the Hearst Castle less than ten miles away……



And our favorite wineries in California are just 20 miles away in Paso Robles……



There is much to do and I can point you in the right direction……however, if you don’t mind, I prefer to just stay here, on Moonstone Beach Drive and climb down the stairs to the beach so I can look really, really, really closely at the tide pools and then I will probably climb on some rocks so that I can feel at one with the many seals that are sunning and I am sure that I will spend countless hours looking through the sand at the beach to fill another jar full of the beautiful jade that no one seems to notice right under their feet.

When I die, and I will, I want 1/3 of my ashes sprinkled here.

My secret hideaway.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Oct 20 2005 7:00 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Wine Tasting For Dummies
By Julianna on Wine Night Knowledge

Not that I am calling anyone a dummy or anything…….I would never be so rude to my lovely vacation guests.



So, I would love for us to go wine tasting and at the risk of being a know-it-all, a little review is in order.

I actually took a wine tasting class in Napa several years ago because I just didn’t feel completely comfortable with the wine tasting process.

What I learned is that there are even more pretentious people tasting and serving wines than there are ways to enjoy this wonderful libation.



Wine tasting can be quite intimidating, that is, unless you get drunk enough not to care.

So, we will continue our week long virtual holiday with a wine tasting class before we begin our actual wine tour of the region.

The first step is to hold the glass properly.

Of the following pictures, only ONE represents the proper way to hold a glass of wine, can you guess which way is the correct way?:









Holding the glass by the stem prevents you from changing the intended temperature of the wine with the heat of your hand and thus, altering the intended flavor.

So, try to hold the glass by the stem and not the “bowl” of the glass.

When pouring a glass of wine, it should never be poured more than the fattest part of the bowl. White wine glasses have a different design than red wine glasses because of their need for aeration. There is a fabulous wine glass maker in Germany called “Riedel” that actually specializes in very specific varietal wine glasses.



I attended a Riedel seminar once and was amazed at the difference in taste of wines due to the shape of the glass. The same exact bottle of wine was poured into four different glasses and just the way it hit the roof of the mouth and taste buds, made a huge difference.

Try to use red wine glasses for heartier wines and use white wine glasses for lighter bodied wines. It truly does make a difference in the taste.

The glasses at wineries are usually not the best for tasting.

.

Okay, enough of this……let’s get to the tasting part!

The very first thing is to smell the wine. That’s right. One must smell the wine first to really benefit from a true tasting.

You’d think that getting the nose of a wine would be easy but there is a correct way to get the aroma of wines.



Make sure that the rim of the glass touches the bridge of the nose (almost between the eyebrows) and the bottom rim of the glass should be just under the nose.

Now, smell the wine just after it has been poured.

That’s right, cup that glass around your nose and smell the aroma. Get it all in.

Now, place the glass down and swirl it around for about 15 seconds or more and now……smell it again.

You will notice a HUGE difference in the smell. Just that small amount of oxygenating the wine opens up the flavor immensely.

That is why it is so important to let wine breathe. This is also why so many wine connoisseurs constantly swirl their glass of wine.

I love decanters.

Decanters make fantastic wines taste absolutely amazing and decanters also make crappy wines taste impressive.





I have been asked about where to find cheap decanters and although I favor Riedel, I don’t see why an ordinary water pitcher won’t do the trick. The purpose is to aerate the wine, so if you don’t have a decanter, why not an ordinary pitcher? Simply removing the cork of a bottle does NOT let a bottle breathe.

Now, we are holding the glass correctly and we have smelled the wine.

Many people look at the color and “legs” of the wine at this time also. The depth of color and the slowness of the wine to drip along the bowl of the glass is an indication of how mature a wine is…..it also gives clues to how much sugar/alcohol is in the wine. If the drips of wine drop slowly (legs), there are higher glycerides which usually means higher levels of alcohol.

We don’t want TMI……we just want to enjoy ourselves…..so no need to be Sommeliers in training.

We have a good friend who is a sommelier (pronounced ’some-eh-yeah’) and it takes an amazing amount of talent and hard work to become a bona fide wine expert.

So, after smelling and swirling and tasting…….we must now learn to “chew” the wine.

That’s right…….tasting and chewing are completely different.

It is best to chew a wine when doing tastings.

If you want to drink a glass of wine, simply smell and sip and try to keep smelling as you swallow.

If you want to taste wines at wineries, try chewing. This involves putting a small amount of wine in your mouth and sucking air in your mouth whilst swishing the wine all around your mouth before you swallow it and don’t forget to smell as you are doing all of this.


Trust me, I almost drowned myself tasting at this winery when my sister and her friends came to wine taste. It was quite embarrassing. Chateau Julien winery could have been the spot of my demise.

So, practice chewing before you go out in public.

Okay, time to go on a road trip.

Drink the wines in order of presentation. The lighter bodied are first and the heaviest, last. Don’t try to go back and forth.

We will bring crackers with us in case the winery doesn’t have any snacks. Some do, some don’t.

We will also have plenty of bottled water on hand. It is very important to stay very hydrated while wine tasting.

USE THE DUMP BUCKET!!!

If you really drink all of the wine that is being poured, you will only last about a winery and a half. Wineries are not insulted if you dump a wine after tasting. They don’t expect you to like, nor drink, everything that is being poured.

I guarantee you that if you taste all of wines, you will walk away with a new appreciation and most likely, a new favorite.

Try not to say “I only like whites” or “I only like reds“……just sip and try.

You’ll be amazed at what you end up loving.

Don’t let anyone intimidate you with their knowledge or snobbery. It’s all about enjoying wines and having fun.

I call the front seat!




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Oct 17 2005 7:38 PM Updated: Wed, Oct 19 2005 7:14 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
It’s Vacation Time!!!!
By Julianna on Miscellaneous



Okay, my lovely peeps. We are finally going on a virtual vacation and I am the hostess so that means that I am the boss and everyone must behave.



All that is needed is a smile and a lovely attitude.

We begin our trip in lovely Monterey, California. Unfortunately, for those of you traveling by plane, the nearest large airport is in San Jose so that means you will have about an hour and a half drive South until you are in this vicinity. No, I will not pick you up and Yes, you will need to rent a car. In spite of what your travel agent will tell you, San Francisco airport is a terrible option. It is just too far (about 2 - 2 1/2 hours).

Our first stop will be the famous Monterey Bay Aquarium and Cannery Row only because everyone will ask if you went there and now, you can say “yes, i did and it was no big deal”.





Fisherman’s Wharf is another popular attraction and is a great place to catch boat tours for whale watching although you will freeze your ass off if you aren’t properly attired.





After the obligatory Monterey touristy stuff, one must do the 17 mile drive at Pebble Beach. Don’t be a smart ass and ask the guard at the gate how long the drive is, because he will smartassingly answer back that it is indeed 13 miles and not 17…….okay, whatever.

The beginning of the drive is rather boring and it is hard to believe that about 4 miles down the winding road is a gorgeous coastline and if you look on the golf course, you are almost guaranteed to see herds of tame deer on the fairways and greens.





The lone cypress is the trademark for the Pebble Beach logos.



There are actually four or more golf courses within the gates of “Pebble Beach” and the “Spanish Bay” course has a magnificent Roy’s restaurant that, although rather pricey, if you tell them it is your birthday, you can sit by the window and watch the bagpiper at sunset.

So, now we must make sure we exit properly so that we are out of the Pebble Beach gate that empties onto Ocean Avenue in Carmel-by-the-Sea.

Once on Ocean Ave., we will find many galleries and shops and restaurants.





It is the perfect street for strolling leisurely and the end of Ocean Avenue has a spectacular beach with views of Pebble Beach and the seventeen mile drive to the right:



After our leisure stroll in Carmel-by-the-Sea, we will head up to the Highland’s Inn for my favorite lunch spot. This hotel is on the outskirts of Carmel and is at the beginning of the famous Pacific Coast Highway (PCH) so, before we begin our glorious drive down the coast, we will have a lunch with a view:



Okay……..everyone go potty and WAKE UP!!! We are going to drive South on PCH about 20 miles to get to the majestic redwoods of Big Sur but the drive is almost more amazing than the destination:





Pfeiffer State Park is the best stop in Big Sur to truly enjoy the beauty. Some of the trees are over 1200 years old.





The trees in many areas are so tall that the sunlight has a difficult time peering through. The size is unimaginable…….when I see people in the distance, walking through the forest, it reminds of “Alice In Wonderland”.



A very short hike (less than 1 mile) leads to Pfeiffer Falls and I usually take a picnic basket with some wine and cheese and crackers. There is a small bench/deck area where we can relax and take in the sounds of the redwoods.





Big Sur is about 30 miles from Monterey so all of this is feasible in a short period of time.

The next vacation installment will include my most favorite get-away.

Now we will head back to my house so we can get drunk on the wines of the region and then if you wish, we can even visit some wineries tomorrow.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Oct 15 2005 12:21 PM Updated: Sat, Oct 15 2005 2:40 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Death Warmed Over
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

That is what I look like……. death, warmed over.

I went to a supposedly amazing salon today to get my hair did and I got it done stupid.

I am so pissed that I look so ridiculous. I mean, really, what was that girl thinking??

I would post a picture but I am just too embarrassed.

I was very blonde as a child and I prefer to have at least SOME blonde as an adult.

Suffice is to say, if I wanted to look “natural”, I would not be spending hundreds of dollars at the hair salon.

That stupid shit that did my hair is amazingly untalented…………….damnation.

I don’t believe I could look more mousy………..

The really stupid thing is that I believed them when they were “ooooohing” and “ahhhhing” over my new hair fuck up at the salon………………..I mean really, I was looking in that mirror and wondering how I could possibly be so wonderful.

It wasn’t until I was in my car that I realized that I had been had………..a sucker……….a dumbass.

Surely, they all knew how horrible I look.

And to think that I thought I would feel better about myself after my appointment today.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Oct 13 2005 8:33 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
YIPPEEE!!!!!!!!YIPPPEEEE!!!DANCE!!DANCE!!
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh………..Blessed Tuesday!!!!!

It finally did arrive and I have lived to tell about it.

I am so incredibly thrilled to come home to an empty guest room.

I want to run around naked all night and drink all the wine I please and then I plan to burn some sage and frankincense and perhaps even some lavender and then I may light some feng shui candles to rid this home of all the looming ick.

This was the longest two week wait in history.

I managed to keep my big mouth shut and I was respectful.

I told my dear M. this evening, whilst preparing his dinner, that two weeks was ENTIRELY too long and that one week would be suffice in the coming years. He begged to differ.

He loves his mother……poor him.

I watch “The Amazing Race” and I feel so bad for those poor sons from Brooklyn who have to endure their impossibly negative mother. M’s mother is much like that woman, but worse…..i’m not kidding.

My MIL has said that her in-laws didn’t like her because she is Italian and they are Irish but I am quite certain that they never liked her because she is impossibly impossible to please.

It reminded me of Ty on “Rock Star INXS” when he exclaimed that he was voted off because he is black……….ummm………HELLO TY!!!! You are talented but not as good as the remaining few and it was time to go…………..two words…….”Fantasia” and “Ruben”. If being black means that you cannot win a contest, how the hell did they win “American Idol“?

Ty and my MIL will probably never hear the clue phone ringing.

Okay…………time to burn the cleansing oil on my blog and it may be time for me to stop watching so much reality television.

Negativity is toxic and spreads ferociously.

I need to find the stop button.

So…………happy, happy…………dance ………..dance

I am going to post a virtual vacation soon. I have many links saved and I hope that it is as entertaining as it is in my mind. If my MIL didn’t want to go anywhere or do anything, then, by damn…….my blog friends will!!!!

I am so incredibly thankful.

I am thankful for my amazing health and I love my husband to bits and even more so now………I love that little boy inside of him.

I was thinking a lot today at work about how thankful I am that M. never wanted children so much. It would break my heart even more if I knew I was letting him down with my infertility. He adores me and is truly happy with just me. He says that we are a family………kids or not. He is my granite, my rock. I am thankful that I finally found such a wonderful man.

I am incredibly thankful for my ten freezing embryos.

In spite of my bitchiness and moans, I am thankful that we at least had a chance. In all of my four IVFs, I could have had much worse results.

I know that sounds silly because really, all that matters is an occupant for my nursery……..a live birth would have been nice……….but, by damn, we at least had a shot at it.

When I am down, I call my IVF experiences as “one big happy mind fuck” but today, I am thankful for all of my 73 eggs and 40 embryos. Thirty embryos never made it but I still hold hope for the ten in the deep freeze.

God, if You are there and You really, really, really love me………please say “YES”.

I had a dream last night and my husband said that if the next phase didn’t work, he told me that we would be parents, regardless. I had such an amazing sense of peace in that dream.

There was no LIFE OR DEATH with IVF………………imagine that.

Knowing that I would be a mother, no matter what…………..I felt complete and utter bliss.

I know that dreams are not real and I know that M. has never been able to move forward with adoption……….but………..still………………it was nice to feel that I will definitely be a mother……………..even if it was just in a dream.

So, I am thankful.

Thankful for the dream and I am also thankful, right now, for reality.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Oct 11 2005 6:49 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Coping Skills
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I am told that Tuesday will come.

There are no guarantees that I will make it that many more days, but I understand the laws of nature enough to know that a Tuesday is due in a few days.

I did regain some composure , I mean what, with my looting my MILs cigarette pack and lying to my husband, I couldn’t get much lower.

One lie leads to another lie and another lie until exponentially, I have made up for the years of never lying to my husband.

When I found myself sneaking upstairs and whispering to the spa receptionist about my appointments and I made sure that she changed my phone number on file so I didn’t have to worry about their confirmation call, I realized that I had sunk to new levels.

I mean, really. How pathetic.

When I am led to be dishonest, I am more disappointed in myself for not having the courage to speak the truth. Nothing is worth me losing my integrity.

So, I told my lovely husband about my spa seminar. I did not say anything disrespectful about his mother, I just said that I needed to have a day to myself and he told me to enjoy myself.

I had the most magnificent day yesterday and it helped me get through last night and today.

I have tried everything and am proud to say that I have managed to keep my mouth shut. I have not said anything YET that I will regret when she leaves.

I cannot even begin to describe how impossible she is to be around. The mere sound of her voice, has me cringing. I am sad to realize that I do not like her at all. She is incredibly negative and toxic.

I have even resorted to imagining her EDD (estimated death date) and figure she may have another 20 years to live and if we see her once a year, that means I will be around her about nineteen more times.

I did just come up with a plan this evening and it seems to be working brilliantly so far…….:

I imagine her as having a severe case of Alzheimer’s and I just smile sympathetically at her when she asks her unending questions.

T MINUS 4320 MINUTES AND COUNTING.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Oct 8 2005 9:04 PM Updated: Sun, Oct 9 2005 11:27 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Am Going To Hell, For Sure
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Honest to goodness, deep breathing is not helping anymore.

Yesterday, I faked a headache so that my husband could spend the day shopping in Carmel, with his mother.

I. just. couldn’t. anymore..

I was actually pleased to go to work today, even hearing of Sarra’s morning sickness woes did not penetrate the depth of my relief to be free of my mother-in-law.

I was THAT relieved to get out of my house.

I did come home tonight to the most amazing Italian dinner : gravy and macaroni (or better known as : spaghetti sauce and pasta) so I felt a little bit guilty for my ugliness.

My MIL is so negative and toxic that people actually leave her presence within three minutes of being around her. I know. I have timed it.

We went to several functions this weekend and I noticed that as soon as she opened her mouth and spoke, people suddenly had a reason to excuse themselves. She is the most amazing people repellant I have ever witnessed. She actually thinks she is being honest with her bluntness when, in fact, she is incredibly rude and negative.

I am thinking of planting the book “How To Win Friends And Influence People” in her bedroom.

T MINUS 10,080 MINUTES AND COUNTING.

That means she leaves in one week…………ohhhhhh……….wait…………….she leaves in 6.75 days……….that’s better.

So, I have purged my soul to three different very wise women about my plight and they have all told me the same thing: “keep your fucking mouth shut!.”

Apparently, time will go by and I will be happy that I didn’t say anything that caused any waves and since I only have to see her once a year, I need to bite my tongue.

Funny that she doesn’t notice my deep breaths before I speak to her.

So, since I only work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays, I just could not imagine spending the rest of every other day with her.

I. just. couldn’t. do. it..

Being the clever one that I am, I remembered that I have a seminar on Friday and “I can’t believe that I forgot about it!!!!” but it is actually a seminar ………..of the spa kind………..like a spa day type of seminar.

So, today, while I was at work, I arranged my spa day for Friday. I am booked for a day packed of facials and massages and saunas and body wraps and lunch and……………………………….
……………….ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh………………yyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss!

I am not one of these wives who lies to their husbands. As a matter of fact, I don’t believe that I have ever lied to my husband and I will be repenting as soon as his mother leaves but in the meantime, I need to save my sanity.

No husband wants to hear his wife complain about his mother.

I have a feeling that they may be suspicious when I come home looking radiant from my day at the spa……..oh well.

A girl has to do, what a girl has to do.

If I have to bite my tongue, I will bite a pretty tongue.

Bless my heart.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Oct 4 2005 7:54 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
On The Verge Of A Nervous Breakdown
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Taking deep breaths helps, sometimes.

I wish I could post a ticker clicker thingy on my blog that counted down the days until my MIL leaves, bless her heart.

I was on the phone yesterday, with my sister in South Carolina and just poured my soul out to her. I am having a very difficult time with everything right now.

I am in a funk.

This too, shall pass and when it does, I am throwing a party.

I cannot even describe how rude my MIL is……about every.little.thing……….within 10 minutes of seeing me she commented that I had gained weight and she mentions diet and food and exercise about every hour……………deep breathing is not helping.

I was going to get in the jacuzzi this morning and then she said she wanted to join me……………she is in there now, needless to say, without me. Like I am going to get in a bathing suit in front of her????? She has always been very health conscience……..well, despite her smoking non-stop…………….ahem.

By the way, I did just take a cigarette and have hidden it so I can smoke the shit out of it later.

I am in a bad way.

Humour, humour, humour………..and deep breaths……………deep, slow breaths.

My sister just sent me an email and it was just what I needed………..:

.

.

A Southerner can get away with the most
awful kind of insult just as long as it’s prefaced with the words,
“Bless her heart” or “Bless his heart.” As in, “Bless his heart, if
they put his brain on the head of a pin, it’d roll around like a BB on
a 6-lane highway.”

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling
about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because
her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent.

My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing

about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After

all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years

ago. “Can you believe it?” said her friend, “A child of mine is going

to be “taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss.”

Now, don’t get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from

the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their
friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food.
I’ve even gotten past their endless complaints that you can’t find
good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don’t
like cornbread!

We’ve already lost too much. I was raised to say “swayya,” not
swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swayya

you don’t. And I’ve caught myself thinking twice before saying

something is “right much,” “right close,” or “right good” because

non-natives think this is right funny indeed.

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it’s

hilarious when I say I’ve got to “carry” my daughter to the doctor

or “cut off” the light. She also gets a giggle every time I am “fixin”

to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don’t even know

where “over yonder” is, or what “I reckon” means! My personal

favorite was my aunt, saying, “Bless her heart, she can’t help being

ugly, but she could’ve stayed home.”

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day.

Southern girls always say:
1. “Yes, ma’am.”
2. “Yes, sir.”

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. “Y’all come back now, ya heaah.”
2. “Well, bless your heart.”
3. “Drop by when you can.”
4. “How’s your mama?”
5. “Love your hair.”

Southern girls know their three R’s:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody’s first name:
1. Honey
2. Darlin’
3. Shugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. “Gone With the Wind”
2. “Fried Green Tomatoes”
3. “Driving Miss Daisy”
4. “Steel Magnolias”

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say)
2. Richmon
3. Challston
4. S’vannah
5. Birminham
6. Nawlins’
7. Oh! and that city in Alabama? It’s pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!

Now you run along, Shugah, and send this to someone else Raised

In The South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to

be GRITS. Even the northern ones, “Bless Their Hearts”.

“Just because your children were born in the South does not make
them Southerners. After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that
wouldn’t make them biscuits.”

Save the earth. It’s the only planet with chocolate.

.

.

Deep breaths and “bless her heart”.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Oct 1 2005 10:29 AM Updated: Sat, Oct 1 2005 1:21 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Is The Golden Gate Bridge Safe?
By Julianna on IVF#4

I must have been quite impressive in a former life because I am gettin’ the ever livin’ shit kicked out of me right now.

So, I THOUGHT I could be mature.

I THOUGHT I could handle my co-worker’s unwanted pregnancy.

I THOUGHT I could rise above it.

Perhaps I was a genius in a former life and that is why I am such an idiot in this one.

Of course, OF COURSE, it has gotten down to the nitty gritty. Sarra is still very upset about being pregnant, she has been having a very difficult time not drinking and she loves her Xanax and Vicodin so forgive me, oh loving one, for being a BIT pissy today when I was expected to have a shoulder for her to cry on.

She also divulged through sobs at lunch that her ex-boyfriend is now back in the picture and she hopes he will be a better father to this child than he has been to HIS THREE OTHER ILLEGITIMATE CHILDREN.

What kind of fresh hell is this……….oh wait…………..it gets fresher……….turn up the bread warmer.

So, just after lunch I hear a woman come into the office and she wants to show the doctor her baby…….I feel bad for him as I listen to him politely talk about the baby boy and then I am horrified to see the mother and her baby and two toddlers in tow come into my room WHILE I HAD A PATIENT and she expected me to be so excited about her marvelous family.

This person happened to be a former employee who was very unhappily pregnant with her fourth child. This is the woman who couldn’t tell her husband for three months that she was pregnant because he would “be mad at her” and she was very embarrassed to tell their family because “they would all know when they had sex“.

I had to watch this woman for 8 long months of her unwanted pregnancy. Luckily, she worked in the front office and I could avoid her like the plague.

But Sarra, BUTT SARRA, works in the back office and since she is the only assistant and I am the only hygienist, well, I am fucked. Fucked indeedy.

Did I mention that I was asked to take x-rays for her patients today and to clean out the cruddy ultrasonic solution because SARRA IS PREGNANT and she needs to be careful?????

Ummmm………..isn’t Vicodin and alcohol and Xanax contraindicated for pregnancy?

Excuse the shit out of me for being self-absorbed.

I have really died and gone to hell, I just know it.

.

i only work two days a week and i work for a doctor who i finally respect so i know full well, that the prospects of “just find another job” are obsolete, especially in light of the fact that i worked for 7 different dentists when we first moved to this area until i finally found someone i admired. did i also mention that i make an assload of money those two days and my husband is as tight as a tic and i love having my own mad money? from now on, it is my pimp money because that is what i am doing, pimping myself.

pimping oneself is never, ever, ever worth it.

.

So, I get in my car after work, and I cry. I am amazed at the soul sobs that obviously need to be released.

I cry about the past four years of hell and more than anything, I cry about the dread I have to receive my final 10 frozen embryos because I know that they represent the end. The end of this life as I know it. I just don’t have any confidence that I will have the strength to stand up and breathe again on my own if my frozen embryo transfer fails. I also don’t have the strength to start 6 weeks of shots again.

I don’t know where I was when the FET memo was handed out, but I was clearly somewhere else.

I just cannot inject myself anymore ……….right now.

I still have a place on my left thigh and one just right of my belly button that remains bluish from the year of four IVF cycles.

Fuck me for having too many eggs to count and too many amazing embryos to remember that never, ever amounted to anything.

I wish I never had any eggs to retrieve OR any embryos to track the status of, if the end of this is the same as if this was the last page, then I wish I had never, ever tried so hard and believed so much that it could actually happen.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Sep 27 2005 7:24 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I’d Rather Be Pregnant
By Julianna on Wine Night Knowledge







So, on Sunday nights, we watch a local show, “In Wine Country”, and I was amazed to see the hostess is obviously pregnant with what appears to be her FOURTH child AND she is 41 years old.
http://www.nbc11.com/station/2485861/detail.html

There is nothing worse than a VERY obviously pregnant woman hosting a show about wine. I believe they need an obviously infertile woman to host that show so I will be submitting my acting resume tomorrow. I mean it.

In the meantime, I’ll settle for wine tasting and browsing vineyards.

The grapes will be harvested this week, so this was the perfect day for pictures.



Next week, they will begin the wine making process which takes a year or two.

Some of these vines are 120 years old. I had to load up the small version but if you click on a picture you can hopefully figure out how to make it larger. Some of the leaves are beautiful. That is actually how a winemaker can tell the difference between the varietals, it is the leaves.





I would never want to be a vintner. There is a lot of blood, sweat and tears and it takes years to make any
kind of profit.



I prefer to be a connoisseur, or a television anchor for “In Wine Country”.

But more than anything, I wish I was pregnant and not able to go wine tasting on a beautiful Sunday afternoon.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Sep 25 2005 9:00 PM Updated: Sun, Sep 25 2005 11:28 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Blinders On
By Julianna on Wine Night Knowledge



I am off to do some more wine tasting this afternoon and hope to get some awesome digital pictures to post because the grapes are just gorgeous right now.

I went to a tasting party last night and 8 of us tasted six different wines. The labels were covered and we graded each one on various levels - and it was only in the end that we shared our observations as to not influence each other in the tasting process.

Amazingly, ALL of us picked this VERY affordable Cabernet as our #1 choice:


I saw internet prices from $7.99 a bottle! I think that it can be found rather easily. Make sure it is 2002 and Cellar’s Choice BV Coastal Cabernet. http://www.madwine.com/bvcocasa20.html
http://www.67wine.com/152208

I am guessing that it is peaking about now, so it needs to be drunk (love that word here) soon.

