I have spent all morning trying to get my fiasco straightened out.

Ended up even worse.

How do you spill the beans when there are too many to take? How do you choose which beans to pull out in order to get your point across and yet not to overload?

I spoke to a nurse (a new nurse), I tried to keep it simple.

Told new nurse what dumbass said "Don't worry about the meds. I can take care of the meds. Made husband say yes to IVF#2 because of meds being covered. Have $5,700.00 worth of meds waiting to be sent to begin injections next week. Dumbass isn't returning my phone calls. We will not be able to move forward with IVF #2 if we have to pay an additional $5,700.00 that we weren't counting on. I am left chasing her around for over a week and I have no idea what is going on. There are even meds on my order that aren't in my protocol." I then asked if she could help. I need my meds by Friday.

New nurse put me on hold.

Dumbass comes to phone. says: That she is in charge of ovum donor now and should have never said she would help me. That letrozole study is getting me meds and she is out of the picture. Why do I keep trying to get her involved.

I reminded her that letrozole study only covers small amt of meds and reminded her of our discussion about me entering the study or not. My big question was "if I enter the study, does that effect the meds you were going to get me"- Reminded her that she said "no, I can still get you your meds".

I read a lot about letrozole on the internet. I knew that I could be a part of a study that Stanford was conducting but that only a SMALL amount of meds were covered. My being in the letrozole study had nothing to do with the miniscule amount of meds that it is giving to participants.

The rest of the conversation resulted in her bitchy attitude towards me.

I asked her: "what does don't worry about the meds, i can take care of the meds mean to you? Does that mean that I was to assume you didn't mean it. Does that mean that I should assume that I will get a $5,700.00 pharmacy bill?"

no response

"What does "don't worry about the meds" mean?"

she is silent

"I am a dental hygienist in a gum surgeons office (the stupid bitch wouldn't have known what a periodontist is so I had to keep it simple for her). Let's say you are my patient and I say to you when you are preparing for your surgery, don't worry about the meds, I can get you the meds? Is it unreasonable of you to be shocked when you get a call from a pharmacy to pay $5,700 for the meds they need to send you? Is it then unreasonable of you to try to get it straightened out?"

She said: "we are not a clinic".

Really? I thought I was driving 2 hours and paying cash because I always heard what a great clinic Stanford University is.

She said: "I told you I could fill out compassionate care for you to get some meds. I told you that the same meds in the study are what I was going to be able to get you. When you said that you were going to be in the study, then I didn't need to be involved anymore. You do not get compassionate care and study meds. Do you think that we are clinic?"

The bitch said the clinic word again. Yes. She said it. She shouldn't have. Sent me over the edge.....it did........it did.

Me: "So let me get this straight. When you said 'i can get you the meds' it meant that you were presenting yourself as a clinic and I should have known better? How very foolish of me. I should have gotten the riddle and known you were just kidding! The $33,000.00 drop in the bucket we are doling out should have clued me in to the fact that I am not going to a clinic and how very foolish of me to think you would be suggesting anything close to what a clinic would do."

" How very stupid of me to chase you around like a child in Tijuana asking for a hand out. We pay CASH. In my world $5,700.00 is a lot of money."

" $5,700.00 is significant. Good for you if it isn't in your world. Speaking of worlds, I don't know which world you are living in because it is clearly not mine. I have NEVER heard the words compassionate care and the conversation that you think you had with me was in your other world. That conversation was in some other place, it was not with me. Just so you know, this is rather important to me. I pay attention. I don't forget things. I have an IQ of 156 and I have a good memory. Your recollection of what you told me is false. You are either incredibly stressed and confused or you lie. Either way, you are interfering with a very important part of my life. I take it quite seriously and how dare you, you a person who is in charge of such important things as embryos and lives and parents be so condescending and rude. How dare you speak to me as if I am an irritant in your life. How dare you make my life so much more stressful than it ever needed to be."

She said "I will talk to the Dr. in charge of the study and see what meds are covered. I should never have tried to help you"

I said "So now you are saying you don't even know what meds were in that study? And back to your helping me. NO. No you shouldn't have. Your kind of help I don't need. Do not ever try to help me again. Thank you very much"

She said she would talk to Dr. Letrozole and then hung up on me. I'm sure she is running around telling everyone what a bitch I am etc...etc...etc...

Spoke with my husband. Too much for him to even understand. He is a one sentence type of guy.

He said "they said they'd take care of meds, now they say they won't so we'll wait until there IS a study like last time".

He doesn't get it that my eggs are cooking. That I have been on BCPs and have my first appt. Friday and I have my days covered the week I am to get my eggs retrieved at the end of the month. Actually, my office already rescheduled my patients for those dates.

Two things:

I can hear my mother - "don't cut off your nose to spite your face."

I can hear Confucius - "if you can't move forward, quit beating your head against the wall"

Sometimes things just aren't meant to be. Like perhaps all of the fuck ups before IVF #1 were signals to RUN - DON'T DO IT!

Perhaps these are more signs of what is meant to be or not.

Perhaps life is a struggle and you have to keep fighting and fighting regardless of the signs.

The reality is that it just doesn't appear that this is meant to be right now. It is too much.

Too many bad things.

Too many beans.