I am in a little room near a concierge desk in a magnificent hotel overlooking the Golden Gate bridge. The weather is a bit crappy (drizzle and chilly) but there is nothing like walking the streets of San Francisco.

I need to type fast because I have some shopping to do before it gets too dark so forgive me for rambling and typos. At least I'm not being charged by the minute so I will at least be able to spell check.

Dr. Next will be my next doctor. There is a dark, angry vacuum that is trying to suck me in but I am resisting the pressure because if I go to that place, it serves no purpose for me moving forward.

Oh Lord.

Just so much information and a lot of it is very upsetting for me. I don't even know where to begin and I find myself in tears for the first time since my appointment Thursday. I guess it all hits home here, in print.

I am actually reluctant to write everything that was said because I don't want it to interfere with fellow bloggers suffering through IVFs...........I just don't want anyone to question their own protocol because of what was said to me.

It is easier if I just list everything.

1. Dr. Next was very perplexed and confused as to why Stanford put me on the protocols that they did..........he can not see any reasoning for IVF#1 or IVF#2 protocols. Remember, they were different, so they really screwed up twice.

2. I never needed so much medication. They WAY overdid my dosages and my meds - three different ones on some days.

3. He was confused as to why they weren't monitoring my E2 levels.

4. IVF#1 was an 8 day cycle and IVF#2 was a 10 day cycle - VERY short (especially the first one).

5. My eggs didn't grow naturally (around a 14 day window) - they were pushed to pop.

6. They grew way too fast and he doesn't understand that when they saw how well I responded the first time, that they pushed me even harder the second time.

7. Never, EVER, would he have taken me to blastocyst stage.

8. He even does a lot of 2 day transfers (day 3 is great for information gathering but with someone like me - OLD! - put them in the woman's body as soon as possible). He says study after study shows that it is FAR better to have the embryos in the mother. The petri dish is stressful. He cited many studies and they NEVER do blastocysts anymore. For younger couples, they would rather freeze. Too many embryos that would have made it in the mother die in the stressful blast petri dish.

9. LONG Protocol..........lots of blood work..........lupron challenges..........waits for ideal month ............he says it may take several until they feel all of the signs point to START..........they are very patient in trying to get the best possible cycle.

10. I could go crazy knowing the blood, sweat, tears and money that have been put into what seems to be very questionable medical practices.


For my sanity, I have to move forward. I cannot go into that dark, angry, bitter room. My husband is PISSED at Stanford.

Dr. Next was very kind and loving and patient. When he spoke of his questioning Stanford, it was done in a professional manner, it was just hard to interpret what he was saying and realize that I have been fucking my time away.

He gave me an exam. I am 10 pounds heavier than ever but he said that he wasn't concerned about my weight at all. I just feel so fucking fat. I have 17 starting follicles on my right ovary and 15 on my left that he could see and since that was the end of our appointment, he exaggerated how amazing it was that I have so many promising factors to move forward with IVF. Still 20% chance, maybe 30% if they can catch a good cycle but not more. I already knew that and I would question if he said anything different.

I really liked him.

I am to get FSH next week (day 3 - probably Friday) and then they do the Lupron challenge which will be a first.

I can use my $1200 worth of Bravelle but there are no studies that they participate in whatsoever. They are a very private clinic and I was stunned when I got their breakdown of fees and they are about $3,000 less than Stanford.

One more thing, they do not use an anesthesiologist for the retrieval. I told him about my problem (autonomic nervous system shuts down) which he said is a vaso-constrictor reaction that happens sometimes when the cervix is dilated and stabbed with a very sharp instrument. It actually comes hand in hand with low blood pressure - which I have. Interesting.

I know that they will not be dilating my cervix during retrieval, but I am just so afraid of having a bad experience.

I cannot imagine being awake while they are digging and pulling on my ovaries. Anyone who has been awake during retrieval, can you please help me with some information? What was it like?

I really need to run.

I miss my blog friends. I hope all is well.

Thank you for being here for me.