It was absolutely lovely.

I hope to add more wine stories later this evening.

Have a nice day.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Sep 25 2005 12:51 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
At The Risk Of Being Rude,
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I am having a difficult time with cultural differences.

My mother-in-law is coming in a few days for two weeks. TWOOOOOO WEEEEEEEKKKKKKSSSSSSS.

My guest room has been put to good use this month, what, with my friend from Los Angeles at the beginning of the month and then my mother just left last week and now, the room has been turned over yet again with downy filled clean sheets and welcome gifts (French soaps, body lotion and a lavender wand and homemade lavender sachet with a welcome note).

I really do enjoy company and I especially love going and doing. I love to travel and this area of the country is particularly lovely and filled with interesting places to visit.

My MIL is Italian, from Boston and my husband is her only child and he was the only grandchild - no nieces or nephews. I completely understand that my MIL only wants to see her son. She adores him and hell, so do I, but I am finding myself dreading her visit for the first time ever.

My MIL compares everything to Boston and nothing else impresses her. She is very honest and doesn’t sugar coat anything and although I appreciate that, there is a lot of negativity in the air when she is here. Even down to the weather, “it’s so hot” - “it’s so cold” - “when is the weather going to get better” as if I am a fucking weather station. We live in the most amazing area for GREAT weather and yet, she complains.

If I ask her what she wants to do, she says “nothing“. If she is sitting here, she is bored. If I take her somewhere, she finds something to be negative about. Sure, she’ll say it is nice or whatever but that is soon followed by a criticism.

Last time she was here, we went hiking at this beautiful park in Big Sur full of amazing redwood trees and once we got to a lookout area, she started saying how it wasn’t that great and she expected more and a hippie dude actually was telling his girlfriend about how sad it is that some people are so negative in this world. My MIL heard the conversation and told him to go to hell. I found it interesting that she was that obvious and I also felt justified for having my own negative feelings about her negative feelings.

When we got married, she stated over and over about how hot it was there - it was May, in St. Augustine, and the highs were 80 degrees with very cool evenings. When my amazing Aunt (who lives in the area) asked my MIL to please come back and visit and how lovely it was to meet her, my MIL said “I’m never coming back here!”……….she just lacks the social graces that I am used to. Like my Aunt said, even if a southerner does not plan on re-visiting an area, they would just fib a little as to not offend.

When I ask my mother something that she doesn’t understand or didn’t hear, her reply is either “beg your pardon?” or “excuse me?“. When my MIL wants me to repeat something, her reply is “WAAAAAATTT” with a very thick Boston accent.

For me, a northern accent just has a certain edginess and a southern accent tends to soften harshness.

Granted, both can be equally annoying.

I am quite certain that I am offending people right now and even my southern accent is not softening any of the blow.

I saw a story about the Red Sox on the Discovery Channel not too long ago and a man explained that Bostonians are Puritans and therefore, inherently negative. I don’t know what that means but I took it that they are used to bad beats and therefore aren’t naively optimistic.

My FIL passed away long before I ever met my husband. He was Irish and apparently, it is not good when an Irish marries an Italian in the North, because my MIL says that his family never cared for her much because she was Italian.

My MIL used to put pressure on M. to bring home an Italian……..that he should marry an Italian etc….

Funny that.

Good thing that he waited to get married in his forties, by that time, she was just glad to be getting any kind of DIL.

She adores me. At least I am arrogant enough to believe she does.

I know that it is an issue for her that I am not Catholic.

I have always said how much I like my MIL and that I really enjoy her but suddenly, I am filled with a bit of dread.

I wish I had some coping skills and leaving is not an option.

My husband is very negative and I find it to be a complete drag. He finds me to be naively optimistic and rather Pollyannaish. He says he is “pragmatic“. WHATEVAH

I just need some advise on how to deal with the “pragmaticism” that is getting ready to fill every crevice of my house.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Sep 23 2005 2:30 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Several Things
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

1. Why in the hell am I getting deluged suddenly with horrendous spam on my blog (former and current)? It is cramming my mailbox and I am ohhhh so irritated. Perhaps I will get my genius physicist PhD/computer science MS husband to figure out how to slap back and ruin offending computers. I just asked……he said “no“. See, the thing is, I KNOW he could devise such a plan…………okay………..hold up…………right now, this very second he is quoting to me about what PIE is……..ummmmm PI………3.1415926571 ……….those are the first set of digits and apparently it goes on forever…………BLAH…..BLAH…..BLAH………..I operate on a need-to-know basis and I have never, Ever, EVER needed to know about the “e”less pi. Geez. By now he could have made progress with my brilliant spam protecting idea. ………………. Right now……….I am irritating him by pretending to try to memorize the stupid PI number and I am intentionally saying it wrong…………sending him over the edge I tell ya……………..driving him bonkers………..the joys of being married to a geek.

For some reason, he gets a lot of speeding tickets (my father says it is because he is from Boston and Bostonians are notorious aggressive drivers)…… anyway, here in California, you can take an online traffic school thing so it doesn’t affect your driving record……………my genius husband had motivation there for tweaking computer things………….that’s all I’m sayin’…………..yes, it can be done.

2. I am accumulating links for my virtual vacation and it should be ready in about a year…………damn computers and pictures and links and crap and me.

3. I heard a fable today and for some reason, it touched me deeply. I met a woman who is from Poland (the only reason that is even remotely relevant is because it may be a common story in that country and I may be botching it up completely). There were two villages that fought a horrendous battle and finally one village won. The King of the battle ordered his soldiers to go to the losing tribe and demand all of their goods. The soldiers left and returned with nothing. The King asked why they were empty handed and the soldiers replied that the women and children were crying and hysterical and saying that they had absolutely nothing to give………everything was gone. The King ordered them to return and take everything that was hidden and the soldiers returned with many goods. The King ordered the soldiers to return again and again, the soldiers found the women and children crying about how now, of course, they had absolutely nothing. The soldiers ignored their cries and scavenged many more goods and returned them to their King. The King was pleased and again ordered his soldiers to return to the other village. This time, the villagers were laughing ……….no one was crying. The soldiers were taken aback and returned to their King and said that the villagers were laughing and seemed happy and then the King told them that there was no need to return because “now, we know they have nothing because they are no longer crying“.

So, anyway, it got me to thinking that if I do end up with nothing, I hope that at least, I end up laughing out loud.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Sep 21 2005 11:00 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Bush Whacker
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

I would blog about my magnificent time with my sweet, sweet mother but it even exhausts me to think of everything that we did this past week. I was going to post about where we went but I gave up after searching for two of the fifty links. It is exhausting to even blog about………

I can simply say that we saw everything within a 300 mile radius in a little over a week. I want to blog some day about my ideal California trip that can be accomplished in less than 5 days, perhaps 4 days. It includes Pebble Beach and the famous 17 mile drive and Carmel-By-The-Sea and Big Sur and Pacific Coast Highway from Carmel to Moonstone Beach Drive in Cambria that is near the Hearst Castle and within 20 miles of the most amazing wineries in Paso Robles. I even took my sweet mother to San Francisco for 3 days and we took a boat ride to Sausalito for an unforgettable lunch. In a week, one can accomplish much.

For some reason, my lovely husband had to be in Bordeaux, France for a business meeting…….hmmmm……if I was more clever, I may be suspicious but hence, I am not. My mother did question the timing of his trip. The two of them never saw each other.

So, my mother was put on her plane to South Carolina and my husband arrived a mere 3 hours later from Europe.

I am exhausted but not too tired to trim my annoying pubic region.

I will only state that I was a bit aggressive with the little battery operated hair trimmer and I will be forever regretful in about 3 days time.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Sep 18 2005 11:09 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Postcard
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

My sweet mother is here, with me, in my house!

She has never been to California so we have a lot of places to go and wineries to see.

I will be away for the rest of the week. I hope I come back to lots of good news in the blog world.

We are having a blast, wish you were here.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Sep 11 2005 11:43 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Potty Break
By Julianna on IVF#4

Setting: Sterilization/laboratory room of a dental office

Characters:
Sarra: 24 year old dental assistant who finally broke up with her loser boyfriend last month
Julianna: ummmmmmmmmmmm…….that would be me

Scene One: Julianna enters sterilization room and notices that Sarra has been crying.

Julianna: “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Sarra: “No. I’m awful. I just found out that I am pregnant.”

Julianna:“Can I have it? I’m so sorry Sarra. I know this is the last thing that you need.”

Sarra: “I am just completely devastated………I don’t know what I am going to do.”

Julianna: “I am so sorry”

Sarra was not herself all day and made her way into the restroom as often as she could to let a good cry out.
Julianna was not herself all day and wanted to make her way to her car and run away.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Sep 7 2005 9:06 AM Updated: Fri, Sep 23 2005 3:39 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Toupees
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

So…… my very, very cool and funny girlfriend left last night and now I gear up for my mothers arrival on Saturday. She has never been to California and is not one to get on a plane. My mother behaves like Melanie on “Gone With The Wind”.

My mother-in-law is then coming for two weeks at the end of the month. Now, she is a kick. She is from Boston and very, very opinionated, unlike me.

All of this almost makes me forget that I have got some embryos waiting for a pick up.

So, my girlfriend is a SCRABBLE champion, she particularly likes placing tiles when several words are formed and of course, she is a master at the triple letter and triple word squares. She is also very clever about placing vulgar, yet acceptable words on the board. If it is in the SCRABBLE dictionary, it is good. Her goal is to run a bunch of vulgar words like “damn”, “bitch”, “penis”, “shit”, “ass”……..you get the picture.

I am pleased to announce that I kicked her vulgar ass for the final game with a 49 point lead, thanks to the 50 point bonus for using all seven tiles.

After playing so many games with my friend this weekend, I am forever ruined of playing with anyone else.

Unless, of course, my mother or mother-in-law start to get on my little nerves.

Hey, if it’s in the SCRABBLE dictionary, it’s good.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Sep 6 2005 10:19 AM Updated: Fri, Sep 23 2005 3:39 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Love The U.S.A.
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Now is the perfect time to take me off of your blogrolls and favorites list.

I am a Republican.

I like George W. Bush.

I am in favor of the war in Iraq.

Why is it okay for people to freely bash the United States but so few of us defend or agree publicly with what is going on?

Personally, I think it is easy to sit at a computer and be a world renowned know-it-all.

Why do I not read or hear about the genocide and atrocities that occurred in Iraq before the war? WARNING!!! VERY DISTURBING PHOTOS!!!! http://www.kdp.pp.se/chemical.html

I went to the “Museum Of Tolerance” several years ago, in Los Angeles. I remember experiencing the history of WW II and the theme was to never let history repeat itself again. Bleeding heart liberals go to the Simon Wiesenthal Museum and are passionate and COMpassionate………….yet, when they see history repeating itself with Saddam at the helm, they choose to ignore those atrocities. Why is it okay for Saddam to torture and maim and spread evil and not Hitler? Why is it okay to hate George W. Bush more than Saddam Hussein?

As I have stated before, I come from a family of Democrats and one of my closest relatives is a Senior Member of the House of Rep*resentatives, and, he is a Democrat. I have campaigned for him since I was in high school and I have seen, for more years than I care to remember, how hard he works for his district. I have been in his dining room on Sundays, with his phone ringing because of people calling during Sunday dinner for favors.
However, I am in agreement with the Republican party and not the Democratic party.

It continues to amaze me how many people spew their political revelations with such arrogance.

I suppose that I could be accused of the same thing right now.

This IS my journal, MY story, MY feelings, so I can type whatever I want.

There is a line that I feel comfortable with and I know that it is best to not talk politics. However, HOWEVER, I am a passionate woman with intense opinions and I cannot just zip my lip for the sake of peace.

I have yet to read a blog where any of these bashers have actually been involved with politics. If one is so inclined and passionate about making a change, having a better idea, a better vision, …………..then get out there and make a difference and try to run for a political office that offers some power to make a change. The reality of running for a powerful political office and becoming actively involved is enormous and daunting. I respect EVERYONE who is actively involved in politics and the political process.

There are a few scant news stations that are unbiased.

There is a natural disaster that is occurring in my beloved country and I read/see 10% pride and 90% disgust with our government.

.

I have been on the other side of disaster. In 1994, a massive earthquake devastated me. I had just bought my first home (condominium) and I was researching home owner’s insurance companies when the earthquake devastated my new home.

.

I was so happy and grateful to be alive and I was amazed and humbled at the lack of loss of life. Truly, I did not care about my financial devastation.

I had saved my entire adult life to buy a home on my own and within a few months of my dream, the massive Northridge earthquake hit.

I had nothing.

I had no home.

I had no food or water.

I was 3,000 miles away from the rest of my family.

I was completely alone with my little puppy Chelsea.

I sat in a FEMA line for a complete day, for over EIGHT - 8 hours and I registered and I gave all of my information and I begged for help, a hand-out………….anything.

The American Red Cross was there, while I was in line, and they were handing out peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

I will never forget being so hungry and thus, being so eternally grateful for that peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I shared it with my shivering puppy, Chelsea.

For over three months, THREE MONTHS, I lived with friends,…………with my dog (most of my friends lived in a “no pets” area and still let me live with them until I could get my feet on the ground).

FEMA came to my home and gave me immediate money for my needs. The Small Business Administration (SBA) gave me a 3% loan immediately.

Immediately = As Soon As Possible.

.

It probably took 2 weeks until I finally got some relief.

It is unreasonable to expect immediate relief. Immediate relief = within the next day.

.

Where else in the world does the government pay you when a natural disaster occurs?

.

Since when it is the President’s fault that a natural disaster occurs?

.

I never blamed the government or the President when I was in such dire straights. I did, however, see many, MANY people blame outside sources for their plight during that time.

.

It was my fault that I did not insure my household goods. No one owed me anything because I chose to not insure my valuables and I was so awed by the generosity of my country.

That is what made me a Republican.

.

Since the devastation in the Gulf Of Mexico, the United States has been clear about their need for help, their grateful appreciation for help, and their acceptance of any and all offered contributions from all outside sources.

.

How is that I am now reading about how arrogant America and American’s are in their snubbing of disaster aid? IT IS NOT TRUE. Everything that I am seeing, reading and hearing is that we need help and are eternally grateful for the support of other countries.

Millions of people are devastated by this natural disaster……….NATURAL DISASTER.

I truly believe that America and Americans and the world are doing the best that they can right now, under the circumstances.

It is a sad, sad situation.

Most Americans are not sitting around laughing and picking their nose……………everyone who is willing, is trying to help in whatever way possible.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Sep 1 2005 4:15 PM Updated: Sun, Sep 4 2005 11:29 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Wax In My Ears
By Julianna on IVF#4

My dream of having a baby has been the axis on which the rest of my world rotates. For the past four years, everything in my life has been running circles around the deep middle spinning wheel of my fertility (or lack thereof).

My infertility has become so ingrained, so a part of every fiber of my being, that I haven’t even been noticing its ruling power or its effects on me and my relationships.

I saw Kathy Griffin’s show on Bravo one night and she was asked several times about when was she going to start a family and her response was, “what?! have you ever seen how selfish a baby is? why would I want that?! no thank you!!” and she laughs and doesn’t seem fazed in the least by that question.

My guess is that she really doesn’t want children and then I thought how wonderful for her, how freeing. Those baby questions probably really, never bother her like they do someone like me.

Wanting a child is so completely out of my control, and yet I have been extremely persistent and stubborn in trying to make it happen.

I know it is because I have frozen embryos, and the fat lady has not sung yet, and I still have hope, but damn, I am so very tired of being ruled by my elusive desire to have a family.

I remember when I had to finally succumb to my first IUI and how involved all of that seemed and then how after about 5 or 6 of those, I then couldn’t imagine going to IVF “the nuclear bomb” and I remember how positive I was that my first IVF was going to work because “life would suck huge donkey balls* if I had to go through all of that and it not work“. Fast forward to IVF#4 failing and indeed, “life has been sucking big, huge, fat, juicy donkey balls“.

Sometimes the answer is “no“.

Sometimes the answer is “hell no“.

Sometimes the answer is “shit no”, “fuck no”, “hell to the no”, “go away no“.

And then, sometimes the answer is, “I’m not even paying attention to you anymore no“.

.

My husband and I have an outdoor gazebo that encloses a magnificent jacuzzi. The jacuzzi seats about eight and has different seats with different jets for different ailments etc…

We have had the jacuzzi for two years and have never been able to fully enjoy it until yesterday (we have had it empty for the past 2 months). We finally put the temperature up to 102 degrees and we stayed in there for the full 20 minutes without thinking once about sperm samples, ovaries, or embryos.

I told M. while I was sipping on my water and jumping from seat to seat that I was enjoying the freedom and that I hadn’t realized how much we had let our procedures interfere with even the smallest of details such as water temperatures.

Things I have been hyper-conscious of for the past four years:

:: Calendars and dates and schedules and therefore never making plans in advance - ever.
:: Caffeine limited to only one cup of coffee in the morning
:: Alcohol and smoking and every other vile sinful thing
:: Vitamins and Aspirin
:: Calendars and dates and schedules
:: Dates and schedules and calendars
:: Schedules and calendars and dates
:: Dates
:: Calendars
:: Schedules

Infertility rules ones life if you are actively trying to cure yourself.

I told M. while I was seat hopping and splashing around yesterday morning, that I just wanted to get one of those little college dorm freezers and move the ten embryos in the nursery room and be done with it.

I like it right now, where I am.

I will have company almost the entire month of September. I can plan excursions and decide on trips without having to think of my ovaries or my cycle or doctors or appointments. What a concept.

My family in South Carolina has planned Christmas in Hawaii this year and I have been uncommitted because of dates and calendars and possible procedures. I called my sister today and told her that M. and I were going to be with everyone this Christmas, in Hawaii. To hell with it.

I can’t keep stopping and stalling everything in my life. It actually makes the pain of failure hurt worse when I think of all that I have done and given up and sacrificed for the agony of defeat.

If I ever get pregnant, the four years of hell and planning will be but a faded memory. However, HOWEVER, if I don’t get pregnant, all of this will have sucked big, huge, massive, hemmorhoidic donkey balls.

It’s time for me to grab the bull by the horns and the donkey by the balls and get on with the fun of life.

I have always said that it takes ten times the energy to be happy than it does to be unhappy, that is why so few people are truly happy. I need to start putting the energy into my happy pie of life and see how it expands.

The answer may be “no” right now but that doesn’t mean that I have to keep wallowing in it.

I can hear fine, it’s time for me to start paying attention and plan accordingly.

.

.

*TM Emily : )




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Aug 29 2005 8:39 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Not A Good Name For A Baby Girl
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

My thoughts are with those in Katrina’s path.

I know from experience that the aftermath of a hurricane lasts years and even decades. Hurricane Hugo struck the coast of Charleston, South Carolina in 1989 and was a strong Category IV that was, and still is, the largest and strongest hurricane to hit the East coast of the United States.

Anyone who visits Charleston, will still hear of the storm and it’s devastation. Tour guides will point out the rare 100 plus year old moss covered oak trees and will explain how many of these beauties were uprooted. They will point to storm surge water lines that are still visible on many buildings. Charleston has never been the same.

New Orleans is looking at a much worse fate.

Their fate will be determined in about twelve hours.

God Speed.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Aug 28 2005 7:24 AM Updated: Fri, Sep 23 2005 3:39 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Waiting For The End
By Julianna on IVF#4

I think I am going to wait another month for my FET.

I am just starting to feel like I am amoung the living and the thought of starting my FET protocol next week is just too daunting for me.

M. wants me to wait as long as I want. He says he has paid freezer rent for a year and we have nothing to lose by waiting until I am ready.

The real truth is that I want to wait as long as I can because I am not ready to be at the end of this road.

I have a huge, massive, life-changing fork up ahead and I’d rather park my car right now than find out what lies ahead for me.

I know that whatever thaws of the ten, will be transferred. I am very thankful that I am going to a clinic that is very aggressive. I cannot imagine thawing two at a time for however many months to find out if we will have a family.

I will be having company in and out the entire month of September. A dear friend is coming from L.A. the first week, my sweet mother is coming from South Carolina for 10 days the next week and my lovely MIL is coming from Boston, for the last 2 weeks of the month.

I definitely don’t want to be on twice daily lupron injections whilst touring around the state. I don’t want to have to deal with lupron headaches. I don’t want to be self-consumed with my infertility while I have guests.

The real truth is that I would want to wait even if I didn’t have a good September excuse.

I would rather live in the limbo of Hope than know my fate.

Perhaps, I will keep our embryos frozen forever.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Aug 19 2005 3:28 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
One, Of Two Things……..
By Julianna on IVF#4

Either the world is full of idiots, or I am a raging bitch. One, of the two.

I wish I could be more like my mother. My sweet, sweet mother who never says a bad thing about anybody and who really, truly believes in her heart that no one ever meant to say a bad thing about anyone, ever. It must be nice to live like that.

.

Knock, Knock on my door yesterday after a hard day’s work and it is my neighbor. Now, I must tell a little tale of said neighbor before I get into why it irked me that this particular neighbor was at my stoop.

M. and I moved here about 3 years ago and said next door neighbors came out of their home, not to greet me, but to scream about the size of the moving truck in the cul-de-sac. There was, indeed, a moving truck from a well-known moving company in the cul-de-sac which housed our furniture as well as the furniture of two other homes (but isn’t this usually the case? did they have a helicopter fly their belongings in when they moved into their house?). Said neighbors threatened to call the police and well,……….. they pretty much had a full on rant at the state of affairs of a moving truck in the cul-de-sac.

Me, being the pussy that I am, hid in a downstairs bathroom with my cell phone and called my husband who happened to be at work and I sobbed hysterically about the nightmare neighbors and their demands of having the moving truck relocated. My lovely husband, being what he is (a natural born, raging bastard) told me to not fret and that he was actually quite pleased because he would bet any amount of money that said neighbors would be “perfect!” because he surmised (correctly) that they would be extremely quiet people.

The moving company driver fetched me from the bathroom and told me that I must, MUST, go make amends with my neighbors. They were his worst nightmare and were threatening to call the police by now. The sweet driver helped to calm me down and I finally got some chutzpah and went over to their house. There is a large window near the front door and I could see them sitting in their living room as they watched me ringing their doorbell. Their little shit dog barked and barked while I rang the doorbell and they sat and sat on their sofas and never budged. They simply watched me watching them.

They never came to the door.

They are an elderly couple and have, indeed, been very, very quiet.

So, now you know why I hated to see said neighbor at my front door.

Said Mrs. told me that our hedges were more than 4 feet high and didn’t I notice how “scraggly looking” the shrubs were and the CC&Rs* clearly state that shrubs be no more than 4 feet high“.

Me, being the clever person that I am, noticed that the houses across the cul-de-sac had enormous hedges between the lots.

I said: “Wow! Look over there!!!! They are clearly in violation of the CC&Rs across the way!”

Neighbor said: “You need to read the CC&Rs, their hedges do not interfere with any house seeing the street and your hedges are impending our view of the street.”

Me: “So, the CC&Rs actually state that no hedge shall be 4 feet in height if that hedge impedes on the view of a street?!!?”

Neighbor: “Yes. You need to read the CC&Rs.”

Me: “I have to tell you. I’m not a reader. I can honestly tell you that the CC&Rs are the last thing that I would open, much less read.”

I then promised my crazy neighbor that I would get my gardeners to trim the hedges so they could see the street/cul-de-sac.

So, my gardeners came today and trimmed the hedges.

The bitch in me wanted to tell my neighbor to go fuck herself and then slam the door. Better yet, I should have just simply sat in my living room where she could see me. I could have just watched her ringing my doorbell and never budged. I could have watched her as I sat on my sofa and waited for her to. simply. just. go. away..

Instead, I was polite enough and trimmed the hedges.

.

TBW wants to know what my schedule is for my FET because she is going to my doctor (2 hours away and she could choose any RE doctor in California and she is going to MY doctor) ………….anyway, she wants to do IVF, well, she really doesn’t want to do IVF or have any children or be pregnant but she wants to know what my FET schedule is so she can start her IVF because that is the cool thing to do now-a-days.

Did I mention that TBW was turned down by a Social Worker for adoption because she is a lunatic? Did I ever mention that TBW has no friends??? Did I ever mention that TBW drives me friggin’ crazy???????

I have a theory………………………….I really don’t believe it is possible to dislike someone intensely without it being reciprocal. In other words, I don’t think it is possible for TBW to like me in the least.

So…………The Bosses Wife wants me to start my FET right away so she will be more on track with her IVF that she doesn’t want to get pregnant with………………………………

I’m not kidding.

I cannot make this shit up.

TBW wants me to hurry up with my FET so she can go ahead with her IVF that she doesn’t want to succeed because she doesn’t want children and she doesn’t want to get “fat” and she “can’t imagine ever being a mother“.

Does that bitch really think that I am going to arrange my precious FET because of her???!!!

I AM LIVID.

L.I.V.I.D.

My husband is out of town all week and I just talked to him on the phone and told him about everything that has been happening.

He said to trim the hedges and fuck TBW. Truly, he could care less about TBW.

I wish I could be more like my husband and not give a shit about the assholes of the world.

Better yet, I wish that I could mix my mother with my husband………………..I wish that I could project beauty and kindness onto everyone in the world and I wish that I could tell everyone else that permeated into ugliness to go fuck themselves.

.

.

