Okay, I must say that I feel bad about calling bloggers "self important assholes". I should have said "self important people". Everything else I wrote last night still feels true in my heart.

I used to invest heavily in the stock market and that is the last time I was involved with internet relationships. I guess I thought blogging would be the same type of thing but once you start writing and reading other bloggers you click on more and more names and FOR ME, it just loses its point sometimes.

In reading here, I hope one either walks away thinking "oh....i'm not the only one who thinks that way" or "she's got more problems than me! boy, do I feel better!".

I can only blog from my heart. I was looking for the "right way" or the rules but I found high school type cliques.

We are in pain and the last thing we need is MORE PROBLEMS from blogs! Geez!

Okay, hopefully that is my last time commenting about what I am doing. It would be like commenting about my diary concept while I am supposed to be just writing in it.

If this were my diary, I would be making every page beautiful. I love roses and I have a lot of really beautiful vintage rose stickers I put on letters or envelopes. I would put a sticker on every page if this were my diary. I may start adding more rose pictures here.

My paranoid self came into play today. I have never been this late for a period.

As a side note, I work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. When I am working, I cannot get anything else done and I also hold things off until my days off. If I took my HPT this morning, no matter what it said, it would affect my day.

If it was negative, I would wonder what in the hell is wrong with me. Do I NOW have hormonal problems? Then my thought pattern would take off: "it doesn't make sense and the only reason for being this late and a negative HPT is that I have cysts on my ovaries from the last IVF that are about to rupture or it is an ectopic pregnancy and the blood work will reveal that I have to have surgery and be laid up for a week or two and there could be permanent damage on that side and not to mention the depression ensued for being FINALLY pregnant and it attached to the wrong place.................."

God am I a morbid drama queen.

If it was positive, I would faint on the floor. After coming to my senses (or lack thereof - hahahaha my attempt at a cute sentence) I would have to call into work sick because of euphoria. I would probably cry for three days and be numb for three days just like I was when my IVF failed. I would then make signs for my yard.......not "It's a Boy" or "It's a Girl" .........I would make awesome, beautiful yard signs with roses on them that said "I'M PREGNANT!!"

God that would be awesome. The goal is to have a child but I have never passed the first step so I will celebrate in a huge way just as I have mourned in a huge way. Perhaps the next time I mourn, I will get a beautiful white wreath for my front door.