For the most part, I laugh when I see what some people search for to find their way to my blog. Yesterday, I had "my day is sucking and could be a hell of a lot better if only I had passed that Algebra exam".........now....how in the hell did they get here, on my blog, and I was one of the first ones listed for the poor soul. They must have really thought they were in hell. I can't imagine what I have typed that would have led them here.

Lately though, I have been getting a sinking feeling in my heart. This past week, I have had a huge increase in hits because of searches regarding RESCUE ICSI. I guess I have mentioned it enough, that I appear on searches, closer to the top.



Rescue ICSI was performed on my 11 oocytes 23 hours after retrieval and although 9 miraculously fertilized, PGD tests revealed severe chromosome abnormalities in all nine. I recently found the PGD results that my husband had simply filed away without telling me, one of the embryos had both XX and XY as the sex! Now, that is impressive! (oocytes cannot be fertilized at all after 24 hours):

http://humrep.oupjournals.org/cgi/content/abstract/17/9/2423
"CONCLUSIONS: Although unfertilized oocytes after IVF can be fertilized by ICSI, the developmental potential of the ensuing embryos is very poor. Therefore, rescue ICSI after total failure of fertilization is not recommended."

If you are one of the ones here because of a "rescue ICSI" search, I am truly sorry. I know what you have been through to get to where you are, you just finished your (most likely) first IVF and you have been excited to see your follicles grow on the ultrasound, you were thrilled with the number of eggs retrieved and you waited anxiously the next day to hear how many embryos divided and you never expected to hear "we have a problem". Unfortunately, I got my hopes up when I heard that nine responded to the rescue, I had no idea that things were still looking very very bad for success.

I am sorry to be so blunt, I am sorry you are here, but I wish I knew more about rescue ICSI while I was going through it. I could have started grieving earlier.


My lovely husband got home last night. Sometimes I just cry. Sometimes it is just too much.

After dinner, I said "I am actually ovulating today, I was kind of hoping that I would ovulate while you were out of town just so I could have a peaceful month. Then, the pathetic child in me thinks maybe it is meant to be that I am ovulating with perfect timing of your arrival. It really gets to be pathetic after a while."

"My baby isn't pathetic." He said.

He came to sit by me on the couch and rubbed my legs that I had strewn across his lap.

"I feel like such a failure." I said.

"My baby is NOT a failure. I am so proud of you. You have no idea how proud I am of you." He said.

"What could you possibly be proud of?" I said as I wiped the tears from my face.

I went on to tell him about the TBW updates and that if she finds out she is pregnant, I just cannot stay there. He completely supports me quitting whenever I want to but he also knows that it is important for me to work a little bit, it gets me out among the living more, I have my spending money without asking him for donations, I went through six different offices when we moved here before I found someone I respected enough to work with, so I know it will be hard to just "find another job".

When I told him about her triplet comment, he said I should have said: "Only if I can get pick of the litter.".

I know why she gets under my skin so much. I know the deep down gut level reason. It is because she is stupid, offensive, insensitive, childish and downright ridiculous and I find myself being a pansy to her antics. I am a willing victim and I don't fight back. I have been avoiding her like the plague but still, I don't fight back. In any other situation, I would call an idiot on their behavior. I would be a smartass back just to let their inner child know not to fuck with my inner child. I have been letting her child beat the shit out of my child and I am pissed at myself. Her husband is my boss. I really, really love my job. She just started working in the office 3 months ago. I can avoid her most of the day (I am busy with my own patients all day), but damn, when she gets me, she gets me good.

I think deep down, she hates me. She must.

I even called (feigning concern) to see how many embryos they transferred yesterday. Honestly, I was hoping that the office manager would say "none made it" and then I would know that I can keep my job for the next few months.

I am keepin' it real. Ugly isn't it?

The office manager wasn't sure how many were transferred but said the doctor said they looked "better than last time and he was almost certain this time it would work" - I remember their doctor made such promises last time too.

So, I am in a 2ww of a different kind. When I do quit, I will simply say that I need to take time to focus on us starting a family. They will never know that I am quitting because TBW is intolerable. I learned a long, long time ago not to say anything to a boss about his wife. When I first graduated from college, I worked in an office with an impossible TBW and I was honest with him about why I left. I actually said "many people will come in and out of here and you will never really know why, so I am here to tell you" - his wife still works in his office.

I just need to take care of myself.

So, too many things are out of my control right now. That is what gets me down.

I am getting my ass kicked right now, by my infertility and now by my bosses wife.

I need to get my power back.

I told M. that I want to talk to Dr. Beautiful, that I already know what she is going to say "we don't know why", but I want to hear what she thinks about IVF#3. M. encouraged me to call her. He knows where I am headed. I am trying to give him time. Unfortunately, I feel a bit under the gun.

So, that is the gist of my angst. I have no power or control in my life and I am tired of getting my ass kicked.



On another note, I am hosting a going away party for a good friend of ours on Sunday. There will be 40 - 45 guests so I will be a busy bee all weekend. The weather is supposed to be delightful and I will make sure the mood is grand.

It's amazing how I can pull it all off. Crying on the inside, dancing on the outside. You should come watch me pull it off. It will be quite impressive.