MyEggsAreCooked: Nothing At All To Do With My Ovaries

Friday, October 29, 2004

Nothing At All To Do With My Ovaries

I don't know why I am blogging this and it has nothing to do with my empty nursery but Poker online cracks me up sometimes.

I must say that I was amazed at how difficult it is to open a real money account online. I was impressed with the precautions online poker sites take to ensure the participant is legitimate.

With partypoker.com, I got 3 phone calls at home in a matter of 30 minutes and they had me go online to answer certain questions to make sure my ISP address was what it should be.

My conservative husband was completely against me playing for real money.

M. loved it that I was so bold when I was willing to risk everything by moving across country to be with him, when I was gambling with my life for our future but he doesn't understand when that same part of me, the gambling part of me, wants to do what appears to be reckless acts.

You'd think he had a clue he was marrying a gambler when I quit my job and moved out to be with him because we didn't want a long distance relationship. I quit my job and flew west within 2 months of meeting him. What gave me the courage was knowing that I would be okay. Even if the worst happened, I'd go back to South Carolina and never regret it.

My mantra is "When I am 65 years old, will I regret this?". If the answer is "no", I move forward.

I moved to L.A. to be an actress when I was in my early twenties and didn't give up on that notion until I was 36. I then sold my condo and moved back to South Carolina and became a real estate agent - teaming up with my mother who had been in real estate for a number of years and then I happened to meet M. in Los Angeles when I went back there to visit friends.

I was very active in the stock market at that time (1999 - 2000) - and I did a lot of day trading online.

Ironically, after so many years of auditioning and acting in L.A., I got the best acting gig when I moved to S.C. and was working in real estate and day trading.

An online trading company asked clients to send in testimonials and a photo for an upcoming commercial they were going to produce. I sent my testimonial and photo and didn't hear anything until 3 weeks later when the FedEx man rang the doorbell with a congratulatory letter and plane tickets and itinerary for me and my significant other. I had no significant other then so my sister took off work for a week and flew to New York with me. We were treated like queens. First class tickets, great hotel room, Broadway tickets every night, limousine rides and even cash spending money while we were there. The company didn't want us to have to spend any money whatsoever while we were there. That commercial ran hundreds of times a day on CNBC. My best acting gig happened when I quit acting. Imagine that.

M. knows all of this, he loves this gambling side of me when it suits him but he scowls when it doesn't. He thinks that partypoker.com is ridiculous and although he is excited for me when I win a tournament, deep down he wishes I was not gaming online.

Understood.

I understand it.

I am actually glad that M. is not like me. He is my ying. I could not be with a man like me.

Back to partypoker.com. I just got so tickled tonight. No matter what I do, or how clever I think I am, I get heckled.

I had been playing under the female persona HexOnYou. These female personas are very seductive monikers online - all of the females have very large breasts that heave over the table and cleavage is rampant. The monikers are quite attractive. I was taken aback by the incredibly desperate men out in this world. Playing for real money in tournaments and reading such things as "wanna fuck", "lick my balls", "do you titty fuck?" ...........well, it can be distracting.

At first, I talked crap back..........I especially liked it when I pretended to really be a man and would beg the offender to let me butt fuck him.......It can be quite amusing. They shut up real fast when I asked them if their ass was tight like I like it.

Then, I turned my chat off. I still felt that being a woman was a hindrance. I felt that men were patronizing my brilliant plays because of the thought that I might really be a woman. I felt that if I was a man at the tournament table, I would get more respect.

So, I called partypoker.com and told them I wanted to be a male moniker and was that possible. They were more than happy to oblige.

They wanted to know what name I wanted to use.

Hmmmmmmmmm............

I wish I had given that more thought before I had them on the phone ready to change my sex, I thought that an Asian name would be more intimidating so I quickly spouted names:

HuongOne
HugeDong
MeHeong
DickHeong
ChaChing
ChingChang
ChingChing
IllNguen
MeNguen

Believe it or not, MeNguen (Me Win) was available so I took it. Happy to sit at a male moniker seat and I thought I had a more intimidating name.

