I am trying to watch my language. I have washed my mouth with soap, for now. FOR NOW. I am not making any promises.
ohhhhhhhhhh,,,,,,,,,,,it's hard not to curse so much.
So, my thoughts lately resonate around and about my fate. I had no idea my life would become this .........this...........hellish fight.
I find myself fighting for a child and I am bitter when I see others take reproduction for granted. Why do I have to struggle, fight, scream and cry for such a natural event.
I was prepared when I first met my husband to leave him on the third date when he said that he wasn't sure about children.
"You and I are not headed down the same road. I know I want a family. There is no reason to keep dating when we are clearly not on the same path." I said matter-of-factly.
"I never said I don't want children, I am just stating that I never thought much about it." He said to cover his ass (oops.......bottom).
"Children are not negotiable for me." I said.
I never considered that we should have taken this conversation further.......like...........
"Okay, what if we can't get pregnant easily, what are you willing to do?"
"If we can't have a child in a year, are you agreeable with IUI (intrauterine insemination)?"
"After five IUI's fail, will you consider IVF?"
"If our first $20,000.00 IVF fails, how would you feel about another?"
"When the ever so promising IVF #2 fails, will you let me do IVF#3?"
"Will you allow me to keep going and going and going until my ovaries are ruined?"
Those are the questions I wish I had asked because now I am stuck with a man who has been a trouper through IVF#2 but who is now at a stop sign. I want him to go. I want him to give me more.
He has given so much, so very much more than he ever imagined and yet, I need him to give me more. At least, one more chance.
I know he sees no stop button for me.
I would ruin my ovaries and uterus to have a child.
I so desperately want what is so easy for so many others.
