In my sweet Southern accent, I phoned my local doctors office today and demanded to be seen ASAP. Stanford is two hours away so I opted for my local obgyn who I like very much.

Nurse who I can't stand but am nice to only because I am so desperate was on the phone:

Ratchet: "Mrs. M. the doctor can see you Monday."

Sweet Me: "I believe I have an ectopic pregnancy and will most likely be dead on Monday. Today will have to do."

Ratchet: "Mrs. M. , What are your signs and symptoms?"

Sweet Me: "Ummmmmmmm.....Wayell (translation = well) I have just completed a very involved cycle of IVF"

Ratchet: interrupting me "so did it work? are you pregnant?"

Sweet Me: "Wayell, noooooo and that was last month and this is my first cycle after IVF and I am 10 days late for my period and I know that something is seriously wrong with me. I am having occasional sharp pains on my right ovary side."

Ratchet: "So, let me get this straight. You went through IVF at Stanford and it didn't work and now you think you are pregnant?"

Sweet Me: "Stranger things have happened."

bitchy, condescending silence on her end of the phone

Sweet Me: " It COULD happen."

longer bitchy silence

Sweet Me: "Shall I come now and wait or can you find an opening?"

Ratchet: "We'll squeeze you in at 1:15"

Sweet Me: hung up on her

M. took me to the doctor because I just knew I was destined for the hospital and emergency surgery to remove my right fallopian tube due to the miracle embryo who was too stupid to embed in the right place.

It took me forever to get dressed for the appointment. For some reason, when I want to be a bitch and have an attitude .........well.......... I like to look good.

I walked into the office and signed my name in calligraphy .......well........ why the hell not!

My sweet doctor asked me some questions and immediately performed an ultrasound after I went over the past two hellacious months with him. He even asked "So, you think you got pregnant AFTER the IVF cycle?" I just smiled with my newly whitened teeth and nodded.

The ONLY thing he saw on that ultrasound was the possibility of an uncollapsed follicle that could be filled with blood. He said everything really looked great and there were no explanations and it didn't look like I would start my period within the next 5 days! That would make me more than 15 days late.

Nurse Ratchet smiled at me condescendingly when I left. I smiled back.

Monday I will call Stanford and inform them of my terrible fucked up cycle and the need to reschedule all of the next IVF dates.

If I am so inclined, I may just get them to give me a second opinion on my ectopic pregnancy.