I have been heavy. Not so much as in weight but in the heart. I have been heavy- hearted.
I was laying in bed with my husband this morning and I told him I wanted to start skipping through life again. "I want to be like Tinkerbell", I said.
"I want you to be happy." is all he said.
"I haven't REALLY, REALLY been happy in a long time. I am completely consumed with my infertility. I am fighting and struggling and afraid that if I give up now, I will regret it later. I feel so under the gun with time. I feel I have wasted so much time in our marriage waiting and hoping and we should have been aggressive a lot sooner. Seventy five percent - 75%! - of any given day is consumed with my empty nursery. I want to be happy and light. I want to be like Tinkerbell flitting through this world."
"That's my baby." is all he said.
"I get so very tired of hoping and trying and wishing and everything is completely out of my control. I can wish and hope and I can relax and not think about it, I can dive into IVF with a vengeance and I can be as positive as the next person......but none of it........NOTHING helps me fill that nursery down the hall. I get angry at people who have it so easy. I used to only get pissed when I heard someone got pregnant and didn't plan it, now I find myself getting pissed if someone gets pregnant doing their first IVF. I am not pissed at them though......I am pissed at my body. I think that deep down, I hate my ovaries and uterus for betraying me. I never, ever imagined I would have these years of infertility hell. I want it fixed, I want it gone, I want to be normal."
"Well, how about you try to be Tinkerbell and I will make an effort to be Peter Pan for you." he said.
"Ewwwwwwwww.........nooooooooo........that would be a turn off to be married to Peter Pan. How about if you continue to be my granite and I will try to be like Tinkerbell."
"That's my baby." is all he said.