*CC&R = Covenants, Codes and Restrictions of a given neighborhood




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Aug 17 2005 11:05 AM Updated: Wed, Aug 17 2005 11:27 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Won!!!! I Won!!!!! puff puff
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

So, there is this brilliant guy named Simon, who lives in the U.K. and he is a talented artist as well as an amazing writer and he also happens to be VERY handsome. I came upon his blog via my U.K. friends and he has this cool caption contest. In my hazed, dream state, I submitted an entry for his contest and I won (for the second time, I must brag)!

I absolutely love, Adore, SAVOR, British humor (humour).

So, if anyone would like a go, Simon has a new caption contest now.

On another note, I’m feeling much better lately. I haven’t taken a nap in 3 days!

My husband still thinks that we should wait a month before I begin the FET regime.

Since this is my secret journal, I have a confession…….:

I LOVE, ADORE, MISS, ACHE for a nightly cigarette.

My lovely M. is completely opposed to smoking and actually said that if I smoked when we first dated, he would never have gone out with me again. I quit smoking about 10 years ago and then began again for a short while until I realized how much I absolutely enjoy a nice evening cigarette. I just don’t have the control to stop, so I have to abstain. I have had to quit smoking altogether.

Well, for whatever reason, I have been really, really, really missing smoking. I bought some Merit Ultra Lights and smoked (sneaked) half a pack in 2 weeks and then I ruined the rest of the pack by soaking them in water after Peter Jennings died of lung cancer.

There is the angel/devil dilemma.

If I can smoke a half a pack in two weeks (a pack a month), then what is the harm?

If I know that is so bad for me, why am I doing this?

Well, I don’t have any answers.

I enjoy a cigarette like I enjoy a hot brownie fresh out of the oven.

So, I got my hair done in Carmel a few days ago and there was this awesome smoke shop next door. I went in there after my hair-do and they had these amazing ladies vanilla mini cigars. Y.U.M.M.Y..

In my mind, cigars are healthier than cigarettes because I don’t inhale. I CAN’T inhale. I know that if I inhale a cigar, I will get sick.

So, I smoked one of my lovely vanilla cigarellas the other night while I watched the star bright sky on our balcony, as M. was in his office. I lit another this morning after my morning cappuccino, but then I got paranoid and thought that I heard M. coming downstairs, so I put out the little cigar and set it in a secret place on the balcony rail.

Is there some reason that M. decided that today was the day to sweep and clean and organize the back yard area? Of course he saw my little mini-cigar and asked what the hell that was and I had to tell him the truth because I am an awful liar.

I said, “that is a delicious vanilla mini-cigar that I got the other day“.

He said, “are you fucking kidding me?”.

I said, “no, it really is delicious.”.

I have 8 more mini-cigars left in the adorable little tin.

I feel like a delinquent teenager sneaking outside in the evening for a smoke.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Aug 14 2005 11:47 AM Updated: Mon, Aug 15 2005 9:42 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Healthy As A Horse…..
By Julianna on IVF#4

……Sicker Than A Dog.

Well, I’m not actually sick, as much as sleepy. Lord knows, I can sleep.

I’ve always been a good sleeper but damn, this is ridiculous.

I went back to my doctor and got more blood work done and it all came back “beautiful”, “perfect“. Even my thyroid was good (TSH - 1.75 and T4 - 0.85).

This is becoming a theme in my life. Everyone in my family wears glasses. I get my eyes checked every year and all I hear is 20/20 - “perfect“! Both of my sisters are on synthroid and half of my family has pernicious anemia……………….ME???????? - perfect!.

It’s like with my fertility (or lack thereof). Every test is “PERFECT!”, “wonderful“, “beautiful” and yet I suffer an invisible illness.

In four years, we have spent close to $100,000 on infertility treatments (out of pocket expenses). This includes all of the IUIs and IVFs and lab work and medications. We have 10 embryos in the deep freeze to account for all our efforts. So, it comes down to ten, $10,000.00 embryos.

So, while I have this invisible illness, we are holding off on my FET.

Who the hell knew that a FET involves 6 weeks of medications and shots and patches and pills. Damnation.

I just thought they unfroze them and put them in mid-cycle but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO……….I am to be on BCPs and lupron shots (which I fucking hate because of the massive headaches I get and I have to do this for FOUR weeks - TWO times a day) and then I am on some kind of estrogen patch and then the intramuscular injection of PIO which I have never had to do before - I have always had the lovely suppositories.

My husband thinks that I am ill………….mentally.

If I were still seeing my psychologist, I imagine him saying that I am sleeping so much as an escape and perhaps I am putting off the inevitable……….putting off the pain of failure if this final attempt does not work.

To him, I would say, “HORSE SHIT!” because I don’t like him but then I would go home and wonder.

In the end, it doesn’t matter if it is in my head or real.

Why is it okay to have a headache, but not okay to have a heartache? I am the first to admit that I am neurotic. I am sensitive to my surroundings and when I was younger, that even meant agoraphobia. I have struggled and fought and beat most of my demons but I also respect them. Sometimes, I can’t put my finger on what is wrong but I just have to trust that something is wrong when I don’t feel right. Just because no one can verify my feelings, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. If I went to the doctor and a test finally revealed something tangible, then, THEN, I would be validated. In the meantime, I will allow the blame for my fatigue on my psychology verses my physiology. For me, they are equally important.

Perhaps, I am just scared.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Aug 13 2005 5:57 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
That Which Doesn’t Kill Me…..
By Julianna on IVF#4

………..almost kills me.

Well, first off, I almost killed one of my dinner guests…………with the neck bones from my duck.

I know, I shouldn’t have let the neck simmer all day in my pot…..what is it? Roux/Rue/Roo…….Anyway, it should be called gravy or stew or stock, I think Emeril just likes to sound fancy with his “roux”.

So, I remember my grandmother adding the neck bone to her chicken bog (recipe will be added later) and she always said the neck bone meat gave good flavor to the stock (not roux) and she would pull it out after the chicken was cooked. So, when I saw that duck neck, well, hell, it looked like it would have some good flavor to it and I thought that I would just pull it out later.

I didn’t know that when you simmer duck in it’s roux for four hours or more, the itty bitty neck bones all fall apart and suddenly, there is no more neck to be scooped.

When one guest in particular got most of the spine pieces, he asked if I was trying to kill him.

Dinner was delicious all thanks to Emeril because I hadn’t a clue what I was doing. I also made his bar-b-que shrimp and baby rosemary biscuits and that was a huge hit as well.

Now, if anyone is paying attention, I have noted many times that I am tired and I need a rest. Well, I have been walking three miles a day and still not feeling well. I took my blood pressure and it was 95/59 and I have truly been sleeping my life away. I wake late and then around 2:00, I am tired so I take a nap for about…….oh,,,,,,,,three or four hours and then wake for dinner and my walk and then go back to bed. My belly is still rather swollen and in spite of my Gatorade intake, I am constantly thirsty.

So, I did a bit of a search on the internet and kept reading about OHSS (ovarian hyperstimulation) and after printing a certain article, I phoned my local OB/GYN and told his nurse that I was not feeling well and that I was quite certain that I had OHSS.

I have no insurance coverage for infertility, so had I gone to my IVF doctor TWO HOURS AWAY, I would have had to pay cash for any and all lab work and ultrasounds…………so, being that I am clever, I knew I needed to go to my local doctor so that I only had to pay a $20.00 co-pay.

I love my OB/GYN. I think he loves me too but I often think that of others.

He called me and said he needed to do an ultrasound to see if I had cysts on my ovaries and I told him the blood work that was indicated so they squeezed me in the afternoon.

The nurse couldn’t get a blood pressure and I told her not to worry because I was most certain that I was alive. Another nurse came in to take my BP and she got a 94/ 60 and said that was within normal.

I went into the exam room and when Dr. Local came into the room I handed him my printed literature on OHSS and the tests indicated and the symptoms that concerned me and he held my folded papers for a second and then handed them back to me and said he needed to see the ultrasound first.

So, lights were dimmed and my ovaries were twice their normal size and I only had about 4 cc’s of fluid in my fat abdomen and he commented on how beautiful my ovaries looked with all of their antral follicles…………

“yeah, too bad they are all for naught……….pity they couldn’t amount to anything” I said.

So, Dr. Local said that my findings were normal for having 31 eggs three weeks ago and he said that although my BP was low, it was okay…………….he sent me to the hospital to have 3 vials of blood drawn from my list of requested tests.

I got a phone call this afternoon that all of my lab tests were normal and so everything looks fine.

He told me to take some advil if I am not feeling well and get this……………..he told ME to drink some wine!!!

I totally heart my doctor!

So, I’m not dying of OHSS.

I just knew that my follicles had filled up with blood and all that blood coagulated and made my entire venous system sluggish and I imagined strokes and then of course, ultimately, death.

Oh, well.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Aug 9 2005 11:56 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Because I’m An Idiot, That’s Why
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Can’t type much as I am covered in duck guts.

Today is my husband’s birthday so I told him I would make him whatever he wants for dinner. He travels a lot and loves to be home and he especially loves when I cook for him.

I have been watching the Food Network so much, hell, I am even organizing a neighborhood Iron Chef contest. I love Paula’s Home Cookin’ and Emeril Live so, many times, my husband is stuck watching the end of the shows with me.

A few nights ago, Emeril was cooking for one of his chef friends and it was a braised duck and wild mushroom gumbo. Apparently, this is one of the most popular dishes in Emeril’s New Orleans restaurant.

I’ve never tasted gumbo, never even seen it for that matter. My husband assumes like most people that if you are from the South, you have tried all things southern. Gumbo is more a Louisiana dish and I even called my mother and asked her if she had ever had gumbo - her answer was “why, no, I don’t believe I have“.

So, you know where I am going with this……….

Birthday Boy: “You’ll make anything? anything I want?”

Me: “Yep.”

Birthday Boy: “I want the dish I saw on tv the other night.”

Me: “no problem……one gumbo coming at ya……”

Cut to:Julianna in store with recipe in hand needing many things due to lack of anything gumbo in the home. The final ingredient was to get the duck. No duck. Finally find a frozen duck at the third grocery store.

Gumbo = not fun.

Thawed duck yesterday and all night. Look at whole duck this morning and realize I have never cut up a chicken, much less a duck.

Go to internet. Find website about Peking Duck that explains how to cut up the duck.

Cut to: almost two hours later and Julianna is still over sink with unrecognizable meat carcass and pieces.

I never saw a thigh. Perhaps the reason my legs are so fat at the top is because I grabbed some thigh meat when I bent and snapped and pulled and twisted and cracked the stubborn legs from the asshole duck. I am no rocket scientist, but I assume if he had legs, the duck had to have had some thighs.

We are having duck pieces now in the duck gumbo.

Did I mention that two other couples are coming over for dinner?

I am cooking for six.

I need to get them drunk………….wine, wine wine……………..

Hell, I need to get drunk.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Aug 7 2005 4:07 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Amanda Is Pregnant
By Julianna on IVF#4

So, Amanda and I have been IVF soul mates for the past year.

A year is a very, very long time to be actively involved with IVFs.

We have both been trying to have a baby for four years.

Four years is a very long time to try to get pregnant.

Four years.

Amanda and her husband have male factor infertility so IVF should have been the cure and yet she had to suffer through a hellacious year of disappointments.

There are so many people who are getting good news right now and at the risk of leaving someone out, I will not mention names. There are also some who have received bad news so times like these, can really make a negative suck ten fold. I have definitely noticed trends in the blog world - good/happy and then sad/tragic. This is the first time that one of my IVFs has been during a great trend. Superstitiously and selfishly, I hope that this means good things for my frozen embryos. I am so eternally grateful for my 10 frozen embryos and I almost want to keep them in the deep freeze forever so that I can hold onto hope. I will be devastated for a while if my FET fails. I just have to trust that I will be able to handle whatever happens.

For the past year, Amanda and I have had the same pain/hope graph.

I have unexplained infertility. Not one test has revealed a clue as to why I can’t get pregnant. There has been nothing to fix. (i feel some people thinking, “you’re old, you bitch“, shut up).

Amanda and her husband found and fixed their infertility problem and so their first IVF should have worked.

Amanda has been trying to get pregnant since she was 24. She is 28 now.

I just turned 42. I can’t believe it.

My grandmother had my mother at 46 and my father and his fraternal twin were born when that grandmother was 39.

I keep saying that over and over to myself so that I don’t get bummed about my age and failure. Hell, I’ll grab at straws and shit if I need to.

So, I have often thought of Amanda.

I feel people thinking “no shit you’re having trouble getting pregnant because you waited so long to get married, you selfish twit” and when my therapist kept telling me that I needed to get an egg donor, I thought of Amanda. Shit, she could be an egg donor. So, in a weird way, Amanda has been a source of strength for me. There was a huge difference in our age, yet we shared the same graph of pain.

You only hear of the success stories. You don’t read about this and that actress who did IVF 8 times and it never worked. What if Brooke had stopped at IVF#6? I doubt we would ever read about her failures. It gives the illusion that one must never give up.

Amanda and I both were done this time. She has had it and so have I. Everyone has their limits. We are at the end of our IVF rope - this was it for us.

In this hellacious year, I have had over 5 years worth of eggs and over 40 embryos - shit, it gets hard to count - it may be more.

Hold on. Let me count it out. For real.

IVF#1 - 11 eggs…………..9 embryos
IVF#2- 17 eggs………….13 embryos
IVF#3- 14 eggs………….7 embryos
IVF#4- 31 eggs………….13 embryos
_________________________
TOTAL: 73 eggs……….42 embryos

I still think that Stanford has the best embryologists because they got the most fertilization percentage……..in other words, they can make shit eggs fertilize. My feng shui expert says that four is my lucky number so I am desperate enough to numerologically look at IVF#4 and see that 31 eggs = 4 and 13 embryos = 4 - so there. I have a lot of four going on. Where the hell are my tarot cards.

Lord knows, I have given it my best shot.

I imagine that Amanda is scared of everything that can happen to crush her dreams. I imagine that it is hard to suck the blood out of this good moment. I am just really, really glad that it finally happened to her and although I can imagine what she has been through, I cannot imagine being that young and suffering so much.

Amanda, hang in there. I know you have a long road ahead before you fill your nursery and I know you are scared. I love you and I wish I could give you a big fat mother hug and tell you it will all be okay. I can promise that I am here cyberly, holding your hand and telling you to breathe.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Aug 4 2005 4:39 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Have Been Given Orders
By Julianna on IVF#4

My sweet, amazing, genius, everyotheradjective husband has given me orders.

I spent the evening telling my husband how completely spent I feel.

This has been the year from hell and I only have ten frozen embryos to speak for it.

He told me to relax.

R.E.L.A.X.

He doesn’t want me to worry or fret about our last remaining ten embryos in the deep freeze.

He told me that he wants me to recover from my Herculesesque year of IVFs and if I don’t feel up to it next month, then we will let me rest as long as is necessary.

It must be difficult for the spouses.

That sweet man only wants me to feel safe and comfortable and he is completely out of control with everything that happens in our future and yet he still continues to support me unconditionally.

It must be very, very difficult for the spouses.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Aug 1 2005 1:53 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
I’m So Happy For You ……..( no, really)
By Julianna on IVF#4

Is the FET still part of IVF#4 or do I need a new category?

My category section is getting LONG and depressing looking. A year ago, I had no idea the hell that was in store for me.

I have never needed to know about FETs and was rather shocked when the nurse called with my 6 week protocol of shots and patches and BCPs. I even have to do the dreaded PIO intramuscular injections this time. After four IVFs, this FET seems very overwhelming. I told the nurse that I want to rest a month and will call them when I start my next Again Fucked. So, it is looking like an October transfer.

I am so happy for the people who have recently received good news about a positive pregnancy but I am also sad for myself. It is like graduating. I want to graduate and move on.

If I am being truly honest, as much as I am happy for others receiving good news, it hurts me more. Like a hammer beating a nail, every pregnancy that is not mine, drives me deeper into sadness. I talked to my therapist about this phenomenon. The feeling of community, of being understood, but then when someone gets pregnant, being around them becomes painful.

I used to be good friends with a neighbor who was infertile. After 4 IUIs, she got pregnant and then we gradually stopped socializing until we never spoke by the time she was 4 months pregnant. I actually called her several times but never got a return call. Honestly, what is she going to talk about with me? Her pregnancy symptoms? Catching up with my mounting failures? At some level, I guess that I am a source of uncomfortableness………like a cancer that she is rid of and doesn’t want to be reminded of……

I walk at least 3 miles a day and finally ran into her pushing her baby stroller as I rounded a street corner. I gave her a big hug and told her that I think of her often and that I had heard so much about her baby (which I have through mutual friends). Her gorgeous son is four months old and just smiled and cooed. She was very awkward and didn’t dare ask how I was, as far as I know, she only knows of my failed IVF#1 but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that I am failing at becoming a mother. I truly don’t think she knows what to say to me and she is sensitive enough to not want to talk about her joy around me, so, what good am I as a friend if my pain over-rides everything else.

Sure, if I get pregnant or have a child, I will be in the club. Right now, I am the plague.

Two heartbroken infertiles are easy friends but when circumstances change, it gets complicated and difficult and painful. I assume it is just as complicated for the one who got the pass out of hell.

I was raised to pretend, be nice, smile and never be pissy in public. Grace is a wonderful gift that I am beginning to lack.

My girlfriend from London,( the one who was doing IVF#2 while I was doing IVF#3) got pregnant and is now past her third trimester. She is wonderful and sweet and sensitive but I find myself not wanting to talk to her. I feel that I am pretending when I ooooooooh and aaaaaaaaah over her ultrasounds and symptoms, it’s a good thing she can’t see my tears over the phone. She wants to meet me for lunch the next time I go to my doctor, I don’t want to. What we had in common, the thing that drew us together was our similar situation. Now I find myself surrounded by people who have the complete opposite of my pain, they have found a way out, a delightful future of hope and joy.

The last thing I would do right now is surround myself with women who are pregnant and yet, that is what the circle of infertility eventually does to everyone at one time or another.

It is hard being left in the room. I am tired. I am tired of being happy for everyone else and still needing the strength to try one more time because by damn, that is the only way I will ever get up there for my very own cap and gown.

It just sucks.

That is all.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Aug 1 2005 1:58 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Scratch That
By Julianna on IVF#4

It is about three hours since I last wrote here, in my pretty blog. It IS pretty, if nothing else.

I just got off the phone with my family. Why is it more embarrassing to say “I started my period“, than “the blood test was negative“. I was raised to never speak in public OR private of periods or tampons or cramps - it is truly, “the unmentionable”. I even told my boss today that I started my period. I am fully de-sensitized to the unmentionable.

I am leaving my very reserved and proper relatives with having to explain that my unmentionable started. I wonder how they are dancing with their words to explain to everyone they excitedly told about my fourth IVF. Surely, their friends and acquaintances wonder when I will just give it up already. I imagine they think I am beating a dead horse.

By the way, I have been reading blogs for almost a year and I still do not have a CLUE what AF stands for………..I get it that AF means they started their period but no matter how clever I think I am, I cannot figure out for the life of me where AF originates. My best guess is that it is “Again Fucked” but that really is too crude for the general public.

Anywho, if I can’t laugh or find something to be grateful for, I become bitter and depressed.

I have been lucky my entire life. I’m not kidding. Just ask my sisters. Shit was fertilizer for me.

I am now learning that I have so little control over so many things. I always thought it was because I was so special that the light shown on me. I’m not saying it was all roses and lilacs, but I never suffered long.

Thank God I had that experience because the past 4 years have left me humbled. I am knee knuckling humbled.

Things do not happen to me because I am such a good person or because I live by “The Golden Rule” or because I am so fucking positive and I envision success and therefore it all miraculously falls into place.

If you had asked me 4 years ago, I would have told you about how much I know about success and happiness due to a positive attitude. I would have loved to speak to people about how wonderful life can be if you just put your mind to it.

Four years later, I can tell you that I would have been so full of crap.

Oh, I’m still a good person…………..I still imagine success but I now know that things are more random than I ever imagined.

My job is to make the most of the cards that have been dealt. I play a lot of poker online and although I have become quite good, I still have full houses that lose to bigger full houses. As long as I am prudent and play smart, then I am still pleased with my play.

I am pleased with my IVF play. I have done research, I have done everything that was expected or asked of me, but I happen to be on a bad run. A year of a bad run. A year is a very long time.

I need to pick myself up by my bootstraps and carry on.

I refuse to be defeated. I refuse to allow this bad beat to ruin my life.

I am grateful for my hole cards - my frozen embryos. If not for them, I would be very much devastated right now. I would be wondering if the darkness lasts forever.

Instead, even though my hand lost, I still have a lot of chips.

At the risk of sounding so incredibly corny, I need to send some love my way. I am so extremely proud of myself. I am extremely grateful for my body and I am eternally grateful for the two and a half years worth of eggs my older body has just produced. My former, naive self wants to attribute it to my meditation and positive thoughts - who the hell knows why I got so many eggs this time.

I just pray that it is not for naught.

In the end, none of it matters if it all fails.

If I get pregnant, I’ll swear the miracles of medical intervention and IVF…………….if my FET doesn’t work, I will be very bitter and I will look on this past year as a very dark place.

I refuse to spend too much of my life being miserable.

Life is short.

So, this last fresh cycle didn’t work but no one really thought that it would. I actually thought deep down that it would work when I least expected it………..oh………….hardee har har.

Just last night, I had the nerve to tell my husband that if we did the frozen cycle right away we may have an Aries baby and since we are both Leos, that would be an awesome fit……….yes, I did.

“You are fucking kidding me aren’t you.?…….. Aren’t you?” He asked.

“Yes, I guess.” I said. I am ashamed to say that I really had that thought.

The truth is that exactly a year ago my first IVF failed. It was a few days before my birthday. If I had my beta at the regular scheduled time this week, it would have been on my birthday. I think that deep down, that is why I didn’t insist on my beta being done Monday. I tend to protect myself, even at a subconscious level.

Enough of my whining about starting my Again Fucked.

Time to gear up and be thankful for my frozen chance……………I’m all in.

Right now, it feels right to take a break for a month before they start whatever they do for the frozen (thawed) transfer. That’s what it should be called, a TET - Thawed Embryo Transfer.

What sign will the baby be if I get pregnant in October and is that compatible with two Leo parents?




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Jul 27 2005 11:48 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Bloody Hell
By Julianna on IVF#4

I woke this morning to a most heavy period.

I phoned them to let them know that I am not going in on Friday. No need.

The nurse phoned back to discuss a FET and I told her I am emotionally and physically down right now. I also told her that I was none too pleased with their beta date and that it doesn’t work for me at all, I have a hard time being nice when I am so pissed off.

I told her that I thought it was ridiculous that I was left in a position to phone THEM because they put the beta so far out that I wanted it noted in my chart that I never want that to happen again. I told her 2 weeks was long enough and every day after that is torture.

I guess all of Dr. Sub’s patients call him with the bad news and he is able to call them with the good because if they make it to his beta date, they are indeed pregnant. Fuck that.

She said that she would note it in my chart and that it is doctor preference and Dr. Sub likes his betas that far out. Last I knew, it is MY beta and not his.

Nice nurse said that I could be tested real early with the FET and she is calling me tomorrow to discuss schedules.

I don’t even know what is involved with a FET. She mentioned BCPs and patches and pills and progesterone and starting on Sunday for a transfer date of early September and if I wanted to rest, that was fine too.

I think I want to rest.

This sucks.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Jul 27 2005 8:45 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Tic Toc, Hit Me With A Rock
By Julianna on IVF#4

My beta is Friday. FRIDAY! I think that Dr. Sub was on crack when he set the date.

Almost three weeks past retrieval?! I mean hell, why doesn’t he just schedule a beta at the first ultrasound.

When he told me the date……..oh, so long ago, I told him that that sounded far off and that I figured it would be on the 25th - two weeks after retrieval.

He said that was too early.

As each day passes, I am getting more and more pissed at how absurd this all is…………I mean, really.

Have I not suffered enough?

I took another HPT this morning, because well, what the hell. This beta date is so ridiculous that I am getting a really pissy attitude. I no longer like Dr. Sub……as a matter of fact, I never want to see him again and if I start my period within the next few days, I am going to erupt when I call them about my not positive pregnancy.

The only reason I am even wasting $8 a day on the hateful HPTs is because…………well, I really don’t know why.

Maybe because I don’t have all my eggs in this basket so it won’t hurt so as much.

I actually thought that because I wasn’t really expecting anything, that it wouldn’t bother me so much.

It ALWAYS SUCKS.

I am tired.

I don’t think I am going to do a FET next month. I think I need a break. I have been giving myself shots for 2 months and I am just beaten. I need to gain some strength.

I am just in a pissy mood.

This is the year anniversary of my first IVF and when I look back on how hopeful I was back then, it makes me very, very sad. I have had a really shit year.

Why can’t I catch a break for once.

Waaaaa waaaaaaaa waaaaaaaaaaaaa




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jul 26 2005 10:04 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Dear HPT,
By Julianna on IVF#4

Why are you such a bitch
you glisten and glow
and show not a stitch

For 4 long years, you have made me blue
But M. insisted, thinking you’d be good
I showed him this morning, now he hates you too

Your love is like a tidal wave, spinning over my head
Drownin’ me in your promises, better left unsaid
You’re the right kind of sinner, to release my inner fantasy

You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around with me
You’re a heartbreaker
Dream maker, love taker
Don’t you mess around - no no no

It’s 10 days post transfer
so you should be nice
instead, you’re still so sinister
not even showing a splice

It’s been seven hours and almost 10 days
I can go out every night and drink all day
Since u took my line away

Since u been gone I can do whatever I want
I can drink my wine in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues

`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 two

It’s been so lonely without a baby here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me HPT, where did I go wrong

I went to the doctor n’guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better have fun
cause you’re a stupid bitch for doing a HPT
No matter what u do, don’t pee on a stick
But he’s a fool

`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 two
All the hopes and dreams
All died when u didn’t show me the second line

Thank God I have some frozen ones
Come on, show me what you can do
Can you please be nice next month
I’m just asking for line number two

`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 two

I know that living with a baby is sometimes hard
But I’m willing to give you another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 two
Nothing compares
Nothing compares 2 two

.

