I am just getting home from my appointment. Stanford is about 2 hours from my house so I had a long drive to try to absorb a lot of information.

My husband whom I will now refer to as "M" was not able to be there. Secretly, I was glad. I can give him the information with my spin.

So, here I sit with a glass of wine. I live in Wine Country for God's sake, you can't blame me for drinking alone.

I was actually on the verge of tears waiting in the room. I felt so desperate now that I look back on it. It also brought back so many memories being in that building. I love that little girl inside of me who was so brave and positive last month. She had no idea what lay ahead just as I sit now. I have no regrets.

My questions were answered:
1. All of my 11 eggs looked excellent. They do not test for "maturity" unless ICSI is being performed because of the cell layer that needs to be removed around an egg but even 23 hours later with the rescue ICSI, the notes were that they looked good.

2. I told her that intuitively I feel that there is something wrong with the mix of M and I. Two post coital tests showed no moving sperm and some of his test results have shown low motility. M had an excellent sperm sample on the day of retrieval. Motility was 79% and they really only want over 40% so he was well above the minimum. Even on day 2 for the rescue ICSI, there were motile sperm. Dr. Beautiful doesn't know if there is something amiss with the mix of us.

3. My low FSH (3.4) is excellent for my age. My low FSH does not guarantee great eggs. Now is when I piped in again about my outstanding lineage of grandmothers having children so late (my grandmother had my mother at 46 and my father's mother had he and his twin brother at 39). My lovely doctor was still unimpressed. I mean, hell, if heredity has so much to do with bad stuff why can't I cash a good chip in??? But .....no. I am old at 41 even though I just turned 41 two weeks ago.

4. There is one study that we can be a part of but it only helps with meds. We were actually in a PGD study last time and that is how I was so fortunate to find out about my terribly fucked up embryos before they transferred them to me.

Lovely Dr. Beautiful told me that I had twice as many eggs as women my age and that they just don't know what happened. She was shocked too when none fertilized and was pleasantly surprised when so many responded to the desperate rescue ICSI. She said that they don't know and even past experience and previous IVF's does not mean the same thing will happen again. Every cycle is different.

I told her I am so close. Either to having a baby or having an answer. I said I wanted ICSI and PGD if I do IVF again. She said she didn't recommend PGD for me. That was a huge surprise. I have been so thankful for PGD and now she doesn't recommend it for me again. Her thoughts are that my goal is to have a baby. PGD or no PGD will not change the results of a live birth. Unhealthy embryos will not implant and grow (I guess my seriously fucked up ones won't anyway). She said that they are very aggressive with transfers. If I have 9 good looking embryos, they will put all 9 in!!!! I DID tell her about my lineage! She said that she can count on one hand the number of multiples of a woman my age. GEEZ

Okay, now I am done with my glass of wine and I actually thought writing all of this down would help me get settled. Right now, I still want PGD. It is over $4,000 on top of everything else but I was so grateful for it last time.

Long pause here.......

There has been a gap of 15 minutes since I last typed.

M just called. I told him we could talk when he got home that I had so much information but no clear answers. He asked some questions so of course I spilled the beans. Everything I could remember.......she said........then I said.

I am crying right now and so filled with love for my husband. He said that we will try again. One more time. He said that I was amazing and that this is our only option for having our baby.

I want a baby for my nursery. God help me if you will.