MyEggsAreCooked: Crank It Up

Sunday, October 17, 2004

Crank It Up

Today I can't stop singing "Nothing Compares 2 U". That is my all time favorite video. I thought it was brilliant the way Sinead just stayed still and let that camera get every emotion. I used to practice acting in the mirror. I could even make the tears come I would get so into it. Yes, I really did that and I really thought it was so cool that I could.

"Since you been gone I can do whatever I want, but nothing compares to you".

I feel that I have put my entire summer on hold. Well, I feel like that because I have. No trips, no visitors (who wants company when you are timing so many doctors visits and shots), no exercise (not that I am SO athletic - haha) but I have stopped playing golf and I stopped my 3 mile walks, I have been completely noncommittal with any future events or invitations. My focus and priority revolved around my ovaries, my meds, my doctors visits and my many procedures.

The first IVF, I told everyone and was so excited and proud. Definite no no. I never even considered the ramifications. I never once thought it would fail.

This last IVF, I told as few people as possible. Immediate family knew, my office knew and my golf league knew. I was glad for my family to know and be there for me, my office needed to know why I was having to take off so much work when I only worked a couple of days a week (why couldn't I set up appointments on my days off?), and my golf league needed to know because I feel obligated to them. I just started playing golf seriously about a year ago. Our house is at a country club and I was convinced to start playing more. I LOVED it. I played about 5 times a week. To be in a golf league, you have to post scores and have a running handicap index. You are also committed to golf tournaments and such. So, why was I suddenly not playing and posting scores and backing out of tournaments? I thought they should know. It was the right thing to do.

But now, how do I go back and do whatever I want?

Since you been gone, I can do whatever I want....

I can hop on a plane if I want to
I can play golf all day if I please
I can drink as much wine as I desire
I can sit in my hot jacuzzi while the rain comes down
I can say "yes" to any invitation in the near future
I can go to the next work seminar that is always out of town
I can go on a strict diet and lose these 10 pounds
I can get botox so I have a smooth forehead and no crows feet

but.......nothing compares to u.........nothing compares to u

Here are the lyrics, I am tempted to go upstairs at my vanity table and look myself in the mirror and see if I can still perform.

Nothing Compares 2 U
( Sinead O'Connor )

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing ...
I said nothing can take away these blues,
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong?
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor guess what he told me
Guess what he told me?
He said, girl, you better have fun
No matter what you do
But he's a fool ...
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...

All the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
'Cause nothing compares ...
Nothing compares to you ...

Okay, I won't. But I do want to. My lovely husband would be very, very frightened if he saw that. He would think I have finally gone over the edge.

I never thought that girl in the mirror so many years ago would be going back to a mirror singing that same song so many years later with so much hurt in her heart.

So, I do need to soldier on. I need to dust off my golf shoes and go to the range. Can I please..........pretty please..............tell people that ask where I have been that I had a miscarriage? I know that is horrifyingly morbid to most of you but I do wish I could say that. I feel like I have the pain of a miscarriage but I never even got that far I am such a failure.

I never got past GO. I have been working so hard and have been so busy all summer and never even went past GO.

Such a heartbreak.

So, now I can do whatever I want and go as I please but nothing compares to u.

Nothing compares to u.

posted by Julianna · 10/17/2004

6 Comments:

At 2:59 PM,

Julie said...
There is so much hurt in all of this.

I hope to God you never experience the real and acute anguish of another negative again. But I hope-even-more-to-God that you never experience the grief of a miscarriage after the elation of a positive. We're not supposed to rank pain — I know, I know — and I can only speak for myself, but for me there was no comparison. Getting past GO is a blessing indeed, but being thrown back to square one...

I hope I never learn that there's something worse even than that, you know?

I'm sorry you're hurting so much. This shit is rough. Go sing in the mirror. We have to get through it somehow...

