I feel like a fat pig. I have gained 8 pounds, I feel very heavy, I can feel the extra pounds. I still have no positive OPK and my back is killing me.

I went to sit down on Wednesday and I had a sharp, shooting pain in my lower back that is still making me walk gingerly. A friend said it is my sciatica nerve. I am not happy to meet my sciatica nerve. I am even pissed I have to know it enough to spell check it. Why is it pronounced sciatic but spelled with an a ?

How fat am I if just sitting down causes such pain? I have a pooch belly from the extra weight and I can only assume it is the weight of my belly that made my spine finally scream in terror.


I have not exercised in forever (June) and I jumped right in the golf and yoga scene last weekend. I felt sore, but a good sore, and then my back did this. I have never had back pain -EVER. It is so shocking and incapacitating when it hits me if I turn a certain way.

Another thing I should be thankful for when it goes away. I am rather tired of the universe pointing out what I should be thankful for by making me miserable.

Kind of like when you have the flu real bad and you just think how wonderful it is to just be okay for a day.

I still have no second line on my OPK which is another thing I should have been more thankful for when I ovulated regularly. I know it is because of my IVF so I'm not going to get my panties in a wad this time like I did after IVF#1. Late ovulation means late period. Late period = Hope.

One of my sisters called me last week and excitedly announced she would LOVE it if I crocheted a poncho for her for Christmas. She said she was in Manhattan and saw crocheted ponchos everywhere and thought to herself "Julianna can make me one easy!". This is a sister who has never sewn a button and she has no idea of the time involved but she is also the sister who cried tears of joy when she got an afghan I crocheted for her one Christmas. I know she'll wear it and she will appreciate it but DAMN!

I have been scouring the internet for poncho patterns, I hobbled into WalMart and Michaels and finally decided on a great pattern and I found some amazing black/grey yarn that feels FABULOUS!

I needed 40 ounces of yarn and each skein was so many ounces - can I tell you again how bad I am at math. I needed a friggin calculator in the store. I kept adding and bunching until I had a buggy full of yarn. It didn't look right. I mean hell, I could crochet an afghan with all this yarn! I only need a poncho. I even had a sales lady help after I admitted my lack of math skills. She got her calculator, and said, yes, it was all correct. I needed that many skeins.

I almost choked when the cashier told me "that will be $142.56". WHAT!

My friggin back was/is killing me so I thought this would be a nice project while I am confined. I hobbled out of the store with my goods.

I am still bewildered. I have not crocheted in years but picked it up again quite easily.

All day yesterday, I crocheted, and crocheted, and crocheted. I am only about 10% done. I am completely confused.

I made sure my gauge is correct (so many stitches equaling so many inches). As a matter of fact, I have checked my gauge about 79 times. My poor math skills make me anal like that. I am right on the money with how big my stitches should be and by the looks of the yarn in the bags and my pattern, I have a very long way to go.

I already have a bit of a lap afghan going on so I can only assume that this is a poncho for a giant. The pretty model in the poncho picture is actually a Ripley's Believe It Or Not freak of nature.

I cannot make heads or tails of what is going on with the pattern yet and I will only know when it all comes together in the end. There is even a nice little cowl neck type collar that will be added as a final touch.

I have to trust. Red lights have been going off since I first saw how many skeins of yarn I needed. It does not make any sense. None of it - from reading the number of ounces of yarn, to seeing the buggy full of yarn, and now, seeing how huge it already is...........something is not right.

I know! I'm being punked! This is really a pattern for the Statue Of Liberty and there is a new reality TV show to find out which fools actually complete it!

No? okay.

Obviously, I am doubting the printed pattern book.

Two things are going to happen:

1. I will finish the poncho and it will be perfect and beautiful and I will laugh at myself for being so arrogant that I actually thought I knew more than a published author of a crochet book. I mean truly, how could it get to publication if it is SO wrong.

2. I will see in the end that I was right all along and the world is full of idiots. Even published authors and publishing companies are idiots. I will kick myself for not trusting my gut from the beginning. Because by the time I am done, I will have spent endless hours on top of the already high expense of the yarn.

Somehow all of this reminds me of my infertility.

In the end, all answers are more clear.

Two things will happen with my infertility in the end:

1. I will be glad I kept beating my head against the wall because I will have an occupant for my nursery.

2. I will wish I had paid more close attention to the obvious signs that it was not going to work and I will wish I never tried so hard.


All I can do right now is keep on keeping on. In the end, it will all reveal itself.