.

my apologies to pat and sinead




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jul 24 2005 2:05 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Preparation H and TBW
By Julianna on IVF#4

So, I had to go to work today.

I mean, come on, I work two days a week and have been out of work for two weeks, so……I had to go in…….massive eyelids and all.

I cried so much last night that I was still unrecognizable to myself this morning…………the lady at McDonald’s drive-thru didn’t even recognize me (which is usually a good thing, but not when you are me - I always get their Egg McMuffin and O.J. when I go to work).

Of course, when I got to work everyone wondered what happened and assumed that it had something to do with my IVF. I told everyone at the same time that my dog died and I couldn’t talk about it any further or I would start crying again.

Now, I am always very professional and never talk about myself with patients unless someone asks me something specific…….but, for the most part, it is always about the patient and it is rather amazing how most people are so wrapped up in themselves that they don’t even notice when their dental hygienist is having an emotional breakdown. In all the years that I have been practicing, I don’t think one person has asked me if I was okay or picked up on any personal issues - which is the way it should be.

Color me surprised when TBW (The Bosses Wife) went to Starbucks for everyone and then stopped by a pharmacy to get me some Visine and Preparation H for my squinty eyes.

Now, I have never used PH. I am pleased to announce to the world that I have never had a hemorrhoid, nor come close to knowing what any of that entails but, I have however, heard of models using PH for circles under the eyes for puffy skin. I even saw a woman on Oprah once who had gorgeous skin and she said that she uses PH as her moisturizer.

It actually worked really fast and probably took away 30% of the puffiness - I may have a new face cream!

Anywho…………TBW is really an idiot…………a thorn in my side……………she says so many stupid things that it actually gets beyond ridiculous………….my husband has even grown numb to my TBW stories because it is almost unbelievable…………..only, I’m not clever enough to make this shit up. (I actually gave my notice a month or so ago and told the doctor that I was having a difficult time working with his wife and much to my surprise, he took a poll in the office and everyone said that she was inappropriate and driving them crazy so he told her to cool it………and she has been more gone than there since then)

Anywho #2, it is so difficult to keep it brief when talking about that woman. I shall try.

Scene One: Julianna in large bathroom with Preparation H and Visine while TBW watches intently and they both speak to each other’s images in the mirror.

TBW: ” So, tell me about your last IVF! I never heard the grade of your embryos! You look great!”

Julianna: “There is no grade. They froze them before they could grade them.”

TBW:“Didn’t they put some in though! What were their grades!”

Julianna: “Yes, they put what they thought were the three worst ones in me.”

TBW: “SOOOOO!!!!!! What are you going to do if you get pregnant now!”

Julianna: “Ummmm……..be happy.” as I was capping the PH.

TBW: “Well, if you get pregnant now, I told Bossman that we should take some of the frozen ones!”

Julianna: ……………………………..

completely speechless

as a side note, TBW and Bossman were turned down by their social worker to begin the adoption process……..they were encouraged to keep trying on their own……….you reckon the social worker picked up on something ?




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Jul 20 2005 1:58 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Chelsea Belle 1992 - 2005
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

My beloved Chelsea Belle died today at 4:15 EST.

I was the most awesome mother any dog could imagine for the first 8 years of her life and then I did the unthinkable…….I gave her to my mother and father.

My future husband lived 3,000 miles away and was allergic to dogs, so I had to make a decision. Did I stay in South Carolina with my beautiful dog, or did I take a chance at love and move cross-country without my beloved Chelsea Belle?

The first three weeks that I was in California, I cried big buckets of tears every single day because I missed her so much.

I searched high and low for an allergy specialist who would allow me to keep the loves of my life in one place.

It was not to be.

The only saving grace was that my amazing dog loved my mother more than she loved me………she never had an aching heart because I was gone.

That does not ease my guilt for abandoning her……..for choosing love over her.

Chelsea Belle was put to rest while my mother and father coddled her. They said that it was very peaceful and Chelsea was not in pain.

I am thankful for the two weeks that I was able to spend with her in May. I played games with her and we did pet tricks and she played fetch and we took long naps together most afternoons.

A piece of my heart is forever reserved by my amazing Chelsea Belle.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jul 19 2005 12:01 PM Updated: Wed, Jul 20 2005 11:50 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Successful Launch
By Julianna on IVF#4

The three that they saved for my transfer survived lift off and they are now floating around the inner sanctity of my uterus and I am hopeful that at least one will ground and burrow into the progesterone filled lining of my uterus.

I think I have been watching too much shuttle stuff.

The doctor explained the cells and grades and, amazingly, I wasn’t sitting on the edge of my exam table.

I don’t know how to explain it, but I almost welcome the rest now. My complete focus for the past 5 weeks has been this final IVF - I have pulled out all the stops. There is absolutely nothing more that I could have done for this cycle to have been more successful. The meditation and visualization help tremendously.

They saved the best embryos for the freeze the afternoon after my retrieval. Dr. Sub said that there is some sort of evaluation the embryologists perform (E somethingorother) to try to assess which embryos are going to be the best. They can’t see cleaving or two cells yet at such an early stage. They saved the best 10 for the freezer and the last three for my transfer.

The three that were transferred:
7 cell grade 1
6 cell with 10% fragmentation
4 cell that was looking a little more oval than it should

Because of my progesterone, and their lack of success with a level over 2.0 (mine was 2.1), the Dr. said that we have a 15% chance of this cycle producing a live birth.

It feels so odd to not need a transfer to work so badly. There is no “do or die” this time.

Wouldn’t it be lovely if I finally caught a break………yes, that would be splendid.

It would be nice if we all caught a break , a big lottery-like winning break, at least once in our lives.

I’m told it does happen.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Jul 15 2005 1:05 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
I’m Bad At Math
By Julianna on IVF#4

Out of the 31 eggs, 24 were mature enough to do ICSI.

The immature ones (7?) were put into a dish to see if they wanted to make a show, they all snubbed the sperm dancing for attention on the petri dance floor so, now, they must die.

Out of the 24 that were mature, they were all ICSI’d and 14 fertilized - one was a slut and took on two sperm so that leaves 13.

They are freezing 10 today and transferring 3 Thursday morning.

If 31 eggs get on a bus and half get off at the first stop that is 3 miles away and then 1/3 of the remaining eggs get off the bus 1/2 the distance of the first stop, how far did they travel and how many were left on the bus if 10 Million sperm jumped on at the third stop that was 1/4 the distance of the second stop and ……………….oh! just a joke!

I am very sore and very, very tired. I am drinking tons of Gatorade and water to ward off the hyperstim demons.

I am also rather amazed at how different this cycle is and I was on the same exact meds - it blows my mind.

I am grateful for 13 embryos.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jul 12 2005 6:32 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Mother Load
By Julianna on IVF#4

There is a reason why most RE clinics have anesthesiologists for retrievals, it is because it hurts like a motherfucker. This time was more painful than the last and I actually had to stay there for 4 hours because I fainted while trying to get up. A fun time was had by all.

M. came in the surgery room with me this time which is a huge deal for him. Unfortunately, it wasn’t the hand holding, loving, supporting environment that I imagined.

It is kind of hard to be civil when my innards are being harpooned while still awake.

Dr. Next wasn’t there today so Dr. Substitute filled in for him. I actually like both of them. I told Dr. Sub of my pain with the last retrieval so he added more demerol and an anti-nausea medication in the cocktail - not that it helped.

Dr. Sub said that he would tell us the count after the embryologist had a chance to assess everything.

About 40 minutes later, Dr. Sub entered and announced that we had 31 eggs.

M. said, “that’s great!”.

I said, “oh shit“.

Dr. Sub said, “too many“.

My husband is a very quiet man but he is also very intellectual and not afraid of expressing his opinion. He listened intently as Dr. Sub explained the progesterone issue and the quality vs. quantity of the eggs because we had so many and he suggested transferring some embryos tomorrow and freezing the best ones for a FET next month.

This began a 15 minute debate and as tension started to fill the room, I did what any drugged up woman would do, I put the headset back on and listened to Enya - LOUDLY.

M. doesn’t understand why they want to transfer any if it is clearly contraindicated and Dr. Sub explained that he is trying to optimize success. If we end up with fewer embryos tomorrow, then he wants to freeze all of them. If we have a lot of embryos, he wants to give the poorer quality ones a chance in my uterus which is the best place for them.

M. wants to freeze everything as he feels that gives them the better chance. If they have never had a live birth with progesterone over 2.0 and mine was a 2.1, M. thinks it makes no sense. Thank you Deborah for telling me about your 2.5 progesterone - after the doctor left the room, I told M. about you and he seemed more at peace with going ahead with a transfer tomorrow should that be what the doctor orders.

I am merely a puppet. I am doing the best that I can do and it will be what it will be.

I am also still heavily drugged and reserve the right to pitch a fit if I happen to get an opinion one way or another. It will be odd to have embryos transferred without expecting them to do anything.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Jul 11 2005 9:39 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Gatorade Anyone?
By Julianna on IVF#4

The nature of being infertile has left me with a desperate attempt to find the cause. I have spent endless hours researching, reading hundreds of infertile’s stories - always trying to find a cure for me.

For IVF#4, I have pulled out all the stops. I have undergone psychoanalysis, acupuncture, strict exercise regime, dietary changes, and even a feng shui expert has been hired to completely de-clutter my home and place furniture in the proper order for the most family friendly attractiveness.

Believe it or not, I have received much more satisfaction from the feng shui expert. I almost imagine my home being a huge vacuum for new babies to be sucked into against their will. My husband has had a difficult time going with the flow of my chi expert.

Literally, every corner of my house has been over-hauled.

I never went back to my acupuncturist who left massive bruises from his 2 inch needles and I fired my psychologist after visit number 5 and two sessions in a row of hearing how much he is learning about IVF and that I “really should research it more because I have a 99% chance of it working if I go with egg donor” - AND after explaining why that is a bullshit statistic, he proceeded to hammer it home again the next time I went to see him………. at the time, it was extremely stressful - I had already started my injections and had yet to receive any of his promised visualization exercises. The last thing I needed was to pay someone to make me feel worse - it was beyond ridiculous.

I learned that I am strong. I was yelling and screaming for help and found it within myself.

This is SO hard.

My ultrasound reveals more than 30 follicles and my estrogen has been rising perfectly. I have been warned of OHSS and have been closely monitored every day since Thursday (blood draws and ultrasounds).

I am on the same dose as my last 14 egg cycle. I guess all that meditating and self-hypnosis and feng shuiing has worked. My retrieval is set for tomorrow morning.

I was waiting for the phone call regarding my trigger shot timing when I noticed it was the doctor’s home phone on my caller ID. Now, admittedly, I am almost arrogant in my confidence with my stimming by now. I usually produce many eggs and my hormone levels are within range, it’s the getting pregnant part that eludes me.

The doctor said he had good news and bad news. My estrogen is rising beautifully but………..HOWEVER……….BUTT……………..my progesterone is rising also.

Many clinics don’t test the progesterone and only in the past two years, has my current doctor thrown that blood test into the mix. My estrogen is wonderful but my progesterone was 2.1 yesterday morning.

I don’t know what the hell my progesterone does exactly, so, I asked. Progesterone effects the lining of the uterus and thus, the implantation of the embryos. It could be that I have more follicles than usual, or it could be that my problem is just now revealing itself.

We will see how many actual eggs they extract tomorrow and the plan is to ICSI all of the mature ones and freeze them all the next day. I will have to do a FET next month. He says he has had no pregnancies with a progesterone over 2.0 and he wants to transfer during a normal cycle.

Dr. Next said that he gets about a 70 - 80% thaw rate when the embryos are frozen on day 1, instead of waiting for day 3 embryos which has a lower percentage of successfully thawed embryos.

Honestly, what can I do now?

I actually feel at peace and am still hopeful that I will have a wonderful pregnancy in my future. This could be great news if he found my problem.

Thank you so much for all of your love and support and kind emails and thank you for understanding my need to seek shelter.

I’ll post again after the fertilization report.

Thank you, again.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jul 10 2005 2:37 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
CaveWoman
By Julianna on IVF#4

I am in a bit of a cave at the moment. I feel that I left abruptly and that is rude.

I have received so much love and support and advice from my wonderful new blog friends and I feel that some sort of explanation is in order.

I am okay. Actually, I am very well. I am relaxing and meditating and spending long weekends away with my husband and sucking the blood out of every moment that is pleasant.

I have started drawing and painting again and I am keeping very busy with gardening and crafts and decorating.

I was getting so consumed by the internet that it was interfering with my normal everyday activities.

My bloglines list is so massive (and now, incredibly backlogged) that it would take me hours each day to catch up with all of my loved ones online.

I have been completely consumed by my infertility. COMPLETELY CONSUMED.

I start my Gonal F in two days and the next two weeks are all I’ve got right now. This is my final shot. I cannot do this anymore……..to myself, my husband, our finances or our marriage. I get so close and can taste success with each IVF. There has to be an end, especially for those of us who have absolutely no insurance coverage for such an expensive procedure. If insurance covered this hellaciousness, I would actually do it until I was ruined. But alas, this is it.

I am meditating several times a day and even when I wake in the middle of the night, I take that time to relax and breathe and think all things wonderful with a baby in the end, in my arms, being rocked to sleep in the nursery.

Please forgive my absence and know that I am wishing everyone well and sending loving thoughts your way.

I just need to be in my cave to lick my wounds and heal my soul and gather courage and strength to give this one more go………..a good go………a Warrior Princess go.

The coming month will hold much drama and I will know the fork in my road at that time.

I will post again when that fork reveals itself.

Thank you for everything.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Jun 28 2005 11:27 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Resting
By Julianna on IVF#4

I am going to be taking a break from the internet.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Jun 13 2005 2:06 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
I Said “Know” …Not
By Julianna on IVF#4

Wouldn’t you know it?!

The obnoxious cousin was off on a spa retreat all week so I never got to practice saying “KNOW!”.

Her husband is much more tolerable and their brat of a son, Gabriel, was just as obnoxious as last year. It is definitely his mother’s fault that he is so difficult to be around.

I did mention, casually, and off-the-cuff (as if it was just a curiosity), about the 2 week wait that they had for Gabriel. Gabe’s father did confirm that they talked to this certain attorney about adopting a baby and in less than 2 weeks, they had their son. Very, very, interesting. They live a little North of San Francisco and their attorney was in that area. But, what do I know about adoption? It just seems unbelievable.

We had a nice weekend and it was very nice to spend time with my husband’s family from Boston (Gabriel’s family were the only ones who also live in California).

I have massive fucking bruises on my stomach, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!, from my acupunture needles.

I have been crampy and irritable so Dr. Guru is either curing me, or ruining me.

We will all know in the end.

I see Dr. Kool tomorrow morning and I have a lot on my mind for him. It should be the most soul searching session yet. I’ll post again tomorrow when I get home.

Can anyone, besides me, keep all of my doctor’s straight?




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Jun 12 2005 10:17 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
My Stomach Has Just Been Punctured
By Julianna on Psych 101

Yes, I am quite certain that the contents of my stomach were touched with an acupuncture needle.

FYI, and falls under the category (which I will soon add) - GTK - Good To Know: When an acupuncturist has a sign on their door and on their business cards that they practice “Ancient Chinese Acupuncture“, it means that they use 2 inch needles and they go to the hub of the needle - Thank you very much!

Damnation! I have had acupuncture before, with several different practitioners but it is quite evident that none of them were “Ancient Chinese Acupuncturists“. F.U.C.K.

Granted, I have belly fat but, I am quite certain that the needles penetrated way beyond my layer of skin and fatty tissues. I mean honestly, I was skewered on my calves and my forearms and my belly and my cheeks (facial) and the top of my head. The only needle that did not go to the hub was the one on my scalp because my fucking skull stopped it!

Lord, have mercy.

The only reason my tongue was not pierced by the spears in my cheeks is because he angled them in such a way (towards my chin) that they didn’t go straight through and inside my mouth.

Damnation.

He says he can work miracles on me and since I am on BCPs right now, he just wanted to get me primed. He didn’t want to stimulate my ovaries if they are supposed to be resting right now.

I will call my acupuncturist “Dr. Guru” although, “Dr. Ten Inch Nails” seems more appropriate. None of the needles hurt going in or being removed.

Dr. Guru is an older Chinese doctor who I have heard rave reviews about…

…..do I seem desperate?

I also saw Dr. Kool and will see him again on Monday. I don’t know if he thinks a week is too long between visits or that was the only time he can see me next week.

We haven’t worked on the hypnosis and visualization yet and I think I will ask about it next visit. Today he told me that he has been researching about IVF and had dinner with a colleague so he could learn more about my situation, so we spent the first 15 minutes talking about that.

To be honest, I don’t expect a doctor to get all of the nuances of IVF. Hell, I could talk to two different RE’s and hear different things, so I don’t care how much of my particular situation Dr. Kool understands.

The main thing I need from him is to help me be brave and deal with any future losses or successes that come my way. I appreciate him trying to understand my particular IVF case but I told him that my husband can’t even keep it all straight. I just need to get in the zone and I need help.

M. has relatives from Boston visiting North of San Francisco so we are driving there tomorrow and will stay through Sunday evening. One cousin, in particular, thinks that she and I have a bond because she was infertile and adopted her child. Her son is seven years old and is the most irritating brat on the planet. I have only been around her once, for dinner, and imagining a whole weekend with her in the mix is rather irritating to think about so Dr. Kool helped me with some techniques so that I am not involved in conversations I don’t wish to have all weekend.

Basically, Dr. Kool said to tell her that I don’t care to discuss that right now. She was trying to push me into adopting and wanted me to call her attorney who can get me a baby “in 2 weeks”. She never even considers that I may not be there yet………..so, Dr. Kool said to just simply say “I don’t care to discuss that right now and if we should change our mind, I will contact you about your helpful information”………..

It just isn’t me to be so bold and cutoffish. So, I repeated what he said and Dr. Kool said “lose the laugh” and that I laugh to soften an uncomfortable situation and that may give mixed signals. If I truly want her to shut the fuck up all weekend, I need to breathe and simply say “Know”. He told me to think of know when I say no to her. I don’t no why, unless it makes it easier to say.

I don’t know, I’m just tired………driving to all these doctor’s visits gets exhausting.

I really do dread this weekend, but only because of the one cousin, I enjoy everyone else. We’ll see how I do.

Have a good weekend everyone!

p.s. i can’t comment on typepad blogs unless i change my blog url - susan (holding pattern) said that she found out it is because of my hyphen. wired-hub……..it will take my old blogspot url……it’s a pain in my ass. just so you know.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Jun 9 2005 9:19 AM Updated: Thu, Jun 9 2005 7:28 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Dates and Shots and Happiness
By Julianna on IVF#4

The nurse just called with my IVF#4 schedule.

I don’t know why my hands were shaking while I was trying to write it all down in my calendar, you’d think I’d be used to all of this by now.

My best estimate is that I’ll be having my beta on or around my birthday - July 25th.

I start Lupron injections next week and I begin my Gonal F injections on June 30th.

The nice nurse said that since we don’t have any insurance coverage for infertility, they were going to be giving me a vial of multi-dose Gonal F . Our medications run about $5,000 + for each cycle and I think a multi-dose Gonal F costs about $400, so that is a huge help and I am very grateful.

Danae mentioned freegaragesale for IVF meds and I have tried to contact three of the people there who are selling Gonal F but none have answered yet. I’m assuming this means that they already sold their meds? Does anyone have any experience with them or any other suggestions for other discounted IVF med sites? I never knew these things existed. Thank you in advance for any recommendations. I have about 3 weeks until I need the Gonal F so I think that rules out overseas purchases - I remember Amanda having problems with overseas shipments and I don’t need more stress so I think I will stay away from that option.

My sister and Aunt were wanting to come out to visit me the week of July 4th. I love having company but I do tend to get a bit stressed with wanting everything to be perfect and planned. I try to organize and pack in a lot of festivities and since I will be getting ready for my daily monitoring that week, I’m afraid I am going to have to tell them that is not going to be a good time.

It is so hard carrying on a normal life while going through all of this IVF crap.

I am in a good place right now.

I have even been….. dare I say? HAPPY. Yes, I have been happy the past few days. I rather like it here.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Jun 6 2005 6:13 AM Updated: Mon, Jun 6 2005 11:40 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
News Flash
By Julianna on IVF#4

The world is not going to end if IVF#4 fails. Yep, all of you people out there are safe from that danger.

I had my lupron challenge test and damn, having that lupron headache brought back terrible memories. I really suffered more with IVF#3 than any of the others. It is the lupron that does not agree with me, and also the fact that I have to give myself injections for more weeks with this protocol. I liked just being on birth control pills for a month and then starting heavy duty drugs for 7 to 10 days - this 3 weeks plus of shots is really, really not fun.

I had a ton of things to do yesterday. I had to get my nails done, my hair done, a lunch date with a girlfriend and some shopping to perform. I went to Dr. Next early in the morning because of all of the other much less important things on my schedule.

My dear husband was working at home. He never answers the phone but I told him that he needed to answer when the nurse called because I was getting very important blood work done and the numbers would determine whether or not we could move forward.

Dr. Next relies on the lupron challenge test heavily and although I have never had trouble with my bloodwork tests, well, except for the all important beta which is the whole purpose of everything and ……..anyway, where was I? Oh yes, I still worry. I could get the phone call that my bloodwork is shit and that I need to realize that I am too old to have a child.

So, in case you haven’t noticed, my amazing husband is an absentee egg father. He pays the bills, comes to the appointments that he has to get excited about (as in ejaculate) and takes me to and fro when I am too incapacitated after retrievals and transfers, when I cannot drive myself. He cannot give me a shot, even if I beg for one on my plump ass because I cannot find a fresh spot on my belly or thighs anymore………no, he can’t even watch me mix my medicine before I load the syringe before an injection.

He is very supportive in other ways. He is so very proud of me and tells me so as I suffer through the procedures. He carries me when I cannot walk and he feeds me when I cannot feed myself.

I adore that man.

He is a brilliant man. He just has no patience for details and facts, especially when it is mixed into my rambling, dramatic stories.

Now, he knows and has heard that my tests are excellent and our eggs are good and our embryos are beauty queens and the sky opens up and the white light shines down and all is glorious in the world but all he remembers and cares about is that we get our ass kicked in the end. Hell, we have been through so many tests and results, I can’t blame him for zoning out the day to day important details.

So, me to him as I was leaving at 6:00 a.m. for my 2 hour commute to the doctor: “…remember to answer the phone. The nurse will call with some important number, they need to call in a prescription to the pharmacy so they will ask for that phone number…….here is the number they will need if all is good with my blood work. The most important thing to ask them is about my FSH. Okay? FSH. I want to know that number.”

“Bye baby. Be careful driving. Have fun today. I’ll answer the phone. You want to know your FHS, I’ll remember.” he was barely awake as I was kissing him goodbye.

FSH, FHS - whatever. They would know what he meant.

My doctor’s office is great about calling, but they don’t like to give specifics.

I came home about 12 hours later and the first thing that M. said is that the doctor called around noon.

Yikes. The doctor. Usually the nurse calls with the bloodwork news.

So, my lovely husband got to ask Dr. Next about my FHS.

“He said it is like a mid 20’s number.”

“Mid 20’s??? My FSH is in the mid twenties!!!????” Shock and panic were ready to fill every cell of my body.

“Dr. Next said that your number was like a mid twenties.” and then M. proceeded to show me a flow sheet of notes he took when the good doctor called. “Your number should be 11. For your age, he expects it to be in the 9 - 11 range and even though FHS is a great indicator of how your eggs are doing, there are other factors that also contribute to the overall success or failure of any given cycle.” Yes, my fucking husband was pointing to his “>” and “

I saw where he wrote out "(mid 20's)" under the "<11" on the piece of paper.

"What is my number?”

“4.3 . He said that is very excellent, like someone in their mid-twenties“.

“Why didn’t you just write 4.3 on the piece of paper?”

“Because I knew I would remember the 4.3, I just wanted to make notes for you while he was explaining everything else.”

I’m sure that Dr. Next was wondering why in the hell my husband doesn’t even know about FSH and we have done countless IUI’s and now, starting a 4th IVF.

So, my pills are called into the pharmacy and I start my lupron injections soon and I will get my schedule on Tuesday.

I will do everything in my power to get good news this time. Giving up is not an option right now.

The earth will not shift one way or another.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Jun 4 2005 2:17 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Theraday #3 - Oh Shit
By Julianna on Psych 101

“So, I’m practicing being in the now but what happens when I am in a funk? I am finding that it exaggerates my sadness.” I said this before I had a chance to settle into my comfortable rocking chair. Hell, I am paying by the minute and I don’t have time for social graces there.

“Being in the now, is not about escaping reality or being happy all the time. It helps you experience the moments and sometimes in life, moments are sucky. It is important to acknowledge your feelings, good and bad. You have to trust that feeling the truth of the moment brings you through it to a much healthier place than trying to ignore it.” He went on to say that shit happens. Shit will continue to happen. “sorry“. Dr. Kool actually says “sorry” a lot when speaking of bad shit that happens to some people, it sucks when things don’t go well…….”sorry”……but that is life. He talks of working through the shit moments by traipsing through it so it won’t follow you and come up later or over and over again.

