I am able to be friendly and polite and I have learned to temper myself, but it is a lifelong battle.
Growing up in a very traditional Southern family, it nearly drove me crazy, literally.
I can't pretend that things are other than what they are and when forced to, I act out. I've mentioned "gas lighting" before and I won't go into it again, but suffice is to say, I struggle more than most.
For my sanity, I must voice my reality and I do not respect myself if I sit silently by and nod to bullshit.
It doesn't matter if 100 people in a room think the sky is green, if I see it as white, then it is white. The struggle for me is when to speak my truth. How long can I be silent and still be sane? My patience wears thin.
The most amazing thing about my husband is that he gets me. He validates me. He doesn't think I am crazy and when I voice my opinions or feelings he never says "that's not so". He disagrees with me sometimes, but he never, ever says that what I feel is wrong.
Can you now imagine how torturous it was for me to sit in a "rah rah", "moo moo" type of seminar for a day and half while everyone around me was enthusiastic about the role playing?
example: "When Mrs. Jones is not willing to schedule her appointment for her next crown, use 'feel, feeling, felt'. Respond by saying, Mrs. Jones I hear that you don't feel it is important to get that crown and others have felt the same way but I am concerned that if you delay treatment you will have more problems down the road and I know you feel that would not be a good thing so don't you feel it is important to schedule that crown now?" They also recommend nodding your head in the affirmative so that Mrs. Jones will subconsciously copy your nodding and agree before she even realizes it.
I am not fucking kidding you.
That is the bullshit I had to sit through for a day and half.
Now. Why did I go?
1. It was mandatory for my job.
2. Everyone else was there for 3 days and because of my Dr. Next appointment, I only had to suffer through a day and a half.
3. I have blown off every other event in the 20 months I have worked for this man.
4. He pays for all of my continuing education courses which is highly unusual. I have always had to pay for my own. (CPR, HIPPA stuff, periodontal newest info...).
5. I get paid an assload of money.
6. I only see 7 patients a day. I get an hour for every patient and I get paid for set up time and wind down time - usually hygienists see at least 8 patients a day.
7. I love working two days a week and especially Tuesday and Wednesday - PERFECT!
8. I need to have my own money so I am not going to M. for every little thing and justifying myself because he would think that I never need new shoes or clothes.....
So, sometimes in life, I have to just suck it up.
I asked M. if he thought I could do it. "All I can say, is if you go out, go out in a blaze of glory" was his recommendation for me.
I thought about that a lot. I kept counting down the hours until I could be free of the painful workshop. A few times I opened my mouth and the beginning of a word would be at the back of my throat and I closed my lips quickly to stop myself. I would never be validated there, everyone would just think I was being a bitch, or that I was sabotaging their excitement, so it was best for me, if I could, to just restrain myself.
Psychologically, I made the trip fun. After the seminar, I decided to take advantage of the city. I booked myself a room in a wonderful hotel (thanks to M.'s points) and I decided to make it a fun weekend in San Francisco once the torture was over. I only had to sit through Thursday afternoon and Friday. I kept thinking of everything I would reward myself with when it was all over.
I am very proud to announce that I kind of kept my mouth shut.
At lunch on Friday, the doctor asked (excitedly) if I had ever been to anything like this before and I mentioned that, "Yes, I had. When I used to be in real estate there were tons of workshops for real estate agents to close the deal and that is what it reminded me of." Everyone just kind of looked at me like "WTF?".
Hey, I did well.
I am not long for that world. It was clear that I was not enthusiastic and although I didn't speak my mind, my body language outed me. I did the best I could.
When checking out of the seminar hotel on Friday afternoon, I was told that I owed $146.00 for parking and that the doctor had refused payment (when I pulled up on Thursday, I told valet his name). $146.00 for 24 hours plus 4 and a half more. Less than one day and a half and that asshole thinks I should pay for my own parking? He also constantly complained about the bill at every meal and referred to how much it was all costing him - which is so tacky. I am going to present him with my receipt on Tuesday, and that, my friends, will probably be the beginning of the end.
This is a lesson in how I need to always listen to my heart. I never, ever thought it was a good idea to go, I dreaded every thought of it and every minute I was there.......It served no purpose. I did not score any points for going and if anything, he is more annoyed that I wasn't into it.
It has never served me well to do something because someone else wants me to - never, ever, ever.*****
Chapter Four
Damn this is turning into a long post!
I had a fabulous time in S.F.. The weather turned magnificent on Friday evening and I walked and shopped and had magnificent meals. I love food and I am not afraid to go to nice restaurants by myself, in my head, I just pretend that I am a food critic and if you dress nice enough, the wait staff usually assumes you are rating their place. I have a friend who rates the AAA hotels and restaurants and because she is female and alone and dressed nicely, they have their antenna out that she may be a critic of some kind. So there. Next time you are afraid to go to a nice place by yourself, just act "as if".
There was a great arts and crafts and artist sale near the water and a fabulous farmer's market. I walked and walked and walked and shopped and shopped and shopped.
Golden Gate Bridge
I also happened to be there when massive cranes were arriving from Shanghai and they were barely going to make it under the Bay Bridge. For anyone who has not been to San Francisco, the Golden Gate bridge is taller than the Bay Bridge. They both come into the city and the port is extremely important for trade in the U.S.. They had to bend/dismantle about 6 feet of the crane before coming into the bay and after waiting for low tide and closing the Bay bridge, crowds and boats and news organizations and helicopters watched anxiously to see if it would clear the bridge. Port Authority people flew out to the cranes when they were out to sea and they were situated on top to help supervise. I was able to watch these men through binoculars and it was quite fascinating.
Crane clearance under Bay Bridge
So, a good time was had by all.......that is, after Friday afternoon.
I am excited about the coming week. I am estimating that the next IVF tests will begin on Friday. That will be my FSH and lupron challenge blood work. I am praying for a miracle this time. I am still scared about the no anesthesia retrieval surgery, I just cannot imagine being awake for that. I hope it is like some said and I will not remember much of it.
*****note to self to remember if I am ever scrolling through my blog for my own advice