At 4:43 PM,

Anonymous said...
Funny you should bring this up, as I was going to blog about it today. A few weeks ago a girlfriend and I were discussing what was worse, never getting a positive, or getting a positive and having a miscarriage. She's dealt with years of infertility (although she has one child) and her perception was different than mine, having had 6 miscarriages. I have to definitely say that I'd rather have a 100 bfns than one miscarriage. The pain of losing a child, of the real plans you've had not choice but to start making, of seeing your husband's sadness, and frankly, the frickin' inconvenience of it all is just terrible beyond words. But, I can understand where you're coming from. At least, if you get a positive, you get that time of being elated and hopeful. With every miscarriage, no matter how bad the odds, there was always that gleam of hope in my mind, that moment where you say "It's positive" and start thinking that maybe it can work out. Because, no matter how bad your luck, you must believe it's going to eventually work out, or you'd quit, right? Of course, after a miscarriage or two, there are also huge doubts. You don't enjoy yourself completely. But you do get something and there's something to be said for that. I guess that's what my friend means when she says she understands when her friends who've had BFNs from IVF say they'd take the miscarriage to just be pregnant, even for a short amount of time.

Unfortunately, as for being able to tell your friends it was a miscarriage, I think you might be surprised at how little sympathy you get. People don't get it. It's not a real loss to them. And that's often true even with people who've suffered a miscarriage themselves.

I admire you for saying what you feel, Juliana. A lot of people, myself included at times, censure themselves.

I hope you feel better.

At 5:01 PM,

Anonymous said...
I was just asked, is it harder to miscarriage or never get past a positive? What is harder?

Never having hope or having grateful hope be snatched from you?

The pain is terrible either way. I have had a miscarriage and at least I have hope that I can get a positive. I have the fear that it will fail, but at least I know I can get pregnant.

You have never had that. You have never had that hope. You can try and spend thousands of dollars and keep doing IVF month after month but you can never have hope.

I don't know which is worse. I don't. Like Julie said, go sing in the mirror. I think you should go sing in the mirror.

April

At 5:56 PM,

Sandy said...
Well my friend Julianna...I'm not about to tell you how to feel or what to say. But I do wonder why we feel we have to tell people anything at all! I know, I know. It's because we are nice, social people and it's not ok to say mind your own effin business to people who are probably truly concerned about us right? (Gawd, why am I so cranky and touchy tonight???)

I've never been good at doing the "my loss is greater than your loss" thing. I've lived years of thinking that I could never get a positive, and grieved that. Then I got a positive, we lost him, and we grieved that. Now I'm back to not getting positives. And I'm grieving THAT monthly! Grieving sucks....period!

So (again, in my humble opinion) it's perfectly ok for you to tell people that you and M. have suffered a tremendous loss. Because you have suffered a tremendous loss. And no matter what happens in your future together, this loss is still a loss for you.

Ok. I'm stumbling down off my half-arsed soap box for the night and going to find chocolate.

At 6:25 PM,

Anonymous said...
My disclaimer before I start in to give my opinion is that I had a full term baby who died, and 2 m/cs, so this point of view stems from that perspective. From my point of view, your pain is just that, pain. It can't be measured, but it certainly isn't any less than the pain of someone who got a bfp and started bleeding 10 mins or 5 weeks later. Maybe it's different, but maybe not; who really knows? You hoped for the bfp and lost. And you didn't lose on the first month of trying either. You lost the hope of a child. I can't imagine why people have to say a miscarriage is worse than never having a bfp. Either way, it's the death of hopes and dreams; in a very real sense you lost a child that you hoped and longed for. Society does not see that and therein lies the part that truely sucks. After my son died, someone asked me what happened, and then she proceeded to tell me "oh but I have a story that is worse" LOL. All I could do was LOL, right in her face. Your loss is real. Your pain is real. Don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise. Many prayers and positive thoughts from my corner of the world.

At 6:59 PM,

Anonymous said...
Pain is pain and I don't think one ranks order over another. Having had a miscarriage, so I can speak from the 'at least I got a positive camp', I take absolutely no comfort in having seen that positive because I don't know if I can ever get pregnant again. It took me two years to see that damn line in the first place, so only to lose it three weeks later sucks donkey balls no matter how you slice it. So, they're the same because in the end, it doesn't matter the hows or which scenario is better because we are all lacking the end result -- a live baby. And every single day, the thing I wake up knowing is that I have no baby and I'd felt the same way before I ever saw that positive.

I hate IF, I really do.

xxxxoooo,
Emily