At 4:30 this morning my lovely M. leaned over to kiss me goodbye. He is off to Florida for the week.

My beta test is at 7:30 tomorrow morning and they will call M. in the afternoon.

I will be working for the first time in 3 weeks which may be a blessing. I'll be busy and hopefully, I'll be more calm than if I was home waiting for the call.

M. has important meetings all week. He will have his cell phone and he will get the news in Florida.

I mentioned in passing, that if it is good news, I'd like to know ASAP - meaning - call me at work if it is positive. I didn't want to make it a rule or a plan because just in case he doesn't call in the afternoon, I still want to have hope while I am driving the hour home.

Back to this morning, when he was kissing me and telling me he loved me, I said "I hope the next time we see each other we are happy" and he said "Baby, I am so proud of you and I will be so happy to see you no matter what, you're my Warrior Princess."

God, I love that man.

So, I'll be home between 6:00 and 6:30 Tuesday evening and will post as soon as I know. I will post here just after I speak with M., before I call my family in South Carolina. Thank you for all of your support and good wishes, it helps tremendously.

My life is forever changed in 24 hours. Such a strange suspended animation space to be in. As I have said before, I don't wish this on anyone. I have no regrets. This is it. I am thankful M. believed in me enough to agree to this final IVF. My maternal fate is determined.

I feel positive for a few reasons:

1. I responded excellently to the meds and had 17 eggs, 13 fertilize, 10 eight cell on day 3 and they did the unbelievable and had me go to day 5 blastocysts. It is such a huge deal to go to day 5 and they almost NEVER do that for women over 37 so I am extremely blessed that this cycle looked THAT awesome. We had good blasts to transfer. Day 5 blasts are strong, huge over achievers and at least one should have liked my beautiful uterus enough to want to stay there.

2. I don't think that God is cruel, that He would let me get this far, magnificently far, to have it fail. I know that is not politically correct, but I am being gut honest. It is cruel for this final cycle to be so magnificently perfect each and every step to only drop me on my ass in the end. It doesn't make sense. Every step this time was excellent and promising.

3. I do believe in prayer. I have already posted about my prayer cards and I have so many people putting their two cents worth in to God. My mother in South Carolina has me on a huge prayer chain, my MIL in Boston has her Catholic Parish praying (even though they don't agree with IVF, I guess they are making an exception if it means sweet Gilda can finally have a grandchild). My family and friends who believe in prayer say that they are praying for me and even strangers on the internet are putting in a good word for me. I do believe in miracles and I so believe in prayers.


It so completely sucks that M. is out of town and that I am so far from South Carolina. I'm a big girl. Somehow, I don't quite believe that last sentence but I'll let it stay. I am a brave girl. There, that felt better. I will buck up and move on if my will is not done. I will head down a different path in life. I will have to find other avenues for happiness.

I have always been lucky. My sisters always said that "shit is fertilizer for me" - that I walk through shit and come out stronger. I have had a very blessed life and I have fought for everything I ever wanted until I got it. This may be the first time I quit.

Now should the dream happen tomorrow, I will be weak-kneed and humbled and so grateful that I will never want to ask God for another thing as long as I live, (other than a healthy pregnancy and child and good family life).

I am so very, very proud of myself. I could not have done anything any better or tried any harder. I fought the good fight.

Here is to a good day Tuesday.