My sharps container is getting full and my box of meds is getting empty.

Today, I started with my Cetrotide so that is a whopping three injections at a time.

I am getting worse with my injections. I have two bruises on my stomach and one super duper bruise on my left thigh. Yesterday, I somehow dropped the syringe just after I stabbed next to my belly button, the needle stayed in but the syringe handle pointed to the floor, completely vertical. Just the thought of what that needle was doing makes me shiver.

Last night I didn't sleep as well but I did take a 2 hour nap late yesterday afternoon. Deep breathing helps.

It appears that I should have been taking the Antagon at night.

Dr. Beautiful mentioned it Tuesday morning "you're taking the Antagon at night right?"

Beautiful Ovaried Me: "no.....both in the morning. I was never told any different."

Dr. Beautiful: "that's fine."

Fast forward to yesterday.

Nice Nurse who was called into my room to explain Cetrotide to me: "You're injecting the Antagon at night, right?"

Beautiful Ovaried Me: "no. I was never told that. Last time I was on Follistim and was instructed to do that in the morning. No one ever said any different with this IVF. So I did what I did last time."

Nice Nurse: "Does Dr. Beautiful know?" I nodded yes. "Okay then. It will be okay. Sometimes Dr. Beautiful has the ovum donor patients take the Antagon in the morning. Now, back to your Cetrotide. You really are reading too much into this."

Beautiful Ovaried Me: "It is incredibly confusing. None of these meds are the same as my last IVF. Antagon says 400 IU but it is really 600 IU. Repronex box says 75IU but if you read closely it says 75IU of FSH and 75IU of LH but that is not to add up to 150IU so I do a double dose which I never did for IVF#1. I AM nervous about all of this. I need to be confident that I am doing everything correctly."

Nice Nurse: "You're doing fine."

I smiled my big smile and told her thank you for her time.

I feel like I am kissing the ass of everyone at that place. I am so desperate for this to work. For some reason, I think being friendly and nice will up the odds of success.


M. is PISSED. There really is NO excuse for them to not have instructed me better with my meds. Fighting with Dumbass Nurse took everything out of me before I had to get on my raft. I told him I needed him to increase the concrete around my pool of calm. The raft I am laying on is swaying a bit from the ripples that have penetrated.

M. paid the IVF#2 balance in full on Monday so it like buying a car that has a 20% chance of coming home with you. Actually, that is not a good analogy. It is like buying a dream and then living with the pain of failure for the rest of your life.

M. calls me his Warrior Princess now all the time. No Julianna, I am now his Warrior Princess.

I tried to not get too upset about the "follicles are not growing as fast" comment from yesterday. Last night I got all of my IVF#1 information and compared the appointment dates. They did ultrasound #1 on Day 8 and ultrasound #2 on day 11 and that is when they were huge and I had to trigger that night.

This IVF, I had my first ultrasound on day 7 and the second ultrasound on day 9 so OF COURSE my measurements are not going to be the same as last time. It makes me feel better anyway.

I am the Queen of my own reality.

Wait until I get to transfer! I have never made it that far and I will celebrate in a big way. I am not above begging my doctor to put in pretend embryos should the worse occur like last time. My babies will be so happy to be inside of me. I WILL be pregnant then. I don't care what anyone else says. I will be pregnant as soon as my embryos are inside of me.


That's my reality and I'm happy in it.