I told him about being depressed after seeing that 40 year old who is so excited about getting married and trying to start a family. I saw myself in that woman even though I had gone through three years of hell by the time I was her age. I wished I could grab my 37 year old by the shoulders and hug her and tell her that things will be very, very bad if I keep wanting it so bad.

I also told Dr. Kool that I have never had such bad luck in my life. That I have always managed to come out smelling like a rose and if I really wanted something, I worked and tried and eventually things fell into place. I have never, ever, in my life spent so many years trying so hard and failing so miserably.

I feel like a failure.

I told Dr. Kool that I saw a picture that I took of a basket full of all of my meds and shots from IVF#3 and that picture makes me want to quit. I hate seeing all of my effort like that, in a basket of trash.

It is so fucking hard to do IVF. So very hard to have a baby that way but it can be unbearable when you get nothing from it.

I told Dr. Kool that I need to call my RE clinic to give the “go” and I am having second thoughts. Perhaps that basket is trying to tell me something, the same something that I wish I could tell my 37 year old.

Dr. Kool does not believe in “signs” - he thinks that things are random. He doesn’t believe that “things come in threes” and I interrupted him to tell him that “yes, indeed, I do believe that deaths come in threes” and he went on to say that he doesn’t believe that, that people stop counting when they get to three - perhaps the three come in a week or a month or 2 months………..he is trying to make a point that I make the “deaths come in threes” come true.

If I get pregnant and have a baby with IVF#4, I’ll say that my instincts knew and that is why I was never settled with failure. If IVF#4 fails, I’ll think back to that basket of trash.

Dr. Kool asked me what I thought an astronaut is thinking when he is buckling up in a rocket, surrounded by metal and waiting for the countdown for lift-off. He is thinking “shit“. He won’t tell people that, but there is some part of him that is thinking “oh, shit“.

Dr. Kool said that he would be concerned if I wasn’t having “Oh, shit” thoughts about IVF#4. This is a huge deal and a great undertaking and there are no guarantees.

I need to know that I will be okay. Dr. Kool said that we will soon start the visualization, but every visit that I have with him, he will be telling me that IVF#4 may not be successful. I am flipping a coin and I am not more prone to success because I have tried so many times before. I need to be realistic about the odds and not romanticize the facts. I have a 70 - 80 % chance of failure but, it could work and that will be wonderful.

In the end, I will be okay.

I just need to know that.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Jun 2 2005 10:48 AM Updated: Fri, Jun 3 2005 3:41 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
CD HALF of ONE - CD1/2
By Julianna on IVF#4

Let the games begin!!!

Why do I feel so incredibly overwhelmed?

Tomorrow is “Theraday” so, perhaps I will get enlightened.

Okay, truth be told, I am second guessing myself about many things.

First off, why am I such a blabber mouth and tell my husband EVERYTHING??!! Tonight, we were sitting on our new chairs on the deck and I told M. that I was feeling a bit depressed. Immediately, he said, “my baby isn’t thinking of the moment“.

So, I said what any clever woman would say, “What if I am in the moment, thinking of the now, and the now sucks? What if I am in a sucky moment and yet, indulging it?”

Perhaps, I will ask Dr. Kool about that tomorrow.

I can get down to the nitty gritty of why I am depressed this evening:

:: Patient came in the office today and was 40 years old and newly engaged and excited about marriage in a few weeks and starting a family. It made me think of when I got married at 37 and how excited I was then about our “future family” and how incredibly depressing the past 4 years have been when it comes to periods and failure and sex that is timed and being so incredibly disappointed in my body.

:: My neighbor girlfriend had her baby February 10th and I have yet to speak to her, or get her a gift. She and I were month to month infertility buddies…….until…………she got pregnant. Perhaps, that is all we had in common.

:: My sister’s best friend just had her baby girl yesterday. She now has a 2 year old son and a baby girl in less time than I have been trying to have a positive pregnancy test. By the way, she was “infertile” for the second baby and then got pregnant with her first round of clomid. She actually needed my support and advice for the clomid, but when it worked, she had some “relax” advice for me.

:: I am afraid of another failed IVF. I am afraid that I cannot handle failure on top of failure, on top of failure.

:: I wonder what I have done in my life to get such wrath.

:: I wonder, deep down, if my husband is bad luck for me. I always was “chosen”, “golden”, “cake” and “blessed”…..I now know what a dark cloud feels like. I have learned my lesson - “just keep trying and you will succeed” is bullshit.

:: I could list about 10 more things but this is depressing me even more.

It looks like I will get my blood drawn on Saturday and Sunday for my lupron challenge test. I completely dread IVF#4.

I am thinking of calling it off.

I am toying with the idea of calling my RE doctor and telling him that I have indeed finally started my period (no, miracle pregnancy for me this month) and instead of getting a start schedule, I am tempted to cancel everything.

How much money and energy and pain can one person expend?




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Jun 1 2005 11:49 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
WINE! Wine! lovely, wine!
By Julianna on Wine Night Knowledge

A little adventure is in order. Thank you, Suz!

This is part III of “Wine Night Knowledge”. Here was part I and here was part II.

First, I must preface this…because I am weird like that. I LOVE wine. I was raised in South Carolina where Sprite and Ice and a little bit of wine was considered a nice blend and got rave reviews by the locals.

Just so you know, those are my beginnings.

I now live in one of the most award winning wine regions of California and some of our dearest friends happen to own and run a popular winery.

I have learned a great deal and yet, I know VERY LITTLE compared to my husband and our friends. I sooo enjoy learning about wines and welcome any suggestions or corrections.

Perhaps, I will start this with a boring paragraph about the movie “Sideways” and what people in these parts thought of that movie. It was billed as a “wine movie” and yet, wine was nothing but a backdrop for the comings and goings of the characters. I have seen a few real WINE MOVIES and they can be quite boring as they are strictly for informational purposes only. The only thing good about “Sideways” is that it wasn’t about Napa at all, Napa County was never visited in that movie. People here, in the wine region of California, resent Napa and the accolades that it receives. Napa Wine Growers generally pay a large sum of money for wine reviewers to visit their wineries and pay their respects. Proud and established wineries resent this type of favoritism. Perhaps, there can be an argument about Capitalism, but I am not up for a debate. Personally, I think it is interesting information - Napa and Sonoma get great reviews for their wines because they pay an assload of money for the advertisements - there, I said it. “Sideways” concentrates on a small wine region near Santa Barbara and doesn’t buy into the “NapaIsAwesome” mindset. That is why I liked that movie, and the only reason.

California wine is so superb because of the climate - that is all. There are not more ingenius wine-makers here, than elsewhere. If it is sunny during the day, and cool at night, grapes flourish. Where grapes flourish, wine can be awesome. The longer the grape is on the vine, the more fruit it has under it’s skin.

I live in a region that has a large difference in day and night time temperatures, so, the grapes stay on the vine a good 4 - 6 weeks longer than other regions. If the winemaker is talented, that can make for some amazing wine.

What gets me the most (and I have said it before), is the pretentiousness of the wine connoisseurs. Don’t ever, EVER, let anyone make you feel inferior because of your wine choices.

People come to the winery and ask questions or discuss things with the pretense of arrogance. I get the feeling that people are putting on a show sometimes when they come to the winery. The ones who ask the most questions are usually the ones who are trying the most to impress those around them.

Do not ever let anyone intimidate you with their wine knowledge.

Our friends who own the winery are the most forgiving and unpretentious people you will ever meet. They scoff at “rules” and welcome suggestions.

You can drink red wine with chicken and you can drink white wine with steak. Hell, you can drink red wine with nothing but chocolate, if you so desire.

Pairing wines is amazing and it is awesome if you are concentrated on sipping and chewing at designated times. For the most part, and for the great majority of people, this is not feasible and can even be ridiculous.

If you like wine, it is desirable to find a good wine that you can enjoy on a regular basis. Preferably, an inexpensive wine.

Australian wines are very good and affordable and available world-wide. Wines from Chili are also gaining in respect and popularity.

It does no good for me to mention a local wine that is hard to find and expensive. The goal is to find cheap, easy-to-find wine.

I have already mentioned “Rosemount” Australian wine. I particularly like their Shiraz and their Shiraz/Cabernet blend. Especially if you let it breathe (decant), it is delicious.

Another wine that is very good, especially if it is decanted, is “Fat Bastard”. I hate that name, but it is rather easy to find.

Since it is the summer and white wine season, I particularly like “J. Lohr”, “Kenwood Jackson”, “Rosemount”, and “Callitera”.

If you can find it, J. Lohr Valdiguié is an awesome white wine that is relatively inexpensive. Actually, J. Lohr has a great selection of affordable wines, in my opinion.

In the meantime, if you want to drink a little Sprite* with your ice, with your wine, then so be it! Whatever flips your switch.

Try new things, but always stick to what you like best, no matter what is “in” or popular.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, May 30 2005 12:39 PM Updated: Tue, May 31 2005 7:38 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Not Now
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

My Holiday weekend was fabulous. A lot of it was due to the amazing weather and my peaking garden (not Peking - my garden flowers are peaking).

I had a little luncheon on Friday with some girlfriends and we sat outside for hours. That morning, the grocery store had dozen rose bunches on sale for $6.99 each, so instead of amputating my garden’s loveliness, I bought four dozen roses and cut them low in vases, and much to my surprise, they are still absolutely amazing. The vases are outside and there is something about those roses looking more and more glorious, that makes me stay outdoors - much more than normal. I think that I need to make it a habit to keep fresh flowers in vases outside. It’s the little things, sometimes.

I also just bought some rattan furniture that I am keeping outdoors, so I have a comfortable little sitting area on my deck. I am taking the cushions in every evening, which I am sure will get old. But for now, I am blissfully enjoying my house’s backyard area.

I would take pictures but my digital camera still has a full load of pictures from a month or two ago that my lovely husband has yet to download for me. It’s a long, stupid story of why I have to go through a three step process before I can actually see my digital pictures. I would take a lot more pictures if it weren’t such a pain in the ass.

Personally, I love, LOVE, Love looking at pictures but I suppose it is not the prudent thing on the internet. Ahhh well.

Wow, M. just said that he would do my pictures for me……so, I’ll post some when he is done.

I am really doing much better emotionally. I feel strong. I am trying to stay in the moment and enjoy the little now seconds and it is amazing how much I spend in the past, or next.

While I was eating this weekend, I noticed myself thinking of something else or the next bite or sip instead of enjoying what was in my mouth. I think that is a perfect metaphor of my life.

I am going to make a concentrated effort to pay more attention to my “nows”.

Right now, all I hear is the birds, there must be hundreds and they are all making such a racket. Would it be bitchy of me to say that they are starting to get on my nerves?

I need to think of something else.

***UPDATED*** - I am either incredibly talented or I suck at taking photographs. I choose to think the latter. My pergola casts some wicked shadows mid-day. The only way I seem to be able to make this easy for myself, is to add my photos to the slideshow in my sidebar —->. If you click on the flickrgeist box, you can view a slideshow. Sorry, that is the only way I know to add pictures here.

Wine talk to follow!




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, May 30 2005 4:04 AM Updated: Mon, May 30 2005 7:35 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Theraday #2
By Julianna on Psych 101

Thursday is……………. Therapy Day! My session was so much different this time that I almost feel that I need to change my doctor’s name each week.

First off, he asked how I was doing and said that “good” means different things to different people and in time, as he gets to know me, he’ll get a feel for how I am really doing when I say “good”.

I told him that I feel so much better but how much is that because I am getting my fix? My “next” fix. I have come to realize that when it appears that the fight is over and I have to surrender, that is when I get so incredibly sad but every time I have been able to strive for my goal, hope keeps me happy.

Like a heroin addict who is shit unless they have their fix, I am a basket case unless I have Hope.

My heroin is trying every month to have a baby and IVF is the really, really good stuff. If I want to get high, I can’t get any better than IVF.

So, all of this is useful information. It is understandable that I am “good” right now, but that doesn’t mean it really is good.

I told Dr. Kool about my pressing dilemma with the embryo adoption and that we needed to decide soon. Dr. Kool had never heard of such a thing and after we discussed it for about 15 minutes, the decision was made to not mix my fresh embryos with adopted embryos.

Basically, it is too complicated and too involved to make a decision in a week or two and therefore, we need to scrub the idea right now. We can always do an embryo adoption cycle in the future so saying “no” right now does not mean that it will never happen.

Dr. Kool’s main concern was the legalities of it all and we would need to have a good attorney who specializes in such matters to work out the details.

Now, before I go on, I will say an obvious thing about Dr. Kool not being the “end all and be all” when it comes to shrinks……….I know that……………..so, when I share what he suggests for me and about me, it is not indicative of the “right thing” to do.

I was very surprised at Dr. Kool’s response when I explained how it really doesn’t matter to me which embryo is adopted or not if one took, that I would love all of them the same and even finding out wouldn’t change my emotions. However, M. would rather not know which one took if we had a baby that way, he is afraid that he would suddenly feel differently. Dr. Kool also expressed concern over the decision of whether to tell the child or not and I was stunned with his comments.

Dr. Kool said that there is a definite, proven, factual basis on the pro’s and con’s of telling a child whether they are adopted or not. Children who know that they are adopted since early childhood have significantly more issues than children who were adopted and never told. He said that it is similar to divorced parent issues but that sometimes it can run deep in the informed adopted child, the knowing that “someone gave them up”. He went on to say that he is not recommending that I not tell my child that they are adopted, but there are serious issues with each. Perhaps if the adopted child is never told, a legal office could hold medical information should it ever be needed.

I never considered not telling a child but hearing this, it makes me pause. I do think I would rather my parents not tell me if I was adopted, especially, if that means I will have more “issues” and feel rejected at a deep level and really, if they loved me endlessly anyway, is it SO important for me to know? I have never needed to know my genetic background and even when you do know, it doesn’t mean you will get a certain disease. Hell, my grandmother’s were uber fertile and look what it did for me.

I don’t know anything. I only know that it is complicated and personal.

So, if I do go the embryo adoption route in my future, I’ll have many decisions.

Dr. Kool said that I need to hear and know and understand at a deep level that I have an 80% chance of failure with this IVF. I cannot jump into this IVF with blinders on and decide that “this time, it HAS to work” because that is not reality. The reality is that I have a 20 - 25% chance of it working and no more. If I happen to get really nice looking embryos like last time, I may have a 30% chance of each one making it but that still leaves me with a 70% chance of failure and it is important for me to acknowledge that.

Examples he gave me:

If you are given a coin, you have a 50% chance of it being either heads or tails when you flip it. What if you toss the coin 99 times and every single time it was tails………..what are your odds of heads coming up on the 100th toss?………………it is still 50/50………….you don’t get any extra kudos for having shit luck before then.

Even though I feel entitled to have better luck, I don’t. I still have a 70 - 80% chance of failure with IVF. I need to know that and not wear blinders. It doesn’t mean I won’t be sad if it doesn’t work, I will just be more properly aligned to take the blow.

Another example he gave is let’s say that you are offered a chance to give someone $100,000 for a business venture and if that venture pans out, you will make $500,000 but, the clincher is that if it fails, you will only lose $10,000 of your original investment. You have to decide whether it is worth it for you to try. You also have to understand that it is risky and be willing to take the loss. You have a 70 - 80% chance of it not working, but if it does……………wow!

Would I cry like a baby and be a victim for the rest of my life if the risk didn’t pan out? Am I entitled for it to work, the more times I try?

I get it.

I. GET. IT.

I am a gambler and would risk and risk and risk but I need to put a check on my emotional drama and romance.

I think Dr. Kool would be proud of me.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, May 26 2005 9:14 AM Updated: Thu, May 26 2005 9:41 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Desperate Measures……
By Julianna on IVF#4

Perhaps this is not the place to brainstorm but I am mulling something over in my mind and you amazing people are rocking my world lately, so, I guess we can say that I feel safe. (cue the dental drill)

I had my follow-up appointment with Dr. Next today. It sucks to hear the “how’s” and “whys” of trying another time when I am not sure that is even an option………..so, today was different. I already had the green light for another round from my lovely husband so I was ready to hear how magnificent I am as an IVF patient and all of the promise in my future even though everything leading up to now, has been an atrocity.

Dr. Next is a DOLL, I truly adore him but I also loved my Dr. Beautiful at Stanford. I am so very glad that I left her, I needed to have this change of protocol……..it also makes me appreciate Dr. Next even more.

It is proof that although you can love your doctor, it is a good idea to change if you get two failures or more in a row. I do believe that I have a better chance with Dr. Next’s protocol for me.

So, back to my appointment today…………………

I told Dr. Next that each time it hurts worse and how that has surprised me and that I fear a fourth round and the consequences but the alternative is to give up and I just cannot wrap my arms around the fact that I will never be a mother.

We reviewed my history and he said that it was a huge deal to get a positive beta, that implantation had definitely occurred, that I had no idea how well I responded to the meds and that my hormones and levels and egg maturity were outstanding and that I didn’t even have any fragmentation and that the embryologist had glowing reports and the sun shown brighter that day and the moon that night was more clear…………..

ohhhhhhhh, sorry……………

It doesn’t fucking matter as long as my pretty little nursery is empty……………..none. of. it. matters.

I am blessed to have nice looking eggs and beautiful embryos that are extremely photogenic and I even had one out of thirty embryos like my uterine loveliness so much that it actually implanted for a few days.

Yes, I suppose that I am one of the lucky ones……………..hardeeee har har………….

What’s a girl to do?

I wrote all of your lovely recommendations on a piece of paper and brought each point up as an alternative test…..antibody, killer cells, sperm something or other, rejection something or other……….it was all written down, and I presented it to him with the preface that I wanted all the checks and balances and hypotheses weighed and considered.

For my first IVF, I was part of a PGD study and that entailed a huge amount of blood work on mine and my husband’s part. I never even knew what all was tested,I do remember that it was a lot of vials of blood. Perhaps, that is the one thing that was good about IVF#1 - the $8,000 worth of blood work.

Most of the blood tests have already been done and guess what!!!!!!! My husband and I passed with FLYING colors!!!!!!!!!! There is not a hint of a problem……..except……..we all know………..that “age is a factor“.

I told Dr. Next that I was tired of being the blame and although I am a broken record, my grandmother had my mother at 46 and my father and his fraternal twin were born when that grandmother was 39. My heredity and all of my tests, FSH etc….are excellent and that is what drives me crazy…………..to get the blame. I am sick of it.

Dr. Next is a very smart man and said that maybe it is something unknown, maybe it is something in M.’s sperm, but right now, it is the eggs, 90% of the time.

So, there I am, sitting at a little round table with Dr. Next holding my life chart in his hands and although I already know that I am going to do an IVF#4, I am not feeling positive. So, what if I get another amazingly perfect round and what if it means nothing again? What if all of this is for naught??

So, let’s say, I have seven excellent, beautiful embryos and they transfer the mother load again………….the load that makes most people go “hmmmmmm”…….

I have no new information that makes me feel better about IVF#4, even if I have ten excellent embryos next time and they transfer all tenmuchotuplets, what are the odds of ME having a baby from that????

So, it got me to thinking and then I said things out loud to Dr. Next. Things, that perhaps, should have been left unsaid.

“Do you have an embryo adoption program and how does that work?” I heard myself ask.

“Yes, we have a few couples who have requested that their embryos be adopted.”

“So, have you ever transferred……….say………..seven embryos from primary couple A and a couple of thawed embryos just in case from adopted couple B?”

“At the same time?” He asked.

“Yes, all at the same time.” I answered.

“No. We have never done that.” Dr. Next was pausing a bit as he spoke.

“So, what do you think of me trying that? Even if we get seven excellent embryos? I know this is my last shot at becoming pregnant…………what if we had an adoptive frozen embryo transfer mixed in with my fresh cycle?” I was surprised at my calm while asking this question.

Dr. Next took a few minutes to think this over.

The room was silent…………and…………….I waited.

“I think that is a viable option for you.” He finally spoke.

Now, what happens with frozen embryos is that they are either saved for another round, donated for scientific research or they can be frozen for adoption. The worst option is that they expire (in my opinion).

Every couple/person has their logic for their choices and it is none of my business where personal preferences lie for someone else.

I told M. about my idea tonight before dinner. He said that he needed to think of that for a few days before he could give me an answer. Frankly, I was shocked that he didn’t tell me that I am crazy.

There are many pluses and minuses running through my mind that I am not ready to verbalize yet. It has to do with weighing pregnant birth mother vs. pregnant me and how I will care for myself and the embryo selection at my RE clinic versus general adoption options for us, not to mention, what if it finally works for us, IVF#4? We could do a FET adoption in the future, it doesn’t have to be at the same time as IVF#4……..and on and on and on…….




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, May 23 2005 1:38 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
My Coming Out Party
By Julianna on Psych 101

WARNING: I am sounding a little Donald Trumpy “my glorious husband”, “our magnificent anniversary”, “the amazingly beautiful weather”, “fantastic weekend full of wonderful wine event activities“……….and, get this: “my WAY KOOL psychologist“……

…so much to say and I don’t have enough good adjectives for once.

There is an awesome, once-a-year wine event that is being held this weekend so I am excited about our social plans through to Sunday night. All of the wineries in the area have amazing food pairings and usually bands or some kind of musical entertainment and of course, their wines and even some barrel tastings and tours. You have to buy a “passport” and each winery stamps your passport for entry, I think each passport costs around $50.00 which is ridiculously cheap for a weekend full of fun. Usually, large groups rent limo’s to go from winery to winery and the weather is going to be spectacular so I am expecting only good things.

Michael and I had a wonderful anniversary and I do fall more in love with him every week. He is my granite.

I had my first session with my Psychologist and I think I am going to call him Dr. Kool (like “Kool and The Gang” cool) - we Kool? I wasn’t expecting to get much in other than “parents divorced, two sisters - all one year apart - I am in the middle, married late - issues with men probably the cause………”

Instead, there was none of that except for the times that I threw it out there because I thought he must need to know those things. His office is on my favorite street EVER in a city near me where millions of tourists come and go…..gorgeous cottages and boutique stores and fantastic restaurants and the street ends at the Pacific Ocean and you can see Pebble Beach off to the right, so, this is a calm, relaxing beautiful environment for me to get some mental help. I had a magnificent lunch at an Italian restaurant, sitting outside watching all the tourists whilst sipping my wine and the waiters were catering to my every whim. That will be my “after therapy” lunch place from now on. I have it all planned. Therapy at 10:00, window shopping and walking the beautiful street and then my magnificent lunch at noon. This will be my favorite day of the week.

So, his office has three upholstered comfy, rocking type chairs that are in a circular type pattern in the middle of the room. A side table is against the wall, but nothing to determine where his seat is, so I got a little self-conscious and wondered where I should sit and what that says about me…..I didn’t want to sit in his seat but it wasn’t obvious where the dominant chair is, so I sat in the furthest chair from the door and he sat where I thought he would, closest to the door but his back to it, feeling rather proud and comfortable with my decision, I decided to let him speak first. I am such a blabber mouth (hello! amyesq), that I need to check myself, hell, I am paying by the minute so my rambling could get very expensive in that little room.

Dr. Kool had a pen and paper and his first question was “what’s today’s date?”.

“I have no idea.” I said, as I went to grab my purse to find a calendar that I know is on my check book.

“Is it the 19th or the 18th?” He was watching me as I was reaching for my purse, on the floor.

“Look, I know who the President is and even who the Vice President is, which is more than I can say for most people, but I have absolutely no idea what the date is today. I have not even changed into my 2005 calendar yet, so if this is some sort of test, I suppose, you are alarmed.” I said.

“No! This is not some sort of test! I really don’t know what the date is either.” He was chuckling (not quite laughing out loud).

“Let’s just call it the 19th then.” I said and I was laughing out loud.

“Yes, it is whatever day we want it to be, the 19th or 18th, it doesn’t matter.” He wrote some date at the top of his paper.

Dr. Kool said that, yes, indeed, I was depressed - that when you think of the past, that is where depression lies and if you think of the future, that is where anxiety can be found.

The key is to live in the now, the moment. We are okay right now, this second, all I have right now is myself and this keyboard and perhaps you have me at this very second, my words at least……..we are KOOL. Right now, isn’t it lovely? If I think of the “Now”, then I should be better than when I am constantly thinking and living in the failure of the past, that serves me no purpose.

I am completely simplifying what he told me but I do like him. My goal is to be happy, I don’t care how I get there, I want to live a happy life.

Dr. Kool said that many therapists believe that if you tell them your mind script, they can tell you what will happen to you and even how you will die. He said that he would imagine that I have been telling myself “I will never have a child” and that is a broken record that needs to be broken inside my sub-conscious.

Wow. He is right. That is something that runs through my mind constantly and it has for years: “I am never going to have a family.” I also used to say in my mind a lot: “I will never get married and have a family”, so at least I did get married but I do remember making a concentrated effort in meeting a man and marrying him the year that I met Michael.

Dr. Kool wants to use some techniques that are getting great responses in Texas for cancer patients. From what I could gather, it is about visualization and healing thoughts and the cancer patients who have been undergoing the hypnosis therapy have had amazing results compared to the controlled group. So, Dr. Kool thinks that it won’t hurt to try some of those techniques on me. Hell, I am up for anything.

My exercises for the week are to try to think in the “now”, even starting sentences in my head with “now, …..” and that should help me get out of the depressing thoughts of the past and I can already tell it is helping.

Dr. Kool also stopped me in my tracks when I talked about all of this being my fault. He asked who said that and I said that really no one, but the only answer is “age is a factor” and that means it is my fault. He said that it doesn’t matter if it is the environments fault or sperms fault or eggs fault or no fault…….he also said that I don’t know that this is my only chance or my last chance or that Michael will never adopt……….we only know what is happening right now and thinking of everything else that is yet to be determined serves me no purpose whatsoever.

