Getting a bit anxious over here and trying to get a grasp.

I am trying very hard to make my days go by well with as little stress as possible.

It can be torturous.

Time stands still. In three days, I will have results.

I feel momentum building, building inside of me. It is not pleasant, it is fear driven. How much control does one or can one have over ones emotions? I try to force the positive thoughts, I try to make myself look and feel optimistic and grateful. I AM grateful. I cannot imagine all of this going so incredibly, amazingly well with this IVF for it to be a complete failure. I will be completely knocked on my ass if I do not get a positive beta on Tuesday.

I find myself being very selfish and everyone is getting on my nerves. I hear people tell me stories or tales and I am only annoyed. Annoyed that they would think I have energy right now for anything trivial. I roll my eyes on the phone when people are talking to me.

My moment in time right now, this very second, is the most important thing that has ever happened to me - EVER. The concept of that is not explainable or understandable to anyone other than myself and perhaps a few of you out there in blog land.

If I was getting ready to take the bar exam in three days, people would be more appropriate than they are being right now.

Right now, I answer the phone to hear bullshit about planning a surprise birthday party in November, I hear bullshit about a handyman being late, I hear bullshit about a cousin graduating, I hear bullshit about a housewarming party and did I get the wine and cheese platter delivered like I said I would......... and I am expected, EXPECTED, to be patient and kind and attentive.

The world is going on around me and I am in the center with everything moving in slow motion.

If I was taking a bar exam in three days, I think my friends and loved ones would be focused on me. They would not expect me to be on the phone caring about their ho hum daily events.

My life is magnified right now. M A G N I F I E D more than 100 times.

I find myself wanting to tell everyone to shut the fuck up. I am not answering my phone anymore today. I have just decided. Good. Next.

Does my stream of consciousness writing make sense? I am not a writer, I don't care to be a writer. I am a feeler. I am an emotional feeling woman and I write in this blog like I would my diary only sometimes I have to explain a bit more here.

My lovely husband is at a winery today. Our friends own a winery and every so often, M. goes to help with tastings. I want to go there but I have a dilemma. It will be great for me to be out among the living and meeting and socializing and being all fakey smiley to strangers just to keep my mind busy and make this day go by faster, but I won't be tasting and I'll be standing the whole time. I could have one taste and make it last an hour which will be difficult, difficult only because I love wine and especially their reds, I could care less what people think if I am drinking or not or why.

My friends and loved ones are who are getting on my nerves.

I could be more patient with strangers bullshit stories because they don't know any better. They don't know what is going on inside of me. However, if there was a little peep hole into my inner workings they would scatter away and fast! I would be a people repellent of the worst kind.

I am ever so friendly. I am a gracious hostess. I am fun to be around. I make people feel important and I listen - as in hear - them. I pay attention and I care. I think that is why I am so annoyed at the lack of that on other people's parts right now.

I will bite the head off of the next person I talk to on the phone who expects me to CARE about anything other than myself right now.

I can be a bitch. I am not afraid to speak my mind, I just try to bite my tongue and not hurt feelings.

I am getting very close to losing friends and insulting people. Too funny....instead of win friends and influence people.......ohhhhhhh goodness. How to lose friends and repel people - now that would be an easy book!

I know what my mother would say, "they don't know any better", "people are just trying to keep you busy and let you know they care", "people don't really know what to say", "people don't want you to dwell on yourself".........yadda, yadda, yadda.

Wow! I am a bitch today.

Okay, I feel better after writing. I am going to get dressed and drive up to the winery. It is a beautiful day.

We have steaks out for the grill tonight so that will be enjoyable.

Thank you dear blog friends for everything, more than anything, thank you for understanding me. I feel very validated here. I think that is the healing element in blogs. The being heard and validated.

Just be glad you're not one of my phone friends!!! LMAO!!



Supposedly, this really happened:

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She
stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating
a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're going to
get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm going to
get boobs too."


So there, some levity!

Have a good weekend to all! *clink* *clink*