Now, I get heckled with - "ahhhhhh soooooooooo!-------eat me!" , "go eat some sushi motherfucker", "go back to Asia", "stick to kung fu"........

I must add that when I was in Las Vegas a few months ago and playing in live poker tournaments, I got the same kind of disrespect in person. One guy in his mid twenties kept patronizing me and was being rude to me because he was losing. He gave props to the men at the table, but heckled me. "Stupid bitch", "Who would call with that shit", "Lucky bitch on the fucking river" and finally I had had it.

Honestly, I was nervous to play poker there in Vegas and live - with real people. I was very nervous. So, I was playing tight and smart. I finally got some gumption with this asshole and asked the dealer to remove him from the table. There are signs posted everywhere that cursing and disrespectful conduct will not be tolerated, so when I asked that he be removed.........he was. I suddenly got a lot more respect and the heckler apologized.

I guess it will never end.

posted by Julianna · 10/29/2004

14 Comments:

At 10:36 PM,

Anonymous said...
Hey, I don't even have the balls to play real money tournaments online. I bow to your balls or .....lack thereof. I play NLHoldEm frequently but can't quite build myself up to playing online. You are very funny with the names you picked. I was laughing so hard when I read them outloud to myself. You are a very funny lady. I hope you win a lot of tournaments now.

Dennis

At 10:49 PM,

Anonymous said...
I love that you had the balls, period, to play live poker in Vegas. It's so...cool. I stick to namby pamby roulette, even though I know the odds suck. But of course I am used to the odds sucking.

patricia
http://laf.typepad.com

At 11:04 PM,

Anonymous said...
I am probably one of those men that heckle you. Rock on. What CNBC commercial were you on?

Bill

At 4:26 AM,

Sandy said...
ohhhh I don't even want to think about your google hits after this post :-)

At 10:03 AM,

Julianna said...
Oh hell Sandy, I wasn't even thinking about the searches that will start flying around. ewwwwww.........yuck

At 6:06 PM,

Anonymous said...
Oh yes, you are going to get some weird searches.

I've only played poker a couple of times and although I lost horribly, I found it a bit addictive. Kind of like trying to get pregnant. Jeez, everything goes back to that.

At 9:25 AM,

Anonymous said...
I am quite impressed with the names you chose off the top of your hat. Very funny. Cha Ching would have been great. Good to see you're feeling better.

Jacqueline

At 10:39 AM,

Anonymous said...
God, I so don't want to start any trouble. I really really don't. I don't want to pick on anybody. I hate this. But I have to say something.

Julianna, I think that you were only trying to get across what kinds of assholes populate poker and I've read nothing in your archives that would suggest that you are any kind of overtly racist person. But as an Asian American, your online monikers made me more than a little uncomfortable. Maybe you don't care what a stranger thinks and that's your right. But, as you maybe saw from the responses that you got, names like those are constantly used to denigrate Americans like myself and to deny our humanity. Sure, it may crack your shit up. But it's not just harmless fun to me and to many other people. I say this only because I truly believe that one reason that Asian Americans get so little respect is because we don't speak up when we feel offended. I wish the best for you, Julianna.

Also, I disagree with some posters that the names were original or clever. I have heard such things from the mouths of numerous 8 year-olds of actual and mental age -- straight off the tops of their insensitive, ignorant heads.

Peace,
Kimm

At 1:12 PM,

Anonymous said...
Kimm, I think you have made a point but as an African American woman in the United States, I think I come from a place of knowing prejudice. I think you need humor - I could read humor behind the names. Juliana even said she wanted to sound more intimidating by having a male name. A man could come on here and say that he is offended by that statement or a woman could come here and say how offended she is by that statement. They both could make a point.
My fiance' plays poker online and he has two names "niggerwhat" and "niggerplease". We both thought it was funny. Is it also insulting? It depends on your sense of humor and your background. Is it alright for a black man to have those names but not a white man?
Sometimes a little lightening up is in order. I can be insulted by a lot of things if I chose. I feel bad reading about these women here and their struggle. When a woman tries to lighten a mood should she also censor herself? Should she think how any thing she types may bother any one? I think you should start your own blog and watch what you say. I don't think this is the place, on someones painful journey blog, to stomp your little feet. If this were malicious, I'd be right there with you, but clearly its not.