I also think that I put too much pressure on myself, if I think “this is it……….this is my only chance…etc….”

He also said that if I am told to “relax” or “not think of asparagus”, the only thing that I will be thinking about is asparagus spears, steamed asparagus, asparagus casserole………..and the same with “relax”……am I relaxing?, just relax, am I relaxed really?……………until it is impossible to really, REALLY relax.

So, that is my therapy session. We got a lot in that first hour, no?

I am going to keep track of my sessions and exercises here and categorize them for my own research. One smart crack comment about my mental therapy exercises or sessions and your IP address and location will be prominately displayed and I will out you as a HUGE ASSHOLE because this is serious for me and I am being vulnerable here.

I have nothing to lose. We KOOL?




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, May 21 2005 1:58 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Standing Eight Count
By Julianna on IVF#4

I do feel beaten.

I picture myself with gloves strapped on hands in the boxing ring after round three and although each round started with promise, the final seconds resulted in devastating body blows.

This round three has resulted in me on the mat with the wind knocked out of me and my mouthpiece missing and a haze and confusion in my mind. I cannot make sense of anything and the referee is standing over me, yelling something in my face that I cannot make out and I hear cheers and then, before the “eight” and after the “seven”, my husband comes to my rescue and picks me up and puts his mouth to my ear and yells to me how strong I am and that I am his “warrior princess” and that I will be okay and that he is “ohhhhhh so proud of me“……….

As this match has progressed, the blows hurt worse and worse.

Truly, it does. Round three hurt much worse than round one IVF.

Now, I am reasonably intelligent and I am trying to make sense of this scientific experiment.

I had full faith in Dr. Next and felt the promise of success.

A man has his sperm tested and once he has passed, it is never re-visited.

I do not buy the bullshit synopsis of my failure to get pregnant………..does the last positive beta count? ……………..sad as it was?

What is wrong?

What is our problem?

My husband and I are going to celebrate our 4th wedding anniversary this Thursday, the 19th of May.

I wasn’t alarmed the first year after not getting pregnant because M. traveled a lot and my doctor said not to worry……..so, I just figured it would happen the second year and I would try to time everything better.

The second year anniversary left us in a magnificent Bed and Breakfast and I started my period that very day when I sooooo hoped that I could give M. a nice present.

I often thought of how I would tell him that I was pregnant and what I settled on, because of our routines and habits is that I would cook his favorite meal…………meatloaf and mashed potatoes………..and I would serve it with a baby spoon as his utensil…………..when he saw that little baby spoon on his plate, he would automatically know and then I pictured us both crying and being ohhhhh soooo haaapppppyyyyy forever and ever as long as we both …………

Sorry, I got carried away there.

I have to try to make sense of all the tests and experiments…………M. has spent close to $100,000.– on our little expedition and it would be nice to have some answers.

Our insurance covers ZERO in infertility. I am actually jealous of those who have some kind of coverage.

I would fucking ruin my ovaries and uterus if my insurance would cover the expenses.

Hell, I may be ruining myself anyway…………time will tell.

So, the facts are that I am 41 and have been trying to conceive since I was 37………every single test has shown that there is nothing wrong, with the exception of a supposed minor motility factor that everyone says has absolutely no bearing on the other sperm fertilizing an egg………..every single test has been promising.

I almost wish I had a problem - A diagnosis.

My FSH is very good……………in the 3.4 range until the recent 5.7 range which is still considered excellent.

Every doctor that has examined, ultrasounded, laparoscopied me and probed and prodded me has commented on my healthy follicles and uterine lining and general promise of success and then when it never happens, I am left with “age is a factor”.

So, why the hell do they test for FSH and follicles and ovarian response and laparoscopy and x-rays and lupron challenges when it really doesn’t matter when one passes with flying colors????

Every single fucking test that I have subjected myself to has resulted in resounding praise and accolade and yet I am left with the blame…………..”we know that age is a factor“………………………..I get rather pissed off at having to take the burden of the failure.

Something is amiss, something that is unknown that perhaps will be known later.

I do know that implantation occurring is a huge step, but hell, so is fertilization and embryo quality.

Am I killing my embryos? I think not.

I am trying to figure this out and help me if you can, but IVF#1 revealed ZERO fertilization and rescue ICSI did miraculous things with those 11 eggs in that 9 fertilized in that desperate attempt.

There is a clue there somewhere. The eggs could have too thick of a shell or the sperm may not have the extra kick to get through………….with ICSI help, my eggs seem to be very responsive.

IVF#2 had 17 eggs and so many beautiful embryos on day 3 that Stanford pushed it to day 5 blatocysts………..surely out of the eleven embryos, something would work this time. When I saw that only one blastocyst looked as beautiful as it should have, I felt uneasy and the negative beta hurt.

Is there really something wrong with the quality of my eggs?????

IVF#3 had 14 eggs but only 7 fertilized and when I heard that only one was 8 celled on day 3, I was a bit concerned but given that the ICSI was performed late in the afternoon on day 1, counting cells early morning on day 3 wasn’t quite fair to the little boogers trying make a life for themselves in the little petri dish so I convinced myself that everything was going to be okay.

Is it just a numbers game?

M. and I believe that if we had 20 IVFs, it is a certainty that we would have a baby……….a “live birth”.

In the meantime, I am getting my ass kicked.

So, back to the ring………..I am not seeing as many stars and my knees are not quite as wobbly and I think I may be able to try to stand up………..my eyes are swollen and I am black and blue but my husband is grabbing me under my arms to give me extra support so that I don’t fall and while he is giving me encouragement, I think that I heard him say something and I have to look at his lips and then I ask him to repeat what he said and then it is clear……………….

“we need to go one more round”

I tell him that I am not sure that I will succeed and he says that we gain nothing by not trying and he is right.

We gain nothing by not trying.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, May 16 2005 4:43 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Bad Place
By Julianna on IVF#3

I would like to thank everyone for the love and support and kind words. It made it easier to breathe.

I have learned many things this past week.

The pain gets worse, exponentially, with each try. At least, that is my experience.

It is a bit like being at the craps table and the first all-in bet doesn’t hurt nearly as much as the third and final go-for-broke gamble. It also doesn’t matter what my mindset is or how I try to manipulate some sort of cushion for myself. Nothing can cover up that deep longing for a child and the deep pain of the failure after trying so hard so many times.

If I ever did manage to win, it would have all been worth it but since it all failed so miserably, it appears that I should have quit while I was ahead. I don’t even know when that would have been - the being ahead.

Knowing that this was it and having absolutely no hope is what sent me over the edge. Yes, I went over the edge.

I actually didn’t eat for two whole days, which if you knew me, well, let’s just say, you would have been concerned. I found that you aren’t even hungry after awhile. I was smart enough to force water occasionally.

I have been completely inconsolable. Apparently, word got around within my family unit as my phone kept ringing and relatives kept insisting on talking some sense into me. I would hold the receiver to my ear and say affirmative sounds until I could get off the phone. I heard over and over that I need to find a church here and that I need to get some counseling.

I did find the latter and have my first appointment next Thursday. I rather enjoy therapy and am pretty good at getting down to my honest roots of pain and truth. We’ll see what Dr. Behappy makes of my mess.

My apologies to Henry’sDad who was kind enough to offer his amazing services. I just didn’t want to be such a huge burden 6,000 miles away.

Blogging is a strange phenomenon. When I first thought of blogging, I thought, “do I really want to pour my heart and soul out to strangers, millions of people out there in cyberland” and then, once you start a blog, you realize that no one is reading your mess anyway so there was no need to fret. Then, as you get an audience, most people read and don’t comment so it leaves the blogger more self-conscious. The trick is writing and not worrying about the failure of a bad entry. For me, as much as I hate to give them credence, the trolls are what make me want to quit. I absolutely despise the thought of writing about my heartache and then imagining that someone, another breathing, human being, is reading my painful paragraphs and rubbing their hands together with a gleeful smile on their face. How is it possible to hate someone so much? Someone you’ve never met? I do hate to reveal that tender place inside of me to everyone. I feel a bit protective of that hurt little girl inside of me.

Why do we blog? For me, it is like therapy even though I cannot go back and read my archives. It’s a bit like being a boxer on “The Contender” and looking back at the filmed shows and realizing that you sucked so bad all along and never even should have participated. Some of those people on that show have to feel that way. There has to be a part inside of them that realizes they never stood a chance and they made a fool of themselves.

I do know that the support and camaraderie here is unsurpassed in real life. To feel so completely held up by strangers is an amazing reward for putting oneself out there. I often wonder about the bloggers who write to no one there. I wish I could read everyone and comment frequently, to let them know that it is all not in vain.

The infertility blog world is a good place when you are trying or have succeeded but it is a terrible place when you have failed. Anyone who has come to the end of their rope, knows what I am talking about.

This past week, I found myself not capable of much more than sleeping and staring at the cathedral ceiling in my bedroom and wondering about such things as what in the hell made the contractor put the three vents exactly where he put them and if it were up to me, I would have been much more clever about it.

This morning, my husband held me for several hours and watched me stare at that ceiling and then, he cried. Then, we both cried for what seemed like all morning and I peeled the layers of myself until I got down to the source of my despair. It is completely not okay with me to never be a mother. I cannot surrender.

It is my nature to be a mother. I married a man who never thought much of having children and has jumped through amazing hoops to help me reach my goal. If I were married to another kind of man, I could see myself having many children by whatever means necessary and loving them endlessly but I’m not married to a man like that. He cannot wrap his arms around adoption and it is not fair for me to demand more of him. Marriage is not simple sometimes. He is a wonderful man and has given me so much but is not ready to give me the adoption nod and I have to be okay with that right now.

This is all rambling and nonsense but it reflects my mental state at the moment.

This afternoon, M. took me to my favorite restaurant in Carmel and we sat and watched the waves crash on the rocks and I was able to talk about things, stupid things, but things that had nothing to do with pain and I feel that we took a step forward.

So, I guess I am making progress.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, May 14 2005 1:29 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
It Is All Completely Over
By Julianna on IVF#3

Happy Mother’s Day to me.

The End.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, May 8 2005 11:58 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
8 is my Beta
By Julianna on IVF#3

One big happy mind fuck………yep……….that’s what it is.

For anyone who is still trying to get pregnant, I learned some valuable information yesterday from a live-in nurse of one of my relatives. She said that this was a sure thing for getting pregnant. Get pen and pad ready. This is guaranteed to work. Get a baby’s wet dirty diaper and put it under your bed and then put a Viagra pill in your vagina. She didn’t even mention anything about sex.

Back to my hell, this may be an ectopic and time will tell. If I get severe pain on one side and dizziness or weakness, I am to go straight to the emergency room. In the meantime, Dr. Next will see me first thing Tuesday morning when I get back to California.

Nothing more to do here except possibly get rushed to the ER and Michael said that would just be the perfect ending.

How much do you want to bet that methotrexate is illegal in South Carolina? There are still Blue Laws here on Sundays (you can only buy certain items, no wine, beer or panty hose even - only necessary items). That would be fitting.

I think I am in shock and completely numb again. I may lose it again tonight but right now, I think it is quite humorous.

I mean really.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, May 4 2005 4:43 AM Updated: Wed, May 4 2005 2:16 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Hope Is Waving Bye In The Woods
By Julianna on IVF#3

So, I guess I will continue to purge here until the fat lady has sung loudly enough to bowl me over.

I don’t think there is a way to prepare. I tried to be more scientific minded and even went on this little vacation for this IVF. In the end, the pain is the same.

Thank you so much for the support, it helps tremendously. I can only access one email account (the one here) so I am sorry if I have not responded. I have been getting great advice and was told to do the HPT this morning. That sometimes the lab doesn’t spin the blood long enough and the FRED should pick up anything 15 or higher.

There was absolutely no second line.

I am going to replay the blood work again tomorrow and I expect bad news.

An ectopic pregnancy would be a nice, fitting end to these four years of infertility hell. Yes, that would be appropriate.

I don’t even know what betas and ectopic signs are and frankly, if it kills me, I really don’t care right now.

I am at the bottom, people. It is not pretty.

My mother wanted to give me some tylenol pm last night to help me sleep. I didn’t take it. I cried myself to sleep and then woke up at 5:00 to piss on my last HPT and then cried again for another 2 hours until I fell back asleep.

My mother and I are going to visit relatives in the low country today so at least I will be busy. Since my mother has told everyone, everyone is asking and calling and my mother says “it is inconclusive and we need a lot of prayers”. Poor her.

She actually wants me to go by her church today to meet her preacher and I know why, she wants him to actually pray on me. That makes me uncomfortable but it is a regional tradition and it is with the best of intentions.

What I am afraid of, is that I will let the flood gates open I won’t be able to stop for awhile.

I am a firm believer in “feel your feeling when you feel them” but I just can’t go to that place right now. I am afraid that it will suck me in and keep me.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, May 2 2005 11:18 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
5 is my Beta
By Julianna on IVF#3

11 dp 3 dt

I am waiting to hear from Dr. Next

I don’t think this is good

What kind of fresh hell is this? Beta LESS than 5 means not pregnant



http://fertilethoughts.net/ft/pregnancy/betachart.html

It gets worse, i’m googling while waiting for Dr. Next to call with the bad news.

This is a better chart. I am 11 dpt; 14 dpr

***It’s been almost one hour and I am still waiting for Dr. Next to call.

I did just have my first cigarette in about a year and I want a glass of wine AND some sweet tea.

I was expecting to either type “no” or “I’M PREGNANT!!!” , never a sad 5 number that only prolongs my agony.

My sweet mother is still so positive. She needs to know the truth.

I am numb. Completely numb.

**** Okay. Dr. Next just called. This is what he said:

He was expecting to see a level in the 50 range and 5 is not good. He wants me to re-do the test on Wednesday and is hoping for some kind of rise in the levels. He said that this means that some type of implantation has occured which is good news but the level is very low unless some kind of late implantation happened but that this is not good for any kind of healthy, ongoing pregnancy right now, unless some really nice rise happens on Wednesday. He told me to hang in there.

I asked if he had a rope.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, May 2 2005 4:46 AM Updated: Mon, May 2 2005 2:03 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Still Waiting
By Julianna on IVF#3

I don’t know who is more nervous, me or my mother.

It should ring any moment now.

I’ll post as soon as I hear.

Ready for it to be over.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, May 2 2005 3:23 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Tic Toc
By Julianna on IVF#3

“Nights are always worse“, that’s what my momma always said.

For the past several nights, I have stayed awake from about 2:00 - 4:00 in the morning. That is when everything catches up to me. I finally drift back to sleep and then feel ready for a new day when I wake up.

I looked at that HPT in my make-up kit yesterday and thought I’d play it by ear this morning. When I think of pulling it out and opening it up, there is an immediate sick feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I have never had a good experience with a HPT so it is like touching something hot and knowing the sensation without having to actually do it. I’d rather saturate a thermometer and watch to see if anything interesting happens in three minutes.

Every single month for almost four years, I have had symptoms and if anyone tells me a symptom, I get that one the next month. Sure, my breasts have shooting pains every so often and my uterine cramps have subsided and I am still so very tired. I could take a nap every day.

There is only so much you can flower over with vacations and plans and trips, all of it is still under the surface and that is what I deal with in the wee hours of the morning.

I try to make a plan. I need plans. If it is wonderful news, I will gloat and be so incredibly filled with joy and happiness for a day or so. If it is the usual news, it is the end of my world as I know it.

I cannot do this anymore. To me. To my husband. To my marriage. To my family and friends. I will need to find a way to pack my bags and leave this infertility hell.

I want to be happy. I will need to find the answer.

I so completely dread the bottom falling out again tomorrow. It actually makes me nauseous if I let myself think about it.

So, it’s daylight now and I will keep busy. I will go find more shark’s teeth and give them to children that I pass on the beach. Then, it is back to South Carolina and the final night of unrest before D-Day.

I am scared of the pain. So. incredibly. scared. of. the. pain.

In the meantime, I’ll just keep busy and know that somehow, I’ll be okay.

I still love “bon ton” as an adjective and thank you to everyone who told me where it originated - y’all are so smaut!

My sisters and aunt are ferocious readers. I have never been much of a reader and couldn’t tell you the last book I read. I did buy “French Women Don’t Get Fat” about 3 months ago and I am on page 12. My family used to go on scuba diving trips to magnificent islands and my sisters, especially J., would read the entire time. She could have been home in her living room for God’s sake.

So, today, we’ll go to the beach club and lay around on chaise lounges and I’ll watch the birds and hear the waves and people watch while my sister finds out all about “The Red Tent”.

I’d rather live a book than read a book. To each, his own.

I hear the clock ticking like on that television show “24″ and it is starting to get loud.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, May 1 2005 12:26 AM Updated: Sun, May 1 2005 8:58 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Bon Tawn & Marathons
By Julianna on IVF#3

So, I learned a new word, well, phrase I suppose - Bon Tawn. I’m spelling it the way it is pronounced and it just means hoity-toity. Like, my Aunt is so bon tawn, especially with her Jackie O sunglasses. This country club should be named Bon Tawn with all of the fancy smancies around here. Since I can still only fit into a select group of sweats, I do not pass mustard around these parts.

I am getting ready to go walk on the beach to get shark’s teeth. Once you spot one, the rest are easy to find. They have a certain triangle shape to them and a certain glossy finish. It should come as no surprise that this is where I was attacked by the baby shark last July.

When walking to the beach, I have to cross a little wooden bridge that goes over a swamp area that usually has several alligators within view. Once, I had my digital camera zoomed in on an alligator and it went to jump and eat something but in my view finder it looked like it was coming at me and I screamed bloody murder so I won’t be taking any pictures of alligators again.

I forget about the lizards too. There are so many lizards in Florida.

As far as food goes, I love Krystal. I heard they are a lot like White Castle but I have never eaten there. Krystal burgers are teeny, tiny and so incredibly fresh, the bread is almost soggy from the freshness. I love them.

We mainly eat at the country club here and they do have a good Caesar salad. It’s nice to eat on the deck and hear the waves crashing.

The weather is perfect. It is supposed to rain tomorrow afternoon but these Southern storms are usually fast. They come fast and violently sometimes, but they leave just as quickly. It’s good for the skin, all this humidity.

About those quintuplets, it couldn’t happen at a worse time for me. Of course, everyone here thinks that I should have let my sister put some embryos in her instead of the whole litter being put in me but this is where IVF gets so incredibly complex and no two cases are the same.

In the end, it has to come down to what my husband and I have decided, along with the advice of our doctor and it is up to us to make educated decisions. I have already blogged about why we chose to put all 7 in me, mainly because of my past atrocious history.

I”ve never heard of some embryos being put in the mother and some in her sister and frankly, I thought my mother was silly to be so insistant about it. The logistics of working something like that out are just too complicated and of course, I didn’t want to assume I would have that many good embryos as that seems to always jinx things for me.

The reality is this: if I don’t get pregnant, I won’t hear another word about my decision to place all 7 because it will be evident that it was the right decision; same thing if I get pregnant with a singleton and even twins. I’ll then hear “ohhh, aren’t you glad you put all 7 in!” Now, on the other hand, let’s say that some freak of nature takes place and for some reason I am left with a medical disaster, then I will hear about how terrible and stupid and selfish I was to put all of them in me. For others, it is in the outcome that decides whether I made the right decision where, for me, I have to be certain of my decision and all of the consequences of my actions no matter what the outcome and I am fully prepared to deal with whatever comes my way.

This is why IVF is so incredibly complicated, complex and personal. No two couples are alike and each has to make the decision that is best for them.

I am completely comfortable with my decision and I hope that for once, I get a miracle.

If I happen to get a positive beta, it is only the beginning of a very long 9 month journey that could end the next week or several months or 6 months. My nephew was born 3 months prematurely and weighed 1 lb 9 oz at birth and was in the NICU for 4 months and needed extensive treatment for the first year of his life, so, I am fully aware of what can happen even to a young 26 year old with a perfect pregnancy.

This is the end of my infertility marathon. I have been in this race for four very long years. I am no longer running and I will not cross the finish line with my arms up in the air and a big smile on my face. I am crawling, I am beaten, and I need air. Either I will cross this finish line and collapse for a very long time or I may cross this finish line and get more courage and strength to begin the next journey but right now, I have to take it one day at a time.

Now, let me go cross over some alligators and find me some shark’s teeth.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Apr 29 2005 5:21 AM Updated: Fri, Apr 29 2005 3:57 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Is That A Little Something, Maybe?
By Julianna on IVF#3

Ummm, my breasts can start hurting me any moment now. I am still a bit crampy but I feel that is a good sign, I invision the emsepbryos getting nestled in their bed.

I am very tired, took a 3 hour nap yesterday but I don’t know if that is from jet lag or laziness, could be either.

My sister J. and I are driving to Florida today and I am excited to see my other sister and my Aunt Mary Alice (who is better known here on my blog as the deviled egg Aunt). They live at the beach and it is always very relaxing and even a bit decadent. We spend a lot of time at the country club and I may even try to play a little golf. Golf is not at all strenuous for me and it will make me happy. This trip is all about me, Me, ME.

I wish time would stand still. I am in such a good place right now. I completely dread Monday. I don’t even want to think about it. This must be some type of protective mechanism.

The weather is gorgeous, the azaleas are stunning and it should be nice in Florida. It will take us about 4 hours to get there and that is nothing compared to what I am used to. When I go to my doctor in California, it is 4 hours round trip and here, I will be two states away. Granted, we will be at the northern end of Florida, but still. (wow, that is a record for number of dangling participles in one paragraph)

I am getting along splendidly with my family. I usually have drama about 3 days into my trips but so far, so good.

I do find it hard to be so polite, to drive nice, to not beep my horn, to not cuss at the cars ahead of me. My mother even slows down when she is approaching a green light just in case she can catch it turning yellow. It used to really try my patience.

I am just grateful for being here and spending time with everyone.

I am at J’s house right now and we are leaving in a bit. I cannot describe how difficult it is to post at my mother’s house. Their computer is so eaten up with diseases and viruses, it needs to be put to rest.

I haven’t been able to keep up with the blogworld, I hope all is well.

Wish you were here, instead you get this lousy blog post.

What’s that? A twinge? In my right breast ? probably not. What’s that? A little nausea? Morning sickness? it couldn’t be from the two Chick-Fil-A biscuits I woofed down in a matter of minutes……no, that can’t be it.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Apr 27 2005 11:13 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Ahhhhhhh Oxygen
By Julianna on IVF#3

Every time I fly over South Carolina, I am awed by the vastness of the trees and the forests. Clearings are made for neighborhoods or farms and the rest is thick forests of pine trees and oaks. The crickets and frogs and birds sound different here also. This is good for my skin and my soul.

I think I was called “sugah” about 10 times today, “darlin‘ ” about 10 times today, “sweetie” and “sweetheart” about 5 times today and “precious” once. Nobody needs names in the South.

I miss my sweet tea. There is a country song : “On The Eighth Day, God Made Sweet Tea” and it is the truth. My mother never could make good sweet tea and therefore, I never could either. For some reason, Bojangles and Chick-Fil-A are even able to master the craft. There is no such thing as de-caffeinated sweet tea so I am out of luck and that is rough.

My sweet mother picked me up at the airport and after riding around in circles for the 30 minutes my flight was delayed, she was quite pleased to see me at the curb. We had a two hour drive home so she needed to eat and we stopped at Wendy’s. They make good sweet tea too. Did I mention that I love sweet tea? I ate chili fries instead which is a stupid thing to eat because I can eat that in California. My mother is so sweet, she leaves a dollar for the cashiers at fast food restaurants. I watched the cashier wonder what the dollar was for and when my mother said it was because she was doing such a good job, the cashier proudly put it in her pocket. Now, really, what is she going to do with a dollar? The dollar brought such a smile to that girl’s face, perhaps I need to re-think my position on that.

I will be talking about food a lot because I miss so many things.

This morning, I went to a restaurant called “Lizard’s Thicket” and ate country ham and grits with de-caf coffee. It was really good.

I ran into about 4 people who know me there and my mother told me to tell them that I have been on medication (so they would not wonder why I have gained weight). Appearance is extremely important here and I would never leave my mother’s house without looking presentable. Hell, the ladies here have matching purses and shoes with their outfits so my no make-up and pony tail and sweats is disgraceful in these parts.

My mother also said, “your hair is dark, are you going to leave it like that? Uncolored?” That is her way of saying that she wishes I would put more blonde in my hair.

I am having a lovely time, this evening my sister and nephew came over and we all had a wonder time visiting with each other.

Last night, in the middle of the night, I was awakened (?) with cramps and thought that this was it but I have absolutely no bleeding. These were definite uterine cramps and not my ovaries like I have felt so many times before.

My beta is at 11:00 on Monday and the nurse said that they would TRY to get the results that day. I told her that I HAD to have them that day, four years, three IVFs, I need to know ASAP. She put me on hold and said that she thought if they put a rush on it, I could know by the end of the day. I friggin’ better.

That’s another thing, well, several things.

1. I didn’t know that because I changed my theme to the tulip that was the default for everyone else. Just remember, you can go over to themes and change this to your liking.

2. I have NO spell check on Word Press. Usually, I copy and paste to email and check spelling that way but I can’t access my email so now y’all will have to figure out my spelling puzzles.

3. I cuss WAY too much. I had to stop myself so many times from saying foul words in the car with my mother. “Shit” is very bad and not tolerated………”damn” is not good but “damnation” is acceptable although still not nice. I can’t even type the “eff word” here.

