After my first failed IVF, I found myself heart-smashed at a depth I had never experienced in my life. I just couldn't get myself up. I never considered that IVF may not work.

All of our tests were perfect and I kept telling myself "there is no reason it won't work". I was even so arrogant that I told anyone I came in contact with about my pending pregnancy.

When you finally make the decision to take it to the nuclear level, you can't consider the negatives, or at least I couldn't. I knew that IVF is what I needed and I was excited.

Take the excitement up in a hot air ballon and then crash that motherfucker as fast and hard as you can - that was me. In crumbled bits and confused.

I couldn't move and breathing was a bonus the first few days, I was completely paralyzed and after day 3 I finally got online to research "failed IVF", "rescue ICSI", "8 celled embryos", "PGD success rates", "percentage of people fucked up forever because of trying IVF"......etc. etc. etc...


I use an awesome search engine called "Copernic" (google is only a small part of the search engines so you get immeasurable answers to your queries).

The words chez and miscarriage kept coming up in my searches.


"That is so not funny" I thought.

"Who in the world is making light of miscarriages".

"What in the hell kind of meta tags does this person have to keep appearing in my painful searches".

"Okay, so very not funny, what in the hell is so chez about miscarriage".

I finally clicked on the link, reluctantly. I did not want to read about some ass making light of women having miscarriages.


This was in August of this year, I had never heard of blogs and actually was pronouncing it "blogue". I was lying on my sofa and started laughing. It took me a while to figure out that to read at the beginning, you have to go to the end, so I went to her beginning and started reading.

One of the funniest things ever posted in the blog world is here.

I spent the better part of an afternoon reading her story and for the first time, I felt lighter, I could see myself moving on and I got the strength to stand up on my own two feet and I even managed a smile.


I didn't understand the blog logistics, I was just reading her diary. Having no idea that she was getting tons of emails, I wrote to her. Probably more like, I sobbed to her. She wrote me back immediately and said something to the effect "I know where you are, stay there as long as you need and when you are ready, there will be people here to help you get up".


Most of you who read here already know getupgrrl but for those of you who don't, she is a brilliant writer and an amazing woman who has been undergoing fertility treatments for years and she has been through hell and back.


She is going through hell again at the moment. After finding out that due to DES, she has a t-shaped uterus that was never able to take a baby to term. All of her IVF's and pregnancies were doomed for failure, she has just completed an IVF cycle with a surrogate. Grrl's eggs (great response) and her husband's sperm (what a trouper!) produced excellent blastocysts which even passed the rigorous PGD screening and two beautiful blasts were placed in her gestational surrogate (Sarah) who promptly became pregnant with twins. That was several weeks ago.

Now, Sarah is bleeding. Things are scary.

I could hardly handle my own selfish little baby drama so I am not capable of understanding the depths of anxiety after taking it to that kind of nuclear level. They have been through so much, everything couldn't have been better this time, they need intervention.

I believe in prayers and anyone who is willing, if you could send a little wish or hope or prayer for grrl and her family, they need it right now.

It is not up to us to decide who gets what in life, and life is not fair sometimes but sometimes life is wonderful and miracles can and do happen every day.


Praying for your miracle grrl.