Fight or Flight

I am flighting.

M. has offered to send Uta and I to Palm Springs for several days. We are to leave Thursday and come back late Saturday.

It will be nice to start my IVF#2 injections while on vacation. I'll sit in the cabana and inject my fake tanned thighs.

I got my meds this morning from the Boston pharmacy with a nice note.

"Dear Julianna,

This shipment does not contain Repronex. We are back ordered on Repronex and expect it to arrive to our facilities on Friday ...........etc......."

FRIDAY!

I am to start Repronex and Bravelle on Thursday. I am to give myself my first injections while traveling down the freeway Thursday morning at 10:00 a.m..

I had it all planned. I live near Monterey, CA. Palm Springs is a 5+ hour drive. Uta and I were to package my meds like a mother packs for her baby. My babies (meds) were going to be in a cooler. Ice at the bottom. Sodas, cold cuts, cheese then a hand towel then my meds. I don't want frozen meds. I just need them to stay cool.

I called a nurse at Stanford to see if they could call in a prescription STAT. I needed the meds ordered today and overnighted to my office tomorrow. Given that I can't count on anyone to do anything right, I had little faith that this med problem would get solved.

The nice nurse was not in so Dumbass Mini-Me came to the phone with a serious attitude. I told her my situation. I was being ever so friendly and pretending not to notice that I knew who she was. She said in a curt voice that she could call it in to a pharmacy in CA for me.

Surprise, surprise.....she DID call it in and I spoke to the nice pharmacist and he said he would overnight it to me at my office tomorrow - not to worry.

I called Dumbass Mini-Me and told her "I just wanted to call and say thank you so very much for taking care of my dilemma". She said it was her pleasure. Hmmmm... making progress.

Dumbass Mini-Me is Dumbass' good friend. She was actually VERY pleasant when I called to thank her.

"You get more with sugar.........." I can just hear my mother talking to me.

I so do not want to fight anymore. I am so tired of fighting.

I am going to Palm Springs. I am going to start my injections while on vacation with my best friend and we actually have another friend coming from LA to be with us. It should be a nice time. I won't be able to drink pina colada's at the pool with them but I will have a glass of wine with dinner. I drank wine last time and it didn't hurt anything. Red wine is good .........right?

I was thinking.......not everything is bad.

I was laying on my stomach in bed last night and I thought with my face scrunched on the pillow, I am going to make wrinkles like this. Then I thought........Hey........perhaps I am smoothing a wrinkle. It doesn't all have to be bad.

I was attacked by a shark in July. Just before IVF#1, I was at Ponte Vedra Beach in Florida and was bumped and bumped and bumped by a shark. It was a baby. Perhaps four feet long and it was circling me and being very aggressive. I have a scream that is tribal. It is involuntary and it happens when I am scared. My tribal scream can be heard for miles. If I tell you everyone was leaving the water and mothers were running to pull their children from the crashing waves, you should believe me. A lifeguard came to save me and said it was just a baby shark that was curious. After I went ashore, I actually thought it was a good sign. Like how rare is it to be attacked by a shark? Probably as rare as being struck by lightening or winning the lottery or me becoming pregnant.

Good impossible things can happen like bad impossible things.

If I think I may get cancer, I should also believe I can have a baby.

Why is it always negative? So, wine is good. It relaxes me and makes my eggs grow. I sleep soundly and am relaxed after a glass of wine. Not more than one, but one is good.

I am getting positive people. I am getting ready to enter my pool of calm.

I am ready to be struck by lightening. The lightening of a baby inside of me.