4. I am SO glad that I came on vacation during my 2 ww. I am very comfortable and cozy and loved. Michael is out of town during the next two weeks, so this is perfect. At all costs, I am not going to have a repeat of IVF#2 (all alone for several days after getting the heartbreaking news).

I am going to a family get-together in Florida this Thursday - Sunday to visit my father’s side of the family and my older sister. They all live near St. Augustine at a place called Sawgrass that has awesome golf (if I play, I will be taking it easy of course).

So, time should fly by until Monday.

Honestly, I don’t want a beta. I don’t want to know. I want to be just like this, right now, with happiness and hope.

I hate it when the world opens up under me and swallows me whole.

There is this wonderful lady that I am going to meet while I am here. I hate to say that she is a “lurker” on my blog because that sounds so rude. She has commented a few times and happens to live near my mother. She sent me the most adorable picture of her family. She has two beautiful daughters who were born in China and she even has a little dog a little older than my little Chelsea Belle. I can’t wait to meet her and hear her story.

Speaking of my little Chelsea Belle. My mother said that she wouldn’t give a plugged nickle for her to still be alive. She has Cushing’s Disease, congestive heart failure, fluid around her lungs, and high blood pressure (I’ve never seen a little doggie blood pressure cuff). I added her picture to my little flickr slide show in the side bar and it appears in most of the themes. She doesn’t look like that anymore. At Thanksgiving, she did, except for a lighter colored nose, but now, a mere 5 months later, she looks very old. She is at my feet right now snoring. I love this dog and am so glad I can spend time with her before she passes away. She is 13 years old.

I feel that I have written a book. My mother still has this awful “about blank” virus and it is almost impossible to post. It is past midnight here and I need to get some sleep.

I hope everyone is faring well out there in blogland.

I leave you with a sloppy recipe. I still need to finish my recipe section of my blog, I will one day, maybe.

Tomato Pie

Buy a regular frozen ready made pie crust (not graham cracker)
Fresh garden tomatoes cut up in cube type pieces (1 inch or so)
Fresh Basil chopped up
Mayonnaise (even fat free will do)
Shredded Cheese (Mexican 4 flavor combo is best)
Salt and Pepper

Preheat oven to 325

Layer tomato on bottom of pie crust
Knife Mayonnaise on tomato layer
Add fresh basil layer
Salt and Pepper
Add cheese layer
Repeat with tomato layer, then mayo, then basil, salt, pepper, cheese

keep layering until finished with cheese topping.

place in oven for 30 - 40 minutes, cheese will be browned on top

slice and enjoy

Note: it can be a bit runny if you don’t drain the tomato pieces well, but it is even good runny.

It is easy and wonderful!!!

Have a nice week.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Apr 26 2005 12:03 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Full Glasses
By Julianna on IVF#3

Right now, I am very happy.

I always get very excited about going back to visit my family and today is jam packed with preparations for my 2 week stay. One week after I get there, I’ll know if any of my emsepbryos liked me enough to stay a while, I am hoping to feel SOMETHING today in the way of implantation cramping - please, just a little something.

In my roller coaster of life, this is when I am at a high, after transfer and waiting for the beta. The fall hurts worse from up here.

So, I am sucking the blood out of this moment. I have Hope here and she is getting on the plane with me in the morning, but this is a more quiet Hope, a shy Hope.

I have been very sad since my last IVF failed and this is the only thing that brings me out of that mud.

If this doesn’t work, I need to figure out a way to carry on, to be happy in my life. The choice is up to me. I do not want to be sad any longer.

Things are going well right now. You know, how sometimes you can be in a funk and nothing goes right but other times, things just fall into place. I am in a good place.

My neighbor’s gorgeous Golden Retriever ruined my front yard a few days ago. I wish I had a picture, you wouldn’t believe it. We live on a golf course and gophers are very common here. I usually get a gopher man to come lay his poison when I start to see plants disappear. Well, my neighbor’s dog beat him to it. He smelled a gopher in my front yard and tore it up! No, really. He tore it up! Not only is my grass gone is large chunks, but there are several divots at least a foot deep. Not to mention, my former flower bed. Damn, he must have been having fun. I walked outside after hearing voices and it was my neighbor and her 10 year old son trying to rake the mess. She didn’t think anyone was home and literally jumped when I walked out the front door.

She apologized profusely, was mortified by the sight of my yard when she got home from work and was frantically trying to make order of the disaster.

You wouldn’t believe what she does for a living.

I’ll give you a minute.

It is truly unbelievable.

She has her Doctorate in flower and plant genealogy AND her company just finished a 2 week presentation of all of their new species of flowers and plants.

So, this time of year, she always brings home tons of amazing flowers because they don’t sell what they showcase. Companies from all over the world come to look at their amazing plants and place their orders for the coming season (Home Depot etc…) so the flowers have to be at peak and gorgeous.

The timing could not be better.

Guess what she is doing.

Yep.

She has gardeners coming over here today to re-sod my yard and plant flowers. They brought all of the flowers over yesterday and it is a TON and they are AMAZING! My yard is going to look more gorgeous than it ever did before. (the pictures on my blog are of my back yard - not front)

How lucky is that?

To have my yard torn up by the perfect dog at the perfect time of year.

Yep, I am grateful.

I have a ton to do today: pack, return phone calls, get rid of paper clutter on a table, have lunch with a girlfriend and then spend the evening with my husband, all the while, gardeners will be making my yard beautiful.

I’m in a good place, I am enjoying it here.

I will post from my mother’s house regularly. My beta is May 2nd. Somehow, a HPT got in my suitcase, only one, and it will be calling my name in my sleep, begging me to take advantage of its lovliness.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Apr 24 2005 1:13 AM Updated: Sun, Apr 24 2005 6:03 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Should I Be Alarmed?
By Julianna on IVF#3

Why is it that when I do an internet search of “7 embryos transferred”, I am mainly getting information on cows, pigs and horses? yikes




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Apr 23 2005 12:00 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
My Ass Hurts
By Julianna on IVF#3

My house is sooooooo clean. Four people came over today and they were here for over 4 hours, I should either be impressed with their hard work, or embarrassed by my filth.

I think they thought I was a lazy white bitch as I layed around and sipped on my bottled water while they cleaned my dust.

Dr. Next doesn’t require 3 days of bed rest. He says to carry on unrestricted.

“Can I have a glass of wine?” I asked.
“No.” he said. “Not until the third trimester.” this was when I was looking behind me to see if someone else had snuck into the room. I’m not used to a doctor talking to me about a “t” word.

But, I am still laying around and plan on taking it easy for the next three days, it just feels right.

I am also not drinking any wine. That is SO difficult. I love wine with dinner and even love sipping while I cook. I also have been drinking decaffeinated coffee but it is so nasty that I only have half a cup.

I would cut off my digits if it would give me a child.

I am trying not to get my hopes up and yet still be optimistic. I have to protect my heart. Last IVF, we had 10 very good embryos on day 3 and I was so incredibly positive then.

Dr. Next really believes it is the 5 day blastocyst decision that didn’t give them much of a chance.

He sites a study about women and embryos and splitting half in 3 day transfer and the other half in 5 day blastocyst transfer. There were many live births in the 3 day transfer group and not a single live birth in the blastocyst group. (I don’t know the logistics of the details of the quality of embryos)

He calls it “uterine rescue” and even does a lot of 2 day transfers.

I hope he is right.

I have received several emails from people asking about the twin reference. I did not mean to intimate that he is promising me twins because of his math. He just thinks that is the most that I will get from the 7 embryos. Each has a 30% chance . I feel that it will be a miracle if one makes it.

I am very calm and relaxed and positive.

I am still so incredibly thirsty. Supposedly, the seventh day after transfer is when the ovaries are the most enlarged and follicles most full of fluid. That’s when I will be on the plane. I hope I don’t pop.

I am going to drink a ton of water and Gatorade on the plane.

My beta is on May 2nd.

I will not pee on a stick.

I have terrible experiences with HPTs. I won’t believe a positive and will get depressed over a negative. I’d rather save myself the drama.

In the meantime, I am avoiding a repeat ofthisat all costs so I am going on vacation during my 2 week wait.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Apr 22 2005 9:56 AM Updated: Fri, Apr 22 2005 10:01 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Septuplets
By Julianna on IVF#3

Heretofore known as the “emsepbryos”.

All 7 looked excellent and all of them doubled their cells from yesterday (even a slow 2 cell one).

He said that since retrieval was later in the day and the ICSI several hours after that, he wasn’t expecting to see many 8 cells this morning but everything looked beautiful and no fragmentation.

1 - 8 cell
2 - 7 cell
3- 6 cell
1 - 5 cell

All grade 1

So, I will try to do the math. I am confused and rather messed up on 10 mg of Valium and Vicodin ES but hey, it didn’t hurt, no emergency room visit for me.

My math: I have had 23 embryos that have never amounted to anything, not even able to get a second line on a HPT so if I had had 23 embryos, I would have said “Bring them all home to Mama!”.

Michael and Dr. Next’s math: Since all were grade 1, each has a 30% chance of making it (to a second line or heartbeat or live birth - I don’t know - I would assume a live birth). So, they figured that with all 7, plus my abysmal previous failures, with 30% chance and 7 that makes twins. It would be extremely rare for triplets and then for all of them to be viable would be almost impossible.

I don’t understand math on a good day and clearly I am not up to it now. I don’t even know if any of that makes any sense.

I will be ever so grateful and shocked if I see a second line on a HPT.

Already, I am so relieved that all made it, I want Michael to put seven tiny ribbons on my mailbox flag and I want a wreath with 7 little stork eggs. Just because I fucking deserve something in my yard after 4 years of hell.

I have never had this many embryos transferred.

Dr. Next said that my lining was very nice and the embryos should be very happy in there. He was very positive, it was hard to believe he was talking to me and not some woman behind me.

So, my embryos are having a lovely settling in welcome home party and all I can say is thank God my head is so far away from them. I will be as positive as I can be. I just don’t want to be so hurt again.

I’m sorry but I will clean this up later when I wake up if it isn’t making any sense.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Apr 21 2005 4:58 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Disappointed
By Julianna on IVF#3

It ends up that when they striped the eggs down for the ICSI, there were 12 mature and 8 fertilized BUT the 8th has already arrested.

I have 7 that fertilized.

Last time, I had 13 of the 14 fertilize, so I am disappointed.

Transfer is at 11:00 a.m. on Thursday, he doesn’t think I need a day 2 transfer.

He said those 7 fertilized eggs looked excellent and he is very pleased with the results and very hopeful and he told me not to be discouraged, that it was very good news.

My first IVF, I had 11 eggs and even Rescue ICSI got 9 of those to fertilize.

This is my least number of fertilized eggs.

Let’s hope it is my largest number of embryos transferred (IVF#1 - 0; IVF#2 - 4). He is going to transfer everything.

I have had 24 embryos so far with not even a positive pregnancy beta to show for the trouble. When the embryos are frozen, he said you can generally expect half to unthaw perfectly, so, no freezing for me.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Apr 19 2005 3:15 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
My Stomach Is In Knots
By Julianna on IVF#3

Still no news. They said they would call before noon.

Time stands still. Minutes are endless.

So very much is riding on this phone ringing and the news that it bears.

I think this is even too much for me. I am pretty sure that this is the end of my IVF road. It is just too much.

Demerol makes one nauseous. I finally was able to get a bagel down an hour ago. God forbid my fat cells should do what they were meant to do.

My right ovary was very painful, thank God that was the last one they did and thank God my left had more follicles.

I learned that when I go into shock, it is because of pain and not necessarily my cervix being dilated. I can feel it coming on when the pain hits, immediate clamminess and nausea and extreme dry mouth. The pulse oximeter showed it right away but he had to keep needling those follicles. I told him not to stop. I don’t care if he ruined my ovaries as long as he got all of follicles.

My episode allowed me to stay there longer so he could actually tell us they were all mature, which was very encouraging. I just need a lot to have fertilized. I am completely beside myself.

I hear phones ringing in my head, it’s just not mine.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Apr 19 2005 2:16 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Divide And Conquer
By Julianna on IVF#3

14 Mature eggs

Very grateful

Just got home, very drugged up

Had a little episode with last ovary, started getting clammy and pale and sweating, it hurt bad, drugs just make you forget

I’m very well

Now, the wait for the Governor to call in the morning with a stay of execution……..that’s what it feels like, waiting for fertilization report.

It was nice to already how many were mature though. I am very grateful for fourteen.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Apr 18 2005 6:40 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
‘Till We Meet Again
By Julianna on IVF#3

So, I am up early. Suddenly, I can’t sleep. I have too much to do today. I have to prepare for the bed rest (NBHHY!), with swollen belly and tired, tired eyes.

I can’t stop thinking about my mother. I absolutely adore her. Imagine Melanie from “Gone With The Wind”, that is my mother. Everything is always fine and no one ever means to hurt anyone. Kind of messes with your mind when you’re a child and sensitive when everyone is acting like everything is so wonderful and perfect and you never discuss painful reality. I wish I could be like that, instead, I am petulant and dramatic and selfish like Scarlett. However, I am extremely kind and thoughtful (just ask me).

So, my mother can’t wait to get my phone calls with my updates. I can hear in her voice that she has been thinking about me, looking at the time, subtracting three hours and determining when the phone will ring. As soon as I update her, she has to get off the phone immediately………to call her friends. You see, she has me on a prayer chain. So, she calls family and friends who then pass on the information to the next person on the list until I have a ton of people I don’t even know praying for me. I hate to sound blasphemous and admit that it hasn’t helped before, nevertheless, I am extremely grateful.

Needless to say, although I am keeping this IVF a relative secret here in California, everyone and their brother in South Carolina know every detail of my life right now.

Interesting note though is that when I get to S.C. next Monday, not one single person will mention my predicament. Not a single one.

M. and I are headed for the hotel this afternoon, close to the doctor’s office so we can avoid freeway traffic in the morning .

I told Dr. Next that I was very nervous about not being knocked out for the procedure and he said that the Demerol would work fine. I asked if it was going to be a drip. He said “no, an intramuscular injection“.

When he called with the E2 results, I asked if I could take some Vicodin ES with the Valium. (I had to be rushed to the emergency room for the supposedly simple HSG a couple of years ago because I went into shock, so, I don’t completely trust “simple procedure” jargon).

He said they would give me more Demerol if I needed it. I wanted to ask if they had any Morphine or Heroin on hand, just in case.

M. does not want to go in the room, I won’t force him. M. would be one of those husbands if I ever did get far enough to go into labor, he would the lone husband in the hallway and would see the baby after it is cleaned up. I understand his not wanting to be in there with me. He can’t help me and it hurts him to see me in pain, especially if he is helpless. Just because it is the thing to do, does not mean that is the right thing for everyone.

My new British patient friend said that she would go in there with me (her retrieval is later in the week and she lives close by), somehow, I don’t think that is going to be the place for me to win new friends with me flipping around on the table like a freshly caught fish and then add a possible panic attack into the mix, well, it’s best she know me superficially right now.

I’ll make fast friends with the nurse, on that, you can bet.

Think of me at 10:45 - good things.

I’ll post when I get home with the results.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Apr 17 2005 12:25 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Okee Dokee and FUCK! ***
By Julianna on IVF#3

Got up at 5:30 for my 8:00 appt this morning.

Kissed husband goodbye and asked if he thought we’d get good news.

In his sleep, he answered, “we always do, until the end”
I said, “yep, one big, happy mind fuck. See you in about four hours.”

At least 14 follicles at 16-19 mm.
Nice increase from yesterday and am waiting for the call regarding my E2. Depending on that, I may trigger tonight.

When counting follicles, Dr. Next said that I have at least 19 on my left ovary alone. But, he said that the others are smaller and that is fine. He wants 8 - 15 in the range I have.

He has to figure out mathematically how fast I am growing and my E2 rise so it will be Monday or Tuesday retrieval.

I asked if the other follicles can mature more in the petri dish and he said because we are doing ICSI, they can only ICSI mature eggs but what he is going to do is put my other eggs in a separate dish and give them a chance to fertilize on their own like normal people do.

I’m off to drink and then to bed. I’ll update after the E2 call.

Thank you so much for your support, it helps more than you will ever know.

***Updated To Add: Retrieval 10:45 Monday morning.
E2 1353 - wants it to double every 48 hours, almost did that in 24, doesn’t want E2 to peak and drop, needs to catch it for perfect timing. Is doubling in one day bad? Is it good (is that possible)? I really don’t want to know. I can’t be bothered. I am in my pool of calm, lounging on my comfortable float and nothing can penetrate these waters to get to me. It is what it is. I am doing the best that I can do.
Trigger at 11:30 p.m. tonight




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Apr 16 2005 2:22 AM Updated: Sat, Apr 16 2005 12:59 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Follies Le Beaut ***
By Julianna on IVF#3

I finally had my ultrasound this morning.

I think that I was awake for 5 hours yesterday. I am soooo,,,,sooooo very tired AND thirsty. Water, water, water.

Of course, I had NFT (no follicle thoughts) going into my appointment, especially, in light of the lupron suppression success.

Dr. Next didn’t want to give me an exact number as it can change but I’m no fool and counted on my hidden fingers as he was calling out his measurements.

I have 5 on my right ovary and 9 on my left ovary. All in the 12-15 mm range.

He said that he likes to see 8-14 follicles; anything above or below that number affects quality. He was pleased.

They drew my blood and will call this afternoon with those numbers and any adjustments to my meds. They will also tell me when to come in again. He estimated coming in Sunday and possible Tuesday retrieval but he hesitates to add that he needs to see the blood work.

Funny that Stanford never drew my blood during my cycles. Yeah. Funny that.

My husband finally gave his sperm sample that they have been bugging us about. They wanted a sample last week, and also one day before retrieval and the day of retrieval. I already blogged about him being none too pleased.

He came with me today (yeah carpool lane!) and instead of two hours, it took us only an hour and a half. M. was able to go in the ultrasound room with me and then he went to give his sample.

I knew something was up as I read article after article in the waiting room and saw three other couples called back for their appointments.

I can write about this because my husband doesn’t read my blog.

I did meet a lovely couple from London (what is it with me and the Brits!) and we became fast friends and exchanged phone numbers. She is right on schedule with me, very very nice couple.

Finally, M. comes into the waiting room. I waited until we were in the parking lot and said “wow, that didn’t take long” acting as if I didn’t notice it was F.O.R.E.V.E.R!!!!!!!!!! Because that is what good Stepford wives do, not to make him self-conscious or anything.

“That was fucking bullshit. At least Stanford had a comfortable room with a comfortable chair and some magazines. Jesus Christ, I was put in a small little toilet room. Just a sink and a toilet for God’s sake” I knew he would tell me what happened.

“You mean there weren’t any magazines or anything? And you had to sit on the toilet?” I emphasized and exaggerated my shock and horror for the benefit of his ego.

“The only thing that would have been worse is if they had a window with no blinds in there. Fuck.” He was still pissed.

Now, I am not one to want some angry little sperms (s?) meeting my beautifully harvested eggs, so I needed to come up with something.

I waited about an hour into our drive and then mentioned my plan. We live too far away for a sample from home.

I told M. that I would feel better if we stayed in the hotel near the doctor’s office the night before retrieval because of all of the traffic and if there is an accident or something, since retrieval is so time sensitive after the trigger shot, I just don’t want to be stressed. I then added, as if it had just occurred to me, “hey, if we do that, then you can just do your semen sample there so you don’t have to go back in that toilet room again.”

He thinks that is a good idea, because of the traffic.

I am off to bed.

I feel like I haven’t been keeping up with my blog friends. Forgive my rudeness as I sleep the days away.

I’ll update with my E2 levels when they call this afternoon.

Wake me when it’s time.

***Updated to add: Estrogen at 816, nurse said that is good, they want me to come in tomorrow morning though for another ultrasound and blood draw. I can’t worry about why so soon. Same dose of meds.




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Apr 15 2005 2:59 AM Updated: Fri, Apr 15 2005 4:58 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Have Your Way With Me
By Julianna on IVF#3

I am finally enjoying Word Press. My web designer (Callista) added a feature that allows you to pick how you want me to look. I tend to smother everyone in pink, so mosey on over to the side bar and click on the “Skins”, I am currently looking at myself through “Tulips”.

I am feeling well, actually have been happy since my headache went away. It’s amazing what no pain does for the psyche.

Tomorrow is my last day of work until after Mother’s Day. I am starting to get that excited stomach feeling, like when you’re in school and getting ready for Christmas break.

I’ll know so much in a week. How many eggs, how many embryos and I will be getting ready for my trip to South Carolina.

The worst week of my life was when my second IVF failed. So many promising steps, led to complete and utter failure. M. was out of town and all of my family was 3,000 miles away. M. travels during most weeks and I do not want to be alone again should the worst happen. I know that I have said it before, but it bears repeating, I received so much strength during that time from all of you wonderful people here. Thank you.

My sweet mother is counting down the days and still asking “when will you need your pregnancy test” every other time we talk. I will actually be going to my former OB/GYN to get my beta; he has known me since I was sixteen.

My sister still sees Dr. Tom regularly and said that she would call as soon as I know when the retrieval date is….I just need to figure out how soon I can do it, the sooner the better. Is it 10 days after retrieval?

Most likely, I will be having a two day transfer, no blastocysts for me this time! I have a box of needles and syringes and meds, the same box since IVF#1 and I keep seeing the polaroid picture of those blastocysts from last time and I keep looking at them and wondering what the fuck happened.

Dr. Next seems to think that the petri dish is a chamber of death and would like for any and all embryos to be in me as soon as possible………..why is it that I feel that I am jinxing myself by assuming that I will get that far?

So, my sisters best friend since childhood, who is like a family member is 8 months pregnant with her second child. Tracy was married for 10 years and wasn’t sure she wanted children and when she was 37, she finally told her husband “yes” and they got pregnant right away, first month. Her son turned 2 in January and the last time I saw her was when she was 8 months pregnant with him. Tracy looked wonderful, showed me around the nursery and all the presents from her shower and her husband smugly declared about how potent his sperm were and he knew she’d get pregnant immediately. He wanted a baby for a long time, he was excited, but he also had no sensitivity whatsoever about me and my plight. When we got in the car, I told my sister (J.) how rude I thought Steve was but she just said that he is “like that” and he wasn’t even thinking about me. Clearly.

Tracy waited after a year of trying again to tell my sister about her secondary infertility woes and she began asking J. about me and my discoveries and trials. J. told her everything and that was just before starting IVF#2. Tracy finally got on Clomid and was going to call and ask me about it but went through J. instead. I was happy to help.

It blew my mind when J. and I were talking one day and she said, “Tracy gets everything handed to her and the first time she has ever struggled with anything in her life is with trying to get pregnant a second time, the first was so easy for them, but you just watch, Tracy will take her Clomid, and she’ll get pregnant right away and yet nothing is working for you and you are trying so hard and you have always wanted to have children. It just sucks.” and with that, my sister was crying and said she needed to get off the phone.

IF hurts so many people.

When I went back to S.C. for Thanksgiving, J. told me that Tracy did indeed get pregnant on her first Clomid cycle. I love Tracy, but I couldn’t go there to visit and I still haven’t seen her son and now she is having a baby shower while I am there. It is very obvious that I am ignoring them but I just can’t do anything other than shield myself right now. I am not able to pretend that I am okay. I hurt and I hurt more when I see so closely that which eludes me.

I will be especially vulnerable this time and therefore, I need to protect myself even more. I’m sure that Steve is little more humble than when I last saw him but funny that I still remember his words and his smug demeanor. I still think he was incredibly insensitive even if that does make me self-absorbed.

I am still in my pool of calm. No stress, no worries. I just get emotional sometimes. I am doing everything that I can and that is all that I can do.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Apr 12 2005 1:04 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Where Are My Follicles????
By Julianna on IVF#3

In keeping with the original goal of this blog, I need to mull through some things. This is only for me, later on, when things either fail or succeed. I will come back to these words to find the answers. It is a delusion that I continue to honor, that answers will be found (they won’t).

I’m having a hard time with this IVF.

I don’t feel good.

I got a killer headache within hours of my first GonalF injection. I have been injecting lupron for 2 weeks.

Lupron - 5 units twice a day cut down to half that twice a day after baseline ultrasound last Thursday.
Gonal F - 250 IU twice a day started last Thursday

In one year, my FSH rose from 3.4 to 5.7 - I am getting older. I am still very grateful for 5.7 and know that it should really be much higher for my age.

One thing that has always been very consistent are my swiss cheese looking ovaries on the ultrasounds. I can spot my ovaries immediately because they look like the moon with tons of craters (initial follicles).

I don’t know how many ultrasounds I have had, a thousand? I have always seen oodles of beginning follicles.

My new doctor even said at my initial exam with him that if he were looking at my ultrasound in a picture, he would guess that I was around 25 years of age (obviously it would have to be a close-up of my ovaries only).

I’ve heard from various doctors: “you sure do have a lot to work with“; “i don’t see any reason why it won’t work eventually“, “you sure do respond well“, “you have no idea how well you respond to the stim meds“…..

At my initial physical a month or so ago, Dr. Next stopped counting at 17 on my right and 15 on my left ovary.

Since I was little, I learned that often when things are said out loud, the opposite happens. So, I learned to play tricks: “I bet there won’t be any peanut butter“, and then, sure enough, there would be peanut butter; and that soon progressed to “I have a feeling we are going to get in an accident“, and then, sure enough, we would not get in an accident.

I believe that this was the beginning of my craziness but thousands of dollars in therapy have never revealed that to be the case. General consensus is that I got crazy because of being “gas lit”. Okay. Very well.

