I should be at the Oscars tonight.

No, really, I should be there and I don't mean as an audience member but as a nominee or perhaps a presenter because of winning "Best Actress" last year.

That is what I reached for from the age of 25 - 35. I left my family and friends and headed for Hollywood. I really believed that if I dreamt it, and I worked hard at it, it could happen and I was willing to make all of the sacrifices for that to happen. I climbed the ladder of goals (agents, and AFTRA and SAG and one line and five lines or less and as a featured) but it took its toll. It got old.

The truth is, I didn't have what it took. I was inconsistent. Sometimes, I was absolutely brilliant and then other times, I would embarrass myself with how bad I sucked.

I had come so far and sacrificed so much and yet, I needed to let it go.

I found that as long as I am creative (drawing, painting, decorating, tatting or even crocheting), I am happy. I get the same "high" no matter how I use my right brain. I hated the process of being able to finally act (auditions and call backs and drama) and all I had to do to paint was take out a canvas and not depend on so many other people to get to that creative place that I love so much.

One might say that I sacrificed 10 long years of my life to fail. I am where I am right now because of the steps under me and for that, I am grateful.

Ten years ago, I would never have imagined me being in a place where I haven't even seen the movies nominated. The most amazing thing is that I do not care. I am so completely okay with where I am and that my acting dreams failed. I have no pain in my heart or aching for my life to be different. I won't watch with envy or dread and I won't have any pain in my heart when I see everyone there get their due.

Perhaps, acting is a lesson to teach me that it doesn't matter how much I fight and climb to get to my goals, I will know when it is time to shift gears and I will still be just fine. Just as I did not stay in Hollywood beating a dead horse, I will know when it is time to move on if I keep failing at this dream.

Maybe one day I will not look at mothers and babies with envy. Maybe one day I will be able hear of unexpected pregnancies and births and be genuinely happy for the families. Maybe one day I will decorate that room that is to be a nursery and make it into something that pleases me.

Right now though, I wish I had to quit typing here because my baby is waking from a nap.