I am trying to be thankful. It is easy to be negative, angry, and upset but I want to be happy so I need to find ways in which to push myself out of this darkness.

I used to see a great therapist and he always said "feel your feelings when you feel them", although simple sounding, it is hard to do.

A bigger lesson however is to maneuver my feelings. I am very dramatic and emotional but there comes a time when I need to harness feelings. I can't let them run rampant.

My goal: To be happy.

Surprised I didn't say "get pregnant"? Me too.

I have one precious life to live and I can be a victim, be pissy, be a bitch, be angry.......or I can pull myself together somehow.

I can try to do things that are GOOD for me. I can leave situations that are bad for me.

I am still shocked and surprised my IVF failed. I truly felt good about it. I am so thankful I had the opportunity to do an IVF #2 though. There was a time when I didn't think M. would go for it.

God bless that man for being so happy with just me. But God bless that man even more for jumping through so many hoops for me to try to have our baby.

I got married at 37. I used to fall in love with shits. Handsome, charming, sometimes smart men who didn't fill my heart.

I can remember so many Christmas' wondering when and if I was ever going to have a husband to celebrate the holidays with. All I wanted was a family and I was the perpetual single woman.

I used to get advise, join dating services, quit being so picky, you're SO hard on men, give them some slack, you're too independent etc.....etc.....etc....

I knew what I needed and I finally found it in M. He is nothing like any man I had ever dated before. Not handsome, not charming, he was brilliantly funny and so secure with himself and he had so much integrity. He was my granite from day one. Everything that man said made sense. I never had to go "huh??" like with all of my other relationships.

Infertility reminds me of being single in a way. I wanted it so badly, it eluded me for so long, it was completely out of my control and yet it finally happened.

I am so overwhelmingly in love with my husband especially after these past two IVF's. To see how this man took care of me and protected me was awe inspiring. I never thought I could lean on someone as much as I leaned on him. He can carry me and he does it bravely and proudly.

I am so blessed to have that man in my life.

I tend to cut people off easily. I can get peeved about something and that is it. If my feelings get hurt, forgetaboutit! I used to run away from M. in the beginning. He forced me to sit and stay and work things out. He was patient and tender with me.

It was always easy for me to rid myself of people (especially men) but I needed to learn to trust and work out differences.

Life is not perfect and if everyone that pissed me off was out of my life, then I would be very lonely indeed. Ick happens and you have to work through it, not run away from it.

Honestly, there are still times that I think of getting in my car and driving cross country back to South Carolina because M. and I are arguing about something. I never worry about him leaving in the middle of night but I know (and he must) that it is something I have visualized and am capable of doing. Talk about abandonment. Piss me off and I am out of here.

Does that make me brave or a big pussy?

I used to think it made me brave, now I know that it makes me a big pussy.

So here I am with my infertility. Who do I run away from now? Who can I leave because "this just isn't working for me".

Shout out to my husband again.

I have a girlfriend who is a bitch. Everyone annoys her and she tells everyone what they are doing wrong and how to fix it. It all generates from her and her unhappiness. It is like having perpetual PMS. It is not the world that is screwed up, it is you and your perspective.

So, I can be in a funk however long I think I need to be in this funk but I choose to try to pull myself out somehow. I don't want to be miserable and therefore be annoyed by everyone and anything.

I desperately want to try IVF#3 again. I know it is a numbers game. I am so fucking close, I feel it in my bones. Like I always knew, somehow, I would have a husband one day even though everything looked dismal, I feel the same way about a baby.

I could list what I have to be thankful for but I would clog my blog. Down to having pinky fingernails, I am so blessed.

One thing I still struggle with is the finances. Being married only 3 years, somehow makes M's money, his money. If I had a savings account with tons of money, I would do IVF's until it ran out. I don't have anything to contribute financially to the IVF. The rub is that if M. wanted a child desperately also, it would be a mute point. But he is fine with no children so it changes the dynamics.

I am asking him over and over again to keep pulling money out of the savings account. I know if we get a child one of these times, he will never think of the money again. I do think (honestly) that if it doesn't happen, he will always think "I spent $50,000 for nothing" or whatever it ends up being. He is already down $33,000 . Add another $16,000 for IVF #3 with the meds and all.

I need to find a way for all of that money crap not to bug me. So many people can't afford IVF, and I am thankful I can try for a third time. Not that I have anything to show for it other than a broken heart and bruised body.

I don't know why I am rambling about all of this tonight but I just am. I said in the beginning this would be like my diary. I will be raw and honest here.


It can be ugly.