I am not crazy anymore or I am very crazy and loving it. All that matters is that I am happy, except when I think I have jinxed myself again.

“I always have tons of initial follicles” or
“At least I respond well to the meds so we get a lot of embryos.” I say rather arrogantly, out loud!

………………………………you know where I am going with this.

So, Thursday, I saw Dr. Next’s associate for my baseline ultrasound. I watched the screen as he oohhhed and awwwwed about my fibroid tumor that is rather impressive to every doctor who uses the cooch cam on me, I can’t see it, they say it is fine and doesn’t interfere with anything, so I don’t care. Can’t be bothered, the fucker gives me heavy periods and cramps but whatevah……….i don’t care. I am not going to have my uterus removed to take it out so I give it no mind.

After he was through being mesmerized by my uterine tumor he went to the side and I was watching the screen to see the moon…….”there is your right ovary, no cyst, that is good“………….

“Ummm…..excuse me, but that is my right ovary?” I asked.
“Yes. no cysts.” he answered.
“Ummmm……where, pray tell, are my follicles?” I asked.

He searched and searched and found five and then four on my left. The nurse wrote it all down as he called it out and then he smiled nicely and wished me well as he left the room.

“Does lupron make my follicles disappear?” I asked the nurse after the doctor left the room.
“No. Your numbers are fine. You are well within the normal range.” she answered.

It was CD3 so I don’t know if that matters, I can only intellectually assume that lupron has played a magic trick on my follicles.

I really cannot stress right now and I try not to worry. There comes a time where I just have to trust, let it go, and follow doctor’s orders.

I would love to be so bold as to ask for advice, for help, for answers but I don’t want to hear anything upsetting so that stops me from asking for opinions but if anyone has anything encouraging to say, even if it is bullshit, I would appreciate it.

I decided to be perfect this IVF.

No wine. That is a big one for me. My husband and I have wine every night. Every other doctor that I have asked, said that wine is fine (a glass or two) but I decided to avoid it this time. I have not had any for two weeks. We have a lovely wine cellar and I enjoy pairing my dinner with certain wines. This is a sacrifice.

The reason that I am not drinking wine is to be sure that everything is perfect. There will be no “what ifs”; I eat well, no meds, no caffeine………….so now, no wine.

Mind you, I have been popping extra strength tylenol like they are candy because of my excruciating headaches. I finally was able to stop taking them last night. I can endure this dull ache that never ceases.

If I lay in bed sick, I get sicker. If I get up and get moving, I am more distracted.

We were supposed to have three other couples over for dinner last night, but M. had to call them Friday to cancel. I couldn’t even speak my head hurt so bad. He has been a doll, bringing me soup, asking me what I need and trying to cure me.

Yesterday, I decided to do some yard work. I took some more pictures and sat in a chaise and read magazines. I then went upstairs and put on a flowing summer flowery dress and since my hair looked so bad, I put on one of my hats with a flower on it. I even put on some red sandals and lipstick.

I sacheted into my husbands office and told him that we were going to have a picnic.

He was shocked when he saw me.

So, I made a centerpiece with my lilacs, set the table outside with real china and cloth napkins and we had artichokes and sandwiches. It was lovely. I still had my headache but was enjoying myself much more.

Today, M. is working up at our friend’s winery. I want to go. It is gorgeous outside so I am sure they will be busy. Sometimes, there are even limo’s with tourists who are wine tasting and it is so much fun meeting them and socializing. I usually help with the cheese and crackers and sometimes I help distribute glasses (I don’t know enough about wine to answer the millions of questions that people pose so I do menial tasks).

Me going to that winery today is like putting the cookie monster in a cookie factory and expecting him to behave while watching everyone else indulge.

I don’ t know what I am going to do. It will make me feel better to get dressed and get out amoung the living.

The thing is, if this IVF fails like all the others, sacrifices like these are fuel for my anger.

However, if it works this time, I will forget about all of this and go on and on and I will say things out loud like “it was so worth it!“.

………………………………………and then, finally, I will live happily. ever. after.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Apr 10 2005 2:09 AM Updated: Sun, Apr 10 2005 12:58 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
’til My Feet Are Nubs
By Julianna on IVF#3

I had my first fix of Gonal F this morning, at my doctor’s office, after my ultrasound. All looked well. This new doctor and his protocol are so completely different than what I had before. I still keep injecting the lupron twice a day and I inject Gonal F in the morning and at night. Funny that I don’t even wince when I stab my skin anymore.

My husband has to fix everything that bothers me from here until retrieval. Poor him.

I can only do the best that I can do and hope for the best. It will be, what it will be. Que sera……..

I always said that if I had to walk a mile down a bed of hot coals, I would do it gladly if it meant having a child at the end. With IVF, there are absolutely no guarantees and many of us do this over and over and only have nubby little feet in the end.

I need a miracle. That is what it will be if I ever have a baby. I know it and those who love me know it.

I just have to believe in miracles right now and believe that for once, it can happen to me because without that hope, I have nothing.

Time to go in my dressing room to get ready for the fight.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Apr 7 2005 8:30 AM Updated: Thu, Apr 7 2005 7:00 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
LUCY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By Julianna on IVF#3

Oh, and I was going to come home today and write about my lovely, anxiety ridden day at the spa that my lovely husband treated me to so that I can Zen out before starting the hard drugs on Thursday.

Spa Day included a (1)oxilimar bath (whatever the hell that is supposed to mean, it was a jacuzzi with essential oils and candles), (2)seaweed wrap,(3) hot oil hair massage conditioning, (4)Viking sauna, (5)river stone massage, (7)facial, with (6)a lovely spa lunch included in the package.

Part 1 : My bath was drawn and candles lit and I eased into the calm waters and almost went to sleep.

Part 2: Instructed to get on a gurney table covered with a large hospital bed diaper in a large shower room. Was covered in seaweed mud with a large plastic spatula after getting basted on the sides and back and lastly front, I was then carefully covered sheet over feet, sheet over right leg and thigh, sheet over torso and tucked under shoulder, sheet covered left torso, left thigh and leg covered and tucked and then a warming blanket was laid on top of that and then a solar looking panel blanket like thing was the finishing touch and tucked under every part of my body.

Part 3: Lucy then proceeded to pour hot oil on my head while the rest of me was wrapped like a tortilla. It felt G O O D……ahhhhhhhh……..she massaged my scalp and played with my hair with her oil concoction as I sighed and breathed and relaxed. She then proceeded to wrap my head in a towel and then covered that with a plastic bag like thing and then told me she would leave me to rest and would be outside the door.

It was then that it hit me, just as she closed the door behind herself. I have claustrophobia - enough said.

I pride myself in staying on top of anxiety attacks. In a mere second, I went from relaxing bliss to wanting to blow through everything strangling me but then I thought, get a grip!, think of something else, your hair, your scalp, - ohhh it’s fucking wrapped too! -

Don’t think of yourself Julianna, I kept telling myself, think of something else………..nice slow deep breaths…..

…………think of something else……………..

usually, by the time I get to the third, long, slow, deep breath, my anxiety has passed……..

Success……..I was able to take the three breaths and then realized that it worked……..

what worked…………..it worked………….

and just that fast, it was back………..

I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs “L U C Y !!!!!!!!” because I thought she could come save me faster than me killing myself trying to get out of my veggie wrap coffin………….

“think of something else”, I kept telling myself, over and over and over again

No…………no………….three deep breaths………………..three deep breaths………………….

it worked………….what worked……………..

back again, that fast……………….. ” Loooooooooooooooosssssssseeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyy” I fought back screaming at the top of my lungs………

Three deep breaths………..come on…………think of something else………………

I don’t know how long I was in there……….it felt like forever but I was ever so pleased that I managed to not scream Lucy’s name and she was able to stay outside my door, if she was even there - now that would have been something wouldn’t it! If I had finally let it out and she wasn’t really right outside my door…….that would have been the last time she ever did that I betcha………….

I was so proud………so very proud of not ruining my seaweed wrap………I endured it……..

Lucy entered: “How do you feel, Julianna”
I answered with a smile and a sigh: “very well, thank you.”

Part 4: Viking Sauna. Private sauna room with fancy shower in same room. The fancy shower was circular and had shower spouts from the knees all around so it was kind of like if you ever laid down on the ground in the pouring rain and felt it pelting on you, it was like that, but from all sides. Sauna for 10 minutes, fancy shower with cool water for 5 minutes, back and forth, back and forth, for 40 minutes and drink lots of water. I don’t know who the hell that woman was in the mirror but it couldn’t have been me, I’m just sayin’.

Part 5: River Stone Massage. 2 hour massage with hot rocks. Warm, soothing, relaxing. The stones almost feel too hot at first touch but then they begin to cool as she ran them over my body. She did put some too hot pebbles between my toes and I believe I am going to get a blister between my left big toe and next. It was worth it. Relaxing.

Part 6: Lunch. Food is always good and I got the Caesar Salad w/ anchovies and Diet Coke. I know I should only have water, but to hell with it. I wanted a Diet Coke.

Part 7: Lauren came in to get me for my hour and a half facial. Boring - soap, cream, rub, cream, lotion,
until……….. she gave my hands a quick massage with some cream and placed them in plastic and put warm electric mittens on them. She did the same with my feet, only instead of mittens it was a small warm blanket that she wrapped my feet in…………. All was going well, until, she placed something on my eyelids and then started to put the liquid mask on……..it was cool, almost cold and she said that it would turn rubbery…….oh oh……..
“Are you leaving me Lauren?” I asked and she answered “no, I’m not leaving“.
She then proceeded to put a cheese cloth on my face and I think that it may have gotten as far as my chin when I bolted up, waving my gloved hands and yelled too loud: “I CAN”T!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”……………

“it’s okay, it’s okay, calm down, you got anxious because I didn’t cut the cheese cloth before I put it on your face, lay back down and I’ll cut the holes for your nose and mouth.”

“I just can’t Lauren. I just can’t” I said, almost in tears, not that she would have seen through the lemons or whatever the hell it was covering my lids.

“no, really, people get claustrophobic with the cheese cloth, especially if the space between the nose and mouth is still covered. you’ll be okay. just lay back down.”

I still was sitting up with whatever on my eyeballs and hands in mitts and feet in plastic.

“I just can’t Lauren. I just can’t.” I was looking around to nothing like a blind person. It was done. I was done.

“okay, lay back down, i won’t cover your face and the mask will begin hardening soon and then i will take it off” Lauren said sweetly.

“Lauren, I need you to wash this mask off my face before it starts to harden. Please.” I was still sitting up, ready to bolt blindly out the door.

“okay” and so she did.

Lauren washed me up and unwrapped me and I thanked her more for undoing me than for anything else.

That was my day and when my husband comes home and asks how it was, I will say, “it was wonderful“.

Now, however, I just got home and discovered that Star Jones really is pregnant. Fuck me. That is all I can say
F.U.C.K. M.E.




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Keep New: Posted on: Tue, Apr 5 2005 9:47 AM Updated: Tue, Apr 5 2005 9:01 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Houston, We…… ohh, you know the rest
By Julianna on IVF#3

So, I think I am finally having my period. For the past three days, it has been going on inside of me and not one that needs any type of tampon. I told my husband that I must be bleeding internally.

I’m serious.

Mind you, I went to my regular medical doctor a mere week ago, to complain of my sharp pain on the upper left rib area and when I informed him that it was either hepatitis, but most probably cancer of the spleen, he laughed out loud……. funny that. I have never had the pain since…….funnier that.

So, I am taking these fucking lupron injections twice daily at 12 hour intervals. The recent time change has had me so out of whack that I am actually two hours behind and my rocket science genius husband is even having a difficult time straightening out my mess.

I am being ruined.

I just know it.

I asked for it.

My new, favorite blog is Rosie O’Donnell’s. I never particularly cared for her before, but now, I look for her entries. She has ADD and OCD and Dyslexia and everything else and she speaks in small sentences that people are calling poems. It bugs her and I understand.

When I see a long paragraph, I skip it.

When I write a long paragraph, I bore myself.

So, we got our estimate of expenses for IVF#3 with our new doctor. Wow! About $4,000. below my previous clinic fees, so we were even more pleased.

Fast forward to the present.

We are being nickled and dimed to death.

Every week, I get a new bill from them.

Pelvic Ultrasound - $185.00
Venipuncture- $ 50.00
FSH- $105.00
Estradiol- $210.00

How much is that?

I don’t even know, but it is above and beyond the printed estimate we received.

So, they want my husband to jack off three times before our IVF ICSI and now I know why, wonder what they charge for the specimen cup and the handling and the lab and the whateverelsetheycanthinkof.

I am getting pissy.

My next ultrasound is Thursday, they will also be drawing more blood and all I will be thinking is…*ka ching*….*ka ching*…….They are charging me $50.00 every time they puncture my arm? Am I crazy? Are they crazy?

I think a little talk is in order on Thursday because these little nickle and dime bills are PISSING my husband off and, being the good Stepford wife, I need to avert the King getting pissy if I can.

I feel good about their protocol. I just have to trust it.

I read on a blog once (I am sorry, I don’t remember where), that if IVF fails twice, no matter how much you like your doctor, go somewhere else. It is great advice.

Clearly, what I was getting, wasn’t working.

What? I had 23 embryos in total before and nothing materialized?

The cards are shuffled, the dealer is revealing the flop and I am hoping for the turn and the river to reveal a miracle.

Better yet, I am jumping off the bridge and hope the bungee is attached properly.




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Keep New: Posted on: Mon, Apr 4 2005 1:39 AM Updated: Mon, Apr 4 2005 11:12 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Humour, One Lost
By Julianna on IVF#3

I am trying to occupy my mind. I took about 64 pictures with my digital camera of my garden areas. For one picture, a bee came just as I was zoomed in on the lilac blooms - perfect timing and it seemed to be just coming from under a petal as I snapped the picture………..I can’t tell if it is as cool as it felt because I haven’t been able to get the pictures off my camera yet but my husband just got home and I’ll get him to help me extract my artistic genius handiwork.

So, I’m ill. When you lay in bed and you’re nauseous, it makes it worse. I choose to keep busy and ramble about with idle chores to keep my mind off my churning stomach.

I think I am being ruined but that is okay, I won’t complain………I asked for this.

Okee dokee……this was good for about 5 minutes.

I am now going to try to paste my garden pictures- I won’t bore you with all 64 even though that could take up a lot of my afternoon and evening… come to think of it, I may just post all of the pictures…….it is all about me, Me, ME.

I’ll be back in a long while with my boring pictures……….just say they look nice and that I look nice and that everything will be okay………..

Hours Later:

A SLIDE SHOW




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Keep New: Posted on: Fri, Apr 1 2005 3:26 PM Updated: Fri, Apr 1 2005 9:04 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Why I’m Crazy
By Julianna on IVF#3

Phone conversation with my mother this afternoon:

Mama: “I am so excited about you coming. I called Dr. Tom’s office today and told them you need to make an appointment for a pregnancy test when you get here and they need to know the date of the test.”

Me:“Mother, I don’t know the date and I won’t know for some time. It is just a blood draw but I have absolutely no idea when or even if I will need it.”

Mama:“Don’t think like that. You need to make an appointment though and they need to know as soon as possible.”

Me:“If he can’t do the blood test on the day that I will need it, then I’ll figure out something else.”

Mama: “Well, you let me know as soon as you can. I spoke with your sister last night and she said that your new doctor is going to put all of the embryos in the day after they all fertilize? What if you have ten or thirteen?”

Me:“He is going to put all of them in me.”

Mama: “I think that you should take your sister up on the offer of putting some in her.”

Me:“It’s not that easy.”

Mama:“I don’t know what is so hard. She can fly out there and they can put some in you and some in her.”

Me: “We don’t even know if I am going to have any embryos, every cycle is different.”

Mama:“What if you have quadruplets? or worse?”

I adore my mother, I really do but…………sometimes……………….




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Mar 30 2005 8:04 PM Updated: Wed, Mar 30 2005 11:02 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
The Haves
By Julianna on IVF#3

I have lilacs and jasmine.

I have my plane ticket for my 2ww.

I have a better attitude.

I have my IVF.




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Keep New: Posted on: Wed, Mar 30 2005 5:49 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
Preheat Oven, Insert Head
By Julianna on IVF#3

The world stopped for my previous two IVFs so I decided to try something different. Something, perhaps, more clever?

I came up with the ingenious idea of carrying on normally, not letting this IVF get in the way of normal day to day activities and not even speaking of it in public.

A select few family members know of my upcoming IVF and I was rather liking it that way. It is better that less people need to hear of my heartache. In the end, it really doesn’t matter.

I am on Lupron this time. Why do I need to inject twice a day for 10 days prior to even beginning my Gonal F injections? I will be giving myself shots for at least three weeks with this protocol.

There comes a time when I need to just let it go, trust the doctors and follow directions.

Okay.

Very well.

I have been given orders……. 5 units of lupron twice daily, 12 hours apart. Nice little syringes with needles already attached (thank you very much!) are the weapon of choice for my new RE clinic. One side has ml markings and the other side of the syringe has units markings. 5 units looks incredibly miniscule in this syringe. I am rather good with my injections now (I couldn’t inject myself at all for IVF#1 and was only able to inject myself half the time with IVF#2), now, I aim for a freckle or spot and go slow - stabbing hurts and gives me more bruises. Why does everyone say to use a “darting motion” when reviewing injection techniques? - that fucking hurts.

Friday night, we went to meet some friends for cocktails at 5:30 p.m. to discuss some volunteer schedule things and then all four couples decided to go to a new French restaurant in town and I’m thinkin’ - nice, good, this will be fun. NOT! By 6:45 we were seated, and one would think that all is good. At 8:30, we were finally served our main courses and I couldn’t even enjoy it because all I could think about was “I need to be home by 9:00 for my shot“. My husband and I ate our entrees quickly and he left money on the table for our portion and we skeedaddled without much of an excuse. We just said that we needed to be home by 9:00 and that time was getting away from us. Who knows what everyone thought as we made our exit.

It would have been SOOOOO much easier to say, “we are trying to have a baby and are having some difficulties and unfortunately, I am on certain medications that are very time specific, so, please, forgive us and have a nice evening“.

I still think that would have been better than the way we handled it. For all they know, we had television to watch or better people to visit.

None of this feels good. Telling the world was not the right way but neither is this.

Fast forward to my golf tournament yesterday (two pre-loaded 5 unit syringes in separate envelopes - one for 9:00 a.m. tee time and the second for the banquet in the evening). All of this was taking place about an hour and a half away from my house, so I needed to come up with a plan and I did.

My first injection was too perfect. The tournament started at 8:00 but my tee time was a little after 9:00 so I was able to take my little envelope in the restroom and do the nasty without even an eyebrow being raised.

Side note to add (brag), I had the most amazing second nine holes in my life and ended up coming in second place for the entire tournament. The last hole had me about 65 yards out and I took a slow swing back, thinking “head down” and I finally peeked to see my ball going towards the green and rolling into the hole for an EAGLE!!!!. If you don’t know about golf, just trust me, it was amazing. Especially when you know that I don’t play golf well, I am incredibly un-athletic and I have only been playing for two years. Everyone was talking about it.

The dinner/banquet was very nice, but again, it was around 8:00 p.m. before the main course was being served. I was eyeing the watch to make my exit to the car for my second inoculation. I never said a peep all day, even to my girlfriend, who was partnered up with me all day.

It is so difficult to not talk about that which consumes me.

Five minutes before 9:00, I excused myself and went to my car in the parking lot. I opened my second envelope, held the syringe and pulled the plunger out instead of the needle cap. I have no good excuse for doing that, I have no idea what happened. Perhaps, I am so used to loading first and injecting last that I am just used to pulling the plunger???? Suffice is to say, my medicine dripped out onto my pants, nice little pretty drops that I could do nothing with…………..I just sat there looking at those five wet spots and was thinking things like “wow, 5 units really is a little bit of medicine“, about ten minutes slowly ticked by as I was watching the spots dry. An hour and a half from home, awards yet to be handed out, and dessert yet to be served, I had to leave.

I wanted to put my car into “drive” and leave,…… without a trace.

I ended up walking back in the banquet room, happily and graciously told the people at my table that I had such a lovely day and what a fabulous time and that I needed to head home and could my girlfriend please get my award certificate and prize………………

…………….the more you smile and act okay, the less people question you, I didn’t know what to say……………I just acted very happy and hurried and even excited………….

…….(me driving alone for an an hour and a half and worried about being late for my injection)………

I only cried when I finally walked in the door of my house and told M. what had happened. I proceeded to go to my little medicine table and sat there and loaded the syringe but this time, I did use a dart like motion and stabbed my right thigh.

My girlfriend left a message this morning, she got my prize and asked what the hell happened to me and that everyone was asking where I went and they were all talking about my AMAZING EAGLE!!!! and when they called out my name for second place, she was embarrassed to walk up there to say that I had to leave and she would give me my award.

Clearly, this new, ingenious plan of mine isn’t working.

I think that perhaps I need to be a hermit for the conclusion of this IVF cycle.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Mar 27 2005 5:43 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
WELCOME!!!! OPEN HOUSE!!!!
By Julianna on Miscellaneous

Hello, my dear friends.

Welcome. Make yourself at home and help yourself to some hors d’oeuvres and a welcome gift.

Here is where I was going to post pictures of (but I don’t know how yet):

DEVILED EGGS(always a winner)

PIMENTO CHEESE SANDWICH BITES(because I like them)

HUSHPUPPIES(hot and delicious)

SALAD PROSCIUTTO SKEWERS(because I just learned to make them)

FRITO SCOOPS and SALSA DIP (just to be different)

PIGGLY WIGGLY BIRTHDAY CAKE (because it is my favorite - chocolate w/ white icing)

Parting gifts are lavender wands that I make by hand. Where there are grapes, there is lavender, and this time of year is when it is blooming. I have to start weaving the lavender within a couple of hours of harvesting it. Everyone who comes to my house as an overnight guest, gets a beautiful lavender wand in their room with a note about how pleased I am that they are visiting (my husband doesn’t feel the same, but they don’t need to know that).

I can’t tell you how many times I have gone to my guests houses later and found the lavender wands proudly displayed on a vanity or bathroom counter.

So, in celebration of Spring and lavender harvesting season, imagine that you are taking with you a lavender wand.

So, we will have an imaginary party.

I am so excited to see you, so happy you stopped by and wish you would say “hello”.

Imagine eating wonderful finger foods and having great conversations.

Imagine too, taking home a lavender wand from my home to yours, from my heart to yours.

The beginning of IVF#3 is marked by a new beginning in my blog world. I am to give my first injection in less than 12 hours and so, now it is here, at last……….at last.

Please say “hello” and feel free to look around my new home.

THE DRINKS!

RED WINE
WHITE WINE
PEBBLE BEACH COSMOPOLITANS*

I almost forgot to mention the drinks!!!

Please pick a wine glass and don’t forget your wine charm so when you get
too drunk, you’ll know which glass is yours.

For those of you who would prefer hard liquor, we offer a martini glass
and the exclusive Pebble Beach Cosmopolitan*. The recipe for the
authentic and world famous drink is in the recipe section, down the hall,
to the right —–> in the “Menu” room : ) .

I will also have glasses of water on a separate table, if I happen to offer
you a glass, it means you need to drink some water now.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 24 2005 1:29 AM Updated: Tue, Mar 29 2005 1:14 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
SUCKS!!!!!
By Julianna on Uncategorized

So, my title is still “Poetic Rose” in spite of much ado………….

And why is this post so far down on my blog???? Do I need to add a “TPP” “DMCS” and a “PMVA” to my control panel?????

Such crap.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sun, Mar 20 2005 3:11 AM Email This Clip/Blog This
WP SUCKS
By Julianna on Uncategorized

So far, I despise Word Press.

I thought blogger sucks! Geez. This is a nightmare.

WP is for computer programmers or the like, it is not for the simple minded.

Blogspot was so incredibly simple to put together. I have been trying to add my own personal information to these templates/themes for three days now.

What pisses me off, is that everything is prefaced with “easy”, “simple to install”, “simple to customize” and it has been everything but that.

Thanks to the WP support staff who tried so hard to help me.

It is just too time-consuming to get simple “about me” stuff on this blog.

It is all about WP, and Kubrick and wired-hub and that is not what I want my blog to look like.

I like this: My Original Blog


Sure, I may not be able to sign onto blogger and people can’t comment most of the time, and it may be as slow as Christmas, but at least it reflects me and my life.




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Keep New: Posted on: Sat, Mar 19 2005 8:37 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Original Blog
By Julianna on Uncategorized

So, this all began one August day on a free site called blogger.

Six and a half months of blogging can be found there.




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 17 2005 4:52 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
IVF#3
By Julianna on IVF#3

Currently on BCPs
Changed doctors with completely different protocol
I’ll begin lupron injections in a week or so
Let the fun begin




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 17 2005 4:22 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
IVF#2
By Julianna on IVF#2

10 day cycle - still rather quick
17 eggs
14 mature
13 fertilized with ICSI
day3 had 10 excellent embryos
Dr. recommended going to blastocyst
One gorgeous blastocyst and two okay looking ones and one very ugly
All four blastocysts transferred
Negative beta




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 17 2005 4:21 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
IVF#1
By Julianna on IVF#1

Fast 8 day cycle
11 eggs
zero fertilization
RESCUE ICSI performed and 9 fertilized
PGD results revealed mutants
No transfer




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 17 2005 4:19 PM Email This Clip/Blog This
Hello world!
By Julianna on Uncategorized

Welcome to WordPress. This is your first post. Edit or delete it, then start blogging!




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Keep New: Posted on: Thu, Mar 17 2005 6:32 AM Email This Clip/Blog This