It was nice to get home yesterday afternoon. I love my house smell. You know when you've been gone a while or when you go to your mother's house, every home has that distinct smell.
I cannot go up and down stairs. So, once I am downstairs, I am here all day.
It is so weird, I feel fine and yet I have to stay laying down except for the few occasions when getting up is necessary.
I will do anything to get pregnant so if they said I needed to do a shoulder stand 8 hours a day, I'd be on my shoulders for 9 hours.
This will not fail because of anything I did or did not do. We asked Dr. Beautiful about the drive home (2 hours). She said it would be fine. She told us about two women - one had a folk dance contest the evening of her transfer and has a healthy pregnancy and another one who had a multi-mile run she was competing in 3 days after transfer and she is pregnant also. I immediately thought: "those stupid bitches" and then the other part of me thought: "of course" - it is almost like the more you want it, the more apt it is to fail. It seems sometimes that if you have a don't-give-a-fuck attitude, things work better.
I do give a fuck.
I am feeling positive. I was searching about blastocysts endlessly yesterday and I found a picture that looks so much like our one beautiful blastocyst so I will post it here.
Day 5 Blastocyst
The developing fetus itself is the area marked as "ICM" (inner cell mass)
The blastocoel cavity in the center is marked as "C"
The trophectoderm cells that will form the placenta surround the cavity - one is marked with a "T"
Of course, I am obsessed with every word the embryologist and doctor said. I re-play it over and over again in my head. I was rather sedated when they were talking so I keep asking M. what they said. How good were the other two? As good as "very good" or good as in "okay good".........The picture we have has three of the blastocysts and it is already getting worn on the edges from me picking it up and staring at them and comparing them to other pictures on the internet. The other two weren't as distinctly separated as this perfect one was but from what I am finding online, they look pretty good.
Someone needs to unscrew me from the ceiling.
I know the fourth was "not so good" and that is okay. I'd rather have it in me than in that petri dish.
From what I can tell, they usually don't push the blast stage for women over 37 due to the high risk. So, I am grateful that everything looked so good that we actually had several last that long and still look promising. I am just trying so hard to comfort that little girl inside of me and trying to convince her that everything is okay and even good.
Actually, I am relaxed most of the time and so very hopeful.
Fear is a terrible thing.
I wonder if a cushion of fear helps the fall. Last time, I had no negative thoughts. I kept telling myself, "why won't it work?" and plugged along. There were SO many reasons why it won't work. I was so naive.
I find myself preparing a huge cushy pillow just in case I need it. I have also thought about what to do with the nursery.
My nursery for a baby is not the issue. What if there is no baby? What am I going to do with that room? I don't want it to be a source of pain forever if things should not work out. Somehow it is easier to plan for that now, now that I still have hope. I don't want to plan for it when I am devastated and useless. Kind of like planning a funeral. I'd rather have it planned just in case. We do not need another guest room so I think the only thing that makes sense is to make it a shrine to myself. Like a fancy parlor room or a craft room or a make-up room with lovely mirrors and a beautiful chaise lounge to read magazines. I do not want that room to be painful. Not ever. Not because of everything we have tried.
Okay, enough of that. The nursery room already has a day bed in it because I thought that would be perfect if I needed to sleep in there some nights should a baby be ill or need more attention. The room will inevitably be of shabby chic design, whether a boy or girl is the occupant. I have a collection of hat boxes and vintage baby shoes displayed in there. I also already have my make-up vanity and even a little game table area. There is a book case and a little painted rocking chair. The toddler rocking chair was my nephew's when he was young. My sister gave it to me for good luck. I painted it white a few months ago and inscribed in calligraphy on the bottom "To my precious angel, Love, Mommy" and I dated it.
It will take me about a day and a half to get that room in nursery condition and it will take me an eternity to convert it to the unmentionable.
I need to keep with the positive thoughts. Gentle, tender, loving positive thoughts. I have so much to be thankful for and I am so very grateful I have made it this far.
