I think I may be depressed. I am thrilled to say that I have never been "depressed" before.

I am dramatic. I am emotional and I let myself be sad for however long I need to be. But I would not say that I have ever been the "d" word.

I am part to blame. I let everyone within earshot know that I was doing IVF last month. I even told people the due date (April 2nd). Yes. I did that. Surely these acquaintances winced when I had the nerve to go that far.

Office Manager: "Julianna, can you work extra days next month?"

Sweet Me: "Sorry, no. I am doing IVF in a couple of weeks and by the way, my maternity leave will start in early March. Yep, baby due April 2nd and I will need my bedrest. It will probably be twins. Twins would be nice because M. and I are both Leo's and with twins you usually deliver early, so Aries children would be much more compatible with Leo parents. That's what I was just told anyway. Yep. Fingers crossed on the Aries."



Golf Pro: "Julianna, you still have two more golf lessons with your golf package. Didn't you say you had a tournament coming up? We'll work on your driver."

Sweet Me: "Maybe next year. I'm starting IVF and I won't be twisting my ovaries. I could work on my putting but I don't want to bend so much to pick up my balls. I don't even think I will play much after the first trimester. Don't want to risk anything you know! Took me FOREVER to get pregnant."



Neighbor: (in her front yard with 5 other women golfers and I was getting my mail) "Julianna! Come here! I want you to meet my friends. We need more women golfers at the country club. You'd be a great asset. I told them all about you." neighbor looking at them and saying how she played with me and how "perfectly delightful" I was to play with.

Sweet Me: "Hi! Nice to meet all of you! Oh, thank you so much for inviting me and I so enjoyed playing golf with you too. You are such a doll! I won't be playing golf for a while though. M. and I are getting ready to do IVF. I don't think I will play even after the first trimester because it has been so difficult getting pregnant. Thank you anyway though!"



Wine group organizer: "This month, Sommelier's In Training will be held at Larry's house. The theme will be wines of the Rhone so everyone is bringing a bottle from the Rhone region of France. Don't forget to bring information about the winery you choose and a bit about the particular wine you brought"

Sweet Me: "Oh! I was going to call you! M. and I will not be able to attend S.I.T. for a while. I am starting IVF this week. I don't know when M. and I will be able to attend another meeting because I won't be drinking throughout the pregnancy nor when I am nursing."



Need I say more?



Now I avoid these people like the plague. They smile at me hopefully and I smile back and say "no, it didn't work! But thank God for modern medicine and the opportunity. It truly is amazing what they can do! The way they perform such miracles and can actually retrieve your eggs and then manipulate everything to fertilize. It is just amazing!" The end of my sentence makes it easy to then start talking about anything else. "Geez! It has been so hot lately! I have to water my flowers every day. I miss ONE day, ONE DAY and they begin to wilt!

I have no integrity. For me, integrity is :

What you feel = What you say = What you do

I cannot say or do what I feel.


I stay inside a lot. I water my wilting flowers after checking that my neighbor is not in her yard. I drive in and out of the back gate and not near the front gate where the driving range is so I can avoid the waves from the golf pros and other neighbors.

I don't call people back.

I don't return emails.

I work two days a week. Tuesdays and Wednesdays. My upcoming IVF schedule requires me to take off two Tuesdays and one Wednesday. I am booked up for 3 months so I HAD to tell them to re-schedule my patients. I had to tell them.

I have two emails from people wanting me to play in a tournament coming up. I haven't played golf since June. I can't bring myself to go to that driving range. I need to write to them and tell them that I can't play. I can't play because the tournament is the end of this month, about when I should be in a hotel room on bed rest for 3 days. I don't know what to say when I say "no thank you". "I'll be out of town" wouldn't really be a lie. Perhaps that is what I will write to them. God forbid I talk on the phone. They will hear it in my voice.

I am a gambler. I am an "ALL IN" kind of girl. I grab life by the horns and I ride the bull. I am not a victim. I make things happen. I have the patience of a Saint and I am extremely resilient. I don't give up easily. If something doesn't work, I think of another way to make it happen.

I am clever. M. is brilliant. I would much rather be clever than brilliant.

I am "ALL IN" for the most important event in my life. No matter how clever I am, this is it. I had to beg, cajole, and grovel to get M. to believe enough that IVF can work after a complete failure.

I have my pocket pair (albeit low pockets) and I have not paired on the flop. I still have hope on the turn and the river.

I can't look.