Okee dokey.

We have ignition. We have lift off. I think I am going to vomit.

I just phoned my doctor. Even though I started my period a week and a half late, my IVF schedule stays the same. I will just not take as many of the BCP's.

I have said "yes" to being a guinea pig at Stanford.

I was part of a PGD study last month (they were trying to find out if PGD reduces the rate of miscarriage and increases pregnancy rates in women who have never been pregnant). I was lucky enough to be in the study group and not the control group. I think they were disappointed in my results as there were none to transfer. At least they had nine embryos to test.

This time I am enrolled in a Letrozole study. They are interested in finding out if adding letrozole to IVF schedules increases the quality and quantity of oocytes. Letrozole is similar to Clomid. I spent a few hours doing my copernic search and I decided to go ahead with the study. Letrozole is more often used as a breast cancer drug.

What I am worried about:

I am worried that I am messing with a good thing. I responded really well with the last IVF meds.

I am worried that I will reduce the quality of my eggs by taking letrozole.

I am worried that because this is my last shot at becoming pregnant, I will never forgive myself for screwing up what had already proven itself to be a good thing.

I am worried that I will struggle more with this IVF just knowing that THIS IS IT.

What I am hopeful about:

I am hopeful that letrozole gives me one or two more embryo possibilities.

I am hopeful that I respond as well as I did last month.

I am hopeful that I will stay as stress free as I did last month (when the time comes).

I am most hopeful that I will have an occupant for my nursery.


Sometimes when I am weak and need guidance, I imagine a wise old man on a mountain and I listen to him. I get the message. He is my wise self. I pray a lot too but this is different than God.

Last night while I lay in bed, I imagined my October Julianna instead. She was not happy. She had her head down and she walked slowly towards me. I thought she would run like a lunatic if it didn't work but instead she was calmly sad. I felt what it felt like to be sitting in the agony of "it is completely over".

I got the message that this is the journey I must take. This is where I need to go and what I need to do - no matter what.

I will be okay.




*Note to self: Do not tell every Tom, Dick and Harry you run into that you are doing IVF - keep your mouth shut!!! Do not tell everyone the due date of the future baby. Do not tell everyone the astrological sign of the baby and how compatible it will be to M. and I. Do not tell every person within earshot about when the first trimester will be over. SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE for once!