It is now late on Monday and still nothing. Makes you want to go hmmmmmmm.

I may take another HPT tomorrow morning. The last one was Saturday but that should have shown positive given when I was ovulating.

I think it is rude to post such suspense and then not post again for a few days. I have hated it when I have started reading about someone and they leave everyone hanging for 2-3 days until they post again.

To be honest, I am rather disillusioned with these other blogs. I am reading a lot of cute stuff from a cute clique. A bunch of buddies that I eavesdrop on.

I have so much going on in my life and it mostly has to do with heartache and pain. I SO do not care to read so many "cute" entries.

I don't even care if anyone reads this.

This is for me. This is my journal and the only reason I am not writing in a book by my bed is that perhaps there is ONE woman who is going through the same thing as me and gets some relief from her pain.

Shit. this sucks.

Everything about it sucks.

I think that I search for comfort from anywhere and I need to look inside myself. I have to fight the big fight and if I lose, then I need to carry on with my life.

I am at the end of my struggle. After my failed IVF, I was completely paralyzed for 3 days. DEVASTATED and could not find comfort. During my "failed IVF" research, I found some blogs. Some LOVELY blogs and then I started this one. This is such a new world to me and I am learning a lot; what I like and what I don't like.

I'm not finding a lot that I like at the moment. It could all be stemming from me but I find a lot of self important assholes who blog.

This is not a game. This is not bullshit. This is my life and my future and my heartache.

I WANT TO HAVE A BABY!

I don't know what is going on with my body. I am so tenderly, naively, hopeful that it could be a miracle. And it WOULD be a miracle if I am pregnant right now. I have never been this late and that makes it hurt and suck more.

Tonight I was thinking that perhaps the next cycle after IVF is askew. I thought of doing a "copernic" search to read all I could about "first cycle after IVF failure" but I don't have the energy. I could spend two hours reading so much and only the future holds the answer.

If I decide to do the HPT in the morning then I will post if it is positive. I will also post if I start my period. Only because I have hated being on the other end of wondering.

My blog will know before anyone. This is my haven. My secret. My sanctuary.