Que sera sera - what an appropriate saying for me right now.


I got dressed and met some girlfriends for lunch today. It was nice to get out among the living. They were quite emotional after I caught them up with the goings on in my life the past week. They are SO positive that this is it - they feel so confidant that I am pregnant. My heart sinks when I think "what if I'm not".

I have been doing very well. I do need to quit searching about blastocysts on the internet. For the most part, it is very good news. I know that I have one beautiful, perfect blastocyst and another that looks very good as well. I am not really liking the third blastocyst in the picture anymore. I mean, I love it, but it doesn't look as hopeful as the other two but it could have been at an earlier stage than the other two and still be okay. We already know that the fourth blastocyst is not promising and I don't even have a picture of it. So, from my internet education online in the past two days, it appears that I have two very promising blastocysts in my uterus. Now I think I'm a friggin embryologist!

I mean truly, usually they never put in more than two and a blastocyst has a 50% plus chance of implanting once it has gone that far. So, I have four (really three and a half but that is okay), and the odds of one taking are very, very good from everything I've been reading.

My lovely M. is going to be in Florida all next week. He leaves Monday morning and comes back Friday afternoon. My beta is Tuesday morning at 7:30 a.m..

As I have said before, I only work on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. The last time I was at work was three weeks ago due to this IVF schedule. My boss has been incredibly accommodating and I don't want to ask off for yet another day. It will be good for me to work on Tuesday so that I am not going completely insane waiting for the all important phone call.

I am trying to protect myself. I am trying to do what is best for me whether the news is good or bad.

I have decided to have the nurse call M. on his cell phone with the beta results. His phone works the same in Florida as it does here in California.

I don't want to be at work and have my heart sink every time the phone rings and a phone rings a lot in a dental office! It is what it is and I can't drive myself crazy all day. I'd rather know at the end of the day. That is best for me.

I commute an hour so I think I should wait until I get home to call M. to find out if I am indeed pregnant.

I also think that I want him to call my mother and his mother with the news - whatever it is.

This is when it is so difficult being so far away from family.

My girlfriends today said that they will be at my house when I get home from work Tuesday. They don't want me here alone. That is very sweet of them but I don't know if I really want them here.

M. and I moved here 2 years ago so, needless to say, my friends here are new friends. I am grateful for their kindness but if the news is bad, I don't know if I want them to see me that vulnerable. That raw vulnerability of death pain. Like when someone dies that is close to you. That kind of pain is better left for family, not newly found friends.

The other side of this is that I am a survivor. I am not a victim. I will weep and mourn but I will do what I need to do to soldier on and have a happy life. I will not let circumstances out of my control ruin my precious life. It is just the process of the healing that I don't want to see myself go through.

In spite of this post, I am actually 80% positive that I am pregnant. 80% positive that I should be pregnant given the accumulated data.

It is in God's hands. I will never, ever regret doing IVF. It has been the worst thing in my life so far. A very involved (emotionally, financially, physically) process that I don't wish on anyone. It is truly amazing though what medical science can do and for that, I am grateful.

Enough of that!

Back to happy baby thoughts. oooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

oooooooooommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm