For three and a half years, I have had pregnancy symptoms.
You would think that I would get desensitized, you'd think that I would not hope so much each and every month.
I don't talk about it anymore to people in my real life. It is truly old and hurts those who care about me. I had them ride my roller coaster of hell way too many times.
The calmest months of my marriage have been when my husband has traveled while I was ovulating so I wasn't so upset when the toilet paper showed the first signs of pink as my uterus began its contractions. I still get terrible cramps and have heavy periods, even at my age.
I used to work at an office full of women who knew my cycle and we would all hone into my symptoms excitedly and then I would tell them that I miscarried when I started my period. They would tell me how horrible it was......that I started my period AND that I was joking about it. Humor is what pulled me through and then we would all count on the next month as being THE month.
My dog used to have false pregnancies. After she was in heat, and about when she would be delivering, she turned into the demon dog knocking over lamps and acting crazy because she was trying so desperately to build a nest for her upcoming imaginary puppies. Thankfully, dogs don't go into heat every month, I think it is only a few times a year. Even so, I finally had to get her fixed because her false pregnancies got worse and worse with every cycle. My vet even offered a pet psychologist for her. Leave it to me to have a dog that needs therapy. The hysterectomy took care of her psychosis.
I am cursed with having false pregnancies for the past 40 months. I don't act a fool like my lovely Chelsea did but I can see how it could happen. I totally relate to her, getting excited about babies and then wanting to tear up the house.
If someone tells me a symptom, I get it. Shortness of breath? Tiredness? Twinges in the breast? Gingivitis? Bags under the eyes? Lower back pain? Discharge that is different? Veiny breasts? Nausea? Cravings? Emotional? ....... i could go on and on.
Because I have completely exhausted those around me with my hopes every month, may I indulge you here?
Grab a chair, let me tell you all about it! I ovulated exactly a week ago. I had beautiful mucous when my husband and I were on our mini vacation, the first day no less! Wouldn't that be a wonderful place to conceive!! I know exactly when I ovulate, I am so lucky that way! My uterus started twinging on or about day 5 post ovulation, about when my blastocyst would be nestling in (maybe even plural! blastocysts! twins do run in my family!). My breasts are sore and I do think that I have more veins than usual.
I have had a cold and have been very careful of the Theraflu - just in case! I am very cautious of my actions while I wait like this........I know, I know........after over 3 years of this two week wait, I should just let loose and not be so careful.........but........what if!!! What if it finally happens to me! This month! Right now! I won't know for sure until next week, so in the meantime, I will not take the Theraflu, or too many advils, or drink more wine than I should, I will also be careful of spending time in the jacuzzi, I will eat well and rest plenty. I will provide my embryo with the best possible chance........just in case. Sometimes at night, I even place my hands on my lower belly and imagine peace and glowing health and happiness and I even encourage our little embryo on its journey.....just in case.
When I talk like this, do you look away with knowing eyes? Do you not hold out hope for me either?
When I come here next Wednesday and tell you that my cramps have started, will you be surprised? Will you wonder why I am disappointed?
Will you wish I would just let you know if it ever happens and spare you all the dramatic details too?
