I want to audition for the "Starting Over" house.

My dear husband said that I am crazy and I don't need it to be publicly displayed on national television. I am capable of spilling the beans of my broken infertile body and seeking the answers of how to truly start over if I can never get pregnant. I am very good at peeling the layers of myself to reveal the deep down honest ugliness that lingers at my core.

For those of you who are too sophisticated to watch daytime crap television, "Starting Over" is a reality show about several therapists working on six women who live in a beautiful home together for about eight weeks. You witness major transformations and can also be a fly on the wall to other people's breakdowns and delight in the fact that you really are normal.


Honestly, I would love to go on that show but moving away from my husband for 8 weeks and thus having two months of absolutely no hope of getting miraculously pregnant are what stop me from really going for it, that, and the fact that I have no video camera to record my audition.

I can see it now. I will be rooming with a 20 year old girl who is trying to deal with her unwanted pregnancy because the therapists will have thought that we would learn ohh so much from each other and I will sit at the daily group sessions only interested when my turn will come so that I can purge my soul and at night, I will dream of strangling the girl in my room or perhaps, I will convince her of giving me her little unwanted baby because I am just so deserving of being a mother and she isn't.

My graduation will occur only after the women have surrounded me and convinced me that it is useless, that my eggs are useless, that my uterus will never house a baby. I am to swear off OPK kits or anything resembling monitoring an ovulation cycle and I will no longer live my life around my menstrual clock.

Come to think of it, I don't want to go there.

I will just have to start my own self over when the time comes.