I will know so much in a week. My husband and I are scheduled to go back to our doctor at Stanford. I have a list of 4 questions. Depending on her answers, I will start my second IVF at my next cycle.

My husband does not want to do another IVF as long as we live. I would do 10 if we could.

I am the Mother of all mothers. I was the baby with baby dolls. I was the little girl who couldn't wait to be old enough to babysit. I was the teenager who only wanted to be a mother when she grew up. I never answered "what do you want to be when you grow up" with a college worthy title. I always said "I want to be a wonderful mother to many children and I want to be a good wife". People encouraged me to get a "real job".

I could have married several guys before I married my husband when I was 37. I am still glad I waited for him.

He had never been married either and on our second date he said he didn't have a big desire to have children. I said there was no reason to date again because that is all I have ever wanted........being a mother is my nature. I said "at best we could date and fall in love and I already know we are not headed down the same road in life". He said " wait.....whoa.......I didn't say I never wanted children, I just never thought much about it". I made it clear that being a mother is when I will be in my element. I wanted a family.

We fell in love and were engaged within a year. He is my granite.

My husband is so happy. He thinks we have a wonderful family even if it is just us.

I have a deep hole in my heart weeping for the child that isn't here.

There are some men who say that they never knew the love they could feel for another human being until they had their child. They never knew what they were missing. My husband is ignorant of his love loss. I am fully aware of my love loss.

I am a woman who mourns what I am missing and I am married to a man who is fulfilled.

I saw Celine Dion on Oprah once and I will be exactly like her as mother. Obnoxious. Positively obnoxiously in love with her son. She feels her life began when he was born. I completely comprehend. I comprehend it with every cell of my body.

God love my husband. He is so happy. He is so fulfilled. He is so awesome.

God help me. I should be grateful for so many amazing things and yet my motherlessness overwhelms me.

My questions to my doctor next week.........the consultation that has my lifelong hopes and dreams all balled up suddenly in every second ticking in the 15 minute appointment.

I want to call her with the answers that will satisfy my husband. The answers that he wants to hear to give me another shot. I know I can do this.

I am emotional and feeling. My husband is logical and analytical. I have everything I need before that appointment. My husband will have everything he needs when he leaves.

My questions:

1. What does FSH really mean? If my FSH is 3.4 how can my eggs possibly be the blame?

2. Everything I have read about "rescue ICSI" suggests that severe chromosome abnormalities are the result. Of the nine embryo's that fertilized, how can my eggs be to blame for the severely fucked up embryos?

3. Were all of my eleven eggs mature?

4. Are there any study groups that we can be a part of? ( The money is a huge deal to my husband. We are now looking at ICSI and PGD on top of everything else. My dear love is not about to get a loan or mortgage our house. It is all cash for him. It makes it much more painful when you pay cash.)

I will know in a week.

Perhaps I will slip my doctor a cheat sheet.