Marla just got bad news. I am so very sad for her heart right now. It seems to me that there is a 20% success rate in blog land just as in real life.

I cry for another heartache.
I cry for my own selfish self who heard the same exact thing last month. I know how she feels right now, today. I wish I couldn't write that and it be true.
I cry because I am scared to death that I will hear the same exact thing this month.

Does saying "i'm sorry" help?

It did for me ............. now that I think about it.

What hurts worse? for me......questions. The questions everyone asks after failure. You have to be alert and patient and answer so many simple and complicated questions. I couldn't think much less answer "what did the doctor say", "what went wrong?", "is this common".......and on and on and on. "What did the doctor say?" - A LOT "What went wrong?" - A LOT "Is this common?" - A LOT.

I told my husband I needed to go away. PLEASE, PLEASE take me away. Take me to our favorite place. Cambria is near the Hearst Castle and there is a beautiful road along the Pacific Ocean called Moonstone Beach Drive. There are some nice Inn's and we were lucky enough to get an ocean view room.

Cambria is where M. took me for our very first trip together. Cambria is where we fell in love. Cambria is where we first made love. Cambria is where M. proposed 6 months later. Our initials are not visible on the bench anymore after I said "yes".

So we went to Cambria for me to have a break down. I wanted to not be home, not hear the phone, not look at my refrigerator decorated with schedules and shot targets and how I rotated them so perfectly - rotated my injections in a clockwise circle - arm, stomach, thigh, thigh, stomach, arm save the butt for the more painful ones.

Instead of a break down, I was okay there. I had my break down when I got home. Perhaps if it happens next time, I will time my trip accordingly.

Moonstone Beach Drive beach has jade. Real, beautiful jade. If you look in the sand, you will see it. Everywhere. No one really knows about it. Most people walk on it with no appreciation.

I was told about the jade. M. and I got beautiful jade our first trip there. I have the jade we collected when he proposed.

So, this last time, I went rock hopping into the Pacific so I could be with the seals. I wanted to be out there. As far as I could get. Stretching and reaching with the ocean splashing under me. I'm a good swimmer and knew if I fell, I could get back to shore easily. I didn't care if I fell to be honest. I wanted another bruise. M. was in the room. I was alone.

There were many seals and of course baby seals. I didn't even mind them. I sat on a sharp rock until my butt hurt.

I rock hopped back to shore, stretching and tugging is more like it. The tide was coming in and I was getting wet.

Once I got to shore, I saw the jade in the sand. I knelt there and very, very carefully got 9 pieces of jade.

I got to our room, M. was out of the shower and I announced that I got my jade. He looked at the table where I had set them.

"What is this? And why did you pick this one? Julianna?? What made you pick this one up too?" pointing to different stones

He looked at me like I was completely losing it.

"I got the most fucked up pieces of jade I could find. They represent our terribly fucked up nine embryos"

"Good for you" he said.

Later that night he went and re-carved our initials in a bench.

God bless all the fucked up embryos and all of the fucked up mothers.