I got the call from Dr. Next's nurse this afternoon:

DNn: "I have your schedule and just wanted to make sure the dates are convenient for you."

Me: "Do you ever have people tell you that the dates aren't convenient?"

DNn: (laughing) "Well, I guess not. Let me re-phrase that, I am calling to tell you what you will be doing for the next month and a half so you can plan everything else around us.


I already love DNn.


Let the games begin.

A week from today, I will begin my twice daily injections of Lupron and that will continue until I am ready to trigger. I will be able to use the rest of my Bravelle and Gonal F from the past hell, so they are trying to work out the details of what I have in my tattered failure box and what I will need. I should get my shipment by Tuesday.

I wrote everything down in my calendar and then, there it was, it came suddenly and without warning - fear. I am scared.

I'll be okay, I just have to work through all of this because once I start my shots, I enter my pool of calm because *stress will never be a factor in my IVFs failing - NEVER.

So, bring it on.

The intelligent me, started looking at the dates of injections and office visits and ultrasound appointments and I started to question things. It looks like I will be one week into my Gonal F injections before they do another ultrasound (after baseline). So, I am going to be injecting lupron morning and night and Gonal F will be added to the mix for a whole week without anyone checking in on me.

I could drive myself crazy questioning things, there comes a time where you just have to trust and jump. I'll get there.

I need to break the fourth wall here for a second. I feel judged and vulnerable. It can be quite humorous but it can also hurt, especially if I am being gut level honest about my inner turmoil but if I just pretend or give pat posts, then I am not being authentic to myself.

In writing this blog, my initial goal is to somehow make myself feel better and secondly, to perhaps, make someone else feel better or sane because of my ick.

Unfortunately, there are also a lot of crazies out there who can read about my innerchild who do not have my best interest at heart, people who I believe are inherently evil and mean, and I cannot let them win. I cannot let them silence me.

I hate to give them power by speaking of them, but in keeping with my honesty, I feel I need to address it.

I really appreciate the support group of friends who are ready to kick ass on my behalf, it helps tremendously. But, still, when I am beginning to divulge more, I find myself pausing now.


Okay, pause over.

DNn said that M. needs to come in before next week for a semen analysis.

Me: "But he has subjected himself to semen analysis after semen analysis and y'all have all the records of it. Does he have to? We live 2 hours away, it is not possible for me to run a sample over to you and he is incredibly busy with work."

DNn: "Yes. Our biologists need to have their own analysis. He can call the office and we will try to make it convenient for him."

Me: "Did I also read it right that you want him to come in for a semen sample the day before retrieval and then again the morning of retrieval?"

DNn: "Yes. The embryologists and biologists like to see the sample the day before and it is used as a back-up if a sample is not possible on the day of the retrieval."




M. is very busy. I feel the need to make this as painless as possible for him and these extra jack-off visits are going to piss him off. I find myself dreading our after dinner conversation tonight, as a matter of fact, I may just wait until I get my schedule in hand - that will give me a few days.

Yes, we must prolong the peace.