Keep blogging Juliana. I like what you have to say even though you are from South Carolina and probably hate black people - JUST KIDDIN'. : )

At 2:11 PM,

Anonymous said...
Okay, I had to go back and read it again after reading the comments. I am no psychologist or english major but wasn't her point that she was getting prejudicial treatment no matter what she was (woman, voodoo, man, asian)? She was getting ridiculous comments either way?

Kimm, all you had to say was you were offended. You started off soft and then you basically insulted Julianna with your last paragraph - in a very passive aggressive way I might add. I agree with anonymous (although I found her fiances names very insulting but hilarious) that you should lighten up a little.

Peace and Love,

April

At 6:06 PM,

Julianna said...
Hi Kimm. I'm sorry you are hurt.

Hi Anonymous. How do you know that I am not African American? : )

Hi April. I wish I had a point but I don't.

I think the very nature of blogging on the internet makes one vulnerable to any number of things. My choice is to blog and in so doing, I make my thoughts and feelings public for the world to see.

I am not writing short stories. Although I probably should spend more time on my entries, for me, I needed a diary. Like emotional vomit. In doing this, I make myself very vulnerable. I am showing on the internet my innermost feelings and in person, I am very civil and nice. There are parts of me that are scared shitless and extremely kind and other parts that are borderline evil.

I don't monitor myself here. I write stream of consciousness and try not to be self-conscious in the meantime. I blog because:

1. I believe it is therapeutic for me.
2. I believe it may in some way, help others.
3. I am showing all of me and being honest.
4. I am ugly sometimes.
5. I am amazing sometimes.

I could write a bedside diary but I chose to share this. I also chose to get comments. There are pros and cons to everything.

Perhaps Kimm has always wanted to stick up for herself and with the safety of the internet, she can. She has probably had to be nice way too many times also.

I believe that if someone doesn't like me, they are free to comment. It comes with the territory. I can't sit here and say "comment but only if you like me". I do believe however, that eventually those who don't like what I write will simply quit reading after a while. In the meantime, they are free to tell me how awful I am until they get so annoyed with me, they leave.

I can't please everyone so I don't even try. First and foremost, I blog for me. It has been enormously helpful so far and until that changes, I will keep on keeping on.

Thank you for your time.

At 9:33 AM,

Anonymous said...
Aw geez, Julianna. I didn't think you were trying to hurt anyone. Thanks for reassuring me. You ARE nice. I hope that you didn't think my last paragraph was aimed at you because it wasn't. Should have read it through once more before I posted but it was meant for the "ignorant, insensitive" jerks who use those terms with malice -- not you. I just needed to make the point that those words are used to hurt me and my random demographic, so pretty please, be careful with them. I don't believe in policing language but I can't help but tense up when the things that are used as bricks to hurl at my head are treated as mere harmless witticisms. They will never be that for me.

To the African American commenter who dismissed my feelings, I hope you remember your remarks to me the next time you feel yourself the raw and conspicuous object of somebody else’s joke. ("Stamp my little feet"? Ouch.)

Kimm

At 5:02 AM,

Anonymous said...
niggerwhat is a real person. He is an 86 year old black man who witnessed the beating and then the lynching of his father by 6 white men in Savannah, Georgia. If you would like to learn more information about niggerwhat and his incredible life go to www.niggerwhat.com His life's story is available in a book. He's an incredible survivor and he is not to be made fun of by the likes of you or your husband.

At 10:42 AM,

Julianna said...
Anonymous, why in the fuck are you leaving a comment to some other anonymous person on a post that is as old as the hills? I didn't write that, a commenter did, so quit with your bullshit.